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I Got My Computer. The Great Thing About The Computer Is That You Only Need Enough Money To Buy A Computer And Some Food, And You're All Right. I Don't Have To Go To Premières.

-Norm MacDonald

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I Got My Computer.

Norm MacDonald

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I Got My Computer. The Great Thing About The Computer Is That You Only Need Enough Money To Buy A Computer And Some Food, And You're All Right. I Don't Have To Go To Premières.

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More From Norm MacDonald

Imprudent Restrictions Often Force Youth Farther Than Enticement Would Carry Them; And Careless Limitation Is Frequently Worse Than No Injunction.

Never Raise Expectations In Others That You Cannot Realize: Promise Is Less Pleasing Than Disappointment Is Vexatious.

We Are Often Less Grieved At Disappointments Than At Ourselves For Having Said Much Concerning The Certainty Of Our Expectations.

It's Tough To Know Who's Better In Cliff Diving. Like, You See A Guy Diving Off A Cliff And You Go, Oh, Man, A Guy Diving Off A Cliff! And Then Another Guy'd Dive- Oh, There's Another Guy Diving Off A Cliff There. But You Can't Tell Who's Better, Y'know? Like, Uh- If You Survive At All, Hey, You're A Great- You're A Great Cliff Diver There. There's Only Two Classifications In Cliffdiving. There's, Uh- 'grand Champion' And Then, Uh- 'stuff On A Rock.' Very Hard To Make A Comeback In That Sport, I'll Tell You That.

In Math, You Could Get 100 Percent. It Was Very Fair. That's What I Liked About Math. You Could Figure It Out, And The Teacher Couldn't Have A Stupid Opinion About It.

If It Wasn't So Pointless And Ridiculous, It Would Be More Humiliating. Also, If There [hollywood] Weren't So Many People As Bad As Myself - Equally Untalented People - It Would Be Even More Humiliating.

I Want You To Buy This Pit Bull. This Will Protect Your Valuables.' I Don't Own Anything Very Valuable. If I Buy The Pit Bull, That Would Be The Most Valuable Thing I Own. I'd Have To Buy Something To Protect It Then.

A Great Cause Of Evil In The World Is That Men Seldom Think Themselves Criminal If They Offer The Same Injustice To Others That Has Been Successfully Practiced On Themselves.

I Don't Do Much. I'm Too Lazy. That's My Problem. Hang Around My Couch, Watching The Tv. Just Too Lazy. I Realized This The Other Day, I Get Hit My A Truck Tomorrow - A Big Truck Could Hit Me - Paralyze Me From The Neck Down. Wouldn't Effect My Lifestyle A Bit Really.

I Went To A Hypnotist. He Put Me Under A Spell, And Every Time I Had A Craving For A Cigarette, I Would Throw Up. It's Very Embarrassing Right After Sex. I Find It Pretty Hard To Get That Second Date After That. Girls Get All Snobby After You Barf On Them.

I Like Doing A Funny Show Where I Don't Have To Act And Fall In Love With A Girl.

Falling In Love

This Would Have Been A Great Game To Watch If We Didn't Have Any Money On It.

It Is Vain To Complain Of Fortune While We Fail In Policy And Conduct.

There Is A Very Prevalent Tenet With Youth, That Good Company Is Every Thing Desirable, And That Bad Is Even Better Than None.

Education Makes Some Men Wiser, Others More Ridiculous And Foolish!

You Ever Hear Guys With Small Cocks Talk About Sex? Can't Talk About It Enough. They Even Got Poems. They'll Say, 'it's Not The Motion Of The Ocean, It's The Boat Of The Lotion.' I've Even Heard Variants..., It's Not The Tree Or The Size, It's The Axe That You Wax.' It's A Whole Sub-genre Of Poetry Now That's Taught In Many Of Our Finer Institutions.

All My Life's About Is Cracking Up People And Them Cracking Me Up And Trying Not To Think About Dying. That Doesn't Cost Very Much Money.

Rip Amy Winehouse. We Lost A True Heroin Addict Today.

I Just Got Back From New York. You Ever Been There? There Was A Big Gay Parade Going On There When I Was There, And I Never Been To One Of Them, And I Like A Parade. I Always Like A Parade. So, I Go There, And It Turns Out, It's Just A Bunch Of Gay Guys.

Oj Simpson Was In A Different Kind Of Courtroom This Week Attempting To Regain Custody Of His Two Children. In Order To Prove To The Court How Much He Loves His Kids, Oj Pointed Out Quote 'hey, They're Still Alive, Aren't They?'

If You Watch That Show And You Didn't Know It Was Called Seinfeld, You'd Think It Was Called 'the George Costanza Show'.

In Love, We Are Best Pleased When We Please Others.

In Estimating The Adversities Of Life, We Would Seldom Have Much Reason To Complain Of The Evils We Suffer, Did We Understand The Dangers We Daily Escape.

I Never Had Any Interest In Sitcoms Or Motion Pictures Or Anything Like That.

Motion Pictures

Scientists Believe They May Have Discovered A Primitive Form Of Life On Jupiter's Moon Europa. That Primitive Form Of Life? You Guessed It, Frank Stallone.

Yeah Man, They Call Gambling A Disease, But It's The Only Disease Where You Can Win A Bunch Of Money.

I'm No Good At Anything But Comedy, Which I Think I'm Good At. I'm Absolutely No Good At Networking; I'm Terrible At Acting; I'm Terrible At Dealing With Executives; I'm Terrible At Collaborating. And I Say Whatever I Want To Say. But I Think I'm Good Enough At Comedy That I Can Survive. And I Don't Really Have An Ambition For Money.

The Reason We Have Few Friends In Adversity, Is, Because We Have No True Ones In Prosperity.

Note To Self... Sex With Blow-up Doll Is Not As Good As Advertised.

I Don't Really Like Politics That Much. And I Like The Order And Simplicity Of Sports. They Have An Ending. You Can Argue With Your Friends About It, But In The End You Still Like Sports. I Almost Love The Fantasy World Of Sports More Than The Real World.

Some Men Are Tempted To Violate Secrecy From The Uneasiness Secrecy Gives Them, And Others, Merely To Impress You With The Extent Of Their Confidence.

I Have Always Loved Las Vegas. It's A Traditional Place For Lounge Comics To Perform, And I Love That.

I Never Do Impressions, But I Probably Should. People Like That Stuff.

I've Seen People In Theaters, And It Just Doesn't Work, Because You're Talking To The Guy Next To You The Whole Time.

You Ever Be Having A Really Good Dream, And Then, Uh- Right In The Middle Of The Dream You Wake Up, Right In The Best Part Of The Dream? And There You Are, Back In Your Stinkin' Life Again? Man, That's Rough, Eh?

It Is Easier To Hate Those We Love, Than Love Those Whom We Have Hated.

I'm Not Gay, So I Don't Know Much About Broadway Musicals.

Few Are More Unhappy Than Those Who Have Great Ambition, But Little Energy To Urge It Into Activity.

Compared To Politics, I Think Sports Is Funnier, Because It's Inconsequential. And Politics Can Be Real Important And All That. The More Pointless Something Is, The Funnier It Is, You Know? And The More Grave Or Important Things Are... You Know, Some Comedians Can Get This Disease Where They Get Serious All The Time.

I Started On 'saturday Night Live' The Same Time Conan Started On 'late Night.' We Just Had A Relationship Because I Would Be Upstairs In The Studio And Whenever He Couldn't Get A Guest - Which Was Often Back Then Since He Was Just Starting Out - He Would Just Call Me Down To Be A Guest.

I Don't Know Anything About Politics. I Wouldn't Put Too Much Into My Prediction On Politics.

A Suspicious Person Is The Rival Of Him That Deceives, Both Seem To Practice A Knowledge Of Cunning Device, And Equable Sense Of Disengenuous Merit.

Pulp Fiction Is A, Uh, Gritty, Urban Satire. Pump Friction Is A Uh-uh, A Bunch Of Uh, Dudes And Ladies Having Dirty Sex.

Ignorance Is Better Than Knowledge Misapplied.

Note To Self: No Matter How Bad Life Gets, There's Always Beer.

It Is Often Better To Be Restricted To Necessity Than Unconfined In The Measure Of Our Desires: Prosperity Destroys More Individuals Than Adversity Ruins.

I Completely Understand Why A Businessman Would Fire Me From 'saturday Night Live'. Because He Was Seeing Jay Leno Kill 10 Minutes A Night, Doing His Monologue With Wall-to-wall Laughs And Applause, Then I Do 10 Minutes A Week To, Sometimes, Breathtaking Silence. He's Just Listening For The Laughs.

Though We May Not Desire To Detect Fraud, We Must Not, On That Account, Endeavor To Be Insensible Of It, For, As Cunning Is A Crime, So Is Duplicity A Fault, And If Men Dread Knaves, They Also Despise Fools.

Many People Are Skeptical About Marriage Of Michael Jackson And Lisa Marie Pressley. They Say, Lisa Marie Is More Of A Sit At Home Type, While Michael Jackson Is More Of A Homosexual Pedophile.

They That Are Virtuous From Principle May Receive Confidence In Every Capacity; But They That Are So From Custom Or Habit, Are Capable Of Trust Only In Matters Of Ordinary And Settled Occurrence.

All Kinds Of Violence On The Tv. You're Not Supposed To Watch Violence On The Tv. Children, They Can't Watch It 'cause They're Afraid Maybe The Kids Will Copy Something They See On The Tv. I Can't Even Get A Funny Cartoon Anymore Because Some 12-year-old Somewhere Watched A Particularly Violent Episode Of The Road Runner-coyote Show, And The Next Day, They Found Him At The Bottom Of A Canyon, Two Giant Springs Strapped To His Feet.

Few People Love With The Violence They Hate.

I Generally Have A Real Strong Idea Or A Strong Punchline, And I Just Try To Get To It By Rambling Around, As I Don't Like To Memorize Words.

There's That Saying, "i Don't Know Art, But I Know What I Like." The Inverse Is Kind Of True. I Know Art, But I Don't Know What I Like. You Get So Immersed In It That Nothing Appeals To You.

If You're Watching A Comedian On Television And He's Making A Political Point, I Would Say He's Gotten Too Serious.

I Just Like Doing Standup, That's All I'm Interested In Or Good At.

None Seem To Bear The Imputation Of Supposed Guilt With Greater Intolerance Than Such As Are, On Other Occasions, Obviously Culpable Of Vice Or Crime.

Our Passions May Be Compared To Certain Slaves--the More Severity We Show Them, The Better They Obey Us.

There's No Show Business In Canada, So Everybody Just Did Stand-up And We All Thought, "oh, We'll Just Keep Doing Stand-up." And Then I'm Like, "there's More Work In The States."

I'm Thankful For Women. I Think Women Are More Intelligent Than Men. Also, Without Women, There Would Be No Cookies.

Flattery Succeeds Best On Minds Previously Occupied By Conceit.

Jealousy Seldom Punishes With The Severity It Suffers.

I Don't Have Any Ambition.

After Months Of Speculation, The Sitcom Star Ellen Degeneres Admitted That Yes, She's Gay. Inspired By Her Courage, Today, Diet-guru Richard Simmons Admitted That He Is Really, Really, Really, Really Gay.

Stand-up Has The Best Writers, Because It's The Hardest Writing By A Million Miles.

The Beginning Of Wisdom Is The Knowledge Of Folly.

If You're Looking For The Suspect In A Suicide Bombing, Here's A Clue: Look For The Dead Guy.

I Love Writing - It's The Best. But I Really Hate Collaboration.

There Are Two Things At Which Most Men Are Grieved: When Their Faults Are Exposed, And When Their Virtues Are Concealed.

The Rolling Stones Reunited For A Twenty-fifth Anniversary Tour Last Week. Keith Richards Said That He's Happy To Continue To Do What He's Been Doing For The Past Twenty-five Years: Cheating Death.

The Soul Is Never Perfectly Secure From The Influence Of Passion; The Occasional Tranquility She Seems To Enjoy, Is Rather Relaxation Than Imperturbable Triumph.

I Have A Little Bit Of An Out-of-body Experience Where I Enjoy The Scenario, And I Really Do Like Seeing A Crowd Turn Into A Mob, And I Do Nothing To Stop It. People Can Become Really Dangerous.

Some Men Mistake Generosity For Charity: These Flatter Themselves That They Are Giving Gratuitously, Whilst They Are Merely Rewarding Secret Services Offered Their Vanity.

When I Started In Canada, I Just Did Stand-up.

On Update, The Only Real Original Thing Was Trying To Take Away The Cleverness Of The Punchline And Make It As Blunt As Possible.

You Know, With Hitler, The More I Learn About That Guy, The More I Don't Care For Him.

A Man's Enemies Are Those He Should Endeavor First To Make His Friends.

[sam] Kinison, When He Started Out, He'd Come To Canada When I Was First Starting, And He'd Always [bomb].

We Would Seldom Be Deceived By Flattery, Did Our Own Conceit Not Promote The Delusion.

Kenny G Has A Christmas Album Out This Year. Hey, Happy Birthday Jesus! Hope You Like Crap!

Back In The Old Days, A Man Could Just Get Sick And Die. Now They Have To Wage A Battle. So My Uncle Bert Is Waging A Courageous Battle, Which I've Seen, Because I Go And Visit Him. And This Is The Battle: He's Lying In The Hospital Bed, With A Thing In His Arm, Watching Matlock On The Tv.

Man, Them Engagement Rings, Boy, They Cost A Lot. I Was Looking At 'em. Cost Like A Thousand Bucks, Two Thousand Bucks, Y'know. Three Thousand Bucks. Something Like That- Four Thousand Bucks. Big Number Divisible By A Thousand, Anyways.

The Praise We Seek For Our Own Virtues Sometimes Tempts Us To Flatter The Imperfections Of Other Men.

Enjoyment Inflames Love In Some Men, And Extinguishes It In Others: The Wind That Assists Large Vessels, Upsets Small Ones.

I Don't Care For Sex. I Find It An Embarrassing, Dull Exercise. I Prefer Sports, Where You Can Win.

Some People Are So Much Afraid Of Being Deceived, That They Never Venture To Trust; Like Misers, Their Avarice Destroys Their Gain.

Richard Pryor Is My Favorite Stand-up Ever.

Envy, Like A False Mirror, Distorts The Symmetry Of The Sweetest Form.

The Young Compliment Their Greatness On The Number Of Their Friends; The Old, On The Confidence Of Them.

Happiness Is Less Regulated By External Circumstances Than Inward Enjoyment. Whoever Is Happy In The Satisfaction Of Himself Feels Imperturbable Felicity; But He, Who Trusts Entirely To The World For The Disposition Of His Peace, Must Inevitably Participate [in] Many Privations And Disappointments.

I Don't Know The Difference Between A Hippie And A Hipster But, It's Fun To Watch Either One Of Them Get Beat Up.

We Often Suffer More From Our Fears, Than From The Dangers Of Our Situation.

Were There No Fools, There Would Be No Flatterers.

I've Shown People Richard Pryor Who've Never Seen Him, And Most Of Them Don't Like Him.

The Only Two Tv Shows I Saw Do That, Where They Don't Warm Them Up And You Can Really Bomb, Was Saturday Night Live - And That's Why It Gets A Lot Of Heat, Too. Obviously It Gets Criticism Fairly, Too. But A Lot Of It Is Because Lorne [michaels] Lets The Audience Decide And Doesn't Force Them To Laugh.

It Is Necessary To Be Tolerant, In Order To Be Tolerated.

I Would Love To Stay At Snl Forever. But You Can't Stay In The Same Place. People Think You're A Loser.

It's A Very Odd Thing With Hollywood, Where You Do Stand-up, You're Good At It, Then They Go, "how Would You Like To Be A Horrible Actor?" Then You Say, "all Right, That Sounds Good. I'll Do That."

As Evacuation Eases The Body, So Occasional Ejectment Of Passion Seems To Appease The Agonies Of The Soul, And Dispose To Tranquility The Agitations Of The Heart.

The Joy A Person Is Usually Seen To Express At The Conversion Of Another To His Opinion Is Seldom More Than The Impulse Of Egotistical Satisfaction At Being Considered Worthy Of Didactic Imitation.

You're Used To A Tv Show, And Tv Is Just Made For Tv Shows. It's Not Made For Live Events.so Anyways, I Was Resistant To It, But I Did It Anyway.

A Readiness To Excuse Some Faults, Shows A Disposition To Commit Others.

A Lot Of Writers Come From Harvard And Such, And Are Rich, And They Write Under The Misapprehension That Poor People Are Stupid. So When They Do Write Them, They Are Hillbillies Or Rednecks Or Christian Idiots.

If You Desire Praise Or Esteem, Endeavor To Merit It.

The Vanity Of Being Asked Advice Often Makes Us Confirm The Opinion Of Those That Consult Us.

I'm Happy Doing Stand-up, But I'll Probably Do A Television Show Eventually. If Not, I'll Delve Into This Internet World And Decide Best How To Harness It. What I Like Best About It Is The Independent Movie Style And The Ability To Just Be Completely Reckless Within That World. I Like That A Lot. I Just Have To Acquaint Myself With Technology.

I've Just Seen Really, Really Funny Guys, And If I Didn't Know Them, I Wouldn't Know They Were Funny From The Television. I Don't Know What It Does, It Just Sucks It Away.

I Think Clever People Think That Poor People Are Stupid.

Most Men Appear Wiser In Their Doubts Than In Their Belief.

I Hate Fame. I Hate Being Recognized, Because I Don't Know How To Talk To People.

Though You May Be Last To Discover Your Follies, Be Always First To Correct Them.

Louis [c.k.] Is Great. But I Don't Know How Many You Could Do.

If You Cannot Patiently Bear Correction, Endeavor To Avoid Fault.

A Lot Of People Think I'm Difficult To Work With. It's Not Like I Really Want To Do That Much Stuff, So It Doesn't Really Matter. I Guess I'm Somewhat Difficult When It Comes To Comedy.

A Proper Disposition Of Time Leaves A Man At Leisure In The Very Bustle Of Affairs; Without Delaying The Attention Of His Concerns To The Last Or Giving Them Unnecessary Application At First: It Affords A Season For Everything By Affording Everything Its Proper Season.

Last Christmas, I Got The Worst Gift A Guy Ever Gave Me. He Gave Me A Lottery Ticket... What's The Guy Even Thinking There. Here You Go... Nothing! Merry Christmas! It's Nothing!

Merry Christmas

The Man That Does Not Fear Punishment, Little Regards Crime.

You Can't Love Your Team Without Hating Another Team.

There's No Such Thing, Of Course, As An Old-fashioned Gay Guy. They're The Most Decadent People.

The Promises We Break Are Usually Such As We Are Most Forward In Making.

In Giving Advice, Aptitude Is Often Less To Be Considered, Than Seasonableness.

In Love, First Please The Eye, Then Win The Heart.

I Don't Know Anything About Politics. Like, Zero. Nothing.

It Is Better To Be Idle Than Employed In Ill.

Reason Is Always Weak Where Prejudice Is Strong.

All That Weak People Learn From Disappointment, Is Less Confidence In Future Enterprise.

I Don't Have To Meet Actors. I'm Really Blessed That I Don't Have To Do All That Horseshit.

During Misfortunes, Nothing Aggravates Our Condition More, Than To Be Esteemed Deserving Of Them.

With The Ambitious, The Failure Of One Expedient Is The Suggestion Of Another; But With The Irresolute, Defeat Usually Occasions Abandonment Of Purpose.

I Tried To Make The Punchline As Close To The Setup As I Could. And I Thought That Was The Perfect Thing. If I Could Make The Setup And The Punchline Identical To Each Other, I Would Create A Different Kind Of Joke.

Your Worst And Most Dangerous Enemy Is The Person That Injures You Under The Pretensions Of Friendship.

It Is The Folly Of Weak-minded People, To Imagine They Are What Flattery Or Conceit Represents Them; And That It Is Useless For Them To Be What They Are Not, Since They Seem Already To Have Acquired The Reputation Of It.

Ever See This? It's A Homeless Guy But He's Got A Dog... The Dog's Really Thrilled With This Idea. The Dog's Going, Hey Pal, I Can Do This By Myself Pretty Well. The Longest Walk In The World You Got Me On Here.

I Sort Of Have Open Invitations From A Lot Of People To Do Tv. But It's Very Hard For Me To Do Roles In Sitcoms And Movies Because I'm Not A Great Actor, So If The Material Isn't Good, I'm In Torment While I Do It.

My Dad Died, And My Grandfather Died, And My Great-grandfather Died. And The Guy Before Him, I Don't Know. Probably Died.

When People Told The Audience That [sam Kinison] Was Good, He Was Accepted After That.

They That Are Fated To Be Fools, Have One Consolation, That They Are Fated Also To Be Ignorant Of It.

I Always Told Everybody The Perfect Joke Would Be Where The Setup And Punch Line Were Identical.

I've Always Been Very Averse To Innuendo, Especially Sexual. I Find It Cowardly Or Something.

I Had A Show That People Thought Used A Laugh Track. It Wasn't; It Was The Real Audience Going Crazy After Everything That Resembled A Joke, That They Could Technically Call A Joke.

The Standard Of Morals Is As Variable As Morals Themselves; Of Which Every Nation Has A Different Code, And Every Custom A Different Reading.

A Capacity For Hating The Object Of Desire Is, Perhaps, The Best Cure For Love In Cases Of Disappointment.

I Got My Computer. The Great Thing About The Computer Is That You Only Need Enough Money To Buy A Computer And Some Food, And You're All Right. I Don't Have To Go To Premières.

I've Been Offered Political Shows Before, And I Don't Know Anything About Politics And I Feel Uncomfortable Making Political Opinions - There's Consequences To Them. I Often Think I'm Wrong, So I Really Don't Like Getting In Political Or Religious Discussions Because Of The Giant Possibility That I Might Be Wrong.

Political Opinions

I've Been In Theaters. Like Brian Regan, Who I Love - Loved Him So Much More When He Did The Improvs. And Then In A Big Theater - Nobody's That Good.

[televised Stand-up] Never Really Makes Me Laugh. The Only One I Ever Saw That I Liked Was Richard Pryor, And That Was [shot On] Film.

This Is A Thing I Read By A Scientist... It Said Scientists Now Say That A Man Thinks About Sex Once Every 7.3 Seconds. Now, I Know What I Think Every 7.3 Seconds. It's Just A Bunch Of Meaningless Gibberish.

You Ever See 'the Dating Game'? That's A Weird Game Show. The Prize On That Show: Another Contestant. Talk About Cheap.

Chastity Is Oftener Owing To Diffidence And Shame, Than To Fortitude Of Reason Or Virtue.

I Can't Be Naturalistic Enough To Make It Sound Real. So Instead, I Just Wander Around Aimlessly Knowing That I'll Be Funny Enough With Stream Of Consciousness Until I Get To The Actual Explosively Funny Part.

Instead Of Loving Your Enemies, Have No Enemies To Love.

Loving Your Enemies

It Got Very Tedious Saying The Same Jokes In The Same Way With The Same Attitude.

He That Searches For Praise Will Often Find Contempt.

I'm Not Original, But I Strive Toward It As Much As Possible. I Tried Really Hard On Weekend Update To Do Something That I Considered Original, Which Was, I Tried To Cut All Cleverness Out Of The Joke.

Love Is An Artful Arrangement Of Artless Pretensions, Whereby We Labor To Appear Innocent In What We Desire To Be Most Cunning.

I Guess [richard] Pryor Was That Good. I Never Saw Him In A Theater, But I Imagine He Was That Good, Because He Was Such A Phenomenal Actor.

Liberty, Like Health, Appears Most Precious When Lost.

I Don't Have Any Ego About It, But I Find There's Not A Great Work Ethic In Show Business. A Lot Of People Are In It To Make Money, And Coming From Stand-up, You Have To Work So Hard Because Almost Nothing Works, And If You Lose The Audience For Three Minutes, You're Dead.

Actually, With Those Dirty Movies, I Find Like, They're Good For About Fifteen, Twenty Minutes. I'm Really Interested. And, Then, Uh, There's One Point, That All Of A Sudden I'm Bored. You Know? I Just Lose Interest Completely And I Feel Deeply Ashamed.

The Character Of Giving Advice Often Makes Us Accountable For The Conduct Of Those We Advise.

In Terms Of Merit, Sports Has Mathematical Statistics. That's How You Know Who The Best Player Is.

The Most Frequent Cause Of Regret For What We Have Done Is Because Its Effects Interfere With What We Would Do.

Many Frequently Change Their Principles, But Seldom Their Practices.

There Hasn't Been An Original Voice In Stand-up Since Sam Kinison.

Women Of No Beauty May Yet Be Flattered To Believe They Possess Some; Others Of A Moderate Share That They Have A Great Deal; But Those Of Elegance And Charm Generally Know The Perfection Of Their External Graces So Well, That They Seem To Covet That Flattery Most Which Heightens The Opinion Of Their Wit And Judgment.

Most Men Will Go Farther To Give Advice Than To Follow Their Own Opinion.

Hypocrisy Is The Outward Acknowledgment Of Inward Shame.

Comedy Is Surprises, So If You're Intending To Make Somebody Laugh And They Don't Laugh, That's Funny.

We Are Happy At The Respect Others Pay Our Favorites, Because We Consider It A Lively Confirmation Of Our Own Choice, And As So Much Homage Reflected On Ourselves.

There Are Two Things Which A Man Should Scrupulously Avoid: Giving Advice That He Would Not Follow, And Asking Advice When He Is Determined To Pursue His Own Opinion.

The First Principle Of Solid Wisdom Is Discretion, Without It All The Erudition Of Life Is Merely Bagatelle.

They're Like ''you're An Alcoholic.'' I Go ''no, I'm Not.'' And Then-apparently That's What Alcoholics Say Too, You Know?

I'm A Huge Sports Fan But Have No Interest In Minutiae. I Don't Remember Who Won Super Bowls Five Years Ago Or Listen To Sports Talk Radio.

When I Hear A Guy Lost A Battle To Cancer, That Really Did Bother Me, That That's A Term. It Implies That He Failed And That Somebody Else That Defeated Cancer Is Heroic And Courageous.

There Are Two Indiscretions That Generally Distinguish Fools: A Readiness To Report Whatever They Hear, And A Practice Of Communicating With Secrecy What Is Commonly Understood.

Whenever I Do Theaters, I Don't Like 'em. I Don't Think They're Right For Stand-up.

Laws, However Divine In Origin And Institution, Would Be Found Of Little Coercion Among Men, Were The Administration Of Them Not Committed To Mortals.

Generally I Don't Like Traveling Around Saying The Exact Same Thing. I Don't Think That's A Very Good Thing To Do With Your Life.

Violent People Usually Express Their Love Of A Thing By Their Hatred Of Its Opposite.

My Dad Had This Thing - Everyone In Canada Wants To Play Hockey; That's All They Want To Do. So When I Was A Kid, Whenever We Skated My Dad Would Not Let Us On The Ice Without Hockey Sticks, Because Of This Insane Fear We Would Become Figure Skaters!

Few Criminals Die Sensible Of Their Crimes.

Proper Respect To Others Is The Most Prudent Rule Of Directing The Measure Of Reverence Due To Ourselves.

I Was In My Peak Physical Condition When I Was About Like, Uh... One. Oh God, I Looked Good, Young And Fresh! You Wouldn't Know Me Now If You'd Seen Me When I Was One, You Know? I Even Looked Good For My Age. People Would Come Up To Me And Go, What Are You, Zero? And I'd Go, No, I'm One Over Here!

When I Was A Kid, Everybody That Played Golf Was An Old Man. Until Tiger Showed Up, They Weren't In Very Good Shape.

We Advise Others Better Than Ourselves.

They Say That If You're Afraid Of Homosexuals, It Means That Deep Down Inside You're Actually A Homosexual Yourself. That Worries Me Because I'm Afraid Of Dogs.

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