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I'm No Good At Anything But Comedy, Which I Think I'm Good At. I'm Absolutely No Good At Networking; I'm Terrible At Acting; I'm Terrible At Dealing With Executives; I'm Terrible At Collaborating. And I Say Whatever I Want To Say. But I Think I'm Good Enough At Comedy That I Can Survive. And I Don't Really Have An Ambition For Money.

-Norm MacDonald

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I'm No Good At

Norm MacDonald

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I'm No Good At Anything But Comedy, Which I Think I'm Good At. I'm Absolutely No Good At Networking; I'm Terrible At Acting; I'm Terrible At Dealing With Executives; I'm Terrible At Collaborating. And I Say Whatever I Want To Say. But I Think I'm Good Enough At Comedy That I Can Survive. And I Don't Really Have An Ambition For Money.

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Man, Them Engagement Rings, Boy, They Cost A Lot. I Was Looking At 'em. Cost Like A Thousand Bucks, Two Thousand Bucks, Y'know. Three Thousand Bucks. Something Like That- Four Thousand Bucks. Big Number Divisible By A Thousand, Anyways.

I Have Always Loved Las Vegas. It's A Traditional Place For Lounge Comics To Perform, And I Love That.

Flattery Succeeds Best On Minds Previously Occupied By Conceit.

There's No Such Thing, Of Course, As An Old-fashioned Gay Guy. They're The Most Decadent People.

I Would Love To Stay At Snl Forever. But You Can't Stay In The Same Place. People Think You're A Loser.

The Joy A Person Is Usually Seen To Express At The Conversion Of Another To His Opinion Is Seldom More Than The Impulse Of Egotistical Satisfaction At Being Considered Worthy Of Didactic Imitation.

Our Passions May Be Compared To Certain Slaves--the More Severity We Show Them, The Better They Obey Us.

Though We May Not Desire To Detect Fraud, We Must Not, On That Account, Endeavor To Be Insensible Of It, For, As Cunning Is A Crime, So Is Duplicity A Fault, And If Men Dread Knaves, They Also Despise Fools.

There Are Two Things Which A Man Should Scrupulously Avoid: Giving Advice That He Would Not Follow, And Asking Advice When He Is Determined To Pursue His Own Opinion.

I Guess [richard] Pryor Was That Good. I Never Saw Him In A Theater, But I Imagine He Was That Good, Because He Was Such A Phenomenal Actor.

Laws, However Divine In Origin And Institution, Would Be Found Of Little Coercion Among Men, Were The Administration Of Them Not Committed To Mortals.

Some Men Mistake Generosity For Charity: These Flatter Themselves That They Are Giving Gratuitously, Whilst They Are Merely Rewarding Secret Services Offered Their Vanity.

Reason Is Always Weak Where Prejudice Is Strong.

They That Are Virtuous From Principle May Receive Confidence In Every Capacity; But They That Are So From Custom Or Habit, Are Capable Of Trust Only In Matters Of Ordinary And Settled Occurrence.

Enjoyment Inflames Love In Some Men, And Extinguishes It In Others: The Wind That Assists Large Vessels, Upsets Small Ones.

He That Searches For Praise Will Often Find Contempt.

I Completely Understand Why A Businessman Would Fire Me From 'saturday Night Live'. Because He Was Seeing Jay Leno Kill 10 Minutes A Night, Doing His Monologue With Wall-to-wall Laughs And Applause, Then I Do 10 Minutes A Week To, Sometimes, Breathtaking Silence. He's Just Listening For The Laughs.

Stand-up Has The Best Writers, Because It's The Hardest Writing By A Million Miles.

There's That Saying, "i Don't Know Art, But I Know What I Like." The Inverse Is Kind Of True. I Know Art, But I Don't Know What I Like. You Get So Immersed In It That Nothing Appeals To You.

I Don't Have Any Ego About It, But I Find There's Not A Great Work Ethic In Show Business. A Lot Of People Are In It To Make Money, And Coming From Stand-up, You Have To Work So Hard Because Almost Nothing Works, And If You Lose The Audience For Three Minutes, You're Dead.

Generally I Don't Like Traveling Around Saying The Exact Same Thing. I Don't Think That's A Very Good Thing To Do With Your Life.

The First Principle Of Solid Wisdom Is Discretion, Without It All The Erudition Of Life Is Merely Bagatelle.

I Think Clever People Think That Poor People Are Stupid.

If You Cannot Patiently Bear Correction, Endeavor To Avoid Fault.

Liberty, Like Health, Appears Most Precious When Lost.

In Love, First Please The Eye, Then Win The Heart.

Back In The Old Days, A Man Could Just Get Sick And Die. Now They Have To Wage A Battle. So My Uncle Bert Is Waging A Courageous Battle, Which I've Seen, Because I Go And Visit Him. And This Is The Battle: He's Lying In The Hospital Bed, With A Thing In His Arm, Watching Matlock On The Tv.

It Is Necessary To Be Tolerant, In Order To Be Tolerated.

Scientists Believe They May Have Discovered A Primitive Form Of Life On Jupiter's Moon Europa. That Primitive Form Of Life? You Guessed It, Frank Stallone.

Instead Of Loving Your Enemies, Have No Enemies To Love.

Loving Your Enemies

I Don't Have To Meet Actors. I'm Really Blessed That I Don't Have To Do All That Horseshit.

It Is The Folly Of Weak-minded People, To Imagine They Are What Flattery Or Conceit Represents Them; And That It Is Useless For Them To Be What They Are Not, Since They Seem Already To Have Acquired The Reputation Of It.

I Have A Little Bit Of An Out-of-body Experience Where I Enjoy The Scenario, And I Really Do Like Seeing A Crowd Turn Into A Mob, And I Do Nothing To Stop It. People Can Become Really Dangerous.

I've Just Seen Really, Really Funny Guys, And If I Didn't Know Them, I Wouldn't Know They Were Funny From The Television. I Don't Know What It Does, It Just Sucks It Away.

All My Life's About Is Cracking Up People And Them Cracking Me Up And Trying Not To Think About Dying. That Doesn't Cost Very Much Money.

If You Watch That Show And You Didn't Know It Was Called Seinfeld, You'd Think It Was Called 'the George Costanza Show'.

Were There No Fools, There Would Be No Flatterers.

It Got Very Tedious Saying The Same Jokes In The Same Way With The Same Attitude.

Proper Respect To Others Is The Most Prudent Rule Of Directing The Measure Of Reverence Due To Ourselves.

I Just Like Doing Standup, That's All I'm Interested In Or Good At.

None Seem To Bear The Imputation Of Supposed Guilt With Greater Intolerance Than Such As Are, On Other Occasions, Obviously Culpable Of Vice Or Crime.

The Vanity Of Being Asked Advice Often Makes Us Confirm The Opinion Of Those That Consult Us.

If You're Watching A Comedian On Television And He's Making A Political Point, I Would Say He's Gotten Too Serious.

The Rolling Stones Reunited For A Twenty-fifth Anniversary Tour Last Week. Keith Richards Said That He's Happy To Continue To Do What He's Been Doing For The Past Twenty-five Years: Cheating Death.

Chastity Is Oftener Owing To Diffidence And Shame, Than To Fortitude Of Reason Or Virtue.

Violent People Usually Express Their Love Of A Thing By Their Hatred Of Its Opposite.

Louis [c.k.] Is Great. But I Don't Know How Many You Could Do.

I Hate Fame. I Hate Being Recognized, Because I Don't Know How To Talk To People.

I Generally Have A Real Strong Idea Or A Strong Punchline, And I Just Try To Get To It By Rambling Around, As I Don't Like To Memorize Words.

If You Desire Praise Or Esteem, Endeavor To Merit It.

This Is A Thing I Read By A Scientist... It Said Scientists Now Say That A Man Thinks About Sex Once Every 7.3 Seconds. Now, I Know What I Think Every 7.3 Seconds. It's Just A Bunch Of Meaningless Gibberish.

We Are Often Less Grieved At Disappointments Than At Ourselves For Having Said Much Concerning The Certainty Of Our Expectations.

Most Men Appear Wiser In Their Doubts Than In Their Belief.

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Jealousy Seldom Punishes With The Severity It Suffers.

If You're Looking For The Suspect In A Suicide Bombing, Here's A Clue: Look For The Dead Guy.

Never Raise Expectations In Others That You Cannot Realize: Promise Is Less Pleasing Than Disappointment Is Vexatious.

In Love, We Are Best Pleased When We Please Others.

The Most Frequent Cause Of Regret For What We Have Done Is Because Its Effects Interfere With What We Would Do.

As Evacuation Eases The Body, So Occasional Ejectment Of Passion Seems To Appease The Agonies Of The Soul, And Dispose To Tranquility The Agitations Of The Heart.

I Don't Know Anything About Politics. I Wouldn't Put Too Much Into My Prediction On Politics.

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[televised Stand-up] Never Really Makes Me Laugh. The Only One I Ever Saw That I Liked Was Richard Pryor, And That Was [shot On] Film.

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The Praise We Seek For Our Own Virtues Sometimes Tempts Us To Flatter The Imperfections Of Other Men.

When People Told The Audience That [sam Kinison] Was Good, He Was Accepted After That.

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In Giving Advice, Aptitude Is Often Less To Be Considered, Than Seasonableness.

The Beginning Of Wisdom Is The Knowledge Of Folly.

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Many Frequently Change Their Principles, But Seldom Their Practices.

I Sort Of Have Open Invitations From A Lot Of People To Do Tv. But It's Very Hard For Me To Do Roles In Sitcoms And Movies Because I'm Not A Great Actor, So If The Material Isn't Good, I'm In Torment While I Do It.

Though You May Be Last To Discover Your Follies, Be Always First To Correct Them.

We Advise Others Better Than Ourselves.

The Reason We Have Few Friends In Adversity, Is, Because We Have No True Ones In Prosperity.

It Is Often Better To Be Restricted To Necessity Than Unconfined In The Measure Of Our Desires: Prosperity Destroys More Individuals Than Adversity Ruins.

I've Been In Theaters. Like Brian Regan, Who I Love - Loved Him So Much More When He Did The Improvs. And Then In A Big Theater - Nobody's That Good.

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I Don't Know The Difference Between A Hippie And A Hipster But, It's Fun To Watch Either One Of Them Get Beat Up.

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All That Weak People Learn From Disappointment, Is Less Confidence In Future Enterprise.

Ignorance Is Better Than Knowledge Misapplied.

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A Capacity For Hating The Object Of Desire Is, Perhaps, The Best Cure For Love In Cases Of Disappointment.

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The Promises We Break Are Usually Such As We Are Most Forward In Making.

You Ever Be Having A Really Good Dream, And Then, Uh- Right In The Middle Of The Dream You Wake Up, Right In The Best Part Of The Dream? And There You Are, Back In Your Stinkin' Life Again? Man, That's Rough, Eh?

When I Was A Kid, Everybody That Played Golf Was An Old Man. Until Tiger Showed Up, They Weren't In Very Good Shape.

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Love Is An Artful Arrangement Of Artless Pretensions, Whereby We Labor To Appear Innocent In What We Desire To Be Most Cunning.

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Few Criminals Die Sensible Of Their Crimes.

I Can't Be Naturalistic Enough To Make It Sound Real. So Instead, I Just Wander Around Aimlessly Knowing That I'll Be Funny Enough With Stream Of Consciousness Until I Get To The Actual Explosively Funny Part.

A Lot Of Writers Come From Harvard And Such, And Are Rich, And They Write Under The Misapprehension That Poor People Are Stupid. So When They Do Write Them, They Are Hillbillies Or Rednecks Or Christian Idiots.

You Ever See 'the Dating Game'? That's A Weird Game Show. The Prize On That Show: Another Contestant. Talk About Cheap.

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I Always Told Everybody The Perfect Joke Would Be Where The Setup And Punch Line Were Identical.

Actually, With Those Dirty Movies, I Find Like, They're Good For About Fifteen, Twenty Minutes. I'm Really Interested. And, Then, Uh, There's One Point, That All Of A Sudden I'm Bored. You Know? I Just Lose Interest Completely And I Feel Deeply Ashamed.

Last Christmas, I Got The Worst Gift A Guy Ever Gave Me. He Gave Me A Lottery Ticket... What's The Guy Even Thinking There. Here You Go... Nothing! Merry Christmas! It's Nothing!

Merry Christmas

I've Always Been Very Averse To Innuendo, Especially Sexual. I Find It Cowardly Or Something.

Ever See This? It's A Homeless Guy But He's Got A Dog... The Dog's Really Thrilled With This Idea. The Dog's Going, Hey Pal, I Can Do This By Myself Pretty Well. The Longest Walk In The World You Got Me On Here.

I Got My Computer. The Great Thing About The Computer Is That You Only Need Enough Money To Buy A Computer And Some Food, And You're All Right. I Don't Have To Go To Premières.

Comedy Is Surprises, So If You're Intending To Make Somebody Laugh And They Don't Laugh, That's Funny.

Most Men Will Go Farther To Give Advice Than To Follow Their Own Opinion.

On Update, The Only Real Original Thing Was Trying To Take Away The Cleverness Of The Punchline And Make It As Blunt As Possible.

I Don't Know Anything About Politics. Like, Zero. Nothing.

They're Like ''you're An Alcoholic.'' I Go ''no, I'm Not.'' And Then-apparently That's What Alcoholics Say Too, You Know?

The Man That Does Not Fear Punishment, Little Regards Crime.

This Would Have Been A Great Game To Watch If We Didn't Have Any Money On It.

When I Started In Canada, I Just Did Stand-up.

You Know, With Hitler, The More I Learn About That Guy, The More I Don't Care For Him.

I'm Not Original, But I Strive Toward It As Much As Possible. I Tried Really Hard On Weekend Update To Do Something That I Considered Original, Which Was, I Tried To Cut All Cleverness Out Of The Joke.

They That Are Fated To Be Fools, Have One Consolation, That They Are Fated Also To Be Ignorant Of It.

When I Hear A Guy Lost A Battle To Cancer, That Really Did Bother Me, That That's A Term. It Implies That He Failed And That Somebody Else That Defeated Cancer Is Heroic And Courageous.

I Love Writing - It's The Best. But I Really Hate Collaboration.

They Say That If You're Afraid Of Homosexuals, It Means That Deep Down Inside You're Actually A Homosexual Yourself. That Worries Me Because I'm Afraid Of Dogs.

In Estimating The Adversities Of Life, We Would Seldom Have Much Reason To Complain Of The Evils We Suffer, Did We Understand The Dangers We Daily Escape.

I'm Thankful For Women. I Think Women Are More Intelligent Than Men. Also, Without Women, There Would Be No Cookies.

I Don't Care For Sex. I Find It An Embarrassing, Dull Exercise. I Prefer Sports, Where You Can Win.

Oj Simpson Was In A Different Kind Of Courtroom This Week Attempting To Regain Custody Of His Two Children. In Order To Prove To The Court How Much He Loves His Kids, Oj Pointed Out Quote 'hey, They're Still Alive, Aren't They?'

Women Of No Beauty May Yet Be Flattered To Believe They Possess Some; Others Of A Moderate Share That They Have A Great Deal; But Those Of Elegance And Charm Generally Know The Perfection Of Their External Graces So Well, That They Seem To Covet That Flattery Most Which Heightens The Opinion Of Their Wit And Judgment.

We Often Suffer More From Our Fears, Than From The Dangers Of Our Situation.

Many People Are Skeptical About Marriage Of Michael Jackson And Lisa Marie Pressley. They Say, Lisa Marie Is More Of A Sit At Home Type, While Michael Jackson Is More Of A Homosexual Pedophile.

You Can't Love Your Team Without Hating Another Team.

I've Been Offered Political Shows Before, And I Don't Know Anything About Politics And I Feel Uncomfortable Making Political Opinions - There's Consequences To Them. I Often Think I'm Wrong, So I Really Don't Like Getting In Political Or Religious Discussions Because Of The Giant Possibility That I Might Be Wrong.

Political Opinions

My Dad Died, And My Grandfather Died, And My Great-grandfather Died. And The Guy Before Him, I Don't Know. Probably Died.

You Ever Hear Guys With Small Cocks Talk About Sex? Can't Talk About It Enough. They Even Got Poems. They'll Say, 'it's Not The Motion Of The Ocean, It's The Boat Of The Lotion.' I've Even Heard Variants..., It's Not The Tree Or The Size, It's The Axe That You Wax.' It's A Whole Sub-genre Of Poetry Now That's Taught In Many Of Our Finer Institutions.

I Like Doing A Funny Show Where I Don't Have To Act And Fall In Love With A Girl.

Falling In Love

I'm Not Gay, So I Don't Know Much About Broadway Musicals.

I Don't Do Much. I'm Too Lazy. That's My Problem. Hang Around My Couch, Watching The Tv. Just Too Lazy. I Realized This The Other Day, I Get Hit My A Truck Tomorrow - A Big Truck Could Hit Me - Paralyze Me From The Neck Down. Wouldn't Effect My Lifestyle A Bit Really.

There Are Two Things At Which Most Men Are Grieved: When Their Faults Are Exposed, And When Their Virtues Are Concealed.

The Character Of Giving Advice Often Makes Us Accountable For The Conduct Of Those We Advise.

I'm No Good At Anything But Comedy, Which I Think I'm Good At. I'm Absolutely No Good At Networking; I'm Terrible At Acting; I'm Terrible At Dealing With Executives; I'm Terrible At Collaborating. And I Say Whatever I Want To Say. But I Think I'm Good Enough At Comedy That I Can Survive. And I Don't Really Have An Ambition For Money.

Note To Self: No Matter How Bad Life Gets, There's Always Beer.

It Is Better To Be Idle Than Employed In Ill.

In Math, You Could Get 100 Percent. It Was Very Fair. That's What I Liked About Math. You Could Figure It Out, And The Teacher Couldn't Have A Stupid Opinion About It.

There Hasn't Been An Original Voice In Stand-up Since Sam Kinison.

Whenever I Do Theaters, I Don't Like 'em. I Don't Think They're Right For Stand-up.

I Just Got Back From New York. You Ever Been There? There Was A Big Gay Parade Going On There When I Was There, And I Never Been To One Of Them, And I Like A Parade. I Always Like A Parade. So, I Go There, And It Turns Out, It's Just A Bunch Of Gay Guys.

Rip Amy Winehouse. We Lost A True Heroin Addict Today.

The Only Two Tv Shows I Saw Do That, Where They Don't Warm Them Up And You Can Really Bomb, Was Saturday Night Live - And That's Why It Gets A Lot Of Heat, Too. Obviously It Gets Criticism Fairly, Too. But A Lot Of It Is Because Lorne [michaels] Lets The Audience Decide And Doesn't Force Them To Laugh.

There's No Show Business In Canada, So Everybody Just Did Stand-up And We All Thought, "oh, We'll Just Keep Doing Stand-up." And Then I'm Like, "there's More Work In The States."

It Is Vain To Complain Of Fortune While We Fail In Policy And Conduct.

I Was In My Peak Physical Condition When I Was About Like, Uh... One. Oh God, I Looked Good, Young And Fresh! You Wouldn't Know Me Now If You'd Seen Me When I Was One, You Know? I Even Looked Good For My Age. People Would Come Up To Me And Go, What Are You, Zero? And I'd Go, No, I'm One Over Here!

Pulp Fiction Is A, Uh, Gritty, Urban Satire. Pump Friction Is A Uh-uh, A Bunch Of Uh, Dudes And Ladies Having Dirty Sex.

I Never Do Impressions, But I Probably Should. People Like That Stuff.

Few People Love With The Violence They Hate.

A Suspicious Person Is The Rival Of Him That Deceives, Both Seem To Practice A Knowledge Of Cunning Device, And Equable Sense Of Disengenuous Merit.

I've Shown People Richard Pryor Who've Never Seen Him, And Most Of Them Don't Like Him.

With The Ambitious, The Failure Of One Expedient Is The Suggestion Of Another; But With The Irresolute, Defeat Usually Occasions Abandonment Of Purpose.

Yeah Man, They Call Gambling A Disease, But It's The Only Disease Where You Can Win A Bunch Of Money.

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Imprudent Restrictions Often Force Youth Farther Than Enticement Would Carry Them; And Careless Limitation Is Frequently Worse Than No Injunction.

It's A Very Odd Thing With Hollywood, Where You Do Stand-up, You're Good At It, Then They Go, "how Would You Like To Be A Horrible Actor?" Then You Say, "all Right, That Sounds Good. I'll Do That."

Envy, Like A False Mirror, Distorts The Symmetry Of The Sweetest Form.

A Great Cause Of Evil In The World Is That Men Seldom Think Themselves Criminal If They Offer The Same Injustice To Others That Has Been Successfully Practiced On Themselves.

There Are Two Indiscretions That Generally Distinguish Fools: A Readiness To Report Whatever They Hear, And A Practice Of Communicating With Secrecy What Is Commonly Understood.

Education Makes Some Men Wiser, Others More Ridiculous And Foolish!

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All Kinds Of Violence On The Tv. You're Not Supposed To Watch Violence On The Tv. Children, They Can't Watch It 'cause They're Afraid Maybe The Kids Will Copy Something They See On The Tv. I Can't Even Get A Funny Cartoon Anymore Because Some 12-year-old Somewhere Watched A Particularly Violent Episode Of The Road Runner-coyote Show, And The Next Day, They Found Him At The Bottom Of A Canyon, Two Giant Springs Strapped To His Feet.

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I Don't Really Like Politics That Much. And I Like The Order And Simplicity Of Sports. They Have An Ending. You Can Argue With Your Friends About It, But In The End You Still Like Sports. I Almost Love The Fantasy World Of Sports More Than The Real World.

Kenny G Has A Christmas Album Out This Year. Hey, Happy Birthday Jesus! Hope You Like Crap!

Richard Pryor Is My Favorite Stand-up Ever.

Some Men Are Tempted To Violate Secrecy From The Uneasiness Secrecy Gives Them, And Others, Merely To Impress You With The Extent Of Their Confidence.

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Motion Pictures

The Standard Of Morals Is As Variable As Morals Themselves; Of Which Every Nation Has A Different Code, And Every Custom A Different Reading.

I Don't Have Any Ambition.

The Young Compliment Their Greatness On The Number Of Their Friends; The Old, On The Confidence Of Them.

I Had A Show That People Thought Used A Laugh Track. It Wasn't; It Was The Real Audience Going Crazy After Everything That Resembled A Joke, That They Could Technically Call A Joke.

We Are Happy At The Respect Others Pay Our Favorites, Because We Consider It A Lively Confirmation Of Our Own Choice, And As So Much Homage Reflected On Ourselves.

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After Months Of Speculation, The Sitcom Star Ellen Degeneres Admitted That Yes, She's Gay. Inspired By Her Courage, Today, Diet-guru Richard Simmons Admitted That He Is Really, Really, Really, Really Gay.

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During Misfortunes, Nothing Aggravates Our Condition More, Than To Be Esteemed Deserving Of Them.

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We Would Seldom Be Deceived By Flattery, Did Our Own Conceit Not Promote The Delusion.

I'm A Huge Sports Fan But Have No Interest In Minutiae. I Don't Remember Who Won Super Bowls Five Years Ago Or Listen To Sports Talk Radio.

Note To Self... Sex With Blow-up Doll Is Not As Good As Advertised.

A Readiness To Excuse Some Faults, Shows A Disposition To Commit Others.

I'm Happy Doing Stand-up, But I'll Probably Do A Television Show Eventually. If Not, I'll Delve Into This Internet World And Decide Best How To Harness It. What I Like Best About It Is The Independent Movie Style And The Ability To Just Be Completely Reckless Within That World. I Like That A Lot. I Just Have To Acquaint Myself With Technology.

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