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Our Most Basic Emotional Need Is Not To Fall In Love But To Be Genuinely Loved By Another, To Know A Love That Grows Out Of Reason And Choice, Not Instinct. I Need To Be Loved By Someone Who Chooses To Love Me, Who Sees In Me Something Worth Loving.

-Gary Chapman

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Our Most Basic Emotional

Gary Chapman

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Our Most Basic Emotional Need Is Not To Fall In Love But To Be Genuinely Loved By Another, To Know A Love That Grows Out Of Reason And Choice, Not Instinct. I Need To Be Loved By Someone Who Chooses To Love Me, Who Sees In Me Something Worth Loving.

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Falling In Love

More From Gary Chapman

Love Can Be Expressed And Received In All Five Languages. However, If You Don't Speak A Person's Primary Love Language, That Person Will Not Feel Loved, Even Though You May Be Speaking The Other Four. Once You Are Speaking His Or Her Primary Love Language Fluently, Then You Can Sprinkle In The Other Four And They Will Be Like Icing On The Cake.

You Cannot Force Someone To Accept An Expression Of Love. You Can Only Offer It. If It Is Not Accepted, You Must Respect The Other Person's Decision.

We Can Certainly See Contemporary Examples Of People Who Radically Change. As Long You Believe Your Spouse Will Never Change And You Keep Telling Yourself That, Then You Live With No Hope. But If You Understand That That's A Myth, Then You Open Up The Door To Hope.

Love Is Always Freely Given. Love Cannot Be Demanded. We Can Request Things Of Each Other, But We Must Never Demand Anything. Requests Give Direction To Love, But Demands Stop The Flow Of Love.

Love Makes Requests, Not Demands.

Most Of Us Have More Potential Than We Will Ever Develop. What Holds Us Back Is Often A Lack Of Courage.

Physician Albert Scheweitzer Said. " We Are All So Much Together, But We Are All Dying Of Loneliness." Professor Leo Buscaglia Notes, "there Seems To Be Accumulating Evidence That There Is Actually An Inborn Need For This Togetherness, This Human Interaction, This Love. It Seems That Without These Close Ties With Other Human Beings, A New Born Infant, For Example, Can Regress Developmentally, Lose Consciousness, Fall Into Idiocy And Die.

Respect Begins With This Attitude: "i Acknowledge That You Are A Creature Of Extreme Worth. God Has Endowed You With Certain Abilities And Emotions. Therefore I Respect You As A Person. I Will Not Desecrate Your Worth By Making Critical Remarks About Your Intellect, Your Judgment Or Your Logic. I Will Seek To Understand You And Grant You The Freedom To Think Differently From The Way I Think And To Experience Emotions That I May Not Experience." Respect Means That You Give The Other Person The Freedom To Be An Individual.

We Can Choose The Attitude That Says, I Have Been Wronged. People Have Hurt Me, But With The Help Of God, I Am Going To Learn How To Return Good For Evil, And I Am Going To Make A Difference In This World.

In Marriage It Is Never Having My Own Way. It Is Rather Discovering Our Way.

Positive Marriage

We Are Human, Which Means We Have The Potential To Make Things Different.

Another Reality About Relationships Is That They Are Never Static. All Of Us Experience Changes In Relationships But A Few Stop To Analyse Why A Relationship Gets Better Or Worse.

Inside Every Child Is An 'emotional Rani's Waiting To Be Filled With Love. When A Child Really Feels Loved, He Will Develop Normally But When The Love Tank Is Empty, The Child Will Misbehave. Much Of The Misbehavior Of Children Is Motivated By The Cravings Of An Empty 'love Tank

Language Of Love

Most People Spend Far More Time In Preparation For Their Vocation Than They Do In Preparation For Marriage.

Requests Give Direction To Love, But Demands Stop The Flow Of Love.

I Think One Of The Other Myths Is That Your Environment Determines Your Happiness. That If You Are Living With An Alcoholic Or Living With A Depressed Spouse For A Long Time, You Are Just Going To Be Unhappy.

We All Desperately Need Love. If A Spouse In A Difficult Marriage Will Learn The Love Language Of That Spouse, And They Will, With The Help Of God, Consistently Speak Their Love Language No Matter How They Are Treated.

Love Is The Most Powerful Weapon In The World For Good. I Really Believe That.

The Pattern Often Has Been Entrenched Since Childhood... [abusive People] Don't Think That There Is Anything Wrong With Them Because That Is The Way They Were Brought Up In Their Family.

Physically Abusive And Verbally Abuse Marriages Are Very, Very Difficult Situations. I Fully Understand People In Those Kinds Of Marriages Who Think There Is No Hope. I Also Know That The Advice That Is Given By Most People Is Simply... Get Out Of There As Fast As You Can.

Difficult Situations

Love Doesn't Erase The Past, But It Makes The Future Different.

Empathetic Listening Is An Awesome Medication For The Hurting Heart.

When I Admit My Own Imperfections, It Doesn't Mean I Am A Bad Person.

Love Is A Choice You Make Everyday.

The Person Who Is "in-love" Has The Ilusion That His Beloved Is Perfect.

I Am Not Minimizing Emotions. Emotions Are An Important Part Of Life.

Much Of The Misbehavior Of Children Is Motivated By The Cravings Of An Empty Love Tank.

Language Of Love

Lack Of Love From Parents Often Motivates Their Children To Go Searching For Love In Other Relationships. This Search Is Often Misguided And Leads To Further Disappointment.

What We Dislike In Others Is Often A Weakness In Our Own Lives.

Togetherness Has To Do With Focused Attention. It Is Giving Someone Your Undivided Attention. As Humans, We Have A Fundamental Desire To Connect With Others. We May Be In The Presence Of People All Day Long, But We Do Not Always Feel Connected.

This Is A Huge Thing If You Are Going To Have A Positive Impact On Your Spouse. You Have To Not Only Realize This, But You Have To Practice This.

I Hope The Reader's Sense That I Am Deeply Empathetic With The Pain Of Being In A Desperate Marriage, But I Also Believe That The Person Who Is Married To The Abuser Or The Alcoholic Or Whomever Has The Greatest Potential For Helping Them.

Our Spouse Will Usually Interpret Our Message Based On Our Tone Of Voice, Not The Words We Use.

By Nature, Most People Are Controlled By Their Emotions. They Feel Sad, So They Look Sad.

Each Person Has The Potential Of Making A Positive Impact On The World. It All Depends On What You Do With What You Have. Success Is Not To Be Measured By The Amount Of Money You Possess Or The Position You Attain But Rather In How You Use Both. Position And Money Can Be Squandered Or Abused, But They Can Also Be Used To Help Others.

At The Heart Of Mankind's Existence Is The Desire To Be Intimate And To Be Loved By Another. Marriage Is Designed To Meet That Need For Intimacy And Love.

Expressing Love In The Right Language. We Tend To Speak Our Own Love Language, To Express Love To Others In A Language That Would Make Us Feel Loved. But If It Is Not His/her Primary Love Language, It Will Not Mean To Them What It Would Mean To Us.

Very Few Alcoholics Get Into A Treatment Program Until They Are At The End Of The Rope, Often When They Feel Like They Are About To Lose Something That Is Important To Them, Namely A Wife Or Their Family. The Same Is True With Those Who Are Physically And Verbally Abusive.

The Reality Is, If You Go To The Library And Read Biographies, Thousands Of People Have Changed, Radically Changed. St. Augustine Was One Of Them. He Lived A Terrible A Life For The First 33 Years, And Then He Radically Changed.

The Getting Out Part [of Advise] May Well Be True. Because If You Have Tried The Tender Love Thing... Typically The Abuser Is Not Going To Change Until They Are Pushed In A Corner.

Emotions Are Our Spontaneous Response To Life. We Have These Emotions, But If The Emotion Is A Negative Emotion, Then I Have A Choice To Say, "i Am Feeling Sad Tonight Because This Happened, But I Am Not Going To Let My Sadness Keep Me From Engaging My Wife In Conversation. "

I Am Amazed By How Many Individuals Mess Up Every New Day With Yesterday.

This Book [desperate Marriages ] Is Really A Book On How To Be A Positive Change Agent In A Very, Very Difficult Marriage. I Am Not Promising That All Individuals Will Be Responsive To The Approach I Take, But I Do Believe That Many Marriages Could Be Saved... Could Be Healed. That Is My Hope.

Real Love" - "this Kind Of Love Is Emotional In Nature But Not Obsessional. It Is A Love That Unites Reason And Emotion. It Involves An Act Of The Will And Requires Discipline, And It Recognizes The Need For Personal Growth.

Remember That Your Ultimate Goal Is For Your Children To Grow Up Secure In Your Love, Strong In Their Faith, And With Sound Character.

The In-love Experience Does Not Focus On Our Own Growth Or On The Growth And Development Of The Other Person. Rather, It Gives Us The Sense That We Have Arrived And That We Do Not Need Further Growth.

We Can Look At The Pain In Our Lives. We Can Look At The Way We Have Been Mistreated, And We Can Have An Attitude Of, I Will Never Amount To Anything. I Have Been Wrong About People All My Life. I Am Going To Pay Somebody Back For This.

We Are Trained To Analyze Problems And Create Solutions. We Forget That Marriage Is A Relationship, Not A Project To Be Completed Or A Problem To Solve.

Inspirational Marriage

Marriages Are Always Moving From One Season To Another. Sometimes We Find Ourselves In Winter--discouraged, Detached, And Dissatisfied; Other Times We Experience Springtime, With Its Openness, Hope, And Anticipation. On Still Other Occasions We Bask In The Warmth Of Summer--comfortable, Relaxed, Enjoying Life. And Then Comes Fall With Its Uncertainty, Negligence, And Apprehension. The Cycle Repeats Itself Many Times Throughout The Life Of A Marriage, Just As The Seasons Repeat Themselves In Nature.

What We Do For Each Other Before Marriage Is No Indication Of What We Will Do After Marriage.

Before Marriage

True Love Cannot Begin Until The "in Love" Experience Has Run It's Course.

Love Is Something You Do For Someone Else, Not Something You Do For Yourself.

Power Of Forgiveness

All Of Us Blossom When We Feel Loved And Wither When We Do Not Feel Loved.

Once You Identify And Learn To Speak Your Spouse’s Primary Love Language, I Believe That You Will Have Discovered The Key To A Long-lasting, Loving Marriage. Love Need Not Evaporate After The Wedding, But In Order To Keep It Alive Most Of Us Will Have To Put Forth Effort To Learn A Secondary Love Language. We Cannot Rely On Our Native Tongue If Our Spouse Does Not Understand It. If We Want Them To Feel The Love We Are Trying To Communicate, We Must Express It In His Or Her Primary Love Language.

Love Doesn't Keep A Score Of Wrongs. Love Doesn't Bring Up Past Failures. (1 Cor 13:5)

Encouragement Requires Empathy And Seeing The World From Your Spouse's Perspective. We Must First Learn What Is Important To Our Spouse. Only Then Can We Give Encouragement. With Verbal Encouragement, We Are Trying To Communicate, "i Know. I Care. I Am With You. How Can I Help?" We Are Trying To Show That We Believe In Him And In His Abilities. We Are Giving Credit And Praise.

Conflicts Are Not A Sign You've Married The Wrong Person. They Simply Affirm You Are Human.

Don't Be A Victim Of The Urgent. In The Long Run, Much Of What Seems So Pressing Right Now Won't Even Matter. What You Do With Your Children Will Matter Forever.

People Tend To Criticize Their Spouse Most Loudly In The Area Where They Themselves Have The Deepest Emotional Need.

Language Of Love

Others Who Openly Discuss Matters Of Spirituality Often Ignore The Warning Signs. They Are So In Love With Each Other, Enjoy Being With Each Other, And Can See Themselves Making Each Other Happy For The Rest Of Their Lives, And They Close Their Eyes To Huge Differences In Their Views Of Spirituality.

A Soft Answer Turns Away Anger.

Many Couples Have Never Learned The Tremendous Power Of Verbally Affirming Each Other.

The Object Of Love Is Not Getting Something You Want But Doing Something For The Well-being Of The One You Love.

I Think People Desperately Want To Feel Love.

I Think That In Today's World, By Nature, We Are All Self-centered. And That Often Leads To Selfishness.

My Attitude Affects My Actions. So, If I Have A Negative Attitude About It, Then It Is Going To Show Up In The Way I Respond, But If I Have A Positive Attitude, Then I Start Looking For The Things I Can Do That Will Make My Life Better And Make The Lives Of People Around Me Better.

On The Other Hand, If I Walk In The House, I Don't Even Bother To Find Her, I Just Walk In The Den And Flip On The Tv, Get Myself Something To Drink, Sit Down, Start Unwinding, I Have Influenced My Wife In A Very Negative Way.

Life's Deepest Meaning Is Not Found In Accomplishments , But In Relationships

We Fail To Reckon With The Reality Of Human Nature. By Nature,we Are Egocentric. Our World Revolves Around Us. None Of Us Is Totally Altruistic.

God Has The Potential Of Touching People's Hearts And Changing Them.

I Think One Of The Myths Is That People Don't Change. A Lot Of People Believe That. Their Spouse Has Been An Alcoholic For The First 10 Years Of The Marriage, And They Say They Are Never Going To Change.

..there Is Hope. That's The Marvelous Thing About Being Human. We Can Change Our Future. We Need Not Be Enslaved By The Experiences Of The Past. We Can Learn To Love Even When We Have Not Received Love.

Inspirational Love

If I Walk In The House, And I Greet My Wife, And I Give Her A Hug, Kiss Her On The Cheek, And I Say To Her, "honey, How'd Your Day Go," And I Listed To How Her Day Went. If I Say, "is There Anything I Can Do To Help You," And She Tells Me, "honey, If You Could Peel The Potatoes," Or Whatever, I Have Influenced My Wife In A Very Positive Way.

What Is Emotional Intimacy? It Is That Depp Sense Of Being Connected To One Another. It Is Feeling Loved, Respected And Appreciated, While At The Same Time Seeking To Reciprocate. To Feel Loved Is To Have The Sense That The Other Person Genuinely Cares About Your Well-being. Respect Has To Do With Feeling That Your Potential Spouse Has Positive Regard For Your Personhood, Intellect, Abilities And Personality. Appreciation Is That Inner Sense That Your Partner Values Your Contribution To The Relationship.

I Think Another [myth] Is That Some Marriages Are Just Hopeless. This Is A Common Thing I Hear From People, "well, I Just Think There Are Some Marriages That Are Hopeless, Dr. Chapman, Don't You Agree With That?" I Say I Understand The Feeling, But The Fact Is That There Are No Marriages That Are Hopeless.

If You Grew Up In A Dysfunctional Family, Then There Is Really No Hope For You To Have A Good Relationship. That Is Another Myth That We Have To Throw Off, So That We Can Get Into What I Call Reality.

Good Relationship

Dysfunctional Family

Forgiveness Is Not A Feeling; It Is A Commitment.

I Think The Tingles Are Important. They Are Real, And I Am In Favor Of Their Survival. But They Are Not The Basis For A Satisfactory Marriage. I Am Not Suggesting That On Should Marry Without The Tingles. Those Warm, Excited Feelings, The Chill Bumps, That Sense Of Acceptance, The Excitement Of The Touch That Make Up The Tingles Serve As The Cherry On Top Of The Sundae. But You Cannot Have A Sundae With Only The Cherry.

In A Difficult Marriage, Both Of Us Have Failed Each Other. Even Though One May Be The Major Problem,you Also Have Failed Often In The Way You Have Responded To Them, The Way You Have Treated Them, In The Way You Have Handled Your Hurt And Your Pain.

Love Is The Fundamental Building Block Of All Human Relationships. It Will Greatly Impact Our Values And Morals. I Am Also Convinced That Love Is The Most Important Ingredient In The Single 's Search For Meaning.

The Decision To Get Married Will Impact One's Life More Deeply Than Almost Any Decision In Life. Yet People Continue To Rush Into Marriage With Little Or No Preparation For Making A Marriage Successful. In Fact, Many Couples Give Far More Attention To Making Plans For The Wedding Than Making Plans For Marriage. The Wedding Festivities Last Only A Few Hours, While The Marriage, We Hope, Will Last For A Lifetime

A Child May Be "spoiled" By A Lack Of Training Or By Inappropriate Love That Gives Or Trains Incorrectly.

Nobody Has The Power To Make You Miserable . . . Unless You Choose To Give Them That Power. Choose To Enjoy Every Drop Of Today!

We Cannot Erase The Past, But We Can Accept It As History.

When People Respond Too Quickly, They Often Respond To The Wrong Issue. Listening Helps Us Focus On The Heart Of The Conflict. When We Listen, Understand, And Respect Each Other's Ideas, We Can Then Find A Solution In Which Both Of Us Are Winners.

Love Is Reaching Out To Try To Get To The Other Person.

One [reality] Is That I Am Responsible For My Attitude. I Can Be In Prison, And I Happen To Get A Chance To Go Outside. I Can Look At The Mud, Or I Can Look At The Stars. I Am The One Who Decides Which Way To Look. That Is True For Every One Of Us.

I Am Amazed By How Many Individuals Mess Up Every New Day With Yesterday. They Insist On Bringing Into Today The Failures Of Yesterday And In So Doing, They Pollute A Potentially Wonderful Day.

If We Are To Develop An Intimate Relationship, We Need To Know Each Other's Desires. If We Wish To Love Each Other, We Need To Know What The Other Person Wants.

Intimate Relationships

We Cannot Rely On Our Native Tongue If Our Spouse Does Not Understand It. If We Want Them To Feel The Love We Are Trying To Communicate, We Must Express It In His Or Her Primary Love Language.

Before I Discovered The Concept Of The 5 Love Languages, A Bit Of Advice I Was Given Was To Become A Student Of My Wife And To Take Time To Learn What Makes Her Feel Loved. I Soon Learned That What Makes Her Feel Loved May Not Always Be The Thing I Want To Do Because It May Not Come Natural To Me. But Learning To Love Her In The Way That Makes Her Feel Loved Is A Greater Demonstration Of My Love For Her, Because I've Chosen To Do It With A Goal Of Pleasing Her.

Every Single Day In A Marriage, We Influence Each Other. It Is A Matter Of Am I Going To Have A Positive Influence Or A Negative Influence?

Sometimes When The Spouse Is Really The Culprit, It Is Hard To Admit What You Consider Your Little Failures, But If You Are Going To Have A Better Relationship, You Admitting Your Part In The Dynamics Is A Step In The Road To Healing. Because If They See You Modeling Apology, For Example, And They See You Modeling Love, They May Well Get The Idea That Maybe They Need To Apologize.

Sex Is The Joining Of Two Bodies; Love Is The Joining Of Two Souls.

Over The Long Haul, Many Of Those People [in A Difficult Marriage] Will Begin To Reciprocate, Because You Are Meeting A Basic Need In Their Life, The Need For Love, And They Know They Don't Deserve Love Many Times.

For Love, We Will Climb Mountains, Cross Seas, Traverse Desert Sands, And Endure Untold Hardships. Without Love, Mountains Become Unclimbable, Seas Uncrossable, Deserts Unbearable, And Hardships Our Lot In Life.

Isolation Is Devastating To The Human Psyche.

I Would Encourage You To Make Your Own Investigation Of The One Whom, As He Died, Prayed For Those Who Killed Him: 'father Forgive Them For They Know Not What They Do.' That Is Love's Ultimate Expression.

I Wrote This Book [ Desperate Marriages] Because Of My Own Marriage. My Wife And I Struggled Greatly In The Early Years Of Marriage. In Spite Of The Fact That We Were Christians Before We Got Married, We Prayed About Getting Married, We Believed It Was God's Will For Us To Get Married, And We Still Had Great Struggles.

People Do Not Get Married Planning To Divorce. Divorce Is The Result Of A Lack Of Preparation For Marriage And The Failure To Learn The Skills Of Working Together As Teammates In An Intimate Relationship.

Intimate Relationships

Our Most Basic Emotional Need Is Not To Fall In Love But To Be Genuinely Loved By Another, To Know A Love That Grows Out Of Reason And Choice, Not Instinct. I Need To Be Loved By Someone Who Chooses To Love Me, Who Sees In Me Something Worth Loving.

Falling In Love

The One Who Chooses To Love Will Find Appropriate Ways To Express That Decision Everyday.

Forgiveness Is Not A Feeling; It Is A Commitment. It Is A Choice To Show Mercy, Not To Hold The Offense Up Against The Offender. Forgiveness Is An Expression Of Love.

Ask Yourself: Does The Action I Am Considering Have Any Potential For Dealing With The Wrong And Helping The Relationship? And Is It Best For The Person At Whom I Am Angry? The Two Most Constructive Options Are Either To Confront The Person In A Helpful Way, Or To Consciously Decide To Overlook The Matter.

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