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Natural Childbirth Scares Me. I Think Before You Have Natural Childbirth You Should Find Out How Big The Baby Is. Three Pounds -- Natural Childbirth. Anything Over Three Pounds -- Heroin.

-Rita Rudner

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Natural Childbirth Scares Me.

Rita Rudner

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Natural Childbirth Scares Me. I Think Before You Have Natural Childbirth You Should Find Out How Big The Baby Is. Three Pounds -- Natural Childbirth. Anything Over Three Pounds -- Heroin.

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My Boyfriend And I Broke Up. He Wanted To Get Married And I Didn't Want Him To.

The Closest I Ever Came To A Menage-a-trois Was When I Dated A Schizophrenic.

If I Say A Joke And The Audience Laughs It Makes Me Feel Good.

I Had Teeth That Stuck Out So Far, I Used To Eat Other Kids' Candy Bars By Accident.

My Husband And I Are Either Going To Buy A Dog Or Have A Child. We Can't Decide Whether To Ruin Our Carpet Or Ruin Our Lives.

If A Man Prepares Dinner For You And The Salad Contains Three Or More Types Of Lettuce, He Is Serious.

I Had No Desire To Be A Stand-up Comic Until I Decided To Do It.

Only Men Who Have Worn A Ski Suit Understand How Complicated It Is For A Woman To Go To The Bathroom When She's Wearing A Jumpsuit.

I Don't Think Jogging Is Healthy, Especially Morning Jogging. If Morning Joggers Knew How Tempting They Looked To Morning Motorists, They Would Stay Home And Do Sit-ups.

Don't Try To Teach Men How To Do Anything In Public. They Can Learn In Private; In Public They Have To Know.

Individuality In Dressing Is Not Important To Men. If They All Look Alike It Means They Haven't Made A Mistake.

No Man Is Charming All Of The Time. Even Cary Grant Is On Record Saying He Wished He Could Be Cary Grant.

I Love Being Married. It's So Great To Find That One Special Person You Want To Annoy For The Rest Of Your Life.

I Suffer From Peroxide Phobia. Every Time I've Gotten Near A Blond Woman, Something Of Mine Has Disappeared. Jobs, Boyfriends... One Time An Angora Sweater Leaped Right Off My Body.

Men Who Write Love Letters Don't Live In This Century.

When You're A Dancer, You Start With The Basics. You Don't All Of A Sudden Do A Grand Jete And Pirouette. You Start With First Position, Second, Third.

I Paid Attention To Not Being A Comedian, And Just Concentrated On Being Who I Was. That Is What You Have To Do. If You Say You Are A Comedian That Has Been Done Before. If You Just Be Who You Are Then You Are Unique. Everyone Is Unique.

All Men Are Afraid Of Eyelash Curlers. They Don't Understand Them, And They Don't Want To Get Near Them. I Sleep With One Under My Pillow, Instead Of A Gun.

I Have Too Many Credit Cards. You Know What Happened? Someone Stole One And I Didn't Notice. I Noticed When I Got That Bill. Whoa! It Was So Much Less! I'm Letting Him Keep It. I'm Saving Money!

An Amicable Divorce Is Like A Ventilated Condom; It Just Doesn't Work.

Men Will Now Get Up And Walk With The Baby In The Middle Of The Night, Change Its Diapers, And Give It A Bottle, But In Their Heart Of Hearts They Still Think They Shouldn't Have To.

Blondes Have More Fun, Don't They? They Must. How Many Brunettes Do You See Walking Down The Street With Blond Roots?

I Don't Plan To Grow Old Gracefully. I Plan To Have Face-lifts Until My Ears Meet.

I Jogged For Three Miles Once. It Was The Worst Three Hours Of My Life.

I'm A Very Simple Person. I'm Very Shallow. Shallow, Simple, Easily Pleased: That's Me.

I Can See Close Up And My Husband Can See Far Away, So We're Covered. He Tells Me Who's In The Movie And I Tell Him What's In His Sandwich. Together We're Human Bifocals.

I Just Love Dogs, And There Really Is No Better Companion Than An Animal.

Men Hate To Lose. I Once Beat My Husband At Tennis. I Asked Him, "are We Going To Have Sex Again?" He Said, "yes, But Not With Each Other."

I Burned Sixty Calories. That Should Take Care Of A Peanut I Had In 1962.

Oh, My God. I've Just Told You How Old I Am. Nobody Knows How Old I Am. I'm Going To Have To Kill You Now.

The Time You Spend Grieving Over A Man Should Never Exceed The Amount Of Time You Actually Spent With Him

I Don't Look Back. I'm Like A Shark - I Only Look Forward.

Marriages Don't Last. When I Meet A Guy, The First Question I Ask Myself Is: Is This The Man I Want My Children To Spend Their Weekends With?

I Was Going To Have Cosmetic Surgery Until I Noticed That The Doctor's Office Was Full Of Portraits By Picasso.

I Work For Myself, Which Is Fun. Except When I Call In Sick, I Know I'm Lying.

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If Your Husband Has Difficulty Getting To Sleep, The Words 'we Need To Talk About Our Relationship' May Help.

My Father Was Never Very Friendly. When I Was Growing Up, I Thought The Doorbell Ringing Was A Signal To Pretend You Weren't Home.

Men Accept Compliments Much Better Than Women Do. Example: "mitch, You Look Great." Mitch: "thanks." On The Other Side: "ruth, You Look Great." Ruth: "i Do? Must Be The Lighting."

Some Women Hold Up Dresses That Are So Ugly And They Always Say The Same Thing: 'this Looks Much Better On.' On What? On Fire?

Men Who Are Going Bald Often Wear Baseball Caps.

How Can I Have Morning Sickness When I Don't Get Up Till Noon?

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It Wasn't That No One Asked Me To The Prom, It Was That No One Would Tell Me Where It Was.

Women Take Clothing Much More Seriously Than Men. I've Never Seen A Man Walk Into A Party And Say "oh, My God, I'm So Embarrassed; Get Me Out Of Here. There's Another Man Wearing A Black Tuxedo.

Not One Man In A Beer Commercial Has A Beerbelly.

When I Was A Kid, I Had Two Friends, And They Were Imaginary And They Would Only Play With Each Other.

Men Are Sensitive In Strange Ways. If A Man Has Built A Fire And The Last Log Does Not Burn, He Will Take It Personally.

It Takes Six Months To Get Into Shape And Two Weeks To Get Out Of Shape. Once You Know This You Can Stop Being Angry About Other Things In Life And Only Be Angry About This.

Men Own Basketball Teams. Every Year Cheerleaders' Outfits Get Tighter And Briefer, And Players' Shorts Get Baggier And Longer.

In High School I Was Voted The Girl Most Likely To Become A Nun. That May Not Be Impressive To You, But It Was Quite An Accomplishment At The Hebrew Academy.

The Logic Was, There Weren't Too Many Female Comedians, So I Thought I Might As Well Try A Field That Had Fewer Competitors Than The Field I Was In, Which Was Acting, Singing And Dancing.

You Know The Oxygen Masks On Airplanes? I Don't Think There's Really Any Oxygen. I Think They're Just To Muffle The Screams.

I Know I Want To Have Children While My Parents Are Still Young Enough To Take Care Of Them.

Men Like Cars, Women Like Clothes. Women Only Like Cars Because They Take Them To Clothes.

I Was A Ballerina. I Had To Quit After I Injured A Groin Muscle. It Wasn't Mine.

Most Turkeys Taste Better The Day After; My Mother's Tasted Better The Day Before.

My Parents Were Glad To See That My New Husband Looks Like A 'regular Guy'-no Earring Or Anything. But Really I Think A Man With An Earring Is Better Prepared For Marriage. I Mean, He's Already Experienced Pain And Bought Jewelry.

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A Man Will Go To War, Fight And Die For His Country. But He Won't Get A Bikini Wax.

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They Usually Have Two Tellers In My Local Bank, Except When It's Very Busy, When They Have One.

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Men Who Listen To Classical Music Tend Not To Spit.

Good Weather All The Week, But Come The Weekend The Weather Stinks. When The Weather Is Too Hot They Complain, Too Cold They Complain, And When It's Just Right, They're Watching Tv.

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I Just Don't Get Cats. To Me, They're A Waste Of Fur.

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Men Who Consistently Leave The Toilet Seat Up Secretly Want Women To Get Up To Go The Bathroom In The Middle Of The Night And Fall In.

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Never Take Candy From Strangers.

Commitment Is Different In Males And Females. In Females It Is A Desire To Get Married And Raise A Family. In Males It Means Not Picking Up Other Women While Out With One's Girlfriend.

Cats Are A Waste Of Fur.

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I Don't Want To Push The Envelope. Let The Envelope Stay In The Middle Of The Table. I'll Just Make You Laugh.

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I Was A Vegetarian Until I Started Leaning Toward The Sunlight.

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Men Don't Get Cellulite. God Might Just Be A Man.

Men Who Have A Pierced Ear Are Better Prepared For Marriage - They've Experienced Pain And Bought Jewelry.

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There Is A Woman Who Swam Around Manhattan, And I Asked Her, Why? She Said, It Hadn't Ever Been Done Before. Well, She Didn't Have To Do That. If She Wanted To Something No One Had Ever Done Before, All She Had To Do Was Vacuum My Apartment.

I Started Taking Ballet Lessons When I Was 4, And I Was Performing In Ballet Companies When I Was 10, And I Did Summer Stock In Miami Beach When I Was 12, And Finally I Said, 'i Gotta Go To Broadway.'

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Men Are Brave Enough To Go To War, But They Are Not Brave Enough To Get A Bikini Wax.

I Got Kicked Out Of Ballet Class Because I Pulled A Groin Muscle. It Wasn't Mine.

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How Come When You Mix Water And Flour Together You Get Glue...and Then You Add Eggs And Sugar And You Get Cake? Where Does The Glue Go?

Men Who Tell You They Read The Ann Summers Catalogue For The Articles Are Lying

Be Careful Of Men Who Are Bald And Rich; The Arrogance Of "rich" Usually Cancels Out The Nice Of "bald".

Men Love To Be The First To Read The Newspaper In The Morning. Not Being The First Is Upsetting To Their Psyches.

We Live In Los Angeles, Where You Are Expected To Move Every Two To Four Years, So People Can See How Well Your Career Is Going.

A Saleslady Holds Up An Ugly Dress And Says, 'this Looks Much Better On.' On What? On Fire?

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My Husband Gave Me A Necklace. It's Fake. I Requested Fake. Maybe I'm Paranoid, But In This Day And Age, I Don't Want Something Around My Neck That's Worth More Than My Head.

If It's Attention You Want, Don't Get Involved With A Man During Play-off Season.

One Of My First Office Jobs Was Cleaning The Windows On Brown Envelopes.

If You Like Easygoing, Monogamous Men, Stay Away From Billionaires.

Los Angeles Is A Very Transient Town. It's The Only Place I Know Where You Can Actually Rent A Dog.

Wives Are People Who Think It's Against The Law Not To Answer The Phone When It Rings.

Men Would Like Monogamy Better If It Sounded Less Like Monotony.

When I Want To End A Relationship I Just Say, 'you Know, I Love You. I Want To Marry You. I Want To Have Your Children.' Sometimes They Leave Skid Marks.

Men Have Better Self-images Than Women. You Know What I've Never Seen In A Men's Magazine? A Makeover.

Life Is Tough Enough Without Having Someone Kick You From The Inside.

Funny Inspirational

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Men Have An Easier Time Buying Bathing Suits. Women Have Two Types: Depressing And More Depressing. Men Have Two Types: Nerdy And Not Nerdy.

When A Woman Tries On Clothing From Her Closet That Feels Tight, She Will Assume She Has Gained Weight. When A Man Tries Something From His Closet That Feels Tight, He Will Assume The Clothing Has Shrunk.

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Human Nature Is Largely Something That Has To Be Overcome.

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Men Don't Live Well By Themselves. They Don't Even Live Like People. They Live Like Bears With Furniture.

I'll Never Understand Why People Go To Movie Theaters To Have Conversations. Going To The Movies To Talk Is Like Going To A Restaurant To Cook. The Idea Is That You Have Paid Your Money To Have Someone Do Something Better Than You Can Do It Yourself.

My Husband Is So Confident That When He Watches Sports On Television, He Thinks That If He Concentrates He Can Help His Team. If The Team Is In Trouble, He Coaches The Players From Our Living Room, And If They're Really In Trouble, I Have To Get Off The Phone In Case They Call Him.

Men Do Not Like To Admit To Even Momentary Imperfection. My Husband Forgot The Code To Turn Off The Alarm. When The Police Came, He Wouldn't Admit He'd Forgotten The Code... He Turned Himself In.

I Love To Write Jokes And That's All I Think About.

I'm Not Sure If My Husband Is Going To Be There When I Actually Have The Baby. He Said The Only Way He's Going To Be In The Room When There's A Delivery Is If There's A Pizza Involved.

When Four Or More Men Get Together, They Talk About Sports.

Nobody Is Really Happy With What's On Their Head. People With Straight Hair Want Curly, People With Curly Want Straight, And Bald People Want Everyone To Be Blind.

My Cousin Just Got Married For The Totally Wrong Reasons. She Married A Man For Money. She Wasn't Real Subtle About It. Instead Of Calling Him Her Fiancé, She Kept Calling Him Her Financee.

Men Have Higher Body Temperatures Than Women. If Your Heating Goes Out In Winter, I Recommend Sleeping Next To A Man. Men Are Like Portable Heaters That Snore.

Men In High Levels Of Government Seldom Surf.

Men Are Less Sentimental Than Women. No Man Has Ever Seen The Movie The Way We Were Twice, Voluntarily.

Her Idea Of A Romantic Setting Is One That Has A Diamond In It. If You Feel The Need To Marry A Doctor, I Suggest A Dermatologist. Good Hours, Free Retin-a.

In Hollywood A Marriage Is A Success If It Outlasts Milk.

I Love To Shop After A Bad Relationship. I Don't Know. I Buy A New Outfit And It Makes Me Feel Better. It Just Does. Sometimes I See A Really Great Outfit, I'll Break Up With Someone On Purpose.

Waiters And Waitresses Are Becoming Nicer And Much More Caring. I Used To Pay My Check, They Would Say "thank You." That's Now Escalated Into "you Care Care Of Yourself, Now." The Other Day I Paid My Check And The Waiter Said, "don't Put Off That Mammogram."

Men Who Drink Herbal Teas Are Seldom Serial Killers.

Men Reach Their Sexual Peak At Eighteen. Women Reach Theirs At Thirty-five. Do You Get The Feeling That God Is Playing A Practical Joke?

I Had The Most Boring Office Job In The World...i Used To Clean The Windows On Envelopes.

I Admire The Pope. I Have A Lot Of Respect For Anyone Who Can Tour Without An Album.

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The Older Theory Was, Marry An Older Man Because They're More Mature. But The New Theory Is Men Don't Mature. Marry A Younger One.

Men Don't Feel The Urge To Get Married As Quickly As Women Do Because Their Clothes All Button And Zip In The Front. Women's Dresses Usually Button And Zip In The Back. We Need Men Emotionally And Sexually, But We Also Need Men To Help Us Get Dressed.

Some People Think Having Large Breasts Makes A Woman Stupid. Actually, It's Quite The Opposite: A Woman Having Large Breasts Makes Men Stupid.

My Vegas Act Is How I Make My Money.

After You've Dated Someone It Should Be Legal To Stamp Them With What's Wrong With Them So The Next Person Doesn't Have To Start From Scratch.

Going Out To Eat Is Expensive. I Was Out At One Restaurant And They Didn't Have Prices On The Menu. Just Faces With Different Expressions Of Horror.

Women Are More Accommodating. If A Woman Drinks The Last Glass Of Apple Juice In The Refrigerator, She'll Make More Apple Juice. If A Man Drinks The Last Glass Of Apple Juice, He'll Just Put Back The Empty Container.

Men Like To Barbecue. Men Will Cook If Danger Is Involved.

You Know It's Love When You Want To Keep Holding Hands Even After You're Sweaty.

Halloween Was Confusing. All My Life My Parents Said, "never Take Candy From Strangers." And Then They Dressed Me Up And Said, "go Beg For It." I Didn't Know What To Do. I'd Knock On People's Doors And Go, "trick Or Treat."

I Want To Have Young Children Although My Mother And Father Are Even Now Young Sufficient To Just Take Care Of Them.

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When I Eventually Met Mr. Right I Had No Idea That His First Name Was Always.

The Word 'aerobics' Came About When The Gym Instructors Got Together And Said: If We're Going To Charge $10 An Hour, We Can't Call It Jumping Up And Down.

I Have Been Doing Leg Lifts Faithfully For About Fifteen Years, And The Only Thing That Has Gotten Thinner Is The Carpet Where I Have Been Doing The Leg Lifts.

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There Are Different Kinds Of Humor, Some Is Sarcastic, Some Introspective. Introspective Fit My Personality Better.

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Never Play Peek-a-boo With A Child On A Long Plane Trip. There's No End To The Game. Finally I Grabbed Him By The Bib And Said, "look, It's Always Gonna Be Me!"

Men Do Cry, But Only When Assembling Furniture.

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I Wonder If Other Dogs Think Poodles Are Members Of A Weird Religious Cult.

I Never Panic When I Get Lost. I Just Change Where It Is I Want To Go.

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Most Of The Men Sitting In First Class On An Airplane Have Really Boring Jobs.

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