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I Was Going With Someone For A Few Years, But We Broke Up. It Was One Of Those Things. He Wanted To Get Married, And I Didn't Want Him To.

-Rita Rudner

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I Was Going With

Rita Rudner

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I Was Going With Someone For A Few Years, But We Broke Up. It Was One Of Those Things. He Wanted To Get Married, And I Didn't Want Him To.

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I Was Going With Someone For A Few Years, But We Broke Up. It Was One Of Those Things. He Wanted To Get Married, And I Didn't Want Him To.

Men Don't Mature. Marry A Younger One.

I Had The Most Boring Office Job In The World...i Used To Clean The Windows On Envelopes.

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Men Like Cars, Women Like Clothes. Women Only Like Cars Because They Take Them To Clothes.

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I Rationalize Shop. I Buy A Dress Because I Need Change For Gum.

I Got Kicked Out Of Ballet Class Because I Pulled A Groin Muscle. It Wasn't Mine.

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If I Say A Joke And The Audience Laughs It Makes Me Feel Good.

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I Burned Sixty Calories. That Should Take Care Of A Peanut I Had In 1962.

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I Love To Write Jokes And That's All I Think About.

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I Hate Learning Through Experience. Just Once I'd Like To Learn Something Because Someone Was Nice Enough To Tell Me In Advance.

I Read Recipes The Same Way I Read Science Fiction. I Get To The End And Say To Myself "well, That's Not Going To Happen

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I Never Panic When I Get Lost. I Just Change Where It Is I Want To Go.

Impulse Buying Is Not Macho. Men Rarely Call The Home Shopping Network.

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In Hollywood A Marriage Is A Success If It Outlasts Milk.

Marriages Don't Last. When I Meet A Guy, The First Question I Ask Myself Is: Is This The Man I Want My Children To Spend Their Weekends With?

I Want To Have Children, But My Friends Scare Me. One Of My Friends Told Me She Was In Labor For 36 Hours. I Don't Even Want To Do Anything That Feels Good For 36 Hours.

A Good Place To Meet A Man Is At The Dry Cleaner. These Men Usually Have Jobs And Bathe.

Most Turkeys Taste Better The Day After; My Mother's Tasted Better The Day Before.

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Men Do Not Like To Admit To Even Momentary Imperfection. My Husband Forgot The Code To Turn Off The Alarm. When The Police Came, He Wouldn't Admit He'd Forgotten The Code... He Turned Himself In.

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My Mother Is Such A Lousy Cook That Thanksgiving At Her House Is A Time Of Sorrow.

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If You Like Easygoing, Monogamous Men, Stay Away From Billionaires.

Oh, My God. I've Just Told You How Old I Am. Nobody Knows How Old I Am. I'm Going To Have To Kill You Now.

I Knew So Little About Money I Used To Sign My Check, "love, Rita."

If A Man Prepares Dinner For You And The Salad Contains Three Or More Types Of Lettuce, He Is Serious.

Some People Think Having Large Breasts Makes A Woman Stupid. Actually, It's Quite The Opposite: A Woman Having Large Breasts Makes Men Stupid.

A Man Will Go To War, Fight And Die For His Country. But He Won't Get A Bikini Wax.

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Men Hate To Lose. I Once Beat My Husband At Tennis. I Asked Him, "are We Going To Have Sex Again?" He Said, "yes, But Not With Each Other."

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Men Who Drink Herbal Teas Are Seldom Serial Killers.

Why Are Women Wearing Perfumes That Smell Like Flowers To Attract Men? Men Don't Like Flowers. I Have A Great Idea For A Scent That Will Attract Men - How About "new Car Interior"?

I Jogged For Three Miles Once. It Was The Worst Three Hours Of My Life.

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I'm Not Sure If My Husband Is Going To Be There When I Actually Have The Baby. He Said The Only Way He's Going To Be In The Room When There's A Delivery Is If There's A Pizza Involved.

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I Don't Want To Push The Envelope. Let The Envelope Stay In The Middle Of The Table. I'll Just Make You Laugh.

Men Who Write Love Letters Don't Live In This Century.

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