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It's Earth Day Today. Let Me Tell You Something About Polar Bears. They're Endangered But You Have To Be Careful Because A Polar Bear Is One Of The Few Animals That Will Stalk A Human. If You Go To Where Polar Bears Live, It Might Stalk You And When You're On The Plane Going Home, It Might Be Behind You Reading.

-Craig Ferguson

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It's Earth Day Today.

Craig Ferguson

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It's Earth Day Today. Let Me Tell You Something About Polar Bears. They're Endangered But You Have To Be Careful Because A Polar Bear Is One Of The Few Animals That Will Stalk A Human. If You Go To Where Polar Bears Live, It Might Stalk You And When You're On The Plane Going Home, It Might Be Behind You Reading.

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More From Craig Ferguson

Evil Does Not Question Itself. Only Hope Questions Itself.

My Father Had A Very Unusual Psychic Ability, He Could Detect Water. It's Called Divining. He Would Use A Y-shaped U-branch, And He Could Find Water With That, Which Is A Very Impressive Skill In A Country Where It Rains 365 Days Of The Year.

I Enjoy Bathing, As Many Europeans Don't.

I Said That The Only Way I Could Have A Band That Would Work In The Format Of My Show Is If The Band Were Crap. So If I Have A Band They'd Have To Really Suck.

I Am Probably A Pseudo-intellectual.

Pseudo Intellectuals

Climate Change Is A Serious Problem. We All Need To Do What We Can. Unless That Means I've Got To Change Stuff. Then I'm Not Doing It.

Tomorrow's Just Your Future Yesterday.

The Problem With Suicide Is That It Seems So Flamboyant. It's Camp. You Have To Be A Bit Of A Drama Queen To Ever Seriously Consider It.

Al Qaeda Has Declared War On The Somali Pirates. That Is Awesome! Evil Against Evil. Like Alien Versus Predator Or Cheney Versus His Lawyer.

I Always Appreciated My Teachers. When I Was 16, I Gave Them The Greatest Gift I Could Think Of. I Dropped Out Of School.

Donald Trump Showed His Birth Certificate To Reporters. Who Cares About His Birth Certificate? I Want To Know If That Thing On His Head Has Had Its Vaccinations.

Saudia Arabia Takes In Half A Trillion Dollars Every Year In Oil Revenue, And The Country Has A Population Smaller Than New York State, But When Your System Of Government Is An Eleventh Century Monarchy, Someone's Going To End Up Poor, And It's Not Gonna Be The Guy Whose First Name Is King.

Andy Warhol Said That In The Future Everyone Will Be Famous For 15 Minutes. Facebook Is Exactly Like That Except You're Not Really Famous And Your 15 Minutes Goes On Forever.

Former President George W. Bush Released His New Memoir. By The Way, 'memoir' Is Just A Fancy Word For 'a Bunch Of Stuff That Happened To Me.

I Can't Wait To See The Debate Between Ryan And Joe Biden. Biden Is Said To Be Already Trying Out Different Strategies. So Far The One That Obama Likes Is Where Biden Pretends To Have Food Poisoning And They Cancel The Debate.

Everything I Think Of Now Is Too Rude To Actually Say.

You Gotta Laugh Because If You Didn't You'd Cry

Change Is The Law Of God's Mind And Resistance To It Is The Source Of All Pain.

It's A Great Day For America, Everybody! It's Monday, Woo.

My Son's Always Showing Me Pictures Of Dinosaurs And Asking Me What Their Names Are. I Dont Know So I Make Stuff Up: That Son Is A Thesaurus.

The World Can Be Such A Fright, But It Belongs To Us Tonight.

The First Day Of Spring Is Known As The Vernal Equinox. The Equinox Is Special. It Only Happens Twice A Year, Like A Good Night In Ratings For Nbc.

It Never Occurred To Them That God May Have Provided The World With A Vast Array Of Very Brainy Medical Types For The Very Reason Of Solving Problems Such As Theirs. However, There Is One Thing That The Medical Profession Cannot Do And That Is Save People From Being Idiots.

I Always Wanted To Make Motion Pictures, Ever Since I Was A Wee Boy, And I Was 32, And Time Was Marching On. I Met A Guy Who Said, 'come Out To Hollywood For 10 Days, And I'll Get You A Deal.' So I Figured, 'ok, 10 Days.' On The 10th Day, He Got Me A Development Deal With Disney, Not For A Lot Of Money, But It Allowed Me To Make The Move.

If I Have A Near-beer, I’m Near Beer. And If I’m Near Beer, I’m Close To Tequila. And If I’m Close To Tequila, I’m Adjacent To Cocaine.

I Hated The Summer Jobs I Had When I Was A Teenager. They Were So Mundane And Repetitious, They Deadened My Soul. On The Bright Side, It Was Good Training For This Job.

Stand By Your Bed And Salute Me.

You Know, Where I Come From, An Antique, To Be Called An Antique, It Has To Be At Least A Hundred Years Old. That's A Law: Before You Can Call Something An Antique, It Has To Be A Hundred Years Old. In L.a., Something That's Been Around For A Couple Of Weeks Is An Antique. It's True! People Are Like, Look At This Old-fashioned Ipod. Look At This! It's The Size Of A Man's Hand! Ha Ha Ha Ha. Back Then-back Then, People Thought Mel Gibson Was Just Acting Crazy. It Was A Very Different Time.

The Queen Banishes Snow White Because Of Her Beauty. But The Dwarves Help Snow White Because They're Smitten By That Very Beauty. It Teaches Kids An Important Lesson: Nothing Matters Except For Your Looks.

The U.s. Senate Is Considering A Bill That Would Tax Botox. When Botox Users Heard This, They Were Horrified. Well, I Think They Were Horrified. It's Difficult To Tell.

I Have A Beard. Just Not On My Face.

If The Fed Ceases Hiking, Against The Backdrop Of Still Rising Commodity Prices, Then The Australian Dollar Will Have Few Reasons For Resisting Any Topside Advances.

Commodity Prices

I Hope What I Do Has An Art To It, And As An Artist You Have To Try New Things And Keep Yourself Entertained.

Friday's Turmoil In Global Markets Looks Set To Continue To Exert A Dominant Force On The Foreign Exchange Markets. The Usual Trend When U.s. Stocks Fall Is That The U.s. Dollar Suffers.

There Is A New Bill In The Senate That Is Upsetting A Lot Of People. This Bill Would Give The President The Power To Shut Off The Internet. Al Gore Is Strongly Opposed To It. Not Because He Invented The Internet. Because He Did. But Because He Just Signed Up For Match.com.

I Didn't Say No Because Between Safety And Adventure I Choose Adventure.

I Don’t Think There’s Anything Wrong With Telling The Truth. I Know It Isn’t Fashionable.

Italian Women Are Some Of The Most Beautiful In The World. This Is Why The Vatican Is In Italy. If A Man Can Walk Across Italy And Retain His Celibacy, He's Got What It Takes To Be A Priest - Or An Interior Decorator.

We Do Have A Big Kind Of History In Literate Tradition Of Vikings And We Have A Lot Of Viking Blood In Scotland, I Mean Especially Up North Wherever You Go You See A Plastic Viking Sitting Outside A Shop And Viking Calendars And - Because They - You Know They Came Down And Stole All Our Chicks And Then Some Of Them Didn't Quite Get Back And Ended Up Settling Down Here. So There's A Lot Of Viking Blood In Scotland.

With Good Parody, You Have To Be Smarter That The People You’re Parodying.

I Didn't Flee A Dictator Or Swim An Ocean To Be An American Like Some Do. I Just Thought Long And Hard About It.

I Used To Love Going Fishing. I Think It Was Really About The Clothes. Nothing Says Real Man Like A Vest With 38 Pockets And A Mesh Hat With Hooks In It.

People Spend Thousands Of Dollars Trying To Keep Their Teeth Straight. I Just Hope We Can Live In A World Where We Accept Gay Teeth.

He Will Know From And Early Age That Failure Is Not Disgrace. It's Just A Pitch That You Missed, And You'd Better Get Ready For The Next One. The Next One Might Be The Shot Heard Round The World. My Son And I Are Americans, We Prepare For Glory By Failing Until We Don't.

You Know, I Think There's A Good Rule Of Thumb Here: Don't Take Nutritional Advice From Other Species.

For My Birthday That Year Anne Gave Me An Inflatable Atlas Globe, Along With A Birthday Card In Which She Wrote: I Give You The World. Have Fun Blowing It Up.

Hd Doesn't Mean Anything To Me. It's A Technical Thing. It's Like Demographics. A Lot Of People Know About It.

President Obama Said That We Rely Too Much On Gadgets. He Gave A Passionate Speech About Technology, But He Had To Stop When The Teleprompter Broke.

Sometimes, In Order To Follow One's Heart, One Must Do The Wrong Thing. Now, I'm Not Absolving Anyone Of Their Actions; You Have To Be Responsible For Your Actions, Sick Or Well, You Have To Be, You Just Have To Be. All Of Us Are Accountable.

Larry King Has Been Married More Times Than Henry The Eighth. We Used To Have That Rhyme To Keep Track Of Them. 'divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced, Beheaded, Survived.' With Larry I Think It Goes, 'divorced, Beheaded, Divorced, Escaped. Zombie, Lesbian, Disappeared, Inflatable.

I Realize That I Am Not A Journalist. So Anything I Say Is Not Important.

A Lot Of People Come To L.a. Looking For Something. What I Came Here For, I Realize Now, Is To Be Okay With Myself.

It May Be That The Fear Contains Information. Something Can Be Interesting If You Get To The Other Side Of That Fear.

I Like Football. I Find Its An Exciting Strategic Game. Its A Great Way To Avoid Conversation With Your Family At Thanksgiving.

You Know Who Sang At Rush Limbaugh's Wedding? Elton John! According To Rush, Gay People Can Sing At Weddings. Just Not Their Own.

Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving. All The Food's In The Oven. And I'm In The Bedroom Performin' Self Lovin'.

It's A Book. It's Mine. And It's Done.

114 Isn't As Old As It Used To Be They Say Its The New 104.

He Was In Awe Of The Thirst That People Had For Someone To Tell Them That Everything Was Going To Be All Right. He Marveled At The Gullibility And Vulnerability Of His Fellow Humans. No Wonder The Churches Called Them Sheep. They Were Woolly-headed Pack Animals Being Herded Around For The Benefit Of Whoever Knew How To Control The Dogs.

For Example, In Paris, If One Desires To Buy Something, You Enter The Store And Say "good Morning, Sir" Or "madam," Depending On What Is Appropriate, You Wait Until You Are Greeted, You Make Polite Chitchat About The Weather Or Some Such, And When The Salesperson Asks What They Can Do For You, Then And Only Then Do You Bring Up The Vulgar Business Of The Transaction You Require.

The Bible Has Been Through At Least Half A Dozen Translations By The Time You Read It. Plus, When The Word Of God Is Infected By The Hand Of Man, That Is, Written Down, It Is Tainted.

Halloween's Eve Is Also Known As Mischief Night. Kids Are Supposed Go Around Playing Pranks Tonight. That's Great, Just What Teenagers Need -- Another Excuse To Be Jerks.

Harry Potter, He Sends A Message On Owl Mail While Us Poor Old Muggles Have To Make Do With Instantaneous Emails And Texting. Oh, If Only We Could Be Like You Harry Potter, With Your Four Day Owl Delivery!

When I Stopped Drinking, It Was Only Because I Thought If I Don't Stop, I'm Going To Die.

I Proved To My Own Satisfaction That I Am Madder Than I Think.

A Junkie Will Steal Your Purse, And Then Help You Look For It.

I've Got Mixed Feelings About Poetry Cause Done Well Poetry Is Fantastic. But Not Many People Are Capable Of Doing It Well. I Think You Should Have Some Kind Of License To Perform Poetry. A Poetic License Perhaps.

I'm Not Aware Of Having A Creepy Laugh, But Apparently I Do.

Justin Bieber's Tour Bus Was Stopped By Canadian Border Patrol Agents. And They Found Marijuana. The Agents Said Bieber Was A Disgrace To Canada And Should Never Come Back. Then They Found The Marijuana.

Alcohol Ruined Me Financially And Morally, Broke My Heart And The Hearts Of Too Many Others. Even Though It Did This To Me And It Almost Killed Me And I Haven't Touched A Drop Of It In Seventeen Years, Sometimes I Wonder If I Could Get Away With Drinking Some Now. I Totally Subscribe To The Notion That Alcoholism Is A Mental Illness Because Thinking Like That Is Clearly Insane.

I Do A Show. It Comes On Late At Night On Tv. And If That Means I'm A Late-night Talk Show Host, Then I Guess I Am, But In Every Other Regard I Resign My Commission, I Don't Care For It.

If It Doesn't Work, At Least It Will Be An Interesting Train Wreck.

When I Went Out On Tour As Bing Hitler I Would Hook Up With Lenny And We'd Get Drunk Together. He Was Always Very Supportive. He Was A Big Star And A Lot Of What He Said To Me Had Power And Impact. Apart From That, I Just Like Him.

Every Year There's A Jury At The Cannes Film Festival. Getting On The Jury Is Very Competitive In France. Not Because The French Love Cinema, But Because They Love To Judge.

Cannes Film Festival

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde Is A Metaphor For Alcoholism. He Drinks A Potion, Becomes A Monster. I Know Exactly How He Feels.

I Remember Talking To Someone Early On After I Was Sober About How I Suddenly Felt Awkward At Parties. They Said, 'well, You're Supposed To. Everyone Feels Awkward At Parties.' It's An Appropriate Feeling To Feel.

I Used To Believe, Like Many People Who Come From Poor Backgrounds, That It Gave Me An Edge, But I Think That's Just Something We Have To Tell Ourselves To Get By Sometimes. I Don't Believe That Anymore. Children Of Privilege Can Be Just As Talented And Clever As Anybody Else.

The 3-d Effects In "star Wars" Are So Realistic, You Can Actually See George Lucas Reaching From The Screen And Taking The Money From Your Wallet.

Clay Aiken Ran For Congress In North Carolina. But He Didn't Make It. Clay Aiken Is Famous For Coming In Second In A Tv Popularity Contest That Most People Got Fed Up With Years Ago. He Also Lost On 'american Idol.'

There Is A Scene In The Movie Where Astrid And Hiccup Fly On Toothless's Back Toward The Island Of Berk. The Animation Is Intensely Real, From The Waves On The Sea To Wisps Of Wind Blowing In The Characters' Hair. The Feeling I Get Watching That Scene Is Why I Fly - Just For That Feeling.

Jeb Bush Announced Today On The Internet That He May Run For President. The Next Presidential Election Could Be Bush Vs. Clinton. It Will Be Like 1992 All Over Again Except I Won't Be In Rehab.

Scotland Is A Much Lighter And More Fun Place Than I Thought It Was. I Was Miserable When I Was There. But It Wasn't Scotland's Fault. It Was My Circumstances. I Was - I Hate To Say The Word Humbled - But That's What It Felt Like. I Was Wrong About This Place. This Is A Great Place Full Of Very Fun People.

Bush's Memoir Is 512 Pages. To Be Fair, 200 Of Those Pages Are Just Games And Puzzles.

This Is My First Week As An American Citizen. It's Amazing. Now I Can Vote In The General Election - And For American Idol.

World War Z Is Out Today. The Big Zombie Movie. The Trailer Looks Scary. You See Hordes Of Bodies Climbing And Rolling Over Each Other. It's Like Black Friday At The Mall.

There's Just A Feeling You Get From Certain Things You Do In Life That Just Kind Of Feel Pure And Independent Of What's Actually, Physically, Going On.

Sometimes People Think You’re Smart If You Question The Status Quo, If Nothing Else.

Here In Los Angeles, School's Out For Summer. For Thousands Of School Kids, This Is The First Week Of Summer Vacation. And For Thousands Of Parents, It's The First Week Of Hell.

I Have That Hypocrisy Of A Parent In That I'm Like,'come On, You've Got To Toughen Up At The Same Time Let Me Take Care Of That For You.

A New Restaurant Here In Southern California Requires Women To Wear High Heels. I'm Outraged! This Is Sexist! Why Just The Women?

I Come From A Very Critical Culture. You Know The Scots. They're Always Saying: 'oh, No. It Will Never Work. You'll Never Amount To Anything. You've Got To Know Your Place In The World.

Mark Zuckerberg Was Named Time's Person Of The Year. I'm Sorry If You Don't Recognize The Name. A Magazine Is Something People Used To Read.

The Views Expressed By Me Are In No Way Endorsed By Cbs Any Of Its Allied Companies Or In Fact Me.

Osama Bin Laden's Death Has Been In The News All Day. Leftish Stations Are Going, 'president Obama Saves The World.' Stations On The Right Are Going, 'obama Kills Fellow Muslim.'

I'm Reading A Book, Because I'm Brainy. No, It Is A Book - If You Don't Know, It Is Like A Blog Except Bigger.

There Are Plans For A New High-speed Train Between Los Angeles And San Francisco. It Will Make The Trip Time 30 Minutes. People In L.a. Are Like, Yes! And People In San Francisco Are Like, Yeah, Sure, Great. We Look Forward To Seeing You.

The Whole Idea Of Re-releasing Old Movies Does Bother Me A Little Bit. If They're Going To Re-release An Old Movie, I Should Be Able To Get In With My Old Ticket.

People Are Saying That Anderson Cooper Could Be The New Oprah. And Then These People Are Struck By Lightning.

I Do A Public Access Show With Puppets. Puppets Called Actors, Tv And Movie Stars.

If A Man Doesn't Know How To Dance He Doesn't Know How To Make Love, There I Said It!

Democrats Are Calling Christine O'donnell 'the Sarah Palin Of The East.' Really? She's A Loud, Emotionally Unstable Woman From Delaware. That's Not Sarah Palin, That's Joe Biden.

At Cbs, I’m In Your House. I’m Mindful Of That. When I Do Standup, You’re In My Home And I Can Say What I Want To.

For Me, Comedy Should Have A Certain Amount Of Joy In It. It Should Be About Attacking The Powerful - The Politicians, The Trumps, The Blowhards - Going After Them. We Shouldn't Be Attacking The Vulnerable.

A Woman In Germany Gave Birth To A 13 1/2 Pound Baby. That Baby Was So Fat His First Word Was Strudel.

The Universe Is Very, Very Big. It Also Loves A Paradox. For Example, It Has Some Extremely Strict Rules. Rule Number One: Nothing Lasts Forever. Not You Or Your Family Or Your House Or Your Planet Or The Sun. It Is An Absolute Rule. Therefore When Someone Says That Their Love Will Never Die, It Means That Their Love Is Not Real, For Everything That Is Real Dies. Rule Number Two: Everything Lasts Forever.

When In Doubt About Who's To Blame. Blame The English.

A Lot Of The U.s. Used To Be Part Of Mexico, Including Arizona. But They're A Bit Touchy About That Right Now.

Ocean's 13 Is All About Cool People Having A Good Time, And Who Doesn't Want To See That? Well You, Apparantly, 'cause You're Watching Me.

Self Help Books Are Pointless. Here's Something For You... Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, And Self Help Books Are From Uranus.

These Days, Teachers Have It Rough. Kids Can Be Hyperactive, Disobedient, And Obnoxious. It Must Feel Like Being Locked In A Room Of Drunk Midgets.

Aphrodisiacs Come In Many Forms: Food, Drink, The Internet.

Everything Went Smoothly At The Sailing Events Today, Except For The British Team. They Forgot To Bring Limes And They All Got Scurvy.

London Olympics

All They Teach You In Drama School Is How To Do Stage Fights And Be A Pain In Rehearsals.

She Still Cared For Me, And The Best Way I Could Make Amends To Her Was To Be Happy. I Do Have A Knack For Finding Great Women.

I Don't Like My Politicians Entertaining Me And I Don't Like My Entertainers Politicianing Me.

This Story Is True. Of Course, There Are Many Lies Therein And Most Of It Did Not Happen, But It's All True. In That Sense It Is Deeply Religious, Perhaps Even Biblical.

Even A Chameleon Needs The Proper Amount Of Suction.

I Think I'm Just Someone That Just Tries To Get By. I'm Kind Of - If It Was During The Second World War, I'd Be A Black Marketeer, I Think.

Technically My Dog's Naked Most Of The Time. Except Halloween, When I Dress Him Up As Liza Minelli.

Bp Ceo Tony Hayward Said Recently, 'no One Wants This Thing Over More Than I Do. I'd Like My Life Back.' Tony, I'm So Sorry You Had Your Summer Disrupted. I'd Buy You A Drink, But You'd Probably Spill That Too And Make Me Clean It Up.

Late Night Is No Different Than Making A Film, Really, Except That It's Faster, And If You Do A Crap One, You Can Do A Better One Tomorrow. Writing A Novel And Doing Stand-up - That Stuff Is Very Similar.

If You're Frightened Of Leprechauns, The Best Thing To Do Is To Get Yourself A Little Leprechaun Outfit And See How Big They Are. And Then You'll Go, 'well I See. That's Like Bein' Frightened Of A Hampster.'

Anyone Who's Just Driven 90 Yards Against Huge Men Trying To Kill Them Has Earned The Right To Do Jazz Hands.

The Meeting With Prince William Took Place At The White House Because Prince William Wanted To See Where The President Spent His Days, But The Golf Course Was Covered In Snow.

The Nation Of Iran Is Threatening To Sue The Makers Of The Movie Argo. They Say The Movie Was An Unrealistic Portrayal Of Their Country. You Can't Do That! That Would Be Like Scotland Suing Over The Movie Shrek.

It 's The Time Of Year When Canadians Mate.

They've Found A Link Between Chemicals In Shampoo And Obesity. If You're Eating Shampoo, Your Weight Is The Least Of Your Concerns.

Every Day I Ran To That Book Like It Was A Bottle Of Whiskey And Crawled Inside Because It Was A World That I Had At Least Some Control Over, And Slowly, In Time, It Began To Take Shape.

It's Tricky Turning A Book Into A Movie. Sometimes People Love The Book So Much That No Adaptation Lives Up To What They Imagined. You Can Avoid That Disappointment By Never, Ever Reading Books.

Ratings Experts Say The Best Way To Get People To Watch During Sweeps Is To Leave The Audience With A Question That Won't Be Answered Until The Next Time The Show Is On. You Know, Like Who Shot J.r.? I Like To Think I Do This Every Night - The Question Is, Is This Show Still On?

It Takes A Long Time To Become A Lawyer Because You Need Three Things - A Bachelor's Degree, A Law Degree, And A Desire To Worship Satan.

It Turns Out That Speeding Irresponsibly In A Large Truck, Placing Personal Wealth Ahead Of The Welfare Of Others, Is One Of The Greatest Sins In The Universe.

The Universe Is Very, Very Big.

I'm Careful With Money.

Sarah Palin Has Managed To Use Her Failed Vice Presidential Run To Put Herself In A Position Of Power And Influence. Joe Biden Won The Race And He Hasn't Been Able To Put Himself In A Position Of Power And Influence.

Position Of Power

I Don't Think Wood Was Discovered In Britain Until The 1970's. That's When I Discovered It Anyway.

I Watched The Republican Debate. At One Point, The Candidates Said There Are No Classes In America, A Point Then Hotly Debated By All Six Rich White Guys That Were There.

I Came To America, And I Made Good. It's An Old Story, But It Hasn't Been Told In A Long Time. Usually, It's, 'i'm An Immigrant, I Came Here And Got Persecuted.' My Story Is I Came Here, I Worked Hard, And It Worked Out All Right. So It's Still Available.

Is It Really That Important? It's Just Television, For God's Sake. It's Not Medicine Or Something.

Other Than The Laws Of Physics, Rules Have Never Really Worked Out For Me.

Laws Of Physics

Canada Is Not The Party. Its The Apartment Above The Party.

If I Start Giving People What They Like I'll Turn Into One Of Them And I Don't Want To Be One Of Them I Want To Be One Of Me.

Be Careful Who You Choose As Your Hero Or Who You Choose To Deify, Be It Clay Aiken Or Barack Obama. You Put All You're Hope And All Your Dreams And All Your Ideas About Stuff Into One Human Being. They're A Human Being They're Going To Let You Down. You Can't Make Someone Your Hero Because Of Something You Read On The Internet. The Internet Is Not A Source Of Information It Is A Source Of Disinformation.

Look, There Is Nothing You Can Say About This Show That I Don't Already Know

I View My Own Body As A Petting Zoo. I Am The Main Attraction... And The Only Customer.

Love At First Sight Is Not Rare, In Fact It Is Extremely Common, It Happens To Some People A Few Times A Year. The Feeling Of What If When Meeting The Eyes Of A Stranger Can Be Love Unrecognized.

Being The Executive Producer Of A Film Is Not That Difficult. It Just Means That You Have Some Power. There's Not A Huge Amount Of Skill Involved, I Don't Know How Much I'm Giving Away Here. I Feel Like That Guy On Fox, Giving Away The Magicians' Tricks. It's Not Rocket Science, Being An Executive Producer Of A Film.

You Clap. The Censor Wakes Up. We All Get Into Trouble.

Its Easier To Feel A Little More Spiritual With A Couple Of Bucks In Your Pocket.

If You Know Anything About Me - And, If You Do, I'm Sorry That Your Life Turned Out Like That.

Today Monopoly Added A New Game Piece: The Cat. The New Piece Was Chosen After Weeks Of Online Voting. Is That A Surprise? Whenever There's A Vote For Something On The Internet, The Cat Always Wins.

Happy Cinco De Mayo. If You Don't Know What That Means, Maybe You're A Little Out Of Touch - Or Maybe You're The Governor Of Arizona.

Pseudoscience Describes Theories That Sound Like Science But Are Actually Just Made Up, Like Aromatherapy Or Biorhythms Or Love.

The Term Big Brother Is From George Orwell's Book 1984 - Where Everyone's Watched Over By A Network Of Cameras Called Big Brother. I've Never Understood Why Orwell Chose That Phrase For Somebody Watching You All The Time. Isn't That More Like Creepy Uncle?

I Would Prefer As A Viewer To Watch The Mistakes. I Am My Own Blooper Reel, As It Happens.

The Difference Between A Broadcaster And A Host Is That A Host Tells Stories And Dumb Jokes, But A Broadcaster Can Articulate Deeper Like, You Know - Things And Stuff.

I'm A Terrible Interviewer. I'm Not A Journalist - Although I Have A Peabody Award - And I'm Not Really A Late-night Host. What I Am Is Honest.

You Know Who They're Blaming For Global Warming Now? This Is True. Fat People.

I Felt That, As Time Went On, An Audience Gets To Know You And In A Weird Way, You Kind Of Feel Like You Get To Know The Audience A Little Bit. When I'm Doing Stand-up Gigs Now, I Feel Like I'm Doing Gigs In Front Of People I Know. I Think That's The Result Of Doing Late-night Shows For So Long.

I Don't Know Why Some People Get Worked Up About Gay People Marrying. It's Not Gay People Who Are Ruining The Sanctity Of Marriage, It's Celebrities.

Sanctity Of Marriage

Even Though It's Warm Here In L.a., People Still Have To Wear Layers - At Least Until Their Plastic Surgery Heals.

There's Something I Believe Wholeheartedly: Cynicism Is The True Refuge Of The Pseudo-intellectual, .. Cynicism Is Easy. Joy Is An Extremely Advanced Spiritual And Intellectual Tenet.

I Don't Drink Anymore For Cinco De Mayo. I Celebrate With Mexican Food, Or As It's Known In Mexico: 'food.'

So Far Rich People Have Been Very Quiet About The Possibility Of Getting Taxes Raised On Them, But That Doesn't Mean They Won't Get Mad About It, It Just Means They Don't Know About It. Because It Takes A While For Bad News To Reach A Rich Person. First Their Accountant Has To Tell The Butler, Who Has To Tell The Servant, Who Wouldn't Dare Interrupt Their Game Of Croquet.

I Salute Rick Perry For The Way He's Trying To Overcome This. Today He Came Out And Said He's Not One Of Those Slick Politicians, That This Just Shows His Human Side, And Some Third Excuse He Can't Remember.

The Truth Is, You Win The Lotto. That's Really How You Have To Approach It. You're A Lottery Winner When You Get A Sitcom And It Goes.

It Is A Great Day For The Great State Of Texas. The Last Person Being Tested For Ebola Has Come Back Clean. So Texas Is Now Ebola Free. This Was A Big Week For Them. They're Now Free Of Ebola - And Democrats.

I Think Comedy As An Art Involves The Audience As A Participant As Much As Is Involves The Artist.

Allowances Can Always Be Made For Your Friends To Disagree With You. Disagreement, Vehement Disagreement, Is Healthy. Debate Is Impossible Without It. Evil Does Not Question Itself, Only Hope Questions Itself. Even The Incorruptible Are Corruptible If They Cannot Accept The Possibility Of Being Mistaken. Infallibility Is A Sin In Any Man. All Laws Can Be Broken And Are. Often. Like When A Bumblebee Flies Or An Ancient Regime Is Toppled.

Wait! Don't Applaud My Cheapness! I've Got Other Crap I Need Help With!

In Some Countries Women's Day Is A National Holiday And Men Give Women Flowers. In America Women's Day Falls On Another Holiday, Mardi Gras, Where Men Give Women Beads In The Respectful And Post-feminist Desire To See Their Naked Boobies.

I Had Lived In Fear Of The Fabled Terrifying Visions That Assail Chronic Drinkers, But Which Had Not Yet Attacked Me.

Confession Is A Sacred Rite Enhanced By Allegory, Exaggeration, And Lies.

A Lot Of People In Their 30's Get Nostalgic For Their Teen Years. Then They Get Jobs In Tv, Become Bitter And Jaded And Prematurely Old. Then They Turn Their Nostalgia Into Great Television.

A Casino In South Dakota Was Robbed By A Man Dressed As A Mummy. The Police Described The Suspect As Anywhere Between 25 And 8,000 Years Old.

It's Very Interesting To Know What People Are Doing While You're Working On Late-night Television.

In Washington, The U.s. House Passed A Bill Unanimously. Every Single Member Of Both Parties Voted For It. What Was It? To Deny Social Security Benefits To Nazis. So From Now On, No Ss For The Ss.

I'm Crazy. I Know I'm Crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu Told Me, And He's Very Clever. He Said, 'you Must Free Yourself, Be More Of Who You Are. Be More Crazy.' And I'm Going To.

From This Moment On I'd Dedicate My Life To Rock And Roll And Take As Many Drugs As Possible. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Now That Healthcare Is Guaranteed, I'm Frying Everything I Eat. Fried Food And Cigarettes.

Former President Bill Clinton Was Elected On This Very Day In 1992. Clinton Went On To Leave Quite A Mark In The Oval Office... You Mean The One On The Sofa?

Fraser's Mother, Janice, Was Actually Quite A Happy Soul But She Had To Hide It Because, Like All Pseudo Intellectuals, She Thought Being Cheery Made Her Look Stupid, Which Of Course She Was For Believing That Rubbish In The First Place. She Like To Talk About Sartre Sometimes, Just As Insurance.

The Worst Gift I Was Given Is When I Got Out Of Rehab That Christmas; A Bottle Of Wine. It Was Delicious.

Here At Cbs, Spring Also Means March Madness. I Love The Name March Madness. I'm Glad The Pc Police Haven't Made Us Change March Madness To Early Spring Psychosis.

Last Night On The Show I Had Olympics Fever. Unfortunately, It's Getting Worse. That's Not Good. I Have To Call My Doctor If My Torch Burns For More Than Four Hours.

After All This Time I Found That The Novel Is In Fact Punk Rock.

Acid Gave Me A Clinical, Unblinking Look At Madness, And I Discovered I Wasn't Brave Enough To Be Insane.

I'm Gonna Enjoy Being Old I Think I'll Be Awesome At It.

Occasionally, When I Lived In London, I Would Have Sex With A Girl From An Aristocratic Family. I Always Enjoyed Doing To Them What Their Ancestors Did To My Country.

The 'star Wars' Movie Is Coming Out. Disney Has Kept The Details Of The Movie Under Wraps Because They're Not Sony.

People Talk To Old People Like They're Children.'oh You're Very Old Aren't You?' Yeah I'm Old. I'm Not Stupid.

I Don't Know How Much Of A Natural Human I Am. Y'know, The Truth Is, I Never Set Out To Do That, And I Don't Think Of Myself Like That. I Don't Think Like That. It's Not Really About Promotion - I Don't Really Understand The Idea Of Promotion, Talking To A Camera For More Money. That's Just Money. And I Like Money, Don't Get Me Wrong. I Don't Know. I Don't Get It. I Don't Understand It As Much As You Don't Understand Me, I Think.

I'm A Vulgar Lounge Entertainer, I Don't Need To Wear A Tie.

My Pilot's License. I'm Proud Of That.

Old People Really Do Have A Secret Though. You Wanna Know What It Is? Luck.

People Sometimes Say To Me: "craig, Get Out Of My Garden."

A Number Of U.s. Colleges Are Going To Start Having Dorms For Alcoholics. I Believe Those Are Called Dorms.

The New Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Is Now Pope Francis The 1st. Francis Was Not His First Choice For A Name. But The Vatican Wisely Talked Him Out Of Pope Boo Boo.

School Did Give Me One Of The Greatest Gifts Of My Life, Though. I Learned How To Read, And For That I Remain Thankful. I Would Have Died Otherwise. As Soon As I Was Able, I Read, Alone. Under The Covers With A Flashlight Or In My Corner Of The Attic—i Sought Solace In Books. It Was From Books That I Started To Get An Inkling Of The Kinds Of Assholes I Was Dealing With. I Found Allies Too, In Books, Characters My Age Who Were Going Through Or Had Triumphed Against The Same Bullshit.

I Don't Get Emails From My Corporate Overlords.

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