Background Image

...

Scotland Is A Much Lighter And More Fun Place Than I Thought It Was. I Was Miserable When I Was There. But It Wasn't Scotland's Fault. It Was My Circumstances. I Was - I Hate To Say The Word Humbled - But That's What It Felt Like. I Was Wrong About This Place. This Is A Great Place Full Of Very Fun People.

-Craig Ferguson

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Scotland Is A Much

Craig Ferguson

...

Scotland Is A Much Lighter And More Fun Place Than I Thought It Was. I Was Miserable When I Was There. But It Wasn't Scotland's Fault. It Was My Circumstances. I Was - I Hate To Say The Word Humbled - But That's What It Felt Like. I Was Wrong About This Place. This Is A Great Place Full Of Very Fun People.

Views: 8

Topic

More From Craig Ferguson

I Don’t Think There’s Anything Wrong With Telling The Truth. I Know It Isn’t Fashionable.

From This Moment On I'd Dedicate My Life To Rock And Roll And Take As Many Drugs As Possible. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

The Virus In The Movie 'contagion' Is Based On The Bird Flu Which Came Out Of Nowhere Back In 2008. Everyone Thought It Was Going To Change The Way We Live And It Just Faded Away. Wait A Minute, I'm Talking About President Obama.

In Washington, The U.s. House Passed A Bill Unanimously. Every Single Member Of Both Parties Voted For It. What Was It? To Deny Social Security Benefits To Nazis. So From Now On, No Ss For The Ss.

Pies Were Invented 12,000 Years Ago By The Egyptians. It Was An Easy Way To Preserve Food That Would Be Carried Over Long Distances. They Were Like Ancient Slim Jims.

Sometimes They Would Just Pay Me To Stay Home And Not Do Anything Else, Which Sounds Fantastic But Doesn't Do Much For Your Ego. Its Probably A Little Like Getting Alimony - The Money Is Nice But Has A Nasty Aftertaste.

Every Day I Ran To That Book Like It Was A Bottle Of Whiskey And Crawled Inside Because It Was A World That I Had At Least Some Control Over, And Slowly, In Time, It Began To Take Shape.

When I Went Out On Tour As Bing Hitler I Would Hook Up With Lenny And We'd Get Drunk Together. He Was Always Very Supportive. He Was A Big Star And A Lot Of What He Said To Me Had Power And Impact. Apart From That, I Just Like Him.

Sometimes My Pathology Just Spills Out Into The Camera Doesn't It?

Why Don't They Allow Professional Wrestling At The Olympics? They Allow Pro Basketball Players And Hockey Players. Olympic Pro Wrestling Would Be Awesome. The Team From Mexico Could Wear Those Mr. X Masks. The French Wrestler Could Hit His Opponent With A Baguette. Or Perhaps Just Surrender.

I Found The Prospect Daunting, But Somehow Comforting, Too, Because The Counselors Insisted It Could Be Done, And, After All, Many Of Them Were Recovering Alcoholics Themselves.

The World Can Be Such A Fright, But It Belongs To Us Tonight.

Stoners Just Got A Powerful New Ally In The Fight To Legalize Marijuana - Conservative Broadcaster Pat Robertson. He Said It's Time To 'you Know, Legalize It, Tax It, And Keep It Away From Mel Gibson.'

That's The Thing About Terrorism - It Works. Especially For The Terrorists - They Might Not Get What They Want But It Feels Damn Good Trying.

Laughter Separates Us From Despair And Gives Us A Chance At Love.

This Book Could Scare Them. The Sex, The Violence, The Dream Sequences And The Iconoclasm - I Think A Lot Of People Are Uncomfortable With That. I Understand That. It Was Very Uncomfortable To Write Some Of It

...slow Down And Self-edit And Ask Yourself The Three Things You Must Always Ask Yourself Before You Say Anything: "does This Need To Be Said?" "does This Need To Be Said By Me?" "does This Need To Be Said By Me Now?"

I Remember Talking To Someone Early On After I Was Sober About How I Suddenly Felt Awkward At Parties. They Said, 'well, You're Supposed To. Everyone Feels Awkward At Parties.' It's An Appropriate Feeling To Feel.

The U.s. Senate Is Considering A Bill That Would Tax Botox. When Botox Users Heard This, They Were Horrified. Well, I Think They Were Horrified. It's Difficult To Tell.

I Said That The Only Way I Could Have A Band That Would Work In The Format Of My Show Is If The Band Were Crap. So If I Have A Band They'd Have To Really Suck.

Apple Released The Upgraded Version Of The Iphone 4, Called The Iphone 4s. I Think The S Stands For Suckers.

Even A Chameleon Needs The Proper Amount Of Suction.

I Know The Fashion Is That Everything Is Fair Game [for Comedy Material] But I Don't Believe That.

Sometimes, In Order To Follow One's Heart, One Must Do The Wrong Thing. Now, I'm Not Absolving Anyone Of Their Actions; You Have To Be Responsible For Your Actions, Sick Or Well, You Have To Be, You Just Have To Be. All Of Us Are Accountable.

Wikipedia Celebrates Its 12th Birthday Today. Of Course, I Have No Idea If It's True. I Read It On Wikipedia.

People Sometimes Say To Me: "craig, Get Out Of My Garden."

It's Fantastic That Congress Has An Increasing Number Of Women. Experts Call An Increasingly Female Presence In A Previously Male Space 'the Bruce Jenner Effect.'

114 Isn't As Old As It Used To Be They Say Its The New 104.

A Lot Of People Come To L.a. Looking For Something. What I Came Here For, I Realize Now, Is To Be Okay With Myself.

Ocean's 13 Is All About Cool People Having A Good Time, And Who Doesn't Want To See That? Well You, Apparantly, 'cause You're Watching Me.

In Some Countries Women's Day Is A National Holiday And Men Give Women Flowers. In America Women's Day Falls On Another Holiday, Mardi Gras, Where Men Give Women Beads In The Respectful And Post-feminist Desire To See Their Naked Boobies.

For A While, Some Schools Across The Country Were Banning Spelling Bees. For Obvious Reasons, Of Course - Steroids

You Know, Where I Come From, An Antique, To Be Called An Antique, It Has To Be At Least A Hundred Years Old. That's A Law: Before You Can Call Something An Antique, It Has To Be A Hundred Years Old. In L.a., Something That's Been Around For A Couple Of Weeks Is An Antique. It's True! People Are Like, Look At This Old-fashioned Ipod. Look At This! It's The Size Of A Man's Hand! Ha Ha Ha Ha. Back Then-back Then, People Thought Mel Gibson Was Just Acting Crazy. It Was A Very Different Time.

Cbs Announced They're Canceling As The World Turns. Don't Worry Though, If You're Addicted To The Twisted Plots, The Intrigue, The Illicit Sex, You Can Still Watch Golf.

I Used To Psych Myself Up Before The Show And Now I Do The Complete Opposite: I Psych Myself Down. It's 12:30 At Night, You Don't Want Some Guy Yelling At You. You Want Some Guy Just Talking To You.

With Good Parody, You Have To Be Smarter That The People You’re Parodying.

Being Funny Is A Gift, And, When Done Well, Is An Art Form.

If We Are Now Holding Late-night Talk-show Hosts To The Same Moral Accountability As We Hold Politicians Or Clergymen, I'm Out. I'm Gone.

I've Got Young Kids, So It Suits Me To Do A Job Which Keeps Me In Town Right Now.

I Salute Rick Perry For The Way He's Trying To Overcome This. Today He Came Out And Said He's Not One Of Those Slick Politicians, That This Just Shows His Human Side, And Some Third Excuse He Can't Remember.

It's A Great Day For America, Everybody! It's Monday, Woo.

Stand By Your Bed And Salute Me.

The Afghan Government Is As Corrupt As A Prostitute With A Law Degree.

Here At Cbs, Spring Also Means March Madness. I Love The Name March Madness. I'm Glad The Pc Police Haven't Made Us Change March Madness To Early Spring Psychosis.

I Don't See My Show As A Stepping Stone To Something Else Like Some People, Who Get A Job Then Have A Foot Out The Door Looking For Their Next Job.

My Son's Always Showing Me Pictures Of Dinosaurs And Asking Me What Their Names Are. I Dont Know So I Make Stuff Up: That Son Is A Thesaurus.

The First Ads For Medical Marijuana Have Started Airing On Television In California. The Ads Are Quite Expensive. It Costs A Lot Of Money To Buy 30 Seconds During 'spongebob Squarepants.'

New Ipod. It Looks Like An Iphone But It Can't Make Phone Calls. So Its Really Just An Iphone.

Former President Bill Clinton Was Elected On This Very Day In 1992. Clinton Went On To Leave Quite A Mark In The Oval Office... You Mean The One On The Sofa?

Change Is The Law Of God's Mind And Resistance To It Is The Source Of All Pain.

Every Year There's A Jury At The Cannes Film Festival. Getting On The Jury Is Very Competitive In France. Not Because The French Love Cinema, But Because They Love To Judge.

Cannes Film Festival

Thanks Cows. I Appreciate Your Tastiness.

If It Doesn't Work, At Least It Will Be An Interesting Train Wreck.

Now, I Know Obama Was Trying To Take The Long View, But Talking About Solar Energy In The Middle Of The Oil Spill Is Like Watching Your House Engulfed In Flames And Saying, 'we Really Should Change The Curtains.'

For My Birthday That Year Anne Gave Me An Inflatable Atlas Globe, Along With A Birthday Card In Which She Wrote: I Give You The World. Have Fun Blowing It Up.

I've Been Running My Whole Life. Running Into Bars, Running Around The World. But When You Have A Child, You Can't Run. That Was A Revelation.

I Only Like Sports That Bond Villains Played.

A Friend Of Mine That I Was In A Band With Started Me On Kafka, Which In Turn Led To Camus And Sartre.

I'm Crazy. I Know I'm Crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu Told Me, And He's Very Clever. He Said, 'you Must Free Yourself, Be More Of Who You Are. Be More Crazy.' And I'm Going To.

I Have A Deep And Profound Mistrust Of All Politicians.

The 3-d Effects In "star Wars" Are So Realistic, You Can Actually See George Lucas Reaching From The Screen And Taking The Money From Your Wallet.

Every Year Law Schools Churn Out Thousands Of Lawyers. We Don't Need Any More Lawyers. We Need More Lawyers Like We Need More Talk-show Hosts.

For Example, In Paris, If One Desires To Buy Something, You Enter The Store And Say "good Morning, Sir" Or "madam," Depending On What Is Appropriate, You Wait Until You Are Greeted, You Make Polite Chitchat About The Weather Or Some Such, And When The Salesperson Asks What They Can Do For You, Then And Only Then Do You Bring Up The Vulgar Business Of The Transaction You Require.

Divorce Lawyers Stoke Anger And Fear In Their Clients, Knowing That As Long As The Conflicts Remain Unresolved The Revenue Stream Will Keep Flowing.

Everything Went Smoothly At The Sailing Events Today, Except For The British Team. They Forgot To Bring Limes And They All Got Scurvy.

London Olympics

Thank Heaven Election Day Is Over. No More Campaign Ads, No More Mud-slinging, No More Candidates Pretending They're Straight. It's Over!

The Difference Between A Broadcaster And A Host Is That A Host Tells Stories And Dumb Jokes, But A Broadcaster Can Articulate Deeper Like, You Know - Things And Stuff.

I Can't Wait To See The Debate Between Ryan And Joe Biden. Biden Is Said To Be Already Trying Out Different Strategies. So Far The One That Obama Likes Is Where Biden Pretends To Have Food Poisoning And They Cancel The Debate.

When You Need To Borrow Money The Mob Seems Like A Better Deal I Think. 'you Don't Pay Me Back I Break Both Yer Legs.' Is That All? You Won't Take My House Or Wreck My Credit Rating? Fine Where Do I Sign. Legs? Fine. You Don't Even Have To Sign Anything.

I Didn't Say No Because Between Safety And Adventure I Choose Adventure.

Another One Of President Barack Obama's Nominees Is Having Tax Issues, Which Proves One Thing: The Democrats Like Raising The Taxes, But They Hate Paying Them.

If You Know Anything About Me - And, If You Do, I'm Sorry That Your Life Turned Out Like That.

The Universe Is Very, Very Big. It Also Loves A Paradox. For Example, It Has Some Extremely Strict Rules. Rule Number One: Nothing Lasts Forever. Not You Or Your Family Or Your House Or Your Planet Or The Sun. It Is An Absolute Rule. Therefore When Someone Says That Their Love Will Never Die, It Means That Their Love Is Not Real, For Everything That Is Real Dies. Rule Number Two: Everything Lasts Forever.

A Number Of U.s. Colleges Are Going To Start Having Dorms For Alcoholics. I Believe Those Are Called Dorms.

A Lot Of People In Their 30's Get Nostalgic For Their Teen Years. Then They Get Jobs In Tv, Become Bitter And Jaded And Prematurely Old. Then They Turn Their Nostalgia Into Great Television.

Jeb Bush Announced Today On The Internet That He May Run For President. The Next Presidential Election Could Be Bush Vs. Clinton. It Will Be Like 1992 All Over Again Except I Won't Be In Rehab.

I Found Out It Is Just As Hard To Make A Movie That You Are Not Proud Of As It Is To Make One You Love.

It Turns Out That Speeding Irresponsibly In A Large Truck, Placing Personal Wealth Ahead Of The Welfare Of Others, Is One Of The Greatest Sins In The Universe.

Wait! Don't Applaud My Cheapness! I've Got Other Crap I Need Help With!

Remember The Band, Flock Of Seagulls? They Had Their Van Stolen. I Was Like, They Still Have A Van?

I've Got Mixed Feelings About Poetry Cause Done Well Poetry Is Fantastic. But Not Many People Are Capable Of Doing It Well. I Think You Should Have Some Kind Of License To Perform Poetry. A Poetic License Perhaps.

This Story Is True. Of Course, There Are Many Lies Therein And Most Of It Did Not Happen, But It's All True. In That Sense It Is Deeply Religious, Perhaps Even Biblical.

She Still Cared For Me, And The Best Way I Could Make Amends To Her Was To Be Happy. I Do Have A Knack For Finding Great Women.

Self Help Books Are Pointless. Here's Something For You... Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, And Self Help Books Are From Uranus.

If Scotland And America Go To War, I'm Afraid I've Already Sworn In.

I Always Appreciated My Teachers. When I Was 16, I Gave Them The Greatest Gift I Could Think Of. I Dropped Out Of School.

You Know Who Sang At Rush Limbaugh's Wedding? Elton John! According To Rush, Gay People Can Sing At Weddings. Just Not Their Own.

There Are Rumors That There Is A John Edwards Sex Tape. People Say It's Twenty Minutes Of Edwards Caressing And Stroking...and That's Just The Part Where He Fixes His Hair.

According To A New Study, Our Email Is Not As Safe As We Thought. How Do They Know This? They've Been Reading My Email.

I Like Football. I Find Its An Exciting Strategic Game. Its A Great Way To Avoid Conversation With Your Family At Thanksgiving.

I Do A Public Access Show With Puppets. Puppets Called Actors, Tv And Movie Stars.

By The Power Of Steven Wright's Beard!

I Try And Live My Life In Bite-size Chunks.

Sometimes People Think You’re Smart If You Question The Status Quo, If Nothing Else.

World War Z Is Out Today. The Big Zombie Movie. The Trailer Looks Scary. You See Hordes Of Bodies Climbing And Rolling Over Each Other. It's Like Black Friday At The Mall.

I Don't Know How Much Of A Natural Human I Am. Y'know, The Truth Is, I Never Set Out To Do That, And I Don't Think Of Myself Like That. I Don't Think Like That. It's Not Really About Promotion - I Don't Really Understand The Idea Of Promotion, Talking To A Camera For More Money. That's Just Money. And I Like Money, Don't Get Me Wrong. I Don't Know. I Don't Get It. I Don't Understand It As Much As You Don't Understand Me, I Think.

For The First Time In History, Congress Has 100 Women In It. Congratulations. Welcome To Modern Times, America. It's Great Having 100 Women In Congress. Unless You're In Line For The Congressional Bathroom.

Congratulations

I Dont Know How To Add Things To My Own Wikipedia Page.

Happy Cinco De Mayo. If You Don't Know What That Means, Maybe You're A Little Out Of Touch - Or Maybe You're The Governor Of Arizona.

Being Guilty Tends To Engender Feelings Of Guilt.

It's Earth Day Today. Let Me Tell You Something About Polar Bears. They're Endangered But You Have To Be Careful Because A Polar Bear Is One Of The Few Animals That Will Stalk A Human. If You Go To Where Polar Bears Live, It Might Stalk You And When You're On The Plane Going Home, It Might Be Behind You Reading.

The Bible Has Been Through At Least Half A Dozen Translations By The Time You Read It. Plus, When The Word Of God Is Infected By The Hand Of Man, That Is, Written Down, It Is Tainted.

Congratulations To The Nba Champion Boston Celtics - They Beat The Los Angeles Lakers By 39 Points. Or As Hillary Clinton Would Say, "too Close To Call.

Congratulations

There Are Times When You See The News, And You Go, "how The Hell Am I Meant To Do Anything Tonight?" I'm Not Good At Compartmentalizing Myself And Not Being Affected By The World Around Me, So It Was Very Difficult For Me When Atrocious News Stories Would Pop Up. And I Would Think, "how The Hell Am I Supposed To Talk To The Skeleton About The Horse Tonight?"

The Three Drunkest Cities In America: Fresno, Riverside, And Whatever Mel Gibson Is Driving Through.

I Hope What I Do Has An Art To It, And As An Artist You Have To Try New Things And Keep Yourself Entertained.

If A Man Doesn't Know How To Dance He Doesn't Know How To Make Love, There I Said It!

Even The Incorruptible Are Corruptible If They Cannot Accept The Possibility Of Being Mistaken. Infallibility Is A Sin In Any Man. All Laws Can Be Broken And Are. Often.

You Know, I Think There's A Good Rule Of Thumb Here: Don't Take Nutritional Advice From Other Species.

There Is A Scene In The Movie Where Astrid And Hiccup Fly On Toothless's Back Toward The Island Of Berk. The Animation Is Intensely Real, From The Waves On The Sea To Wisps Of Wind Blowing In The Characters' Hair. The Feeling I Get Watching That Scene Is Why I Fly - Just For That Feeling.

I Just Do My Thing And Try Each Show To Be More Honest About Why I Am And Who I Am. It's Quite Tricky And Actually Nerve-racking To Do That. It's Kind Of A Happy Train Wreck.

Confession Is A Sacred Rite Enhanced By Allegory, Exaggeration, And Lies.

Appear Tougher Or Cooler Or Funnier Than You Feel And There Is A Chance You'll Make It.

In The 1970s Vampires Were Pretty Boring. The Scariest Vampire Was Count Chocula. One Bite Of Count Chocula And You Were Cursed With Type 2 Diabetes.

Type 2 Diabetes

You Know Who They're Blaming For Global Warming Now? This Is True. Fat People.

I Don't Like The Whole Blowing The Candles Out Ritual... Blowing Their Germs All Over The Cake. If I Want To Catch Something On My Birthday. I Don't Want It To Be From The Cake. If You Know What I'm Saying.

I Have That Hypocrisy Of A Parent In That I'm Like,'come On, You've Got To Toughen Up At The Same Time Let Me Take Care Of That For You.

There's Just A Feeling You Get From Certain Things You Do In Life That Just Kind Of Feel Pure And Independent Of What's Actually, Physically, Going On.

My Pilot's License. I'm Proud Of That.

Being The Executive Producer Of A Film Is Not That Difficult. It Just Means That You Have Some Power. There's Not A Huge Amount Of Skill Involved, I Don't Know How Much I'm Giving Away Here. I Feel Like That Guy On Fox, Giving Away The Magicians' Tricks. It's Not Rocket Science, Being An Executive Producer Of A Film.

The Devil Is Not Abroad At Night In The Form Of A Cat Or A Wolf Or Any Other Animal. He Lives Eternally In The Hearts Of Men.

Rush Limbaugh Says If The Health Care Bill Passes, He Will Leave The Country. The Democrats Are Upset, Because If They Knew That, They Would Have Passed The Bill Years Ago.

Sarah Palin Has Managed To Use Her Failed Vice Presidential Run To Put Herself In A Position Of Power And Influence. Joe Biden Won The Race And He Hasn't Been Able To Put Himself In A Position Of Power And Influence.

Position Of Power

It Takes A Long Time To Become A Lawyer Because You Need Three Things - A Bachelor's Degree, A Law Degree, And A Desire To Worship Satan.

Whether I Or Anyone Else Accepted The Concept Of Alcoholism As A Disease Didn't Matter; What Mattered Was That When Treated As A Disease, Those Who Suffered From It Were Most Likely To Recover.

Cannabis Always Made Me Paranoid; I Felt Like People Were Watching Me. And Now I'm Sober, And I've Got This Talk Show In The Middle Of The Night On Cbs, And I Now Know That No One Is Watching Me.

I'm Not Aware Of Having A Creepy Laugh, But Apparently I Do.

What We Do Have Is Nothin' But Time. Welcome To The Shawshank Redemption Of Late Night!

Oprah's Quitting In 2011. Now We Know Why The Mayans Ended Their Calendar In 2012

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde Is A Metaphor For Alcoholism. He Drinks A Potion, Becomes A Monster. I Know Exactly How He Feels.

If You Don't Vote, You're A Moron.

He Was In Awe Of The Thirst That People Had For Someone To Tell Them That Everything Was Going To Be All Right. He Marveled At The Gullibility And Vulnerability Of His Fellow Humans. No Wonder The Churches Called Them Sheep. They Were Woolly-headed Pack Animals Being Herded Around For The Benefit Of Whoever Knew How To Control The Dogs.

The Only Thing That I Would Say To Anyone Doing Late Night Shows Is - It Took Me A Couple Years Then - But When You Leave The Studio, It's Over. That's What You Really Have To Do. After A Long Time, I Would Be Like, "maybe I Shouldn't Have Said This," Or "maybe I Shouldn't Have Shown This." But Eventually, I Got To, "ah, F - K It." That's What It Was That Night, Tomorrow's The Next Night.

Aphrodisiacs Come In Many Forms: Food, Drink, The Internet.

Anyone Who's Just Driven 90 Yards Against Huge Men Trying To Kill Them Has Earned The Right To Do Jazz Hands.

You Know When You're A Kid And You Think, 'oh No, I've Got Double Math, This Is Never Gonna End,' But Then It Ends, And It's Like It Never Happened? That's Like Life.

I'm Always A Bit Shy Around Evil People.

Don't Ever Rope Me In As A Late-night Talk Show Host. I Don't Want To Be One.

There's Going To Be A New Cable-tv Channel For Dogs. Dogs Don't Even Watch Tv. But The Schedule Came Out Today. And They've Got Great Shows, Like Barks & Recreation And Game Of Bones.

Technically My Dog's Naked Most Of The Time. Except Halloween, When I Dress Him Up As Liza Minelli.

I Used To Love Going Fishing. I Think It Was Really About The Clothes. Nothing Says Real Man Like A Vest With 38 Pockets And A Mesh Hat With Hooks In It.

It's A Great Day For Sarah Palin. She Was Hired As A Commentator For Fox News. She Signed A Multi-year Contract, Which Means She'll Probably Quit After A Year.

I Got Sober. I Stopped Killing Myself With Alcohol. I Began To Think: 'wait A Minute - If I Can Stop Doing This, What Are The Possibilities?' And Slowly It Dawned On Me That It Was Maybe Worth The Risk.

I Proved To My Own Satisfaction That I Am Madder Than I Think.

I Think The Scores For Olympic Gymnastics Are Affected By What Countries The Judge And The Gymnast Are From. That's Wrong. That Type Of Political Pandering Isn't Meant For Gymnastic Olympic Events. It's Meant For The Supreme Court.

Its Easier To Feel A Little More Spiritual With A Couple Of Bucks In Your Pocket.

The 'star Wars' Movie Is Coming Out. Disney Has Kept The Details Of The Movie Under Wraps Because They're Not Sony.

I Don't Think Of Myself Of A Late-show Host Any More Than I Think Of Myself Of A Game-show Host. I Mean, I've Done Both, I've Been An Actor. I'm Just Kind Of A Carny, That's It.

I Felt That, As Time Went On, An Audience Gets To Know You And In A Weird Way, You Kind Of Feel Like You Get To Know The Audience A Little Bit. When I'm Doing Stand-up Gigs Now, I Feel Like I'm Doing Gigs In Front Of People I Know. I Think That's The Result Of Doing Late-night Shows For So Long.

I'm Hooked On Email. That's Right, Kids, I'm One Of You.

You Gotta Laugh Because If You Didn't You'd Cry

Now That Healthcare Is Guaranteed, I'm Frying Everything I Eat. Fried Food And Cigarettes.

That's Here On Cbs, Where The 'c' Stands For 'classy' And The 'bs' Speaks For Itself.

After All This Time I Found That The Novel Is In Fact Punk Rock.

I Would Prefer As A Viewer To Watch The Mistakes. I Am My Own Blooper Reel, As It Happens.

Harry Potter, He Sends A Message On Owl Mail While Us Poor Old Muggles Have To Make Do With Instantaneous Emails And Texting. Oh, If Only We Could Be Like You Harry Potter, With Your Four Day Owl Delivery!

I'm Not So Much A Dragon Slayer, More A Dragon Annoyer -- I'm A Dragon Irritater.

Halloween's Eve Is Also Known As Mischief Night. Kids Are Supposed Go Around Playing Pranks Tonight. That's Great, Just What Teenagers Need -- Another Excuse To Be Jerks.

Dell Computers Announced They're Releasing A Competitor For The Ipad. Now It Is, In Fact, A Great Alternative For People Who Already Have An Ipad, But Are Fed Up With It Working All The Time.

I View My Own Body As A Petting Zoo. I Am The Main Attraction... And The Only Customer.

Osama Bin Laden's Death Has Been In The News All Day. Leftish Stations Are Going, 'president Obama Saves The World.' Stations On The Right Are Going, 'obama Kills Fellow Muslim.'

The Sexy Magazine In Britain In That Time Was Called Club International. Club International: It Was About As International As The International House Of Pancakes. It Should Have Been Called Naked Cockney Girls With Scurvy.

A Woman In Germany Gave Birth To A 13 1/2 Pound Baby. That Baby Was So Fat His First Word Was Strudel.

Evil Does Not Question Itself. Only Hope Questions Itself.

Be Careful Who You Choose As Your Hero Or Who You Choose To Deify, Be It Clay Aiken Or Barack Obama. You Put All You're Hope And All Your Dreams And All Your Ideas About Stuff Into One Human Being. They're A Human Being They're Going To Let You Down. You Can't Make Someone Your Hero Because Of Something You Read On The Internet. The Internet Is Not A Source Of Information It Is A Source Of Disinformation.

I Don't Want To Be Poor. I Don't Want To Be Rich To The Extent That All I Care About Is Keeping My Job. I Don't Care Enough About Keeping My Job Right Now. That's Good. That Makes Effective At What I Do. I Don't Want To Be Frightened Of Getting Fired. So To That End I Suppose My Ambitions Are That I Spend Less Than I Earn.

A Lot Of The U.s. Used To Be Part Of Mexico, Including Arizona. But They're A Bit Touchy About That Right Now.

You Know, Your Whole Life You're Concerned About Money For This And That. And Then You Don't Have To Worry About It, So You Worry About Other Stuff.

I'm Gonna Enjoy Being Old I Think I'll Be Awesome At It.

A New Survey Says One In Three Adults Will Be Dressing Up For Halloween. As For Me, I'm Not Going To Do Anything. I'm Going As Congress.

Occasionally, When I Lived In London, I Would Have Sex With A Girl From An Aristocratic Family. I Always Enjoyed Doing To Them What Their Ancestors Did To My Country.

The New Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Is Now Pope Francis The 1st. Francis Was Not His First Choice For A Name. But The Vatican Wisely Talked Him Out Of Pope Boo Boo.

Bp Ceo Tony Hayward Said Recently, 'no One Wants This Thing Over More Than I Do. I'd Like My Life Back.' Tony, I'm So Sorry You Had Your Summer Disrupted. I'd Buy You A Drink, But You'd Probably Spill That Too And Make Me Clean It Up.

There Are Plans For A New High-speed Train Between Los Angeles And San Francisco. It Will Make The Trip Time 30 Minutes. People In L.a. Are Like, Yes! And People In San Francisco Are Like, Yeah, Sure, Great. We Look Forward To Seeing You.

I'm So Excited About The New Ipad, I Just Ipeed My Ipants.

They Say Give A Man A Fish And He'll Eat For A Day. But Teach A Man To Fish And He'll Get His Own Show On The Discovery Channel.

Teach A Man To Fish

I Haven't Had A Drink In Thirteen Years, But Occasionally I'm Tempted To Have One Beer. The Problem Is That If I Have That One Beer, I Wake Up In Tijuana Four Days Later With A Tattoo And A Sore Ass.

Everything I Think Of Now Is Too Rude To Actually Say.

The Universe Is Very, Very Big.

Tomorrow Is Your Future's Yesterday.

I Think People Are As Individual As Snowflakes, They Kinda Look Alike But No Two Are The Exactly The Same, And All Classification Is The Root Of Prejudice.

The Idea Of Having Australians Upset At Me Is Just Awful.

If You Watch Cooking Shows On Cable, They Have Lots Of British People. Because When You Think Good Cooking, You Immediately Think Britain.

I Think When You Become A Parent You Go From Being A Star In The Movie Of Your Own Life To The Supporting Player In The Movie Of Someone Else's.

I Think We Look Back At Times Past With Fondness Because We Were Younger. Life Had Not Yet Begun Pecking Away At Our Innocence Like Buzzards On Fresh Road Kill.

A Junkie Will Steal Your Purse, And Then Help You Look For It.

There Is No Thanksgiving Back In The Old Country Where I Come From. You Know Why? Because Being Thankful Is A Sin.

An 83-year-old Male Prostitute Was Arrested. Police Say He Only Charged $20 An Hour, But For Most Of That Time, He Just Talked About His Grandkids.

Pseudoscience Describes Theories That Sound Like Science But Are Actually Just Made Up, Like Aromatherapy Or Biorhythms Or Love.

I'm A Terrible Interviewer. I'm Not A Journalist - Although I Have A Peabody Award - And I'm Not Really A Late-night Host. What I Am Is Honest.

I Think I'll Be Scottish In Every Movie I Write. They Always Try To Talk Me Out Of It, But Woody Allen Is Always A Nebbish New Yorker. Why Shouldn't I Be A Goofy Glaswegian?

I Come From A Very Critical Culture. You Know The Scots. They're Always Saying: 'oh, No. It Will Never Work. You'll Never Amount To Anything. You've Got To Know Your Place In The World.

A New Study Says By 2030 Household Robots Will Dominate Every Phase Of Our Lives. The Study Says The No. 1 Field For Robot Growth Is Medicine. That Makes Sense. Robots Already Perform Well In Surgery. That Is, Until There Is A Power Outage. Then It's Just A Coat Rack Leaning Over You As You Bleed To Death.

This Is My First Week As An American Citizen. It's Amazing. Now I Can Vote In The General Election - And For American Idol.

The Worst Gift I Was Given Is When I Got Out Of Rehab That Christmas; A Bottle Of Wine. It Was Delicious.

The Views Expressed By Me Are In No Way Endorsed By Cbs Any Of Its Allied Companies Or In Fact Me.

Here's A Tip For All You Aspiring Young Comics: Don't Beat Up The Customers. It Is Very Difficult To Get Laughs From An Audience When You've Actually Drawn Blood From One Of Their Number. It Kills The Mood.

A New Restaurant Here In Southern California Requires Women To Wear High Heels. I'm Outraged! This Is Sexist! Why Just The Women?

Much Of Television Has Been Homogenized In The Desire To Avoid Annoying Or Upsetting People.

I Had Lived In Fear Of The Fabled Terrifying Visions That Assail Chronic Drinkers, But Which Had Not Yet Attacked Me.

Trending Author

Constance Baker Motley

Katharine McPhee

Category