Background Image

...

He Was In Awe Of The Thirst That People Had For Someone To Tell Them That Everything Was Going To Be All Right. He Marveled At The Gullibility And Vulnerability Of His Fellow Humans. No Wonder The Churches Called Them Sheep. They Were Woolly-headed Pack Animals Being Herded Around For The Benefit Of Whoever Knew How To Control The Dogs.

-Craig Ferguson

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

He Was In Awe

Craig Ferguson

...

He Was In Awe Of The Thirst That People Had For Someone To Tell Them That Everything Was Going To Be All Right. He Marveled At The Gullibility And Vulnerability Of His Fellow Humans. No Wonder The Churches Called Them Sheep. They Were Woolly-headed Pack Animals Being Herded Around For The Benefit Of Whoever Knew How To Control The Dogs.

Views: 5

Topic

More From Craig Ferguson

Democrats Are Calling Christine O'donnell 'the Sarah Palin Of The East.' Really? She's A Loud, Emotionally Unstable Woman From Delaware. That's Not Sarah Palin, That's Joe Biden.

It Never Occurred To Them That God May Have Provided The World With A Vast Array Of Very Brainy Medical Types For The Very Reason Of Solving Problems Such As Theirs. However, There Is One Thing That The Medical Profession Cannot Do And That Is Save People From Being Idiots.

Betty White Met With President Obama At The White House. President Obama Invited Betty Personally Because She's Great With Animals. And The President's Still Having A Tough Time House-training Joe Biden.

It Turns Out That Speeding Irresponsibly In A Large Truck, Placing Personal Wealth Ahead Of The Welfare Of Others, Is One Of The Greatest Sins In The Universe.

Wait! Don't Applaud My Cheapness! I've Got Other Crap I Need Help With!

It's A Great Day For America, Everybody! It's Monday, Woo.

I Don't Get Emails From My Corporate Overlords.

The Three Drunkest Cities In America: Fresno, Riverside, And Whatever Mel Gibson Is Driving Through.

I'm So Excited About The New Ipad, I Just Ipeed My Ipants.

I Did Have A Love For Literature That Overpowered My Hatred Of The People Who Taught It, And I Think Because I Had No Respect For The Teachers, Their Attitude Didn't Poison The Writing That I Was Discovering For Myself.

If You Don't Vote, You're A Moron.

The New Pope, Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Is Now Pope Francis The 1st. Francis Was Not His First Choice For A Name. But The Vatican Wisely Talked Him Out Of Pope Boo Boo.

I Think Commercialism Helps Christmas And I Think That The More Capitalism We Can Inject Into The Christmas Holiday The More Spiritual I Feel About It

World War Z Is Out Today. The Big Zombie Movie. The Trailer Looks Scary. You See Hordes Of Bodies Climbing And Rolling Over Each Other. It's Like Black Friday At The Mall.

I Don't Like My Politicians Entertaining Me And I Don't Like My Entertainers Politicianing Me.

Divorce Lawyers Stoke Anger And Fear In Their Clients, Knowing That As Long As The Conflicts Remain Unresolved The Revenue Stream Will Keep Flowing.

You Gotta Laugh Because If You Didn't You'd Cry

I Haven't Had A Drink In Thirteen Years, But Occasionally I'm Tempted To Have One Beer. The Problem Is That If I Have That One Beer, I Wake Up In Tijuana Four Days Later With A Tattoo And A Sore Ass.

Tomorrow's Just Your Future Yesterday.

These Days, Teachers Have It Rough. Kids Can Be Hyperactive, Disobedient, And Obnoxious. It Must Feel Like Being Locked In A Room Of Drunk Midgets.

That's The Thing About Terrorism - It Works. Especially For The Terrorists - They Might Not Get What They Want But It Feels Damn Good Trying.

I Aim To Please. I'm Nothing If Not A Vaudevillian.

Saudia Arabia Takes In Half A Trillion Dollars Every Year In Oil Revenue, And The Country Has A Population Smaller Than New York State, But When Your System Of Government Is An Eleventh Century Monarchy, Someone's Going To End Up Poor, And It's Not Gonna Be The Guy Whose First Name Is King.

Sometimes, In Order To Follow One's Heart, One Must Do The Wrong Thing. Now, I'm Not Absolving Anyone Of Their Actions; You Have To Be Responsible For Your Actions, Sick Or Well, You Have To Be, You Just Have To Be. All Of Us Are Accountable.

On That Same Tour We Ran Into A Band At Aylesbury Friars, A Biggish Venue In Oxfordshire, England. They Were A Four-piece From Ireland Called U2. They Seemed Like Nice Fellows And They Sounded Pretty Good, But We Didn’t Keep In Touch. They’re Probably Taxi Drivers And Accountants By Now.

I Hope What I Do Has An Art To It, And As An Artist You Have To Try New Things And Keep Yourself Entertained.

People Are Saying That Anderson Cooper Could Be The New Oprah. And Then These People Are Struck By Lightning.

Every Day I Ran To That Book Like It Was A Bottle Of Whiskey And Crawled Inside Because It Was A World That I Had At Least Some Control Over, And Slowly, In Time, It Began To Take Shape.

They Were Singing, Gillette, The Best A Man Can Get, With A Lot Of Guys Hugging Their Fathers And Sailing And Riding Bikes. I Suddenly Felt A Long Way From The Best A Man Could Get And I Thought It Would Be Nice To Get From There To The Best.

A Lot Of The U.s. Used To Be Part Of Mexico, Including Arizona. But They're A Bit Touchy About That Right Now.

There Is No Thanksgiving Back In The Old Country Where I Come From. You Know Why? Because Being Thankful Is A Sin.

Historically, When Americans Don't Know What To Do Next, They Go To Paris. Benjamin Franklin Is Like: 'what Am I Going To Do Now? I'll Go To Paris!'

I've Got Young Kids, So It Suits Me To Do A Job Which Keeps Me In Town Right Now.

Sarah Palin Has Managed To Use Her Failed Vice Presidential Run To Put Herself In A Position Of Power And Influence. Joe Biden Won The Race And He Hasn't Been Able To Put Himself In A Position Of Power And Influence.

Position Of Power

I Got Sober. I Stopped Killing Myself With Alcohol. I Began To Think: 'wait A Minute - If I Can Stop Doing This, What Are The Possibilities?' And Slowly It Dawned On Me That It Was Maybe Worth The Risk.

There Is A New Bill In The Senate That Is Upsetting A Lot Of People. This Bill Would Give The President The Power To Shut Off The Internet. Al Gore Is Strongly Opposed To It. Not Because He Invented The Internet. Because He Did. But Because He Just Signed Up For Match.com.

Nothing Says Romance Like Hobos, Martyrs And Decapitations.

According To A New Study, Our Email Is Not As Safe As We Thought. How Do They Know This? They've Been Reading My Email.

There Are Times When You See The News, And You Go, "how The Hell Am I Meant To Do Anything Tonight?" I'm Not Good At Compartmentalizing Myself And Not Being Affected By The World Around Me, So It Was Very Difficult For Me When Atrocious News Stories Would Pop Up. And I Would Think, "how The Hell Am I Supposed To Talk To The Skeleton About The Horse Tonight?"

A Number Of U.s. Colleges Are Going To Start Having Dorms For Alcoholics. I Believe Those Are Called Dorms.

I Think I'll Be Scottish In Every Movie I Write. They Always Try To Talk Me Out Of It, But Woody Allen Is Always A Nebbish New Yorker. Why Shouldn't I Be A Goofy Glaswegian?

It's A Book. It's Mine. And It's Done.

You Know Who Sang At Rush Limbaugh's Wedding? Elton John! According To Rush, Gay People Can Sing At Weddings. Just Not Their Own.

There's Something Spiritual In Hard Work. Spirituality Isn't All Aromatherapy And Scented Candles.

When I Stopped Drinking, It Was Only Because I Thought If I Don't Stop, I'm Going To Die.

I Only Like Sports That Bond Villains Played.

What We Do Have Is Nothin' But Time. Welcome To The Shawshank Redemption Of Late Night!

I Wanted To Be A Rock Star.

The Universe Is Very, Very Big. It Also Loves A Paradox. For Example, It Has Some Extremely Strict Rules. Rule Number One: Nothing Lasts Forever. Not You Or Your Family Or Your House Or Your Planet Or The Sun. It Is An Absolute Rule. Therefore When Someone Says That Their Love Will Never Die, It Means That Their Love Is Not Real, For Everything That Is Real Dies. Rule Number Two: Everything Lasts Forever.

Here In California, We Passed A Law Against Texting While Driving. But There's No Law Preventing You From Writing A Letter While Driving.

I Don't Know How Much Of A Natural Human I Am. Y'know, The Truth Is, I Never Set Out To Do That, And I Don't Think Of Myself Like That. I Don't Think Like That. It's Not Really About Promotion - I Don't Really Understand The Idea Of Promotion, Talking To A Camera For More Money. That's Just Money. And I Like Money, Don't Get Me Wrong. I Don't Know. I Don't Get It. I Don't Understand It As Much As You Don't Understand Me, I Think.

Democrats In State Legislatures Are At Their Lowest Level Since The 1920s. President Obama Has A Can't-miss Strategy To Save The Party In 2016. He's Leaving.

I Do A Public Access Show With Puppets. Puppets Called Actors, Tv And Movie Stars.

I Think Sometimes That People Think Brave Means Not Being Afraid, Which Of Course It Doesn't Mean That At All. It Means That You're Afraid, But You Move Past That And Do It Anyway, Do What You Think Is Right.

Here At Cbs, Spring Also Means March Madness. I Love The Name March Madness. I'm Glad The Pc Police Haven't Made Us Change March Madness To Early Spring Psychosis.

Why Don't They Allow Professional Wrestling At The Olympics? They Allow Pro Basketball Players And Hockey Players. Olympic Pro Wrestling Would Be Awesome. The Team From Mexico Could Wear Those Mr. X Masks. The French Wrestler Could Hit His Opponent With A Baguette. Or Perhaps Just Surrender.

You Know, Where I Come From, An Antique, To Be Called An Antique, It Has To Be At Least A Hundred Years Old. That's A Law: Before You Can Call Something An Antique, It Has To Be A Hundred Years Old. In L.a., Something That's Been Around For A Couple Of Weeks Is An Antique. It's True! People Are Like, Look At This Old-fashioned Ipod. Look At This! It's The Size Of A Man's Hand! Ha Ha Ha Ha. Back Then-back Then, People Thought Mel Gibson Was Just Acting Crazy. It Was A Very Different Time.

Last Night On The Show I Had Olympics Fever. Unfortunately, It's Getting Worse. That's Not Good. I Have To Call My Doctor If My Torch Burns For More Than Four Hours.

She Still Cared For Me, And The Best Way I Could Make Amends To Her Was To Be Happy. I Do Have A Knack For Finding Great Women.

My Father Had A Very Unusual Psychic Ability, He Could Detect Water. It's Called Divining. He Would Use A Y-shaped U-branch, And He Could Find Water With That, Which Is A Very Impressive Skill In A Country Where It Rains 365 Days Of The Year.

If You Absolutely Believe That What You Do Is Right, You're Bullet-proof.

Former President George W. Bush Released His New Memoir. By The Way, 'memoir' Is Just A Fancy Word For 'a Bunch Of Stuff That Happened To Me.

Everything Went Smoothly At The Sailing Events Today, Except For The British Team. They Forgot To Bring Limes And They All Got Scurvy.

London Olympics

Wikipedia Celebrates Its 12th Birthday Today. Of Course, I Have No Idea If It's True. I Read It On Wikipedia.

Climate Change Is A Serious Problem. We All Need To Do What We Can. Unless That Means I've Got To Change Stuff. Then I'm Not Doing It.

I'm Reading A Book, Because I'm Brainy. No, It Is A Book - If You Don't Know, It Is Like A Blog Except Bigger.

When You Need To Borrow Money The Mob Seems Like A Better Deal I Think. 'you Don't Pay Me Back I Break Both Yer Legs.' Is That All? You Won't Take My House Or Wreck My Credit Rating? Fine Where Do I Sign. Legs? Fine. You Don't Even Have To Sign Anything.

Acid Gave Me A Clinical, Unblinking Look At Madness, And I Discovered I Wasn't Brave Enough To Be Insane.

The 3-d Effects In "star Wars" Are So Realistic, You Can Actually See George Lucas Reaching From The Screen And Taking The Money From Your Wallet.

If We Are Now Holding Late-night Talk-show Hosts To The Same Moral Accountability As We Hold Politicians Or Clergymen, I'm Out. I'm Gone.

I'm Not Aware Of Having A Creepy Laugh, But Apparently I Do.

Dell Computers Announced They're Releasing A Competitor For The Ipad. Now It Is, In Fact, A Great Alternative For People Who Already Have An Ipad, But Are Fed Up With It Working All The Time.

I Remember Talking To Someone Early On After I Was Sober About How I Suddenly Felt Awkward At Parties. They Said, 'well, You're Supposed To. Everyone Feels Awkward At Parties.' It's An Appropriate Feeling To Feel.

Clay Aiken Ran For Congress In North Carolina. But He Didn't Make It. Clay Aiken Is Famous For Coming In Second In A Tv Popularity Contest That Most People Got Fed Up With Years Ago. He Also Lost On 'american Idol.'

The First Day Of Spring Is Known As The Vernal Equinox. The Equinox Is Special. It Only Happens Twice A Year, Like A Good Night In Ratings For Nbc.

I Like Football. I Find Its An Exciting Strategic Game. Its A Great Way To Avoid Conversation With Your Family At Thanksgiving.

The Meeting With Prince William Took Place At The White House Because Prince William Wanted To See Where The President Spent His Days, But The Golf Course Was Covered In Snow.

A Friend Of Mine That I Was In A Band With Started Me On Kafka, Which In Turn Led To Camus And Sartre.

Here In Los Angeles, School's Out For Summer. For Thousands Of School Kids, This Is The First Week Of Summer Vacation. And For Thousands Of Parents, It's The First Week Of Hell.

Appear Tougher Or Cooler Or Funnier Than You Feel And There Is A Chance You'll Make It.

Sarah Palin Is Speaking Out About The Oil Spill. She Said, I'm Not Kidding, We Should Ask The Dutch For Help With The Spill Because The Dutch Have The World's Best Dikes. So Let Me Get This Straight. It Is Ok To Cover Lesbians In Oil But You Just Can't Let Them Get Married.

I Enjoy Bathing, As Many Europeans Don't.

Its Easier To Feel A Little More Spiritual With A Couple Of Bucks In Your Pocket.

They've Found A Link Between Chemicals In Shampoo And Obesity. If You're Eating Shampoo, Your Weight Is The Least Of Your Concerns.

Stand By Your Bed And Salute Me.

I Found The Prospect Daunting, But Somehow Comforting, Too, Because The Counselors Insisted It Could Be Done, And, After All, Many Of Them Were Recovering Alcoholics Themselves.

Santa Blows All These Shipping Companies Away. He Delivers More Than 2 Billion Packages In Just 24 Hours. He Does It By Sleigh. He Doesn't Use Tracking Numbers And Doesn't Use Trucks. He Just Uses Midgets And A Giant Bag.

I Have To Do A Show Which Is Of Interest To Me, Or Else I'm Lost.

There's Just A Feeling You Get From Certain Things You Do In Life That Just Kind Of Feel Pure And Independent Of What's Actually, Physically, Going On.

You Know, I Think There's A Good Rule Of Thumb Here: Don't Take Nutritional Advice From Other Species.

The Queen Banishes Snow White Because Of Her Beauty. But The Dwarves Help Snow White Because They're Smitten By That Very Beauty. It Teaches Kids An Important Lesson: Nothing Matters Except For Your Looks.

I Didn't Say No Because Between Safety And Adventure I Choose Adventure.

He Will Know From And Early Age That Failure Is Not Disgrace. It's Just A Pitch That You Missed, And You'd Better Get Ready For The Next One. The Next One Might Be The Shot Heard Round The World. My Son And I Are Americans, We Prepare For Glory By Failing Until We Don't.

You Clap. The Censor Wakes Up. We All Get Into Trouble.

Now, I Know Obama Was Trying To Take The Long View, But Talking About Solar Energy In The Middle Of The Oil Spill Is Like Watching Your House Engulfed In Flames And Saying, 'we Really Should Change The Curtains.'

I Try And Live My Life In Bite-size Chunks.

With Good Parody, You Have To Be Smarter That The People You’re Parodying.

Osama Bin Laden's Death Has Been In The News All Day. Leftish Stations Are Going, 'president Obama Saves The World.' Stations On The Right Are Going, 'obama Kills Fellow Muslim.'

A Lot Of People In Their 30's Get Nostalgic For Their Teen Years. Then They Get Jobs In Tv, Become Bitter And Jaded And Prematurely Old. Then They Turn Their Nostalgia Into Great Television.

I Dropped Out Of High School When I Was 16, After I Had A Huge Argument With My English Teacher Over The Meaning Of The Word 'existentialism.'

Is It Really That Important? It's Just Television, For God's Sake. It's Not Medicine Or Something.

I Do Love America. And La Is A Very Short Commute To America Its Like Half An Hour On The Plane.

A New York City Judge Struck Down A Proposed Law To Ban Sodas Larger Than 16 Ounces. I Think Mayor Bloomberg Should Spend His Time Trying To Improve Stuff Like Education. New York Needs A Better Education System If Kids Didn't Figure Out They Could Get Around The 16-ounce Soda Ban By Simply Purchasing Two 12-ounce Sodas.

Confession Is A Sacred Rite Enhanced By Allegory, Exaggeration, And Lies.

The Idea Of Having Australians Upset At Me Is Just Awful.

It's Very Interesting To Know What People Are Doing While You're Working On Late-night Television.

The U.s. Senate Is Considering A Bill That Would Tax Botox. When Botox Users Heard This, They Were Horrified. Well, I Think They Were Horrified. It's Difficult To Tell.

In Some Countries Women's Day Is A National Holiday And Men Give Women Flowers. In America Women's Day Falls On Another Holiday, Mardi Gras, Where Men Give Women Beads In The Respectful And Post-feminist Desire To See Their Naked Boobies.

I Said That The Only Way I Could Have A Band That Would Work In The Format Of My Show Is If The Band Were Crap. So If I Have A Band They'd Have To Really Suck.

If You're Frightened Of Leprechauns, The Best Thing To Do Is To Get Yourself A Little Leprechaun Outfit And See How Big They Are. And Then You'll Go, 'well I See. That's Like Bein' Frightened Of A Hampster.'

Late Night Is No Different Than Making A Film, Really, Except That It's Faster, And If You Do A Crap One, You Can Do A Better One Tomorrow. Writing A Novel And Doing Stand-up - That Stuff Is Very Similar.

I Think That Everything Looks A Little Scarier At Night, When The Sun Goes Down. And I Know I Kind Of Want A Sense Of Reassurance Or A Community. Late-night Shows Is A Rare Place Because That's What We Do. Increasingly, I Felt Like I Didn't Want To Be That Guy. I Didn't Want To Do That. It Wasn't The Only Reason That I Stopped Doing It, But It Was A Consideration - I Didn't Know How To Process Tragedy After Tragedy And Then ... It Just Got Too Much, I Think.

If It Doesn't Work, At Least It Will Be An Interesting Train Wreck.

Anyone Who's Just Driven 90 Yards Against Huge Men Trying To Kill Them Has Earned The Right To Do Jazz Hands.

For A While, Some Schools Across The Country Were Banning Spelling Bees. For Obvious Reasons, Of Course - Steroids

I Know The Fashion Is That Everything Is Fair Game [for Comedy Material] But I Don't Believe That.

I Don't Know Now If I'm Funny. I Just Keep Talking And Hope That I Hit Something That's Funny.

The Problem With Suicide Is That It Seems So Flamboyant. It's Camp. You Have To Be A Bit Of A Drama Queen To Ever Seriously Consider It.

All They Teach You In Drama School Is How To Do Stage Fights And Be A Pain In Rehearsals.

Pseudoscience Describes Theories That Sound Like Science But Are Actually Just Made Up, Like Aromatherapy Or Biorhythms Or Love.

Sarah Palin. Remember Sarah Palin? She Is Adorable. She Is Back On The Campaign Trail. Really. She's Going To Campaign In The Senate Runoff In Georgia. As Soon As She Finds Out Where Georgia Is.

I Think I'm Just Someone That Just Tries To Get By. I'm Kind Of - If It Was During The Second World War, I'd Be A Black Marketeer, I Think.

Being Guilty Tends To Engender Feelings Of Guilt.

I Know That's Not The Right Accent, But I Can't Do The Right Accent. It's Either The Wrong Accent Or Another Octomom Joke.

Equestrian And Sailing Are Sports For People Growing Up On The Mean Streets Of Connecticut.

That's Why I Believe In A Constitution Which Separates Church From State. I've Seen What Happens When They Get In Cahoots.

Oprah's Quitting In 2011. Now We Know Why The Mayans Ended Their Calendar In 2012

The First Ads For Medical Marijuana Have Started Airing On Television In California. The Ads Are Quite Expensive. It Costs A Lot Of Money To Buy 30 Seconds During 'spongebob Squarepants.'

I Realize That I Am Not A Journalist. So Anything I Say Is Not Important.

From This Moment On I'd Dedicate My Life To Rock And Roll And Take As Many Drugs As Possible. What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

I Don't Want To Be Poor. I Don't Want To Be Rich To The Extent That All I Care About Is Keeping My Job. I Don't Care Enough About Keeping My Job Right Now. That's Good. That Makes Effective At What I Do. I Don't Want To Be Frightened Of Getting Fired. So To That End I Suppose My Ambitions Are That I Spend Less Than I Earn.

A New Survey Says One In Three Adults Will Be Dressing Up For Halloween. As For Me, I'm Not Going To Do Anything. I'm Going As Congress.

Every Year There's A Jury At The Cannes Film Festival. Getting On The Jury Is Very Competitive In France. Not Because The French Love Cinema, But Because They Love To Judge.

Cannes Film Festival

I Don't Think Of Myself Of A Late-show Host Any More Than I Think Of Myself Of A Game-show Host. I Mean, I've Done Both, I've Been An Actor. I'm Just Kind Of A Carny, That's It.

I've Been Running My Whole Life. Running Into Bars, Running Around The World. But When You Have A Child, You Can't Run. That Was A Revelation.

Harry Potter, He Sends A Message On Owl Mail While Us Poor Old Muggles Have To Make Do With Instantaneous Emails And Texting. Oh, If Only We Could Be Like You Harry Potter, With Your Four Day Owl Delivery!

I Come From A Very Critical Culture. You Know The Scots. They're Always Saying: 'oh, No. It Will Never Work. You'll Never Amount To Anything. You've Got To Know Your Place In The World.

I Came To America, And I Made Good. It's An Old Story, But It Hasn't Been Told In A Long Time. Usually, It's, 'i'm An Immigrant, I Came Here And Got Persecuted.' My Story Is I Came Here, I Worked Hard, And It Worked Out All Right. So It's Still Available.

That's Why Credit Card Companies Are Evil. Are They Sponsoring The Show Tonight? ... They Are Evil.

Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving. All The Food's In The Oven. And I'm In The Bedroom Performin' Self Lovin'.

Old People Really Do Have A Secret Though. You Wanna Know What It Is? Luck.

Twas The Night Before Thanksgiving.

Even A Chameleon Needs The Proper Amount Of Suction.

For Me, Comedy Should Have A Certain Amount Of Joy In It. It Should Be About Attacking The Powerful - The Politicians, The Trumps, The Blowhards - Going After Them. We Shouldn't Be Attacking The Vulnerable.

For My Birthday That Year Anne Gave Me An Inflatable Atlas Globe, Along With A Birthday Card In Which She Wrote: I Give You The World. Have Fun Blowing It Up.

The Only Thing That I Would Say To Anyone Doing Late Night Shows Is - It Took Me A Couple Years Then - But When You Leave The Studio, It's Over. That's What You Really Have To Do. After A Long Time, I Would Be Like, "maybe I Shouldn't Have Said This," Or "maybe I Shouldn't Have Shown This." But Eventually, I Got To, "ah, F - K It." That's What It Was That Night, Tomorrow's The Next Night.

I Don't Think Wood Was Discovered In Britain Until The 1970's. That's When I Discovered It Anyway.

If I Start Giving People What They Like I'll Turn Into One Of Them And I Don't Want To Be One Of Them I Want To Be One Of Me.

Al Qaeda Has Declared War On The Somali Pirates. That Is Awesome! Evil Against Evil. Like Alien Versus Predator Or Cheney Versus His Lawyer.

Ratings Experts Say The Best Way To Get People To Watch During Sweeps Is To Leave The Audience With A Question That Won't Be Answered Until The Next Time The Show Is On. You Know, Like Who Shot J.r.? I Like To Think I Do This Every Night - The Question Is, Is This Show Still On?

I Think Comedy As An Art Involves The Audience As A Participant As Much As Is Involves The Artist.

Even Though It's Warm Here In L.a., People Still Have To Wear Layers - At Least Until Their Plastic Surgery Heals.

I'm Always A Bit Shy Around Evil People.

I'm Crazy. I Know I'm Crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu Told Me, And He's Very Clever. He Said, 'you Must Free Yourself, Be More Of Who You Are. Be More Crazy.' And I'm Going To.

I Am The Saudi Arabia Of Unhappiness. I Have So Many Reserves Of Misery That You Wouldn't Understand. I Actually Think That's Part Of Why I Connect With Canadians. I Think They Understand Grinding Misery Underneath.

Sometimes My Pathology Just Spills Out Into The Camera Doesn't It?

It Was On This Day That The Bahamas Declared Independence. Before That They Were A British Colony. The British Empire Lost Canada And The Bahamas, To Name Just A Couple. Britain's Been Dumped More Times Than Taylor Swift. But Did They Go Writing Whining Songs About It? No.

I Don't Know Much About The Supreme Court. If It's Anything Like The Supreme Taco, It's Like A Regular Court, But With Extra Sour Cream.

Fat Is Where Comedy Is Stored.

Larry King Has Been Married More Times Than Henry The Eighth. We Used To Have That Rhyme To Keep Track Of Them. 'divorced, Beheaded, Died. Divorced, Beheaded, Survived.' With Larry I Think It Goes, 'divorced, Beheaded, Divorced, Escaped. Zombie, Lesbian, Disappeared, Inflatable.

Here's A Tip For All You Aspiring Young Comics: Don't Beat Up The Customers. It Is Very Difficult To Get Laughs From An Audience When You've Actually Drawn Blood From One Of Their Number. It Kills The Mood.

Well, Everyone, Welcome To Shark Week. Oh That's On Cbs And There's Been A Lot Of Cutbacks, So It's Just Friday Night For A Couple Of Minutes. And We Don't Have Any Sharks, Just An Immigrant With A Puppet. Hey, But It's A Start!

Apple Released The Upgraded Version Of The Iphone 4, Called The Iphone 4s. I Think The S Stands For Suckers.

I Think When You Become A Parent You Go From Being A Star In The Movie Of Your Own Life To The Supporting Player In The Movie Of Someone Else's.

From 1934 To 1963, The Biggest Criminals In America Ended Up On Alcatraz. Nowadays They End Up On Wall Street.

Laughter Separates Us From Despair And Gives Us A Chance At Love.

Now That Healthcare Is Guaranteed, I'm Frying Everything I Eat. Fried Food And Cigarettes.

It Is A Great Day For The Great State Of Texas. The Last Person Being Tested For Ebola Has Come Back Clean. So Texas Is Now Ebola Free. This Was A Big Week For Them. They're Now Free Of Ebola - And Democrats.

During The Cold War, West Berlin Was An Exclave - A Tiny Outpost Of Liberalism Surrounded By People Who Want To Crush It. It Was Like Austin, Texas.

You Should Never Protest Outside A Rich Guy's Home During The Day Because He's Not There. He's At Work Grinding The Faces Of The Poor.

Whether I Or Anyone Else Accepted The Concept Of Alcoholism As A Disease Didn't Matter; What Mattered Was That When Treated As A Disease, Those Who Suffered From It Were Most Likely To Recover.

I Think That Clearly It Has An Influence, To Be Coming Of Age During The Punk Rock Era, To Come From A Difficult And Sporadically Violent Background, To Have Been In And Out Of Such Chaos, I Think It Actually Helps. But I Don't Know For Sure.

That's Here On Cbs, Where The 'c' Stands For 'classy' And The 'bs' Speaks For Itself.

I Would Prefer As A Viewer To Watch The Mistakes. I Am My Own Blooper Reel, As It Happens.

Great, As Long As You're Happy

Evil Does Not Question Itself. Only Hope Questions Itself.

Cbs Announced They're Canceling As The World Turns. Don't Worry Though, If You're Addicted To The Twisted Plots, The Intrigue, The Illicit Sex, You Can Still Watch Golf.

There Are Rumors That There Is A John Edwards Sex Tape. People Say It's Twenty Minutes Of Edwards Caressing And Stroking...and That's Just The Part Where He Fixes His Hair.

There Are Plans For A New High-speed Train Between Los Angeles And San Francisco. It Will Make The Trip Time 30 Minutes. People In L.a. Are Like, Yes! And People In San Francisco Are Like, Yeah, Sure, Great. We Look Forward To Seeing You.

Hd Doesn't Mean Anything To Me. It's A Technical Thing. It's Like Demographics. A Lot Of People Know About It.

This Story Is True. Of Course, There Are Many Lies Therein And Most Of It Did Not Happen, But It's All True. In That Sense It Is Deeply Religious, Perhaps Even Biblical.

A New Restaurant Here In Southern California Requires Women To Wear High Heels. I'm Outraged! This Is Sexist! Why Just The Women?

Allowances Can Always Be Made For Your Friends To Disagree With You. Disagreement, Vehement Disagreement, Is Healthy. Debate Is Impossible Without It. Evil Does Not Question Itself, Only Hope Questions Itself. Even The Incorruptible Are Corruptible If They Cannot Accept The Possibility Of Being Mistaken. Infallibility Is A Sin In Any Man. All Laws Can Be Broken And Are. Often. Like When A Bumblebee Flies Or An Ancient Regime Is Toppled.

After All This Time I Found That The Novel Is In Fact Punk Rock.

You Know When You're A Kid And You Think, 'oh No, I've Got Double Math, This Is Never Gonna End,' But Then It Ends, And It's Like It Never Happened? That's Like Life.

It's Fantastic That Congress Has An Increasing Number Of Women. Experts Call An Increasingly Female Presence In A Previously Male Space 'the Bruce Jenner Effect.'

Friday's Turmoil In Global Markets Looks Set To Continue To Exert A Dominant Force On The Foreign Exchange Markets. The Usual Trend When U.s. Stocks Fall Is That The U.s. Dollar Suffers.

I Didn't Flee A Dictator Or Swim An Ocean To Be An American Like Some Do. I Just Thought Long And Hard About It.

The Views Expressed By Me Are In No Way Endorsed By Cbs Any Of Its Allied Companies Or In Fact Me.

Ocean's 13 Is All About Cool People Having A Good Time, And Who Doesn't Want To See That? Well You, Apparantly, 'cause You're Watching Me.

In The Past I've Been Hard On The Vegans. I've Called Them Prius-driving Fascists, But Now I Am One Of Them. I Have Been Turned To The Dark Side.

The Smurfs 2 Is A Great Movie. The Smurfs Are Tiny Little Creatures That Everybody Loves. They're Like Justin Bieber - Minus The Part About Everybody Loving Him.

Alcohol Ruined Me Financially And Morally, Broke My Heart And The Hearts Of Too Many Others. Even Though It Did This To Me And It Almost Killed Me And I Haven't Touched A Drop Of It In Seventeen Years, Sometimes I Wonder If I Could Get Away With Drinking Some Now. I Totally Subscribe To The Notion That Alcoholism Is A Mental Illness Because Thinking Like That Is Clearly Insane.

These Days, Young People Watch Tv On Smartphones And Computers. Young People With An Actual Tv Set Are Harder To Find Than A Picture Of Anthony Weiner With His Clothes On.

If The Fed Ceases Hiking, Against The Backdrop Of Still Rising Commodity Prices, Then The Australian Dollar Will Have Few Reasons For Resisting Any Topside Advances.

Commodity Prices

A Casino In South Dakota Was Robbed By A Man Dressed As A Mummy. The Police Described The Suspect As Anywhere Between 25 And 8,000 Years Old.

There's Going To Be A New Cable-tv Channel For Dogs. Dogs Don't Even Watch Tv. But The Schedule Came Out Today. And They've Got Great Shows, Like Barks & Recreation And Game Of Bones.

People Sometimes Say To Me: "craig, Get Out Of My Garden."

The Most Popular Valentine's Day Gift Is Chocolate. In The 1800's, Doctors Told Their Patients To Eat Chocolate To Get Over A Broken Heart. They Also Thought If You're Going To Be Alone, Who Cares If You Get Fat.

The Bible Has Been Through At Least Half A Dozen Translations By The Time You Read It. Plus, When The Word Of God Is Infected By The Hand Of Man, That Is, Written Down, It Is Tainted.

Trending Author

Stokely Carmichael

Category