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It Is Imperative When Flying Coach That You Restrain Any Tendency Toward The Vividly Imaginative. For Although It May Momentarily Appear To Be The Case, It Is Not At All Likely That The Cabin Is Entirely Inhabited By Crying Babies Smoking Inexpensive Domestic Cigars.

-Fran Lebowitz

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It Is Imperative When

Fran Lebowitz

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It Is Imperative When Flying Coach That You Restrain Any Tendency Toward The Vividly Imaginative. For Although It May Momentarily Appear To Be The Case, It Is Not At All Likely That The Cabin Is Entirely Inhabited By Crying Babies Smoking Inexpensive Domestic Cigars.

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If, While Watching The Sun Set On A Used-car Lot In Los Angeles, You Are Struck By The Parallels Between This Image And The Inevitable Fate Of Humanity, Do Not, Under Any Circumstances, Write It Down.

There's No Such Thing As Advice To The Lovelorn. If They Took Advice, They Wouldn't Be Lovelorn.

Even If People Aren't Republicans, It Doesn't Seem Shocking To Them That Ronald Reagan Was The President. Well Of Course, Because Arnold Schwarzenegger Was The Governor! This Is Not Only A Bar Too Low, This Is No Bar At All. I Don't Care Who You Are, You Know 20 People Smarter Than Ronald Reagan. You Know 20 People Who Would Be A Better President Than Ronald Reagan.

Knowingness Is Sexy. The Opposite Of Sexy Is Naivete.

In Conversation You Can Use Timing, A Look, An Inflection. But On The Page All You Have Is Commas, Dashes, The Amount Of Syllables In A Word. When I Write, I Read Everything Out Loud To Get The Right Rhythm.

One [new York] Eatery Is A Remodeled Diner That Looks Like What Busby Berkeley Would Have Done If Only He Hadn't Had The Money.

I've Done The Calculation And Your Chances Of Winning The Lottery Are Identical Whether You Play Or Not.

I Wouldn't Say That I Dislike The Young. I'm Simply Not A Fan Of Naïveté.

Educational Television Should Be Absolutely Forbidden. It Can Only Lead To Unreasonable Disappointment When Your Child Discovers That The Letters Of The Alphabet Do Not Leap Up Out Of Books And Dance Around With Royal-blue Chickens.

I Walk A Lot In New York, Not For The Exercise But To Get From Place To Place, And Because It's The Way Of Having The Least Contact With Human Beings.

The French Probably Invented The Very Notion Of Discretion. It's Not That They Feel That What You Don't Know Won't Hurt You; They Feel That What You Don't Know Won't Hurt Them. To The French Lying Is Simply Talking.

I Never Wanted To Have Any Extra Money, If It Meant Having To Have Any Extra Work.

You Know, Almost Everyone Is An Irritant To Me. I Think People Have Forgotten What The Word 'public' Means. 'public' Means You're Going To Be Irritated. It's A Natural Consequence Of Leaving One's Home. You Go Outside, And There Are People Who Are Irritating. I'll Be Standing On The Sidewalk, And Someone Berates Me For Smoking. I Look At The Person And Think, But What About Your Shoes? How Can You Wear Shoes Like That And Have The Confidence To Accost Someone Like Me?

I Wish That Real Estate Were Cheaper And Clothes Were More Expensive.

Cold Soup Is A Very Tricky Thing And It Is A Rare Hostess Who Can Carry It Off. More Often Than Not The Dinner Guest Is Left With The Impression That Had He Only Come A Little Earlier He Could Have Gotten It While It Was Still Hot.

Whenever Someone Accuses Someone Of Being A Racist - Which Is Rare, You Have To Admit, Considering How Much Racism There Is - There Is An Incredible Outrage. I Realized That We Live In An Environment That It Seems To Be Worse To Call Someone A Racist Than To Be One.

What People Don't Know Is: Clothes Don't Really Fit You Unless They're Made For You. Especially When You Wear Men's Clothes, Like I Do. American Women Think That Clothes Fit Them If They Can Fit Into Them. But That's Not At All What Fit Means.

I Hate Writing. I Will Do Anything To Avoid It. The Only Way I Could Write Less Was If I Was Dead.

Your Grandparents Did Not Endure The Indignities Of A Steerage Journey To Ellis Island So That You Could Stand Outside A Discothèque And Beg A Wallpaper Designer To Take You In With Him.

When I Was Young, I Liked Romance. But To Me, Romance Is The Opposite Of Domestic Life. I Just Don't Want Anyone In The Apartment, Not For Longer Than A Few Hours.

I Have A Hard Time Writing. Most Writers Have A Hard Time Writing. I Have A Harder Time Than Most Because I'm Lazier Than Most. [...] The Other Problem I Have Is Fear Of Writing. The Act Of Writing Puts You In Confrontation With Yourself, Which Is Why I Think Writers Assiduously Avoid Writing. [...] Not Writing Is More Of A Psychological Problem Than A Writing Problem. All The Time I'm Not Writing I Feel Like A Criminal. [...] It's Horrible To Feel Felonious Every Second Of The Day. Especially When It Goes On For Years. It's Much More Relaxing Actually To Work.

Breakfast Cereals That Come In The Same Colors As Polyester Leisure Suits Make Oversleeping A Virtue.

Nothing Lasts. So It's My Belief, Yes, I Know A Lot Of The Things That We Liked Didn't Last, But Maybe Things We Don't Like, They're Also Not Going To Last. There Has Been Progress In My Lifetime. There Are Certainly Things That Are Better Than When I Was Young, And There Are Things That Are Worse. New York City, It's Worse. There's No Question.

You Can't Go Around Hoping That Most People Have Sterling Moral Characters. The Most You Can Hope For Is That People Will Pretend That They Do.

The Word Lady: Most Often Used To Describe Someone You Wouldn't Want To Talk To For Even Five Minutes.

When People Say, 'doesn't Gloria [vanderbilt] Look Great? She's 85.' I Say, 'yes, She Was A Raving Beauty When She Was 20,' That's The Key. Very Helpful.

I Stopped Taking Drugs When I Was 19, And Who Wants To Drive A Cab Around New York With Drugs In Their Car?

Cheese That Is Required By Law To Append The Word Food To Its Title Does Not Go Well With Red Wine Or Fruit.

Should You Be A Teenager Blessed With Uncommon Good Looks, Document This State Of Affairs By The Taking Of Photographs. It Is The Only Way Anyone Will Ever Believe You In Years To Come.

Food Is An Important Part Of A Balanced Diet.

The Effect Of Aids Was Like A War In A Minute Country. Like, In World War I, A Whole Generation Of Englishmen Died All At Once. And With Aids, A Whole Generation Of Gay Men Died Practically All At Once, Within A Couple Of Years.

I Don't Like To Read Nonfiction. To Me, Fact Is Something I Can Look Up.

Humility Is No Substitute For A Good Personality.

Writing Pornography Is Deadly, Nothing Duller. I Mean A Toll-taker Has A More Exciting Life Than A Pornographer.

The Conversational Overachiever Is Someone Whose Grasp Exceeds His Reach. This Is Possible But Not Attractive.

Writing Is So Hard. Why Would You Be A Writer If You Weren't Really Good At It? If You Could Be Anything Else, Why Would You Be A Writer?

I'd Like To Decide Who Comes Here. I'd Like To Be The Admissions Director Of New York.

The Most Common Error Made In Matters Of Appearance Is The Belief That One Should Disdain The Superficial And Let The True Beauty Of One's Soul Shine Through. If There Are Places On Your Body Where This Is A Possibility, You Are Not Attractive - You Are Leaking.

Without These Tourists, New York Would Be Fantastic. I Don't Want Them To Come. Stay Home!

Perhaps One Of The More Noteworthy Trends Of Our Time Is The Occupation Of Buildings Accompanied By The Taking Of Hostages. The Perpetrators Of These Deeds Are Generally Motivated By Political Grievance, Social Injustice, And The Deeply Felt Desire To See How They Look On Tv.

I Think Humor Is Warmer, And Wit Is Colder. Wit Is Judgment, Whereas Humor Invites Some Sort Of Response.

It Is, In Fact, Safe To Assume That, More Often Than Not, Life Imitates Craft, For Who Among Us Can Say That Our Experience Does Not More Closely Resemble A Macramé Plant Holder Than It Does A Painting By Seurat. When It Comes To Art, Life Is The Biggest Copycat In The Matter Of The Frame.

If Thine Enemy Offend Thee, Give His Child A Drum.

Special-interest Publications Should Realize That If They Are Attracting Enough Advertising And Readers To Make A Profit, The Interest Is Not So Special.

No One Earns $100 Million. You Steal $100 Million.

There Are Some Great Writers Who Are Great Talkers, But There Are More Great Writers Who Are Not Great Talkers. People Seem To Think There Is Some Connection Between Talking And Writing, But I Love To Talk And If There Were Some Connection Between The Two Of Them I Would Be The Most Prolific Writer In The History Of The World.

When I Saw A Phone On A Plane For The First Time, I Panicked ... I Thought People Were Going To Call Me.

Smoking Is, If Not My Life, Then At Least My Hobby. I Love To Smoke. Smoking Is Fun. Smoking Is Cool. Smoking Is, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult.

New York Was Always More Expensive Than The Other Places, Even When It Was Going Bankrupt. In Other Words, In 1971, New York Was Expensive For Someone With No Money. For Anyone.

Abandon The Search For Truth; Settle For A Good Fantasy

Nature Is By And Large To Be Found Out Of Doors, A Location Where, It Cannot Be Argued, There Are Never Enough Comfortable Chairs.

I've Never Had The Experience Of Being Edited And Never Will.

The Best Fame Is A Writer's Fame. It's Enough To Get A Table At A Good Restaurant, But Not Enough To Get You Interrupted When You Eat.

In Rome People Spend Most Of Their Time Having Lunch. And They Do It Very Well - Rome Is Unquestionably The Lunch Capital Of The World.

A Salad Is Not A Meal, It Is A Style.

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I Always Liked People Who Are Older. Of Course, Every Year It Gets Harder To Find Them.

There Are Two Kinds Of Music - Good Music And Bad Music. Good Music Is Music That I Want To Hear. Bad Music Is Music That I Don't Want To Hear.

I Drank My Lifetime Supply Of Alcohol And I Took My Lifetime Supply Of Drugs Between The Ages Of 15 And 19.

Bread That Must Be Sliced With An Axe Is Bread That Is Too Nourishing.

Raisins Are A Thing That Lasts, They Come In Small Boxes, And You Always Feel Like Eating Raisins, Even At Six In The Morning. A Raisin Is Always An Appropriate Snack.

All The Time I'm Not Writing I Feel Like A Criminal. It's Horrible To Feel Felonious Every Second Of The Day. It's Much More Relaxing To Actually Write.

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When Toni Morrison Said 'write The Book You Want To Read,' She Didn't Mean Everybody.

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I Used To Love To Write. As A Child I Used To Write All The Time. I Loved To Write Up Until The Second I Got My First Professional Writing Job. It Turns Out It's Not That I Hate To Write. I Hate, Simply, To Work.

I Hate, Simply, To Work. I Just Hate To Work, Period. I Am Profoundly Slothful. Practically Inert.

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I Hate Money. It Is Boring And It Is Arithmetic. The Two Things I Hate The Most.

You Should Make It Hard On Yourself To Write So You’re Easier To Read.

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Spilling Your Guts Is Just Exactly As Charming As It Sounds.

The Italians Are The Most Civilized People. And They're Very Warm. Basically, They're Jews With Great Architecture.

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I'm Not A Nervous Person. I'm Not Afraid To Be On Tv. I'm Only Afraid When I Write. When I'm At My Desk I Feel Like Most People Would Feel If They Went On Tv.

Don't Bother Discussing Sex With Small Children. They Rarely Have Anything To Add.

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It's Very Disheartening To Encounter A Fearful Twenty-one Year Old. They Haven't Earned The Right To Be That Afraid. It's Not Like We're Living In War-torn Bosnia Or Something.

Life Was Certainly More Entertaining When People Were Indulging Their Vices As Opposed To Going To Meetings To Indulge In A New Vice: Discussing Their Innermost Thoughts In Public.

What's The Point Of Being Young If You're Not Going To Make New Things, I Wonder?

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Most Writers Write Too Much. I Have The Exact Opposite Problem. I Feel I Could Write Almost Anything In A Paragraph. I Have A Natural Ability To Condense, And So I Often Think, "are You Kidding Me? Five Thousand Words? How Am I Gonna Make 5,000 Words Out Of That?"

They Know You Can't Get People To Stop Smoking, So They Develop A System Of Informants. That's The Whole Idea Of Second-hand Smoke, You Know. Make Second-hand Smoke Dangerous And Turn Everybody Against Smokers. Then They Say You Can't Even Smoke In A Bar - A Bar! - Because Bartenders Have A Right To A Smoke-free "workspace." Ah, Bartenders, Those Health Nuts.

By The Time Everyone Catches Up With You, You're Bored.

If You Live In New York And You Have A Guest Room, You Have Guests. So I Think It's Best Not To Have A Guest Room.

The Only Appropriate Response To The Question, 'can I Be Frank?' Is, 'yes, If I Can Be Barbara.

Civilised Adults Do Not Take Apple Juice With Dinner.

When You Reach A Certain Age, Suddenly There Are Lots Of People Younger Than You, Which Is Really Startling.

Smoking Is, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult. Many People Find Smoking Objectionable. I Myself Find Many - Even More - Things Objectionable. I Do Not Like Aftershave Lotion, Adults Who Roller-skate, Children Who Speak French, Or Anyone Who Is Unduly Tan. I Do Not, However, Go Around Enacting Legislation And Putting Up Signs.

Communism Requires Of Its Adherents That They Arise Early And Participate In A Strenuous Round Of Calisthenics. To Someone Who Wishes That Cigarettes Came Already Lit The Thought Of Such Exertion At An Hour When Decent People Are Just Nodding Off Is Thoroughly Abhorrent.

Any Artist Who Has That Quality Of Timelessness Has That Quality Because They Tell The Truth.

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Television Turned Out To Be Exactly As Bad As The Most Irritating And Pedantic Intellectuals Of The '50s Said It Was Going To Be.

If You Are A Dog And Your Owner Suggests That You Wear A Sweater Suggest That He Wear A Tail.

I Just Can't Smile At People For Money.

People Always Say "pop Culture." As If We Have Some High Culture To Distinguish It From.

There Were A Zillion Bad Jobs. That Doesn't Exist Any More. I Mean, I Could Wake Up One Afternoon With Zero Money And Know That By The End Of The Day, I Would Have Money.

In Fact, We Live In A Culture Where Intelligence, Exceptional Or Not, Is Reviled.

Children Are Much Less Annoying [than Adults] And They Never Start Trends.

The Other Day I Read That Last Year 58 Million Tourists Came To New York ... Where A Puny Eight Million People Are Trying To Live. Unless They Own A Hotel Chain, I Don't Think A Single One Of These Eight Million People Are Happy About This.

When Someone Asks, 'why Do You Think He's Not Calling Me?' There's Always One Answer - 'he's Not Interested.' There's Not Ever Any Other Answer.

Will Power Is Not Telling Anybody You Quit Smoking.

Nothing Succeeds Like Address.

Great People Talk About Ideas, Average People Talk About Things, And Small People Talk About Wine.

I Love Being In Love. I Don't Think Anything Compares With It, Though I Consider It Very Disruptive.

There's No Such Thing As Advice To The Lovelorn. If They Took Advice, They Wouldn't Be Lovelorn. You See, Advice And Lovelorn Don't Go Together. Because Advice Makes Love Sound Like Some Sort Of Cognitive Activity, But We Know That It Isn't. We All Know That It's Some Sort Of Horrible Chemical Reaction Over Which We Have Absolutely No Control. And That's Why Advice Doesn't Work.

Writers Get Exactly The Right Amount Of Fame: Just Enough To Get A Good Table In A Restaurant But Not Enough So That People Are Constantly Interrupting You While You're Eating Dinner.

Romantic Love Is Mental Illness. But It's A Pleasurable One. It's A Drug. It Distorts Reality, And That's The Point Of It. It Would Be Impossible To Fall In Love With Someone That You Really Saw. The Second You Meet Someone That You're Going To Fall In Love With You Deliberately Become A Moron. You Do This In Order To Fall In Love, Because It Would Be Impossible To Fall In Love With Any Human Being If You Actually Saw Them For What They Are.

Falling In Love

I Believe In Talent. I Know You're Not Supposed To Believe In That Anymore Because You're Supposed To Believe If You Just Work Hard You Can Do Anything. That's How You Succeed, Maybe. But Talent Is Something You're Born With. You Cannot Acquire It By Working Hard, And You Cannot Lose It By Lying Around Either.

Do Not Approach With Anything Even Resembling Assurance A Restaurant That Moves.

Do Not Elicit Your Child's Political Opinions. He Doesn't Know Any More Than You Do.

Political Opinions

It's Very Important Who The President Of The United States Is. America Is A Great Idea, So That's Why It's A Great Country.

You Can Be Nasty When You Are Young, But You Really Have To Be Older To Achieve Bitterness.

What's So Great Thing About Clothes Is That They're Artificial - You Can Lie, You Can Choose The Way You Look, Which Is Not True Of Natural Beauty. So If You're Naturally Beautiful, Wear What You Want, But That's 01% Of People. Most People Just Aren't Good Looking Enough To Wear What They Have On. They Should Change. They Should Get Some Slacks And A Nice Overcoat. Remember When The Style Was Incredibly Messy Hair? That's Great If You're A Model. But If You're Not A Model, You Would Look Better If You Washed Your Hair, Because You Are Not Beautiful.

New York Was Always More Expensive Than Any Other Place In The United States, But You Could Live In New York - And By New York, I Mean Manhattan. Brooklyn Was The Borough Of Grandparents. We Didn't Live Well. We Lived In These Horrible Places. But You Could Live In New York. And You Didn't Have To Think About Money Every Second.

Ask Your Child What He Wants For Dinner Only If He's Buying.

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I Woke Up At Five O'clock In The Morning With The Whole First Paragraph In My Head. Now, This Just Shows What A Slothful Person I Am: I Tried To Go Back To Sleep.

Children Are Rarely In The Position To Lend One A Truly Interesting Sum Of Money. There Are, However, Exceptions, And Such Children Are An Excellent Addition To Any Party.

Children Ask Better Questions Than Adults. "may I Have A Cookie?" "why Is The Sky Blue?" And "what Does A Cow Say?" Are Far More Likely To Elicit A Cheerful Response Than "where's Your Manuscript?" "why Haven't You Called?" And "who's Your Lawyer?"

People Have Been Cooking And Eating For Thousands Of Years, So If You Are The Very First To Have Thought Of Adding Fresh Lime Juice To Scalloped Potatoes Try To Understand That There Must Be A Reason For This.

If There Were, Say, Only 10 Percent Of The Hotels That Exist Now, There Would Be All These Apartments For People Who Live In New York, As Opposed To People Visiting New York. And Then All This Junk In The Theater, We Would No Longer Need The Kind Of Stuff That Tourists Like.

[friendships] Are Easy To Get Out Of Compared To Love Affairs, But They Are Not Easy To Get Out Of Compared To, Say, Jail.

If You Feel The Urge To Write, Just Lie Down And Read A Book: It Will Pass.

Frenchman: Germans With Good Food.

To Put It Rather Bluntly, I Am Not The Type Who Wants To Go Back To The Land; I Am The Type Who Wants To Go Back To The Hotel.

Designer Clothes Worn By Children Are Like Snowsuits Worn By Adults. Few Can Carry It Off Successfully.

Designer Clothes

Inhabitants Of Underdeveloped Nations And Victims Of Natural Disasters Are The Only People Who Have Ever Been Happy To See Soybeans.

[children Are] Like Talking Animals. Their Consciousness Is So Different From Ours That They Constitute A Different Species. They Don't Have To Be Particularly Interesting Children; Just The Fact That They Are Children Is Sufficient. They Don't Know What Anything Is, So They Have To Make It Up. No Matter How Dull They Are, They Still Have To Figure Things Out For Themselves.

Very Few People Possess True Artistic Ability. It Is Therefore Both Unseemly And Unproductive To Irritate The Situation By Making An Effort. If You Have A Burning, Restless Urge To Write Or Paint, Simply Eat Something Sweet And The Feeling Will Pass.

If You Removed All Of The Homosexuals And Homosexual Influence From What Is Generally Regarded As American Culture, You Would Pretty Much Be Left With Let's Make A Deal.

Donald Trump Is Not My Fault. You Can Blame Certain Things On Me, But Not Donald Trump.

Everything In Japan Is Hidden. Real Life Has An Unlisted Phone Number.

Generally Speaking, It Is Inhumane To Detain A Fleeting Insight.

Sleep Is Death Without The Responsibility.

Notoriously Insensitive To Subtle Shifts In Mood, Children Will Persist In Discussing The Color Of A Recently Sighted Cement-mixer Long After One's Own Interest In The Topic Has Waned.

I Always Make A Big Effort To Make A Distinction Between What Is Actually Worse Or What Is Just Worse About Not Being 21. Of Course, It's Much Worse Not To Be 21. This Is A Given. But There Are Things That Are Worse.

Large, Naked, Raw Carrots Are Acceptable As Food Only To Those Who Live In Hutches Eagerly Awaiting Easter.

A Community Is A Butcher And A Doctor, A Minister, A Town Troublemaker. A "community" Is Not A Bunch Of People United By Some Grievance. That's Just Self-righteousness - Incredibly Dangerous And Antidemocratic.

I Have The Exact Opposite Problem Of Every Writer I've Ever Met: Every Writer I've Ever Met Writes Things That Are Too Long, And They Have To Edit Them Down.

I Just Write When Fear Overtakes Me.

A Dog Who Thinks He Is A Man's Best Friend Is A Dog Who Obviously Has Never Met A Tax Lawyer.

Life Is Something To Do When You Can't Get To Sleep.

Whenever I Am Doing Anything Else, Which Is Most Of The Time, Even If It Is Not Something Like Robbing A Bank, I Feel Felonious. Writing Is What I'm Supposed To Be Doing.

Why Not Have Your First Baby At Sixty, When Your Husband Is Already Dead And Your Career Is Over? Then You Can Really Devote Yourself To It.

I Used To Buy All My Shirts At Brooks Brothers, But That Was Completely Ruined About 20 Years Ago. They Discontinued The Shirt I Liked. If I Had Only Known This - I Mean, If You're Going To Discontinue An Item That Thousands And Thousands Of People Buy, Announce It. Say, 'we Will No Longer Be Making Our Excellent Brooks Brothers Cotton Shirts That We Made For 5,000 Years. We're Going To Change Them In Some Awful Way. We're Alerting You So You Can Buy A Lifetime Supply.' Shirts Don't Go Bad, They're Not Peaches.

I Believe In Talking Behind Peoples' Backs. That Way, They Hear It More Than Once.

Presently It Appears That People Are Mainly Concerned With Being Well Rested. Those Capable Of Uninterrupted Sleep Are Much Admired. Unconsciousness Is In Great Demand. This Is The Day Of The Milligram.

The First Step In Having Any Successful War Is Getting People To Fight It.

What I Can't Be Is Monogamous. That Tends To Upset People. I Just Don't Like Domestic Life.

That I Am Totally Devoid Of Sympathy For, Or Interest In, The World Of Groups Is Directly Attributable To The Fact That My Two Greatest Needs And Desires - Smoking Cigarettes And Plotting Revenge - Are Basically Solitary Pursuits.

Contrary To What Many Of You May Imagine, A Career In Letters Is Not Without Its Drawbacks - Chief Among Them The Unpleasant Fact That One Is Frequently Called Upon To Sit Down And Write.

The Great Thing About New Jersey Is That It's Close To New York.

Marriage Entitles Women To The Protection Of A Strong Man Who Will Steady The Stepladder While They Paint The Kitchen Ceiling.

I Must Take Issue With The Term 'a Mere Child,' For It Has Been My Invariable Experience That The Company Of A Mere Child Is Infinitely Preferable To That Of A Mere Adult.

My Dream Writing Room Would Be The Imperial Library In Vienna.

Technological Innovation Has Done Great Damage ... To Eating Habits. Food Is Now Available In Such Unpleasant Forms That One Frequently Finds Smoking Between Courses To Be An Aid To Digestion.

There's Nothing Like Being Old To Be Sure Of Everything.

While It Is Undeniably True That People Love A Surprise, It Is Equally True That They Are Seldom Pleased To Suddenly And Without Warning Happen Upon A Series Of Prunes In What They Took To Be A Normal Loin Of Pork.

Modern Science Was Largely Conceived Of As An Answer To The Servant Problem And ... It Is Generally Practiced By Those Who Lack A Flair For Conversation.

China Is Not A Great Idea: Capitalism And A Dictator. It's Like The Two Worst Possible Things You Could Imagine Together. It's A Very Bad Idea.

I'm Very Lazy, I Hate To Work.

If You Can Stay In Love For More Than Two Years, You're On Something.

I Don't Like The Kind Of Country Living Where You Have To Help. I Like Country Living Where There Is Help.

Middle Class Was Defined By Having Certain Values And Only A Certain Amount Of Money. But This New Middle Class Seems To Have Absolutely No Values And An Unlimited Amount Of Money.

If You Read A Lot, Nothing Is As Great As You've Imagined. Venice Is - Venice Is Better.

[on Not Reading Newspapers:] If Something Important Happens, Your Mother Calls You.

Contrary To Popular Opinion, The Hustle Is Not A New Dance Step - It Is An Old Business Procedure.

Life Is So Absurd Now That It Is Almost Impossible To Be A Satirist In This Era.

London: A Place You Go To Get Bronchitis.

I Drove A Cab. But All The Girls I Knew When I Was Young Who Had To Work - There Were Rich Girls - But The Ones Who Had To Work Were Waitresses. Because You Could Always Get Shifts In A Restaurant.

There's Also The Idea In This Country [usa], It's Not Wholly New, But It's New In Its Kind Of Purity, In That You Have To Be Really Smart To Be Really Rich. I Always Say To People, The Reason People Believe This Is A) They've Never Met A Really Smart Person, And B) They've Never Met A Really Rich Person. I Have Met Both, And I Cannot See The Crossover. You Do Not Have To Be A Genius To Get Rich. You Have To Be Ruthless To Get Rich.

Think Before You Speak. Read Before You Think.

Calling A Taxi In Texas Is Like Calling A Rabbi In Iraq.

I Do Not Think Everyone Is Created Equal. In Fact, I Know They're Not. [the Constitution] Means That Everyone Should Have The Same Laws As Everyone Else. It Doesn't Mean That Everyone's As Smart Or As Cute Or As Lucky As Everyone Else.

Never Judge A Cover By Its Book.

I Doubt There's Ever Been A True Thing Said On Fox. Maybe The Weather Report, Maybe Not.

Do Not, On A Rainy Day, Ask Your Child What He Feels Like Doing, Because I Assure You That What He Feels Like Doing, You Won't Feel Like Watching.

I Am Not... Totally Unreceptive To Colour Providing It Makes Its Appearance Quietly, Deferentially, And Without Undue Fanfare.

A Hobby Is, Of Course, An Abomination, As Are All Consuming Interests And Passions That Do Not Lead Directly To Large, Personal Gain.

When It Comes To Sports I Am Not Particularly Interested. Generally Speaking, I Look Upon Them As Dangerous And Tiring Activities Performed By People With Whom I Share Nothing Except The Right To Trial By Jury.

I Could Not Possibly Be In A Relationship Now For More Than Six Days. When I Was Younger, I Might Have Said Six Months, Although I Think The Longest Relationship I Was Ever In Was Three Years.

Randomness Scares People. Religion Is A Way To Explain Randomness.

Twenty-four-hour Room Service Generally Refers To The Length Of Time That It Takes For The Club Sandwich To Arrive. This Is Indeeddisheartening, Particularly When You've Ordered Scrambled Eggs.

I Write So Slowly, I Could Write With My Own Blood And Not Hurt Myself.

I Think Writing For Me Has Always Been A Matter Of Fear. Writing Is Fear And Not Writing Is Fear. I Am Afraid Of Writing And Then I'm Afraid Of Not Writing.

The Thing You Love Right Away, Don't Do It, Because That's The Very Thing That's Going To Be Your Addiction For The Rest Of Your Life.

Rest Of Your Life

Things You Love

When We Were Young, We Knew Things. We Knew Basic History, Even As It Related To Fashion. Now, When Something Reappears, An 18 Year Old Has No Clue That It's A Revival. Despite The Fact That They're Almost Always Online They Don't Get References. I Think That's Part Of Why Visual Things Are Becoming So Derivative.

Writers Have Problems Writing Sex Scenes, Because Writing One Really Well Is Pornography.

Original Thought Is Like Original Sin: Both Happened Before You Were Born To People You Could Not Have Possibly Met.

Original Thought

It's Very Important When Making A Friend To Check And See If They Have A Private Plane. People Think A Good Personality Trait In A Friend Is Kindness Or A Sense Of Humor. No, In A Friend A Good Personality Trait Is A Gulfstream.

Tolerance Is Really A Better Thing Than Understanding. Because It Doesn't Agitate Against Human Nature.

In The Soviet Union, Capitalism Triumphed Over Communism. In This Country, Capitalism Triumphed Over Democracy.

Not Writing Is Probably The Most Exhausting Profession I've Ever Encountered.

I Had To Go On Tv With The President Of The Catholic League, Which Is Not An Official Organization At All, Just A Lot Of Catholics, Or Maybe It's Just This Guy. He Demanded To De-fund Art Completely And Argued That Taxpayers Should Not Pay For It. I Said People Who Represent The Catholic Church Shouldn't Talk About Taxes.

No One I Knew Talked About Money. It's Not An Area Of Interest.

It Is Not True That There Is Dignity In All Work. Some Jobs Are Definitely Better Than Others.

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