It Is Imperative When Flying Coach That You Restrain Any Tendency Toward The Vividly Imaginative. For Although It May Momentarily Appear To Be The Case, It Is Not At All Likely That The Cabin Is Entirely Inhabited By Crying Babies Smoking Inexpensive Domestic Cigars.

-Fran Lebowitz

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It Is Imperative When

Fran Lebowitz

Topic

Baby

Smoking

Flying

More From Fran Lebowitz

We Live In A Culture Where Everyone Is Perfectly Willing To Do This [to Make A Lot Of Money], And They're Just Looking For The Opportunity. Obviously, A Person Who Is Really Dumb Is Not Gonna Make A Zillion Dollars. But For A Person Who Is Really Smart, Really Smart, It's A Boring Pursuit. It's Not Endlessly Fascinating.

Smart

Opportunity

Dumb

A Hobby Is, Of Course, An Abomination, As Are All Consuming Interests And Passions That Do Not Lead Directly To Large, Personal Gain.

Passion

Hobbies

Gains

There Are Some Short Essays That Are Very Grave, And Most Contemporary Novels Are Lighter Than Air.

Air

Graves

Novel

If Your Sexual Fantasies Were Truly Of Interest To Others, They Would No Longer Be Fantasies.

Sex

Fantasy

Interest

I Believe That At Birth Everyone Gets The Capacity For A Certain Amount Of Drugs And Alcohol, Everyone The Same, You Can Do It All Between 15 And 19 Like I Did, Or You Can Stretch It Out Over 70 Years.

Believe

Years

Alcohol

You Sit Or Stand In The Subway, And You Look Around - I Do, Because I Don't Have A Phone So I'm Not Playing A Game - And You See People.

Phones

Games

People

Your Life Story Would Not Make A Good Book. Don't Even Try.

Book

Writing

Trying

If Thine Enemy Offend Thee, Give His Child A Drum.

Children

Giving

Enemy

That Which We Call Civilization Is Merely The Accumulated Debris Of A Chilling Number Of Bad Nights.

Night

Civilization

Numbers

I Hate All Jobs. I've Never Had A Job I Liked.

Whenever I Am Doing Anything Else, Which Is Most Of The Time, Even If It Is Not Something Like Robbing A Bank, I Feel Felonious. Writing Is What I'm Supposed To Be Doing.

Writing

Robbing

Feels

It Is Not True That There Is Dignity In All Work. Some Jobs Are Definitely Better Than Others.

Jobs

Dignity

Now The Culture Is Made Of Old Things, It's A Collage. Art Made Out Of Art Is Not Art. You're Supposed To Make Art Out Of Life.

Art

Old Things

Culture

When You Leave New York, You Are Astonished At How Clean The Rest Of The World Is. Clean Is Not Enough.

Funny

Travel

New York

Smoking Is, As Far As I'm Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult.

Maturity

Smoking

Adults

I Am Not Personally A Parent. But I Do Have Two Godchildren And Am Expecting A Third. I Am Naturally Concerned For Their Future. If I Ruled The World You Could Bet Your Boots That None Of Them Would Ever Set Their Eyes On Any Such Contraptions As Digital Clocks And Pocket Calculators. But Alas, I Do Not Rule The World And That, I Am Afraid, Is The Story Of My Life - Always A Godmother, Never A God.

Eye

Two

Parent

The Opposite Of Talking Isn't Listening. The Opposite Of Talking Is Waiting.

Inspirational

Funny

Hope

I Hate, Simply, To Work. I Just Hate To Work, Period. I Am Profoundly Slothful. Practically Inert.

Hate

Work

I Hate

I'm A Horrible Girlfriend. I Always Was. I'm Great At The Beginning, Because I Can Be Very Romantic.

Girlfriend

Because I Can

Very Romantic

When I Fly, I'm Never Afraid The Plane Is Going To Crash. But There Have Often Been Times When I Was Afraid It Wouldn't Crash. I Was Just Afraid It Was Going To Circle O'hare For The Rest Of My Life.

Breakfast Cereals That Come In The Same Colors As Polyester Leisure Suits Make Oversleeping A Virtue.

Food

Cereal

Color

I Woke Up At Five O'clock In The Morning With The Whole First Paragraph In My Head. Now, This Just Shows What A Slothful Person I Am: I Tried To Go Back To Sleep.

Morning

Sleep

Firsts

Communists All Seem To Wear Small Caps, A Look I Consider Better Suited To Tubes Of Toothpaste Than To People.

People

Looks

Communist

Nothing Lasts. So It's My Belief, Yes, I Know A Lot Of The Things That We Liked Didn't Last, But Maybe Things We Don't Like, They're Also Not Going To Last. There Has Been Progress In My Lifetime. There Are Certainly Things That Are Better Than When I Was Young, And There Are Things That Are Worse. New York City, It's Worse. There's No Question.

New York

Cities

Progress

My Other Hobby, Because I Just Love Any Job With A Gavel, Is Auctioneer. And I So Often Have Presided Over Charity Auctions In New York That Many Years Ago Sotheby's Sent Me My Own Gavel. Now, The Sotheby's Gavel Is Infinitely More Elegant--it Came In A Little Velvet Bag, With "sotheby's" Inscribed In Gold. It Hangs In My Library. I Feel That Everyone Has Occasion To Use A Gavel At Various Times Everyday, They Just Don't Think Of It.

Jobs

New York

Thinking

When I Was Young, I Liked Romance. But To Me, Romance Is The Opposite Of Domestic Life. I Just Don't Want Anyone In The Apartment, Not For Longer Than A Few Hours.

Opposites

Romance

Want

We Are All Born With A Rut Radar. Mine Is Finely Wired, A Little Oversensitive Maybe. Perhaps Just A Bit Hyperactive. Twenty Steady Boyfriends Before Turning 16, A New Best Friend 12 Times A Year, Switched College Majors Every Time I Met Someone Who Seemed Exactly Like The Sort Of Person I Really, Really Wanted To Be. I'm Not Fickle. I'm Just Never There Yet.

College

Years

Twenties

I Happen To Love A Good Run Almost As Much As Sex. Like Sex, There Are Often Times I Don't Think I'm Interested Until I'm Into It. Unlike Sex, I Do Have To Get Out Of Bed And Into The Elements. I Hate Leaving Bed.

Running

Sex

Hate

I've Never Had The Experience Of Being Edited And Never Will.

Edited

Romantic Love Is Mental Illness. But It's A Pleasurable One.

Funny Love

Best Love

Romantic Love

Modern Science Was Largely Conceived Of As An Answer To The Servant Problem And ... It Is Generally Practiced By Those Who Lack A Flair For Conversation.

Science

Answers

Problem

I Have Always Preferred The Company Of Older People. No One In The History Of The World Has Had Less Interest In The Young Than I Do. I Am Not Interested In What Young People Are Thinking. They're Thinking Less Than Old People, Of Course. I Mean, What Could They Be Thinking? And What Are They Doing? They're Doing The Same Stupid Things You Did.

Stupid

Mean

Thinking

Randomness Scares People. Religion Is A Way To Explain Randomness.

Atheist

People

Religion

Ask Your Child What He Wants For Dinner Only If He's Buying.

Life

Children

Humorous

No Animal Should Ever Jump Up On The Dining-room Furniture Unless Absolutely Certain That He Can Hold His Own In The Conversation.

Dog

Animal

Pet

If People Don't Hold Grudges, It Means They Just Don't Care What People Do.

Mean

People

Care

Scientists - The Crowd That For Dash And Style Make The General Public Look Like The Bloomsbury Set.

Style

Looks

Literature

If There Were, Say, Only 10 Percent Of The Hotels That Exist Now, There Would Be All These Apartments For People Who Live In New York, As Opposed To People Visiting New York. And Then All This Junk In The Theater, We Would No Longer Need The Kind Of Stuff That Tourists Like.

New York

People

Junk

A Community Is A Butcher And A Doctor, A Minister, A Town Troublemaker. A "community" Is Not A Bunch Of People United By Some Grievance. That's Just Self-righteousness - Incredibly Dangerous And Antidemocratic.

Doctors

Self

People

Spilling Your Guts Is Just Exactly As Charming As It Sounds.

Sound

Catchy

Charming

While Clothes With Pictures And/or Writing On Them Are Not Entirely An Invention Of The Modern Age, They Are An Unpleasant Indication Of The General State Of Things. ... I Mean, Be Realistic. If People Don't Want To Listen To You, What Makes You Think They Want To Hear From Your Sweater?

Writing

Mean

Thinking

I Have A Real Aversion To Machines. I Write With A Pen. Then I Read It To Someone Who Writes It Onto The Computer. What Are Those Computer Letters Made Of Anyway? Light? Too Insubstantial. Paper, You Can Feel It. A Pen. There's A Connection. A Pen Goes Exactly At Your Speed, Whereas That Machine Jumps. And Then, That Machine Is Waiting For You, Just Humming "uh-huh, Yes?

Real

Writing

Light

Any Artist Who Has That Quality Of Timelessness Has That Quality Because They Tell The Truth.

Artist

Quality

Telling The Truth

Radio News Is Bearable. This Is Due To The Fact That While The News Is Being Broadcast, The Disk Jockey Is Not Allowed To Talk.

Funny

Sarcastic

Humor

There Are Two Kinds Of Music - Good Music And Bad Music. Good Music Is Music That I Want To Hear. Bad Music Is Music That I Don't Want To Hear.

Two

Want

Kind

All The Time I'm Not Writing I Feel Like A Criminal. It's Horrible To Feel Felonious Every Second Of The Day. It's Much More Relaxing To Actually Write.

Writing

Criminals

Horrible

Anti-smoking Sentiment Has Replaced Middle-class Morality Entirely. The Smoker Has Taken The Place Of The Homosexual. Today You Hear People Say Things About Smokers That Used To Be Said About Homosexuals - They Pollute The Environment; You Don't Want Them Around Your Children.

Children

Taken

Class

Even When Freshly Washed And Relieved Of All Obvious Confections, Children Tend To Be Sticky.

Mom

Baby

Children

The Thing You Love Right Away, Don't Do It, Because That's The Very Thing That's Going To Be Your Addiction For The Rest Of Your Life.

Addiction

Rest Of Your Life

Things You Love

They Know You Can't Get People To Stop Smoking, So They Develop A System Of Informants. That's The Whole Idea Of Second-hand Smoke, You Know. Make Second-hand Smoke Dangerous And Turn Everybody Against Smokers. Then They Say You Can't Even Smoke In A Bar - A Bar! - Because Bartenders Have A Right To A Smoke-free "workspace." Ah, Bartenders, Those Health Nuts.

Hands

Nuts

Ideas

New Yorkers, We've Seen Donald Trump For, Like, 30 Years; We Know Who He Is. So He Wasn't A Surprise To Me.

Years

Surprise

Trump

The Truth Is That Most Families Have No Smart Ones And No Pretty Ones. Most Families Are A Bunch Of Unattractive Dopes. And It Turns Out That The Bush Family, Like Most Families, Has No Smart Ones. I Was Not Surprised To See This.

Smart

Dope

Unattractive

Japanese Food Is Very Pretty And Undoubtedly A Suitable Cuisine In Japan, Which Is Largely Populated By People Of Below Average Size. Hostesses Hell-bent On Serving Such Food To Occidentals Would Be Well Advised To Supplement It With Something More Substantial And To Keep In Mind That Almost Everybody Likes French Fries.

Food

Japan

Average

Tolerance Is Really A Better Thing Than Understanding. Because It Doesn't Agitate Against Human Nature.

Understanding

Tolerance

Human Nature

If You Live In New York And You Have A Guest Room, You Have Guests. So I Think It's Best Not To Have A Guest Room.

New York

Thinking

Guests

New York Was Always More Expensive Than Any Other Place In The United States, But You Could Live In New York - And By New York, I Mean Manhattan. Brooklyn Was The Borough Of Grandparents. We Didn't Live Well. We Lived In These Horrible Places. But You Could Live In New York. And You Didn't Have To Think About Money Every Second.

New York

Mean

Thinking

Vegetables Are Interesting But Lack A Sense Of Purpose When Unaccompanied By A Good Cut Of Meat.

Food

Cutting

Vegetables

People (a Group That In My Opinion Has Always Attracted An Undue Amount Of Attention) Have Often Been Likened To Snowflakes. This Analogy Is Meant To Suggest That Each Is Unique - No Two Alike. This Is Quite Patently Not The Case. People, Even At The Current Rate Of Inflation - In Fact, People Especially At The Current Rate Of Inflation - Are Quite Simply A Dime A Dozen. And, I Hasten To Add, Their Only Similarity To Snowflakes Resides In Their Invariably And Lamentable Tendency To Turn, After A Few Warm Days, To Slush.

Unique

Two

People

Think Before You Speak. Read Before You Think.

Inspirational

Wisdom

Book

I'm Not A Communist. I'm An American. I'm A Capitalist. I Mean, I'm Not A Very Good Capitalist, Myself. I'm Not Very Good At It, But It's Not That I'm Not For Capitalism. But People Who Believe In Things Like Corporate Citizenship, It's Idiotic. I Mean, It Shows You're An Idiot.

Believe

Mean

People

I Never Took Hallucinogenic Drugs Because I Never Wanted My Consciousness Expanded One Unnecessary Iota.

Drug

Consciousness

Unnecessary

Notoriously Insensitive To Subtle Shifts In Mood, Children Will Persist In Discussing The Color Of A Recently Sighted Cement-mixer Long After One's Own Interest In The Topic Has Waned.

Children

Color

Long

When We Were Young, We Knew Things. We Knew Basic History, Even As It Related To Fashion. Now, When Something Reappears, An 18 Year Old Has No Clue That It's A Revival. Despite The Fact That They're Almost Always Online They Don't Get References. I Think That's Part Of Why Visual Things Are Becoming So Derivative.

Fashion

Thinking

Clue

Never Allow Your Child To Call You By Your First Name. He Hasn't Known You Long Enough.

Children

Names

Long

The Only Appropriate Response To The Question, 'can I Be Frank?' Is, 'yes, If I Can Be Barbara.

Honesty

Barbara

Frank

If Food Did Not Exist It Would Be Well-nigh Impossible To Get Certain Types Off The Phone, As One Would Be Unable To Say, 'look, I've Got To Run But Let's Have Dinner Sometime Soon.'

Running

Phones

Dinner

As A Teenager You Are At The Last Stage In Your Life When You Will Be Happy To Hear That The Phone Is For You.

Inspirational

Motivational

Happiness

When Toni Morrison Said 'write The Book You Want To Read,' She Didn't Mean Everybody.

Book

Writing

Mean

You're Only As Good As Your Last Haircut.

Funny

Witty

Humorous

If You Don't Have Children And You Don't Have A Job, You Have Time For Friendship ... People Who Have Jobs Are Not The Best Friends To Have. It's Better To Be Friends With People Who Are Unemployed.

Friendship

Jobs

Children

I Hate Academic Mysteries. As Soon As I Come Across The Word 'don' And It's Not Someone's First Name, I Close The Book.

Hate

Book

Names

People Care More About Trends Now Than They Do About Style. They Get So Wrapped Up In What's Happening That They Forget How To Dress, And They Never Learn Who They Are Because They Never Learn How To Take Care Of Anything.

People

Style

Care

Your Responsibility As A Parent Is Never Great As The Case Is With The Mother.

Mother

Responsibility

Parent

Large, Naked, Raw Carrots Are Acceptable As Food Only To Those Who Live In Hutches Eagerly Awaiting Easter.

Funny

Easter

Food

No One's Supposed To Be The President. This Is Not England. And It's Not Just The Bush Family, All Families Designate Each Child As Having Some Particular Trait.

Children

President

England

Things That People Will Say To Me, Mostly, Is That You Shouldn't Have All These Books. It's Too Expensive.

Book

People

Expensive

If People Don't Want To Listen To You, What Makes You Think They Want To Hear From Your Sweater?

Thinking

Sweaters

People

In Rome People Spend Most Of Their Time Having Lunch. And They Do It Very Well - Rome Is Unquestionably The Lunch Capital Of The World.

Rome

Lunch

People

[on Parenthood:] You Can't Change Your Mind--you Know, And Say, This Isn't Working Out, Let's Sell.

Work Out

Mind

Parenthood

There's No Such Thing As Advice To The Lovelorn. If They Took Advice, They Wouldn't Be Lovelorn. You See, Advice And Lovelorn Don't Go Together. Because Advice Makes Love Sound Like Some Sort Of Cognitive Activity, But We Know That It Isn't. We All Know That It's Some Sort Of Horrible Chemical Reaction Over Which We Have Absolutely No Control. And That's Why Advice Doesn't Work.

Advice

Making Love

Together

The Second I Learned To Read In First Grade, When I Was 5, I Preferred It To Life. And I Still Do.

Reading

Firsts

Grades

While It Is Undeniably True That People Love A Surprise, It Is Equally True That They Are Seldom Pleased To Suddenly And Without Warning Happen Upon A Series Of Prunes In What They Took To Be A Normal Loin Of Pork.

Food

People

Pork

Favorite Animal: Steak.

Animal

Steak

I Stopped Taking Drugs When I Was 19, And Who Wants To Drive A Cab Around New York With Drugs In Their Car?

New York

Car

Drug

I'd Like To Decide Who Comes Here. I'd Like To Be The Admissions Director Of New York.

New York

Directors

Admission

There's Nothing Like Being Old To Be Sure Of Everything.

Being Old

Communism Requires Of Its Adherents That They Arise Early And Participate In A Strenuous Round Of Calisthenics. To Someone Who Wishes That Cigarettes Came Already Lit The Thought Of Such Exertion At An Hour When Decent People Are Just Nodding Off Is Thoroughly Abhorrent.

People

Wish

Abhorrent

No One I Knew Talked About Money. It's Not An Area Of Interest.

Interest

Areas

The Main Symptom Of Falling In Love Is That You Lose Your Intellectual Prowess.

Falling In Love

Sex

Love Is

In A Print Interview, As You May Or May Not Know, They [editors] Can Do Whatever They Want. And They Do. This Is Why Most People Are More Hesitant To Do Print, Because They Can Change It, And They Do Change It. They Even Change Things That Are In Quotation Marks, Which Is A Pet Peeve Of Mine. I've Said To Numerous Reporters, "would You Read Me Back My Direct Quotes?" And They Always Say No. They Always Say That's Against The Policy.

Editors

People

Pet

Life Is So Absurd Now That It Is Almost Impossible To Be A Satirist In This Era.

Eras

Impossible

Life Is

Do Not Elicit Your Child's Political Opinions. He Doesn't Know Any More Than You Do.

Children

Political Opinions

Knows

To Me The Outdoors Is What You Must Pass Through In Order To Get From Your Apartment Into A Taxicab.

Order

Apartment

I Think Humor Is Warmer, And Wit Is Colder. Wit Is Judgment, Whereas Humor Invites Some Sort Of Response.

Thinking

Judgment

Wit

Designer Clothes Worn By Children Are Like Snowsuits Worn By Adults. Few Can Carry It Off Successfully.

Children

Designer Clothes

Adults

Food Is Definitely Important Part Of Your Balanced Diet.

Important

Balanced

Balanced Diet

I Just Can't Smile At People For Money.

People

I, Unfortunately, Take The Subway A Lot. It's Not My Preference, But It Is My Lot In Life.

Subway

Preference

My Favorite Animal Is Steak.

Life

Food

Animal

When I Started Publishing, I Got Offers To Write For Big Magazines. But I Would Always Say, "well, It's Not That I Don't Want To Write For These Big Magazines, But You Can't Edit It."

Writing

Magazines

Want

The Good Thing About Being In Someone Else's Apartment Is It's So Much Easier To Leave Than It Is To Get Someone Out.

Good Things

Easier

Apartment

I Have A Hard Time Writing. Most Writers Have A Hard Time Writing. I Have A Harder Time Than Most Because I'm Lazier Than Most. [...] The Other Problem I Have Is Fear Of Writing. The Act Of Writing Puts You In Confrontation With Yourself, Which Is Why I Think Writers Assiduously Avoid Writing. [...] Not Writing Is More Of A Psychological Problem Than A Writing Problem. All The Time I'm Not Writing I Feel Like A Criminal. [...] It's Horrible To Feel Felonious Every Second Of The Day. Especially When It Goes On For Years. It's Much More Relaxing Actually To Work.

Writing

Hard Times

Thinking

Magazines All Too Frequently Lead To Books And Should Be Regarded By The Prudent As The Heavy Petting Of Literature.

Book

Magazines

Literature

I Hate Money. It Is Boring And It Is Arithmetic. The Two Things I Hate The Most.

Hate

Two

Boring

It's Very Important Who The President Of The United States Is. America Is A Great Idea, So That's Why It's A Great Country.

Country

America

Ideas

One Of The Big Mistakes They Made In Europe Is That The Circumstances In Which You Most Frequently Read Or Hear The Word "race" Or "racism" In Europe Applies To Muslims. Which Is Not A Race. It Is A Religion. You Can Convert To This. You Cannot Convert Your Race. I Could Become A Muslim. I Could Not Become A Chinese Person Or A Black Person. So They Constantly Use That In Europe.

Mistake

Race

Europe

Perhaps One Of The More Noteworthy Trends Of Our Time Is The Occupation Of Buildings Accompanied By The Taking Of Hostages. The Perpetrators Of These Deeds Are Generally Motivated By Political Grievance, Social Injustice, And The Deeply Felt Desire To See How They Look On Tv.

Political

Desire

Deeds

I Have A Hard Time Writing. Most Writers Have A Hard Time Writing. I Have A Harder Time Than Most Because I'm Lazier Than Most. I Don't Want To Brag, But I'm The Laziest Person I Have Ever Known.

Writing

Hard Times

Want

All God's Children Are Not Beautiful. Most Of God's Children Are, In Fact, Barely Presentable.

Funny

Beauty

Beautiful

Writing Is So Hard. Why Would You Be A Writer If You Weren't Really Good At It? If You Could Be Anything Else, Why Would You Be A Writer?

Writing

Hard

Ifs

Andy Warhol Made Fame More Famous.

Literature

Fame

Warhol

Democracy Is An Interesting, Even Laudable, Notion And There Is No Question But That When Compared To Communism, Which Is Too Dull, Or Fascism, Which Is Too Exciting, It Emerges As The Most Palatable Form Of Government.

Government

Interesting

Democracy

Your Responsibility As A Parent Is Not As Great As You Might Imagine. You Need Not Supply The World With The Next Conqueror Of Disease Or Major Motion Picture Star. If Your Child Simply Grows Up To Be Someone Who Does Not Use The Word "collectible" As A Noun, You Can Consider Yourself An Unqualified Success.

Stars

Children

Growing Up

Even When America Is Not Working That Well, It Still Works Better Than Other Places.

America

Wells

Stills

For The Movie Review Columns, I Always Knew Exactly What I Was Going To Write About - The Movies.

Writing

Columns

Reviews

To Put It Rather Bluntly, I Am Not The Type Who Wants To Go Back To The Land; I Am The Type Who Wants To Go Back To The Hotel.

Witty

Nature

Travel

In The Soviet Union, Capitalism Triumphed Over Communism. In This Country, Capitalism Triumphed Over Democracy.

Country

Democracy

Literature

I Write A Sentence A Thousand Times, Changing It All The Time To Look At It In Different Ways.

Writing

Different

Looks

I Always Make A Big Effort To Make A Distinction Between What Is Actually Worse Or What Is Just Worse About Not Being 21. Of Course, It's Much Worse Not To Be 21. This Is A Given. But There Are Things That Are Worse.

Effort

Bigs

Given

I Drank My Lifetime Supply Of Alcohol And I Took My Lifetime Supply Of Drugs Between The Ages Of 15 And 19.

Alcohol

Drug

Age

[children Are] Like Talking Animals. Their Consciousness Is So Different From Ours That They Constitute A Different Species. They Don't Have To Be Particularly Interesting Children; Just The Fact That They Are Children Is Sufficient. They Don't Know What Anything Is, So They Have To Make It Up. No Matter How Dull They Are, They Still Have To Figure Things Out For Themselves.

Children

Animal

Talking

I Hate Writing. I Will Do Anything To Avoid It. The Only Way I Could Write Less Was If I Was Dead.

Hate

Writing

Way

White Grapes Are Very Attractive But When It Comes To Dessert People Generally Like Cake With Icing.

Food

Cake

White

I Never Wanted To Have Any Extra Money, If It Meant Having To Have Any Extra Work.

Extra Work

Wanted

Extras

For Someone Such As Myself, Who Is Kind Of Feckless And Immature, It's Better To Have Rich Friends Than To Be Rich Yourself, Because Then You Have Wealth Without The Responsibility. You Get To Go To Their Houses, And You Get Acquainted With A Level Of Furniture That You Cannot Provide For Yourself. Furniture, I Think Is The Most Important Attribute Of Rich People.

Friends

Responsibility

Thinking

The 3 Questions Of Greatest Concern Are:, 1) Is It Attractive?, 2) Is It Amusing?, 3) Does It Know Its Place?

Doe

Amusing

Attractive

I Just Write When Fear Overtakes Me.

Writing

I've Never Seen The Kardashians; I'm Not Sure Who They Are. But I Know A Lot About Them Because It's Impossible Not To.

Impossible

Not Sure

Knows

Luckily When You Drive A Cab There Are Two Things: You Don't Have A Boss In The Cab With You, And You Are Not Facing The People That You Are Making Money From.

Two

People

Boss

Abandon The Search For Truth; Settle For A Good Fantasy

Fantasy

Bumper Sticker

Settling

Nothing Succeeds Like Address.

Addresses

Succeed

Dignity

Without These Tourists, New York Would Be Fantastic. I Don't Want Them To Come. Stay Home!

New York

Home

Tourists

You Should Make It Hard On Yourself To Write So You’re Easier To Read.

Writing

Easier

Should

Inhabitants Of Underdeveloped Nations And Victims Of Natural Disasters Are The Only People Who Have Ever Been Happy To See Soybeans.

Vegetables

People

Soybeans

A Salad Is Not A Meal, It Is A Style.

Style

Meals

Salad

People Are Constantly Telling Me, Whether They Are Friends Who Feel Sorry For Me, Because I Can't Find A Place To Live, Or Real Estate Agents, "you Can't Afford An Apartment The Size You Need With This Many Books. Why Don't You Just Put Some Of Your Books In Storage?" And I Always Say The Same Thing: "what If I Told You I Had Four Children? Would You Say, 'you Just Can't Afford To House Four Children. Why Don't You Just Put Two Of Them In Storage?'" That's How I Feel.

Children

Sorry

Real

In New York, People Are Very Overbooked.you Say, When Do You Want To Have Dinner? It's May. They Say, What About October? And Then They Complain: Oh You Can't Believe How Booked Up I Am.

New York

Believe

People

I Do Not Believe In God. I Believe In Cashmere.

Believe

Cashmere

I Believe

When People Say, 'doesn't Gloria [vanderbilt] Look Great? She's 85.' I Say, 'yes, She Was A Raving Beauty When She Was 20,' That's The Key. Very Helpful.

Keys

People

Looks

Once You Go Outside Your Natural Audience, There Are Tons Of People That Don't Like You.

People

Like You

Natural

I'm Like The Laziest Person Who Ever Lived. It's Amazing To Me I Even Sit Up.

Laziness

Persons

The Telephone Is A Good Way To Talk To People Without Having To Offer Them A Drink.

Humorous

Drinking

Memorable

Commercials And Sometimes Other Guests - It's The Down Side Of Tv. Other People - It's The Downside Of Life In General.

People

Guests

Sides

It Is Not True That There Is Dignity In All Work. Some Jobs Are Definitely Better Than Others.... People Who Have Good Jobs Are Happy, Rich, And Well Dressed. People Who Have Bad Jobs Are Unhappy, Poor And Use Meat Extenders. Those Who Seek Dignity In The Type Of Work That Compels Them To Help Hamburgers Are Certain To Be Disappointed.

Jobs

People

Unhappy

Rome Is A Very Loony City In Every Respect. One Needs But Spend An Hour Or Two There To Realize That Fellini Makes Documentaries.

Rome

Cities

Two

To Me, The Main Difference Between Young People Now And The People I Was Young With Isn't So Much Style, It's The Relationships They Have With Their Parents. Their Parents Like Them Much More Than Ours Liked Us. Our Parents Weren't Our Friends. But Now I See My Friends On The Phones With Their, What, 30 - Year - Old Kids? And They're Talking About Feelings.

Kids

People

Parent

When I Was Young, Boys Didn't Type.

Boys

Type

Young

Now People Need Special Costumes To Ride Bicycles. I Mean, A Helmet, What, Are You An Astronaut??

Mean

People

Special

I Have A Double Policy, Which Would Also Solve Immigration: I Would Stand At The Border Of New York City And I Would Say, "you Can Come Here To Live, But You Can't Come Here To Visit."

New York

Cities

Immigration

Humility Is No Substitute For A Good Personality.

Inspirational

Humility

Personality

I Am Alternately Very Gregarious - Very Sociable - And Then Very Solitary.

Gregarious

Solitary

Sociable

If You Want To Get Ahead In This World Get A Lawyer -- Not A Book.

Book

World

Want

The Conversational Overachiever Is Someone Whose Grasp Exceeds His Reach. This Is Possible But Not Attractive.

Talking

Literature

Attractive

Writers Get Exactly The Right Amount Of Fame: Just Enough To Get A Good Table In A Restaurant But Not Enough So That People Are Constantly Interrupting You While You're Eating Dinner.

People

Tables

Dinner

Girls Who Put Out Are Tramps. Girls Who Don't Are Ladies. This Is, However, A Rather Archaic Usage Of The Word. Should One Of You Boys Happen Upon A Girl Who Doesn't Put Out, Do Not Jump To The Conclusion That You Have Found A Lady. What You Have Probably Found Is A Lesbian.

Girl

Women

Gay

I Am Not... Totally Unreceptive To Colour Providing It Makes Its Appearance Quietly, Deferentially, And Without Undue Fanfare.

Fashion

Appearance

Colour

Smoking Is, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult. Many People Find Smoking Objectionable. I Myself Find Many - Even More - Things Objectionable. I Do Not Like Aftershave Lotion, Adults Who Roller-skate, Children Who Speak French, Or Anyone Who Is Unduly Tan. I Do Not, However, Go Around Enacting Legislation And Putting Up Signs.

Children

Speaks French

People

Polite Conversation Is Rarely Either.

Inspirational

Funny

Witty

I Don't Care If New York Avoided Bankruptcy By Substituting Tourism For The Garment Business.

New York

Tourism

Care

Original Thought Is Like Original Sin: Both Happened Before You Were Born To People You Could Not Have Possibly Met.

Women

People

Original Thought

Because Of The Internet Everybody Sees The Same Stuff. You Can Buy The Clothes Of New York, Even If You're Not Living There. So I Think That The Accessibility, In This Case, Drives Buying Choices More Than Anything Else.

Thinking

Choices

Internet

I Drove A Cab. But All The Girls I Knew When I Was Young Who Had To Work - There Were Rich Girls - But The Ones Who Had To Work Were Waitresses. Because You Could Always Get Shifts In A Restaurant.

Girl

Rich

Waitress

Life Is Something To Do When You Can't Get To Sleep.

Funny

Life

Happiness

Donald Trump Is Not My Fault. You Can Blame Certain Things On Me, But Not Donald Trump.

Faults

Blame

Trump

I Believe In Talent. I Know You're Not Supposed To Believe In That Anymore Because You're Supposed To Believe If You Just Work Hard You Can Do Anything. That's How You Succeed, Maybe. But Talent Is Something You're Born With. You Cannot Acquire It By Working Hard, And You Cannot Lose It By Lying Around Either.

Lying

Believe

Hard Work

Great People Talk About Ideas, Average People Talk About Things, And Small People Talk About Wine.

Wine

Average

Ideas

I Used To Love To Write. As A Child I Used To Write All The Time. I Loved To Write Up Until The Second I Got My First Professional Writing Job. It Turns Out It's Not That I Hate To Write. I Hate, Simply, To Work.

Jobs

Children

Hate

The Terrible State Of Public Education Has Paid Huge Dividends In Ignorance. Huge. We Now Have A Country That Can Be Told Blatant Lies - Easily Checkable, Blatant Lies - And I'm Not Talking About The Covert Workings Of The Cia. When We Have A Terrorist Attack, On September 11, 2001 With 19 Men - 15 Of Them Are Saudis - And Five Minutes Later The Whole Country Thinks They're From Iraq - How Can You Have Faith In The Public? This Is An Easily Checkable Fact. The Whole Country Is Like The O.j. Simpson Jurors.

Country

Lying

Ignorance

I Think One Manifestation Of Integrity Is Holding A Grudge. Saying No Is A Little Different. Holding A Grudge Is The Modern Equivalent Of Having Standards.

Integrity

Thinking

Different

There Are Too Many Books. The Books Are Terrible. And This Is Because You Have Been Taught To Have Self-esteem.

Self Esteem

Book

Taught

Romantic Love Is Mental Illness. But It's A Pleasurable One. It's A Drug. It Distorts Reality, And That's The Point Of It. It Would Be Impossible To Fall In Love With Someone That You Really Saw. The Second You Meet Someone That You're Going To Fall In Love With You Deliberately Become A Moron. You Do This In Order To Fall In Love, Because It Would Be Impossible To Fall In Love With Any Human Being If You Actually Saw Them For What They Are.

Broken Heart

Falling In Love

Love You

If You Feel The Urge To Write, Just Lie Down And Read A Book: It Will Pass.

Lying

Book

Writing

Technological Innovation Has Done Great Damage ... To Eating Habits. Food Is Now Available In Such Unpleasant Forms That One Frequently Finds Smoking Between Courses To Be An Aid To Digestion.

Smoking

Innovation

Done

Marriage Entitles Women To The Protection Of A Strong Man Who Will Steady The Stepladder While They Paint The Kitchen Ceiling.

Strong

Men

Kitchen

People Who Are Well-known, Famous People, I Think, Make Very Poor Characters For Fiction. They Make Good Characters For Gossip Columns. But Not For Fiction.

Character

Thinking

People

Writing Pornography Is Deadly, Nothing Duller. I Mean A Toll-taker Has A More Exciting Life Than A Pornographer.

Writing

Mean

Tolls

The First Step In Having Any Successful War Is Getting People To Fight It.

War

Fighting

Successful

The First People Who Died Of Aids Were Artists. They Were The Most Interesting People.

Artist

People

Interesting

Your Grandparents Did Not Endure The Indignities Of A Steerage Journey To Ellis Island So That You Could Stand Outside A Discothèque And Beg A Wallpaper Designer To Take You In With Him.

Journey

Islands

Grandparent

Never Judge A Cover By Its Book.

Book

Judging

Even If People Aren't Republicans, It Doesn't Seem Shocking To Them That Ronald Reagan Was The President. Well Of Course, Because Arnold Schwarzenegger Was The Governor! This Is Not Only A Bar Too Low, This Is No Bar At All. I Don't Care Who You Are, You Know 20 People Smarter Than Ronald Reagan. You Know 20 People Who Would Be A Better President Than Ronald Reagan.

People

President

Would Be

I Love Sleep Because It Is Both Pleasant And Safe To Use.

Sleep

Use

Safe

Contrary To What Many Of You May Imagine, A Career In Letters Is Not Without Its Drawbacks - Chief Among Them The Unpleasant Fact That One Is Frequently Called Upon To Sit Down And Write.

Writing

Careers

Letters

Smoking Is, If Not My Life, Then At Least My Hobby. I Love To Smoke. Smoking Is Fun. Smoking Is Cool. Smoking Is, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult.

Fun

Smoking

Adults

I Do Not Think Everyone Is Created Equal. In Fact, I Know They're Not. [the Constitution] Means That Everyone Should Have The Same Laws As Everyone Else. It Doesn't Mean That Everyone's As Smart Or As Cute Or As Lucky As Everyone Else.

Cute

Smart

Mean

Why Not Have Your First Baby At Sixty, When Your Husband Is Already Dead And Your Career Is Over? Then You Can Really Devote Yourself To It.

Baby

Husband

Careers

Instead Of Writing It Wrong Six Times And Then Writing It Right, I Think It Wrong Six Times And Then Write It Right The Seventh Time.

Writing

Thinking

Six

Knowingness Is Sexy. The Opposite Of Sexy Is Naivete.

Sexy

Women

Opposites

My Desire To Curtail Undue Freedom Of Speech Extends Only To Such Public Areas As Restaurants, Airports, Streets, Hotel Lobbies, Parks, And Department Stores. Verbal Exchanges Between Consenting Adults In Private Are As Of Little Interest To Me As They Probably Are To Them.

Airports

Hotel Lobby

Freedom Of Speech

Civilised Adults Do Not Take Apple Juice With Dinner.

Food

Apples

Adults

Writers Have Problems Writing Sex Scenes, Because Writing One Really Well Is Pornography.

Sex

Writing

Problem

If You're Going To America, Bring Your Own Food.

Travel

Women

Food

I Had To Go On Tv With The President Of The Catholic League, Which Is Not An Official Organization At All, Just A Lot Of Catholics, Or Maybe It's Just This Guy. He Demanded To De-fund Art Completely And Argued That Taxpayers Should Not Pay For It. I Said People Who Represent The Catholic Church Shouldn't Talk About Taxes.

Art

Organization

People

I Have The Exact Opposite Problem Of Every Writer I've Ever Met: Every Writer I've Ever Met Writes Things That Are Too Long, And They Have To Edit Them Down.

Writing

Opposites

Long

Do Not Approach With Anything Even Resembling Assurance A Restaurant That Moves.

Moving

Restaurants

Assurance

If You Are Truly Serious Abut Preparing Your Child For The Future, Don't Teach Him To Subtract Teach Him To Deduct.

Children

Literature

Serious

[on The Writers She Admires:] I Prefer Dead Writers, Because I Don't See Them At Parties.

Party

Admire

People Who Get Married Because They're In Love Make A Ridiculous Mistake. It Makes Much More Sense To Marry Your Best Friend. You Like Your Best Friend More Than Anyone You're Ever Going To Be In Love With. You Dont Choose Your Best Friend Because They Have A Cute Nose.

Cute

Mistake

Love You

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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