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[in Reference To Turkey Bowling] He [tommy] Squinted And Picked His Target, Then Took His Steps And Sent The Bird Sliding Down The Aisle. A Collective Gasp Rose From The Crew As The Fourteen-pound, Self-basting, Fresh-frozen Projectile Of Wholesome Savory Goodness Plowed Into The Soap Bottles Like A Freight Train Into A Chorus Line Of Drunken Grandmothers.

-Christopher Moore

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[in Reference To Turkey

Christopher Moore

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[in Reference To Turkey Bowling] He [tommy] Squinted And Picked His Target, Then Took His Steps And Sent The Bird Sliding Down The Aisle. A Collective Gasp Rose From The Crew As The Fourteen-pound, Self-basting, Fresh-frozen Projectile Of Wholesome Savory Goodness Plowed Into The Soap Bottles Like A Freight Train Into A Chorus Line Of Drunken Grandmothers.

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Hope Is Bulletproof, Truth Just Hard To Hit

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Just Because He Was Pretty Didn't Mean He Couldn't Be Improved By A Smack Upside The Head With A Piece Of Earnest Hickory

Like God's Own Chocolate, I'd Lick Her Shadow Off A Hot Sidewalk

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Routine Feeds The Illusion Of Safety.

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Children See Magic Because They Look For It.

Imagination Creativity

Do We Look Like Thrill-seekers? Wasn't It Enough That We Had To Put Up That Sign Reading No Habla Espanol And Acknowledge The Existence Of Thirty Percent Of The Population, Even In The Negative?

He Has The Attention Span Of A Hummingbird.

Ack! Parables. I Hate Parables.

It’s Like He Has This Power Over Me—like I Have An Eating Disorder And He’s A Package Of Oreo Double Stuff Cookies.

Eating Disorder

Yo, Yo, Yo, Check It Out," Said Pj, With Enough Hand Gestures That Any Deaf Person Watching Would Have Thought He Had Asl Tourette's Syndrome

Do We Still Have To Floss?" Tommy Asked. "i Mean, What's The Point Of Being Immortal If We Have To Floss?

He Always Had A Problem With The Purity Of Others. Never His Own.

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She's Evil. Evil, Evil, Evil. I Want To See Her Naked.

This Story Is Not And Never Was Meant To Challenge Anyone's Faith; However, If One's Faith Can Be Shaken By Stories In A Humorous Novel, One May Have A Bit More Praying To Do.

The Angel Has Confided In Me That He Is Going To Ask The Lord If He Can Become Spider-man. [...] The Children Need Heroes, He Says. I Think He Just Wants To Swing From Buildings In Tight Red Jammies.

I Could Stand On My Head And Flick The Bean Right There At The Dinner Table And My Mom Would Be All, "honey, Christmas Is Family Time, We Should Be Together" And Make Me Finish In Front Of Everyone.

... But To Remain Historically Accurate, I Would Have Had To Leave Out An Important Question That I Felt Needed To Be Addressed, Which Is, 'what If Jesus Had Known Kung Fu?

He Was A Writer And Words Were His Weapons.

Compliment But Do Not Covet.

Don't Bruise The Foo!

Enchantment And Seduction Were Fine Means Of Persuasion, But When Time Is Short, An Awkward But Quick Concussion Could Better Serve A Girl's Purpose.

It's Like Time Travel Only, You Know, Slower.

I'm Thinking Of Being A Professional Mourner. How Hard Can It Be? Tear At Your Hair, Sing A Dirge Or Two, Take The Rest Of The Week Off.

Life Is An Irritation.

An Original Thought Would Crack Your Feeble Skull Like A Thunderbolt, You Craven Vulture.

Original Thought

No Theory Ever Benefited By The Application Of Data, Amy. Data Kills Theories. A Theory Has No Better Time Than When It's Lying There Naked, Pure, Unsullied By Facts. Let's Just Keep It That Way For A While." "so You Don't Really Have A Theory?" "clueless." "you Lying Bag Of Fish Heads." "i Can Fire You, You Know. Even If Clay Was The One That Hired You, I'm Not Totally Superfluous To This Operation Yet. I'm Kind Of In Charge. I Can Fire You. Then How Will You Live?" "i'm Not Getting Paid." "see, Right There. Perfectly Good Concept Ruined By The Application Of Fact.

Even A Mentally Challenged Shark Would Figure Out That Sea Turtles Did Not Wear Boxer Shorts Printed In Flying Piggies, And No Sea Turtle Would Be Yattering Streams Of Obscenities Between Chain-smoker Gasps Of Breath.

Stephenie Meyer: Her Vampires Are Sparkly, Which I Think We Can All Agree Is Wrong.

Charlie Asher: Mrs. Ling, Is That Duck Wearing Trousers? Mrs. Ling: Could Be . . . . You Hear Of Paper-wrap Chicken? This Duck In Pants.

People Always Stay The Age That They Died At. My Big Brother Died Of Leukemia When I Was Six. He Was Eight. Now When I Think Of Him, He's Always Eight, And He's Still My Big Brother. He Never Changes, And The Part Of Me That Remembers Him Never Changes.

I Can Be Most Colorful And Inventive When I Am Angry.

And An Inky-colored Despair Of Rejection Enveloped Me Like The Black Tortilla Of Depression Around A Pain Burrito.

Action Based On Hope Just Felt Better Than The Paralysis Of Certainty.

From Dickens's Cockneys To Salinger's Phonies, From Kerouac's Beatniks To Cheech And Chong's Freaks, And On To Hip Hop's Homies, Dialect Has Always Been Used As A Way For Generations To Distinguish Themselves.

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Lonliness Evaporated Off Of Them Like The Steam Off Dry Ice, And By Morning It Was Just A Cloud On The Ceiling Of The Room, Then Gone With The Light.

When I Teach Seminars, I Tell People, Your Stuff Has To Look Like Something Thats Out There, Because Otherwise Nobody Will Take A Chance On You.

After All The Evidence Is In--after You've Run All The Facts By Everything You Know--and You're Still Lost, You Have To Do Some Things On Faith.

[in Reference To Turkey Bowling] He [tommy] Squinted And Picked His Target, Then Took His Steps And Sent The Bird Sliding Down The Aisle. A Collective Gasp Rose From The Crew As The Fourteen-pound, Self-basting, Fresh-frozen Projectile Of Wholesome Savory Goodness Plowed Into The Soap Bottles Like A Freight Train Into A Chorus Line Of Drunken Grandmothers.

I've Got To Think That That Was Unethical," Joshua Said. "josh, Faking Demonic Possession Is Like A Mustard Seed." "how Is It Like A Mustard Seed?" "you Don't Know, Do You? Doesn't Seem At All Like A Mustard Seed, Does It? Now You See How We All Feel When You Liken Things Unto A Mustard Seed? Huh?

Most Of Us Don't Live Our Lives With One, Integrated Self That Meets The World, We're A Whole Bunch Of Selves.

I Am Convinced By The Events Of The Last Few Weeks That Nefarious Forces Of People--unidentified But No Less Real--are Threatening Life As We Know It, And In Fact, May Be Bent On Unraveling The Very Fabric Of Our Existence.

So I Am Death" Charlie Said Then Turned To His Daughter While Buttering His Toast. "this Is Death Toast Sweety.

Like Last Year I Took Advance Foods Class (which Is Like Cooking For Nerds) After Lunch, And So I Usually Took A Nap. Which Was Fine, Because I'm Not Even Thrilled About Regular Foods, So, You Know, What Do I Need With Like Advanced Digital Hd Wi-fi Foods And Whatnot? -abby

It's Very Difficult To Stay Angry When A Room Full Of Bald Guys In Orange Robes Start Giggling. Buddhism.

The Gourney, The Big File Drawers Of The Dead, The Instruments Of Dissection - This Sure Looked Like The Morgues In The Movies. Something Had Gone Seriously Wrong While She Slept.

In Business, As In Politics, The Public Is Ever So Tolerant Of Those Who Slime.

What This Movie Needs Is More Brain Eating Zombies.

Inside, I Was Like: "ha, Suck My Spiky Rubber Strap-on, Vampyre Hunter!

Nothing Evokes The Prurient Like Puritanism.

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