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If You Have Come To These Pages For Laughter, May You Find It. If You Are Here To Be Offended, May Your Ire Rise And Your Blood Boil. If You Seek An Adventure, May This Song Sing You Away To Blissful Escape. If You Need To Test Or Confirm Your Beliefs, May You Reach Comfortable Conclusions. All Books Reveal Perfection, By What They Are Or What They Are Not. May You Find That Which You Seek, In These Pages Or Outside Them. May You Find Perfection, And Know It By Name.

-Christopher Moore

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If You Have Come

Christopher Moore

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If You Have Come To These Pages For Laughter, May You Find It. If You Are Here To Be Offended, May Your Ire Rise And Your Blood Boil. If You Seek An Adventure, May This Song Sing You Away To Blissful Escape. If You Need To Test Or Confirm Your Beliefs, May You Reach Comfortable Conclusions. All Books Reveal Perfection, By What They Are Or What They Are Not. May You Find That Which You Seek, In These Pages Or Outside Them. May You Find Perfection, And Know It By Name.

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Inside, I Was Like: "ha, Suck My Spiky Rubber Strap-on, Vampyre Hunter!

They Were Told What They Wanted And They Believed It. They Can Only Keep Their Dream Alive By Being With Others Like Themselves Who Will Mirror Their Illusions.

Advice, Then, Young Yeoman: When Referring To The King's Middle Daughter, State That She Is Fair, Speculate That She Is Pious, But Unless You'd Like To Spend Your Watch Looking For The Box Where Your Head Is Kept, Resist The Urge To Wax Ignorant On Her Naughty Bits." -pocket I Don't Know What That Means, Sir." -yeoman Speak Not Of Regan's Shaggacity, Son" [...] -pocket

She Knew It Should Bother Her More, Being Evil And All, But After She Put On A Little Mascara And Some Lipstick And Poured Herself Another Cup Of Blood-laced Coffee, She Found That She Was Okay With It.

Do We Look Like Thrill-seekers? Wasn't It Enough That We Had To Put Up That Sign Reading No Habla Espanol And Acknowledge The Existence Of Thirty Percent Of The Population, Even In The Negative?

Mr. Fresh Looked Up. "the Book Says If We Don't Do Our Jobs Everything Could Go Dark, Become Like The Underworld. I Don't Know What The Underworld Is Like, Mr. Asher, But I've Caught Some Of The Road Show From There A Couple Of Times, And I'm Not Interested In Finding Out. How 'bout You?" "maybe It's Oakland," Charlie Said. "what's Oakland?" "the Underworld." "oakland Is Not The Underworld!" "the Tenderloin?" Charlie Suggested.

He Has The Attention Span Of A Hummingbird.

Not Unlike The Toaster, I Control Darkness.

They Want To Be Tied Up, I Tie Them Up. They Want To Be Spanked, I Spank Them. They Want To Be Called Names, I Call Them Names. But Try And Drink A Little Of Their Blood, And They Scream Like Babies. What About My Needs?

When I Teach Seminars, I Tell People, Your Stuff Has To Look Like Something Thats Out There, Because Otherwise Nobody Will Take A Chance On You.

Which Is Why You Chose To Wear That Delightful Ensemble From The Skank-wear Collection At Hoes-n-thangs?" -tommy

We Know There's Going To Be Nothing But Pain, But We Go Back Again And Again.

Again And Again

Life Is Messy. Would That Every Puzzle Piece Fell Into Place, Every Word Was Kind, Every Accident Happy, But Such Is Not The Case. Life Is Messy

May The Irs Find That You Deduct Your Pet Sheep As An Entertainment Expense.

I've Won Satan's Lottery.

It's Hard For Me, A Jew, To Stay In The Moment. Without The Past, Where Is The Guilt? And Without The Future, Where Is The Dread? And Without Guilt And Dread, Who Am I?

Tommy Moved On. "lash, Your People Have Been Oppressed For Hundreds Of Years. It's Time To Strike Back. Look, You Don't Have Your Mba Yet - They Haven't Completely Juiced You Of Your Usefulness Yet. Would Martin Luther King Back Down From This Challenge? Malcolm X? James Brown? Don't You Have A Dream? Don't You Feel Good, Like You Knew That You Would, Now?

Charlie Asher: Mrs. Ling, Is That Duck Wearing Trousers? Mrs. Ling: Could Be . . . . You Hear Of Paper-wrap Chicken? This Duck In Pants.

Abby: I Could Be A Slave To Your Darkest Desires. I Can Do Things. Anything You Want. Tommy: Well, That's Terrific, Because We Have A Lot Of Laundry Piled Up And The Apartment Is A Wreck. Abby: Anything You Desire, My Lord. I Can Do Laundry, Clean, Bring You Small Creatures To Quench Your Thirst Until I Am Worthy.

Only By Being Prepared For Your Death Can You Ever Truly Live.

Children See Magic Because They Look For It.

Imagination Creativity

Boredom Can Be A Lethal Thing On A Small Island.

Ack! Parables. I Hate Parables.

Like Looking Down On A Lubricious Chess Set, Isn't It? The King Moves In Tiny Steps, With No Direction, Like A Drunkard Trying To Avoid The Archer's Bolt. The Others Work Their Strategies And Wait For The Old Man To Fall. He Has No Power, Yet All Power Moves In His Orbit And To His Mad Whim. Do You Know There's No Fool Piece On The Chessboard, Kent?" "methinks The Fool Is The Player, The Mind Above The Moves.

It Was Sometimes Difficult To Reconcile A Man's Talents With His Personality.

San Francisco Is A Breathtakingly Beautiful City, With Lots Of Great Contrasts Between Dark And Light, Often Overlapping Each Other. It's A Great Setting For A Horror Story.

In Business, As In Politics, The Public Is Ever So Tolerant Of Those Who Slime.

The Bat Was Looking At Theo And Theo Was Having Trouble Following His Own Thoughts.the Bat Was Wearing Tiny Sunglasses.ray Bans,theo Could See By The Trademark In The Corner Of One Lens."i'm Sorry, Mr.,uh- Case, Could You Take The Bat Off Your Head.it's Very Distracting." Him." Pardon?" It's A Him.roberto.he No Like The Light.

She's So Small, Yet She Contains So Much Evil.

...then He Looked At My T-shirt And Saw Byron's Picture On It And He Quoted "she Walks In Beauty," Which Is Like My Favorite Poem Next To The One By Baudelaire About His Girlfriend Being Nothing But Worm Food, Except That Lily Called That One First Because Baudelaire Is Her Fave Poet And So She Got The Shirt With Him On It, Even Though Byron Is Way More Scrumptious And I Would Do Him On Sharp Gravel If I Had The Chance. --from The Chronicles Of Abby Normal

Last Time I Really Got To Know Myself It Turned Out There Was A Whole Gang Of Bitches In There To Deal With. I Felt Like The Receptionist At A Rehab Center. They All Had Nice Tits Though, I Gotta Say.

Normally If I Met A Guy Who Was Unemployed And Illiterate Who Hadn't Bathed In A Couple Of Weeks, I'd Be Standing In A Puddle With Excitement, But I'm Sort Of In A Bad Mood Tonight, So Take This Bag And Give Me The Fu**ing Paper Before I Pop Your Head Like A Zit. He Said, You're A Lesbian, Aren't You?

In Fact, He Sorely Hoped That It Would Happen, Because Otherwise, The World Made No Sense, There Was No Justice, And Life Was Just A Tangled Ball Of Chaos.

You Want Me And I Want You. Right?" Who Did She Think She Was? You Can't Just Go Around Blurting Out The Truth Like A Prophet With Tourette's Syndrome. He Said, "well, I Guess. Yeah, That's Right.

The Netherworld Is Timeless And Unchanging, And Boring -- Much Like A Doctor's Waiting Room.

Moses Should Have Said "let My People Go. Please."

Whistler,' Manet Called. 'how's Your Mother?

I Think There Was Always Some Scrawny Dreamer Sitting At The Edge Of The Firelight, Who Had The Ability To Imagine Dangers, To Look Into The Future In His Imagination And See Possibilities, And Therefore Survived To Pass His Genes On To The Next Generation.

I Fink I Gots Deaf On Me Willie.

Hope Is Merely Another Face Of Desire.

Winter Near The Shore Is Cold. The Wind Kicks Up A Salty Mist And Elephant Seals Come To Shore To Trumpet And Rut And Birth Their Pups. Retired People Put Sweaters On Their Lap Dogs And Drag Them Down The Street On Retractable Leashes In A Nightly Parade Of Doggy Humiliation. Surfers Don Their Wetsuits Against The Chill Of Storm Waves And White Sharks Adjust Their Diets To Include Shrink-wrapped Dude-snacks On Fiberglass Crackers.

Confucius Is Like The Torah, Rules To Follow. And Lao-tzu Is Even More Conservative, Saying That If You Do Nothing You Won't Break Any Rules. You Have To Let Tradition Fall Sometime, You Have To Take Action, You Have To Eat Bacon.

What This Movie Needs Is More Brain Eating Zombies.

You're Going To Break My Heart, Aren't You?

Little-boy Love...the Cleanest Pain I've Ever Known. Love Without Desire, Conditions, Or Limits - A Pure And Radiant Glow In The Heart That Could Make Me Giddy And Sad And Glorious All At Once. Where Does It Go? Why, In All Their Experiments, Did The Magi Never Try To Capture That Purity In A Bottle? Perhaps They Couldn't.

I Could Stand On My Head And Flick The Bean Right There At The Dinner Table And My Mom Would Be All, "honey, Christmas Is Family Time, We Should Be Together" And Make Me Finish In Front Of Everyone.

Oh, I Get It," I Said. "it's A Parable. Cute. Let's Go Eat.

Like Last Year I Took Advance Foods Class (which Is Like Cooking For Nerds) After Lunch, And So I Usually Took A Nap. Which Was Fine, Because I'm Not Even Thrilled About Regular Foods, So, You Know, What Do I Need With Like Advanced Digital Hd Wi-fi Foods And Whatnot? -abby

Sweetheart, Wake Up; You've Destroyed The House And I Need You To Suffer For It.

So I Am Death" Charlie Said Then Turned To His Daughter While Buttering His Toast. "this Is Death Toast Sweety.

No One Knows Why, But Second Only To Eating The Brains Of The Living, The Dead Love Affordable Prefab Furniture.

Don't Drive Drunk. Ever. Don't Shag Anyone You Don't Like, Or Who Doesn't Like You. Get A Look At How People Live In A Place Where You Don't. Suffering Is Over-rated, Don't Pursue It. Ask For Help When You Need It, Don't When You Don't, And Learn To Recognize The Difference. Don't Confuse Movement And Progress. Be Kind. Be Forgiving. Pay Attention.

Enchantment And Seduction Were Fine Means Of Persuasion, But When Time Is Short, An Awkward But Quick Concussion Could Better Serve A Girl's Purpose.

Next Out Of The Hall Came The Sisters And Their Husbands. Before I Could Say Anything, The Captain Had Clamped His Hand Over My Mouth And Was Lifting Me Off My Feet As I Kicked. Cornwall Made As To Draw His Dagger, But Regan Pulled Him Away. "you've Just Won A Kingdom, My Duke, Killing Vermin Is A Servant's Task. Leave The Bitter Fool Stew In His Own Bile." She Wanted Me. It Was Clear.

I Wanted A Trumpet Concerto That Reflected Native American Music Because, Well, There Aren't Any. I Looked Around For One But Couldn't Find Anything. So It's A Wide-open Field.

Native American

Lonliness Evaporated Off Of Them Like The Steam Off Dry Ice, And By Morning It Was Just A Cloud On The Ceiling Of The Room, Then Gone With The Light.

Do We Still Have To Floss?" Tommy Asked. "i Mean, What's The Point Of Being Immortal If We Have To Floss?

As A Teacher Of Fourth-graders In A Public School, Where Corporal Punishement Was Not Allowed, She Had Years Of Violence Stored Up And Was, Truth Be Told, Sort Of Enjoying Letting It Out On Kona, Who She Felt Could Have Been The Poster Child For The Failure Of Public Education.

For A While He'd Tried Molding Himself Into The Tragic Romantic Hero, Brooding And Staring Clench-jawed Off Into Space As He Composed Dark Verse In His Head. But It Turned Out That Trying To Appear Tragic In Incontinence, Indiana, Was Redundant, And His Mother Kept Shouting At Him And Making Him Forget His Rhymes. "tommy, If You Keep Grinding Your Teeth Like That, They'll Wear Away And You'll Have To Have Dentures Like Aunt Ester." Tommy Only Wished His Beard Was As Heavy As Aunt Ester's---then He Could Stare Out Over The Moors While He Stroked It Pensively.

Nothing Evokes The Prurient Like Puritanism.

Charlie Had Sophie Strapped To His Chest Like A Terrorist Baby Bomb When He Came Down The Back Steps. She Had Just Gotten To The Point Where She Could Hold Up Her Head, So He Had Strapped Her In Face-out So She Could Look Around. The Way Her Arms And Legs Waved Around As Charlie Walked, She Looked As If She Was Skydiving And Using A Skinny Nerd As A Parachute.

Sometimes This High-tech World Calls For Low-tech Solutions.

You're Trying To Be Tricky. What's Morality?" "it's The Difference Between What's Right And What You Can Rationalize." "must Be A Human Thing." "exactly.

You Were Supposed To Empathize With Your Friend's Problem, But They Were, After All, Your Friend's Problems.

You Know, There's A 12 Step Program For Gambling. You Should Look Into That. Twelve Steps. Coyote Laughed. I'll Bet I Can Do It In Six.

Christmas Crept Into Pine Cove Like A Creeping Christmas Thing: Dragging Garland, Ribbon, And Sleigh Bells, Oozing Eggnog, Reeking Of Pine, And Threatening Festive Doom Like A Cold Sore Under The Mistletoe.

It’s Like He Has This Power Over Me—like I Have An Eating Disorder And He’s A Package Of Oreo Double Stuff Cookies.

Eating Disorder

He Loved Constantly, Instantly, Spontaneously, Without Thought Or Words. That's What He Taught Me. Love Is Not Something You Think About, It Is A State In Which You Dwell. That Was His Gift.

Everyone Is Happier If They Have Someone Else To Look Down On, As Well As Someone To Look Up To, Especially If They Resent Both.

People, Generally, Suck.

Anger Is The Spirits Telling You That You Are Alive.

From Dickens's Cockneys To Salinger's Phonies, From Kerouac's Beatniks To Cheech And Chong's Freaks, And On To Hip Hop's Homies, Dialect Has Always Been Used As A Way For Generations To Distinguish Themselves.

I'm Thinking Of Being A Professional Mourner. How Hard Can It Be? Tear At Your Hair, Sing A Dirge Or Two, Take The Rest Of The Week Off.

. . . You Seem Upset, Charlie. Is Something Wrong? Charlie: No, No, I’m Okay, I Just Had To Take Directions From A Mute Beaver In A Fez To Get Here, It’s Unsettling.

The Prospect Of Change Is A Many-fanged Beast, My Dear.

Life Is An Irritation.

If There Was Anything I Learned From John The Baptist, It Was That The Sooner You Confess A Mistake, The Quicker You Can Get On To Making New And Better Mistakes.

John The Baptist

Tommy Had Felt Alone In A Crowd Before, Even Inferior To Everyone In A Crowd, But Now He Felt, Well, Different. It Wasn't Just The Clothes And The Make Up, It Was The Humanity. He Wasn't Part Of It. Heightened Senses Or Not, He Felt Like He Had His Nose Pressed Against The Window, Looking In. The Problem Was, It Was The Window Of A Donut Shop.

He Was A Writer And Words Were His Weapons.

One Day The Good Times Had To Keep On Rolling, And All Of Life's Horseshit Would Turn To Circuses.

Then Someone Started Pounding On The Door. And Not A Little "hey, What's Up?" Pound. Like There Was A Big Sale On Door Pounds Down At The Pound Outlet. Buy One, Get One Free At Pounds-n-stuff. --being The Journal Of Abby Normal

She's Evil. Evil, Evil, Evil. I Want To See Her Naked.

She Doesn't Understand That A Writer Is A Special Creature--that I'm Different From Everyone Else. I'm Not Saying I'm Superior To Other People, Just More Sensitive, I Guess.

One Can't Be Free Without Action.

She Laughed. My Favorite Music.

It's Very Difficult To Stay Angry When A Room Full Of Bald Guys In Orange Robes Start Giggling. Buddhism.

For Me, 'lamb' Started Out As A Further Exploration Of The Phenomenon Of Faith And The Responsibility Of A Messiah That I Touched On In 'coyote Blue' And 'island Of The Sequined Love Nun,' But It Ended Up Being An Exploration Of The True Meaning Of Sacrifice, Loyalty, And Friendship.

If You Like What You're Reading, I Probably Wrote It.

Marry For Love, Stay Married, And Raise Happy Children Who Are Quick To Laugh And Slow To Judge.

It Was Watching Madeline Alby Eat Cheese With Every Ounce Of Her Being, Like It Was The First And Best Time, That Made Him Realize That He Had Never Really Tasted Cheese, Or Crackers, Or Life. And He Didn't Want His Daughter To Live That Way. He'd Moved Her Into Her Own Room The Night Before...he Hadn't Slept Well, And Had Gotten Up Five Times During The Night To Check On Her, Only To Find Her Sleeping Peacefully, But He Could Lose A Little Sleep If Sophie Could Go Through Life Without His Fears And Limitations. He Wanted Her To Experience All The Glorious Cheese Of Life.

That's The Difference Between Irony And Sarcasm. Irony Can Be Spontaneous, While Sarcasm Requires Volition. You Have To Create Sarcasm.

Actually, Orcas Aren't Quite As Complex As Scientists Imagine. Most Killer Whales Are Just Four Tons Of Doofus Dressed Up Like A Police Car.

Routine Feeds The Illusion Of Safety.

She Pulled Down The Blanket And Aimed Baby Sophie's Bottom At Him Like She Might Unleash A Fusillade Of Weapons-grade Poopage Such As The Guileless Beta Male Had Never Seen.

And He Was Like "the Sedative In The Blood, Blah, Blah, Four Hours, Blah, Blah, Nerdspeak, Geektalk -" -abby

...as If Someone Had Thrown A Hand Grenade Into The Middle Of A Teddy Bear Orgy And The Only Survivors Had Had Their Fur Blown Off.

Most Of Us Don't Live Our Lives With One, Integrated Self That Meets The World, We're A Whole Bunch Of Selves.

You Don't Hurry A Thinker, And You Don't Talk To Him When He's Thinking. It's Just Inconsiderate.

Pondering Is A Little Like Considering And A Little Like Thinking, But Looser. To Ponder, One Must Let The Facts Roll Around The Rim Of The Mind's Roulette Wheel, Coming To Settle In Whichever Slot They Feed Pulled To.

How Could You Deal With A Creature As Devious As Woman.

Carlton Mellick Iii Has The Craziest Book Titles And The Kinkiest Fans!

Love Is Not Something You Think About, It Is A State In Which You Dwell

. . . And So Charlie Asher . . . Led An Army Of Fourteen-inch-tall Bundles Of Animal Bits, Armed With Everything From Knitting Needles To A Spork, Into The Storm Sewers Of San Fransciso.

If You Think Anyone Is Sane You Just Don’t Know Enough About Them. The Key — And This Is Very Relevant In Our Case — Is To Find Someone Whose Insanity Dovetails With Your Own.

Cofishes-other Fish In A Group, Coworkers, Cohorts, Etc. Shut Up, It's A Word.

Don't Be Ridiculous, Charlie, People Love The Parents Who Beat Their Kids In Department Stores. It's The Ones Who Just Let Their Kids Wreak Havoc That Everybody Hates.

I've Got To Think That That Was Unethical," Joshua Said. "josh, Faking Demonic Possession Is Like A Mustard Seed." "how Is It Like A Mustard Seed?" "you Don't Know, Do You? Doesn't Seem At All Like A Mustard Seed, Does It? Now You See How We All Feel When You Liken Things Unto A Mustard Seed? Huh?

[in Reference To Turkey Bowling] He [tommy] Squinted And Picked His Target, Then Took His Steps And Sent The Bird Sliding Down The Aisle. A Collective Gasp Rose From The Crew As The Fourteen-pound, Self-basting, Fresh-frozen Projectile Of Wholesome Savory Goodness Plowed Into The Soap Bottles Like A Freight Train Into A Chorus Line Of Drunken Grandmothers.

Action Based On Hope Just Felt Better Than The Paralysis Of Certainty.

Yo, Yo, Yo, Check It Out," Said Pj, With Enough Hand Gestures That Any Deaf Person Watching Would Have Thought He Had Asl Tourette's Syndrome

We Really Have To Get Going," Sam Said. "can We Leave The Car Here And Pick It Up Later?" The Monk Said, "does A Dog Have A Buddha Nature?" Does A Fish Have A Watertight Asshole?" Said Coyote.

I Am Convinced By The Events Of The Last Few Weeks That Nefarious Forces Of People--unidentified But No Less Real--are Threatening Life As We Know It, And In Fact, May Be Bent On Unraveling The Very Fabric Of Our Existence.

I Think I'm What They Call A Never-was.

It's Like Time Travel Only, You Know, Slower.

An Original Thought Would Crack Your Feeble Skull Like A Thunderbolt, You Craven Vulture.

Original Thought

Compliment But Do Not Covet.

It Turns Out That One Can Perpetrate All Manner Of Heinous Villainy Under A Cloak Of Courtesy And Good Cheer. . .a Man Will Forfeit All Sensible Self-interest If He Finds You Affable Enough To Share Your Company Over A Flagon Of Ale.

You Sure About This Writer Thing Son?

Even A Mentally Challenged Shark Would Figure Out That Sea Turtles Did Not Wear Boxer Shorts Printed In Flying Piggies, And No Sea Turtle Would Be Yattering Streams Of Obscenities Between Chain-smoker Gasps Of Breath.

Don't Bruise The Foo!

Unless You Can Change The Past, You’re Wasting The Present On This Guilt

Stop," I Said. "please Do Not Further Endorken Yourself To Me. You Have Great Hair And A Car That Is Most Fly, And You Have Just Saved Me With Your Mad Ninja Driving Skills, So Do Not Sully Your Heroic Hottie Image In My Mind By Further Reciting Your Nerdy Scholastic Agenda. Don't Tell Me What You're Studying, Steve, Tell Me What's In Your Soul. What Haunts You?" And He Was Like, "dude, You Need To Cut Back On The Caffeine.

Faith Isn't An Act Of Intelligence, It's An Act Of Imagination.

Love: The Sickest Of Irony’s Sick Jokes. The Place Where Logic And Order Go To Die.

I Love You Above All Things, Even Pie.

He Always Had A Problem With The Purity Of Others. Never His Own.

Ooo Ahe-e, I Aya Oa A," She Said In Yawnspeak, A Language - Not Unlike Hawaiian - Known For Its Paucity Of Consonants.

Diogenes Carried A Bowl With Him For Years, But One Day Saw A Man Drinking From His Cupped Palm And Declared, ‘i Have Been A Fool, Burdened All These Years By The Weight Of A Bowl When A Perfectly Good Vessel Lay At The End Of My Wrist.

He Wanted Her To Experience All The Glorious Cheese Of Life.

Wet Towel Under The Door,' Said Barry. 'it's What You Do When You're Smoking Weed In A Hotel And You Don't Want Everyone Calling Security. You're Always Supposed To Have A Towel. I Read About It In A Guide For Hitchhiking Through The Galaxy.

That's A Horrible Plan." "yes, But I Have Chosen To Ignore That.

She Was An Alien, Really - A Sort Of Eating, Pooping, Tantrum Machine - And He Didn't Understand Anything About Her Species.

Perhaps There Is A Reason That There Is No Fool Piece On The Chessboard. What Action, A Fool? What Strategy, A Fool? What Use, A Fool? Ah, But A Fool Resides In A Deck Of Cards, A Joker, Sometimes Two. Of No Worth, Of Course. No Real Purpose. The Appearance Of A Trump, But None Of The Power: Simply An Instrument Of Chance. Only A Dealer May Give Value To The Joker.

People Always Stay The Age That They Died At. My Big Brother Died Of Leukemia When I Was Six. He Was Eight. Now When I Think Of Him, He's Always Eight, And He's Still My Big Brother. He Never Changes, And The Part Of Me That Remembers Him Never Changes.

That's The Scary Thing About Hope," She Said. "if You Let It Go Too Long It Turns Into Faith.

So Hey, Once Joshua Heals Your Brother, You Want To Go Do Something, Get Some Pomegranate Juice, A Falafel,or Get Married Or Something?

The Fact That 'a Dirty Job' Has Comedy And Supernatural Horror In It, That Both Are Woven In And Out Of It With A Whimsical Tone, Despite The Fact That It's About Death, Makes It Hard To Characterize With Standard Genre Labels - But I Have No Problem With That. I'd Call It A Funny Story About Death, And Leave It At That.

Foul And Magical Fumes Bubbled Out Of The Kettle, Like The Flatulence Of A Dragon On A Demon-only Diet.

Sarcasm Will Make Your Tits Fall Off.

She's So Obnoxious. Like A Whole Saturday Night Drunk Tank Full Of Obnoxious Packed Into One Little Body." Detective Cavuto

All Fear Comes From Trying To See The Future, Biff. If You Know What Is Coming, You Aren't Afraid.

Devil's Food?" You Can Only Eat So Much White Cake, My Friend.

It Was An Eight-harlot Inn, If That's How You Measure An Inn. (i Understand That Now They Measure Inns In Stars. We Are In A Four-star Inn Right Now. I Don't Know What The Conversion From Harlots To Stars Is.)

All Killer Whales Are Named Kevin. You Knew That, Right?

I Like A Girl With A Substantial Bottom,' Said Renoir, Drawing In The Air The Size Bottom He Preferred.

He Had Risked His Freedom And His Pride To Buy Her This, To Acknowledge That Part Of Her That Everyone Else Seemed To Want To Get Rid Of.

I Fear You May Become A Lonely Man, Even In The Company Of Others.

She Hugged Me And I Could Feel The Heat Rise In My Face, Either From Shame Or Love, Like There Was A Difference.

And I'll Have You Know That If You Hurt My Son Again, If He So Much As Sighs Sadly Over His Coffee, I Will Hire A Man, A Russian, Probably, To Hunt You Down And Rip All That Shiny Black Hair From Your Head, Then Break Your Skinny Arms And Legs, And Set You On Fire, And Then Put You Out With A Hammer. And Should There Be Children From Your Beastly Rutting, I Shall Have The Russian Man Cut Them To Tiny Pieces And Feed Them To Madame Jacob's Dog. Because, Although He May Be Only A Worthless, Simpleminded, Libertine Artist, Lucien Is My Favorite, And I Will Not Have Him Hurt. Do You Understand?

Just Because He Was Pretty Didn't Mean He Couldn't Be Improved By A Smack Upside The Head With A Piece Of Earnest Hickory

The Problem With Being Nuts, She Thought, Is That You Don't Always Feel As If You're Nuts. Sometimes, In Fact, You Feel Perfectly Sane, And There Just Happens To Be A Trailer-shaped Dragon Crouching In The Lot Next Door.

The Pursuit Of Material Gain Is Ultimately Empty When Measured Against Eternity.

It's About Average For Us. Behavior Always Draws More Than Survey. We're The Sexy Ones,' Nate Said With A Grin. Amy Snorted. 'oh, Yeah, You Guys Are The Mae Wests Of The Nerd World.' We're Action Nerds,' Nate Said. 'adventure Nerds. Nerds Of Romance.

It's Wildly Irritating To Have Invented Something As Revolutionary As Sarcasm, Only To Have It Abused By Amateurs.

The Gourney, The Big File Drawers Of The Dead, The Instruments Of Dissection - This Sure Looked Like The Morgues In The Movies. Something Had Gone Seriously Wrong While She Slept.

Why Write A Song When No One Can Play The Notes Or Understand The Lyrics?

It's Christmas! Ah, Christmas, The Time When All Good People Go About Not Decapitating Each Other.

I've Seen More Intelligence In The Crotch Lice Of Harem Whores.

And An Inky-colored Despair Of Rejection Enveloped Me Like The Black Tortilla Of Depression Around A Pain Burrito.

If They'd Been Dogs, They Would Have All Been In The Yard Eating Grass And Trying To Yak Up Whatever Was Making Them Feel So Lousy. Not A Bone Gnawed, Not A Ball Chased-all Tails Went Unwagged. Oh, Life Is A Fast Cat, A Short Leash, A Flea In That Place Where You Just Can't Scratch.

No Theory Ever Benefited By The Application Of Data, Amy. Data Kills Theories. A Theory Has No Better Time Than When It's Lying There Naked, Pure, Unsullied By Facts. Let's Just Keep It That Way For A While." "so You Don't Really Have A Theory?" "clueless." "you Lying Bag Of Fish Heads." "i Can Fire You, You Know. Even If Clay Was The One That Hired You, I'm Not Totally Superfluous To This Operation Yet. I'm Kind Of In Charge. I Can Fire You. Then How Will You Live?" "i'm Not Getting Paid." "see, Right There. Perfectly Good Concept Ruined By The Application Of Fact.

This Roberto. He No Like The Light.

As Much As I Encourage Communication With My Readers, I Don't Want Reviews From Them, Simply Because I Don't Need To Be Hamstrung In The Middle Of Working On Something.

Only Cops And Vampires Have To Have An Invitation To Enter.

Kayso, It Turns Out That Driving An Actual Car Is Way Harder Than It Is In 'grand Theft Auto: Zombie Hooker Smackdown.

I Can Be Most Colorful And Inventive When I Am Angry.

Chapter 8, Dinner With The Vampire: Is There Something Wrong With Your Food?" No, I'm Just Not Very Hungry." You're Going To Break My Heart, Aren't You?

He Invented Kung Fu When Translated To English Means Method By Which Short, Bald Guys Can Kick The Bejeezus Out Of You.

Well They're Pissed Off And They're Hungry. I Was Kind Of Busy Trying Not To Get My Brains Eaten. They Seemed Pretty Adamant About The Brain-eating Thing. Then They're Going To Ikea, I Guess

So Now You're Death: Here's What You'll Need

This Story Is Not And Never Was Meant To Challenge Anyone's Faith; However, If One's Faith Can Be Shaken By Stories In A Humorous Novel, One May Have A Bit More Praying To Do.

Stephenie Meyer: Her Vampires Are Sparkly, Which I Think We Can All Agree Is Wrong.

The Angel Has Confided In Me That He Is Going To Ask The Lord If He Can Become Spider-man. [...] The Children Need Heroes, He Says. I Think He Just Wants To Swing From Buildings In Tight Red Jammies.

Like God's Own Chocolate, I'd Lick Her Shadow Off A Hot Sidewalk

The Medium Obscured The Message.

If You Have Come To These Pages For Laughter, May You Find It. If You Are Here To Be Offended, May Your Ire Rise And Your Blood Boil. If You Seek An Adventure, May This Song Sing You Away To Blissful Escape. If You Need To Test Or Confirm Your Beliefs, May You Reach Comfortable Conclusions. All Books Reveal Perfection, By What They Are Or What They Are Not. May You Find That Which You Seek, In These Pages Or Outside Them. May You Find Perfection, And Know It By Name.

I Know That Even Now, Having Watched Enough Television, You Probably Won't Even Refer To Them As Lepers So As To Spare Their Feelings. You Probably Call Them 'parts-dropping-off Challenged' Or Something.

After All The Evidence Is In--after You've Run All The Facts By Everything You Know--and You're Still Lost, You Have To Do Some Things On Faith.

The Winter Woman Is As Wild As A Blizzard, As Fresh As New Snow. While Some See Her As Cold, She Has A Fiery Heart Under That Ice-queen Exterior. She Likes The Stark Simplicity Of Japanese Art And The Daring Complexity Of Russian Literature. She Prefers Sharp To Flowing Lines, Brooding To Pouting, And Rock And Roll To Country And Western. Her Drink Is Vodka, Her Car Is German, Her Analgesic Is Advil. The Winter Woman Likes Her Men Weak And Her Coffee Strong. She Is Prone To Anemia, Hysteria, And Suicide.

...she Is Too Beautiful, I Think, To Not Be Inherently Evil.

Shoes Off In The Whale! And Don't Try And Make A Break For The Anus.

Blessed Are The Meek, For To Them We Shall Say "attaboy".

Hope Is Bulletproof, Truth Just Hard To Hit

Words, Words, Words, A Million Million Words Circle In My Head Like Hawks, Waiting To Dive Onto The Page To Rend And Tear The Only Two Words I Want To Write. Why Me?

Theophilus Crowe's Mobile Phone Played Eight Bars Of "tangled Up In Blue" In An Irritating Electronic Voice That Sounded Like A Choir Of Suffering Houseflies, Or Jiminy Cricket Huffing Helium, Or, Well, You Know, Bob Dylan.

... But To Remain Historically Accurate, I Would Have Had To Leave Out An Important Question That I Felt Needed To Be Addressed, Which Is, 'what If Jesus Had Known Kung Fu?

This Is The Man Who Called The Fire Department When The Toilet Backed Up, And I'm Asking Him For Help. What Was I Thinking? Why Am I Attracted To Weak Men?

Like Most Beta Males, He Didn't Realize That Being A Good Guy Was Not Necessarily An Attraction To Women.

The Value Of The Work We Do Is The Value We Give To It.

...one Time You Take A Hundred Thousand Dollars And Let A Vampire Go, The Whole World Turns On You Like You're Some Kind Of Bad Guy.

We Ask The Gods For Answers And They Give Us Questions

What Is Your Name?" Asked Lear. Caius," Said Kent. And Whence Do You Hail?" From Bonking, Sire." Well, Yes, Lad, As Do We All," Said Lear, "but From What Town?

Angels Are Just Pretty Insects.

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