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And I'll Have You Know That If You Hurt My Son Again, If He So Much As Sighs Sadly Over His Coffee, I Will Hire A Man, A Russian, Probably, To Hunt You Down And Rip All That Shiny Black Hair From Your Head, Then Break Your Skinny Arms And Legs, And Set You On Fire, And Then Put You Out With A Hammer. And Should There Be Children From Your Beastly Rutting, I Shall Have The Russian Man Cut Them To Tiny Pieces And Feed Them To Madame Jacob's Dog. Because, Although He May Be Only A Worthless, Simpleminded, Libertine Artist, Lucien Is My Favorite, And I Will Not Have Him Hurt. Do You Understand?

-Christopher Moore

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And I'll Have You

Christopher Moore

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And I'll Have You Know That If You Hurt My Son Again, If He So Much As Sighs Sadly Over His Coffee, I Will Hire A Man, A Russian, Probably, To Hunt You Down And Rip All That Shiny Black Hair From Your Head, Then Break Your Skinny Arms And Legs, And Set You On Fire, And Then Put You Out With A Hammer. And Should There Be Children From Your Beastly Rutting, I Shall Have The Russian Man Cut Them To Tiny Pieces And Feed Them To Madame Jacob's Dog. Because, Although He May Be Only A Worthless, Simpleminded, Libertine Artist, Lucien Is My Favorite, And I Will Not Have Him Hurt. Do You Understand?

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Tommy Had Felt Alone In A Crowd Before, Even Inferior To Everyone In A Crowd, But Now He Felt, Well, Different. It Wasn't Just The Clothes And The Make Up, It Was The Humanity. He Wasn't Part Of It. Heightened Senses Or Not, He Felt Like He Had His Nose Pressed Against The Window, Looking In. The Problem Was, It Was The Window Of A Donut Shop.

He Has The Attention Span Of A Hummingbird.

She Doesn't Understand That A Writer Is A Special Creature--that I'm Different From Everyone Else. I'm Not Saying I'm Superior To Other People, Just More Sensitive, I Guess.

Next Out Of The Hall Came The Sisters And Their Husbands. Before I Could Say Anything, The Captain Had Clamped His Hand Over My Mouth And Was Lifting Me Off My Feet As I Kicked. Cornwall Made As To Draw His Dagger, But Regan Pulled Him Away. "you've Just Won A Kingdom, My Duke, Killing Vermin Is A Servant's Task. Leave The Bitter Fool Stew In His Own Bile." She Wanted Me. It Was Clear.

Inside, I Was Like: "ha, Suck My Spiky Rubber Strap-on, Vampyre Hunter!

Words, Words, Words, A Million Million Words Circle In My Head Like Hawks, Waiting To Dive Onto The Page To Rend And Tear The Only Two Words I Want To Write. Why Me?

Devil's Food?" You Can Only Eat So Much White Cake, My Friend.

I Think I'm What They Call A Never-was.

Only Cops And Vampires Have To Have An Invitation To Enter.

Cofishes-other Fish In A Group, Coworkers, Cohorts, Etc. Shut Up, It's A Word.

It's Wildly Irritating To Have Invented Something As Revolutionary As Sarcasm, Only To Have It Abused By Amateurs.

Love: The Sickest Of Irony’s Sick Jokes. The Place Where Logic And Order Go To Die.

I Fear You May Become A Lonely Man, Even In The Company Of Others.

Abby: I Could Be A Slave To Your Darkest Desires. I Can Do Things. Anything You Want. Tommy: Well, That's Terrific, Because We Have A Lot Of Laundry Piled Up And The Apartment Is A Wreck. Abby: Anything You Desire, My Lord. I Can Do Laundry, Clean, Bring You Small Creatures To Quench Your Thirst Until I Am Worthy.

If You Have Come To These Pages For Laughter, May You Find It. If You Are Here To Be Offended, May Your Ire Rise And Your Blood Boil. If You Seek An Adventure, May This Song Sing You Away To Blissful Escape. If You Need To Test Or Confirm Your Beliefs, May You Reach Comfortable Conclusions. All Books Reveal Perfection, By What They Are Or What They Are Not. May You Find That Which You Seek, In These Pages Or Outside Them. May You Find Perfection, And Know It By Name.

Last Time I Really Got To Know Myself It Turned Out There Was A Whole Gang Of Bitches In There To Deal With. I Felt Like The Receptionist At A Rehab Center. They All Had Nice Tits Though, I Gotta Say.

The Problem With Being Nuts, She Thought, Is That You Don't Always Feel As If You're Nuts. Sometimes, In Fact, You Feel Perfectly Sane, And There Just Happens To Be A Trailer-shaped Dragon Crouching In The Lot Next Door.

The Value Of The Work We Do Is The Value We Give To It.

This Roberto. He No Like The Light.

People Always Stay The Age That They Died At. My Big Brother Died Of Leukemia When I Was Six. He Was Eight. Now When I Think Of Him, He's Always Eight, And He's Still My Big Brother. He Never Changes, And The Part Of Me That Remembers Him Never Changes.

It’s Like He Has This Power Over Me—like I Have An Eating Disorder And He’s A Package Of Oreo Double Stuff Cookies.

Eating Disorder

Like God's Own Chocolate, I'd Lick Her Shadow Off A Hot Sidewalk

Ooo Ahe-e, I Aya Oa A," She Said In Yawnspeak, A Language - Not Unlike Hawaiian - Known For Its Paucity Of Consonants.

One Can't Be Free Without Action.

Just Because He Was Pretty Didn't Mean He Couldn't Be Improved By A Smack Upside The Head With A Piece Of Earnest Hickory

Don't Be Ridiculous, Charlie, People Love The Parents Who Beat Their Kids In Department Stores. It's The Ones Who Just Let Their Kids Wreak Havoc That Everybody Hates.

Mr. Fresh Looked Up. "the Book Says If We Don't Do Our Jobs Everything Could Go Dark, Become Like The Underworld. I Don't Know What The Underworld Is Like, Mr. Asher, But I've Caught Some Of The Road Show From There A Couple Of Times, And I'm Not Interested In Finding Out. How 'bout You?" "maybe It's Oakland," Charlie Said. "what's Oakland?" "the Underworld." "oakland Is Not The Underworld!" "the Tenderloin?" Charlie Suggested.

If You Think Anyone Is Sane You Just Don’t Know Enough About Them. The Key — And This Is Very Relevant In Our Case — Is To Find Someone Whose Insanity Dovetails With Your Own.

Little-boy Love...the Cleanest Pain I've Ever Known. Love Without Desire, Conditions, Or Limits - A Pure And Radiant Glow In The Heart That Could Make Me Giddy And Sad And Glorious All At Once. Where Does It Go? Why, In All Their Experiments, Did The Magi Never Try To Capture That Purity In A Bottle? Perhaps They Couldn't.

I Love You Above All Things, Even Pie.

She's Evil. Evil, Evil, Evil. I Want To See Her Naked.

You Know, There's A 12 Step Program For Gambling. You Should Look Into That. Twelve Steps. Coyote Laughed. I'll Bet I Can Do It In Six.

Like Last Year I Took Advance Foods Class (which Is Like Cooking For Nerds) After Lunch, And So I Usually Took A Nap. Which Was Fine, Because I'm Not Even Thrilled About Regular Foods, So, You Know, What Do I Need With Like Advanced Digital Hd Wi-fi Foods And Whatnot? -abby

The Angel Has Confided In Me That He Is Going To Ask The Lord If He Can Become Spider-man. [...] The Children Need Heroes, He Says. I Think He Just Wants To Swing From Buildings In Tight Red Jammies.

It's Very Difficult To Stay Angry When A Room Full Of Bald Guys In Orange Robes Start Giggling. Buddhism.

[in Reference To Turkey Bowling] He [tommy] Squinted And Picked His Target, Then Took His Steps And Sent The Bird Sliding Down The Aisle. A Collective Gasp Rose From The Crew As The Fourteen-pound, Self-basting, Fresh-frozen Projectile Of Wholesome Savory Goodness Plowed Into The Soap Bottles Like A Freight Train Into A Chorus Line Of Drunken Grandmothers.

I've Got To Think That That Was Unethical," Joshua Said. "josh, Faking Demonic Possession Is Like A Mustard Seed." "how Is It Like A Mustard Seed?" "you Don't Know, Do You? Doesn't Seem At All Like A Mustard Seed, Does It? Now You See How We All Feel When You Liken Things Unto A Mustard Seed? Huh?

Sometimes This High-tech World Calls For Low-tech Solutions.

Nothing Evokes The Prurient Like Puritanism.

An Original Thought Would Crack Your Feeble Skull Like A Thunderbolt, You Craven Vulture.

Original Thought

I Think There Was Always Some Scrawny Dreamer Sitting At The Edge Of The Firelight, Who Had The Ability To Imagine Dangers, To Look Into The Future In His Imagination And See Possibilities, And Therefore Survived To Pass His Genes On To The Next Generation.

Sarcasm Will Make Your Tits Fall Off.

He Wanted Her To Experience All The Glorious Cheese Of Life.

They Want To Be Tied Up, I Tie Them Up. They Want To Be Spanked, I Spank Them. They Want To Be Called Names, I Call Them Names. But Try And Drink A Little Of Their Blood, And They Scream Like Babies. What About My Needs?

Not Unlike The Toaster, I Control Darkness.

...then He Looked At My T-shirt And Saw Byron's Picture On It And He Quoted "she Walks In Beauty," Which Is Like My Favorite Poem Next To The One By Baudelaire About His Girlfriend Being Nothing But Worm Food, Except That Lily Called That One First Because Baudelaire Is Her Fave Poet And So She Got The Shirt With Him On It, Even Though Byron Is Way More Scrumptious And I Would Do Him On Sharp Gravel If I Had The Chance. --from The Chronicles Of Abby Normal

Diogenes Carried A Bowl With Him For Years, But One Day Saw A Man Drinking From His Cupped Palm And Declared, ‘i Have Been A Fool, Burdened All These Years By The Weight Of A Bowl When A Perfectly Good Vessel Lay At The End Of My Wrist.

It Was An Eight-harlot Inn, If That's How You Measure An Inn. (i Understand That Now They Measure Inns In Stars. We Are In A Four-star Inn Right Now. I Don't Know What The Conversion From Harlots To Stars Is.)

I Know That Even Now, Having Watched Enough Television, You Probably Won't Even Refer To Them As Lepers So As To Spare Their Feelings. You Probably Call Them 'parts-dropping-off Challenged' Or Something.

And An Inky-colored Despair Of Rejection Enveloped Me Like The Black Tortilla Of Depression Around A Pain Burrito.

The Bat Was Looking At Theo And Theo Was Having Trouble Following His Own Thoughts.the Bat Was Wearing Tiny Sunglasses.ray Bans,theo Could See By The Trademark In The Corner Of One Lens."i'm Sorry, Mr.,uh- Case, Could You Take The Bat Off Your Head.it's Very Distracting." Him." Pardon?" It's A Him.roberto.he No Like The Light.

He Was A Writer And Words Were His Weapons.

Hope Is Merely Another Face Of Desire.

I Wanted A Trumpet Concerto That Reflected Native American Music Because, Well, There Aren't Any. I Looked Around For One But Couldn't Find Anything. So It's A Wide-open Field.

Native American

We Really Have To Get Going," Sam Said. "can We Leave The Car Here And Pick It Up Later?" The Monk Said, "does A Dog Have A Buddha Nature?" Does A Fish Have A Watertight Asshole?" Said Coyote.

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From Dickens's Cockneys To Salinger's Phonies, From Kerouac's Beatniks To Cheech And Chong's Freaks, And On To Hip Hop's Homies, Dialect Has Always Been Used As A Way For Generations To Distinguish Themselves.

Shoes Off In The Whale! And Don't Try And Make A Break For The Anus.

Even A Mentally Challenged Shark Would Figure Out That Sea Turtles Did Not Wear Boxer Shorts Printed In Flying Piggies, And No Sea Turtle Would Be Yattering Streams Of Obscenities Between Chain-smoker Gasps Of Breath.

In Business, As In Politics, The Public Is Ever So Tolerant Of Those Who Slime.

Normally If I Met A Guy Who Was Unemployed And Illiterate Who Hadn't Bathed In A Couple Of Weeks, I'd Be Standing In A Puddle With Excitement, But I'm Sort Of In A Bad Mood Tonight, So Take This Bag And Give Me The Fu**ing Paper Before I Pop Your Head Like A Zit. He Said, You're A Lesbian, Aren't You?

Stop," I Said. "please Do Not Further Endorken Yourself To Me. You Have Great Hair And A Car That Is Most Fly, And You Have Just Saved Me With Your Mad Ninja Driving Skills, So Do Not Sully Your Heroic Hottie Image In My Mind By Further Reciting Your Nerdy Scholastic Agenda. Don't Tell Me What You're Studying, Steve, Tell Me What's In Your Soul. What Haunts You?" And He Was Like, "dude, You Need To Cut Back On The Caffeine.

He Loved Constantly, Instantly, Spontaneously, Without Thought Or Words. That's What He Taught Me. Love Is Not Something You Think About, It Is A State In Which You Dwell. That Was His Gift.

...one Time You Take A Hundred Thousand Dollars And Let A Vampire Go, The Whole World Turns On You Like You're Some Kind Of Bad Guy.

She's So Obnoxious. Like A Whole Saturday Night Drunk Tank Full Of Obnoxious Packed Into One Little Body." Detective Cavuto

Pondering Is A Little Like Considering And A Little Like Thinking, But Looser. To Ponder, One Must Let The Facts Roll Around The Rim Of The Mind's Roulette Wheel, Coming To Settle In Whichever Slot They Feed Pulled To.

Chapter 8, Dinner With The Vampire: Is There Something Wrong With Your Food?" No, I'm Just Not Very Hungry." You're Going To Break My Heart, Aren't You?

When I Teach Seminars, I Tell People, Your Stuff Has To Look Like Something Thats Out There, Because Otherwise Nobody Will Take A Chance On You.

I Could Stand On My Head And Flick The Bean Right There At The Dinner Table And My Mom Would Be All, "honey, Christmas Is Family Time, We Should Be Together" And Make Me Finish In Front Of Everyone.

Carlton Mellick Iii Has The Craziest Book Titles And The Kinkiest Fans!

You're Going To Break My Heart, Aren't You?

The Pursuit Of Material Gain Is Ultimately Empty When Measured Against Eternity.

Then Someone Started Pounding On The Door. And Not A Little "hey, What's Up?" Pound. Like There Was A Big Sale On Door Pounds Down At The Pound Outlet. Buy One, Get One Free At Pounds-n-stuff. --being The Journal Of Abby Normal

Charlie Asher: Mrs. Ling, Is That Duck Wearing Trousers? Mrs. Ling: Could Be . . . . You Hear Of Paper-wrap Chicken? This Duck In Pants.

One Day The Good Times Had To Keep On Rolling, And All Of Life's Horseshit Would Turn To Circuses.

Charlie Had Sophie Strapped To His Chest Like A Terrorist Baby Bomb When He Came Down The Back Steps. She Had Just Gotten To The Point Where She Could Hold Up Her Head, So He Had Strapped Her In Face-out So She Could Look Around. The Way Her Arms And Legs Waved Around As Charlie Walked, She Looked As If She Was Skydiving And Using A Skinny Nerd As A Parachute.

Anger Is The Spirits Telling You That You Are Alive.

You Don't Hurry A Thinker, And You Don't Talk To Him When He's Thinking. It's Just Inconsiderate.

Wet Towel Under The Door,' Said Barry. 'it's What You Do When You're Smoking Weed In A Hotel And You Don't Want Everyone Calling Security. You're Always Supposed To Have A Towel. I Read About It In A Guide For Hitchhiking Through The Galaxy.

Life Is Messy. Would That Every Puzzle Piece Fell Into Place, Every Word Was Kind, Every Accident Happy, But Such Is Not The Case. Life Is Messy

So Now You're Death: Here's What You'll Need

Do We Look Like Thrill-seekers? Wasn't It Enough That We Had To Put Up That Sign Reading No Habla Espanol And Acknowledge The Existence Of Thirty Percent Of The Population, Even In The Negative?

Confucius Is Like The Torah, Rules To Follow. And Lao-tzu Is Even More Conservative, Saying That If You Do Nothing You Won't Break Any Rules. You Have To Let Tradition Fall Sometime, You Have To Take Action, You Have To Eat Bacon.

Like Looking Down On A Lubricious Chess Set, Isn't It? The King Moves In Tiny Steps, With No Direction, Like A Drunkard Trying To Avoid The Archer's Bolt. The Others Work Their Strategies And Wait For The Old Man To Fall. He Has No Power, Yet All Power Moves In His Orbit And To His Mad Whim. Do You Know There's No Fool Piece On The Chessboard, Kent?" "methinks The Fool Is The Player, The Mind Above The Moves.

Ack! Parables. I Hate Parables.

Christmas Crept Into Pine Cove Like A Creeping Christmas Thing: Dragging Garland, Ribbon, And Sleigh Bells, Oozing Eggnog, Reeking Of Pine, And Threatening Festive Doom Like A Cold Sore Under The Mistletoe.

I Can Be Most Colorful And Inventive When I Am Angry.

Children See Magic Because They Look For It.

Imagination Creativity

...she Is Too Beautiful, I Think, To Not Be Inherently Evil.

The Medium Obscured The Message.

Stephenie Meyer: Her Vampires Are Sparkly, Which I Think We Can All Agree Is Wrong.

Action Based On Hope Just Felt Better Than The Paralysis Of Certainty.

It Turns Out That One Can Perpetrate All Manner Of Heinous Villainy Under A Cloak Of Courtesy And Good Cheer. . .a Man Will Forfeit All Sensible Self-interest If He Finds You Affable Enough To Share Your Company Over A Flagon Of Ale.

How Could You Deal With A Creature As Devious As Woman.

Like Most Beta Males, He Didn't Realize That Being A Good Guy Was Not Necessarily An Attraction To Women.

If You Like What You're Reading, I Probably Wrote It.

We Ask The Gods For Answers And They Give Us Questions

Foul And Magical Fumes Bubbled Out Of The Kettle, Like The Flatulence Of A Dragon On A Demon-only Diet.

Oh, I Get It," I Said. "it's A Parable. Cute. Let's Go Eat.

Everyone Is Happier If They Have Someone Else To Look Down On, As Well As Someone To Look Up To, Especially If They Resent Both.

This Story Is Not And Never Was Meant To Challenge Anyone's Faith; However, If One's Faith Can Be Shaken By Stories In A Humorous Novel, One May Have A Bit More Praying To Do.

I Like A Girl With A Substantial Bottom,' Said Renoir, Drawing In The Air The Size Bottom He Preferred.

If They'd Been Dogs, They Would Have All Been In The Yard Eating Grass And Trying To Yak Up Whatever Was Making Them Feel So Lousy. Not A Bone Gnawed, Not A Ball Chased-all Tails Went Unwagged. Oh, Life Is A Fast Cat, A Short Leash, A Flea In That Place Where You Just Can't Scratch.

I've Seen More Intelligence In The Crotch Lice Of Harem Whores.

No One Knows Why, But Second Only To Eating The Brains Of The Living, The Dead Love Affordable Prefab Furniture.

If There Was Anything I Learned From John The Baptist, It Was That The Sooner You Confess A Mistake, The Quicker You Can Get On To Making New And Better Mistakes.

John The Baptist

Tommy Moved On. "lash, Your People Have Been Oppressed For Hundreds Of Years. It's Time To Strike Back. Look, You Don't Have Your Mba Yet - They Haven't Completely Juiced You Of Your Usefulness Yet. Would Martin Luther King Back Down From This Challenge? Malcolm X? James Brown? Don't You Have A Dream? Don't You Feel Good, Like You Knew That You Would, Now?

. . . You Seem Upset, Charlie. Is Something Wrong? Charlie: No, No, I’m Okay, I Just Had To Take Directions From A Mute Beaver In A Fez To Get Here, It’s Unsettling.

What This Movie Needs Is More Brain Eating Zombies.

Boredom Can Be A Lethal Thing On A Small Island.

No Theory Ever Benefited By The Application Of Data, Amy. Data Kills Theories. A Theory Has No Better Time Than When It's Lying There Naked, Pure, Unsullied By Facts. Let's Just Keep It That Way For A While." "so You Don't Really Have A Theory?" "clueless." "you Lying Bag Of Fish Heads." "i Can Fire You, You Know. Even If Clay Was The One That Hired You, I'm Not Totally Superfluous To This Operation Yet. I'm Kind Of In Charge. I Can Fire You. Then How Will You Live?" "i'm Not Getting Paid." "see, Right There. Perfectly Good Concept Ruined By The Application Of Fact.

She Laughed. My Favorite Music.

Well They're Pissed Off And They're Hungry. I Was Kind Of Busy Trying Not To Get My Brains Eaten. They Seemed Pretty Adamant About The Brain-eating Thing. Then They're Going To Ikea, I Guess

I Fink I Gots Deaf On Me Willie.

Angels Are Just Pretty Insects.

And I'll Have You Know That If You Hurt My Son Again, If He So Much As Sighs Sadly Over His Coffee, I Will Hire A Man, A Russian, Probably, To Hunt You Down And Rip All That Shiny Black Hair From Your Head, Then Break Your Skinny Arms And Legs, And Set You On Fire, And Then Put You Out With A Hammer. And Should There Be Children From Your Beastly Rutting, I Shall Have The Russian Man Cut Them To Tiny Pieces And Feed Them To Madame Jacob's Dog. Because, Although He May Be Only A Worthless, Simpleminded, Libertine Artist, Lucien Is My Favorite, And I Will Not Have Him Hurt. Do You Understand?

Enchantment And Seduction Were Fine Means Of Persuasion, But When Time Is Short, An Awkward But Quick Concussion Could Better Serve A Girl's Purpose.

And He Was Like "the Sedative In The Blood, Blah, Blah, Four Hours, Blah, Blah, Nerdspeak, Geektalk -" -abby

Which Is Why You Chose To Wear That Delightful Ensemble From The Skank-wear Collection At Hoes-n-thangs?" -tommy

All Fear Comes From Trying To See The Future, Biff. If You Know What Is Coming, You Aren't Afraid.

The Gourney, The Big File Drawers Of The Dead, The Instruments Of Dissection - This Sure Looked Like The Morgues In The Movies. Something Had Gone Seriously Wrong While She Slept.

That's The Difference Between Irony And Sarcasm. Irony Can Be Spontaneous, While Sarcasm Requires Volition. You Have To Create Sarcasm.

They Were Told What They Wanted And They Believed It. They Can Only Keep Their Dream Alive By Being With Others Like Themselves Who Will Mirror Their Illusions.

He Had Risked His Freedom And His Pride To Buy Her This, To Acknowledge That Part Of Her That Everyone Else Seemed To Want To Get Rid Of.

I'm Thinking Of Being A Professional Mourner. How Hard Can It Be? Tear At Your Hair, Sing A Dirge Or Two, Take The Rest Of The Week Off.

. . . And So Charlie Asher . . . Led An Army Of Fourteen-inch-tall Bundles Of Animal Bits, Armed With Everything From Knitting Needles To A Spork, Into The Storm Sewers Of San Fransciso.

The Prospect Of Change Is A Many-fanged Beast, My Dear.

He Invented Kung Fu When Translated To English Means Method By Which Short, Bald Guys Can Kick The Bejeezus Out Of You.

Theophilus Crowe's Mobile Phone Played Eight Bars Of "tangled Up In Blue" In An Irritating Electronic Voice That Sounded Like A Choir Of Suffering Houseflies, Or Jiminy Cricket Huffing Helium, Or, Well, You Know, Bob Dylan.

She Hugged Me And I Could Feel The Heat Rise In My Face, Either From Shame Or Love, Like There Was A Difference.

Only By Being Prepared For Your Death Can You Ever Truly Live.

It's Hard For Me, A Jew, To Stay In The Moment. Without The Past, Where Is The Guilt? And Without The Future, Where Is The Dread? And Without Guilt And Dread, Who Am I?

In Fact, He Sorely Hoped That It Would Happen, Because Otherwise, The World Made No Sense, There Was No Justice, And Life Was Just A Tangled Ball Of Chaos.

This Is The Man Who Called The Fire Department When The Toilet Backed Up, And I'm Asking Him For Help. What Was I Thinking? Why Am I Attracted To Weak Men?

It Was Watching Madeline Alby Eat Cheese With Every Ounce Of Her Being, Like It Was The First And Best Time, That Made Him Realize That He Had Never Really Tasted Cheese, Or Crackers, Or Life. And He Didn't Want His Daughter To Live That Way. He'd Moved Her Into Her Own Room The Night Before...he Hadn't Slept Well, And Had Gotten Up Five Times During The Night To Check On Her, Only To Find Her Sleeping Peacefully, But He Could Lose A Little Sleep If Sophie Could Go Through Life Without His Fears And Limitations. He Wanted Her To Experience All The Glorious Cheese Of Life.

As A Teacher Of Fourth-graders In A Public School, Where Corporal Punishement Was Not Allowed, She Had Years Of Violence Stored Up And Was, Truth Be Told, Sort Of Enjoying Letting It Out On Kona, Who She Felt Could Have Been The Poster Child For The Failure Of Public Education.

It's About Average For Us. Behavior Always Draws More Than Survey. We're The Sexy Ones,' Nate Said With A Grin. Amy Snorted. 'oh, Yeah, You Guys Are The Mae Wests Of The Nerd World.' We're Action Nerds,' Nate Said. 'adventure Nerds. Nerds Of Romance.

Sweetheart, Wake Up; You've Destroyed The House And I Need You To Suffer For It.

What Is Your Name?" Asked Lear. Caius," Said Kent. And Whence Do You Hail?" From Bonking, Sire." Well, Yes, Lad, As Do We All," Said Lear, "but From What Town?

He Always Had A Problem With The Purity Of Others. Never His Own.

She Knew It Should Bother Her More, Being Evil And All, But After She Put On A Little Mascara And Some Lipstick And Poured Herself Another Cup Of Blood-laced Coffee, She Found That She Was Okay With It.

You Sure About This Writer Thing Son?

It's Christmas! Ah, Christmas, The Time When All Good People Go About Not Decapitating Each Other.

People, Generally, Suck.

The Fact That 'a Dirty Job' Has Comedy And Supernatural Horror In It, That Both Are Woven In And Out Of It With A Whimsical Tone, Despite The Fact That It's About Death, Makes It Hard To Characterize With Standard Genre Labels - But I Have No Problem With That. I'd Call It A Funny Story About Death, And Leave It At That.

She's So Small, Yet She Contains So Much Evil.

Unless You Can Change The Past, You’re Wasting The Present On This Guilt

Winter Near The Shore Is Cold. The Wind Kicks Up A Salty Mist And Elephant Seals Come To Shore To Trumpet And Rut And Birth Their Pups. Retired People Put Sweaters On Their Lap Dogs And Drag Them Down The Street On Retractable Leashes In A Nightly Parade Of Doggy Humiliation. Surfers Don Their Wetsuits Against The Chill Of Storm Waves And White Sharks Adjust Their Diets To Include Shrink-wrapped Dude-snacks On Fiberglass Crackers.

You Were Supposed To Empathize With Your Friend's Problem, But They Were, After All, Your Friend's Problems.

That's A Horrible Plan." "yes, But I Have Chosen To Ignore That.

Yo, Yo, Yo, Check It Out," Said Pj, With Enough Hand Gestures That Any Deaf Person Watching Would Have Thought He Had Asl Tourette's Syndrome

For A While He'd Tried Molding Himself Into The Tragic Romantic Hero, Brooding And Staring Clench-jawed Off Into Space As He Composed Dark Verse In His Head. But It Turned Out That Trying To Appear Tragic In Incontinence, Indiana, Was Redundant, And His Mother Kept Shouting At Him And Making Him Forget His Rhymes. "tommy, If You Keep Grinding Your Teeth Like That, They'll Wear Away And You'll Have To Have Dentures Like Aunt Ester." Tommy Only Wished His Beard Was As Heavy As Aunt Ester's---then He Could Stare Out Over The Moors While He Stroked It Pensively.

Don't Drive Drunk. Ever. Don't Shag Anyone You Don't Like, Or Who Doesn't Like You. Get A Look At How People Live In A Place Where You Don't. Suffering Is Over-rated, Don't Pursue It. Ask For Help When You Need It, Don't When You Don't, And Learn To Recognize The Difference. Don't Confuse Movement And Progress. Be Kind. Be Forgiving. Pay Attention.

Advice, Then, Young Yeoman: When Referring To The King's Middle Daughter, State That She Is Fair, Speculate That She Is Pious, But Unless You'd Like To Spend Your Watch Looking For The Box Where Your Head Is Kept, Resist The Urge To Wax Ignorant On Her Naughty Bits." -pocket I Don't Know What That Means, Sir." -yeoman Speak Not Of Regan's Shaggacity, Son" [...] -pocket

Hope Is Bulletproof, Truth Just Hard To Hit

You're Trying To Be Tricky. What's Morality?" "it's The Difference Between What's Right And What You Can Rationalize." "must Be A Human Thing." "exactly.

Most Of Us Don't Live Our Lives With One, Integrated Self That Meets The World, We're A Whole Bunch Of Selves.

Why Write A Song When No One Can Play The Notes Or Understand The Lyrics?

Moses Should Have Said "let My People Go. Please."

She Pulled Down The Blanket And Aimed Baby Sophie's Bottom At Him Like She Might Unleash A Fusillade Of Weapons-grade Poopage Such As The Guileless Beta Male Had Never Seen.

It's Like Time Travel Only, You Know, Slower.

Blessed Are The Meek, For To Them We Shall Say "attaboy".

Love Is Not Something You Think About, It Is A State In Which You Dwell

After All The Evidence Is In--after You've Run All The Facts By Everything You Know--and You're Still Lost, You Have To Do Some Things On Faith.

It Was Sometimes Difficult To Reconcile A Man's Talents With His Personality.

So Hey, Once Joshua Heals Your Brother, You Want To Go Do Something, Get Some Pomegranate Juice, A Falafel,or Get Married Or Something?

Compliment But Do Not Covet.

I Am Convinced By The Events Of The Last Few Weeks That Nefarious Forces Of People--unidentified But No Less Real--are Threatening Life As We Know It, And In Fact, May Be Bent On Unraveling The Very Fabric Of Our Existence.

I've Won Satan's Lottery.

San Francisco Is A Breathtakingly Beautiful City, With Lots Of Great Contrasts Between Dark And Light, Often Overlapping Each Other. It's A Great Setting For A Horror Story.

Actually, Orcas Aren't Quite As Complex As Scientists Imagine. Most Killer Whales Are Just Four Tons Of Doofus Dressed Up Like A Police Car.

Marry For Love, Stay Married, And Raise Happy Children Who Are Quick To Laugh And Slow To Judge.

The Netherworld Is Timeless And Unchanging, And Boring -- Much Like A Doctor's Waiting Room.

So I Am Death" Charlie Said Then Turned To His Daughter While Buttering His Toast. "this Is Death Toast Sweety.

The Winter Woman Is As Wild As A Blizzard, As Fresh As New Snow. While Some See Her As Cold, She Has A Fiery Heart Under That Ice-queen Exterior. She Likes The Stark Simplicity Of Japanese Art And The Daring Complexity Of Russian Literature. She Prefers Sharp To Flowing Lines, Brooding To Pouting, And Rock And Roll To Country And Western. Her Drink Is Vodka, Her Car Is German, Her Analgesic Is Advil. The Winter Woman Likes Her Men Weak And Her Coffee Strong. She Is Prone To Anemia, Hysteria, And Suicide.

Don't Bruise The Foo!

Faith Isn't An Act Of Intelligence, It's An Act Of Imagination.

May The Irs Find That You Deduct Your Pet Sheep As An Entertainment Expense.

You Want Me And I Want You. Right?" Who Did She Think She Was? You Can't Just Go Around Blurting Out The Truth Like A Prophet With Tourette's Syndrome. He Said, "well, I Guess. Yeah, That's Right.

Lonliness Evaporated Off Of Them Like The Steam Off Dry Ice, And By Morning It Was Just A Cloud On The Ceiling Of The Room, Then Gone With The Light.

Routine Feeds The Illusion Of Safety.

We Know There's Going To Be Nothing But Pain, But We Go Back Again And Again.

Again And Again

As Much As I Encourage Communication With My Readers, I Don't Want Reviews From Them, Simply Because I Don't Need To Be Hamstrung In The Middle Of Working On Something.

Perhaps There Is A Reason That There Is No Fool Piece On The Chessboard. What Action, A Fool? What Strategy, A Fool? What Use, A Fool? Ah, But A Fool Resides In A Deck Of Cards, A Joker, Sometimes Two. Of No Worth, Of Course. No Real Purpose. The Appearance Of A Trump, But None Of The Power: Simply An Instrument Of Chance. Only A Dealer May Give Value To The Joker.

...as If Someone Had Thrown A Hand Grenade Into The Middle Of A Teddy Bear Orgy And The Only Survivors Had Had Their Fur Blown Off.

She Was An Alien, Really - A Sort Of Eating, Pooping, Tantrum Machine - And He Didn't Understand Anything About Her Species.

That's The Scary Thing About Hope," She Said. "if You Let It Go Too Long It Turns Into Faith.

Whistler,' Manet Called. 'how's Your Mother?

Kayso, It Turns Out That Driving An Actual Car Is Way Harder Than It Is In 'grand Theft Auto: Zombie Hooker Smackdown.

For Me, 'lamb' Started Out As A Further Exploration Of The Phenomenon Of Faith And The Responsibility Of A Messiah That I Touched On In 'coyote Blue' And 'island Of The Sequined Love Nun,' But It Ended Up Being An Exploration Of The True Meaning Of Sacrifice, Loyalty, And Friendship.

Do We Still Have To Floss?" Tommy Asked. "i Mean, What's The Point Of Being Immortal If We Have To Floss?

Life Is An Irritation.

All Killer Whales Are Named Kevin. You Knew That, Right?

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