If People Had Gavels, There Would Be No Wars. If Every Person In The World Had A Gavel And Could Bang It And Get Everyone's Attention Right Away And Make Their Displeasure Known, I Believe The Level Of Actual Violence In The World Would Just Disappear To Practically Nothing.

-Fran Lebowitz

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If People Had Gavels,

Fran Lebowitz

Topic

War

Believe

People

More From Fran Lebowitz

Donald Trump Is Not My Fault. You Can Blame Certain Things On Me, But Not Donald Trump.

Faults

Blame

Trump

The Truth Is That Most Families Have No Smart Ones And No Pretty Ones. Most Families Are A Bunch Of Unattractive Dopes. And It Turns Out That The Bush Family, Like Most Families, Has No Smart Ones. I Was Not Surprised To See This.

Smart

Dope

Unattractive

For Someone Such As Myself, Who Is Kind Of Feckless And Immature, It's Better To Have Rich Friends Than To Be Rich Yourself, Because Then You Have Wealth Without The Responsibility. You Get To Go To Their Houses, And You Get Acquainted With A Level Of Furniture That You Cannot Provide For Yourself. Furniture, I Think Is The Most Important Attribute Of Rich People.

Friends

Responsibility

Thinking

Think Before You Speak. Read Before You Think.

Inspirational

Wisdom

Book

People Are Constantly Telling Me, Whether They Are Friends Who Feel Sorry For Me, Because I Can't Find A Place To Live, Or Real Estate Agents, "you Can't Afford An Apartment The Size You Need With This Many Books. Why Don't You Just Put Some Of Your Books In Storage?" And I Always Say The Same Thing: "what If I Told You I Had Four Children? Would You Say, 'you Just Can't Afford To House Four Children. Why Don't You Just Put Two Of Them In Storage?'" That's How I Feel.

Children

Sorry

Real

If In Addition To Being Physically Unattractive You Find That You Do Not Get Along Well With Others, Do Not Under Any Circumstances Attempt To Alleviate This Situation By Developing An Interesting Personality. An Interesting Personality, Is, In An Adult, Insufferable. In A Teenager It Is Frequently Punishable By Law.

Teenager

Law

Interesting

In Rome People Spend Most Of Their Time Having Lunch. And They Do It Very Well - Rome Is Unquestionably The Lunch Capital Of The World.

Rome

Lunch

People

I'm A Horrible Girlfriend. I Always Was. I'm Great At The Beginning, Because I Can Be Very Romantic.

Girlfriend

Because I Can

Very Romantic

Abandon The Search For Truth; Settle For A Good Fantasy

Fantasy

Bumper Sticker

Settling

Even When Freshly Washed And Relieved Of All Obvious Confections, Children Tend To Be Sticky.

Mom

Baby

Children

...i Believed Passionately That Communists Were A Race Of Horned Men Who Divided Their Time Equally Between The Burning Of Nancy Drew Books And The Devising Of A Plan Of Nuclear Attack That Would Land The Largest And Most Lethal Bomb Squarely Upon The Third-grade Class Of Thomas Jefferson School In Morristown, New Jersey.

War

Book

School

Middle Class Was Defined By Having Certain Values And Only A Certain Amount Of Money. But This New Middle Class Seems To Have Absolutely No Values And An Unlimited Amount Of Money.

Class

Middle

Unlimited

A Community Is A Butcher And A Doctor, A Minister, A Town Troublemaker. A "community" Is Not A Bunch Of People United By Some Grievance. That's Just Self-righteousness - Incredibly Dangerous And Antidemocratic.

Doctors

Self

People

Remember This: No Matter How Politely Or Distinctly You Ask A Parisian A Question He Will Persist In Answering You In French.

Paris

Matter

Remember

It's Very Disheartening To Encounter A Fearful Twenty-one Year Old. They Haven't Earned The Right To Be That Afraid. It's Not Like We're Living In War-torn Bosnia Or Something.

War

Years

Twenties

If There Had Been A Job Of Being A Reader, I Would Have Taken That, Because I Love To Read And I Don't Love To Write. That Would Be Blissful.

Jobs

Taken

Writing

The Great Thing About New Jersey Is That It's Close To New York.

New York

Jersey

Great Things

[on Parenthood:] You Can't Change Your Mind--you Know, And Say, This Isn't Working Out, Let's Sell.

Work Out

Mind

Parenthood

There Are Certain Relationships I Think I'm Great At: I'm The World's Greatest Daughter. I'm A Great Relative. I Believe I'm A Great Friend.

Daughter

Believe

Thinking

Vegetables Are Interesting But Lack A Sense Of Purpose When Unaccompanied By A Good Cut Of Meat.

Food

Cutting

Vegetables

Do Not Have Your Child's Hair Cut By A Real Hairdresser In A Real Hairdressing Salon. He Is, At This Point, Far Too Short To Be Exposed To Contempt.

Children

Real

Cutting

This Idea That People Have To Love And Understand Each Other Is Absurd. It's Not Human Nature.

Ideas

People

Human Nature

The Theater Itself Is So Archaic And Old Fashioned, That It Doesn't Really Matter To Me Whether It's On Avenue D Or At The Helen Hayes Theater. What's The Difference? It's Still A Very Nostalgic Form. Also, It Means You're Knowingly Walking Into A Room Where There's Actors. I Feel It's Very Embarrassing. Because, You Know, They're Right There. You Always Think Like, They Can See You, And I Think It's Mortifying, Frankly, And I Hate To Sit Near The Front, Where You Feel They Actually Might See You. It's Too ... It's Too Live.

Hate

Mean

Thinking

Generally Speaking, It Is Inhumane To Detain A Fleeting Insight.

Fleeting

Insight

Inhumane

Smoking Is, If Not My Life, Then At Least My Hobby. I Love To Smoke. Smoking Is Fun. Smoking Is Cool. Smoking Is, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult. It Makes Growing Up Genuinely Worthwhile. I Am Quite Well Aware Of The Hazards Of Smoking. Smoking Is Not A Healthful Pastime, It Is True. Smoking Is Indeed No Bracing Dip In The Ocean, No Strenuous Series Of Calisthenics, No Two Laps Around The Reservoir. On The Other Hand, Smoking Has To Its Advantage The Fact That Is A Quiet Pursuit. Smoking Is, In Effect A Dignified Sport.

Sports

Growing Up

Fun

In Conversation You Can Use Timing, A Look, An Inflection. But On The Page All You Have Is Commas, Dashes, The Amount Of Syllables In A Word. When I Write, I Read Everything Out Loud To Get The Right Rhythm.

Writing

Use

Pages

I Hate Academic Mysteries. As Soon As I Come Across The Word 'don' And It's Not Someone's First Name, I Close The Book.

Hate

Book

Names

You Should Make It Hard On Yourself To Write So You’re Easier To Read.

Writing

Easier

Should

A Hobby Is, Of Course, An Abomination, As Are All Consuming Interests And Passions That Do Not Lead Directly To Large, Personal Gain.

Passion

Hobbies

Gains

A Great Many People In Los Angeles Are On Special Diets That Restrict Their Intake Of Synthetic Foods. The Reason For This Appears To Be A Widely Held Belief That Organically Grown Fruits And Vegetables Make The Cocaine Work Faster.

Vegetables

People

Special

Special-interest Publications Should Realize That If They Are Attracting Enough Advertising And Readers To Make A Profit, The Interest Is Not So Special.

Special

Advertising

Realizing

There's Also The Idea In This Country [usa], It's Not Wholly New, But It's New In Its Kind Of Purity, In That You Have To Be Really Smart To Be Really Rich. I Always Say To People, The Reason People Believe This Is A) They've Never Met A Really Smart Person, And B) They've Never Met A Really Rich Person. I Have Met Both, And I Cannot See The Crossover. You Do Not Have To Be A Genius To Get Rich. You Have To Be Ruthless To Get Rich.

Country

Smart

Believe

The First People Who Died Of Aids Were Artists. They Were The Most Interesting People.

Artist

People

Interesting

Most Writers Write Too Much. I Have The Exact Opposite Problem. I Feel I Could Write Almost Anything In A Paragraph. I Have A Natural Ability To Condense, And So I Often Think, "are You Kidding Me? Five Thousand Words? How Am I Gonna Make 5,000 Words Out Of That?"

Writing

Thinking

Opposites

The Opposite Of Talking Isn't Listening. The Opposite Of Talking Is Waiting.

Inspirational

Funny

Hope

Perhaps The Least Cheering Statement Ever Made On The Subject Of Art Is That Life Imitates It.

Art

Cheer

Made

Large, Naked, Raw Carrots Are Acceptable As Food Only To Those Who Live In Hutches Eagerly Awaiting Easter.

Funny

Easter

Food

No One I Knew Talked About Money. It's Not An Area Of Interest.

Interest

Areas

I Never Wanted To Have Any Extra Money, If It Meant Having To Have Any Extra Work.

Extra Work

Wanted

Extras

Those Who Use The Word 'lifestyle' Are Rarely In Possession Of Either.

Style

Use

Language

Should Novels Generally Be 600 Pages? No, They Should Not. Half Of Writing, Maybe 3/4 Of Writing, Is Editing. This Seems To Be A Thing That Has Not Gotten Through To Them. It's My Impression That You Could Get Rid Of Half Of Most Of These Books. These People Are Not Good Enough To Be This Long, But They're Apparently Also Not Good Enough To Be Shorter.

Book

Writing

Editing

Your Responsibility As A Parent Is Never Great As The Case Is With The Mother.

Mother

Responsibility

Parent

Why Not Have Your First Baby At Sixty, When Your Husband Is Already Dead And Your Career Is Over? Then You Can Really Devote Yourself To It.

Baby

Husband

Careers

What I Can't Be Is Monogamous. That Tends To Upset People. I Just Don't Like Domestic Life.

People

Upset

Domestic Life

People Who Are Well-known, Famous People, I Think, Make Very Poor Characters For Fiction. They Make Good Characters For Gossip Columns. But Not For Fiction.

Character

Thinking

People

In Fact, We Live In A Culture Where Intelligence, Exceptional Or Not, Is Reviled.

Culture

Facts

Exceptional

I Hate Writing. I Will Do Anything To Avoid It. The Only Way I Could Write Less Was If I Was Dead.

Hate

Writing

Way

I Stopped Taking Drugs When I Was 19, And Who Wants To Drive A Cab Around New York With Drugs In Their Car?

New York

Car

Drug

How Do You Know If Your Child Is A Writer? Your Obstetrician Holds His Stethoscope To Your Abdomen And Only Hears Excuses.

Children

Abdomen

Excuse

Not Writing Is Probably The Most Exhausting Profession I've Ever Encountered. It Takes It Out Of You. It's Very Psychically Wearing Not To Write - I Mean If You're Supposed To Be Writing.

Writing

Mean

Profession

I Don't Like To Read Nonfiction. To Me, Fact Is Something I Can Look Up.

Looks

Facts

Nonfiction

I've Never Seen The Kardashians; I'm Not Sure Who They Are. But I Know A Lot About Them Because It's Impossible Not To.

Impossible

Not Sure

Knows

I Am Not... Totally Unreceptive To Colour Providing It Makes Its Appearance Quietly, Deferentially, And Without Undue Fanfare.

Fashion

Appearance

Colour

There's Too Much Democracy In The Culture, Not Enough In The Society.

Democracy

Culture

Too Much

The First Time I Ever Saw Platform Shoes In The '70s, I Knew They'd Been Revived From The '40s, And I Felt Sickened. And For Whatever Reason, They Keep Getting Revived. They've Come Back Four Times. I Wish We Could Let Them Die. They Want To Die. They Were Horrible Then, They're Horrible Now.

Wish

Reason

Wanting To Die

Commercials And Sometimes Other Guests - It's The Down Side Of Tv. Other People - It's The Downside Of Life In General.

People

Guests

Sides

Scientists - The Crowd That For Dash And Style Make The General Public Look Like The Bloomsbury Set.

Style

Looks

Literature

Success Didn't Spoil Me, I've Always Been Insufferable.

Inspirational

Life

Motivational

It Is Not True That There Is Dignity In All Work. Some Jobs Are Definitely Better Than Others.

Jobs

Dignity

Girls Who Put Out Are Tramps. Girls Who Don't Are Ladies. This Is, However, A Rather Archaic Usage Of The Word. Should One Of You Boys Happen Upon A Girl Who Doesn't Put Out, Do Not Jump To The Conclusion That You Have Found A Lady. What You Have Probably Found Is A Lesbian.

Girl

Women

Gay

Generally Speaking, The Poorer Person Summers Where He Winters.

Summer

Winter

Persons

Sleep Is Death Without The Responsibility.

Sleep

Responsibility

Even If People Aren't Republicans, It Doesn't Seem Shocking To Them That Ronald Reagan Was The President. Well Of Course, Because Arnold Schwarzenegger Was The Governor! This Is Not Only A Bar Too Low, This Is No Bar At All. I Don't Care Who You Are, You Know 20 People Smarter Than Ronald Reagan. You Know 20 People Who Would Be A Better President Than Ronald Reagan.

People

President

Would Be

There Is Nothing More Mine Than My Writing, Nothing I'm More Proprietary About.

Writing

Mines

All The Time I'm Not Writing I Feel Like A Criminal. It's Horrible To Feel Felonious Every Second Of The Day. It's Much More Relaxing To Actually Write.

Writing

Criminals

Horrible

There's No Such Thing As Advice To The Lovelorn. If They Took Advice, They Wouldn't Be Lovelorn.

Advice

Ifs

Never Allow Your Child To Call You By Your First Name. He Hasn't Known You Long Enough.

Children

Names

Long

As A Teenager You Are At The Last Stage In Your Life When You Will Be Happy To Hear That The Phone Is For You.

Inspirational

Motivational

Happiness

Very Few People Possess True Artistic Ability. It Is Therefore Both Unseemly And Unproductive To Irritate The Situation By Making An Effort. If You Have A Burning, Restless Urge To Write Or Paint, Simply Eat Something Sweet And The Feeling Will Pass.

Sweet

Art

Writing

I Believe In Talking Behind Peoples' Backs. That Way, They Hear It More Than Once.

Believe

Talking

Way

Bread That Must Be Sliced With An Axe Is Bread That Is Too Nourishing.

Funny

Food

Cooking

I've Always Been Old At Heart.

Heart

We Are All Born With A Rut Radar. Mine Is Finely Wired, A Little Oversensitive Maybe. Perhaps Just A Bit Hyperactive. Twenty Steady Boyfriends Before Turning 16, A New Best Friend 12 Times A Year, Switched College Majors Every Time I Met Someone Who Seemed Exactly Like The Sort Of Person I Really, Really Wanted To Be. I'm Not Fickle. I'm Just Never There Yet.

College

Years

Twenties

One Of The Biggest Changes In My Lifetime, Is The Phenomenon Of Men Wearing Shorts. Men Never Wore Shorts When I Was Young. This Is One Of The Worst Changes, By Far. It's Disgusting. To Have To Sit Next To Grown Men On The Subway In The Summer, And They're Wearing Shorts? They Look Ridiculous, Like Children, And I Can't Take Them Seriously. My Fashion Advice, Particularly To Men Wearing Shorts: Ask Yourself, 'could I Make A Living Modeling These Shorts?' If The Answer Is No, Then Change Your Clothes. Put On A Pair Of Pants.

Summer

Fashion

Children

China Is Not A Great Idea: Capitalism And A Dictator. It's Like The Two Worst Possible Things You Could Imagine Together. It's A Very Bad Idea.

Ideas

Two

Together

If You Feel The Urge To Write, Just Lie Down And Read A Book: It Will Pass.

Lying

Book

Writing

Smoking Is The Great Romance Of My Lifetime. If I Could Find Someone I Wanted Forty-five Times A Day, Perhaps I Could Stop.

Smoking

Romance

Lifetime

Instead Of Writing It Wrong Six Times And Then Writing It Right, I Think It Wrong Six Times And Then Write It Right The Seventh Time.

Writing

Thinking

Six

When People Say, 'doesn't Gloria [vanderbilt] Look Great? She's 85.' I Say, 'yes, She Was A Raving Beauty When She Was 20,' That's The Key. Very Helpful.

Keys

People

Looks

I Have Friends, Some Of Whom Are Spectacularly Good Writers, Who Really Want Someone To Edit Them. I Don't Register That Impulse. It's Like The Impulse For Wanting A Dog.

Dog

Want

Impulse

When We Were Young, We Knew Things. We Knew Basic History, Even As It Related To Fashion. Now, When Something Reappears, An 18 Year Old Has No Clue That It's A Revival. Despite The Fact That They're Almost Always Online They Don't Get References. I Think That's Part Of Why Visual Things Are Becoming So Derivative.

Fashion

Thinking

Clue

Spilling Your Guts Is Just Exactly As Charming As It Sounds.

Sound

Catchy

Charming

They Know You Can't Get People To Stop Smoking, So They Develop A System Of Informants. That's The Whole Idea Of Second-hand Smoke, You Know. Make Second-hand Smoke Dangerous And Turn Everybody Against Smokers. Then They Say You Can't Even Smoke In A Bar - A Bar! - Because Bartenders Have A Right To A Smoke-free "workspace." Ah, Bartenders, Those Health Nuts.

Hands

Nuts

Ideas

A Person Who Actually Knows How To Wear Clothes...they Would Look Good In Any Clothes. You See This Especially At The Academy Awards. Even If The Dresses Are Beautiful And Expensive And Important, The Actresses Can't Always Carry Them. Sometimes I Feel Like Saying To Them, "act! You Know How To Act, You're An Actor. You're About To Win An Award For, I Don't Know, Convincingly Playing That Venezuelan Nun Who Went To War. Now Act Like You Can Wear This Dress.".

Beautiful

War

Winning

My Favorite Way To Wake Up Is To Have A Certain French Movie Star Whisper To Me Softly At Two-thirty In The Afternoon That If I Want To Get To Sweden In Time To Pick Up My Nobel Prize For Literature, I Had Better Ring For Breakfast. This Occurs Rather Less Often Than One Might Wish.

Stars

Two

Wish

When I Was A Kid, The People Of My Generation Didn't Want To Be Writers, They Wanted To Be Rock Stars. Rock And Roll Was Not Just Entertainment, It Was The Center Of People's Lives. When I Was Young, It Was Exciting And Interesting.

Stars

Kids

Rocks

When I Was Very Little, Say Five Or Six, I Became Aware Of The Fact That People Wrote Books. Before That, I Thought That God Wrote Books. I Thought A Book Was A Manifestation Of Nature, Like A Tree.

Book

People

Tree

The Effect Of Aids Was Like A War In A Minute Country. Like, In World War I, A Whole Generation Of Englishmen Died All At Once. And With Aids, A Whole Generation Of Gay Men Died Practically All At Once, Within A Couple Of Years.

Country

Couple

War

I've Done The Calculation And Your Chances Of Winning The Lottery Are Identical Whether You Play Or Not.

Funny

Money

Winning

All Style Is Personal - That's What Distinguishes It From Fashion.

Fashion

Style

A Salad Is Not A Meal, It Is A Style.

Style

Meals

Salad

Presently It Appears That People Are Mainly Concerned With Being Well Rested. Those Capable Of Uninterrupted Sleep Are Much Admired. Unconsciousness Is In Great Demand. This Is The Day Of The Milligram. The Rigors Of Learning How To Do Long Division Have Been A Traditional Part Of Childhood, Just Like Learning To Smoke. In Fact, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Two Go Hand In Hand. Any Child Who Cannot Do Long Division By Himself Does Not Deserve To Smoke.

Children

Sleep

Hands

Smoking Is, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult. Many People Find Smoking Objectionable. I Myself Find Many - Even More - Things Objectionable. I Do Not Like Aftershave Lotion, Adults Who Roller-skate, Children Who Speak French, Or Anyone Who Is Unduly Tan. I Do Not, However, Go Around Enacting Legislation And Putting Up Signs.

Children

Speaks French

People

Being Poor Is Like Being A Child. Being Rich Is Like Being An Adult: You Get To Do Whatever You Want. Everyone Is Nice When They Have To Be; Rich People Are Nice When They Feel Like It.

Children

Nice

People

New York Was Always More Expensive Than Any Other Place In The United States, But You Could Live In New York - And By New York, I Mean Manhattan. Brooklyn Was The Borough Of Grandparents. We Didn't Live Well. We Lived In These Horrible Places. But You Could Live In New York. And You Didn't Have To Think About Money Every Second.

New York

Mean

Thinking

Your Grandparents Did Not Endure The Indignities Of A Steerage Journey To Ellis Island So That You Could Stand Outside A Discothèque And Beg A Wallpaper Designer To Take You In With Him.

Journey

Islands

Grandparent

Whenever I Am Doing Anything Else, Which Is Most Of The Time, Even If It Is Not Something Like Robbing A Bank, I Feel Felonious. Writing Is What I'm Supposed To Be Doing.

Writing

Robbing

Feels

I Think Humor Is Warmer, And Wit Is Colder. Wit Is Judgment, Whereas Humor Invites Some Sort Of Response.

Thinking

Judgment

Wit

Anti-smoking Sentiment Has Replaced Middle-class Morality Entirely. The Smoker Has Taken The Place Of The Homosexual. Today You Hear People Say Things About Smokers That Used To Be Said About Homosexuals - They Pollute The Environment; You Don't Want Them Around Your Children.

Children

Taken

Class

Smoking Is, As Far As I'm Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult.

Maturity

Smoking

Adults

If You're Going To America, Bring Your Own Food.

Travel

Women

Food

To Me The Biggest Waste Of Time Is Commuting. First, There Is No Place That Is Less Than A Two-hour Commute From New York. You Can Be Half A Mile Outside Of The City Limits; You're Two Hours Away By Car. I Don't Care How Close They Tell You It Is. "oh, It's Only Thirty Miles." Thirty Miles? At 8:30 In The Morning, Thirty Miles Outside New York, You Might As Well Be Starting Out In Omaha.

Morning

New York

Cities

If Your Sexual Fantasies Were Truly Of Interest To Others, They Would No Longer Be Fantasies.

Sex

Fantasy

Interest

I'm Sure That Being Sober All These Years Accounts For My Ill Humor.

Years

Sober

Ill

Technological Innovation Has Done Great Damage ... To Eating Habits. Food Is Now Available In Such Unpleasant Forms That One Frequently Finds Smoking Between Courses To Be An Aid To Digestion.

Smoking

Innovation

Done

The Telephone Is A Good Way To Talk To People Without Having To Offer Them A Drink.

Humorous

Drinking

Memorable

If You Don't Have Children And You Don't Have A Job, You Have Time For Friendship ... People Who Have Jobs Are Not The Best Friends To Have. It's Better To Be Friends With People Who Are Unemployed.

Friendship

Jobs

Children

Children Ask Better Questions Than Adults. "may I Have A Cookie?" "why Is The Sky Blue?" And "what Does A Cow Say?" Are Far More Likely To Elicit A Cheerful Response Than "where's Your Manuscript?" "why Haven't You Called?" And "who's Your Lawyer?"

Children

Blue

Sky

Television Turned Out To Be Exactly As Bad As The Most Irritating And Pedantic Intellectuals Of The '50s Said It Was Going To Be.

Television

Said

Pedantic

I've Never Had The Experience Of Being Edited And Never Will.

Edited

I Do Not Believe In God. I Believe In Cashmere.

Believe

Cashmere

I Believe

I Never Took Hallucinogenic Drugs Because I Never Wanted My Consciousness Expanded One Unnecessary Iota.

Drug

Consciousness

Unnecessary

For The Movie Review Columns, I Always Knew Exactly What I Was Going To Write About - The Movies.

Writing

Columns

Reviews

My Favorite Animal Is Steak.

Life

Food

Animal

If You Can Stay In Love For More Than Two Years, You're On Something.

Love

Years

Two

It's Very Important Who The President Of The United States Is. America Is A Great Idea, So That's Why It's A Great Country.

Country

America

Ideas

If You Read A Lot, Nothing Is As Great As You've Imagined. Venice Is - Venice Is Better.

Venice

Ifs

There's No Such Thing As Advice To The Lovelorn. If They Took Advice, They Wouldn't Be Lovelorn. You See, Advice And Lovelorn Don't Go Together. Because Advice Makes Love Sound Like Some Sort Of Cognitive Activity, But We Know That It Isn't. We All Know That It's Some Sort Of Horrible Chemical Reaction Over Which We Have Absolutely No Control. And That's Why Advice Doesn't Work.

Advice

Making Love

Together

You Can't Go Around Hoping That Most People Have Sterling Moral Characters. The Most You Can Hope For Is That People Will Pretend That They Do.

Character

People

Literature

I Love Being In Love. I Don't Think Anything Compares With It, Though I Consider It Very Disruptive.

Women

Being In Love

Love Is

Great People Talk About Ideas, Average People Talk About Things, And Small People Talk About Wine.

Wine

Average

Ideas

Luckily When You Drive A Cab There Are Two Things: You Don't Have A Boss In The Cab With You, And You Are Not Facing The People That You Are Making Money From.

Two

People

Boss

Any Child Who Cannot Do Long Division By Himself Does Not Deserve To Smoke.

Children

Long

Doe

I Hate Money. It Is Boring And It Is Arithmetic. The Two Things I Hate The Most.

Hate

Two

Boring

If You Are Truly Serious Abut Preparing Your Child For The Future, Don't Teach Him To Subtract Teach Him To Deduct.

Children

Literature

Serious

Communism Requires Of Its Adherents That They Arise Early And Participate In A Strenuous Round Of Calisthenics. To Someone Who Wishes That Cigarettes Came Already Lit The Thought Of Such Exertion At An Hour When Decent People Are Just Nodding Off Is Thoroughly Abhorrent.

People

Wish

Abhorrent

I Am A New Yorker. I Like New York. And I Like Cities. And It's Not My Desire To Make New York More Suburban. I Would Personally Just Like To Vet Each Person.

New York

Cities

Desire

Life Is So Absurd Now That It Is Almost Impossible To Be A Satirist In This Era.

Eras

Impossible

Life Is

I Have The Exact Opposite Problem Of Every Writer I've Ever Met: Every Writer I've Ever Met Writes Things That Are Too Long, And They Have To Edit Them Down.

Writing

Opposites

Long

I Used To Buy All My Shirts At Brooks Brothers, But That Was Completely Ruined About 20 Years Ago. They Discontinued The Shirt I Liked. If I Had Only Known This - I Mean, If You're Going To Discontinue An Item That Thousands And Thousands Of People Buy, Announce It. Say, 'we Will No Longer Be Making Our Excellent Brooks Brothers Cotton Shirts That We Made For 5,000 Years. We're Going To Change Them In Some Awful Way. We're Alerting You So You Can Buy A Lifetime Supply.' Shirts Don't Go Bad, They're Not Peaches.

Brother

Mean

People

No One's Supposed To Be The President. This Is Not England. And It's Not Just The Bush Family, All Families Designate Each Child As Having Some Particular Trait.

Children

President

England

We Live In A Culture Where Everyone Is Perfectly Willing To Do This [to Make A Lot Of Money], And They're Just Looking For The Opportunity. Obviously, A Person Who Is Really Dumb Is Not Gonna Make A Zillion Dollars. But For A Person Who Is Really Smart, Really Smart, It's A Boring Pursuit. It's Not Endlessly Fascinating.

Smart

Opportunity

Dumb

To Me, The Main Difference Between Young People Now And The People I Was Young With Isn't So Much Style, It's The Relationships They Have With Their Parents. Their Parents Like Them Much More Than Ours Liked Us. Our Parents Weren't Our Friends. But Now I See My Friends On The Phones With Their, What, 30 - Year - Old Kids? And They're Talking About Feelings.

Kids

People

Parent

If, While Watching The Sun Set On A Used-car Lot In Los Angeles, You Are Struck By The Parallels Between This Image And The Inevitable Fate Of Humanity, Do Not, Under Any Circumstances, Write It Down.

Writing

Fate

Car

While It Is Undeniably True That People Love A Surprise, It Is Equally True That They Are Seldom Pleased To Suddenly And Without Warning Happen Upon A Series Of Prunes In What They Took To Be A Normal Loin Of Pork.

Food

People

Pork

I Don't Like The Kind Of Country Living Where You Have To Help. I Like Country Living Where There Is Help.

Country

Helping

Kind

I Must Take Issue With The Term 'a Mere Child,' For It Has Been My Invariable Experience That The Company Of A Mere Child Is Infinitely Preferable To That Of A Mere Adult.

Inspirational

Children

Issues

If You Removed All Of The Homosexuals And Homosexual Influence From What Is Generally Regarded As American Culture, You Would Pretty Much Be Left With Let's Make A Deal.

Gay Pride

Culture

Influence

The Downfall Of Most Diets Is That They Restrict Your Intake Of Food.

Downfall

Diets

Once You Go Outside Your Natural Audience, There Are Tons Of People That Don't Like You.

People

Like You

Natural

In The Soviet Union, Capitalism Triumphed Over Communism. In This Country, Capitalism Triumphed Over Democracy.

Country

Democracy

Literature

Maybe It's Superficial To Exude A Sense Of Confidence In One's Clothes. But It's Also Integral. We Have An Appearance. Not All Of Us Are Beautiful. But We Can Appear Fine Looking. So We Should. Feeling Good About An Outfit Is The Point At Which That Outfit Finally Becomes Good.

Beautiful

Feel Good

Feelings

[on The Writers She Admires:] I Prefer Dead Writers, Because I Don't See Them At Parties.

Party

Admire

No One Earns $100 Million. You Steal $100 Million.

Stealing

Millions

Original Thought Is Like Original Sin: Both Happened Before You Were Born To People You Could Not Have Possibly Met.

Women

People

Original Thought

The 3 Questions Of Greatest Concern Are:, 1) Is It Attractive?, 2) Is It Amusing?, 3) Does It Know Its Place?

Doe

Amusing

Attractive

I Write A Sentence A Thousand Times, Changing It All The Time To Look At It In Different Ways.

Writing

Different

Looks

If Food Did Not Exist It Would Be Well-nigh Impossible To Get Certain Types Off The Phone, As One Would Be Unable To Say, 'look, I've Got To Run But Let's Have Dinner Sometime Soon.'

Running

Phones

Dinner

The Terrible State Of Public Education Has Paid Huge Dividends In Ignorance. Huge. We Now Have A Country That Can Be Told Blatant Lies - Easily Checkable, Blatant Lies - And I'm Not Talking About The Covert Workings Of The Cia. When We Have A Terrorist Attack, On September 11, 2001 With 19 Men - 15 Of Them Are Saudis - And Five Minutes Later The Whole Country Thinks They're From Iraq - How Can You Have Faith In The Public? This Is An Easily Checkable Fact. The Whole Country Is Like The O.j. Simpson Jurors.

Country

Lying

Ignorance

Children Are Much Less Annoying [than Adults] And They Never Start Trends.

Children

Adults

Trends

One [new York] Eatery Is A Remodeled Diner That Looks Like What Busby Berkeley Would Have Done If Only He Hadn't Had The Money.

New York

Looks

Done

Writing Pornography Is Deadly, Nothing Duller. I Mean A Toll-taker Has A More Exciting Life Than A Pornographer.

Writing

Mean

Tolls

The Conversational Overachiever Is Someone Whose Grasp Exceeds His Reach. This Is Possible But Not Attractive.

Talking

Literature

Attractive

I Never Had A Typewriter. I Never Had Any Machines.

Typewriters

Machines

Whenever Someone Accuses Someone Of Being A Racist - Which Is Rare, You Have To Admit, Considering How Much Racism There Is - There Is An Incredible Outrage. I Realized That We Live In An Environment That It Seems To Be Worse To Call Someone A Racist Than To Be One.

Racism

Racist

Environment

Cold Soup Is A Very Tricky Thing And It Is A Rare Hostess Who Can Carry It Off. More Often Than Not The Dinner Guest Is Left With The Impression That Had He Only Come A Little Earlier He Could Have Gotten It While It Was Still Hot.

Food

Dinner Guests

Hot

I Used To Rent A House In Princeton, New Jersey, And Whenever People Came To Visit Me, I Would Drive Them Past Albert Einstein's House, Which Is The Most Ordinary House In Princeton - A House, Let Me Assure You, That Now A Salesman Wouldn't Live In. I'd Always Say, "that Was Albert Einstein's House." And They'd Say, "what Do You Mean? Why Would Albert Einstein Live In A Little House Like That?" And I'd Always Say To People, "because He Didn't Care!"

Mean

Past

People

Modern Science Was Largely Conceived Of As An Answer To The Servant Problem And ... It Is Generally Practiced By Those Who Lack A Flair For Conversation.

Science

Answers

Problem

Did It Ever Occur To Anyone That If You Put Nice Libraries In Public Schools You Wouldn't Have To Put Them In Prisons?

Nice

School

Library

I Have A Double Policy, Which Would Also Solve Immigration: I Would Stand At The Border Of New York City And I Would Say, "you Can Come Here To Live, But You Can't Come Here To Visit."

New York

Cities

Immigration

I Hate All Jobs. I've Never Had A Job I Liked.

Jobs

Hate

I Hate

Notoriously Insensitive To Subtle Shifts In Mood, Children Will Persist In Discussing The Color Of A Recently Sighted Cement-mixer Long After One's Own Interest In The Topic Has Waned.

Children

Color

Long

To Put It Rather Bluntly, I Am Not The Type Who Wants To Go Back To The Land; I Am The Type Who Wants To Go Back To The Hotel.

Witty

Nature

Travel

Even When America Is Not Working That Well, It Still Works Better Than Other Places.

America

Wells

Stills

Nature Is By And Large To Be Found Out Of Doors, A Location Where, It Cannot Be Argued, There Are Never Enough Comfortable Chairs.

Funny

Women

Humor

Romantic Love Is Mental Illness. But It's A Pleasurable One.

Funny Love

Best Love

Romantic Love

Magazines All Too Frequently Lead To Books And Should Be Regarded By The Prudent As The Heavy Petting Of Literature.

Book

Magazines

Literature

Albert Einstein Didn't Care Where He Lived. Albert Einstein Was A Genius. Albert Einstein Wasn't Getting Lost In The Master Bedroom, He Was Lost In Thought.

Genius

Care

Getting Lost

What's The Point Of Being Young If You're Not Going To Make New Things, I Wonder?

Wonder

Young

New Things

When I Saw A Phone On A Plane For The First Time, I Panicked ... I Thought People Were Going To Call Me.

Phones

People

Saws

It Is, In Fact, Safe To Assume That, More Often Than Not, Life Imitates Craft, For Who Among Us Can Say That Our Experience Does Not More Closely Resemble A Macramé Plant Holder Than It Does A Painting By Seurat. When It Comes To Art, Life Is The Biggest Copycat In The Matter Of The Frame.

Art

Doe

Crafts

I'd Like To Decide Who Comes Here. I'd Like To Be The Admissions Director Of New York.

New York

Directors

Admission

I Could Not Possibly Be In A Relationship Now For More Than Six Days. When I Was Younger, I Might Have Said Six Months, Although I Think The Longest Relationship I Was Ever In Was Three Years.

Thinking

Years

Three

There Are Some Short Essays That Are Very Grave, And Most Contemporary Novels Are Lighter Than Air.

To Me The Outdoors Is What You Must Pass Through In Order To Get From Your Apartment Into A Taxicab.

Order

Apartment

I Place A High Moral Value On The Way People Behave. I Find It Repellent To Have A Lot, And To Behave With Anything Other Than Courtesy In The Old Sense Of The Word - Politeness Of The Heart, A Gentleness Of The Spirit.

Heart

People

House

If There Were, Say, Only 10 Percent Of The Hotels That Exist Now, There Would Be All These Apartments For People Who Live In New York, As Opposed To People Visiting New York. And Then All This Junk In The Theater, We Would No Longer Need The Kind Of Stuff That Tourists Like.

New York

People

Junk

I Walk A Lot In New York, Not For The Exercise But To Get From Place To Place, And Because It's The Way Of Having The Least Contact With Human Beings.

New York

Exercise

Way

I Believe That At Birth Everyone Gets The Capacity For A Certain Amount Of Drugs And Alcohol, Everyone The Same, You Can Do It All Between 15 And 19 Like I Did, Or You Can Stretch It Out Over 70 Years.

Believe

Years

Alcohol

Romantic Love Is Mental Illness. But It's A Pleasurable One. It's A Drug. It Distorts Reality, And That's The Point Of It. It Would Be Impossible To Fall In Love With Someone That You Really Saw. The Second You Meet Someone That You're Going To Fall In Love With You Deliberately Become A Moron. You Do This In Order To Fall In Love, Because It Would Be Impossible To Fall In Love With Any Human Being If You Actually Saw Them For What They Are.

Broken Heart

Falling In Love

Love You

Being A Woman Is Of Special Interest Only To Aspiring Male Transsexuals. To Actual Women, It Is Simply A Good Excuse Not To Play Football.

Football

Play

Special

You Sit Or Stand In The Subway, And You Look Around - I Do, Because I Don't Have A Phone So I'm Not Playing A Game - And You See People.

Phones

Games

People

To Lose Yourself In A Book Is The Desire Of The Bookworm. I Mean To Be Taken. That Is My Desire.

Book

Taken

Mean

Never Relinquish Clothing To A Hotel Valet Without First Specifically Telling Him That You Want It Back.

Literature

Want

Firsts

I Prefer Dead Writers Because You Don't Run Into Them At Parties.

Running

Party

Citizen's Band Radio Renders One Accessible To A Wide Variety Of People From All Walks Of Life. It Should Not Be Forgotten That All Walks Of Life Include Conceptual Artists, Dry Cleaners, And Living Poets.

Artist

People

Citizens

New Yorkers, We've Seen Donald Trump For, Like, 30 Years; We Know Who He Is. So He Wasn't A Surprise To Me.

Years

Surprise

Trump

Inhabitants Of Underdeveloped Nations And Victims Of Natural Disasters Are The Only People Who Have Ever Been Happy To See Soybeans.

Vegetables

People

Soybeans

I Don't Care If New York Avoided Bankruptcy By Substituting Tourism For The Garment Business.

New York

Tourism

Care

I Have Always Preferred The Company Of Older People. No One In The History Of The World Has Had Less Interest In The Young Than I Do. I Am Not Interested In What Young People Are Thinking. They're Thinking Less Than Old People, Of Course. I Mean, What Could They Be Thinking? And What Are They Doing? They're Doing The Same Stupid Things You Did.

Stupid

Mean

Thinking

Screenwriting Is Not An Artform, It Is A Punishment From God.

Writing

Punishment

Screenwriting

Twenty-four-hour Room Service Generally Refers To The Length Of Time That It Takes For The Club Sandwich To Arrive. This Is Indeeddisheartening, Particularly When You've Ordered Scrambled Eggs.

Eggs

Twenties

Room Service

Lifestyle. Not A Word At All, Really - Rather A Wordette. A Genuine Case Of More Is Less. ... The Word Life And The Word Style Are, Except In Rare Cases (and Chances Are That You're Not Of Them), Mutually Exclusive.

Style

Chance

Genuine

Science Has Done Absolutely Nothing About Noise. The Worst Design Flaw In The Human Body Is That You Can't Close Your Ears. The Reason You Can't Close Your Ears Is, If A Lion Was Coming, You Had To Wake Up. Today No Lions Are Coming. Beeping Trucks Are Coming. I Read The Other Day That The Guy Who Invented The Beep When Trucks Go Backward, He Died. I Thought: Of Course - He Dies, I Have To Listen To It.

Design

Guy

Wake Up

I Woke Up At Five O'clock In The Morning With The Whole First Paragraph In My Head. Now, This Just Shows What A Slothful Person I Am: I Tried To Go Back To Sleep.

Morning

Sleep

Firsts

I'm Not A Nervous Person. I'm Not Afraid To Be On Tv. I'm Only Afraid When I Write. When I'm At My Desk I Feel Like Most People Would Feel If They Went On Tv.

Writing

People

Tvs

The Best Fame Is A Writer's Fame. It's Enough To Get A Table At A Good Restaurant, But Not Enough To Get You Interrupted When You Eat.

Writing

Tables

Fame

New York's Not Exactly Antiseptic. It Could Be Clean And Less Dangerous, And Not Horrible, Not Under A Tidal Wave Of Tourists.

New York

Tourists

Wave

Without These Tourists, New York Would Be Fantastic. I Don't Want Them To Come. Stay Home!

New York

Home

Tourists

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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