I Used To Rent A House In Princeton, New Jersey, And Whenever People Came To Visit Me, I Would Drive Them Past Albert Einstein's House, Which Is The Most Ordinary House In Princeton - A House, Let Me Assure You, That Now A Salesman Wouldn't Live In. I'd Always Say, "that Was Albert Einstein's House." And They'd Say, "what Do You Mean? Why Would Albert Einstein Live In A Little House Like That?" And I'd Always Say To People, "because He Didn't Care!"

-Fran Lebowitz

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I Used To Rent

Fran Lebowitz

Topic

Mean

Past

People

More From Fran Lebowitz

I Must Take Issue With The Term 'a Mere Child,' For It Has Been My Invariable Experience That The Company Of A Mere Child Is Infinitely Preferable To That Of A Mere Adult.

Inspirational

Children

Issues

Communists All Seem To Wear Small Caps, A Look I Consider Better Suited To Tubes Of Toothpaste Than To People.

People

Looks

Communist

If Thine Enemy Offend Thee, Give His Child A Drum.

Children

Giving

Enemy

[on Not Reading Newspapers:] If Something Important Happens, Your Mother Calls You.

Mother

Reading

Important

Luckily When You Drive A Cab There Are Two Things: You Don't Have A Boss In The Cab With You, And You Are Not Facing The People That You Are Making Money From.

Two

People

Boss

I Never Met Anyone Who Didn't Have A Very Smart Child. What Happens To These Children, You Wonder, When They Reach Adulthood?

Life

Children

Smart

I'm Very Lazy, I Hate To Work.

Hate

Lazy

I Hate

Contrary To What Many Of You May Imagine, A Career In Letters Is Not Without Its Drawbacks - Chief Among Them The Unpleasant Fact That One Is Frequently Called Upon To Sit Down And Write.

Writing

Careers

Letters

Those Who Use The Word 'lifestyle' Are Rarely In Possession Of Either.

Style

Use

Language

Writing Pornography Is Deadly, Nothing Duller. I Mean A Toll-taker Has A More Exciting Life Than A Pornographer.

Writing

Mean

Tolls

No One's Supposed To Be The President. This Is Not England. And It's Not Just The Bush Family, All Families Designate Each Child As Having Some Particular Trait.

Children

President

England

It's Very Disheartening To Encounter A Fearful Twenty-one Year Old. They Haven't Earned The Right To Be That Afraid. It's Not Like We're Living In War-torn Bosnia Or Something.

Presently It Appears That People Are Mainly Concerned With Being Well Rested. Those Capable Of Uninterrupted Sleep Are Much Admired. Unconsciousness Is In Great Demand. This Is The Day Of The Milligram. The Rigors Of Learning How To Do Long Division Have Been A Traditional Part Of Childhood, Just Like Learning To Smoke. In Fact, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Two Go Hand In Hand. Any Child Who Cannot Do Long Division By Himself Does Not Deserve To Smoke.

Children

Sleep

Hands

One Of The Biggest Changes In My Lifetime, Is The Phenomenon Of Men Wearing Shorts. Men Never Wore Shorts When I Was Young. This Is One Of The Worst Changes, By Far. It's Disgusting. To Have To Sit Next To Grown Men On The Subway In The Summer, And They're Wearing Shorts? They Look Ridiculous, Like Children, And I Can't Take Them Seriously. My Fashion Advice, Particularly To Men Wearing Shorts: Ask Yourself, 'could I Make A Living Modeling These Shorts?' If The Answer Is No, Then Change Your Clothes. Put On A Pair Of Pants.

Summer

Fashion

Children

Generally Speaking, The Poorer Person Summers Where He Winters.

Summer

Winter

Persons

Being A Woman Is Of Special Interest Only To Aspiring Male Transsexuals. To Actual Women, It Is Simply A Good Excuse Not To Play Football.

Football

Play

Special

Great People Talk About Ideas, Average People Talk About Things, And Small People Talk About Wine.

Wine

Average

Ideas

I Do Not Think Everyone Is Created Equal. In Fact, I Know They're Not. [the Constitution] Means That Everyone Should Have The Same Laws As Everyone Else. It Doesn't Mean That Everyone's As Smart Or As Cute Or As Lucky As Everyone Else.

Cute

Smart

Mean

I'd Like To Decide Who Comes Here. I'd Like To Be The Admissions Director Of New York.

New York

Directors

Admission

There's Too Much Democracy In The Culture, Not Enough In The Society.

Democracy

Culture

Too Much

People Who Get Married Because They're In Love Make A Ridiculous Mistake. It Makes Much More Sense To Marry Your Best Friend. You Like Your Best Friend More Than Anyone You're Ever Going To Be In Love With. You Dont Choose Your Best Friend Because They Have A Cute Nose.

Cute

Mistake

Love You

Andy Warhol Made Fame More Famous.

Literature

Fame

Warhol

If You Are Truly Serious Abut Preparing Your Child For The Future, Don't Teach Him To Subtract Teach Him To Deduct.

Children

Literature

Serious

Children Are Much Less Annoying [than Adults] And They Never Start Trends.

Children

Adults

Trends

Food Is Definitely Important Part Of Your Balanced Diet.

Important

Balanced

Balanced Diet

Smoking Is, If Not My Life, Then At Least My Hobby. I Love To Smoke. Smoking Is Fun. Smoking Is Cool. Smoking Is, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult. It Makes Growing Up Genuinely Worthwhile. I Am Quite Well Aware Of The Hazards Of Smoking. Smoking Is Not A Healthful Pastime, It Is True. Smoking Is Indeed No Bracing Dip In The Ocean, No Strenuous Series Of Calisthenics, No Two Laps Around The Reservoir. On The Other Hand, Smoking Has To Its Advantage The Fact That Is A Quiet Pursuit. Smoking Is, In Effect A Dignified Sport.

Sports

Growing Up

Fun

Women Who Insist Upon Having The Same Options As Men Would Do Well To Consider The Option Of Being The Strong, Silent Type

Strong

Equality

Men

My Favorite Animal Is Steak.

Life

Food

Animal

Cheese That Is Required By Law To Append The Word Food To Its Title Does Not Go Well With Red Wine Or Fruit.

Food

Wine

Law

I Am A New Yorker. I Like New York. And I Like Cities. And It's Not My Desire To Make New York More Suburban. I Would Personally Just Like To Vet Each Person.

New York

Cities

Desire

If You Can Stay In Love For More Than Two Years, You're On Something.

Love

Years

Two

Writers Get Exactly The Right Amount Of Fame: Just Enough To Get A Good Table In A Restaurant But Not Enough So That People Are Constantly Interrupting You While You're Eating Dinner.

People

Tables

Dinner

Lifestyle. Not A Word At All, Really - Rather A Wordette. A Genuine Case Of More Is Less. ... The Word Life And The Word Style Are, Except In Rare Cases (and Chances Are That You're Not Of Them), Mutually Exclusive.

Style

Chance

Genuine

While Clothes With Pictures And/or Writing On Them Are Not Entirely An Invention Of The Modern Age, They Are An Unpleasant Indication Of The General State Of Things. ... I Mean, Be Realistic. If People Don't Want To Listen To You, What Makes You Think They Want To Hear From Your Sweater?

Writing

Mean

Thinking

What's So Great Thing About Clothes Is That They're Artificial - You Can Lie, You Can Choose The Way You Look, Which Is Not True Of Natural Beauty. So If You're Naturally Beautiful, Wear What You Want, But That's 01% Of People. Most People Just Aren't Good Looking Enough To Wear What They Have On. They Should Change. They Should Get Some Slacks And A Nice Overcoat. Remember When The Style Was Incredibly Messy Hair? That's Great If You're A Model. But If You're Not A Model, You Would Look Better If You Washed Your Hair, Because You Are Not Beautiful.

Beautiful

Nice

Lying

While It Is Undeniably True That People Love A Surprise, It Is Equally True That They Are Seldom Pleased To Suddenly And Without Warning Happen Upon A Series Of Prunes In What They Took To Be A Normal Loin Of Pork.

Food

People

Pork

I Think Humor Is Warmer, And Wit Is Colder. Wit Is Judgment, Whereas Humor Invites Some Sort Of Response.

Thinking

Judgment

Wit

The Only Appropriate Response To The Question, 'can I Be Frank?' Is, 'yes, If I Can Be Barbara.

Honesty

Barbara

Frank

In Rome People Spend Most Of Their Time Having Lunch. And They Do It Very Well - Rome Is Unquestionably The Lunch Capital Of The World.

Rome

Lunch

People

There Is No Such Thing As Inner Peace. There Is Only Nervousness Or Death. Any Attempt To Prove Otherwise Constitutes Unacceptable Behavior.

Peace

Mind

Literature

If People Don't Want To Listen To You, What Makes You Think They Want To Hear From Your Sweater?

Thinking

Sweaters

People

Think Before You Speak. Read Before You Think.

Inspirational

Wisdom

Book

Nothing Lasts. So It's My Belief, Yes, I Know A Lot Of The Things That We Liked Didn't Last, But Maybe Things We Don't Like, They're Also Not Going To Last. There Has Been Progress In My Lifetime. There Are Certainly Things That Are Better Than When I Was Young, And There Are Things That Are Worse. New York City, It's Worse. There's No Question.

New York

Cities

Progress

I Love Sleep Because It Is Both Pleasant And Safe To Use. Pleasant Because One Is In The Best Possible Company And Safe Because Sleep Is The Consummate Protection Against The Unseemliness That Is The Invariable Consequence Of Being Awake. What You Don't Know Won't Hurt You. Sleep Is Death Without The Responsibility.

Hurt

Sleep

Responsibility

Being Poor Is Like Being A Child. Being Rich Is Like Being An Adult: You Get To Do Whatever You Want. Everyone Is Nice When They Have To Be; Rich People Are Nice When They Feel Like It.

Children

Nice

People

When I Was Young, I Liked Romance. But To Me, Romance Is The Opposite Of Domestic Life. I Just Don't Want Anyone In The Apartment, Not For Longer Than A Few Hours.

Opposites

Romance

Want

If You Don't Have Children And You Don't Have A Job, You Have Time For Friendship ... People Who Have Jobs Are Not The Best Friends To Have. It's Better To Be Friends With People Who Are Unemployed.

Friendship

Jobs

Children

Albert Einstein Didn't Care Where He Lived. Albert Einstein Was A Genius. Albert Einstein Wasn't Getting Lost In The Master Bedroom, He Was Lost In Thought.

Genius

Care

Getting Lost

Food Is An Important Part Of A Balanced Diet.

Funny

Life

Witty

My Favorite Way To Wake Up Is To Have A Certain French Movie Star Whisper To Me Softly At Two-thirty In The Afternoon That If I Want To Get To Sweden In Time To Pick Up My Nobel Prize For Literature, I Had Better Ring For Breakfast. This Occurs Rather Less Often Than One Might Wish.

Stars

Two

Wish

The Downfall Of Most Diets Is That They Restrict Your Intake Of Food.

Downfall

Diets

If Your Sexual Fantasies Were Truly Of Interest To Others, They Would No Longer Be Fantasies.

Sex

Fantasy

Interest

By The Time Everyone Catches Up With You, You're Bored.

Bored

Japanese Food Is Very Pretty And Undoubtedly A Suitable Cuisine In Japan, Which Is Largely Populated By People Of Below Average Size. Hostesses Hell-bent On Serving Such Food To Occidentals Would Be Well Advised To Supplement It With Something More Substantial And To Keep In Mind That Almost Everybody Likes French Fries.

Food

Japan

Average

When I Started Publishing, I Got Offers To Write For Big Magazines. But I Would Always Say, "well, It's Not That I Don't Want To Write For These Big Magazines, But You Can't Edit It."

Writing

Magazines

Want

I Wish That Real Estate Were Cheaper And Clothes Were More Expensive.

Real

Wish

If You Want To Get Ahead In This World Get A Lawyer -- Not A Book.

Book

World

Want

Communism Requires Of Its Adherents That They Arise Early And Participate In A Strenuous Round Of Calisthenics. To Someone Who Wishes That Cigarettes Came Already Lit The Thought Of Such Exertion At An Hour When Decent People Are Just Nodding Off Is Thoroughly Abhorrent.

People

Wish

Abhorrent

Children Are The Most Desirable Opponents At Scrabble As They Are Both Easy To Beat And Fun To Cheat.

Funny

Cheating

Children

The Theater Itself Is So Archaic And Old Fashioned, That It Doesn't Really Matter To Me Whether It's On Avenue D Or At The Helen Hayes Theater. What's The Difference? It's Still A Very Nostalgic Form. Also, It Means You're Knowingly Walking Into A Room Where There's Actors. I Feel It's Very Embarrassing. Because, You Know, They're Right There. You Always Think Like, They Can See You, And I Think It's Mortifying, Frankly, And I Hate To Sit Near The Front, Where You Feel They Actually Might See You. It's Too ... It's Too Live.

Hate

Mean

Thinking

Maybe It's Superficial To Exude A Sense Of Confidence In One's Clothes. But It's Also Integral. We Have An Appearance. Not All Of Us Are Beautiful. But We Can Appear Fine Looking. So We Should. Feeling Good About An Outfit Is The Point At Which That Outfit Finally Becomes Good.

Beautiful

Feel Good

Feelings

[on Parenthood:] You Can't Change Your Mind--you Know, And Say, This Isn't Working Out, Let's Sell.

Work Out

Mind

Parenthood

Your Responsibility As A Parent Is Never Great As The Case Is With The Mother.

Mother

Responsibility

Parent

Whenever Someone Accuses Someone Of Being A Racist - Which Is Rare, You Have To Admit, Considering How Much Racism There Is - There Is An Incredible Outrage. I Realized That We Live In An Environment That It Seems To Be Worse To Call Someone A Racist Than To Be One.

Racism

Racist

Environment

Notoriously Insensitive To Subtle Shifts In Mood, Children Will Persist In Discussing The Color Of A Recently Sighted Cement-mixer Long After One's Own Interest In The Topic Has Waned.

Children

Color

Long

When It Comes To Sports I Am Not Particularly Interested. Generally Speaking, I Look Upon Them As Dangerous And Tiring Activities Performed By People With Whom I Share Nothing Except The Right To Trial By Jury.

Sports

People

Looks

That I Am Totally Devoid Of Sympathy For, Or Interest In, The World Of Groups Is Directly Attributable To The Fact That My Two Greatest Needs And Desires - Smoking Cigarettes And Plotting Revenge - Are Basically Solitary Pursuits.

Revenge

Being Alone

Two

Now The Culture Is Made Of Old Things, It's A Collage. Art Made Out Of Art Is Not Art. You're Supposed To Make Art Out Of Life.

Art

Old Things

Culture

Most Writers Write Too Much. I Have The Exact Opposite Problem. I Feel I Could Write Almost Anything In A Paragraph. I Have A Natural Ability To Condense, And So I Often Think, "are You Kidding Me? Five Thousand Words? How Am I Gonna Make 5,000 Words Out Of That?"

Writing

Thinking

Opposites

Nature Is By And Large To Be Found Out Of Doors, A Location Where, It Cannot Be Argued, There Are Never Enough Comfortable Chairs.

Funny

Women

Humor

People Are Constantly Telling Me, Whether They Are Friends Who Feel Sorry For Me, Because I Can't Find A Place To Live, Or Real Estate Agents, "you Can't Afford An Apartment The Size You Need With This Many Books. Why Don't You Just Put Some Of Your Books In Storage?" And I Always Say The Same Thing: "what If I Told You I Had Four Children? Would You Say, 'you Just Can't Afford To House Four Children. Why Don't You Just Put Two Of Them In Storage?'" That's How I Feel.

Children

Sorry

Real

Local Television Shows Do Not, In General, Supply Make-up Artists. The Exception To This Is Los Angeles, An Unusually Generous City In This Regard, Since They Also Provide This Service For Radio Appearances.

Artist

Cities

Television

The Telephone Is A Good Way To Talk To People Without Having To Offer Them A Drink.

Humorous

Drinking

Memorable

In Conversation You Can Use Timing, A Look, An Inflection. But On The Page All You Have Is Commas, Dashes, The Amount Of Syllables In A Word. When I Write, I Read Everything Out Loud To Get The Right Rhythm.

Writing

Use

Pages

There Is Nothing More Mine Than My Writing, Nothing I'm More Proprietary About.

Writing

Mines

The First People Who Died Of Aids Were Artists. They Were The Most Interesting People.

Artist

People

Interesting

Breakfast Cereals That Come In The Same Colors As Polyester Leisure Suits Make Oversleeping A Virtue.

Food

Cereal

Color

Any Artist Who Has That Quality Of Timelessness Has That Quality Because They Tell The Truth.

Artist

Quality

Telling The Truth

I Walk A Lot In New York, Not For The Exercise But To Get From Place To Place, And Because It's The Way Of Having The Least Contact With Human Beings.

New York

Exercise

Way

Cold Soup Is A Very Tricky Thing And It Is A Rare Hostess Who Can Carry It Off. More Often Than Not The Dinner Guest Is Left With The Impression That Had He Only Come A Little Earlier He Could Have Gotten It While It Was Still Hot.

Food

Dinner Guests

Hot

I Hate Money. It Is Boring And It Is Arithmetic. The Two Things I Hate The Most.

Hate

Two

Boring

People (a Group That In My Opinion Has Always Attracted An Undue Amount Of Attention) Have Often Been Likened To Snowflakes. This Analogy Is Meant To Suggest That Each Is Unique - No Two Alike. This Is Quite Patently Not The Case. People, Even At The Current Rate Of Inflation - In Fact, People Especially At The Current Rate Of Inflation - Are Quite Simply A Dime A Dozen. And, I Hasten To Add, Their Only Similarity To Snowflakes Resides In Their Invariably And Lamentable Tendency To Turn, After A Few Warm Days, To Slush.

Unique

Two

People

We Are All Born With A Rut Radar. Mine Is Finely Wired, A Little Oversensitive Maybe. Perhaps Just A Bit Hyperactive. Twenty Steady Boyfriends Before Turning 16, A New Best Friend 12 Times A Year, Switched College Majors Every Time I Met Someone Who Seemed Exactly Like The Sort Of Person I Really, Really Wanted To Be. I'm Not Fickle. I'm Just Never There Yet.

College

Years

Twenties

I Have A Hard Time Writing. Most Writers Have A Hard Time Writing. I Have A Harder Time Than Most Because I'm Lazier Than Most. [...] The Other Problem I Have Is Fear Of Writing. The Act Of Writing Puts You In Confrontation With Yourself, Which Is Why I Think Writers Assiduously Avoid Writing. [...] Not Writing Is More Of A Psychological Problem Than A Writing Problem. All The Time I'm Not Writing I Feel Like A Criminal. [...] It's Horrible To Feel Felonious Every Second Of The Day. Especially When It Goes On For Years. It's Much More Relaxing Actually To Work.

Writing

Hard Times

Thinking

Your Grandparents Did Not Endure The Indignities Of A Steerage Journey To Ellis Island So That You Could Stand Outside A Discothèque And Beg A Wallpaper Designer To Take You In With Him.

Journey

Islands

Grandparent

When We Were Young, We Knew Things. We Knew Basic History, Even As It Related To Fashion. Now, When Something Reappears, An 18 Year Old Has No Clue That It's A Revival. Despite The Fact That They're Almost Always Online They Don't Get References. I Think That's Part Of Why Visual Things Are Becoming So Derivative.

Fashion

Thinking

Clue

The Main Symptom Of Falling In Love Is That You Lose Your Intellectual Prowess.

Falling In Love

Sex

Love Is

Humility Is No Substitute For A Good Personality.

Inspirational

Humility

Personality

Science Has Done Absolutely Nothing About Noise. The Worst Design Flaw In The Human Body Is That You Can't Close Your Ears. The Reason You Can't Close Your Ears Is, If A Lion Was Coming, You Had To Wake Up. Today No Lions Are Coming. Beeping Trucks Are Coming. I Read The Other Day That The Guy Who Invented The Beep When Trucks Go Backward, He Died. I Thought: Of Course - He Dies, I Have To Listen To It.

Design

Guy

Wake Up

A Hobby Is, Of Course, An Abomination, As Are All Consuming Interests And Passions That Do Not Lead Directly To Large, Personal Gain.

Passion

Hobbies

Gains

There's Also The Idea In This Country [usa], It's Not Wholly New, But It's New In Its Kind Of Purity, In That You Have To Be Really Smart To Be Really Rich. I Always Say To People, The Reason People Believe This Is A) They've Never Met A Really Smart Person, And B) They've Never Met A Really Rich Person. I Have Met Both, And I Cannot See The Crossover. You Do Not Have To Be A Genius To Get Rich. You Have To Be Ruthless To Get Rich.

Country

Smart

Believe

Violet Will Be A Good Color For Hair At Just About The Same Time That Brunette Becomes A Good Color For Flowers.

Inspirational

Teenage

Flower

I Have A Double Policy, Which Would Also Solve Immigration: I Would Stand At The Border Of New York City And I Would Say, "you Can Come Here To Live, But You Can't Come Here To Visit."

New York

Cities

Immigration

The Conversational Overachiever Is Someone Whose Grasp Exceeds His Reach. This Is Possible But Not Attractive.

Talking

Literature

Attractive

Romantic Love Is Mental Illness. But It's A Pleasurable One. It's A Drug. It Distorts Reality, And That's The Point Of It. It Would Be Impossible To Fall In Love With Someone That You Really Saw. The Second You Meet Someone That You're Going To Fall In Love With You Deliberately Become A Moron. You Do This In Order To Fall In Love, Because It Would Be Impossible To Fall In Love With Any Human Being If You Actually Saw Them For What They Are.

Broken Heart

Falling In Love

Love You

The 3 Questions Of Greatest Concern Are:, 1) Is It Attractive?, 2) Is It Amusing?, 3) Does It Know Its Place?

Doe

Amusing

Attractive

Without These Tourists, New York Would Be Fantastic. I Don't Want Them To Come. Stay Home!

New York

Home

Tourists

Because I Was Young, I Had This Long Hair, And People Used To Try To Tip Me With Joints.

Hair

Long

People

I Prefer Dead Writers Because You Don't Run Into Them At Parties.

Running

Party

If You Live In New York And You Have A Guest Room, You Have Guests. So I Think It's Best Not To Have A Guest Room.

Tolerance Is Really A Better Thing Than Understanding. Because It Doesn't Agitate Against Human Nature.

Understanding

Tolerance

Human Nature

I've Never Had The Experience Of Being Edited And Never Will.

Edited

My Dream Writing Room Would Be The Imperial Library In Vienna.

Dream

Writing

Library

I've Done The Calculation And Your Chances Of Winning The Lottery Are Identical Whether You Play Or Not.

Funny

Money

Winning

Even If People Aren't Republicans, It Doesn't Seem Shocking To Them That Ronald Reagan Was The President. Well Of Course, Because Arnold Schwarzenegger Was The Governor! This Is Not Only A Bar Too Low, This Is No Bar At All. I Don't Care Who You Are, You Know 20 People Smarter Than Ronald Reagan. You Know 20 People Who Would Be A Better President Than Ronald Reagan.

People

President

Would Be

When I Fly, I'm Never Afraid The Plane Is Going To Crash. But There Have Often Been Times When I Was Afraid It Wouldn't Crash. I Was Just Afraid It Was Going To Circle O'hare For The Rest Of My Life.

Circles

Modern Life

Crash

All God's Children Are Not Beautiful. Most Of God's Children Are, In Fact, Barely Presentable.

Funny

Beauty

Beautiful

To Put It Rather Bluntly, I Am Not The Type Who Wants To Go Back To The Land; I Am The Type Who Wants To Go Back To The Hotel.

Witty

Nature

Travel

If You Are A Dog And Your Owner Suggests That You Wear A Sweater Suggest That He Wear A Tail.

Dog

Silly

Animal

If People Had Gavels, There Would Be No Wars. If Every Person In The World Had A Gavel And Could Bang It And Get Everyone's Attention Right Away And Make Their Displeasure Known, I Believe The Level Of Actual Violence In The World Would Just Disappear To Practically Nothing.

War

Believe

People

I Wouldn't Say That I Dislike The Young. I'm Simply Not A Fan Of Naïveté.

Fans

Vets

Young

When Someone Asks, 'why Do You Think He's Not Calling Me?' There's Always One Answer - 'he's Not Interested.' There's Not Ever Any Other Answer.

Thinking

Dating

Calling

Romantic Love Is Mental Illness. But It's A Pleasurable One. It's A Drug. It Distorts Reality, And That's The Point Of It. It Would Be Impossible To Fall In Love With Someone That You Really Saw.

Love

Relationship

Fall

New York Was Always More Expensive Than Any Other Place In The United States, But You Could Live In New York - And By New York, I Mean Manhattan. Brooklyn Was The Borough Of Grandparents. We Didn't Live Well. We Lived In These Horrible Places. But You Could Live In New York. And You Didn't Have To Think About Money Every Second.

New York

Mean

Thinking

Do Not Elicit Your Child's Political Opinions. He Doesn't Know Any More Than You Do.

Children

Political Opinions

Knows

New York City Is Filled With The Same Kind Of People I Left New Jersey To Get Away From.

New York

Cities

People

Ask Your Child What He Wants For Dinner Only If He's Buying.

Life

Children

Humorous

...i Believed Passionately That Communists Were A Race Of Horned Men Who Divided Their Time Equally Between The Burning Of Nancy Drew Books And The Devising Of A Plan Of Nuclear Attack That Would Land The Largest And Most Lethal Bomb Squarely Upon The Third-grade Class Of Thomas Jefferson School In Morristown, New Jersey.

War

Book

School

Children Are Rarely In The Position To Lend One A Truly Interesting Sum Of Money. There Are, However, Exceptions, And Such Children Are An Excellent Addition To Any Party.

Children

Party

Interesting

A Person Who Actually Knows How To Wear Clothes...they Would Look Good In Any Clothes. You See This Especially At The Academy Awards. Even If The Dresses Are Beautiful And Expensive And Important, The Actresses Can't Always Carry Them. Sometimes I Feel Like Saying To Them, "act! You Know How To Act, You're An Actor. You're About To Win An Award For, I Don't Know, Convincingly Playing That Venezuelan Nun Who Went To War. Now Act Like You Can Wear This Dress.".

Beautiful

War

Winning

Anti-smoking Sentiment Has Replaced Middle-class Morality Entirely. The Smoker Has Taken The Place Of The Homosexual. Today You Hear People Say Things About Smokers That Used To Be Said About Homosexuals - They Pollute The Environment; You Don't Want Them Around Your Children.

Children

Taken

Class

If, While Watching The Sun Set On A Used-car Lot In Los Angeles, You Are Struck By The Parallels Between This Image And The Inevitable Fate Of Humanity, Do Not, Under Any Circumstances, Write It Down.

Writing

Fate

Car

No Animal Should Ever Jump Up On The Dining-room Furniture Unless Absolutely Certain That He Can Hold His Own In The Conversation.

Dog

Animal

Pet

The Second I Learned To Read In First Grade, When I Was 5, I Preferred It To Life. And I Still Do.

Reading

Firsts

Grades

I Hate All Jobs. I've Never Had A Job I Liked.

Jobs

Hate

I Hate

Twenty-four-hour Room Service Generally Refers To The Length Of Time That It Takes For The Club Sandwich To Arrive. This Is Indeeddisheartening, Particularly When You've Ordered Scrambled Eggs.

Eggs

Twenties

Room Service

Never Judge A Cover By Its Book.

Book

Judging

If You Are Of The Opinion That The Contemplation Of Suicide Is Sufficient Evidence Of A Poetic Nature, Do Not Forget That Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

Funny

Suicide

Nature

Think Before You Speak. Read Before You Think. This Will Give You Something To Think About That You Didn't Make Up Yourself - A Wise Move At Any Age, But Most Especially At Seventeen, When You Are In The Greatest Danger Of Coming To Annoying Conclusions.

Wise

Moving

Thinking

To Me The Outdoors Is What You Must Pass Through In Order To Get From Your Apartment Into A Taxicab.

Order

Apartment

Raisins Are A Thing That Lasts, They Come In Small Boxes, And You Always Feel Like Eating Raisins, Even At Six In The Morning. A Raisin Is Always An Appropriate Snack.

Morning

Food

Snacks

If You Read A Lot, Nothing Is As Great As You've Imagined. Venice Is - Venice Is Better.

Venice

Ifs

Life Is Something To Do When You Can't Get To Sleep.

Funny

Life

Happiness

Abandon The Search For Truth; Settle For A Good Fantasy

Fantasy

Bumper Sticker

Settling

Citizen's Band Radio Renders One Accessible To A Wide Variety Of People From All Walks Of Life. It Should Not Be Forgotten That All Walks Of Life Include Conceptual Artists, Dry Cleaners, And Living Poets.

Artist

People

Citizens

In New York We Have Zillions Of Different Kinds Of People, Many Of Them Hate Each Other, But Violence Based On That Hatred Is Really Uncommon Here.

New York

Hate

People

New Yorkers, We've Seen Donald Trump For, Like, 30 Years; We Know Who He Is. So He Wasn't A Surprise To Me.

Years

Surprise

Trump

You Should Make It Hard On Yourself To Write So You’re Easier To Read.

Writing

Easier

Should

Television Turned Out To Be Exactly As Bad As The Most Irritating And Pedantic Intellectuals Of The '50s Said It Was Going To Be.

Television

Said

Pedantic

I Hate Writing. I Will Do Anything To Avoid It. The Only Way I Could Write Less Was If I Was Dead.

Hate

Writing

Way

All The Time I'm Not Writing I Feel Like A Criminal. It's Horrible To Feel Felonious Every Second Of The Day. It's Much More Relaxing To Actually Write.

Writing

Criminals

Horrible

I Had To Go On Tv With The President Of The Catholic League, Which Is Not An Official Organization At All, Just A Lot Of Catholics, Or Maybe It's Just This Guy. He Demanded To De-fund Art Completely And Argued That Taxpayers Should Not Pay For It. I Said People Who Represent The Catholic Church Shouldn't Talk About Taxes.

Art

Organization

People

Should You Be A Teenager Blessed With Uncommon Good Looks, Document This State Of Affairs By The Taking Of Photographs. It Is The Only Way Anyone Will Ever Believe You In Years To Come.

Teenager

Believe

Blessed

To Me, O'hara Is The Real Fitzgerald.

Real

Even When America Is Not Working That Well, It Still Works Better Than Other Places.

America

Wells

Stills

If There Were, Say, Only 10 Percent Of The Hotels That Exist Now, There Would Be All These Apartments For People Who Live In New York, As Opposed To People Visiting New York. And Then All This Junk In The Theater, We Would No Longer Need The Kind Of Stuff That Tourists Like.

New York

People

Junk

Even When Freshly Washed And Relieved Of All Obvious Confections, Children Tend To Be Sticky.

Mom

Baby

Children

A Woman's Quest In Life Should Be To Find The Perfect Apartment. And I Have Found The Perfect Apartment. The Perfect Apartment Is The First Floor Of The Metropolitan Museum. With A Sofa.

Museums

Perfect

Firsts

I've Always Been Old At Heart.

Heart

I Believe In Talking Behind Peoples' Backs. That Way, They Hear It More Than Once.

Believe

Talking

Way

I Woke Up At Five O'clock In The Morning With The Whole First Paragraph In My Head. Now, This Just Shows What A Slothful Person I Am: I Tried To Go Back To Sleep.

Morning

Sleep

Firsts

I'm Not A Nervous Person. I'm Not Afraid To Be On Tv. I'm Only Afraid When I Write. When I'm At My Desk I Feel Like Most People Would Feel If They Went On Tv.

Writing

People

Tvs

A Great Many People In Los Angeles Are On Special Diets That Restrict Their Intake Of Synthetic Foods. The Reason For This Appears To Be A Widely Held Belief That Organically Grown Fruits And Vegetables Make The Cocaine Work Faster.

Vegetables

People

Special

You Know, Almost Everyone Is An Irritant To Me. I Think People Have Forgotten What The Word 'public' Means. 'public' Means You're Going To Be Irritated. It's A Natural Consequence Of Leaving One's Home. You Go Outside, And There Are People Who Are Irritating. I'll Be Standing On The Sidewalk, And Someone Berates Me For Smoking. I Look At The Person And Think, But What About Your Shoes? How Can You Wear Shoes Like That And Have The Confidence To Accost Someone Like Me?

Home

Mean

Thinking

There Are Too Many Books. The Books Are Terrible. And This Is Because You Have Been Taught To Have Self-esteem.

Self Esteem

Book

Taught

I'm Not A Communist. I'm An American. I'm A Capitalist. I Mean, I'm Not A Very Good Capitalist, Myself. I'm Not Very Good At It, But It's Not That I'm Not For Capitalism. But People Who Believe In Things Like Corporate Citizenship, It's Idiotic. I Mean, It Shows You're An Idiot.

Believe

Mean

People

This Idea That People Have To Love And Understand Each Other Is Absurd. It's Not Human Nature.

Ideas

People

Human Nature

Romantic Love Is Mental Illness. But It's A Pleasurable One.

Funny Love

Best Love

Romantic Love

One Of The Big Mistakes They Made In Europe Is That The Circumstances In Which You Most Frequently Read Or Hear The Word "race" Or "racism" In Europe Applies To Muslims. Which Is Not A Race. It Is A Religion. You Can Convert To This. You Cannot Convert Your Race. I Could Become A Muslim. I Could Not Become A Chinese Person Or A Black Person. So They Constantly Use That In Europe.

Mistake

Race

Europe

Girls Who Put Out Are Tramps. Girls Who Don't Are Ladies. This Is, However, A Rather Archaic Usage Of The Word. Should One Of You Boys Happen Upon A Girl Who Doesn't Put Out, Do Not Jump To The Conclusion That You Have Found A Lady. What You Have Probably Found Is A Lesbian.

Girl

Women

Gay

Success Didn't Spoil Me, I've Always Been Insufferable.

Inspirational

Life

Motivational

A Community Is A Butcher And A Doctor, A Minister, A Town Troublemaker. A "community" Is Not A Bunch Of People United By Some Grievance. That's Just Self-righteousness - Incredibly Dangerous And Antidemocratic.

Doctors

Self

People

Until I Was About 7, I Thought Books Were Just There, Like Trees. When I Learned That People Actually Wrote Them, I Wanted To, Too, Because All Children Aspire To Inhuman Feats Like Flying. Most People Grow Up To Realize They Can't Fly. Writers Are People Who Don't Grow Up To Realize They Can't Be God.

Children

Growing Up

Book

You Can Be Nasty When You Are Young, But You Really Have To Be Older To Achieve Bitterness.

Bitterness

Nasty

Achieve

In Real Life, I Assure You, There Is No Such Thing As Algebra.

Inspirational

Real

Math

Polite Conversation Is Rarely Either.

Inspirational

Funny

Witty

Designer Clothes Worn By Children Are Like Snowsuits Worn By Adults. Few Can Carry It Off Successfully.

Children

Designer Clothes

Adults

Calling A Taxi In Texas Is Like Calling A Rabbi In Iraq.

Funny

Travel

Texas

Generally Speaking, It Is Inhumane To Detain A Fleeting Insight.

Fleeting

Insight

Inhumane

There's Nothing Like Being Old To Be Sure Of Everything.

Being Old

If You Feel The Urge To Write, Just Lie Down And Read A Book: It Will Pass.

Lying

Book

Writing

People Always Say "pop Culture." As If We Have Some High Culture To Distinguish It From.

People

Culture

Pops

Los Angeles Is A Large City-like Area Surrounding The Beverly Hills Hotel.

Cities

Beverly Hills

Los Angeles

Children Ask Better Questions Than Adults. "may I Have A Cookie?" "why Is The Sky Blue?" And "what Does A Cow Say?" Are Far More Likely To Elicit A Cheerful Response Than "where's Your Manuscript?" "why Haven't You Called?" And "who's Your Lawyer?"

Children

Blue

Sky

I Always Make A Big Effort To Make A Distinction Between What Is Actually Worse Or What Is Just Worse About Not Being 21. Of Course, It's Much Worse Not To Be 21. This Is A Given. But There Are Things That Are Worse.

Effort

Bigs

Given

It's Very Important When Making A Friend To Check And See If They Have A Private Plane. People Think A Good Personality Trait In A Friend Is Kindness Or A Sense Of Humor. No, In A Friend A Good Personality Trait Is A Gulfstream.

Friends

Kindness

Thinking

Writing Is So Hard. Why Would You Be A Writer If You Weren't Really Good At It? If You Could Be Anything Else, Why Would You Be A Writer?

Writing

Hard

Ifs

It Is Imperative When Flying Coach That You Restrain Any Tendency Toward The Vividly Imaginative. For Although It May Momentarily Appear To Be The Case, It Is Not At All Likely That The Cabin Is Entirely Inhabited By Crying Babies Smoking Inexpensive Domestic Cigars.

Baby

Smoking

Flying

Perhaps One Of The More Noteworthy Trends Of Our Time Is The Occupation Of Buildings Accompanied By The Taking Of Hostages. The Perpetrators Of These Deeds Are Generally Motivated By Political Grievance, Social Injustice, And The Deeply Felt Desire To See How They Look On Tv.

Political

Desire

Deeds

I Have A Real Aversion To Machines. I Write With A Pen. Then I Read It To Someone Who Writes It Onto The Computer. What Are Those Computer Letters Made Of Anyway? Light? Too Insubstantial. Paper, You Can Feel It. A Pen. There's A Connection. A Pen Goes Exactly At Your Speed, Whereas That Machine Jumps. And Then, That Machine Is Waiting For You, Just Humming "uh-huh, Yes?

Real

Writing

Light

They Know You Can't Get People To Stop Smoking, So They Develop A System Of Informants. That's The Whole Idea Of Second-hand Smoke, You Know. Make Second-hand Smoke Dangerous And Turn Everybody Against Smokers. Then They Say You Can't Even Smoke In A Bar - A Bar! - Because Bartenders Have A Right To A Smoke-free "workspace." Ah, Bartenders, Those Health Nuts.

Hands

Nuts

Ideas

When I Was Young, Boys Didn't Type.

Boys

Type

Young

It Is Not True That There Is Dignity In All Work. Some Jobs Are Definitely Better Than Others.

Jobs

Dignity

The Thing You Love Right Away, Don't Do It, Because That's The Very Thing That's Going To Be Your Addiction For The Rest Of Your Life.

Addiction

Rest Of Your Life

Things You Love

Perhaps The Least Cheering Statement Ever Made On The Subject Of Art Is That Life Imitates It.

Art

Cheer

Made

For The Movie Review Columns, I Always Knew Exactly What I Was Going To Write About - The Movies.

Writing

Columns

Reviews

There's No Such Thing As Advice To The Lovelorn. If They Took Advice, They Wouldn't Be Lovelorn. You See, Advice And Lovelorn Don't Go Together. Because Advice Makes Love Sound Like Some Sort Of Cognitive Activity, But We Know That It Isn't. We All Know That It's Some Sort Of Horrible Chemical Reaction Over Which We Have Absolutely No Control. And That's Why Advice Doesn't Work.

Advice

Making Love

Together

[children Are] Like Talking Animals. Their Consciousness Is So Different From Ours That They Constitute A Different Species. They Don't Have To Be Particularly Interesting Children; Just The Fact That They Are Children Is Sufficient. They Don't Know What Anything Is, So They Have To Make It Up. No Matter How Dull They Are, They Still Have To Figure Things Out For Themselves.

Children

Animal

Talking

New York's Not Exactly Antiseptic. It Could Be Clean And Less Dangerous, And Not Horrible, Not Under A Tidal Wave Of Tourists.

New York

Tourists

Wave

Spilling Your Guts Is Just Exactly As Charming As It Sounds.

Sound

Catchy

Charming

One [new York] Eatery Is A Remodeled Diner That Looks Like What Busby Berkeley Would Have Done If Only He Hadn't Had The Money.

New York

Looks

Done

Smoking Is, If Not My Life, Then At Least My Hobby. I Love To Smoke. Smoking Is Fun. Smoking Is Cool. Smoking Is, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult.

Fun

Smoking

Adults

Any Child Who Cannot Do Long Division By Himself Does Not Deserve To Smoke.

Children

Long

Doe

I Place A High Moral Value On The Way People Behave. I Find It Repellent To Have A Lot, And To Behave With Anything Other Than Courtesy In The Old Sense Of The Word - Politeness Of The Heart, A Gentleness Of The Spirit.

Heart

People

House

In Fact, We Live In A Culture Where Intelligence, Exceptional Or Not, Is Reviled.

Culture

Facts

Exceptional

There Are Two Kinds Of Music - Good Music And Bad Music. Good Music Is Music That I Want To Hear. Bad Music Is Music That I Don't Want To Hear.

Two

Want

Kind

I Have The Exact Opposite Problem Of Every Writer I've Ever Met: Every Writer I've Ever Met Writes Things That Are Too Long, And They Have To Edit Them Down.

Writing

Opposites

Long

Scientists Are Rarely To Be Counted Among The Fun People. Awkward At Parties, Shy With Strangers, Deficient In Irony - They Have Had No Choice But To Turn Their Attention To The Close Study Of Everyday Objects.

Fun

Party

Science

Understanding Quotes: Their Essence and Application

Quotes, or quotations, are powerful tools in communication, encapsulating ideas, emotions, and wisdom in concise expressions. They serve various purposes across different contexts, from academic writing to everyday conversation.

1. Defining Quotes

A quote is a repetition of someone else's statement or thoughts. It can be a direct replication of words spoken or written by another individual, often used to support arguments, provide evidence, or convey profound insights.

2. The Importance of Quotes

2.1. Enhancing Credibility

Incorporating quotes from authoritative sources can bolster the credibility of your work. By referencing experts or primary sources, you demonstrate thorough research and a solid foundation for your arguments.

2.2. Providing Evidence

Quotes serve as concrete evidence to support claims. In academic and professional writing, they validate points made, offering readers a basis to trust the information presented.

2.3. Conveying Emotions and Perspectives

Quotes can encapsulate emotions and perspectives succinctly. They allow writers to express complex feelings or viewpoints through the words of others, often more eloquently than paraphrasing.

3. Types of Quotes

3.1. Direct Quotes

Direct quotes involve copying the exact words from a source, enclosed in quotation marks. They are used when the original wording is significant or particularly well-expressed.

3.2. Indirect Quotes (Paraphrasing)

Indirect quotes restate the original message in your own words. While not enclosed in quotation marks, they still require proper attribution to the original source.

3.3. Block Quotes

Block quotes are lengthy direct quotations, formatted as a separate block of text. They are typically used for quotes exceeding a certain length, varying by citation style. For instance, in APA style, quotes longer than 40 words are formatted as block quotes.

4. Proper Usage of Quotes

4.1. Contextual Relevance

Ensure that the quote you choose is relevant to the topic and adds value to your content. Avoid inserting quotes solely for decorative purposes.

4.2. Integration into Your Writing

Seamlessly integrate quotes into your writing. Introduce them appropriately and follow up with analysis or commentary to connect them to your main points.

4.3. Attribution and Citation

Always attribute quotes to their original authors and provide proper citations according to the required style guide (APA, MLA, Chicago, etc.).

5. Common Mistakes to Avoid

5.1. Overusing Quotes

Relying too heavily on quotes can overshadow your voice. Use them sparingly to support your arguments, not replace them.

5.2. Lack of Analysis

Presenting a quote without analysis or explanation can leave readers questioning its relevance. Always follow up with your interpretation or discussion.

5.3. Misquoting or Taking Out of Context

Ensure that quotes are accurate and not taken out of context, as this can mislead readers and undermine your credibility.

6. Quotes in Different Contexts

6.1. Academic Writing

In academic writing, quotes are used to support arguments, provide evidence, and engage with existing literature. Proper citation is crucial to avoid plagiarism.

6.2. Journalism

Journalists use quotes to provide firsthand accounts, add authenticity, and present multiple perspectives within a story.

6.3. Literature and Creative Writing

In literature, quotes can be used to convey character voices, themes, and stylistic elements. They enrich narratives and provide depth to storytelling.

7. Punctuation and Formatting

Understanding the correct punctuation and formatting of quotes is essential:

Quotation Marks: Always enclose direct quotes within quotation marks.

Punctuation Placement: In American English, periods and commas are placed inside quotation marks, while colons and semicolons are placed outside.

Block Quotes: For longer quotes, format them as block quotes without quotation marks, and indent the entire block.

8. Ethical Considerations

Ethical use of quotes involves accurate representation, proper attribution, and respect for intellectual property. Misuse can lead to plagiarism, which carries serious academic and professional consequences.

9. Tools for Managing Quotes

Utilize tools like citation generators and plagiarism checkers to manage quotes effectively. These tools help ensure proper formatting and originality in your writing.

Conclusion

Quotes are invaluable in enriching content, providing evidence, and conveying complex ideas succinctly. When used appropriately, they enhance the quality and credibility of your writing. Always ensure relevance, proper integration, and ethical usage to maximize their impact.

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