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I Used To Have Horrible Cars That Would Always End Up Broken Down On The Highway. When I Tried To Flag Someone Down, Nobody Stopped. But If I Pushed My Own Car, Other Drivers Would Get Out And Push With Me. If You Want Help, Help Yourself - People Like To See That.

-Chris Rock

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I Used To Have

Chris Rock

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I Used To Have Horrible Cars That Would Always End Up Broken Down On The Highway. When I Tried To Flag Someone Down, Nobody Stopped. But If I Pushed My Own Car, Other Drivers Would Get Out And Push With Me. If You Want Help, Help Yourself - People Like To See That.

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Whatever Your Pleasure, I Can Facilitate. You Need Weed, You Need Meth - Hey, You Need Prozac, I'm Your Man. I Know How You White Boys Always Deal With That Depression. I Mean Me Personally, I Don't Understand What You White Boys Are All Depressed About. Hey, You're White! Smile!

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I've Been Away From My Two Daughters At A Very Important Time In Their Life.'i Have Missed Most Of Girl Scout Cookie Season.last Night Zahra, My Youngest Called Me Up And Said :"daddy How Come We Never Sell The Most Cookies? How Come Mrs. Dunn Wins Every Year?"'

Kids Always Act Up The Most Before They Go To Sleep. And When I See The Tea Party And All This Stuff, It Actually Feels Like Racism’s Almost Over. Because This Is The Last - This Is The Act Up Before The Sleep. They’re Going Crazy. They’re Insane. You Want To Get Rid Of Them - And The Next Thing You Know, They’re Fucking Knocked Out. And That’s What’s Going On In The Country Right Now.

My Mother Always Says: "you Know Better, So You'll Be Punished. Your Friends Don't Know Better, So They Won't Be Punished. They Can Go Snatch Chains And They'll Be Fine. But If You Snatch Chains, You'll End Up In Jail Because You Know Better."

There Are People Who Would Like To Get Rid Of Minimum Wage. But We Have To Have It, Because If We Didn't Some People Would Not Get Paid Money. They Would Work All Week For Two Loaves Of Bread And Some Spam.

I've Seen Women Who Don't Have Great Relationships With Their Dads, And It All Comes Down To This: You Have To Tell Girls You Love Them Every Day.

Great Relationship

Everyone Has Favorite Criminals. Mine Are Pimps. We Can All Rob A Bank; We Can All Sell Drugs. Being A Pimp Is A Whole Other Thing.

You Don't Need A Critic To Tell You People Aren't Laughing.

When A Musical Act Performs, The Black Audience Goes Crazy For All The Stuff, The Album Cuts, Everything. White Audiences, They're Nice And All, But They're Not Going To Lose It Until They Get The Hits. Comedy Is The Same Thing.

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A Black Man Will Be Elected President Of The United States. I'm Sorry, That's In The Year 10,000.

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The Thing I Try To Get Across To The Writers - And I Do A Lot Of Writing, Too - Is That When I Do Stand-up, Nothing I Talk About Is Funny. Everything Is Really Sad And Tragic And Then I Make It Funny.

I Literally Don't Know What I'm Going To Do Next. That's Successful.

I'll Probably Pay More Attention To The Musicians In The Pit Than The Stars Because They're The Closest You're Going To Get To Normal People In The Audience.

I'll Go Back To Comedy Clubs When They Get A Real No-camera Policy, The Same Way They Did With Smoking.

The Thing About Having An Audience Right There Laughing Is That Critics Can Write What They Want, But The Proof Is Right There In Front Of You.

That's All We Had When I Was A Kid: Robitussin. No Matter What You Got, Robitussin Better Handle It. "daddy, I Got Asthma." "robitussin." "i Got Cancer." "robitussin." "i Broke My Leg." Daddy Poured Robitussin On It. "yeah, Boy, Let That 'tussin Get In There. Yeah, Boy, Let That 'tussin Get On Down To The Bone. The 'tussin Ought To Straighten Out The Bone."

We Treat Racism In This Country Like It's A Style That America Went Through. Like Flared Legs And Lava Lamps. Oh, That Crazy Thing We Did. We Were Hanging Black People. We Treat It Like A Fad Instead Of A Disease That Eradicates Millions Of People. You've Got To Get It At A Lab, And Study It, And See Its Origins, And See What It's Immune To And What Breaks It Down.

If Poor People Knew How Rich Rich People Are, There Would Be Riots In The Streets.

People Are Always Going To, You Know, Find Something Wrong With People Who Are Not The Exact Same As Them. That's Just What It Is. Black, White, Short, Tall, Religions, Whatever. People Are Bad.

There's Not One Reference In That Thing That Doesn't Play. People Deal With Emotions In Music All The Time, But Comedians Are Always Talking About What They See. But We Seldom Talk About What We Feel.

You Can't Think The Thoughts You Want To Think If You Think You're Being Watched.

I Learned Pretty Quickly That It's Your Work Ethic That Levels The Playing Field. Education Helps, But I've Met Failures Who Have Ph.d.s. I Believe The Hardest Worker Is Always Going To Win.

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If You Live Below Your Means, You Can Turn Down Stuff All The Time.

Relationships, Easy To Get Into, Hard To Maintain. Why Are They So Hard To Maintain? Because It’s Hard To Keep Up The Lie! ‘cause You Can’t Get Nobody Being You. You Got To Lie To Get Somebody. You Can’t Get Nobody Looking Like You Look, Acting Like You Act, Sounding Like You Sound. When You Meet Somebody For The First Time, You’re Not Meeting Them. You’re Meeting Their Representative!

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God Bless America. And No Place Else.

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The Democrats Should Have An Empty Chair On Stage For The Entire Dnc, And When Anyone Asks Who It Belongs To, They Can Say Osama Bin Laden.

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There's A Difference Between Racism And "i Don't Know Any Better. I'm Clueless." Racism Is Like, "i'm Trying To Make You Feel Bad." That's Racism.

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Comedy Is The Blues For People Who Can’t Sing.

A Sense Of Humor Is Great - It Goes A Long, Long Way In A Marriage.

If Bill Gates Woke Up With Oprah's Money He'd Jump Out The Window.

There Are Only Three Things Women Need In Life: Food, Water, And Compliments.

I Never Wanted To Churn It Out. Comedians Tend To Work All The Time. They Never Put It Down Like Musicians Who Might Make An Album Then Take Three Or Four Years Off To Recharge Their Batteries. Comedians Tend To Work Straight Through And They Get Stale Because Of That. Even When I Didn't Have A Lot Of Money I Never Ever Did It Unless I Had Something New To Say.

Dude, I Didn't Say Jude Law Can't Act. I Didn't Say Jude Law Was In Bad Movies. I Just Said He's In Every Movie.

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The Thing That Surprised Me The Most Is Just How Much Money Women That Weren't Rich Were Paying For Their Hair. When You're In A Beauty Parlor In Harlem Next To Abandoned Buildings And Somebody's Paying Five Grand For A Weave, That's A Bit Much. I Think This Is, In A Weird Way, Part Of The Health Care Debate. It's Like, Hmm, There's People With $2000 Weaves That Could Have Bought Health Care With That Weave Money.

I'm In Show Business... I Want To Hang Out With Janet Jackson, Not Jesse Jackson.

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Only A Woman Can Make You Feel Wrong For Doing Something Right.

I Took My Alds Test. You Start Reflecting... You Start Thinking About Every Nasty, Skank-ass... It's Like The Movie Scrooge, And The Ghost Of Pussy Past Comes.

I Can't Cook, But I Have A Nice Book Of Menus... And I Can Plate And Set The Table.

I Was Bused To A School In Gerritsen Beach In Brooklyn In 1972. I Was One Of The First Black Kids In The History Of The School.

Whenever I Go Out With Other Married Couples, I Like To Bring Along A Single Crackhead. Just To Spice Things Up.

If You Want To Prevent Abortions, You Make Sure Everyone Has Health Care, A High School Education And Birth Control. Not The Exact Opposite.

I Think All The Funny People Were Bullied. When They Talk About Outlawing Bullying, It's Like, What? You Want No Comedy Central?

We Got No Wealthy Black People. We Got Rich People. Shaq Is Rich. The Guy Who Signs His Checks Is Wealthy.

Remember When We Was Young, Everybody Used To Have These Arguments About Who's Better, Michael Jackson Or Prince? Prince Won!

My Goals Were Small. My Goal Was To Become A Big Enough Stand-up That I Wouldn't Have To Do Radio. I Could Sell Out A Club, Which Is Like 300 Seats. If I Got Big Enough, I Could Sell Before I Got There, And I Wouldn't Have To Get Up At 6 In The Morning To Do Radio. That Was Pretty Much The Dream. I Had No Idea I'd Be Playing Madison Square Garden Or Anything.

White Man Makes Guns? No Problem. Black Rapper Says "gun"? Congressional Hearing.

We Americans Commercialize Everything. Look At What We Did To Christmas. Christmas Is Jesus' Birthday. Now, I Don't Know Jesus, But From What I Read He Was The Least Materialistic Person Who Ever Walked The Earth. No Bling On Jesus. He Kept A Low Profile And We Turned His Birthday Into The Most Commercial Day Of The Year. In Fact We Have A Whole Jesus Birthday Season. And Then At The End Of It, We Have The Nerve To Have An Economist Come On Tv And Say What A Horrible Jesus Birthday Season We Had.

You Can't Fake Comedy - It's Not Like A Movie, Where A Director Can Just Cast A Pretty Face.

Every Town Has The Same Two Malls: The One White People Go To And The One White People Used To Go To.

I Always Say There's No More Little Girls, Just Boys With Breasts. Girls Act Like Boys Nowadays. Teenage Girls, They Go After Boys. They're Predatory Just Like Boys. My Goal Is To Keep My Girls, Girls.

Guys Play Characters That Won't Grow Up And Something Catastrophic Happens And They Have To Grow Up To Save The Day - That's Pretty Much What Today's Comedy Is About.

Music Is The Soundtrack To The Crappy Movie That Is My Life.

I Have Four Jackets, Five Pants, Whatever, That Are All The Same. If You See U2 In Concert, They Wear The Same Thing Every Night. They Just Got A Bunch Of Them. Albert Einstein Used To Wear Brown Suits Every Day. Why Waste Brainpower On Something That Is Trivial?

I Love Black People, But I Hate Niggers.

Give Me A Black Man, A White Woman, A Giraffe, A Zebra Anything But Another White Man! That Last One F***ed Up My Roof!

I Hate When People Go On Tv And Tell You How Hard It Is To Do Animation. No, No, No. Ups Is Hard Work. I’ve Done Some Animation And Here's How Easy It Is. The Easiest Job In The World. I Go In A Booth And I Go, What’s The Line? And The Guy Goes, It’s Time To Go To The Store. And Then I Go, It’s Time To Go To The Store. And Then They Gave Me $1 Million.

Black People Dominate Sports In The United States. 20% Of The Population And 90% Of The Final Four.

You Cannot Win In A Fight Against Women, Cause Men Have A Need To Make Sense

Does Having A Wife And Kids Change Your Act? Yes, But Only In The Best Way. It Gives You Weight And Authority. It Also Makes You Closer To The Audience Because The Audience Is Married And Has Kids.

You Don't Pay Taxes; They Take Them From Your Check. That's Not A Payment - That's A 'jack.

The Material Comes From Whenever You Realize That You And Someone Else Have Something In Common. So Any Conversation You've Had More Than Once, Anything You See Happening To You That You See Happening To A Friend, You Go, Hmmm, That's A Situation I Can Make Funny.

Stand-up Is The Only Career Like That Where Once You Get Really Big At It, People Kind Of Encourage You Not To Do It.

You Want To Track Hollywood Careers, Look In The Real Estate Section. You See A Guy Buy A House That Costs $6 Million, And You Can Literally Start Counting The Days Until He Starts Doing Crappy Movies.

I'm Severely Overrated. I'm Just Above A Hack.

You'd Got A Baseball Game, Or A Football Game, Basketball Game, "usa! Usa! Usa!" Hey, Calm Down! Got A Little German On It, Don't You Think?

Only Married People Understand You Can Be Miserable And Happy At The Same Time.

You Could Be Married And Bored Or Single And Lonely. Ain't No Happiness Nowhere.

I Think If I Were To Get As Big As I Could Get, It Does Change Your Mind-state. I Think Like The Little Man. I Think Like The Underdog. I Don't Want To Change That.

I Met So Many People After I Got Rich And Famous, And I Learned That You Can't Ultimately Trust People Unless They Were Your Friends When You Were Broke.

Men Lie The Most, Women Tell The Biggest Lies... A Man's Lie Is, "i'm At Tony House, I Was At Kenny House!" A Woman Lie Is Like, "it's Your Baby!"

Stand-up Comedy Is Like The Lowest Medium In All Of Show Business In Levels Of Respect.

You Know What Ged Stands For? Good Enough Diploma.

If You Wanna Get Away With Murder, All You Gotta Do Is Shoot Somebody In The Head And Put A Demo Tape In Their Pocket! 'this Is A Rap Killing! Let's Get Outta Here!'

Never Go To Clubs With Metal Detectors. Sure It Feels Safe Inside. But What About All Those Niggas Waiting Outside With Guns? They Know You Ain't Got One.

I Was At Michael Jackson's House, And This Kid Runs Out, 'wait, Save Me!'

You Know Those Guys That Go To The Strip Club At The Daytime? If You're At A Strip Club, And The Sun Is Out, You Got Some Problems!

You Know The World's Gone Mad When The Best Rapper Is A White Guy, The Best Golfer Is A Black Guy, The Swiss Hold The America's Cup, France Is Accusing The Usa Of Arrogance And The Germans Don't Want To Go To War !

Anyone Who Makes Up Their Mind About An Issue Before They Hear The Issue Is A Fool.

Carol Leifer Is Funny, Really Funny.

Before I Was A Comedian, I Thought The Coolest Thing That Would Happen To Me Was Being A Teenager... Boy, Was I Wrong!

All People Naturally Hate. My Kid Bites People Now. I Didn't Teach My Kid To Bite Anybody. Kids Say Mean Stuff. Only Through Love Do We Get This Evil Out Of Them. Only Through Love And Structure And Discipline Do They Not Hate. The Kids That Hate Didn't Learn Anything, That's The Problem.

For Me, Anything Goes When I Pick Up A Mike. I'm Not Trying To Hurt People - I Try Not To Get Too Personal - But I Look At Myself As A Reporter. If You Can Report On Anything That Has To Do With Pop Culture, Then Why Can't I Make Jokes About It? Yes, It Hurts. But I Figure That Laughter Sometimes Starts From Pain. You Might Wince, But Then I Know That I'm Doing My Job. The Only Thing I Can Do Wrong Is Not Be Funny.

Stop The Violence! Can't We All Just Get Along?

We Were So Poor My Daddy Unplugged The Clocks When We Went To Bed.

My Goal In Life Was To Host The Mtv Awards, Because It's The Awards Show That Prince Sang On, And That Was The Awards Show That Eddie Murphy Hosted And Arsenio Hosted.

Oprah Is So Rich, I Saw John Kerry Proposing To Her.

Only Dumb People Try To Impress Smart People. Smart People Just Do What They Do.

I Saw The Yearbook Picture. There Was Six Of Them! I Ain't Have Six Friends In High School, I Don't Have Six Friends Now! That's Three On Three With A Half Court.

Black People Have Been Qualified To Be President For Hundreds Of Years. George Washington Carver Could Have Been President. I Could Go On With A List Of Black Men That Were Qualified To Be The President Of The United States. So The Obama Victory Is Progress For White People.

Why Do People Do Yoga? To Clear Their Minds? I Embrace The Clutter In My Head.

I See As White People Finding Loopholes In The Slavery Laws.

Men Lie The Most. Men Lie All The Time.

You Only Know That You're Smart Because You're Around Dumb People From Time To Time!

Black History Month Is In The Shortest Month Of The Year, And The Coldest-just In Case We Want To Have A Parade

A Comedian Has To Live In His Head. All This Comedy Comes From A Lonely Place. When You're Surrounded By An Entourage, You're Not Living In Your Head.

Gas Is Getting So Expensive I'm Gonna Ride A Mexican To Work.

I Think My Best Work Is When I'm Kind Of In Charge.

Whoever You Hate Will End Up In Your Family. You Don't Like Gays? You're Gonna Have A Gay Son. You Don't Like Puerto Ricans? Your Daughter's Gonna Come Home With Livin' La Vida Loca!

Community College Is Like A Disco With Books: "here's Ten Dollars; Let Me Get My Learn On!"

I Want To Really Take Chances. I Want To Be Funny In A Lot Of Different Ways. I'd Like To Be Great. I Want To Reach For Greatness.

Every Comedian Has A Moment In His Life When He Realizes He's A Little Bit Different From Everyone Else. It's Like Being The Only Guy In A Movie Who Sees The Ghost. The Ghost Talks To You And You Talk To Him. Then You Turn To Your Friend And Say, "hey. Do You See That Ghost? And He Says, What Ghost?"

The U.s Government Hates Rap Music

I Want My Name To Be A Brand In Comedy. I Hope My Name Stands For Comedic Excellence.

I've Told Michael Jackson Jokes. If You Got Really Technical, You Could Say Those Are Jokes About Child Molestation. You Could, If You Got Technical. A Lot Of This Is Just Selective Outrage Because Honestly, The Audience Are The Ones That Tell Us That Something Shouldn't Be Spoken. The Audience Lets Us Know. And I've Never, In My Almost 30 Years Of Being A Comedian, Seen A Comedian Continue To Tell A Joke That The Audience Doesn't Respond To. I've Never Seen It.

A Black Christian Is Like A Black Person With No Memory.

I'm A Rap Comedian The Same Way Bill Cosby Is A Jazz Comedian, Cosby's Laid Back. I'm Like, Bang, Bang Bang, Right Into It.

If You See A Black Woman With An Overweight White Man, You Know She Got Effed Up Credit!

When People Try To Read Between The Lines - Critics, They Have A Job. Their Job Is To Make Something Bigger Than It Is.

I Just Remember That Whenever I Got Really Mad Or Passionate, Like In An Argument, People Would Laugh, And I'd Be Dead Serious. It Would Happen A Lot. So It Was Like, Gee, I've Got Something Here.

I Hate Niggas! I Hate Em! I Wish They'd Let Me Join The Ku Klux Klan!

Whatever Your Woman Is Into, You Better Be Into. Whatever Your Man Is Into, You Better Be N2. Your Partner Into Church, You Better Be Into Church. Your Man Or Woman A Crack Head, You Better Be A Crack Head ... Otherwise It Just Won't Work.

And Even If You Get Shot By A Stray Bullet, You Don't Gotta Go To No Doctor To Get It Taken Out, Whoever Shot You Will Take They Bullet Back! "i Believe You Have My Property!"

There's Bad And Then There's Eddy Curry Bad.

If A Woman Tells You She's Twenty And Looks Sixteen, She's Twelve. If She Tells You She's Twenty-six And Looks Twenty-six, She's Damn Near Fourty.

School Shootings Were Invented By Blacks... And Stolen By The White Man.

Women Need Food, Water, And Compliments That's Right. And An Occasional Pair Of Shoes.

I Don't Write Jokes First. I Write Down Topics. I Think Of What I Want To Talk About, And Then I Write The Jokes - They Don't Write Me... And Even If You Don't Think It's Funny, You Won't Think It's Boring. You Might Disagree, But You'll Listen. And Maybe Even Laugh As You Disagree.

People Are The Same Wherever You Go. And If They Weren't, They Wouldn't Laugh At The Same S**t.

My Relationship With My Daughter Is Gonna Affect Her Relationship With Men For The Rest Of Her Life... Sometimes I'm Walking With My Daughter. I'm Pushing Her In The Stroller, And Sometimes I Just Pick Her Up And Stare At Her, And I Realize, My Only Job In Life Is To Keep Her Off The Pole.

They Don't Want You To Vote. If They Did, We Wouldn't Vote On A Tuesday. In November. You Ever Throw A Party On A Tuesday? No. Because Nobody Would Come.

If You Told Me Two Years I Would Miss The Greatest Basketball Game Ever To Hang Out With Nathan Lane, I'd Say, 'you're Crazy!'

Early In My Career It Was Very Important That I Gain The Reputation. I Haven't Been On The Road In Two Or Three Years, But When I Say Tickets Are On Sale, I Know They're Going To Be Gone, Even If My Movie Bombed Or My Tv Show Sucked.

Two Hours Of Sparkling Entertainment Spread Out Over A Four-hour Show.

Every Man Has To Settle Down Eventually. You Know Why You Gotta Settle Down Eventually? Because You Don't Want To Be The Old Guy In The Club. You Know What I'm Talking About. Every Club You Go Into, There's Always Some Old Guy. He Ain't Really Old, Just A Little Too Old To Be In The Club.

When I Do Something Good, The Audience Lets Me Know Immediately. They Laugh. That's It.

It's Weird With Stand-up Comedy. It Doesn't Really Translate Worldwide. I Want To Figure Out How Do I Make It Worldwide. Do A Special In Africa. Can't Beat That. Pull That Off, Then I Will Have Done Something.

My Mother Is The Kind Of Woman You Don't Want To Be In Line Behind At The Supermarket. She Has Coupons For Coupons.

Welcome To The 77th And Last Oscars.

I Think It's Better To Have Ideas.

I've Been Married For 10 Years And, You Know, It's Hard, You Spruce It Up And You Go Places. How Do You Spruce Up Anything? Artificially. You Go Places And Do Things.

I'm Pretty Good At Getting Over People Throwing Stuff At Me. If You've Been Doing Stand Up Long Enough You Know How To Swing Back And Get The Laughs.

So, To Say Obama Is Progress Is Saying That He’s The First Black Person That Is Qualified To Be President. That’s Not Black Progress. That’s White Progress. There’s Been Black People Qualified To Be President For Hundreds Of Years. The Question Is, You Know, My Kids Are Smart, Educated, Beautiful, Polite Children. There Have Been Smart, Educated, Beautiful, Polite Black Children For Hundreds Of Years. The Advantage That My Children Have Is That My Children Are Encountering The Nicest White People That America Has Ever Produced. Let’s Hope America Keeps Producing Nicer White People.

Only Black People In The Whole Neighborhood, So Let's Break It Down: Me, I'm A Decent Comedian, I'm A'ight. Mary J. Blige, One Of The Greatest R&b Singers To Ever Walk The Earth. Jay-z, One Of The Greatest Rappers To Ever Live. Eddie Murphy, One Of The Funniest Actors To Ever, Ever Do It. Do You Know What The White Man That Lives Next Door To Me Does For A Living? He's A F*****g Dentist.

I Love Having Somebody There - That Companion Thing. You Know Who You're Going To Eat With, Who You're Going To See A Movie With.

All You Crazy White People "i'm American!", All You Did Was Come Out Of Your Mother's Pussy On American Soil. That's It. That's It! What, You Think You're Better Than Somebody From France 'cause You Came Out Of A Pussy In Detroit?

Just To Be Clear, Ray Rice Was Not Fired For Beating His Wife. He Was Fired Because A Video Of Him Beating His Wife Was Released.

My Mother Got Sick When I Was Rich. And My Mother, You Know … I Don’t Really Want To Get Into It, But My Mother Was Sicker Than My Father. And My Mother’s Alive. My Mother’s Fine, Ok? I Remember Going To The Hospital To See My Mother And Wondering, ‘was I In The Right Place?’ Like, This Was A Hotel. Like It Had A Concierge, Man. If The Average Person Really Knew The Discrepancy In The Health Care System, There’d Be Riots In The Streets, Ok? They Would Burn This M-therf—ker Down!

It's Easier To Get On Show Business, The Hard Part Is To Maintain. Nobody Stays Famous Forever.

Pretty Girls Have Problems Too.

No Matter What Kind Of Backgrounds Two Men Are From, If You Go, 'hey, Man, Women Are Crazy,' You've Got A Friend.

I Like Talking About Subjects That Aren't Funny In The First Place And Making Them Funny. So Anything Down And Depressing Is Something I'll Talk About.

Eddie Murphy Is To Comedians What Nicki Minaj Is To Spanx.

Though Part Of Me Had Always Wanted To Be A Comedian, Another Part Of Me Had Always Wanted To Be Bryant Gumbel Or Dan Rather.

Women Can Have All The Evidence But They Still Want The Confession.

I Say Everything's About Company. A Gourmet Meal With An Asshole Is A Horrible Meal. A Hot Dog With An Interesting Person Is An Amazing Meal.

I Love My Life, But I Don't Think I'm Any Happier Than My Younger Brother Andre, Who Drives A Garbage Truck.

Love Of My Life

If You Live With A Single Parent, You Don't See Compromise. You Witness A Grown Person Living In A World Where They Do What They Want To Do. When You Are Raised By Two Parents, You Are Constantly Watching Compromise Take Place. Just By Observing That, It Made Me A Better Person.

Success Is Just Hanging Out With My Kids. I Mean, I Always Say If You Have Options, You're Rich. To Me, Success Is The Fact That Hey, I Just Did A Movie And Maybe I'll Do Some Stand Up, Maybe I'll Will Write A Book Or Maybe I Will Do A Play.

Kids Raised On A Culture Of “we’re Not Going To Keep Score In The Game Because We Don’t Want Anybody To Lose.” Or Just Ignoring Race To A Fault. You Can’t Say “the Black Kid Over There.” No, It’s “the Guy With The Red Shoes.” You Can’t Even Be Offensive On Your Way To Being Inoffensive.

Standup Comedians Are Attracted To One Another Because Of Their Faults. So We're All Kind Of Messed Up In The Same Way, And Once I Was Around A Group Of People That Saw The World In A Different Way, It's Like This Is Where I Need To Be.

People Say, 'why Is He Bored With Her?' Because He's A Human Being, That's Why; Same Way His Wife Is Bored With Him. That Is Marriage - Anything That's Supposed To Be Forever, Your Going To Get Bored With It. And There Is Nothing Wrong With It, So Don't Take It Personal; If You Are With Somebody For Ten Years And They Are Not Bored With You? Then Something Is Wrong With Them.

The Thing About Barack Obama, Just From Being Around Him, Is He's Cooler Than The Other Politicians, But Just Nerdy Enough To Do The Job. Like You Can't Be Really Cool And Be The President.

Everything's Funny - In The Right Context And Done By The Right Person.

I Used To Work At Mcdonald's Making Minimum Wage. You Know What That Means When Someone Pays You Minimum Wage? You Know What Your Boos Was Trying To Say? "hey If I Could Pay You Less, I Would, But It's Against The Law."

I Live In A Neighborhood So Bad That You Can Get Shot While Getting Shot.

I Don't Need A President With A Bucket List!

I've Remade A Few Movies And They All Have One Thing In Common: Great Endings. If You're Going To Remake Something, Make Sure That Ending Is Tight. It's A Little Less Challenging, If You Have A Great Ending. If You Don't Have A Great Ending, Don't Remake The Movie.

Now That I Have Children, I Realize Taking Care Of My Children Is More Fun Than Anything In The Whole World.

Unlike Flying Or Astral Projection, Walking Through Walls Is An Earthbound Pursuit.

No, I Want Big Ol' Titties In My Face!

Kennedy Didn't Beat Nixon. Satire Beat Nixon.

When You're White, The Sky's The Limit. When You're Black, The Limit's The Sky.

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Johannes Brahms

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