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Every Man Has To Settle Down Eventually. You Know Why You Gotta Settle Down Eventually? Because You Don't Want To Be The Old Guy In The Club. You Know What I'm Talking About. Every Club You Go Into, There's Always Some Old Guy. He Ain't Really Old, Just A Little Too Old To Be In The Club.

-Chris Rock

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Every Man Has To

Chris Rock

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Every Man Has To Settle Down Eventually. You Know Why You Gotta Settle Down Eventually? Because You Don't Want To Be The Old Guy In The Club. You Know What I'm Talking About. Every Club You Go Into, There's Always Some Old Guy. He Ain't Really Old, Just A Little Too Old To Be In The Club.

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Charlie Brown Is The One Person I Identify With. C.b. Is Such A Loser. He Wasn't Even The Star Of His Own Halloween Special.

I Say Everything's About Company. A Gourmet Meal With An Asshole Is A Horrible Meal. A Hot Dog With An Interesting Person Is An Amazing Meal.

Money Is The Best Lotion In The World.

I've Remade A Few Movies And They All Have One Thing In Common: Great Endings. If You're Going To Remake Something, Make Sure That Ending Is Tight. It's A Little Less Challenging, If You Have A Great Ending. If You Don't Have A Great Ending, Don't Remake The Movie.

People Basically Aren't That Racist. They Want Their Laughs. If I Make A White Guy Laugh, He's Gonna Come See Me. He's Not Gonna Go See The White Guy Who Doesn't Make Him Laugh Just Because That Guy Is White.

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I'll Go With The Guy With One House. The Guy With One House Is Scared About Losing His House.

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The Government Doesn't Want You To Use Your Drugs, They Want You To Use Their Drugs.

Nobody Really Wants To Be A Stand-up, They Want To Get On Tv.

I Do What I Can Do When I Can Do It.

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You Got A Gun, You Don't Have To Work Out.

We Got No Wealthy Black People. We Got Rich People. Shaq Is Rich. The Guy Who Signs His Checks Is Wealthy.

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People Really Cared More About Women's Hair. But Nobody Takes You Seriously With Jheri Curls Is What We've Deduced. If You Got An Afro And You Go "fight The Power" People Will Follow You. If You Got A Jheri Curl, People Just Laugh.

In The World Of Animation, You Can Be Anything You Wanna Be. If You're A Fat Woman, You Can Play A Skinny Princess. If You're Short Wimpy Guy, You Can Play A Tall Gladiator. If You're A White Man, You Can Play An Arabian Prince. And If You're A Black Man, You Can Play A Donkey Or A Zebra.

Never Go To Clubs With Metal Detectors. Sure It Feels Safe Inside. But What About All Those Niggas Waiting Outside With Guns? They Know You Ain't Got One.

I Just Thought Everybody Lived Around Abandoned Buildings And Crack-heads, ... I Lived In The Ghetto Until I Was Like 19. I Came To Los Angeles, Stayed At Hotels And Stuff. When I Got Back And I Saw What My Neighborhood Looked Like, I Started Getting Scared.

One Of My Daughters Told Me The Other Day, "kevin Hart Is Funnier Than You, Daddy." I Told Her, "does Kevin Hart Make You Pancakes?"

The Thing About Having An Audience Right There Laughing Is That Critics Can Write What They Want, But The Proof Is Right There In Front Of You.

Gun Control? We Need Bullet Control! I Think Every Bullet Should Cost 5,000 Dollars. Because If A Bullet Cost Five Thousand Dollar, We Wouldn't Have Any Innocent Bystanders.

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My Mother Got Sick When I Was Rich. And My Mother, You Know … I Don’t Really Want To Get Into It, But My Mother Was Sicker Than My Father. And My Mother’s Alive. My Mother’s Fine, Ok? I Remember Going To The Hospital To See My Mother And Wondering, ‘was I In The Right Place?’ Like, This Was A Hotel. Like It Had A Concierge, Man. If The Average Person Really Knew The Discrepancy In The Health Care System, There’d Be Riots In The Streets, Ok? They Would Burn This M-therf—ker Down!

Whatever Your Woman Is Into, You Better Be Into. Whatever Your Man Is Into, You Better Be N2. Your Partner Into Church, You Better Be Into Church. Your Man Or Woman A Crack Head, You Better Be A Crack Head ... Otherwise It Just Won't Work.

Hollywood's Racist. Hollywood Is Sorority Racist. It's Like - We Like You, Rhonda, But You're Not A Kappa.

Yeah, I Love Being Famous. It's Almost Like Being White, Y'know?

Are They Real Fires? Or Are People Just Reacting To Something? Just Because There’s An Alarm Going Doesn’t Mean It’s A Fire. And I Think That People Are Confusing The Two. It’s Only A Fire When It Offends The Fans, And The Fans Turn On You. Tosh Has Fans, And They Get The Joke. If You’ve Watched Enough Tracy Morgan, You Let The Worst Thing Go By. When Did Tracy Morgan Become Walter Cronkite? You Have To Mean Something To Me To Offend Me. You Can’t Break Up With Me If We Don’t Date.

The U.s Government Hates Rap Music

Comedians Tend To Find A Comfort Zone And Stay There And Do Lamer Versions Of Themselves For The Rest Of Their Career.

Everything's Funny - In The Right Context And Done By The Right Person.

When You Die At 72, No Matter What You Die Of, It's Natural Causes. Even If You Get Hit By A Truck, It's Natural Causes. 'cause If You Was Younger, You'd Have Got Out The Way!

God Bless America. And No Place Else.

I Never Wanted To Churn It Out. Comedians Tend To Work All The Time. They Never Put It Down Like Musicians Who Might Make An Album Then Take Three Or Four Years Off To Recharge Their Batteries. Comedians Tend To Work Straight Through And They Get Stale Because Of That. Even When I Didn't Have A Lot Of Money I Never Ever Did It Unless I Had Something New To Say.

I've Seen Women Who Don't Have Great Relationships With Their Dads, And It All Comes Down To This: You Have To Tell Girls You Love Them Every Day.

Great Relationship

I Mean No Disrespect To Anything I Did Before.

The Only Plan I Have Is To Not Do Anything I Don't Want To Do - And To Never Work Just For Money.

Smart Is Knowing If You're Dumb. Knowing When To Shut Up And To Listen To People That Are Smarter Than You.

No, I Want Big Ol' Titties In My Face!

Early In My Career It Was Very Important That I Gain The Reputation. I Haven't Been On The Road In Two Or Three Years, But When I Say Tickets Are On Sale, I Know They're Going To Be Gone, Even If My Movie Bombed Or My Tv Show Sucked.

Oprah Is Rich, Bill Gates Is Wealthy. If Bill Gates Woke Up Tomorrow With Oprah's Money, He'd Jump Out A Fuckin' Window And Slit His Throat On The Way Down Saying, "i Can't Even Put Gas In My Plane!"

I Want My Name To Be A Brand In Comedy. I Hope My Name Stands For Comedic Excellence.

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