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Kids Always Act Up The Most Before They Go To Sleep. And When I See The Tea Party And All This Stuff, It Actually Feels Like Racism’s Almost Over. Because This Is The Last - This Is The Act Up Before The Sleep. They’re Going Crazy. They’re Insane. You Want To Get Rid Of Them - And The Next Thing You Know, They’re Fucking Knocked Out. And That’s What’s Going On In The Country Right Now.

-Chris Rock

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Kids Always Act Up

Chris Rock

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Kids Always Act Up The Most Before They Go To Sleep. And When I See The Tea Party And All This Stuff, It Actually Feels Like Racism’s Almost Over. Because This Is The Last - This Is The Act Up Before The Sleep. They’re Going Crazy. They’re Insane. You Want To Get Rid Of Them - And The Next Thing You Know, They’re Fucking Knocked Out. And That’s What’s Going On In The Country Right Now.

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Only Dumb People Try To Impress Smart People. Smart People Just Do What They Do.

I Mean No Disrespect To Anything I Did Before.

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Hollywood's Just Not Funny.

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If You're Black, You Got To Look At America A Little Bit Different. You Got To Look At America Like The Uncle Who Paid For You To Go To College, But Who Molested You.

A Comedy Club Is A Place Where You Work Out Material, You're Trying Material.

Even If You Meet The Perfect Person, It Ain’t Gonna Be At The Perfect Time. You’re Married, They’re Single. That’s Right. You’re Jewish, They’re Palestinian. You’re A Mexican, They’re A Raccoon. You’re A Black Woman, He’s A Black Man.

White Man Makes Guns? No Problem. Black Rapper Says "gun"? Congressional Hearing.

Whatever Your Pleasure, I Can Facilitate. You Need Weed, You Need Meth - Hey, You Need Prozac, I'm Your Man. I Know How You White Boys Always Deal With That Depression. I Mean Me Personally, I Don't Understand What You White Boys Are All Depressed About. Hey, You're White! Smile!

You Just Got To Be Really Logical When You're A Comedian - To A Fault. Like A Lawyer's Got To Believe In The Law.

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Right Now, My Job Is That I'm Like An Ambulance Chaser. I've Got To Look For Movies With White Guys Falling Out Of Them.

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Money Is The Best Lotion In The World.

Women Need Food, Water, And Compliments That's Right. And An Occasional Pair Of Shoes.

I Learned Pretty Quickly That It's Your Work Ethic That Levels The Playing Field. Education Helps, But I've Met Failures Who Have Ph.d.s. I Believe The Hardest Worker Is Always Going To Win.

Give Me A Black Man, A White Woman, A Giraffe, A Zebra Anything But Another White Man! That Last One F***ed Up My Roof!

No, I Want Big Ol' Titties In My Face!

I See Guys Who Can't Make 10 Percent Of What I Make, And Yet They Have Four Bentleys, Three Houses, And Four Bodyguards.

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Men Are Handicapped When It Comes To Arguing, 'cause We Have A Need To Make Sense.

I'm Never Proper Or Careful, But I Never Curse In Front Of My Mother, Either.

My Dad Worked Every Day. I Didn't Get Into Show Business To Work Every Day. So The Fact That Most Days I Get To Like, Spend Really Good Time With My Kids - That's What Success Is To Me.

Charlie Brown Is The One Person I Identify With. C.b. Is Such A Loser. He Wasn't Even The Star Of His Own Halloween Special.

Are We So Desperate For Entertainment That We Will Fall For A Trickless Magician?? Saw A Woman In Half. Pull A Rabbit Out Of A Hat. Do Something! What Tricks Does This Guy Have? "i'm In A Box...and I Ain't Gonna Eat.". "i'm In A Box... And I Ain't Gonna Eat!!" That Ain't No Trick! That's Called Living In The Projects!

Happy White Peoples Independence Day The Slaves Weren't Free But I'm Sure They Enjoyed Fireworks.

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My Goal In Life Was To Host The Mtv Awards, Because It's The Awards Show That Prince Sang On, And That Was The Awards Show That Eddie Murphy Hosted And Arsenio Hosted.

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It's Easier To Get On Show Business, The Hard Part Is To Maintain. Nobody Stays Famous Forever.

Only A Woman Can Make You Feel Wrong For Doing Something Right.

They're Working Their Way Down. Next Year, Todd Bridges Gets The Award. When I Was A Kid I Wanted To Be Eddie Murphy And Now I'm A Rip-off Of Eddie Murphy.

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If You Wanna Get Away With Murder, All You Gotta Do Is Shoot Somebody In The Head And Put A Demo Tape In Their Pocket! 'this Is A Rap Killing! Let's Get Outta Here!'

Unlike Flying Or Astral Projection, Walking Through Walls Is An Earthbound Pursuit.

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Funny Is Only Something That Others Know About You - You Can't Be Funny By Yourself.

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The Thing About Barack Obama, Just From Being Around Him, Is He's Cooler Than The Other Politicians, But Just Nerdy Enough To Do The Job. Like You Can't Be Really Cool And Be The President.

Black People Have Been Qualified To Be President For Hundreds Of Years. George Washington Carver Could Have Been President. I Could Go On With A List Of Black Men That Were Qualified To Be The President Of The United States. So The Obama Victory Is Progress For White People.

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When You Die At 72, No Matter What You Die Of, It's Natural Causes. Even If You Get Hit By A Truck, It's Natural Causes. 'cause If You Was Younger, You'd Have Got Out The Way!

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Bill Cosby Was The First Comedian I Was Exposed To, Because He Doesn't Curse.

No Matter What Happens Or How Difficult Things Become, You Will Eventually Feel Better.

When I Hear People Talk About Juggling Or The Sacrifices They Make For Their Children, I Look At Them Like They're Crazy Because Sacrifice Infers That There Was Something Better To Do Than The Thing - Than Being With Your Children.

We Got No Wealthy Black People. We Got Rich People. Shaq Is Rich. The Guy Who Signs His Checks Is Wealthy.

Most People Don't Realize This, But You Can Eat Organic, All Natural, Gluten-free Food Without Telling Everyone Around You.

By The Time I Was 7 Or 8, I Wanted To Be A Comedy Writer.

A Sense Of Humor Is Great - It Goes A Long, Long Way In A Marriage.

I'll Go With The Guy With One House. The Guy With One House Is Scared About Losing His House.

I Have Four Jackets, Five Pants, Whatever, That Are All The Same. If You See U2 In Concert, They Wear The Same Thing Every Night. They Just Got A Bunch Of Them. Albert Einstein Used To Wear Brown Suits Every Day. Why Waste Brainpower On Something That Is Trivial?

Anyone Who Makes Up Their Mind About An Issue Before They Hear The Issue Is A Fool.

I Am Just Here To Support The President Of The United States. President Of The United States Is Our Boss, But He Is Also... You Know, The President And The First Lady Are Kinda Like The Mom And The Dad Of The Country. And When Your Dad Says Something You Listen, And When You Don't It Will Usually Bite You On The Ass Later On. So, I'm Here To Support The President.

I Like The Tradition Of The Oscars. I Like That Some Of The Greatest Comedians Ever Have Hosted The Show.

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I See As White People Finding Loopholes In The Slavery Laws.

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Everyone Has Favorite Criminals. Mine Are Pimps. We Can All Rob A Bank; We Can All Sell Drugs. Being A Pimp Is A Whole Other Thing.

Anything You Can Suck At Should Make You Nervous.

Does Having A Wife And Kids Change Your Act? Yes, But Only In The Best Way. It Gives You Weight And Authority. It Also Makes You Closer To The Audience Because The Audience Is Married And Has Kids.

You're Not Famous Unless People's Mothers Know Who You Are. Everybody Else, You Think You're Famous, But You're Just Hot, And Heat Cools Off.

If Poor People Knew How Rich Rich People Are, There Would Be Riots In The Streets.

That's All We Had When I Was A Kid: Robitussin. No Matter What You Got, Robitussin Better Handle It. "daddy, I Got Asthma." "robitussin." "i Got Cancer." "robitussin." "i Broke My Leg." Daddy Poured Robitussin On It. "yeah, Boy, Let That 'tussin Get In There. Yeah, Boy, Let That 'tussin Get On Down To The Bone. The 'tussin Ought To Straighten Out The Bone."

Stop The Violence! Can't We All Just Get Along?

When People Try To Read Between The Lines - Critics, They Have A Job. Their Job Is To Make Something Bigger Than It Is.

A White Boy That Makes C's In College Can Make It To The White House.

A Lot Of Racism Going On In The World Right Now. Who's More Racist? Black People Or White People? Black People. You Know Why? 'cuz We Hate Black People Too! Everything White People Don't Like About Black People, Black People Really Don't Like About Black People.

Eddie Murphy Is To Comedians What Nicki Minaj Is To Spanx.

If You Properly Clean A Room, It Gets Dirtier Before It Gets Cleaner.

I Love Seeing Black People Do Normal Things, Being Judged As Normal People.

Every Town Has The Same Two Malls: The One White People Go To And The One White People Used To Go To.

There Are Only Three Things Women Need In Life: Food, Water, And Compliments.

I'm A Nerd. I'm A Little Guy... The Last Guy You'd Expect In A Romantic Movie.

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Georges Bernanos

Megan McCafferty

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