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I Remembered Owen Telling Me How Music Had Saved Him In Phoenix, That It Drowned Everything Out, And It Was The Same For Me Now. As Long As I Had Something To Listen To, I Could Blur The Things I Didn't Want To Think About, If Not Block Them Out Completely.

-Sarah Dessen

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I Remembered Owen Telling

Sarah Dessen

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I Remembered Owen Telling Me How Music Had Saved Him In Phoenix, That It Drowned Everything Out, And It Was The Same For Me Now. As Long As I Had Something To Listen To, I Could Blur The Things I Didn't Want To Think About, If Not Block Them Out Completely.

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Pieces And Parts Were Always Easier To Process. The Full Picture, The Entire Story, Was Another Thing Entirely. But You Just Never Knew. Sometimes, People Could Surprise You.

The End Of A Wedding Reception Is Always So Depressing. And Only The Bride And Groom Are Spared, Jetting Off Into The Sunset While The Rest Of Us Wake Up The Next Morning To Just Another Day.

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An Empty Frame, In Which The Picture Is Always Changing, Makes A Statement About How Time Is Always Passing. It Doesn't Really Stop, Even In A Single Image. I T Just Feels That Way.

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And To Know Me, As You Have Discovered, Is To Love Me.

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Old Relationship

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Leaving Was Easy. It Was Everything Else That Was So Damned Hard.

If This Was My Forever, I Wouldn't Want To Spend It Here.

Who Knew Three Dots Could Make Such A Difference? Like Everything Else, A Love Or A Wish Or Whatever, It Was All In The Way You Read It.

I'd Been Running For Years: There Was Nothing Scarier, To Me, Than To Just Be Still With Someone. And Yet, There On That Dark Road, Going Home, I Was.

I Couldn't Tell Her. I Couldn't Tell Anyone. As Long As I Didn't Say It Aloud, It Wasn't Real.

The World Is Speaking To You Every Day, You Just Don't Know How To Listen.

So You Should Remember That, When You're Thinking About What Other People Can Deal With. Maybe It's Not So Bad.

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I Jammed My Hand In My Jacket Pocket, Bracing Myself Fo The Next Hit, And Fel Something. Something Grainy And Samll, Sticking To The Tips Of My Fingers: The Sand From Commons Park. Oh Cass, I Thought. I Miss You So, So Much.

What Do You Do When You Finally Hear Everything You've Always Thought Said Aloud?

But Unfriendly Is Usually One Of Those Things You Pick Up On Right Away. You Know, Like B.o. There's No Hiding It If It's There.

"which Is Completely Out-of-line Behavior. Then You Are Wholly Within Your Rights To Stomp On Their Foot." "no," Delia Said, Over Her Shoulder. "actually, You're Not. Just Excuse Yourself As Politely As Possible, And Get Out Of Arm's Reach." Kristy Looked At Me, Shaking Her Head. "stomp Them." She Said, Under Her Breath. "really."

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You Just Looked..." She Said, Searching For The Word, "taken, You Know? Plus You Hardly Reacted To Wes. I Mean, You Did Alittle, But Nothing Like Most Girls. It Was A Little Swoon. Not A Sa-woon, You Know?" I Said, "sa-woon? Oh, Come On," She Said Shaking Her Head. "even A Blind Girl Could Tell He Is Amazing.

It Was Great. Freedom Even The Imagined Kind Always Is.

It's Just That...i Just Think That Some Things Are Meant To Be Broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It's The Universe's Way Of Providing Contrast, You Know? There Have To Be A Few Holes In The Road. It's How Life Is.

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We Can't Expect Everybody To Be There For Us, All At Once. So It's A Lucky Thing That Really, All You Need Is Someone.

Sometimes A Question Can Hurt More Than An Answer.

As I Stepped Out To Face Myself In The Mirror, Reaching A Hand To Smooth Away The Steam, I Saw Myself Differently. It Was As If I Had Grown Again As I Slept, But This Time Just To Fit My Own Size. As If My Soul Had Expanded, Filling Out The Gaps Of The Height That Had Burdened Me All These Months. Like A Balloon Filling Slowly With Air, Becoming All Smooth And Buoyant, I Felt Like I Finally Fit Within Myself, Edge To Edge, Every Crevice Filled.

So Many Times It Seemed Like There Were Chances To Stop Things Before They Started. Or Even Stop Them In Midstream. But It Was Even Worse When You Knew In That Very Moment That There Was Still Time To Save Yourself, And Yet You Couldn't Even Budge.

Once, She'd Been A Pro At Decompressing, Loved To Sit On The Back Deck Of The Beach House In One Of Our Splintery Adirondack Chairs For Hours At A Time, Staring At The Ocean. She Never Had A Book Or The Paper Or Anything Else To Distract Her. Just The Horizon, But It Kept Her Attention, Her Gaze Unwavering. Maybe It Was The Absence Of Thought That She Loved About Being Out There, The World Narrowing To Just The Pounding Of The Waves As The Water Moved In And Out.

I Just Do The Best I Can Under The Circumstances.

Are You Crazy? Flirting With Eli Stock In Front Of Belissa Norwood, In Belissa Norwood’s House, While Eating Belissa Norwood’s Cupcakes?

My Mother Has Always Been The Point I Calibrated Myself Against. In Knowing Where She Was, I Could Always Locate Myself, As Well. These Months She'd Been Gone, I Felt Like I'd Been Floating, Loose And Boundaryless, But Now That I Knew Where She Was, I Kept Waiting For A Kind Of Certainty To Kick In. It Didn't. Instead, I Was More Unsure Than Ever, Stuck Between This New Life And The One I'd Left Behind.

Because You Have To Just Go With The Flow. Your Life Is Not Your Own, With People Coming In And Out All The Time. You Get Mellow Because You Have To.

There Comes A Time When The World Gets Quiet And The Only Thing Left Is Your Own Heart. So You'd Better Learn The Sound Of It. Otherwise You'll Never Understand What It's Saying.

One Word," Ted Replied, Dead Serious, "can Change The Whole World." There Was A Moment While We All Considered This. Finally Lissa Said To Chloe, Loud Enough For All Of Us To Hear (she'd Had A Minibottle Or Two Herself), "i Bet He Did Really Well On His Sats.

He'd Always Had That Fearless Optimism That Made Cynics Like Me Squirm. I Wondered If It Was Enough For Both Of Us. I Would Never Know From Here, Though. And Time Was Passing. Crucial Minutes And Seconds, Each One Capable Of Changing Everything.

I'm Just Writing What I Know. I've Never Been Much Of A Reader Of Fantasy, And I Think You Write What You, Personally, Enjoy Reading.

Wake Up, Caitlin, Mr. Lensing Had Said. But What He Didn't Understand Was That This Dreamland Was Preferable, Walking Through This Life Half-sleeping, Everything At Arm's Length Or Farther Away.

I Don't Get It,' Caroline Said, Bemused. 'she's The Only One With Wings. Why Is That?' There Were So Many Questions In Life. You Couldn't Ever Have All The Answers. But I Knew This One. It's So She Can Fly,' I Said. Then I Started To Run.

Hey, Think Fast!' I Just Looked At Fave As He Chucked The Basketball At Me With Possibly The Worst Overhand Throw I'd Ever Seen. It Landed To My Far Right, Then Bounced Past Me, Banging Against My Dad's Truck. 'do You Have A Vision Problem Of Something?' I Asked Him. 'just Keeping You On Your Toes,' He Replied

Maybe It Was True, And Being A Girl Could Be About Interest Rates And Skinny Jeans, Riding Bikes And Wearing Pink. Not About Any One Thing, But Everything.

See For Me, It’s Immediate. Silence Is So Freaking Loud.' This Seemed Either Deep Or Deeply Oxymoronic. I Wasn’t Sure Which.

The Health Of The People I Love Is All That Really Matters In This World. Period.

It's Nice To Have Options Even If You Can't Take Them.

In Anger Management,' He Said,'we Had To Do All This Role-playing Stuff. You Know, To Get Used To Handling Things In A Less Volatile Way.' 'you Role-played,' I Said, Trying To Picture This. 'i Had To. It Was Court-ordered.

It Was As Familiar To Me As A Song I'd Been Hearing My Whole Life, Covered By Various People But The Basic Tune The Same.

Welcome To Adulthood," She Said. "it Sucks As Much As High School.

As If At The Age Of Eighteen Life Already Sucked Beyond Any Hope Of Improvement.

I’d Only Met Him Once, At The Mall. He Was Tall, With A Big Floppy Shock Of Blond Hair He Was Always Getting Out Of His Face By Jerking His Head Suddenly To The Side, Whiplash-style. Rina Found This Incredibly Sexy. It Made Me Nervous. - Caitlin About Jeff

I Had Stepped Into His Arms, Showing Him My Raw, Broken Heart.

You Know, When It Works, Love Is Pretty Amazing. It's Not Overrated. There's A Reason For All Those Songs.

What Happened To Goodbye?

Missing Someone

With My Mom, When Someone Was Gone, They Were Gone. She Didn't Waste Another Minute Thinking About Them, And Neither Should You.

Music Is A Total Constant. That's Why We Have Such A Strong Visceral Connection To It, You Know? Because A Song Can Take You Back Instantly To A Moment, Or A Place, Or Even A Person. No Matter What Else Has Changed In Your Or The World, That One Song Says The Same, Just Like That Moment.

I'd Known Enough People For Every Minute Of The Day, And Yet Still Didn't Have Anyone As My Two A.m.

I'm Incredibly Flattered When People Tell Me That My Books Helped Them Through High School. Because Of My Own Experience, The Thought That Something I Wrote Might Help Someone Who Felt The Way I Did When I Was A Teen...that's Huge. It Awes Me.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda. It's So Easy In The Past Tense.

Clearly, Sharing Something Could Take You A Long Way, Or At Least To A Different Place Than You'd Planned. Like A Friendship Or A Family, Or Even Jsut Alone On A Curb On A Saturday, Trying To Get Your Bearings As Best You Can.

It's So Easy To Get Caught Up In What People Expect Of You. Sometimes, You Can Just Lose Yourself.

Losing Yourself

She Said Writting Novels Was Like Childbirth: If You Truly Remembered How Awful It Got, You'd Never Do It Again.

N The Dark Everyone Felt The Same: The Edges Blurred. When I Think Of Myself Then, What I Was Like Two Years Ago, I Feel Like A Wound In A Bad Place, Prone To Be Bumped On Corners Or Edges. Never Able To Heal.

It Takes So Little To Change Everything. If You Really Thought About It, It Would Scare You To Death.

It's A Big Deal When You Finally Get The Chance To Do The One Thing You Want To Do - Need To Do - More Than Anything. It Can Kind Of Scare The Crap Out Of You.

So Finally, I Decided That The Best Response — The Safest — Was None At All.

I Looked At The Sweatshirt Again. "'you Swim' Is A Philosophy?" He Shrugged. "better Than 'you Sink', Right?

We Sat There, Not Talking, For A Few Minutes. He Ate The Moon Pie; Only Skinny People Can Scarf Down Junk Food Like That. Finally, I Said, "norman?" "yeah?" "are You Ever Going To Show Me The Painting?" "man," He Said. "you Are, Like, So Impatient." "i Am Not," I Said. "i've Been Waiting Forever." "okay, Okay." He Stood Up And Went Over To The Corner, Picking Up The Painting And Bringing It Over To Rest Against The Bright Pink Belly Of One Of The Mannequins. Then, He Handed Me A Bandana. "tie That On.

You Just Had To Know Where To Look.

I Always Tried To Imagine What It Would Be Like To Open Your Door To Find Something You Had Given Up On. Maybe It Had Seen Places You Never Had, Been Rerouted And Passed Through So Many Strange Hands, But Still Somehow Found Its Way Back To You, All Before The Day Even Began.

Nate: “and,” He Said, “boys At Twelve Aren’t Exactly Slick With The Ladies.” Ruby: “’slick With The Ladies’?” I Said. “are You Twelve?

But Accepting Help Doesn‟t Have To Mean Giving Up Control.

This Is Personal, She'd Said. Real. This Moment Was Too, Even If You Couldn't See It At First Glance. It Was Fake On The Outside, But So True Within. You Only Had To Look, Really Look To Tell.

Pretend To Be A Delinquent?" I Asked Clarifying. "you Can Do It," Dave Advised Me. "just Don't Smile, And Try To Look Like You're Considering Stealing Something.

I Mean, To Me, Freaking Out Is Different. More Of A Running Away, Not Telling Anyone What's Wrong, Slowly Simmering Until You Burst Kind Of Thing.

How Do You Even Begin To Return To Someone, Much Less Convince Them To Do The Same For You? I Had No Idea. More Than Ever, Though, Right Then I Had To Believe The Answer Would Just Come To Me.

Still, There Was Also Was Something Reassuring About Working For Commercial, Almost Hopeful. Like Things That Were Lost Could Be Found Again. As We Drove Away, I Always Tried To Imagine What It Would Be Like To Open Your Door To Find Something You Had Given Up On.

When He Stopped Walking And Kissed Me A Few Minutes Later, It Was Like Time Had Stopped, With The Air, My Heart, And The World All So Still. And It Was This I Remembered Every Other Time I Was With Marshall.

So He Didn't Have To Prove How He Felt About Me. Like So Much Else, I Should Just Know.

I Wondered If He Ever Thought Of Me, And Hated The Pang I Felt When I Told Myself He Didn't.

Holding People Away From You, And Denying Yourself Love, That Doesn't Make You Strong. If Anything, It Makes You Weaker. Because You're Doing It Out Of Fear.

And While It Is Hard Enough To Take Away Something That Makes A Person Happy It's Even More Difficult When It Seems Like It's The Only Thing.

"you Ready To Play?" Dave Asked, Bouncing It. "i Don't Know," I Said. "are You Going To Cheat?" "it's Street Ball!" He Said Checking It To Me. "show Me That Love." So Chessy, I Thought. But As I Felt It, Solid Against My Hands, I Did Feel Something. I Wasn't Sure It Was Love. Maybe What Remained Of It, Though, Whatever That Might Be. "all Right," I Said. "let's Play."

There Were So Many Levels To The Unknown, From Safe To Dangerous To Outright Nebulous, Scariest Of All.

Sorry!' Dave's Friend Yelled When He Saw Me. 'that Was My-' But I Wasn't Listening As,instead,i Took Every Bit Of The Anger And Stress Of The Last Few Minutes And Days Put It Behind The Ball, Throwing It Overhead At The Basket As Hard As I Could. It Went Flying, Hitting The Backboard And Banging Through The Netless Hoop At Full Speed Before Shooting Back Out And Nailing Dave Wade Squarely On The Forehead. And Just Like That, He Was Down.

But If Something Was Really Important, Fate Made Sure It Somehow Came Back To You And Gave You Another Chance.

I Paused, Only Just Now Realizing That The Subject Was Hitting A Little Close To Home. "you Know, Getting Hurt. Putting Herself Out There, Opening Up To Someone." Yeah," He Said Adding Some Cheese Straws To The Cart, "but Risk Is Just Part Of Relationships. Sometimes They Work, Sometimes They Don't." I Picked Up A Box Of Cheese Straws, Examining It. "yeah," I Said. "but It's Not All About Chance, Either.

Says The Girl With No Thyme.

“in Truth,” I Said, “there Are No Rules Other Than You Have To Tell The Truth.” “how Do You Win?” He Asked. “that,” I Said, “is Such A Boy Question.

Telling The Truth

You Knew The Truth All Along, Colie. That's All Matters. You Knew.

In A Way, I Was Almost Happy To See Her. The Worst Part Of Me, Out In The Flesh. Blinking Back At Me In The Dim Light, Daring Me To Call Her A Name Other Than My Own.

You Know, When You Think About It, That’s Kind Of A Weird Thing. I Mean It’s Meant To Be Sympathetic, Right? But It’s Kind Of Not. Like You’re Telling The Person There’s Nothing Unique About What They’re Saying I Considered This As A Couple Of Kids On Rollerblades Whizzed Past, Hockey Sticks Over Their Shoulders. “yeah,” I Said, Finally, “but You Could Also Look At It The Other Way. Like No Matter How Bad Things Are For You, I Can Still Relate.

I Remembered Owen Telling Me How Music Had Saved Him In Phoenix, That It Drowned Everything Out, And It Was The Same For Me Now. As Long As I Had Something To Listen To, I Could Blur The Things I Didn't Want To Think About, If Not Block Them Out Completely.

Don't Give Me No Rotten Tomato, 'cause All I Ever Wanted Was Your Sweet Potato.

The Thing Is, You Can’t Always Have The Best Of Everything. Because For A Life To Be Real, You Need It All: Good And Bad, Beach And Concrete, The Familiar And The Unknown, Big Talkers And Small Towns.

Very Quietly, I Heard A Voice In My Ear.it Said, In A Weird, Cheesy, Right-out-of-one-of-my-mother's-novels Way, "ah. Wemeet Again." I Turned My Head, Just Slightly, And Right There, Practically On Top Of Me, Was Theguy From The Car Dealership. He Was Wearing A Red Mountain Fresh Detergent T-shirt - Not Just Fresh: Mountain Fresh! - It Proclaimed, And Was Smiling At Me. "oh,god," I Said. "no, It's Dexter.

I'd Heard Of Evergreen Care Center Before. Cass And I Had Always Made Fun Of The Stupid Ads They Ran On Tv, Featuring Some Dragged-out Woman With A Limp Perm And Big, Painted-on Circles Under Her Eyes, Downing Vodka And Sobbing Uncontrollably. "we Can't Heal You At Evergreen", The Very Somber Voiceover Said. "but We Can Help You To Heal Yourself." It Had Become Our Own Running Joke, Applicable To Almost Anything. "hey Cass, "i'd Say, "hand Me That Toothpaste." "caitlin," She'd Say, Her Voice Dark And Serious. "i Can't Hand You The Toothpaste. But I Can Help You Hand The Toothpaste To Yourself.

We Can All Be Beautiful Girls.

That First Love. And The First One Who Breaks Your Heart. For Me, They Just Happen To Be The Same Person.

Sometimes Love Can Be An Ugly Thing.

Rogerson," I Asked Him Sweetly As We Sat Watching A Video In The Pool House, "where Would I Find The Pelagic Zone?" "in The Open Sea," He Said. "now Shut Up And Eat Your Junior Mints.

After All With Me & Marshall, It Had Never Been About Words Or Conversation, Where There Was Too Much To Be Risked Or Lost. Here, Though, In The Quiet Pressed Against Each Other, This Felt Familiar To Me. And It Was Nice To Let Someone Get Close Again, Even If It Was Just For A Little While.

As I Rolled Over, Stretching Out, My Only Thought Was To Go Back To The Dream I'd Been Having, Which I Couldn't Remember, Other Than That It Had Been Good, In That Distant, Hopeful Way Unreal Things Can Be.

Okay," He Said. He Took A Breath. "what Would You Do, If You Could Do Anything?" I Took A Step Toward Him, Closing The Space Between Us. "this." I Said. And Then I Kissed Him.

I Had No Illusions About Love Anymore. It Came, It Went, It Left Casualties Or It Didn't. People Weren't Meant To Be Together Forever, Regardless Of What The Songs Say.

Conciseness Is Underrated

Look. We Both Know Life Is Short, Macy. Too Short To Waste A Single Second With Anyone Who Doesn't Appreciate And Value You." You Said The Other Day Life Was Long," I Shot Back. "which Is It?" It's Both," She Said, Shrugging. "it All Depends On How You Choose To Live It. It's Like Forever, Always Changing." Nothing Can Be Two Opposite Things At Once," I Said. "it's Impossible." No," She Replied, Squeezing My Hand, "what's Impossible Is That We Actually Think It Could Be Anything Other Than That.

It's The Same Thing,' I Told Her. 'what Is?' 'being Afraid And Being Alive.' 'no,' She Said Slowly, And Now It Was As If She Was Speaking A Language She Knew At First I Wouldn't Understand, The Very Words, Not To Mention The Concept, Being Foreign To Me. 'macy, No. It's Not.

And So, While The Rest Of The World Went On Unaware, Drinking Their Coffee, Reading The Sports Page, And Picking Up Their Dry Cleaning, I Leaned Forward And Kissed Dexter, Making A Choice That Would Change Everything. Maybe Somewhere There Was A Ripple, A Bit Of Jump, Some Small Shift In The Universe, Barely Noticeable. I Didn’t Feel It Then. I Felt Only Him Kissing Me Back, Easing Me Into The Sunlight As I Lost Myself In The Taste Of Him And Felt The World Go On, Just As It Always Had, All Around Us.

As Far As I Was Concerned, We'd Come To A Draw: I Hadn't Wanted To Come, And She Didn't Want Me To Leave. We Were Even. But I Knew My Mother Wouldn't See It That Way. Lately, We Didn't Seem To See Anything The Same.

In School, Writing Was The Only Thing That Really Came Naturally To Me, But It Wasn't Until College That I Realized That I Could Do It For More Than Just Fun.

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