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I Certainly Immerse Myself In As Many Crazy Hollywood Events As I Can Because You Never Know Where You Can Pick Up Material.

-Kathy Griffin

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I Certainly Immerse Myself

Kathy Griffin

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I Certainly Immerse Myself In As Many Crazy Hollywood Events As I Can Because You Never Know Where You Can Pick Up Material.

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My Act Is Based On My Life.

I'm A Female In Comedy, So Of Course I Want There To Be More Women On 'snl', And Women Of Color.

Pretty Much Everywhere I Go, I'm Pretty Much Thinking I'm Going To Be Bounced. I Am Still The Outsider Who Snuck Into The Party. I Identify With The Regular Person, Because That Is Who I Am.

But If Something Funny Happens, I Can't Resist. I Have To Tell The People.

I Love Mariah Carey. Remember The Breakdown? I Loved The Breakdown.

Why Would You Want To Keep The Bluebird Houses Mounted In A Place That You Now Know Is Unsafe For Them? Bluebirds Are Not Ornaments For Pictures, They Are Living Things That Deserve Your Best Effort If You Are Going To Be A Landlord To Them. There Is No Magic Spell That Will Protect Those Bluebirds--they Have To Depend On You Or They Are Doomed.

A Lot Of Celebrities, Especially When You're Talking About The Really Big Ones, Live In What I Call The Fame Bubble. Nobody Ever Says No To Them Or Challenges Them Or Even Teases Them.

The Thing That Bums Me Out About 'the Real World' Is I Don't Want To Believe That Teenagers Are That Stupid.

That's Life When You're On The D-list.

I Believe Fully In Making Fun Of Children. I Believe Very Strongly That You Should Never Make Fun Of An Embryo Or Your Ovaries. I Am A Big Believer On Breaking Those Rules. It's A Case-by-case Basis. But The Thing Is, There's So Many Ways To Make A Joke About Something That Is Sort Of Maybe Verboten Or Something.

Gwyneth Paltrow Names Her Kid Apple. I'm Not Going To Let That Stand.

So I Wonder If Anything Should Ever Be Off Limits.

No One Teaches You How To Do This. How Do You Let Go Of Someone Who You Love So Much?

Well, The Coffeehouse Audiences Never Know What They're Going To Get, And All The Comics Are Different, As Opposed To When You Go To A Club, And They're Pretty Much All Telling Jokes With Set-ups And Punchlines. Coffeehouse Audiences Are The Most Forgiving: They Really Listen, Which Is The Best Part.

Do You Remember A Little Phenom Called Step Aerobics? If You Do, Then You Know How Crazy It Was To Take Two Ninety-minute Classes In A Row. It’s Incredible That I Didn’t Die From A Blunt Injury To The Back Of My Head From Slipping On My Own Pool Of Sweat.

I Was A Soccer Cheerleader. It Doesn't Get Nerdier Than That. I Was Fired From The Soccer Cheerleading Squad After One Year, Which I Believe To This Day Is Unprecedented. You Have To Understand, No One Went To The Soccer Games. In Fact, I Believe Part Of My Duties As A Cheerleader Was To Bake Brownies For The Team.

I Can Say Whatever I Want. So Do Not Bring The Kids. It's Definitely Rated R.

It Was Sweaty Whitney (houston) In Central Park. She Knew That Park Pretty Well. Every Bush!

If There Is A Gay Army, I Am Their Warrior Princess.

No, I Love Montreal... I Think I Love Montreal More Than Montreal Loves Me... I Love The Food There.

I'll Be Honest, There's A Part Of Me That Does Think I'm Held To A Different Standard Than My Contemporaries And Peers, And It's A Little Frustrating.

I Love To Work. I Love Doing Standup.

Food Is My Thing, I Do Not Smoke Or Drink, So Food Is My Vice.

Oh, I Constantly Say Things That I Regret. I Mortify Myself Constantly. But That's Just Part Of The Deal. I'm Not Really Sure What's Going To Come Out Of My Mouth.

I Certainly Immerse Myself In As Many Crazy Hollywood Events As I Can Because You Never Know Where You Can Pick Up Material.

A Lot Of Stars Don't Have A Sense Of Humor.

Well, My Whole Thing With Gossip Is I Couldn't Care Less If It's True.

Life Is Adventure. Travel Is Adventure At A Different Address.

My Friend Anderson Cooper Is The Scion Of One Of America's Great Shipping And Railroad Families, The Vanderbilts.

I Hate It, It Is Tedious... When I Write For My Act, It Is Very Improvisational, I Write Bullet Points, I Cannot Sit In Front Of A Computer; That Is Not My Style.

When I See You, I Smile. When I Touch You, I Feel You. When I Kiss You, I Love You!

I Don't Like Doing Movies, Period. Movies Are Hard. I Like Tv.

I Identify With The Regular Person, Because That Is Who I Am.

I'm Basically Always On Tour.

I Have A No-apology Policy. No Apologies For Jokes. I Apologize In My Real Life All The Time. I Say Ridiculous Things, I Make Mistakes Constantly. But When I'm On Stage, I'm At A Microphone It's A Joke!

Most People Unfamiliar With The Men In A New Town Might Search For Love Until They Find It. I Picked Out Some Guy On My Second Day In La, Who Worked At The Local Bicycle Shop, And Handed My Virginity To Him. “you Can Fill A Tire? Sounds Good To Me. Let's Call It A Date.” Needless To Say He Wasn't Mr. Right.

I'm Always Listening And Watching; My Ear Is Like A Boom Mike. And Judging, Frankly. Constantly Judging.

I Constantly Say Things That I Regret. I Mortify Myself Constantly.

I Am What You Call A Non-believer. I Don't Even Want To Say I'm An Atheist Because Frankly I Don't Want To Join Their Club Either. But The Point Is, I Am A Fallen Catholic, I'm Not Religious, And That's All Well And Good.

I'm On Every Worst-dressed List Imaginable.

I Have What I Call A-list Moments, But Believe Me, I'm Still On The D-list.

I'm Also Doing A Special For Comedy Central Called Autobiography. It's Going To Be A Spoof Of Biography.

I'm Not An Artist. I Tell Inappropriate Stories And Jokes And I Try To Make People Laugh.

The Thing That Cracks Me Up Is How These Reality Characters Start Out Thrilled And Excited Just To Be On Television, And How They Move To Thinking They Are As Big As The Friends.

My Act Has Always Reflected What's Going On In My Life.

I Was Raised Right — I Talk About People Behind Their Backs. It's Called Manners.

If You See Me On Friday, You'll See Different Material On Saturday Night.

I Do Feel I'm Kind Of A Magnet For Crazy, And If There Isn't Enough Crazy, I Will Insert Myself In A Situation That I Feel Has Comedy Potential.

I Have A No-apology Policy.

I'm Saying That She (whitney Houston) Looks Great For A Singer... The Way Courtney Love Is A Singer.

I Did Feel Very Sexy And Desirable. Those Prisoners Looked At Me Like No Man Ever Did. I Don't Care How Many People They Killed.

I Love Doing [stand-up]. I Love Making People Laugh No Matter How. Whether It's A Commercial, Or A Tv Show, Or A Reality Show, Or A Talk Show, Or A Special, Or A Book. However I Can Make People Laugh, That's What I Want To Do.

It Was A Nightmare Having Cameras In The House 10 Hours A Day For A Month.

I Prefer Being Known For My Stand-up Because I Write It. I Love Being An Actor, And Saying Other People's Words Is Great. But Then, When I Do Stand-up, I Love Getting My Own Point Of View Out There.

That's What I Loved About Temptation Island. I Don't Even Know Why They Did It.

I Have To Tell You, Though, The Sexism In Late Night Talk Is So Profound.

I Am In Love With Larry David.

When I'm Going To See A Comedian, I Don't Want To See Them Hold Back, And When I'm Reading A Book, I Don't Want To Hear An Abridged Version.

There's One Thing That's Really Great About Waking Up Early, And It's Not Jogging Or Greeting The Day - It's Just That That's When They Make Doughnuts.

I'm Not Always In That Good With Middle-aged Heterosexual Men.

Phoenix Is Great. I Love Phoenix, .. I Love Scottsdale. I Love The James Hotel. I Have A Kathy Griffin Suite. I Love -what's That Place Called? Az 88. I Had Never Had A Cheese Crisp, So I Went To - Oh, Can't Remember. We Went To The State Fair, Where I Was All About The Deep-fried Twinkie. I Ate Every Deep-fried Thing - Oh, It Was Heavenly. I Ate Until I Got Sick.

I Can Criticize Your Religion All I Want, And You Can Criticize Mine. I Don't Like This Whole Climate Of, 'you Can't Ever Say Anything Bad About The Group I'm In, Cause Every Group Is Untouchable.' We Can All Criticize Each Other And Engage In Debate All We Want.

I'm Not Somebody Who No Matter Where I Go There Are Paparazzi Or Any Of That Nonsense. But I Have A Little Window Into That World And I Can Enter It And Dance Around. I Want To Be The Audience's Ticket Into The Party.

I Love To Make Fun Of Fashion Because It Is Just So Silly.

I Also Love Mole, The Unsung Hero Of Reality Programming.

I Prefer Big Oprah. I Know Oprah Wants To Be Skinny Oprah, But Her Head Is Too Gigantic To Fit On A Skinny Body. She Has To Accept That, Like Kirstie Alley, She Was Meant To Be... Ahm... Voluptuous!

Were Meant To Be

The Great Thing About Celebrity Culture Is That They Can't Seem To Stop Themselves From Displaying Their Ridiculous Behaviour. I Feel It's My Job As A Serious Investigative Journalist To Witness All Kinds Of Behaviour And Then Report Back To The Audience Through The Prism Of My Own Anger And Bitterness.

Remember, Folks, I Am A Comedian, Not A Journalist.

To Give Up My Job As A Temp And Actually Make A Living Doing Comedy, It Was Staggering.

I Think A Celebrity Survivor Would Be Great.

I Also Don't Have A Desire To Be On The A-list. I Feel More People Can Relate To The D-list Than The A-list.

I Grew Up In Chicago And Was A Huge Fan Of 'the Second City', So When I Moved To L.a., I Was Looking For Anything That Resembled That... Then I Started 'the Groundlings', So I Went To A Show And It Was Very Much Like 'second City'. I Was So Impressed That That Same Night I Went Backstage And I Went Up To The Funniest Person There.

Well, Jon Hamm Isn't A Real Celebrity.

I Do Road Gigs Occasionally But I Don't Want To Go Out On The Road For Months At A Time.

I Have Friends Who Are Going Through Chemotherapy, And They Make The Darkest, Most Hideous Cancer Jokes You've Ever Heard.

I Have No Limits, No Filter, No Class, No Poise. No Decorum. Just Fun.

Well, I Think That When I Perform On The Road I Always Thank The Audience For Buying A Ticket Because It's A Big Deal To Buy A Ticket For A Live Entertainment, Get A Baby-sitter And Pay For The Meal, The Parking, Whatever.

It Is A Challenge, With The Global Fame, To Try To Act Like I Put My Pants On One Leg At A Time, When In Fact I Have Pippa Middleton Help Me Put My Pants On Every Morning. She's My Lady-in-waiting As Well.

I Actually Have To Pick And Chose Stuff That I Know I'm Going To Bomb At.

The Beauty About The D-list Is That People Who Are On It Probably Don't Know They Are.

So Yes, I Say Things I Regret Constantly, And I Just Can't Help It.

Always And Forever Is A Grandmothers Love

Always And Forever

When My Pals In High School Were Starting To Drink, It Always Looked Unappealing To Me. I Would Be At A Big Party And See One Of The Popular Girls Or Football Players Completely Wasted And Puking And Acting A Fool, And Think To Myself, There Is Nothing Cool About That. I Never Wanted To Be That Out Of Control.

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