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Closed My Eyes And Listened. It Was Like Music I'd Heard All My Life, Even More Than "this Lullaby." All Those Keystrokes, All Those Letters, So Many Words. I Brushed My Fingers Over The Beads And Watched As Her Image Rippled, Like It Was On Water, Breaking Apart Gently And Shimmering Before Becoming Whole Again.

-Sarah Dessen

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Closed My Eyes And

Sarah Dessen

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Closed My Eyes And Listened. It Was Like Music I'd Heard All My Life, Even More Than "this Lullaby." All Those Keystrokes, All Those Letters, So Many Words. I Brushed My Fingers Over The Beads And Watched As Her Image Rippled, Like It Was On Water, Breaking Apart Gently And Shimmering Before Becoming Whole Again.

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It's Never Long Distance Between Friends.

There Comes A Time When The World Gets Quiet And The Only Thing Left Is Your Own Heart. So You'd Better Learn The Sound Of It. Otherwise You'll Never Understand What It's Saying.

There Are Some Things In This World You Rely On, Like A Sure Bet. And When They Let You Down, Shifting From Where You've Carefully Placed Them, It Shakes Your Faith, Right Where You Stand.

And I Wondered If, In The End, This Is How All Disputes Are Settled, With A Shared Silence As Things Become Equal. You Take Something From Me, I Take Something From You. We All Want Balance, One Way Or Another.

My Dad Is A Retired Shakespeare Professor, My Mother A Retired Classicist. Suffice To Say I Grew Up In A House Full Of Books, Where Reading Was Encouraged If Not Required.

Let's Just Start And See What Happens.

I'd Known Enough People For Every Minute Of The Day, And Yet Still Didn't Have Anyone As My Two A.m.

Growing Up Means :propelling Yourself Forward Into Whatever Lies Ahead, One Turn Of The Wheel At A Time.

You Get What You Give, But Also What You're Willing To Take.

I Didn't Want To Talk About What Happened, So It Seemed Safest Not To Talk At All.

Okay, So If That's Not Real, What Is? What Counts, To You?" He Thought For A Second, Then Said, "i Don't Know. Just Because Someone's Pretty Doesn't Mean She's Decent. Or Vice Versa. I'm Not Into Appearances. I Like Flaws, I Think They Make Things Interesting." I Wasn't Sure What Answer I'd Expected. But This Wasn't It. For A Second, I Just Sat There, Letting It Sink In. "you Know," I Said Finally, "saying Stuff Like That Would Make Girls Even Crazier For You. Now You're Cuteand Somewhat More Attainable. If You Were Appealing Before, Now You're Off The Charts.

I Think Readers Are Just Looking For Things That Maybe They Recognize Or Can Relate To In The Books.

I Wasn't Ready For This, But Then I Probably Never Would Be, And This Year, Like So Much Else, Wouldn't Wait. I Had No Choice But To Get Out Of My Car, With Everyone Watching And Begin In Earnest, Alone. So I Did

But I'd Long Ago Learned Not To Be Picky In Farewells. They Weren't Guaranteed Or Promised. You Were Lucky, More Than Blessed, If You Got A Good-bye At All.

"i Don't Know," I Said. "what Else Did You Do For Your First Eighteen Years?" "like I Said," He Said As I Unlocked The Car, "i'm Not So Sure That You Should Go By My Example." "why Not?" "because I Have My Regrets," He Said. "also, I'm A Guy. And Guys Do Different Stuff." "like Ride Bikes?" I Said. "no," He Replied. "like Have Food Fights. And Break Stuff. And Set Off Firecrackers On People's Front Porches. And..." "girls Can't Set Off Firecrackers On People's Front Porches?" "they Can," He Said... "but They're Smart Enough Not To. That's The Difference."

But Accepting Help Doesn‟t Have To Mean Giving Up Control.

Of Course It Hurts", She Grumbled, Tipping My Head Further Back. "life Sucks. Get Over It

I Always Thought I Was Different.

I Thought Of All The Times We'd Been Together, How I Kept Coming Closer, Then Retreating, While He Stayed Right Where He Was. A Constant In A World Where Few, If Any, Really Existed.

I'm Always Hopeful. I Feel Like I'm At The Prom Sitting Against The Wall Waiting For Someone To Ask Me To Dance.

Just Because Someone's Pretty, Doesn't Mean She's Decent.

It's Not Always So Simple, Haven. Sometimes There Isn't A Good Guy And A Bad Guy. Sometimes Even The Ones You Want To Believe Turn Out To Be Liars.

Once, This Had Been The Life I’d Wanted. Even Chosen. Now, Though, I Couldn’t Believe That There Had Been A Time When This Kind Of Monotony And Silence, This Most Narrow Of Existences, Had Been Preferable. Then Again, Once, I’d Never Known Anything Else.

Because It Is So Hard, In Any Life, To Believe In What You Can’t Fully Understand.

Love Can Make Up For A Lot.

You Can't Love Anyone That Way More Than Once In A Lifetime. It's Too Hard And It Hurts Too Much When It Ends.

Once In A Lifetime

Despite Our Differences, We Did Have A History. No One Understood Where I Was Coming From The Way He Did.

You're Not A Sucker. You're Just Nice. You Give People The Benefit Of The Doubt.

You Can't Make Any One Person Your World. The Trick Is To Take What Each Can Give You And Build A World From It.

But Unfriendly Is Usually One Of Those Things You Pick Up On Right Away. You Know, Like B.o. There's No Hiding It If It's There.

Rogerson," I Asked Him Sweetly As We Sat Watching A Video In The Pool House, "where Would I Find The Pelagic Zone?" "in The Open Sea," He Said. "now Shut Up And Eat Your Junior Mints.

Society. The Same Society, I Might Add, That Dictates That Little Girls Should Always Be Sugar And Spice And Everything Nice, Which Encourages Them Not To Be Assertive. And That, In Turn, Then Leads To Low Self-esteem, Which Can Lead To Eating Disorders And Increased Tolerance And Acceptance Of Domestic, Sexual, And Substance Abuse." "you Get All That From A Pink Onesie?" Leah Said After A Moment.

With Love Like That, You Can't Get Pick About How It Finds You Or The Details. All That Matters Is That It's There. Better Late Than Never.

Better Late Than Never

It's All In The View. That's What I Mean About Forever, Too. For Any One Of Us Our Forever Could End In An Hour, Or A Hundred Years From Now. You Never Know For Sure, So You'd Better Make Every Second Count.

There's A Kind Of Radar That You Get, After Years Of Being Talked About And Made Fun Of By Other People. You Can Almost Smell It When It's About To Happen, Can Recognize Instantly The Sound Of A Hushed Voice, Lowered Just Enough To Make Whatever Is Said Okay. I Had Only Been In Colby For A Few Weeks. But I Had Not Forgotten.

What Happened To Goodbye?

Missing Someone

He'd Always Had That Fearless Optimism That Made Cynics Like Me Squirm. I Wondered If It Was Enough For Both Of Us. I Would Never Know From Here, Though. And Time Was Passing. Crucial Minutes And Seconds, Each One Capable Of Changing Everything.

An Ending Was An Ending. No Matter How Many Pages Of Sentences And Paragraphs Of Great Stories Led Up To It, It Would Always Have The Last Word.

She Knew I Could Tell With One Glance, One Look, One Simple Instant. It Was Her Eyes. Despite The Thick Makeup, They Were Still Dark-rimmed., Haunted, And Sad. Most Of All Though, They Were Familiar. The Fact That We Were In Front Of Hundreds Of Strangers Changed Nothing At All. I'd Spent A Summer With Those Same Eyes-scared, Lost, Confused-staring Back At Me. I Would Have Known Them Anywhere.

Just Because Something's Damaged Doesn't Mean It Shouldn't Be Treated With Respect.' 'ad,' Wallace Said, 'it's A Coffee Table, Not An Orphan.

Everything Always Gets Crazy At The End. You Just Have To Keep Going, Regardless Of How Awful It Gets. So That's What I Do.

You Just Looked..." She Said, Searching For The Word, "taken, You Know? Plus You Hardly Reacted To Wes. I Mean, You Did Alittle, But Nothing Like Most Girls. It Was A Little Swoon. Not A Sa-woon, You Know?" I Said, "sa-woon? Oh, Come On," She Said Shaking Her Head. "even A Blind Girl Could Tell He Is Amazing.

D.c., Baltimore, Philadelphia, Austin... And You. I'll Be There Soon.

Honesty In Principle Was One Thing. In Someone’s Face, It Was Another.

Mayonnaise Is A Lot Like Men, It Can Make Everything Much Better, Adding Flavor And Ease To Your Life. Or, It Can Just Be Sticky And Gross And Make You Nauseous"- "keeping The Moon

As Far As I Was Concerned, We'd Come To A Draw: I Hadn't Wanted To Come, And She Didn't Want Me To Leave. We Were Even. But I Knew My Mother Wouldn't See It That Way. Lately, We Didn't Seem To See Anything The Same.

I Don't Know. Just Because Someone's Pretty Doesn't Mean She's Decent. Or Vice Versa. I'm Not Into Appearances. I Like Flaws, I Think They Make Things Interesting.

And I Felt Comfort. Finally. All I'd Wanted For So Long Was For Someone To Explain Everything That Had Happened To Me In This Same Way. To Label It Neatly On A Page: This Leads To This Leads To This. I Knew, Deep Down, It Was More Complicated Than That, But Watching Jason, I Was Hopeful. He Took The Mess That Was Macbeth And Fixed It, And I Had To Wonder If He Might, In Some Small Way, Be Able To Do The Same For Me. So I Moved Myself Closer To Him, And I'd Been There Ever Since.

Home Wasn't A Set House, Or A Single Town On A Map. It Was Wherever The People Who Loved You Were, Whenever You Were Together. Not A Place, But A Moment, And Then Another, Building On Each Other Like Bricks To Create A Solid Shelter That You Take With You For Your Entire Life, Wherever You May Go.

I Reached Up With My Finger And Traced The Scar Over My Eyebrow, Remembering When That Was The Greatest Hurt I'd Ever Known.

In The End, Though, Maybe It's Not How You Reach A Place That Matters. Just That You Get There At All.

I'd Seen Another Shade Of Him, And If It Had Been Light Where We Were Now, He'd Have Seen The Same Of Me. So I Was Grateful, As I Had Been So Often In My Life, For The Dark.

Two A.m.' He Swallowed, Then Said, "you Know. The Person You Can Call At Two A.m. And, No Matter What, You Can Count On Them. Even If They're Asleep Or It's Cold Or You Need To Be Bailed Out Of Jail...they'll Come For You. It's Like, The Highest Level Of Friendship.

I Think As A Writer One Of The Benefits Is That You Can Put Things That You're Interested In Into Your Books. I Always Have Put A Lot Of Food And Restaurants Because I Was A Waitress And I Love To Eat.

Grief Can Be A Burden, But Also An Anchor. You Get Used To The Weight, How It Holds You In Place.

All I'd Wanted For So Long Was For Someone To Explain Everything That Had Happened To Me In This Same Way. To Label It Neatly On A Page: This Leads To This Leads To This.

I Used To Worry I Was Entirely Uninteresting, But The Truth Is I Think If My Life Was More Exciting I'd Never Have Any Time To Write.

Being Brave And Self-confident Doesn't Necessarily Start Inside...it Starts With The Rest Of The World, And It Leads Back To You.

And So Really, You Have Given Me No Choice But To Take You Shopping By Force.” She Sighed, Then Reached Up, Dropping Her Sunglasses Down From Their Perch On Her Head To Cover Her Eyes. “do You Even Realize How Happy The Average Teenage Girl Would Be In Your Shoes? I Have A Credit Card. We’re At The Mall. I Want To Buy You Things. It’s Like Adolescent Nirvana.” - Cora

I Knew This Feeling, The 2 A.m. Loneliness That I'd Practically Invented.

If This Was My Forever, I Wouldn't Want To Spend It Here.

Like A Word On A Page That You’ve Printed And Read A Million Times, That Suddenly Looks Strange Or Wrong, Foreign. And You Feel Scared For A Second, Like You’ve Lost Something, Even If You’re Not Sure What It Is.

I Wanted To Be Somewhere Else ... Someplace Where The Sight Of Me Sobbing Would Tie Me To No One And No One To Me.

But All The Love In The World Won't Save A Sinking Ship. You Have To Either Bail Or Jump Overboard.

My Experience Is That Sequels Are Rarely As Good As The Originals.

But You Could Also Look At It The Other Way. Like You’re Saying No Matter How Bad Things Are For You, I Can Still Relate.

All You Could Do Was Take On As Much Weight As You Can Bear. And If You're Lucky, There's Someone Close Enough By To Shoulder The Rest.

I'd Come Here Planning To Leave As Soon As I Could. It Was A Pit Stop, Not A Destination. I Had My Whole Life Mapped Out." "so What Happened?" "i Guess That Map Didn't Turn Out To Be Mine After All.

"look," I Said, "we Knew Jason And Becky Would Be Back, The Break Would End. This Isn't A Surprise, It's What's Supposed To Happen. It's What We Wanted. Right?" "is It?" He Asked. "is It What You Want?" Whether He Intended It To Be Or Not, This Was The Final Question, The Last Truth. If I Said What I Really Thought, I Was Opening Myself Up For A Hurt Bigger Than I Could Even Imagine. I Didn't Have It In Me. We Changed And Altered So Many Rules, But It Was This One, The Only One When We'd Started, That I Would Break. "yes," I Said.

There Was No Short Answer To This; Like So Much Else, It Was A Long Story. But What Really Makes Any Story Real Is Knowing Someone Will Hear It. And Understand.

Once She'd Loved My Filet Mignon, My Carnivore Inklings, But Now She Was A Vegan Princess, Living Off Of Beans. She'd Given Up The Cheese And Bacon, Sworn Off Burger King, And When I Wouldn't Do The Same She Gave Me Back My Ring. I Stood There By The Romaine Lettuce, Feeling My Heart Pine. Wishing That This Meatless Beauty Still Would Be All Mine. She Turned Around To Go To Checkout, Fifteen Items Or Less. And I Knew This Was The Last Go-round, So This Is What I Said. ... "don't You Ever Give Me No Rotten Tomato, 'cause All I Ever Wanted Was Your Sweet Potato.

I Wanted To Tell Him So. Find The Right Words, String Them Together In The Ideal Way, Knowing That Here They Would Have The Best Chance Of Sounding Perfect.

Morris Was Not The Type To Offer A Hug Or Even Hold Your Hand. But There Was Something In His Quiet Indignation At The Universe Then--and Luke, Now--that Was Just The Kind Of Comfort I Needed. "i'm Such A Mess," I Said. "we're Almost Off The Island And I Didn't Even Ask You Where You Were Going." He Shrugged. "no Place. Wherever You Are.

I Paused, Only Just Now Realizing That The Subject Was Hitting A Little Close To Home. "you Know, Getting Hurt. Putting Herself Out There, Opening Up To Someone." Yeah," He Said Adding Some Cheese Straws To The Cart, "but Risk Is Just Part Of Relationships. Sometimes They Work, Sometimes They Don't." I Picked Up A Box Of Cheese Straws, Examining It. "yeah," I Said. "but It's Not All About Chance, Either.

You Get What You Give, But Also What You're Willing To Take. The Night Before, I'd Offered Up My Hand. Now, If I Held On, There Was No Telling What It Was Possible To Recieve In Return.

It’s Funny How One Summer Can Change Everything.

He Doesn’t Love Me. He Might Still Love Me As I Was At Fifteen, When I Didn’t Know Any Better. When I Trusted Everyone. I’m Not That Person Any More. He’s Just A Boy. He Was The First To Really Hurt Me, But He’s Just A Boy. There Were A Lot Of Them.

If You Didn't Always Have To Choose Between Turning Away For Good Or Rushing In Deeper. In The Moments That It Really Counts, Maybe It's Enough - More Than Enough, Even - Just To Be There.

And To Know Me, As You Have Discovered, Is To Love Me.

So This Had Been All I Wanted, A Boy Who Understood How I Felt. Now, Though, I Sometimes Wished For More.

"it's Gonna Be Okay," I Said. It Was The First Time In A Long Time That I Believed It. "it Will."

I Always Wrote About Girls That Went To The Beach And Had That Summer That Changed Everything. So I Was Interested In What It Would Be Like To Live In A Tourist Town Where Everyone Has These Life Changing Experiences, But Your Whole Life Is There.

We Can't Expect Everybody To Be There For Us, All At Once. So It's A Lucky Thing That Really, All You Need Is Someone.

Everything, In The End, Comes Down To Timing. One Second, One Minute, One Hour, Could Make All The Difference. So Much Hanging On Just These Things, Tiny Increments That Together Build A Life. Like Words Build A Story, And What Had Ted Said? One Word Can Change The Entire World.

We'd Start Slow, The Way We Always Did, Because The Run, And The Game, Could Go On For A While. Maybe Even Forever. That Was The Thing. You Just Never Knew. Forever Was So Many Different Things. It Was Always Changing, It Was What Everything Was Really All About. It Was Twenty Minutes, Or A Hundred Years, Or Just This Instant, Or Any Instant I Wished Would Last And Last. But There Was Only One Truth About Forever That Really Mattered, And That Was This: It Was Happening. Right Then, As I Ran With Wes Into That Bright Sun, And Every Moment Afterwards. Look, There. Now. Now. Now.

One Word Could Change The Whole World

During The Long Stretches Of Quiet Two-lane Highway, With The Sun Setting In The Distance, It Was Somehow Easier To Say Things Aloud, And Regardless Of What Was Said, We Just Kept Moving Toward That Horizon.

I Find That The More I Depend On Real Life, The Less Interesting The Story Is. It's Much More Common For Me To Take Something That Almost-happened, Or I Wish Had Happened, And Then Follow That Possibility.

Like I, Of All People, Didn't Know Better Than To Lead A Total Stranger To The Point Where They Could Hurt Me Most, Knowing How Easily They'd Be Able To Find Their Way Back To It.

I Hated High School. I Was Not The Greatest Student, Participated In No Activities, And Spent Most Of My Time Hanging Out In My Parking Lot.

But Those Words Were Only The Middle Of The Story. There Was A Beginning Here, Too.

I Looked Down Again At The Sign In My Hand - Enjoy The Ride! - And It Seemed, Suddenly, To Be Just That. A Sign.

None Of It Meant Anything, And All Of It Was Important.

That Was The Thing. You Just Never Knew. Forever Was So Many Different Things. It Was Always Changing, It Was What Everything Was Really All About.

Truth About Forever

I Think My Biggest Problem, Though, At Least In Drafts, Is Not Repeating Myself. After Eight Books I Get Worried That A Character Or Piece Of Dialog Might Be Too Much Like Something I've Already Done. So It's A Challenge To Keep It Fresh.

From Up Above, In A Plane Passing Over, You’d Just See One Little Light In All This Dark, With No Idea Of The Lives That Were Being Lived Within It, And In The House Beside, And Beside That One. So Much Happening In The World, Night And Day, Hour By Hour. It Was No Wonder We Were Meant To Sleep, If Only To Check Out Of It For A Little While.

As If It Didnt Matter What Was On, But Instead How Hard I Was Listening.

In A Way, I Was Almost Happy To See Her. The Worst Part Of Me, Out In The Flesh. Blinking Back At Me In The Dim Light, Daring Me To Call Her A Name Other Than My Own.

Who Says There Has To Be A Point?" He Asked. "or A Reason. Maybe It's Just Something You Have To Do.

I'd Been Convinced I Was On The Outside, But Really, I'd Always Been Within Arm's Reach. All I Had To Do Was Ask, And I, Too, Would Be Easily Brought Back, Surrounded And Immersed, Finding Myself Safe, Somewhere In Between.

Let Me Guess,” Eli Said, His Voice That Low, Even Timbre, As Always. “drinking From Kegs Also Falls Under Outdoor Activity.” I Just Looked At Him, Standing There In Jeans And The Same Blue Hoodie He’d Had On The First Time I Met Him. Maybe It Was The Embarrassment, Which Had Been Bad Enough Before I Had An Audience, But I Was Instantly Annoyed. I Said, “are We Outside?” He Glanced Round, As If Needing To Confirm This. “nope.” “then No.” I Turned My Attention Back To The Keg.

So I Left Him There Alone To Watch History Repeat The Same Events Retold Again And Again On His Own.

Repeating History

How It Seemed Like You Could See Everything, But Certain Things Were Blocked Out, Hidden.

Please. She Sighed. 'can't A Girl Have High Standards? I Don't Want An Ordinary Boy.

No Matter How Much Time Has Passed, These Things Still Affect Us And The World We Live In. If You Don't Pay Attention To The Past, You'll Never Understand The Future. It's All Linked Together.

I Wondered If It Was Really Because He Cared About Me, Or If Now I Was Just Another Challenge.

Every Book Teaches Me Something About My Process, And They Are All Challenging In One Way Or Another.

There Comes A Time In Every Life When The World Gets Quiet And The Only Thing Left Is Your Heart.

You Should Never Be Surprised When Someone Treats You With Respect, You Should Expect It.

Whenever You Made A Choice, Especially One You'd Been Resisting, It Always Affected Everything Else, Some In Big Ways, Like A Tremor Beneath Your Feet, Others In So Tiny A Shift You Hardly Noticed A Change At All. But It Was Happening.

Don't Think Or Judge, Just Listen.

The Silence Wasn't Like The Ones I'd Known Lately, Though: It Wasn't Empty As Much As Chosen. There's A Entirely Different Feel To Quiet When You're With Some-one Else, And At Any Moment It Could Be Broken. Like The Difference Between A Pause And An Ending.

You Don't Have To Make Things Harder Then They Have To Be Just To Prove A Point.

I'd Been Running For Years: There Was Nothing Scarier, To Me, Than To Just Be Still With Someone. And Yet, There On That Dark Road, Going Home, I Was.

Don't Be A Fool. Don't Give Up Something Important To Hold Onto Someone Who Can't Even Say They Love You.

But Sometimes You Lose. Nothing You Can Do But Admit It. -eli

It Was Hard To Remember What The Yard Had Looked Like Even Twelve Hours Before, Undisturbed And Pristine. Like It Takes So Little To Change Something, But To Make You Forget The Way It Once Was, As Well.

Hey, Think Fast!' I Just Looked At Fave As He Chucked The Basketball At Me With Possibly The Worst Overhand Throw I'd Ever Seen. It Landed To My Far Right, Then Bounced Past Me, Banging Against My Dad's Truck. 'do You Have A Vision Problem Of Something?' I Asked Him. 'just Keeping You On Your Toes,' He Replied

It Takes So Little To Change Everything. If You Really Thought About It, It Would Scare You To Death.

There Are Worse Addictions Than Reality Tv, Chocolate And Coffee.

The First Boy Was Always The Hardest.

I Told You, Everyone Understands A Quest.

But If Something Was Really Important, Fate Made Sure It Somehow Came Back To You And Gave You Another Chance.

It Was Like Reaching For Someone's Hand, Then Missing Their Fingers, Or Even Their Arm, And Hitting Their Shoulder Instead. But No Matter. You Hang On Tight Anyway.

Looking At The Pond, All I Could Think Was That It Is An Incredivle Thing, How A Whole World Can Rise From What Seems Like Nothing At All.

It's Hard To Be Nice When The Rest Of The World Is So Mean.

All We Had Was Her Room, Her Stories, And The Quiet That Settled In As We Tried In Vain To Spread Ourselves Out And Fill The Space She'd Left Behind.

Once I’m Done With A Book, I’m Done! I’m Just Not A Sequel Kind Of Girl. By The Time I’ve Finished A Book I’ve Read It So Many Times That It’s Time To Move On.

Not For The First Time, I Wished Both Of Us Could Just Say What We Meant. But That, Like So Much Else, Was Impossible

I Have Boobs!" Chloe Said Again, A Bit Too Loudly— She'd Already Had A Couple Of Mini Bottles At The Spot. "my Boobs Are Great, Goddammit. You Know That? They're Fantastic! My Boobs Are Amazing.

I Like Flaws. I Think They Make Things Interesting.

Only A Real Asshole Takes Liberties With Someone Else's Car Stereo. That's Serious.

I Mean, It's Impossible To Fake Anything If You've Already Seen The Other Person In A Way They'd Never Choose For You To. You Can't Go Back From That.

Life Has A Way Of Disregarding Even Your Best Intentions.

Best Intentions

Nothing Happens For Ages, And Then All The Changes Come At Once.

In School, Writing Was The Only Thing That Really Came Naturally To Me, But It Wasn't Until College That I Realized That I Could Do It For More Than Just Fun.

But In The Real World, You Couldnt Really Just Split A Family Down The Middle, Mom On One Side, Dad The Other, With The Child Equally Divided Between. It Was Like When You Ripped A Piece Of Paper Into Two: No Matter How You Tried, The Seams Never Fit Exactly Right Again. It Was What You Couldn't See, Those Tiniest Of Pieces, That Were Lost In The Severing, And Their Absence Kept Everything From Being Complete.

I Don't Think Anyone Would Think That An Ellipsis Represents Doubt Or Anything. I Think It's More, You Know, Hinting At The Future. What Lies Ahead.

Sometimes, We Just Have To Be Happy With What People Can Offer Us. Even If It's Not What We Want, At Least It's Something.

Okay," I Said, "what's Your Biggest Fear?" As Always, He Took A Second To Think About The Answer. "clowns," He Said. "clowns." "yup." I Just Looked At Him. "what?" He Said, Glancing Over At Me. "that Is Not A Real Answer," I Told Him. "says Who?" "says Me. I Meant A Real Fear, Like Of Failure, Of Death, Of Regret. Like That. Something That Keeps You Awake Nights, Questioning Your Very Existence." He Thought For A Second. "clowns.

And No Relationship Is Perfect, Ever. There Are Always Some Ways You Have To Bend, To Compromise, To Give Something Up In Order To Gain Something Greater.

He's Getting Dumped. And He Doesn't Even Know It Yet. He's Probably Eating A Cheeseburger Or Flossing Or Picking Up His Dry Cleaning, And He Has No Idea. No Inkling.

He Was Not My Boyfriend. On The Other Hand, He Wasn't Just A Friend Either. Instead, Our Relationship Was Elastic, Stretching Between Those Two Extremes Depending On Who Else Was Around, How Much Either Of Us Had To Drink, And Other Varying Factors. This Was Exactly What I Wanted, As Commitments Had Never Really Been My Thing. And It Wasn't Like It Was Hard, Either. The Only Trick Was Never Giving More Than You Were Willing To Lose.

It All Depends On How You Choose To Live It. It's Like Forever, Always Changing.

Call It Chicken Salad

Conciseness Is Underrated

Apologies Come In All Shapes And Sizes. You Can Give Diamonds, Candy, Flowers, Or Just Your Deepest Heartfelt Sentiment.

Yes, It Sucked Getting Dumped. But Wasn't It Better To Just Be Brutally Honest? To Admit That Your Feeling For Someone Is Never Going To Be Powerful Enough To Justify Taking Up Any More Of Their Time? I Was Doing Him A Favor, Really. Freeing Him Up For A Better Opportunity. In Fact, I Was A Practically A Saint, If You Really Thought About It. Exactly.

It's So Easy To Get Caught Up In What People Expect Of You. Sometimes, You Can Just Lose Yourself.

Losing Yourself

It Passed, Though. That Was The Bad Thing. It Always Passed.

Sometimes Really, Really Bad Things Happen To People, And There Is No Explanation And No Reason Whatsoever.

I Was Woundering What He Would Say, What Word Could Sum Me Up Right Then, When I Saw The Lights Come Across His Face, Blaringly Yellow, And Suddenly He Was Brighter, And Brighter, And I Asked Him What Was Happening, What Was Wrong. I Remember Only That Light, So Strong It Spilled Across My Shoulders, And Lit Up His Face, And How Scared He Looked As Something Big And Loud Hit My Door, Sending Glass Shattering Across Me, Little Sparks Catching The Light Like Diamonds, As They Fell, With Me, Into The Dark.

No," I Snapped. "i Mean, No. I'm Answering. I'm Just Collecting My Response." Another Few Seconds Passed. Is There A Time Limit For This?" He Asked. I Shot Him A Look. "just Wondering.

As If At The Age Of Eighteen Life Already Sucked Beyond Any Hope Of Improvement.

When Someone Starts To Change, And It’s Obvious, It's Sort Of Natural To Wonder Why. Right?

It's Only Advice. Ignore It If You Want.

Now, Now," My Father Said. "let's Just Get The Bags." This Was Typical. My Father, The Lone Male In Our Estrogen-heavy Household, Had Always Dealt With Any Kind Of Emotional Situation Or Conflict By Doing Something Concrete And Specific. Discussion Of Cramps And Heavy Flow At The Breakfast Table? He Was Up And Out The Door To Change Oil On One Of Our Cars. Coming Home In Tears For Reasons You Just Didn't Want To Discuss? He'd Go Make You A Grilled Cheese, Which He'd Probably End Up Eating. Family Crisis Brewing In A Public Place? Bags. Get The Bags.

This Thought Was Interrupted, Suddenly, By A Crash From The Front Entrance. We All Looked Over Just In Time To See Adam Bending Back From The Glass, Rubbing His Arm. "pull Open," Maggie Called Out. As Leah Rolled Her Eyes, She Said, "he Never Remembers. It's So Weird.

Can She Be Divorced?" I Asked. "and Famous For Her Commercials And Ideas?" She Can Be Anything," Boo Told Me, And This Is What I Remember Most, Her Freckled Face So Solemn, As If She Knew She Was The First To Tell Me. "and So Can You.

If You Have Just One Person Believe In You, You'll Always Find Your Way

Your Past Is Always Your Past. Even If You Forget It, It Remembers You.

I Just Thought To My Self, All Of A Sudden, That We Had Something In Common. A Natural Chemistry, If You Will. And I Had A Feeling That Something Big Was Going To Happen. To Both Of Us. That We Were, In Fact, Meant To Be Together.

I Hadn't Said Goodbye. It Had Been Easier, Like Always, To Just Disappear, Sparing Myself The Messy Details Of Another Farewell. Now, My Fingers Hovered Over My Track Pad, Moving The Cursor Down To His Comment Section Before I Stopped Myself. What Was The Point? Anything I Said Now Would Only Be An Afterthought. Elizabeth Who Goes By Her Middle Name

Suddenly, I Was Just Sure He Was Going To Kiss Me. He Was There, I Could Feel His Breath, The Ground Solid Beneath Us. But Then Something Crossed His Face, A Thought, A Hesitation, And He Shifted Slightly. Not Now. Not Yet. It Was Something I'd Done So Often - Weighing What I Could Afford To Risk, Right At That Moment - That I Recognized It Instantly. It Was Like Looking In A Mirror.

Look. We Both Know Life Is Short, Macy. Too Short To Waste A Single Second With Anyone Who Doesn't Appreciate And Value You." You Said The Other Day Life Was Long," I Shot Back. "which Is It?" It's Both," She Said, Shrugging. "it All Depends On How You Choose To Live It. It's Like Forever, Always Changing." Nothing Can Be Two Opposite Things At Once," I Said. "it's Impossible." No," She Replied, Squeezing My Hand, "what's Impossible Is That We Actually Think It Could Be Anything Other Than That.

It's The Same Thing,' I Told Her. 'what Is?' 'being Afraid And Being Alive.' 'no,' She Said Slowly, And Now It Was As If She Was Speaking A Language She Knew At First I Wouldn't Understand, The Very Words, Not To Mention The Concept, Being Foreign To Me. 'macy, No. It's Not.

Because If You Were The Problem, Chances Were You Could Also Be The Solution. The Only Way To Find Out Was To Take Another Shot.

From This Distance, In The Dimness, The Model Looked Surreal, Made Up Of Parts Filled With Buildings, Bordered By Long Stretches Of Empty Space. It Reminded Me Of The Way Cities And Towns Look When You Are Flying At Night. You Can't Make Out Much. But The Places Where People Have Come Together, And Stayed, Are Collections Of Tiny Lights, Breaking Up The Darkness.

Looking At Her, I Thought Again How Beautiful She Was - Even In Jeans And A T-shirt, No Makeup, She Was Breathtaking. So Much So That It Was Hard To Believe She Could Ever Have Looked At Herself And Seen Anything Else.

Next Thing You Know She'll Be On The Bus And Selling T-shirts In The Parking Lot, Showing Off Her Boobs To Get In The Stage Door." "at Least She Has Boobs To Show," Jess Said. "i Have Boobs," Chloe Said, Pointing To Her Chest. "just Because They're Not Weighing Me Down Doesn't Mean They're Not Substantial." "okay, B Cup," Jess Said, Taking A Sip Of Her Drink. "i Have Boobs!" Chloe Said Again, A Bit Too Loudly--she'd Already Had A Couple Of Minibottles At The Spot. "my Boobs Are Great, Goddammit. You Know That? They're Fantastic! My Boobs Are Amazing.

The First Thing I Did When I Got Inside Was Turn On The Kitchen Light. Then I Moved To The Table, Putting My Dad's Ipod On The Speaker Dock, And A Bob Dylan Song Came On, The Notes Familiar. I Went Into The Living Room, Hitting The Switch There, Then Down The Hallway To My Room, Where I Did The Same. It Was Amazing What A Little Noise And Brightness Could Do To A House And A Life, How Much The Smallest Bit Of Each Could Change Everything. After All These Years Of Just Passing Through, I Was Beginning To Finally Feel At Home.

But Something, Somehow, Had Made All These Paths Converge. You Couldn't Find It On A Checklist, Or Work It Into The Equation. It Just Happened.

When You've Never Gotten Love From Someone, You Don't Know What It Might Look Like If It Ever Does Appear. You Look For It In Everything: Any Bright Light Overhead Could Be A Star.

Donneven, Bettaquit And Mmmhmmmm

Was It Really This Easy, Once You Escaped, To Just Not Care?

I Just Stood There, Looking At Her. My Head Was Spinning, My Mouth Dry, And All I Could Think About Was That I Wanted To Go Someplace Safe, Someplace I Could Be Alone And Okay, And That This Was Impossible. My Old Life Had Changed And My New One Was Still In Progress, Altering By The Second. There Was Nothing, Nothing To Depend On. And Why Was I Surprised?

He Always Did The Leaving. But Not This Time. She Kept Walking, And Did Not Look Back.

When He Stopped Walking And Kissed Me A Few Minutes Later, It Was Like Time Had Stopped, With The Air, My Heart, And The World All So Still. And It Was This I Remembered Every Other Time I Was With Marshall.

He's Very Nice. He's Something I Replied. She Considered This Zipping Her Purse Shut. Then She Said Well Everyone Is. Everyone Is Something. For Some Reason That Stuck With Me Simple And Yet Not Every Since She'd Said It. It Was Like A Puzzle As Well Two Vague Words With One Clear One Between Them.

I Write Thank-you Notes The Minute I Throw The Wrapping Paper Away.

Hollis " I Said "you're Messing With Me Right Now Aren't You You're In Paris Or Somewhere And Just-" "what " He Replied. "no This Is The Real Deal. Here I'll Prove It." There Was A Muffled Noise Followed By Some Static. Then I Heard My Mother Recite At A Distance In Her Most Droll Flat Tone "yes. It Is True. Your Brother Is In Love And In My Kitchen.

When I Was In High School, I Was Always Really Envious Of Those Girls Who Seemed To Have Everything: The Perfect Hair, Perfect Clothes, Perfect Boyfriend, Perfect Life. It Wasn't Until I Was Older That I Realized That Nobody's Life Is Perfect, And That Those Girls Probably Had A Lot Of The Same Problems I Did.

Some Things Don't Last Forever, But Some Things Do. Like A Good Song, Or A Good Book, Or A Good Memory You Can Take Out And Unfold In Your Darkest Times, Pressing Down On The Corners And Peering In Close, Hoping You Still Recognize The Person You See There.

I Took In A Breath. "what's The One Thing You'd Do," I Asked. "if You Could Do Anything?" Pass," He Said. For A Second I Was Sure I'd Heard Wrong. "what?" He Cleared His Throat. "i Said, I Pass." Why?" He Turned His Head And Looked At Me. "because." Because Why?" Because I Just Do.

You Asked Me To Go Out With You. I Know You Probably Changed Your Mind. But You Should Know, The Answer Was Yes. It's Always Been Yes When It Comes To You.

Just Me And The Future, Finally Together. Now There Was A Happy Ending I Could Believe In.

You, Have This Whole Tall, Dark Stranger Thing Going On. Not To Mention The Tortured Artist Bit. And You, Have That Whole Blonde Cool And Collected Perfect Smart Thing Going On. You're The Boy All The Girls Want To Rebel With. You, Are The Unattainable Girl In Homeroom Who Never Gives A Guy The Time Of Day.

I Always Say That Teenagers Are The First To Know If You're Pandering To Them.

The Fate Of Your Heart Is Your Choice And No One Else Gets A Vote

What Did It Feel Like, I Wondered, To Love Someone That Much? So Much That You Couldn't Even Control Yourself When They Came Close, As If You Might Just Break Free Of Whatever Was Holding You And Throw Yourself At Them With Enough Force To Easily Overwhelm You Both.

Looking Back, It Seemed Like It Should Have Been Harder To Lose Someone, Or Have Them Lose You, Especially When They Were In The Same State, Only A Few Towns Over.

You Didn't Have To Take A Punch For Me, You Know,' He Said. 'i'm A Lover, Not A Fighter.' 'you're A Freak Is What You Are,' I Said. He Stuck Out His Hand. 'come On, Slugger. Walk With Me. You Know You Want To.' And The Thing Was, Despite Everything I Knew-that It Was A Mistake, That He Was Different From The Others-i Did. How He Knew That, I Had No Idea. But I Got Up And Did It Anyway.

Maybe I'd Just Figured Out There Were Some Things You Were Better Off Not Knowing

You Don't Have To Say It Out Loud. I Already Know Why You Like Me.' 'you Do, Huh?' 'yep.' He Wrapped His Arms Around My Waist, Pulling Me Closer. 'so,' I Said. 'tell Me' 'it's An Animal Attraction,' He Said Simply. 'totally Chemical.' 'hmm,' I Said. 'you Could Be Right.' 'it Doesn't Matter, Anyway, Why You Like Me.' 'no?' 'nope.' His Hands Were In My Hair Now, And I Was Leaning In, Not Able To Totally Make Out His Face, But His Voice Was Clear, Close To My Ear. 'just That You Do.

You Want To Take Me To A Movie?" I Asked. "well, Not Really," He Said. "what I Really Want Is For You To Be My Girlfriend. But I Thought Saying That Might Scare You Off.

But When You're Alone In The World, Really Alone, You Have No Choice But To Be Open To Suggestions.

Events Conspired To Bring You Back To Where You'd Been. It Was What You Did Then That Made All The Difference: It Was All About Potential.

Doesn't It Seem Sometimes That The Whole World's Uphill But At Least We Know The Way Back Will Be Easy.

So Finally, I Decided That The Best Response — The Safest — Was None At All.

She Fell, She Hurt, She Felt. She Lived. And For All The Tumble Of Her Experiences, She Still Had Hope. Maybe This Next Time Would Do The Trick. Or Maybe Not. But Unless You Stepped Into The Game, You Would Never Know.

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Mary Baker Eddy

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