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But When I Do Feel All The Strength Go Out Of Me, And I Fall To My Knees Beside The Table And I Think I Cry, Then, Or At Least I Want To, And Everything Inside Me Screams For Just One More Kiss, One More Word, One More Glance, One More.

-Veronica Roth

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But When I Do

Veronica Roth

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But When I Do Feel All The Strength Go Out Of Me, And I Fall To My Knees Beside The Table And I Think I Cry, Then, Or At Least I Want To, And Everything Inside Me Screams For Just One More Kiss, One More Word, One More Glance, One More.

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I Guess I Always Knew There Was Something Wrong With Me, But I Thought It Was Because Of My Father, Or My Mother, And The Pain They Bequeathed To Me Like A Family Heirloom, Handed Down From Generation To Generation. - Tobias Eaton

He Should Be The One To Die, Part Of Me Thinks. I Don't Want To Lose Him, Another Part Argues. I Don't Know Which Part To Believe.

The Official Strategy Is Defensive Pessimism, Always.

Lies Require Commitment.

I Hold The Gun Out From My Body, My Arms Straight, Just As Four Taught Me, When That Was His Only Name. I Used A Gun Like This To Defend My Father And Brother From Simulation-bound Dauntless. I Used It To Stop Eric From Shooting Tobias In The Head. It Is Not Inherently Evil. It Is Just A Tool.

It's Wrong," He Says. "it Doesn't Matter If Your Parents Are In A Better Place, They Aren't Here With You, And That's Wrong, Tris. It Shouldn't Have Happened. It Shouldn't Have Happened To You. And Anyone Who Tells You It's Okay Is A Liar.

No Matter How Long You Train Someone To Be Brave, You Never Know If They Are Or Not Until Something Real Happens.

I Have Never Been Carried Around By A Large Boy, Or Laughed Until My Stomach Hurt At The Dinner Table, Or Listened To The Clamor Of A Hundred People All Talking At Once. Peace Is Restrained; This Is Free.

I Ignore My Fear,” He Says. “when I Make Decisions, I Pretend It Doesn’t Exist.” I Stare At Him For A Second. I Can’t Help It. To Me There’s A Difference Between Not Being Afraid And Acting In Spite Of Fear, As He Does.

Al Walks In, And I Don't Even Have To Ask Him To Help Me, He Just Walks Over And Strips Bedding With Me. I Will Have To Scrub The Frame Later. Al Carries The Stack Of Sheets To The Trash And Together We Walk Toward The Training Room. "ignore Him," Al Says. "he's An Idiot, And If You Don't Get Angry, He'll Stop Eventually.

I Fell In Love With Him. But I Don't Just Stay With Him By Default As If There's No One Else Available To Me. I Stay With Him Because I Choose To, Every Day That I Wake Up, Every Day That We Fight Or Lie To Each Other Or Disappoint Each Other. I Choose Him Over And Over Again, And He Chooses Me.

There's A Reason Why She Left Them, Lauren," He Says. His Voice Is Deep, And It Rumbles. "what's Your Name?" "um..." I Don't Know Why I Hesitate. But "beatrice" Just Doesn't Sound Right Anymore. "think About It," He Says, A Faint Smile Curling His Lips. " You Don't Get To Pick Again." A New Place, A New Name. I Can Be Remade Here. "tris," I Say Firmly.

He Bends Over To Untie His Shoes. “so, Have You Been Ostracized From Your Little Crowd Of Devotees?” “no,” I Say Automatically. Then I Add, “maybe. But They Aren’t My Devotees.” “please. They’re Like The Cult Of Four.” I Can’t Help But Laugh. “jealous? Wish You Had A Cult Of Psychopaths To Call Your Very Own?

I Used To Think About Giving My Life Up For Things, But I Didn't Understand What 'giving Your Life' Really Was Until It Was Right There, About To Be Taken From Me

I Knew By The Way He Looked At Her That He Held Her In A Higher Regard Than He Held Even Himself. No Selfishness Or Insecurity Kept Him From Seeing The Full Extent Of Her Goodeness, As It So Often Does With The Rest Of Us. That Kind Of Love May Only Be Possible In Abnegation. I Do Not Know. My Father: Erudite-born, Abnegation-grown. He Often Found It Difficult To Live Up To The Demands Of His Chosen Faction, Just As I Did. But He Tried, And He Knew True Selflessness When He Saw It.

If You Actually Succeed In Creating A Utopia, You've Created A World Without Conflict, In Which Everything Is Perfect. And If There's No Conflict, There Are No Stories Worth Telling - Or Reading!

But That Wasn´t The First Time I Ever Saw Her. I Saw Her In The Hallways At School, And At My Mother’s False Funeral, And Walking The Sidewalks In The Abnegation Sector. I Saw Her, But I Didn’t See Her; No One Saw Her The Way She Truly Was Until She Jumped. I Suppose A Fire That Burns That Bright Is Not Meant To Last.

I Want To Break Something, Or Hit Something, But I Am Afraid To Move, So I Start Crying Instead.

I Also Don't Believe That Whatever Come After Life Depends On My Correctly Reciting A List Of My Transgressions-that Sounds Too Much Like An Erudite Afterlife To Me, All Accuracy And No Feeling.

The Goal Of My Life Isn't Just... To Be Happy. 'wouldn't It Be Easier If It Was, Though?

What Thought Or Message Would You Put In A Fortune Cookie? "stop Reading This. Eat The Cookie And Live Your Life.

Instead I Just Let The Silence Stretch Out Between Us. It's The Only Adequate Response To What He Just Told Me, The Only That Does The Tragedy Any Justice Instead Of Patching It Hastily And Moving On.

I Only Came For Cake" -tobias Eaton, Divergent

What Is It With You Today?” Says Christina On The Way To Breakfast. Her Eyes Are Still Swollen From Sleep And Her Tangled Hair Forms A Fuzzy Halo Around Her Face. “oh, You Know,” I Say. “sun Shining. Birds Chirping.” She Raises An Eyebrow At Me, As If Reminding Me That We Are In An Underground Tunnel.

That Dot Covers All The Places We've Ever Been. You Could Cut That Piece Of Land Out Of The Ground And Sing It Into This Ocean And No One Would Even Notice. I Feel That Fear Again, The Fear Of My Own Size. 'right. So?' 'so? So Everything I've Ever Worried About Or Said Or Done, How Can It Possibly Matter?' He Shakes His Head. 'it Doesn't.' 'of Course It Does,' I Say, 'all That Land Is Filled With People, Every One Of Them Different, And The Things They Do To Each Other Matter.

Then Everyone Can Call You Six.” “four And Six,” I Say.

If I Let A Little Of The Emotion Out, All Of It Will Come Out, And It Will Never End.

What's This About Flashing Underwear?" Says Uriah, Sidestepping A Bunk. "whatever It Is, I'm In.

His Fingers Leave Streaks Of Cold On My Skin, Invisible To The Eye, And I Think About Wrapping His Shirt Around My Fist And Pulling Him In To Kiss Me; I Think About Pressing Myself Against Him, But I Can't, Because All Our Secrets Would Keep A Space Between Us.

I Need The Protection Of Seeming Weak.

Just Do What You're Supposed To.

Why Are You Constantly Escorting Me Places?” I Say. “isn’t There A Depraved Activity You’re Supposed To Be Taking Part In? Kicking Puppies Or Spying On Girls While They Change, Or Something?

I Am Collecting The Lessons Each Faction Has To Teach Me, And Storing Them In My Mind Like A Guidebook For Moving Through The World. There Is Always Somthing To Learn, Always Somthing That Is Important To Understand

I Don't Know If You Know This," Tobias Says, "but Edward Is A Little Unstable." "i'm Getting That," I Say. "that Drew Guy Who Helped Peter Perform That Butterknife Maneuver," Tobias Says. "apparently When He Got Kicked Out Of Dauntless, He Tried To Join The Same Group Of Factionless Edward Was A Part Of. Notice That You Haven't Seen Drew Anywhere.

Tris," He Says. "what Did They Do To You? You're Acting Like A Lunatic." "that's Not Very Nice Of You To Say," I Say. "they Put Me In A Good Mood, That's All. And Now I Really Want To Kiss You, So If You Could Just Relax-

Dauntless,' He Says. 'i Was Born For Abnegation. I Was Planning On Leaving Dauntless, And Becoming Factionless. But Then I Met Her, And...i Felt Like Maybe I Could Make Something More Of My Decision.' Her. For A Moment, It's Like I'm Looking At A Different Person, Sitting In Tobias's Skin, One Whose Life Is Not As Simple As I Thought. He Wanted To Leave Dauntless, But He Stayed Because Of Me. He Never Told Me That.

Okay, Okay.” I Set My Hand On Top Of His And Guide It To My Chest, So It’s Right Over My Heart. “feel My Heartbeat. Can You Feel It?” “yes.” “feel How Steady It Is?” “it’s Fast.” “yes, Well, That Has Nothing To Do With The Box.” I Wince As Soon As I’m Done Speaking. I Just Admitted To Something. Hopefully He Doesn’t Realize That.

People, Even Genetically Damaged People, Make Choices. That’s What Matters.’

You Can't Be Fearless, Remember? Because You Still Care About Things. About Your Life.

Well, Half Of Half Our Faction.' 'in Some Circles They Call That A Quarter, Mar,' Lynn Says.

"i'll Be Your Family Now," He Says.

Out Of My Peripheral Vision, I See Four Shove The Door Open And Walk Out. Apparently This Fight Isn't Interesting Enough For Him. Or Maybe He's Going To Figure Out Why Everything's Spinning Like A Top, And I Don't Blame Him; I Want To Know The Answer Too.

I Feel Acutely Aware Of How Young I Am. In A Way That Is Good. It's Productive. It Makes Me Realise That I Should Be Growing As A Writer And A Person.

We Believe That Preparation Eradicates Cowardice, Which We Define As The Failure To Act In The Midst Of Fear.

I Do Like To Hit People-i Like The Explosion Of Power And Energy, And The Feeling That I Am Untouchable Because I Can Hurt People. But I Hate That Part Of Myself, Because It Is The Part Of Me That Is The Most Broken

Do Remember, Though, That Sometimes The People You Oppress Become Mightier Than You Would Like.

I Do Trust You, Is What I Want To Say. But It Isn't True -- I Didn't Trust Him To Love Me Despite The Terrible Things I Had Done. I Don't Trust Anyone To Do That, But That Isn't His Problem; It's Mine.

Psyche You Out?" I Repeat. "i'm Your Friend. I Wouldn't Do That." He Doesn't Say Anything. I Can Tell He Doesn't Believe Me-not Quite.

We Can't Be Confined To One Way Of Thinking, And That Terrifies Our Leaders. It Means We Can't Be Controlled. And It Means That No Matter What They Do, We Will Always Cause Trouble For Them.

Ingenuity Requires Creativity.

I Kiss Him As The Train Slides Into Unlit, Uncertain Land. I Kiss Him For As Long As I Want, For Longer Than I Should, Given That My Brother Sits Three Feet Away From Me.

This Was The First Place I Everfelt Strong. Every Time I Breathe This Air I Feel It Again.

I Decide To Do What I Always Do When I'm Not Sure What's Going On: I Act Like Everyone Else.

I Suppose A Fire That Burns That Bright Is Not Meant To Last.

Noise And Activity Are The Refuges Of The Bereaved And The Guilty.

Sleep,” He Says. “i'll Fight The Bad Dreams Off If They Come To Get You.” “with What?” “my Bare Hands, Obviously.

I've Done Without Doing Things, Like Sleeping And Eating, But I Need To Write.

It Must Be Because You're So Approachable", I Say Flatly. "you Know, Like A Bed Of Nails." He Stares At Me, And I Don't Look Away. He Isn't A Dog But The Same Rules Apply. Looking Away Is Submissive. Looking Him In The Eye Is A Challenge. It's My Choice. Heat Rushes Into My Cheeks. What Will Happen When This Tension Breaks? But He Just Says, "careful, Tris.

I Suppose That Now Would Be The Time To Ask For Forgiveness For All The Things I've Done, But I'm Sure My List Would Never Be Complete. I Also Don't Believe That Whatever Comes After Life Depends On My Correctly Reciting A List Of My Transgressions...i Don't Believe That What Comes After Depends On Anything I Do At All.

Decades Ago, Our Ancestors Realized That It Is Not Just Political Ideology, Religious Belief, Race, Or Nationalism That Is To Blame For A Warring World. Rather, They Determined That It Was The Fault Of Human Personality - Of Humankind's Inclination Towards Evil, In Whatever Form That Is. They Divided Into Factions That Sought To Eradicate Those Qualities They Believed Responsible For The World's Disarray.

"i'll Be Your Family Now," He Says. "i Love You," I Say. He Stares At Me. I Wait With My Hands Clutching His Arms For Stability As He Considers His Response. He Frowns At Me. "say It Again." "tobias," I Say, "i Love You."

You Want Him To Walk?" Caleb Demands. "are You Insane?" "did I Shoot Him In The Leg?" I Say. "no. He Walks. Where Do We Go, Peter?

I Will Be My Undoing If I Become My Obsession.

The Opinions Of Others Cannot Damage You.

I Have Discovered That Sitting Still Leaves Little Spaces For The Grief To Get In, So I Stay Busy.

I'm Divergent. And I Can't Be Controlled.

You're Afraid Of Heights,'i Say. 'how Do You Survive In The Dauntless Compound?' 'i Ignore My Fear,' He (four) Says. 'when I Make Decisions, I Pretend It Doesn't Exist.

A Brave Man Acknowledges The Strength Of Others.

I'm Not Dauntless - I'm Divergent. I Am Whatever I Choose To Be.

Tris.” I Keep Staring. “tris.” I Finally Look At Him. “i Just Don’t Want To Lose You.

There's Really No Way To Be Perfect. Perfectionism Is A Silly Trait To Have, So In A Lot Of Ways That Inspired The World Of 'divergent,' In Which Everyone Is Striving Toward That Ideal And Falling Short Of It.

I Understand Why She Did All Those Things, But That Doesn't Mean We Aren't Still Broken.

Yes," She Says, Her Eyes Bright With Tears. "my Dear Child, You've Done So Well.

I Shield My Eyes From The Sun To See Her Cold Look—the Expression I Saw In My Mind Even Before I Looked At Her. She Looks Older To Me Than She Ever Has, Stern And Tough And Worn By Time. I Feel That Way, Too. “these People Have No Regard For Human Life,” She Says. “they’re About To Wipe The Memories Of All Our Friends And Neighbors. They’re Responsible For The Deaths Of A Large Majority Of Our Old Faction.” She Sidesteps Me And Marches Toward The Door. “i Think They’re Lucky I’m Not Going To Kill Them.

But There's So Much That Was A Lie, It's Hard To Figure Out What Was True, What Was Real, What Matters.

I Feel Myself Acting Like A Lunatic, But I Can't Stop. It Would Be Like Refusing To Breathe.

Caleb," I Say, "i Love You." His Eyes Gleam With Tear As He Says, "i Love You, Too, Beatrice.

I Laugh, Mirthless, A Mad Laugh. I Savor The Scowl On Her Face, The Hate In Her Eyes. She Was Like A Machine; She Was Cold And Emotionless, Bound By Logic Alone. And I Broke Her.

Don't Confuse Your Grief With Guilt.

It's Strange How A Word, A Phrase, A Sentence, Can Feel Like A Blow To The Head.

"welcome To The Amity Compound," Johanna's Eyes Fix On My Face, And She Smiles Crookedly. "let Us Take Care Of You."

To Find That Place Between What I Want And What I Think Is Wise.

Are You Conceding?' He Says, His Mouth Falling Open With Mock Surprise. 'seems Like That Serum Did You Some Good After All...' I Shove Him As Hard As I Can. 'take That Back. Take It Back Now.' 'okay, Okay!' He Puts Up His Hands. 'it's Just... I'm Not Very Nice Either, You Know. That's Why I Like You So- ' 'out!' I Shout, Pointing At The Door.

Caleb And Tris Exchange A Look. The Skin On His Face And On Her Knuckles Is Nearly The Same Colour, Purple-blue-green, As If Drawn With Ink. This Is What Happens When Siblings Collide - They Injure Each Other In The Same Way.

The Cruelty Of Fate Is That I Must Travel With The People I Hate When The People I Love Are Dead Behind Me.

Leaving Us With Eric Is Like Hiring A Babysitter Who Spends His Time Sharpening Knives.

It Would Be Nice If Life Worked This Way, Stripping The Dirt From Our Lives And Sending Us Back Out Into The World Clean. But Some Dirt Is Destined To Lingered.

Do You Know Him Well?" I Ask.i Am Too Curious; I Always Have Been. "everyone Knows Four," She Says. "we Were Initiates Together.i Was Bad At Fighting,so He Taught Me Every Night After Everyone Was Asleep." She Scratches The Back Of Her Neck, Her Expression Suddenly Serious. "nice Of Him." She Gets Up And Stands Behind The Members Sitting In The Doorway. In A Second, Her Serious Expression Is Gone,but I Still Feel Rattled By What She Said, Half Confused By The Idea Of Four Being "nice" And Half Wanting To Punch Her For No Apparent Reason.

Sometimes Drastic Change Requires Drastic Measures.

His Fingers Slide Into My Hair, And I Hold On To His Arms To Stay Steady As We Press Together Like Two Blades At A Stalemate. He Is Stronger Than Anyone I Know, And Warmer Than Anyone Else Realizes; He Is A Secret That I Have Kept, And Will Keep For The Rest Of My Life.

Killing You Is Not The Worst Thing They Can Do To You," I Say. "controlling You Is.

I'll Have To Keep Looking For More Of Them, More Brief Moments Of Freedom In A World That Refuses To Allow It.

I Slowly Realized That Perfectionism Just Not That Important. What's More Important Is To Try To Love The People Around You. Whatever That Means At A Particular Time Is The Best You Can Do.

A Sob Racks My Body Again, And He Wraps His Arms Around Me So Tightly I Find It Difficult To Breathe, But It Doesn't Matter. My Dignified Weeping Gives Way To Full-on Ugliness, My Mouth Open And My Face Contorted And Sounds Like A Dying Animal Coming From My Throat. If This Continues I Will Break Apart, And Maybe That Would Be Better, Maybe It Would Be Better To Shatter And Bear Nothing.

She Tips Her Chin Up And Looks At Me With That Abnegation Stubbornness I Know So Well. She May Have Left Them, But They Are What’s Making Her Strong.

Yesterday He Told Me He Thought I Would Have To Pretend To Be Weak, But He Was Wrong. I Am Weak Already. I Brace Myself Against The Wall And Press My Forehead To My Hands. It’s Difficult To Take Deep Breaths, So I Take Short, Shallow Ones. I Can’t Let This Happen. They Attacked Me To Make Me Feel Weak. I Can Pretend They Succeeded To Protect Myself, But I Can’t Let It Become True.

Four Grabs A Bar With Each Hand And Pulls Himself Up, Easy, Like He's Sitting Up In Bed. But He Is Not Comfortable Or Natural Here--- Every Muscle In His Arm Stands Out. It Is A Stupid Thing For Me To Think When I Am One Hundred Feet Off The Ground.

I Know That Change Is Difficult, And Comes Slowly, And That It Is The Work Of Many Days Strung Together In A Long Line Until The Origin Of Them Is Forgotten.

Why Do People Want To Pretend That Death Is Sleep? It Isn't. It Isn't.

Candor Does Not Provide Us With Protection, Sustenance, Or Technological Innovation. Therefore You Are Expendable To Us.

I Have Your Back. I Didn't Mean Only When It's Easy. All The Time.

Life's Something We Already Understand. Death Is A Mystery.

Seeing People Who Are Actually Reading Your Book And Listening To The Wide Variety Of Reactions They Have To It, Is Really Special.

It's Stupid To Miss A Thing When There Are So Many People To Miss Instead, But I Miss This Train Already, And All The Others That Carried Me Through The City, My City, After I Was Brave Enough To Ride Them. I Brush My Fingers Over The Car Wall, Just Once, And Then Jump.

It's Time To Be With My Brother Now

The Amity Established This Place As A Safe House. No Conflict Allowed." "the Amity Will Have Trouble Enforcing That Policy," Says Marcus. "how Do You Stop Conflict Without Conflict?

Change, Like Healing, Takes Time.

You're Not Very Nice," I Say, Grinning. "you're One To Talk." "hey, I Could Be Nice If I Tried." "hmm." He Taps His Chin. "say Something Nice, Then." "you're Very Good-looking." He Smiles, His Teeth A Flash In This Dark. "i Like This 'nice' Thing.

I Started Writing Because I Decided I Was Too Old To Play Pretend In The Backyard. Then I Found That I Could Create Those Imaginary Worlds On The Page.

Sometimes, All It Takes To Save People From A Terrible Fate Is One Person Willing To Do Something About It. Even If That "something" Is A Fake Bathroom Break.

Whoa There, Tobias," Says The Man To My Left. "weren't You Raised A Stiff? I Thought The Most You People Did Was... Graze Hands Or Something." "then How Do You Explain All The Abnegation Children?" Tobias Raises His Eyebrows. "they Are Brought Into Being By Sheer Force Of Will," The Woman On The Arm Of The Chair Interjects. "didn't You Know That, Tobias?" "no, I Wasn't Aware." He Grins. "my Apologies.

I Would Be Shocked By The Lack Of Security If We Were Not At Amity Headquarters. They Often Straddle The Line Between Trust And Stupidity.

I Choose Him Over And Over Again, And He Chooses Me.

I Want To Cry Because Something Terrible Happened, And I Saw It, And I Could Not See A Way To Mend It.

I Always Appreciate People's Opinions, But Sometimes I Have To Take A Step Back And Remember Why I'm Writing And What I Want To Do With It. Shutting Out The Voices Is Difficult But It's Been Good For Me.

You Chose Us. Now We Have To Choose You.

She Sighs, Then Breaks A Piece Off The Muffin In My Hand. 'hey. There Are Plenty More Just Five Feet To Your Right.' 'then You Shouldn't Be So Concerned About Losing Some Of Yours.' She Says, Grinning. 'fair Enough.

There Is Always Somthing To Learn, Always Somthing That Is Important To Understand

I Feel The Urge, Familiar Now, To Wrench Myself From My Body And Speak Directly Into Her Mind. It Is The Same Urge, I Realize, That Makes Me Want To Kiss Her Every Time I See Her, Because Even A Sliver Of Distance Between Us Is Infuriating. Our Fingers, Loosely Woven A Moment Ago, Now Clutch Together, Her Palm Tacky With Moisture, Mine Rough In Places Where I Have Grabbed Too Many Handles On Too Many Moving Trains. Now She Looks Pale And Small, But Her Eyes Make Me Think Of Wide-open Skies That I Have Never Actually Seen, Only Dreamed Of.

She Believes That Tobias Belongs To Her Now. She Doesn't Know The Truth, That He Belongs To Himself.

People, I Have Discovered, Are Layers And Layers Of Secrets. You Believe You Know Them, That You Understand Them, But Their Motives Are Always Hidden From You, Buried In Their Own Hearts. You Will Never Know Them, But Sometimes You Decide To Trust Them.

Sarcasm Is Always At Someone's Expense.

I Touch Her Cheek To Slow The Kiss Down, Holding Her Mouth On Mine So I Can Feel Every Place Where Our Lips Touch And Every Place Where They Pull Away. I Savor The Air We Share In The Second Afterwards And The Slip Of Her Nose Across Mine. I Think Of Something To Say, But It Is Too Intimate, So I Swallow It. A Moment Later I Decide I Don't Care. "i Wish We Were Alone," I Say As I Back Out Of The Cell. She Smiles. "i Almost Always Wish That.

Soon I Will Honor My Parents By Dying As They Died. And If All They Believed About Death Was True, Soon I Will Join Them In Whatever Comes Next.

I Wonder How I Seem To Them. They Must See Someone I Don't See. Someone Capable And Strong. Someone I Can't Be; Someone I Can Be.

The Shouts Of Triumph Become Infectious, And I Lift My Voice To Join In, Running Toward My Teammates. Christina Holds The Flag Up High, And Everyone Clusters Around Her, Grabbing Her Arm To Lift The Flag Even Higher. I Can't Reach Her, So I Stand Off To The Side, Grinning. A Hand Touches My Shoulder. "well Done," Four Says Quietly.

All I Want Is To Become Someone New. In This Case, Tobias Johnson, Son Of Evelyn Johnson. Tobias Johnson May Have Lived A Dull And Empty Life, But He Is At Least A Whole Person, Not This Fragment Of A Person That I Am, Too Damaged By Pain To Become Anything Useful.

I Watch Her Blond Head Until It Disappears Around The Bend, And I Feel Bare, Like There's Nothing Left To Protect Me Against Pain. Her Absence Stings Worst Of All.

Peter: Where Are You Two Going? Tris: Why Aren't You With Your Attack Group Eating Dinner? Peter: I Don't Have One. I'm Injured. Christina: Yeah Right, You Are! Peter: Well, I Don't Want To Go To Battle With A Bunch Of Factionless. So I'm Going To Stay Here. Christina: Like A Coward. Let Everyone Else Clean Up The Mess For You. Peter: Yep! Have Fun Dying.

His Eyes Search The Crowd Until They Find My Face. My Heartbeat Lives In My Throat; Lives In My Cheeks. "i Still Don't Understand," He Says Softly, "how She Knew That It Would Work.

Cowardice Is How You Decide To Be In Real Life

Yeah, Well," I Say, "i Left Abnegation Because I Wasn't Selfless Enough, No Matter How Hard I Tried To Be." "that's Not Entirely True." He Smiles At Me. "that Girl Who Let Someone Throw Knives At Her To Spare A Friend, Who Hit My Dad With A Belt To Protect Me-that Selfless Girl, That's Not You?"... "you've Been Paying Close Attention, Haven't You?" "i Like To Observe People/" "maybe You Were Cut Out For Candor, Four, Because You're A Terrible Liar.

The Fire, The Fire. It Rages Within, A Campfire And Then An Inferno, And My Body Is Its Fuel. I Feel It Racing Through Me, Eating Away At The Weight. There Is Nothing That Can Kill Me Now; I Am Powerful And Invincible And Eternal.

I See A Few Hands Stretching Out To Me At The Edge Of The Net, So I Grabbed The First One I Could Reach And Pull Myself Across. I Roll Off, And Would Have Fallen Face-first Onto A Wood Floor If He Had Not Caught Me. "he" Is The Young Man Attached To The Hand I Grabbed. He Has A Spare Upper Lip And A Full Lower Lip. His Eyes Are So Deep-set That His Eyelashes Touch The Skin Under His Eyebrows, And They Are Dark Blue, A Dreaming, Sleeping, Waiting Color.

It's What You Deserve To Hear," I Say Firmly, My Eyes Going Cloudy With Tears. "that You're Whole, That You're Worth Loving, That You're The Best Person I've Ever Known.

What You Deserve

I'm Going To Stop A Revolution,'' I Say. I Turn Right, And Peter Follows Me.

We Both Have War Inside Us. Sometimes It Keeps Us Alive. Sometimes It Threatens To Destroy Us.

Every Question That Can Be Answered Must Beanswered Or At Least Engaged. Illogical Thought Processes Must Bechallenged When They Arise.wrong Answers Must Be Corrected.correct Answers Must Be Affirmed. —from The Erudite Faction Manifesto

I Think They're Going To Force Us To Eat Lots Of Cake And Then Take An Unreasonably Long Nap.

And Don't Pay Attention To Christina. Your Face Doesn't Look That Bad." He Smiles A Little. "i Mean, It Looks Good. It Always Looks Good. I Mean--you Look Brave. Dauntless." His Eyes Skirt Mine, And He Scratches The Back Of His Head. The Silence Grows Between Us. It Was A Nice Thing To Say, But He Acts Like It Means More Than Just Words. I Hope I Am Wrong. I Could Not Be Attracted To Al-- I Could Not Be Attracted To Anyone That Fragile. I Smile As Much As My Bruised Cheek Will Allow, Hoping That Will Diffuse The Tension.

Like A Wild Animal, The Truth Is Too Powerful To Remain Caged.

I Hear My Heartbeat. I Have Been Looking At Him Too Long, But Then, He Has Been Looking Back, And I Feel Like We Are Both Trying To Say Something The Other Can't Hear, Though I Could Be Imagining It. Too Long - And Now Even Longer, My Heart Even Louder, His Tranquil Eyes Swallowing Me Whole.

I Wipe My Face With My Sleeve, Laughing So Hard My Stomach Hurts. If My Entire Life Is Like This, Loud Laughter And Bold Action And The Kind Of Exhaustion You Feel After A Hard But Satisfying Day, I Will Be Content.

Laughing So Hard

They All Laugh. We All Laugh. And It Occurs To Me That I Might Be Meeting Tobias's True Faction. They Are Not Characterized By A Particular Virtue. They Claim All Colors, All Activities, All Virtues, And All Flaws As Their Own.

He Stares At Me, And I Don't Look Away. He Isn't A Dog, But The Same Rules Apply. Looking Away Is Submissive. Looking Him In The Eye Is A Challenge. It's My Choice.

I Catch Myself Thinking 'thank God For This' Out Of Habit, And Then I Understand What He's So Concerned About. What If My Parents' God, Their Whole Belief System, Is Just Something Concocted By A Bunch Of Scientists To Keep Us Under Control? And Not Just Their Beliefs About God And Whatever Else Is Out There, About Right And Wrong, About Selfishness?

I Feel Like Someone Is Pressing Me Into A Mold That Does Not Fit My Body, Forcing Me Intothe Wrong Shape.

One Piece Of Advice I Have Is: Want Something Else More Than Success. Success Is A Lovely Thing, But Your Desire To Say Something, Your Worth, And Your Identity Shouldn’t Rely On It, Because It’s Not Guaranteed And It’s Not Permanent And It’s Not Sufficient. So Work Hard, Fall In Love With The Writing — The Characters, The Story, The Words, The Themes — And Make Sure That You Are Who You Are Regardless Of Your Life Circumstances. That Way, When The Good Things Come, They Don’t Warp You, And When The Bad Things Hit You, You Don’t Fall Apart.

Falling In Love

By The Time We Leave, I Have Red Lips And Curled Eyelashes, And I’m Wearing A Bright Red Dress. And There’s A Knife Strapped To The Inside Of My Knee. This All Makes Perfect Sense.

For A Few Minutes We Kiss, Deep In The Chasm, With The Roar Of Water All Around Us. And We Rise, Hand In Hand, I Realize That If We Had Both Chosen Differently, We Might Have Ended Up Doing The Same Thing, In A Safer Place, In Gray Clothes Instead Of Black Ones.

Being Selfless Is Not That Different From Being Brave. It Is When You Are Selfless That You Are The Bravest.

Without Thinking, I Grab Al's Arm And Squeeze It As Tightly As I Can. I Just Need Something To Hold On To. Blood Runs Down The Side Of Christina's Face And Splatters On The Ground Next To Her Cheek. This Is The First Time I Have Ever Prayed For Someone To Fall Unconscious.... Al Frees His Hand And Pulls Me Tight To His Side. I Clench My Teeth To Keep From Crying Out.

Come On,'he Says.' I Have Something Else To Show You.

Tobias And Tris

Because Life Is Not Fair, Albert. And The World Is Conspiring Against You.

Color Fills Her Cheeks, And I Think It Again: That Johanna Reyes Might Still Be Beautiful. Except Now I Think That She Isn't Just Beautiful In Spite Of The Scar, She's Somehow Beautiful With It, Like Lynn With Her Buzzed Hair, Like Tobias With The Memories Of His Father's Cruelty That He Wears Like Armor, Like My Mother In Her Plain Gray Clothing.

Nothing Else Is All Right.” His Whisper Tickles My Cheek. “but We Are.

Every Tattoo I Got With Them Is A Mark Of Their Friendship, And Almost Every Time I Have Laughed In This Dark Place Was Because Of Them. I Don’t Want To Lose Them. But I Feel Like I Have Already.

Grief Is Not As Heavy As Guilt, But It Takes More Away From You.

Sometimes I Just... Want To See It Again. Want To See You Awake.

I Don't Really Control The Story. I Just Let It Go Where It Wants To Go. I Have No Idea What's Going To Happen In The End Or Who's Going To Live, So It's Kind Of Like Me Saying, "i Don't Know, Guys! Just Wait." That's What I'm Doing!

I Love You" I Say. "i Love You, Too" He Says. "i'll See You Soon.

I Want To Be Brave, And Selfless, And Smart, And Kind, And Honest.

Too Bad You Didn't Just Take Max Up On His Offer, Four. Well, Too Bad For You, Anyway," Says Eric Quietly As He Clicks The Bullet Into Its Chamber. My Lungs Burn; I Haven't Breathed In Almost A Minute. I See Tobias's Hand Twitch In The Corner Of My Eye, But My Hand Is Already On My Gun. I Press The Barrel To Eric's Forehead. His Eyes Widen, And His Face Goes Slack, And For A Second He Looks Like Another Sleeping Dauntless Soldier. My Index Finger Hovers Over The Trigger. "get Your Gun Away From His Head," I Say. "you Won't Shoot Me," Eric Replies. "interesting Theory. " I Say.

So How Can I Hold Tobias’s Desperation Against Him, Like I’m Better Than Him, Like I’ve Never Let My Own Brokenness Blind Me?

When Her Body First Hit The Net, All I Registered Was A Gray Blur. I Pulled Her Across It And Her Hand Was Small, But Warm, And Then She Stood Before Me, Short And Thin And Plain And In All Ways Unremarkable- Except That She Had Jumped First. The Stiff Had Jumped First. Even I Didn't Jump First. Her Eyes Were So Stern, So Insistent. Beautiful.

You Look Older.” “yes, Well. The Passage Of Time Tends To Do That To A Person.

Passage Of Time

You Don’t Always Have To Smack People In The Face With How Strong You Are

Today You Will Choose Your Factions. Until This Point You Have Followed Your Parents’ Paths, Your Parents’ Rules. Today You Will Find Your Own Path, Make Your Own Rules.

You Were Afraid Of Shooting People?" "no," I Say. "i Was Afraid Of My Considerable Capacity To Kill." How Many Young Men Fear That There Is A Monster Inside Of Them?

Reading Is Such A Huge Part Of My Life.

You Are Far Less Likely To Soil Your Pants And Cry For Your Mother If You’re Prepared To Defend Yourself.

That Is Death - Shifting From "is" To "was.

No Need To Continually Insist Upon Your Unshakable Masculinity.

Even Though I Am Still Injured, I Had To Fight Again Today.luckily This Time,i Was Paired Against Myra,who Couldn't Throw A Good Punch If Someone Was Controlling Her Arm For Her.

That Quality Frightens Me Now, Because I Know What He Told Me: That I Was Broken, That I Was Worthless, That I Was Nothing. How Many Of Those Things Did He Make Me Believe?

Then His Eyes Focus On Something Over My Shoulder, And He Starts Walking. I Turn To See Uriah Jogging From The Elevator Bank. He Is Grinning. “heard A Rumor You Were A Dirty Traitor,” Uriah Says. “yeah, Whatever,” Says Zeke. They Collide In An Embrace That Looks Almost Painful To Me, Slapping Each Other’s Backs And Laughing With Their Fists Clasped Between Them.

A Dauntless Ferris Wheel Wouldn’t Have Cars. You Would Just Hang On Tight With Your Hands, And Good Luck To You.

I Stare At Him. I Feel My Heartbeat Everywhere, Even In My Toes. I Feel Like Doing Something Bold, But I Could Just As Easily Walk Away. I Am Not Sure Which Option Is Smarter, Or Better. I Am Not Sure That I Care.

It's Not Cruelty, Maybe, But A Desire To Understand That Motivates Them.

There Is Power In Controlling Something That Can Do So Much Damage - In Controlling Something, Period.

Just As I Have Insisted On His Worth, He Has Always Insisted On My Strength, Insisted That My Capacity Is Greater Than I Believe. And I Know, Without Being Told, That's What Love Does, When It's Right-it Makes You More Than You Were, More Than You Thought You Could Be. This Is Right.

No. Because It's So Stupid No Dauntless With Any Sense Would Speak It, Let Alone Think It. Pansycake. What Are You, Twelve?" "and A Half," He Says.

I Am A Naturally Curious Person. -tris

It's Easy To Be Brave When They're Not My Fears.

My Heart Beats So Hard It Hurts, And I Can't Scream And I Can't Breathe, But I Also Feel Everything, Every Vein And Every Fiber, Every Bone And Every Nerve, All Awake And Buzzing In My Body As If Charged With Electricity. I Am Pure Adrenaline.

I Try To Leave Some Space In My Mind For Things To Surprise Me Or Change My Mind, I Think That's Important.

It Doesn't Take Skill To Stand In A Place Were No Bullets Find You, Or To Fire Into The Dark And Hit A Man You Didn't See.

Desperation Can Make A Person Do Surprising Things.

My Dear Girl. I Am His Family. I Am Permanent. You Are Only Temporary.

Since I Was Young, I Have Always Known This: Life Damages Us, Every One. We Can’t Escape That Damage. But Now, I Am Also Learning This: We Can Be Mended. We Mend Each Other.

In 'insurgent' We Realise How Large The World Really Is

Awkwardness Aside, It's Nice To Be Liked.

Little Girl, He Called Me. A Little Girl Who Is Stressed Out To The Point Of Paranoia. That Is Not Me, But Now, It's Who The Candor Think I Am.

Before She Got Here Everything Had Stalled Inside Me, And Every Morning I Was Just Moving Toward Nighttime.

One Choice One Choice, Decided Your Friends. One Choice, Defines Your Beliefs. One Choice, Determines Your Loyalties - Forever. Once Choice Can Transform You

And Is It Selfish Of Me To Crave Victory, Or Is It Brave?

What Good Is A Prepared Body If You Have A Scattered Mind?

Honesty Leads To Peace.

Just Because They Didn’t Shoot You All In The Head Doesn’t Mean Their Intentions Were Somehow Honorable. Why Do You Think They Came Here? Just To Run Through Your Hallways, Knock You Conscious, And Leave?

Though I Know That He Had Something To Do With The Attack Simulation, And With All Those Deaths, I Find It Difficult To Pair Those Actions With The Man I See In Front Of Me. I Wonder If This Is How It Is With All Evil Men, That To Someone, They Look Just Like Good Men, Talk Like Good Men, Are Just As Likeable As Good Men.

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J. Edgar Hoover

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