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As In A Game Ov Cards, So In The Game Ov Life, We Must Play What Is Dealt Tew Us, And The Glory Consists, Not So Mutch In Winning, As In Playing A Poor Hand Well.

-Josh Billings

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As In A Game

Josh Billings

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As In A Game Ov Cards, So In The Game Ov Life, We Must Play What Is Dealt Tew Us, And The Glory Consists, Not So Mutch In Winning, As In Playing A Poor Hand Well.

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Thrice Is He Armed That Hath His Quarrel Just, But Four Times He Who Gets His Blow In Fust

Laughter Is The Fireworks Of The Soul.

Truth Is The Edict Of God.

Advice Is Like Castor Oil — Easy Enough To Give But Dreadful Hard To Take.

One Of The Greatest Victories You Can Gain Over Someone Is To Beat Him At Politeness.

Greatest Victory

Flattery Is Like Cologne Water, To Be Smelt, Not Swallowed.

When You Do Laugh, Open Your Mouth Wide Enough For The Noise To Get Out Without Squealing, Throw Your Head Back As Though You Were Going To Be Shaved, Hold On To Your False Hair With Both Hands And Then Laugh Till Your Soul Gets Thoroughly Rested.

As Scarce As Truth Is, The Supply Has Always Been In Excess Of The Demand.

The Squeeky Wheel Gets The Grease.

A Learned Fool Is One Who Has Read Everything And Simply Remembered It.

Silence Is One Of The Hardest Kind Of Arguments To Refute. There Is No Good Substitute For Wisdom; But Silence Is The Best That Has Yet Been Discovered.

Sekts And Creeds Ov Religion, Are Like Pocket Compesses, Good Enuff Tu Pinte Out The Direction, But The Nearer The Pole Yu Git Thewuss Tha Wurk.

When I See A Man Of Shallow Understanding Extravagantly Clothed, I Feel Sorry - For The Clothes.

I Am A Poor Man, But I Have This Consolation: I Am Poor By Accident, Not By Design.

It's Not What We Don't Know That Prevents Us From Succeeding; It's What We Know That Just Ain't So That Is Our Greatest Obstacle.

Be Like A Postage Stamp. Stick To One Thing Until You Get There.

Doesn't Know Much, But Leads The League In Nostril Hair.

Hunting After Happiness Is Like Hunting After A Lost Sheep In The Wilderness--when You Find It, The Chances Are That It Is A Skeleton.

Don't Take The Bull By The Horns, Take Him By The Tail; Then You Can Let Go When You Want To.

Everyone Who Does The Best He Can Is A Hero.

A Dog Is The Only Thing On Earth That Loves You More Than You Love Yourself.

Experience Is A School Where A Man Learns What A Big Fool He Has Been.

If You Would Make Yourself Agreeable Wherever You Go, Listen To The Grievances Of Others But Never Relate Your Own.

When Good-natured People Leave Us We Look Forward With Extra Pleasure To Their Return.

I Never Had A Man Come To Me For Advice Yet, But What I Soon Discovered That He Thought More Of His Own Opinion Than He Did Of Mine.

Stupidity,--unconscious Ignorance.

As The Flint Contains The Spark, Unknown To Itself, Which The Steel Alone Can Awaken To Life, So Adversity Often Reveals To Us Hidden Gems, Which Prosperity Or Negligence Would Forever Have Hidden.

Threescore Years And Ten Is Enough; If A Man Can't Suffer All The Misery He Wants In That Time, He Must Be Numb.

Honesty Is The Rarest Wealth Anyone Can Possess.

Nature Makes All The Noblemen; Wealth, Education, Or Pedigree Never Made One Yet.

When A Man Makes Up His Mind To Become A Rascal, He Should Examine Himself Closely And See If He Isn't Better Constructed For A Fool.

When A Young Man Begins To Go Down Hill Everything Seems To Be Greased For The Occasion.

Marrying A Woman For Her Money Is Very Much Like Setting A Rat-trap, And Baiting It With Your Own Finger.

Better Make A Weak Man Your Enemy Than Your Friend.

When A Man Gets Talking About Himself, He Seldom Fails To Be Eloquent And Often Reaches The Sublime.

Every Man Has His Follies - And Often They Are The Most Interesting Thing He Has Got.

We Are Ap Tu Hate Them, Who Wont Take Our Advice, And Despise Them Who Do.

Genuine Laughing Is The Vent Of The Soul, The Nostrils Of The Heart, And Just As Necessary For Health And Happiness As Spring Water Is For A Trout.

The Nearest We Can Come To) Perfect Happiness Is To Cheat Ourselves With The Belief That We Have Got It.

Taking From Others Never Results In Prosperity. If We Steal From Others, Life Will Steal From Us. There Is An Incredible Abundance On This Planet. True Prosperity Begins With Feeling Good About Yourself And About The Choices You Make. Life Is Here For Us. Life Is Here To Support Us In Every Way. We Give Out, We Get Back. Honesty Is The Rarest Wealth Anyone Can Possess, And Yet All The Honesty In The World Ain't Lawful Tender For A Loaf Of Bread.

Zoroaster Said, When In Doubt Abstain; But This Does Not Always Apply. At Cards, When In Doubt Take The Trick.

Common Sense Is An Instinct Given To Man And Enough Of It Is Genius. Smartness Is Measured By The Level Of Common Sense One Has, Not By How Much Educated Or Knowledgeable He Is.

People Travel To Learn; Most Of Them Before They Start Should Learn To Travel.

We Should Make Virtue Our Master, Not Our Servant.

Pyrotechnically Considered, [laughing] Is The Fire-works Of The Soul.

Experience Is A Grindstone; And It Is Lucky For Us, If We Can Get Brightened By It, And Not Ground.

A Man Cannot Learn To Be Wise Any More Than He Can Learn To Be Handsome.

Too Many Individuals Are Like Shakespeare's Definition Of "echo,"--babbling Gossips Of The Air.

A Man Running For Office Puts Me In Mind Of A Dog That's Lost-he Smells Everybody He Meets, And Wags Himself All Over.

Experience Makes More Timid Men Than It Does Wise Ones.

Adversity Has The Same Effect On A Man That Severe Training Has On The Pugilist: It Reduces Him To His Fighting Weight.

Most People Repent Their Sins By Thanking God They Ain't So Wicked As Their Neighbors.

Men Are Seldom Underrated; The Mercury In A Man Finds Its True Level In The Eyes Of The World Just As Certainly As It Does In The Glass Of A Thermometer.

Don't Ever Prophesy; For If You Prophesy Wrong, Nobody Will Forget It; And If You Prophesy Right, Nobody Will Remember It.

Wisdom Deprives Even Poverty Of Half Its Power.

Words Are Often Seen Hunting For An Idea, But Ideas Are Never Seen Hunting For Words.

We Mingle In Society Not So Much To Meet Others As To Escape Ourselves.

There Is Only One Good Substitute For The Endearments Of A Sister, And That Is The Endearments Of Some Other Fellow's Sister.

As Long As We Are Lucky We Attribute It To Our Smartness; Our Bad Luck We Give The Gods Credit For.

Silence Is One Of The Hardest Arguments To Refute.

Never Teach Your Child To Be Cunning Or You May Be Certain You Will Be One Of The Very First Victims Of His Shrewdness.

Don't Put Off Till Tomorrow What Can Be Enjoyed Today.

Procrastination

Silence Is Said To Be Golden, But The Best Fools The World Has Ever Produced Had Nothing To Say On The Subject

A Wise Man Never Enjoys Himself So Much, Or A Fool So Little, As When He Is Alone.

Dr. Holmes Says, Both Wittily And Truly, That Crying Widows Are Easiest Consoled.

Economy Is A Savings-bank, Into Which Men Drop Pennies, And Get Dollars In Return.

I Think When The Full Horror Of Being Fifty Hits You, You Should Stay Home And Have A Good Cry.

...but Why Discourse Upon The Virtues Of The Horse? They Are Too Numerous To Tell Save When You Have A Horse To Sell.

Young Widows Still Bide Their Time.

A Secret Ceases To Be A Secret If It Is Once Confided - It Is Like A Dollar Bill, Once Broken, It Is Never A Dollar Again.

Men Who Have Much To Say Use The Fewest Words.

It Iz Comparitively Eazy Tew Repent Ov The Sins That We Hav Committed, But Tew Repent Ov Thoze Which We Intend To Commit, Is Asking Tew Mutch Ov Enny Man, Now Days.

Marrying For Love May Be A Bit Risky, But It Is So Honest That God Can't Help But Smile On It.

If Animals Had Reason, They Would Act Just As Ridiculous As We Menfolks Do.

Woman's Influence Is Powerful, Especially When She Wants Something.

True Valor Is Like Honesty; It Enters Into All That A Man Sees And Does.

In The Whole History Of The World There Is But One Thing That Money Cannot Buy...to Wit--the Wag Of A Dog's Tail.

If You Ever Find Happiness By Hunting For It, You Will Find It, As The Old Woman Did Her Lost Spectacles, Safe On Her Own Nose All The Time.

Laughter Is The Sensation Of Feeling Good All Over And Showing It Principally In One Place.

If There Was No Faith There Would Be No Living In This World. We Could Not Even Eat Hash With Any Safety.

There Are Lots Of People Who Mistake Their Imagination For Their Memory.

The Thinner The Ice, The More Anxious Is Everyone To See Whether It Will Bear.

To Bring Up A Child In The Way He Should Go, Travel That Way Yourself Once In A While.

There Is No Passion Of The Human Heart That Promises So Much And Pays So Little As Revenge.

There Are People So Addicted To Exaggeration That They Actually Can't Tell The Truth Without Lying.

Exaggeration Is

And Now The Lads And Lasses, Following The Example Of The Birds, Bill And Coo Together.

Fun Is A Sugar-coated Physic.

I Would Much Rather Always Look Forward To The Time When I Am Going To Ride In A Carriage, Than To Look Back On The Time When I Used To.

There's A Great Power In Words, If You Don't Hitch Too Many Of Them Together.

The Devil Is The Father Of Lies, But He Neglected To Patent The Idea, And The Business Now Suffers From Competition.

Satire That Is Seasonable And Just Is Often More Effectual Than Law Or Gospel.

Experience Increases Our Wisdom But Doesn't Reduce Our Follies.

Admiration Is A Youthful Fancy Will Which Scarcely Ever Survives To Mature Years.

Rumor Is A Vagrant Without A Home, And Lives Upon What It Can Pick Up.

Selfish People, With No Heart To Speak Of, Have The Best Time Of It.

Liberty, Like Chastity, Once Lost, Can Never Be Regained In Its Original Purity.

If A Man Should Happen To Reach Perfection In This World, He Would Have To Die Immediately To Enjoy Himself.

Remember The Poor, It Costs Nothing.

A Good Place To Visit, But A Poor Place To Stay.

Dangers Are Sum Like A Kold Bath, Very Dangerous While You Stand Stripped On The Bank, But Often Not Only Harmless, But Invigorating, If You Pitch Into Them.

Newfoundland Dogs Are Good To Save Children From Drowning, But You Must Have A Pond Of Water Handy And A Child, Or Else There Will Be No Profit In Boarding A Newfoundland.

It Is A Statistical Fact That The Wicked Work Harder To Reach Hell Than The Righteous Do To Enter Heaven

What Is A Man Profited, If He Shall Gain The Whole World, And Lose His Own Soul I Suppose This Depends Somewhat Upon The Size Of The Soul. I Think There Are Cases Where The Trade Would Do.

Pity Costs Nothing, And It Ain't Worth Nothing.

I Never Question A Success, Any More Than I Do The Right Of A Bulldog To Lie In His Own Gateway.

I Do Not Know Of A Better Cure For Sorrow Than To Pity Somebody Else.

Consider The Postage Stamp: Its Usefulness Consists In The Ability To Stick To One Thing Till It Gets There.

I Haven't Got As Much Money As Some Folks, But I've Got As Much Impudence As Any Of Them, And That's The Next Thing To Money.

Opinions Should Be Formed With Great Caution, And Changed With Greater.

People Who Have Nothing To Say Are Never At A Loss In Talking.

Prejudice Is A House-plant Which Is Very Apt To Wilt If You Take It Out-of-doors Among Folks.

It Is A Great Art To Be Superior To Others Without Letting Them Know It.

Habits Are Like The Wrinkles On A Man's Brow; If You Will Smooth Out The One, I Will Smooth Out The Other.

I Hold That A Man Has As Much Right To Spell A Word As It Is Pronounced As He Has To Pronounce It The Way It Ain't Spelled.

A Puppy Plays With Every Pup He Meets, But An Old Dog Has Few Associates.

If You Believe You Can Do Something, Then You Can Acquire The Ability To Do It Even If You Didn't Have It In The Beginning.

To Enjoy A Good Reputation, Give Publicly, And Steal Privately.

As In A Game Ov Cards, So In The Game Ov Life, We Must Play What Is Dealt Tew Us, And The Glory Consists, Not So Mutch In Winning, As In Playing A Poor Hand Well.

Old Maids Sweeten Their Tea With Scandal.

The Miser And The Glutton Are Two Facetious Buzzards: One Hides His Store, And The Other Stores His Hide.

It Ain't No Disgrace For A Man To Fall, But To Lie There And Grunt Is.

Society Is Composed Of Slow Christians And Wide-awake Sinners.

The Man Who Gets Bit Twice By The Same Dog Is Better Adapted For That Kind Of Business Than Any Other.

Poverty Is The Step-mother Of Genius.

The Trouble With Most Folks Isn't Their Ignorance. It's Knowin' So Many Things That Ain't So.

Music Hath The Charm To Soothe A Savage Beast, But I'd Try A Revolver First.

There Is Nothing So Easy To Learn As Experience And Nothing So Hard To Apply.

Take The Selfishness Out Of This World And There Would Be More Happiness Than We Should Know What To Do With.

Contentment Is A Kind Of Moral Laziness; If There Wasn't Anything But Contentment In His World, Man Wouldn't Be Any More Of A Success Than An Angleworm Is

Virtue Does Not Consist In The Absence Of The Passions, But In The Control Of Them.

Fools Carry Their Daggers In Their Open Mouths.

Some Folks Are Wise And Some Otherwise.

Stupidity And Ignorance

True Wisdom Is Plenty Of Experience, Observation, And Reflection. False Wisdom Is Plenty Of Ignorance, Arrogance, And Impudence.

As A General Thing, An Individual Who Is Neat In His Person Is Neat In His Morals.

It Is Better To Know Nothing Than To Know What Ain't So.

Love Is Like The Measles; We Can't Have It Bad But Once, And The Later In Life We Have It The Tougher It Goes With Us.

Theory Looks Well On Paper, But Does Not Amount To Anything Without Practice.

Peace Is The Soft And Holy Shadow That Virtue Casts.

The Easiest Thing For Our Friends To Discover In Us, And The Hardest Thing For Us To Discover In Ourselves, Is That We Are Growing Old.

Never Work Before Breakfast; If You Have To Work Before Breakfast, Eat Your Breakfast First.

Music Wasn't Made To Make Us Wise, But Better Natured.

The Great Art Of Writing Is Knowing When To Stop.

The Morning Paper Is Just As Necessary For An American As Dew Is To The Grass.

Knowledge Is Like Money, The More A Man Gits The More He Hankers For.

If You Do Not Know How To Lie, Cheat, And Steal, Turn Your Attention To Politics And Learn.

Man Is My Brother, And I Am Nearer Related To Him Through His Vices Than I Am Through His Virtue.

Every Man Should Know Something Of Law; If He Knows Enough To Keep Out Of It, He Is A Pretty Good Lawyer.

Fuss Is Half-sister To Hurry, And Neither Of Them Can Do Anything Without Getting In Their Own Way.

What The World Wants Iz [sic] Good Examples, Not So Mutch Advice; Advice May Be Wrong, But Examples Prove Themselves.

Pride Seems Tew Be Quite Equally Distributed; The Man Who Owns The Carriage And The Man Who Drives It Seem Tew Have It Just Alike.

My Advice To Those Who Are About To Begin, In Earnest, The Journey Of Life, Is To Take Their Heart In One Hand And A Club In The Other.

When A Man Comes To Me For Advice, I Find Out The Kind Of Advice He Wants, And I Give It To Him.

Rivalry And Envy Are Siamese Twins.

There Are People Who Are Always Anticipating Trouble, And In This Way They Manage To Enjoy Many Sorrows That Never Really Happen To Them.

Menny Think Tha Luv Their Husbands Almost Tew Deth, When In Fack, Tha Are Only Jealous Ov Them.

Never Run Into Debt, Not If You Can Find Anything Else To Run Into.

Plenty Of Folks Are So Contrary That If They Should Fall Into The River, They Would Insist Upon Floating Upstream.

The More Humble A Man Is Before God The More He Will Be Exalted; The More Humble He Is Before Man, The More He Will Get Rode Roughshod.

Clothes Form The Intellect Of The Dandy.

Theres Not A Lot Of Good Humor In Medicine, But Theres A Lot Of Medicine In Good Humor.

Titles Are Valuable; They Make Us Acquainted With Many Persons Who Otherwise Would Be Lost Among The Rubbish.

The Man Who Has Never Been Tempted Doesn't Know How Dishonest He Is.

Seneca Devoted Much Of His Time To Writing Essays In Praise Of Poverty, And In Lending Money At Usurious Rates.

I Hate To Be A Kicker, I Always Long For Peace, But The Wheel That Does The Squeaking, Is The One That Gets The Grease.

Despatch Is Taking Time By The Ears; Hurry Is Taking It By The End Of The Tail.

Life Is Like A Mountain: After Climbing Up One Side And Sliding Down The Other, Put Up The Sled.

Advice Is Like Kissing: It Costs Nothing And Is A Pleasant Thing To Do.

Beauty Is A Very Handy Thing To Have, Especially For A Woman Who Ain't Handsome.

Shame Is The Dying Embers Of Virtue.

There Is No Greater Evidence Of Superior Intelligence Than To Be Surprised At Nothing.

The Secret Of Forgiving Everything Is To Understand Nothing.

About The Most Originality That Any Writer Can Hope To Achieve Honestly Is To Steal With Good Judgment.

A Good Way I Know To Find Happiness, Is To Not Bore A Hole To Fit The Plug.

Reason Often Makes Mistakes, But Conscience Never Does.

It's Not Only The Most Difficult Thing To Know One's Self, But The Most Inconvenient.

I Don't Care How Much A Man Talks, If He Only Says It In A Few Words.

Take All The Fools Out Of This World And There Wouldn't Be Any Fun Living In It, Or Profit.

One Of The Best Temporary Cures For Pride And Affectation Is Seasickness; A Man Who Wants To Vomit Never Puts On Airs.

It Ain't So Much The Things We Don't Know That Get Us Into Trouble. It's The Things We Know That Just Ain't So.

There Is No Revenge So Complete As Forgiveness.

It Is Not Much Trouble To Doctor Sick Folks, But To Doctor Healthy Ones Is Troublesome.

Life Is Short, But It's Long Enough To Ruin Any Man Who Wants To Be Ruined.

Don't Mistake Pleasure For Happiness. They Are A Different Breed Of Dogs.

The Highest Philosophers, In Explaining The Mystery Of This World, Are Obliged To Call In The Aid Of Another.

Silence Is A Still Noise.

It Is True That Wealth Won't Make A Man Virtuous, But I Notice There Ain't Anybody Who Wants To Be Poor Just For The Purpose Of Being Good.

The Fools In This World Make About As Much Trouble As The Wicked Do.

Ambition Is Like Hunger; It Obeys No Law But Its Appetite

Advice Maybe Wrong, But Examples Prove Themselves.

It Ain't What A Man Don't Know That Makes Him A Fool, But What He Does Know That Ain't So.

Man Isn't A Fool For His Ignorance, But Rather For Believing Things That Are Wrong.

Men Of Genius Are Like Eagles, They Live On What They Kill, While Men Of Talents Are Like Crows, They Live On What Has Been Killed For Them.

Some Folks As They Grow Older Grow Wise But Most Folks Simply Grow Stubborner.

Human Happiness Konsists In Having What Yu Want, And Wanting What Yu Have.

Pedantry Is Paraded Knowledge.

Metaphysics Is The Science Of Proving What We Don't Understand.

Common Sense Is The Knack Of Seeing Things As They Are, And Doing Things As They Ought To Be Done.

Anxiety Will Bear A Lot Of Nuisance.

You Cannot Analyze A Kiss Any More Than You Can Dissect The Fragrance Of Flowers.

Good Nonsense Is Good Sense In Disguise.

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