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When A Man Gets Talking About Himself, He Seldom Fails To Be Eloquent And Often Reaches The Sublime.

-Josh Billings

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When A Man Gets

Josh Billings

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When A Man Gets Talking About Himself, He Seldom Fails To Be Eloquent And Often Reaches The Sublime.

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Pity Cost Nothing And Ain't Worth Nothing.

I Never Had A Man Come To Me For Advice Yet, But What I Soon Discovered That He Thought More Of His Own Opinion Than He Did Of Mine.

Good Nonsense Is Good Sense In Disguise.

There Is No Revenge So Complete As Forgiveness.

Clothes Form The Intellect Of The Dandy.

Time Is Like Money, The Less We Have Of It To Spare The Further We Make It Go.

A Man Running For Office Puts Me In Mind Of A Dog That's Lost-he Smells Everybody He Meets, And Wags Himself All Over.

We Should Make Virtue Our Master, Not Our Servant.

The Squeeky Wheel Gets The Grease.

Pyrotechnically Considered, [laughing] Is The Fire-works Of The Soul.

There's A Great Power In Words, If You Don't Hitch Too Many Of Them Together.

There Is No Limit To The Vanity Of This World. Each Spoke In The Wheel Thinks The Whole Strength Of The Wheel Depends Upon It.

I Think When The Full Horror Of Being Fifty Hits You, You Should Stay Home And Have A Good Cry.

The Fools In This World Make About As Much Trouble As The Wicked Do.

A Slander Is Like A Hornet; If You Cannot Kill It Dead At The First Blow, Better Not To Strike At It.

Advice Maybe Wrong, But Examples Prove Themselves.

Menny Think Tha Luv Their Husbands Almost Tew Deth, When In Fack, Tha Are Only Jealous Ov Them.

Seneca Devoted Much Of His Time To Writing Essays In Praise Of Poverty, And In Lending Money At Usurious Rates.

Wisdom Deprives Even Poverty Of Half Its Power.

Building Air Castles Is A Harmless Business As Long As You Don't Attempt To Live In Them.

Biography Is The Best Form Of History.

Dangers Are Sum Like A Kold Bath, Very Dangerous While You Stand Stripped On The Bank, But Often Not Only Harmless, But Invigorating, If You Pitch Into Them.

Better Make A Weak Man Your Enemy Than Your Friend.

Sekts And Creeds Ov Religion, Are Like Pocket Compesses, Good Enuff Tu Pinte Out The Direction, But The Nearer The Pole Yu Git Thewuss Tha Wurk.

The Best Way To Convince A Fool That He Is Wrong Is To Let Him Have His Own Way.

There Is Nothing So Easy To Learn As Experience And Nothing So Hard To Apply.

The More Humble A Man Is Before God The More He Will Be Exalted; The More Humble He Is Before Man, The More He Will Get Rode Roughshod.

My Advice To Those Who Are About To Begin, In Earnest, The Journey Of Life, Is To Take Their Heart In One Hand And A Club In The Other.

When A Young Man Begins To Go Down Hill Everything Seems To Be Greased For The Occasion.

Everybody In This World Wants Watching, But Nobody More Than Ourselves.

Plenty Of Folks Are So Contrary That If They Should Fall Into The River, They Would Insist Upon Floating Upstream.

The Soul Has More Diseases Than The Body.

It Strains A Man's Philosophy The Worst Kind To Laugh When He Gets Beat.

Habits Are Like The Wrinkles On A Man's Brow; If You Will Smooth Out The One, I Will Smooth Out The Other.

If A Man Should Happen To Reach Perfection In This World, He Would Have To Die Immediately To Enjoy Himself.

Music Wasn't Made To Make Us Wise, But Better Natured.

Be Like A Postage Stamp. Stick To One Thing Until You Get There.

Marrying A Woman For Her Money Is Very Much Like Setting A Rat-trap, And Baiting It With Your Own Finger.

Money Will Buy A Pretty Good Dog, But It Won't Buy The Wag Of His Tail.

Experience Makes More Timid Men Than It Does Wise Ones.

Men Of Genius Are Like Eagles, They Live On What They Kill, While Men Of Talents Are Like Crows, They Live On What Has Been Killed For Them.

Jealousy Is One Of Love's Parasites.

Fuss Is Half-sister To Hurry, And Neither Of Them Can Do Anything Without Getting In Their Own Way.

I Never Knew A Man Troubled With Melancholy, Who Had Plenty To Do, And Did It.

One Of The Rarest Things That A Man Ever Does, Is To Do The Best He Can.

No One Can Disgrace Us But Ourselves.

Despatch Is Taking Time By The Ears; Hurry Is Taking It By The End Of The Tail.

We Mingle In Society Not So Much To Meet Others As To Escape Ourselves.

It Is Not All Bad, This Getting Old, Ripening. After The Fruit Has Got Its Growth It Should Juice Up And Mellow. God Forbid I Should Live Long Enough To Ferment And Rot And Fall To The Ground In A Squash.

The Hardest Thing Any Man Can Do Is To Fall Down On The Ice When It's Slippery, And Get Up And Praise The Lord.

Wisdom Has Never Made A Bigot, But Learning Has.

Half Of The Troubles Of This Life Can Be Traced To Saying Yes Too Quickly And Not Saying No Soon Enough.

When You Do Laugh, Open Your Mouth Wide Enough For The Noise To Get Out Without Squealing, Throw Your Head Back As Though You Were Going To Be Shaved, Hold On To Your False Hair With Both Hands And Then Laugh Till Your Soul Gets Thoroughly Rested.

Some Folks As They Grow Older Grow Wise But Most Folks Simply Grow Stubborner.

Everyone Who Does The Best He Can Is A Hero.

I Have Never Known A Person To Live To Be One Hundred And Be Remarkable For Anything Else.

Music Hath The Charm To Soothe A Savage Beast, But I'd Try A Revolver First.

Never Teach Your Child To Be Cunning Or You May Be Certain You Will Be One Of The Very First Victims Of His Shrewdness.

Fun Is A Sugar-coated Physic.

I Don't Never Have Any Trouble In Regulating My Own Conduct, But To Keep Other Folks' Straight Is What Bothers Me.

The Very Thing That Men Think They Have Got The Most Of, They Have Got The Least Of; And That Is Judgment.

Love Is Like The Measles; We Can't Have It Bad But Once, And The Later In Life We Have It The Tougher It Goes With Us.

Common Sense Is The Knack Of Seeing Things As They Are, And Doing Things As They Ought To Be Done.

One Of The Greatest Victories You Can Gain Over Someone Is To Beat Him At Politeness.

Greatest Victory

Zoroaster Said, When In Doubt Abstain; But This Does Not Always Apply. At Cards, When In Doubt Take The Trick.

Fortune Is Like A Coquette; If You Don't Run After Her, She Will Run After You.

I Have Lived In This World Just Long Enough To Look Carefully The Second Time Into Things That I Am Most Certain Of The First Time.

Perseverance Is King.

I Hate To Be A Kicker, I Always Long For Peace, But The Wheel That Does The Squeaking, Is The One That Gets The Grease.

Ignorance Is The Wet-nurse Of Prejudice.

Life Consists Not In Holding Good Cards But In Playing Those You Hold Well.

Selfish People, With No Heart To Speak Of, Have The Best Time Of It.

Don't Take The Bull By The Horns, Take Him By The Tail; Then You Can Let Go When You Want To.

Laughter Is The Sensation Of Feeling Good All Over And Showing It Principally In One Place.

Take The Humbug Out Of This World, And You Haven't Much Left To Do Business With.

Silence Never Makes Any Blunders.

Adam Invented Love At First Sight, One Of The Greatest Labor-saving Machines The World Ever Saw.

As A General Rule, If You Want To Get At The Truth - Hear Both Sides And Believe Neither.

Put An Englishman Into The Garden Of Eden, And He Would Find Fault With The Whole Blasted Concern; Put A Yankee In, And He Would See Where He Could Alter It To Advantage; Put An Irishman In, And He Would Want To Boss The Thing; Put A Dutchman In, And He Would Proceed To Plant It.

Remember The Poor, It Costs Nothing.

Pity Costs Nothing, And It Ain't Worth Nothing.

It's Not Ignorance Does So Much Damage; It's Knowin' So Derned Much That Ain't So.

Tears Are A Good Alterative, But A Poor Diet.

About The Most Originality That Any Writer Can Hope To Achieve Honestly Is To Steal With Good Judgment.

It Is Easier To Be Virtuous Than It Is To Appear So, And It Pays Better.

Don't Have Any More Secrets Than You Can Keep Yourself.

Wise Men Have But Few Confidants, And Cunning Ones None.

Stupidity,--unconscious Ignorance.

Incredulity Is The Wisdom Of The Fool.

Economy Is A Savings-bank, Into Which Men Drop Pennies, And Get Dollars In Return.

Men Are Seldom Underrated; The Mercury In A Man Finds Its True Level In The Eyes Of The World Just As Certainly As It Does In The Glass Of A Thermometer.

Beauty Is A Very Handy Thing To Have, Especially For A Woman Who Ain't Handsome.

Most Men Would Rather Be Charged With Malice Than With Making A Blunder.

Take The Selfishness Out Of This World And There Would Be More Happiness Than We Should Know What To Do With.

A Witty Writer Is Like A Porcupine; His Quill Makes No Distinction Between Friend And Foe.

Never Run Into Debt, Not If You Can Find Anything Else To Run Into.

Occasions Are Rare; And Those, Who Know How To Seize Upon Them, Are Rarer.

Rare Opportunities

A Learned Fool Is One Who Has Read Everything And Simply Remembered It.

If Animals Had Reason, They Would Act Just As Ridiculous As We Menfolks Do.

Men Who Have Much To Say Use The Fewest Words.

Genuine Laughing Is The Vent Of The Soul, The Nostrils Of The Heart, And Just As Necessary For Health And Happiness As Spring Water Is For A Trout.

What Is A Man Profited, If He Shall Gain The Whole World, And Lose His Own Soul I Suppose This Depends Somewhat Upon The Size Of The Soul. I Think There Are Cases Where The Trade Would Do.

Theres Not A Lot Of Good Humor In Medicine, But Theres A Lot Of Medicine In Good Humor.

Genius Ain't Anything More Than Elegant Common Sense.

Life Is Like A Mountain: After Climbing Up One Side And Sliding Down The Other, Put Up The Sled.

Never Work Before Breakfast; If You Have To Work Before Breakfast, Eat Your Breakfast First.

There Is Only One Good Substitute For The Endearments Of A Sister, And That Is The Endearments Of Some Other Fellow's Sister.

There Is Gravity In Wisdom, But No Particular Wisdom In Gravity.

I Don't Care How Much A Man Talks, If He Only Says It In A Few Words.

It Is True That Wealth Won't Make A Man Virtuous, But I Notice There Ain't Anybody Who Wants To Be Poor Just For The Purpose Of Being Good.

Theory Looks Well On Paper, But Does Not Amount To Anything Without Practice.

If You Do Not Know How To Lie, Cheat, And Steal, Turn Your Attention To Politics And Learn.

Life Is Short, But It's Long Enough To Ruin Any Man Who Wants To Be Ruined.

There Is No Passion Of The Human Heart That Promises So Much And Pays So Little As Revenge.

Most Everyone Seems Willing To Be A Fool Himself, But He Can't Bear To Have Anyone Else One.

The Dog That Will Follow Everbody Ain't Worth A Curse.

Most People Repent Their Sins By Thanking God They Ain't So Wicked As Their Neighbors.

The Trouble With Most Folks Isn't Their Ignorance. It's Knowin' So Many Things That Ain't So.

The Devil Is The Father Of Lies, But He Neglected To Patent The Idea, And The Business Now Suffers From Competition.

Our Continual Desire For Praise Ought To Convince Us Of Our Mortality, If Nothing Else Will.

The Quickest Way To Take The Starch Out Of Someone Who Is Always Blaming Himself Is To Agree With Him.

It's Not So Hard To Get Rich As It Is To Know When You Have Gotten Rich.

There Are Only Two Qualities In The World: Efficiency And Inefficiency; And Only Two Sorts Of People: The Efficient And The Inefficient.

Some Folks Are Wise And Some Otherwise.

Stupidity And Ignorance

Don't Ever Prophesy; For If You Prophesy Wrong, Nobody Will Forget It; And If You Prophesy Right, Nobody Will Remember It.

Hunting After Happiness Is Like Hunting After A Lost Sheep In The Wilderness--when You Find It, The Chances Are That It Is A Skeleton.

I Am A Poor Man, But I Have This Consolation: I Am Poor By Accident, Not By Design.

Reason Often Makes Mistakes, But Conscience Never Does.

Pride Seems Tew Be Quite Equally Distributed; The Man Who Owns The Carriage And The Man Who Drives It Seem Tew Have It Just Alike.

Love Is Said To Be Blind, But I Know Some Fellows In Love Who Can See Twice As Much In Their Sweethearts As I Do.

There Are Lots Of People Who Mistake Their Imagination For Their Memory.

If The World Despises A Hypocrite, What Must They Think Of Him In Heaven?

Poverty Is The Step-mother Of Genius.

There Is A Significant Latin Proverb; To Wit: Who Will Guard The Guards?

It Is The Little Bits Of Things That Fret And Worry Us; We Can Dodge A Elephant, But We Can't Dodge A Fly.

Anxiety Will Bear A Lot Of Nuisance.

If A Man Is Right, He Can't Be Too Radical; If He Is Wrong, He Can't Be Too Conservative.

Fashion Makes Fools Of Some, Sinners Of Others, And Slaves Of All.

Confess Your Sins To The Lord And You Will Be Forgiven; Confess Them To Man And You Will Be Laughed At.

Learning Sleeps And Snores In Libraries, But Wisdom Is Everywhere, Wide Awake, On Tiptoe.

As In A Game Ov Cards, So In The Game Ov Life, We Must Play What Is Dealt Tew Us, And The Glory Consists, Not So Mutch In Winning, As In Playing A Poor Hand Well.

Friendship Is Like Earthenware, Once Broken, It Can Be Mended; Love Is Like A Mirror, Once Broken That Ends It.

Common Sense Is Instinct, And Enough Of It Is Genius.

Man Isn't A Fool For His Ignorance, But Rather For Believing Things That Are Wrong.

I Do Not Know Of A Better Cure For Sorrow Than To Pity Somebody Else.

You Can Reach Stupidity Only With A Cannon Ball.

To Bring Up A Child In The Way He Should Go, Travel That Way Yourself Once In A While.

Politeness Is Better Than Logic. You Can Often Persuade When You Cannot Convince.

About The Only Difference Between The Poor And The Rich, Is This, The Poor Suffer Misery, While The Rich Have To Enjoy It.

Society Is Composed Of Slow Christians And Wide-awake Sinners.

It Ain't So Much The Things We Don't Know That Get Us Into Trouble. It's The Things We Know That Just Ain't So.

The Best Time For You To Hold Your Tongue Is The Time You Feel You Must Say Something Or Bust.

I Would Much Rather Always Look Forward To The Time When I Am Going To Ride In A Carriage, Than To Look Back On The Time When I Used To.

Experience Is A Grindstone; And It Is Lucky For Us, If We Can Get Brightened By It, And Not Ground.

Dr. Holmes Says, Both Wittily And Truly, That Crying Widows Are Easiest Consoled.

Debt Is Like Any Other Trap, Easy Enough To Get Into, But Hard Enough To Get Out Of.

The Man Who Gets Bit Twice By The Same Dog Is Better Adapted For That Kind Of Business Than Any Other.

I've Never Known An Auctioneer To Lie Unless It Was Absolutely Necessary.

Error Will Slip Through A Crack, While Truth Will Stick In A Doorway.

Where Religion Is A Trade, Morality Is A Merchandise.

It Ain't Often That A Man's Reputation Outlasts His Money.

It Ain't What A Man Don't Know That Makes Him A Fool, But What He Does Know That Ain't So.

Take All The Fools Out Of This World And There Wouldn't Be Any Fun Living In It, Or Profit.

He Whom Prosperity Humbles, And Adversity Strengthens, Is The True Hero.

Ignorance Ain't Not Knowin' Stuff; Ignorance Is Knowin' Stuff That Ain't True.

The Nearest We Can Come To) Perfect Happiness Is To Cheat Ourselves With The Belief That We Have Got It.

To Enjoy A Good Reputation, Give Publicly, And Steal Privately.

The Best Creed We Can Have Is Charity Toward The Creeds Of Others.

Be Kind To Your Mother-in-law, But Pay For Her Board At Some Good Hotel.

The Time To Pray Is Not When We Are In A Tight Spot But Just As Soon As We Get Out Of It.

The Man Who Has Never Been Tempted Doesn't Know How Dishonest He Is.

As A General Thing, An Individual Who Is Neat In His Person Is Neat In His Morals.

...but Why Discourse Upon The Virtues Of The Horse? They Are Too Numerous To Tell Save When You Have A Horse To Sell.

Common Sense Is An Instinct Given To Man And Enough Of It Is Genius. Smartness Is Measured By The Level Of Common Sense One Has, Not By How Much Educated Or Knowledgeable He Is.

The Man Whose Only Pleasure In Life Is Making Money, Weighs Less On The Moral Scale Than An Angleworm.

As A General Thing, When A Woman Wears The Pants In A Family, She Has A Good Right To Them.

As Scarce As Truth Is, The Supply Has Always Been In Excess Of The Demand.

A Wise Man Never Enjoys Himself So Much, Or A Fool So Little, As When He Is Alone.

Honesty Is The Rarest Wealth Anyone Can Possess, And Yet All The Honesty In The World Ain't Lawful Tender For A Loaf Of Bread.

When Good-natured People Leave Us We Look Forward With Extra Pleasure To Their Return.

Truth Is The Edict Of God.

Prejudice Assumes The Garb Of Reason, But The Cheat Is Too Thin.

Laughter Is The Fireworks Of The Soul.

If Mankind Were Only Just What They Pretend To Be, The Problem Of The Millennium Would Be Immediately Solved.

If You Ever Find Happiness By Hunting For It, You Will Find It, As The Old Woman Did Her Lost Spectacles, Safe On Her Own Nose All The Time.

Men Mourn For What They Have Lost; Women For What They Ain't Got.

The Secret Of Forgiving Everything Is To Understand Nothing.

People Who Have Nothing To Say Are Never At A Loss In Talking.

People Travel To Learn; Most Of Them Before They Start Should Learn To Travel.

It Is Easy To Assume A Habit; But When You Try To Cast It Off, It Will Take Skin And All.

When A Man Makes Up His Mind To Become A Rascal, He Should Examine Himself Closely And See If He Isn't Better Constructed For A Fool.

Every Man Should Know Something Of Law; If He Knows Enough To Keep Out Of It, He Is A Pretty Good Lawyer.

Threescore Years And Ten Is Enough; If A Man Can't Suffer All The Misery He Wants In That Time, He Must Be Numb.

Shame Is The Dying Embers Of Virtue.

Advice Is Like Kissing: It Costs Nothing And Is A Pleasant Thing To Do.

It Ain't No Disgrace For A Man To Fall, But To Lie There And Grunt Is.

Keep A Cow, And Then The Milk Won't Have To Be Watered But Once.

If You Believe You Can Do Something, Then You Can Acquire The Ability To Do It Even If You Didn't Have It In The Beginning.

A Good Way I Know To Find Happiness, Is To Not Bore A Hole To Fit The Plug.

Every Man Has His Follies - And Often They Are The Most Interesting Thing He Has Got.

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