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If Mankind Were Only Just What They Pretend To Be, The Problem Of The Millennium Would Be Immediately Solved.

-Josh Billings

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If Mankind Were Only

Josh Billings

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If Mankind Were Only Just What They Pretend To Be, The Problem Of The Millennium Would Be Immediately Solved.

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The Soul Has More Diseases Than The Body.

Hunting After Happiness Is Like Hunting After A Lost Sheep In The Wilderness--when You Find It, The Chances Are That It Is A Skeleton.

Never Teach Your Child To Be Cunning Or You May Be Certain You Will Be One Of The Very First Victims Of His Shrewdness.

Silence Is One Of The Hardest Arguments To Refute.

Some Folks As They Grow Older Grow Wise But Most Folks Simply Grow Stubborner.

Most People Repent Their Sins By Thanking God They Ain't So Wicked As Their Neighbors.

When A Man Makes Up His Mind To Become A Rascal, He Should Examine Himself Closely And See If He Isn't Better Constructed For A Fool.

Pity Costs Nothing, And It Ain't Worth Nothing.

Threescore Years And Ten Is Enough; If A Man Can't Suffer All The Misery He Wants In That Time, He Must Be Numb.

It Is Easier To Be Virtuous Than It Is To Appear So, And It Pays Better.

Man Isn't A Fool For His Ignorance, But Rather For Believing Things That Are Wrong.

Adam Invented Love At First Sight, One Of The Greatest Labor-saving Machines The World Ever Saw.

Never Run Into Debt, Not If You Can Find Anything Else To Run Into.

A Man Cannot Learn To Be Wise Any More Than He Can Learn To Be Handsome.

Adversity Has The Same Effect On A Man That Severe Training Has On The Pugilist: It Reduces Him To His Fighting Weight.

Tears Are A Good Alterative, But A Poor Diet.

Experience Is A School Where A Man Learns What A Big Fool He Has Been.

I Think When The Full Horror Of Being Fifty Hits You, You Should Stay Home And Have A Good Cry.

Woman's Influence Is Powerful, Especially When She Wants Something.

Silence Is Said To Be Golden, But The Best Fools The World Has Ever Produced Had Nothing To Say On The Subject

Experience Increases Our Wisdom But Doesn't Reduce Our Follies.

Marrying A Woman For Her Money Is Very Much Like Setting A Rat-trap, And Baiting It With Your Own Finger.

To Bring Up A Child In The Way He Should Go, Travel That Way Yourself Once In A While.

The Nearest We Can Come To) Perfect Happiness Is To Cheat Ourselves With The Belief That We Have Got It.

Don't Ever Prophesy; For If You Prophesy Wrong, Nobody Will Forget It; And If You Prophesy Right, Nobody Will Remember It.

Shame Is The Dying Embers Of Virtue.

Theres Not A Lot Of Good Humor In Medicine, But Theres A Lot Of Medicine In Good Humor.

The Man Who Ain't Got An Enemy Is Really Poor.

Life Is Like A Mountain: After Climbing Up One Side And Sliding Down The Other, Put Up The Sled.

Contentment Is A Kind Of Moral Laziness; If There Wasn't Anything But Contentment In His World, Man Wouldn't Be Any More Of A Success Than An Angleworm Is

Menny Think Tha Luv Their Husbands Almost Tew Deth, When In Fack, Tha Are Only Jealous Ov Them.

You Can Reach Stupidity Only With A Cannon Ball.

Advice Maybe Wrong, But Examples Prove Themselves.

Rivalry And Envy Are Siamese Twins.

The Dog That Will Follow Everbody Ain't Worth A Curse.

When Good-natured People Leave Us We Look Forward With Extra Pleasure To Their Return.

Keep A Cow, And Then The Milk Won't Have To Be Watered But Once.

There Is No Revenge So Complete As Forgiveness.

He Whom Prosperity Humbles, And Adversity Strengthens, Is The True Hero.

Time Is Like Money, The Less We Have Of It To Spare The Further We Make It Go.

You Should Always Live Within Your Income, Even If You Have To Borrow To Do So.

My Advice To Those Who Are About To Begin, In Earnest, The Journey Of Life, Is To Take Their Heart In One Hand And A Club In The Other.

Peace Is The Soft And Holy Shadow That Virtue Casts.

Love Is Said To Be Blind, But I Know Some Fellows In Love Who Can See Twice As Much In Their Sweethearts As I Do.

Economy Is A Savings-bank, Into Which Men Drop Pennies, And Get Dollars In Return.

The Best Way To Convince A Fool That He Is Wrong Is To Let Him Have His Own Way.

The Road To Ruin Is Always In Good Repair, And The Travellers Pay The Expense Of It.

Dangers Are Sum Like A Kold Bath, Very Dangerous While You Stand Stripped On The Bank, But Often Not Only Harmless, But Invigorating, If You Pitch Into Them.

Unless We Put Heart And Soul Into Our Labor We But Brutify Our Actions.

Incredulity Is The Wisdom Of The Fool.

The Man Who Has Never Been Tempted Doesn't Know How Dishonest He Is.

The Easiest Thing For Our Friends To Discover In Us, And The Hardest Thing For Us To Discover In Ourselves, Is That We Are Growing Old.

Most Men Had Rather Say A Smart Thing Than Do A Good One. John P. Kotter, Leading Change.

Clothes Form The Intellect Of The Dandy.

It Is The Little Bits Of Things That Fret And Worry Us; We Can Dodge A Elephant, But We Can't Dodge A Fly.

As A General Rule, If You Want To Get At The Truth - Hear Both Sides And Believe Neither.

Every Man Should Know Something Of Law; If He Knows Enough To Keep Out Of It, He Is A Pretty Good Lawyer.

The Squeeky Wheel Gets The Grease.

It Is A Statistical Fact That The Wicked Work Harder To Reach Hell Than The Righteous Do To Enter Heaven

Our Continual Desire For Praise Ought To Convince Us Of Our Mortality, If Nothing Else Will.

When A Man Comes To Me For Advice, I Find Out The Kind Of Advice He Wants, And I Give It To Him.

There Is No Greater Evidence Of Superior Intelligence Than To Be Surprised At Nothing.

Virtue Does Not Consist In The Absence Of The Passions, But In The Control Of Them.

Metaphysics Is The Science Of Proving What We Don't Understand.

One Legged Chickens, I Know, Are The Least Apt To Scratch A Garden.

Don't Put Off Till Tomorrow What Can Be Enjoyed Today.

Procrastination

True Valor Is Like Honesty; It Enters Into All That A Man Sees And Does.

Silence Is One Of The Hardest Kind Of Arguments To Refute. There Is No Good Substitute For Wisdom; But Silence Is The Best That Has Yet Been Discovered.

It Ain't What A Man Don't Know That Makes Him A Fool, But What He Does Know That Ain't So.

Common Sense Is An Instinct Given To Man And Enough Of It Is Genius. Smartness Is Measured By The Level Of Common Sense One Has, Not By How Much Educated Or Knowledgeable He Is.

Advice Can Be Like Cod Liver Oil, Easy Enough To Administer But Not So Pleasant To Take For Anybody.

A Dog Is The Only Thing On Earth That Loves You More Than You Love Yourself.

Life Is Short, But It's Long Enough To Ruin Any Man Who Wants To Be Ruined.

If Men Were Stubborn Just In Proportion As They Were Right, Stubbornness Would Take Her Seat Among The Virtues; But Men Are Generally Stubborn Just In Proportion As They Are Ignorant And Wrong.

Method Is The Arithmetic Of Success.

There's One Good Thing About Tight Shoes; They Make You Forget Your Other Troubles.

I Have Lived In This World Just Long Enough To Look Carefully The Second Time Into Things That I Am Most Certain Of The First Time.

It Ain't Often That A Man's Reputation Outlasts His Money.

Consider The Postage Stamp: Its Usefulness Consists In The Ability To Stick To One Thing Till It Gets There.

One Of The Rarest Things That A Man Ever Does, Is To Do The Best He Can.

The Man Whose Only Pleasure In Life Is Making Money, Weighs Less On The Moral Scale Than An Angleworm.

Half Of The Troubles Of This Life Can Be Traced To Saying Yes Too Quickly And Not Saying No Soon Enough.

It Is Better To Know Nothing Than To Know What Ain't So.

Honesty Is The Rarest Wealth Anyone Can Possess, And Yet All The Honesty In The World Ain't Lawful Tender For A Loaf Of Bread.

Pity Cost Nothing And Ain't Worth Nothing.

A Witty Writer Is Like A Porcupine; His Quill Makes No Distinction Between Friend And Foe.

Experience Makes More Timid Men Than It Does Wise Ones.

If You Would Make Yourself Agreeable Wherever You Go, Listen To The Grievances Of Others But Never Relate Your Own.

Seneca Devoted Much Of His Time To Writing Essays In Praise Of Poverty, And In Lending Money At Usurious Rates.

Plenty Of Folks Are So Contrary That If They Should Fall Into The River, They Would Insist Upon Floating Upstream.

Self-made Men Are Most Always Apt To Be A Little Too Proud Of The Job.

Most Men Would Rather Be Charged With Malice Than With Making A Blunder.

It Is Easy To Assume A Habit; But When You Try To Cast It Off, It Will Take Skin And All.

Thrice Is He Armed That Hath His Quarrel Just, But Four Times He Who Gets His Blow In Fust

There Are Two Kinds Of Fools: Those Who Can't Change Their Opinions And Those Who Won't.

If You Ever Find Happiness By Hunting For It, You Will Find It, As The Old Woman Did Her Lost Spectacles, Safe On Her Own Nose All The Time.

There Are People Who Are Always Anticipating Trouble, And In This Way They Manage To Enjoy Many Sorrows That Never Really Happen To Them.

Jealousy Is One Of Love's Parasites.

A Man Running For Office Puts Me In Mind Of A Dog That's Lost-he Smells Everybody He Meets, And Wags Himself All Over.

Remember The Poor, It Costs Nothing.

Beauty Is A Very Handy Thing To Have, Especially For A Woman Who Ain't Handsome.

As Long As We Are Lucky We Attribute It To Our Smartness; Our Bad Luck We Give The Gods Credit For.

If A Man Should Happen To Reach Perfection In This World, He Would Have To Die Immediately To Enjoy Himself.

Waves Are Inspiring Not Because They Rise And Fail, But Because Each Time They Fall. They Never Fail To Rise Again.

It Iz Comparitively Eazy Tew Repent Ov The Sins That We Hav Committed, But Tew Repent Ov Thoze Which We Intend To Commit, Is Asking Tew Mutch Ov Enny Man, Now Days.

Prejudice Assumes The Garb Of Reason, But The Cheat Is Too Thin.

It's Not So Hard To Get Rich As It Is To Know When You Have Gotten Rich.

Words Are Often Seen Hunting For An Idea, But Ideas Are Never Seen Hunting For Words.

Friendship Is Like Earthenware, Once Broken, It Can Be Mended; Love Is Like A Mirror, Once Broken That Ends It.

Prejudice Is A House-plant Which Is Very Apt To Wilt If You Take It Out-of-doors Among Folks.

The Thinner The Ice, The More Anxious Is Everyone To See Whether It Will Bear.

Music Wasn't Made To Make Us Wise, But Better Natured.

There's A Lot Of People In This World Who Spend So Much Time Watching Their Health That They Haven't The Time To Enjoy It.

There Are Only Two Qualities In The World: Efficiency And Inefficiency; And Only Two Sorts Of People: The Efficient And The Inefficient.

There Is A Significant Latin Proverb; To Wit: Who Will Guard The Guards?

In The Whole History Of The World There Is But One Thing That Money Cannot Buy...to Wit--the Wag Of A Dog's Tail.

There Never Yet Was A Mother Who Taught Her Child To Be An Infidel.

Early Genius, Like Early Cabbage, Does Not Head Well.

Love Is Like The Measles; We Can't Have It Bad But Once, And The Later In Life We Have It The Tougher It Goes With Us.

Newfoundland Dogs Are Good To Save Children From Drowning, But You Must Have A Pond Of Water Handy And A Child, Or Else There Will Be No Profit In Boarding A Newfoundland.

I Would Much Rather Always Look Forward To The Time When I Am Going To Ride In A Carriage, Than To Look Back On The Time When I Used To.

There's A Great Power In Words, If You Don't Hitch Too Many Of Them Together.

Vanity Is A Strange Passion; Rather Than Be Out Of A Job It Will Brag Of Its Vices.

The Miser And The Glutton Are Two Facetious Buzzards: One Hides His Store, And The Other Stores His Hide.

Be Like A Postage Stamp. Stick To One Thing Until You Get There.

Take The Selfishness Out Of This World And There Would Be More Happiness Than We Should Know What To Do With.

There Is No Limit To The Vanity Of This World. Each Spoke In The Wheel Thinks The Whole Strength Of The Wheel Depends Upon It.

There Are Two Things In Life For Which We Are Never Truly Prepared: Twins.

Genius Ain't Anything More Than Elegant Common Sense.

About The Only Difference Between The Poor And The Rich, Is This, The Poor Suffer Misery, While The Rich Have To Enjoy It.

I Don't Care How Much A Man Talks, If He Only Says It In A Few Words.

I Am A Poor Man, But I Have This Consolation: I Am Poor By Accident, Not By Design.

Nature Makes All The Noblemen; Wealth, Education, Or Pedigree Never Made One Yet.

The Fools In This World Make About As Much Trouble As The Wicked Do.

I Have Never Known A Person To Live To Be One Hundred And Be Remarkable For Anything Else.

The Best Creed We Can Have Is Charity Toward The Creeds Of Others.

The Great Art Of Writing Is Knowing When To Stop.

Fun Is A Sugar-coated Physic.

If Animals Had Reason, They Would Act Just As Ridiculous As We Menfolks Do.

Ill-nature Is A Sort Of Running Sore Of The Disposition.

The Happiest Time In Any Man's Life Is When He Is In Red-hot Pursuit Of A Dollar With A Reasonable Prospect Of Overtaking It.

Truth Is The Edict Of God.

Occasions Are Rare; And Those, Who Know How To Seize Upon Them, Are Rarer.

Rare Opportunities

Wisdom That Don't Make Us Happier Ain't Worth Plowing For.

Man Is My Brother, And I Am Nearer Related To Him Through His Vices Than I Am Through His Virtue.

As A General Thing, When A Woman Wears The Pants In A Family, She Has A Good Right To Them.

Most People When They Come To You For Advice, Come To Have Their Own Opinions Strengthened, Not Corrected.

Take All The Fools Out Of This World And There Wouldn't Be Any Fun Living In It, Or Profit.

Fuss Is Half-sister To Hurry, And Neither Of Them Can Do Anything Without Getting In Their Own Way.

Pride Seems Tew Be Quite Equally Distributed; The Man Who Owns The Carriage And The Man Who Drives It Seem Tew Have It Just Alike.

What The World Wants Iz [sic] Good Examples, Not So Mutch Advice; Advice May Be Wrong, But Examples Prove Themselves.

Young Widows Still Bide Their Time.

Everybody In This World Wants Watching, But Nobody More Than Ourselves.

Common Sense Is Instinct, And Enough Of It Is Genius.

Better Make A Weak Man Your Enemy Than Your Friend.

Man Was Created A Little Lower Than The Angels And Has Been Getting A Little Lower Ever Since.

Rumor Is A Vagrant Without A Home, And Lives Upon What It Can Pick Up.

Advice Is Like Castor Oil — Easy Enough To Give But Dreadful Hard To Take.

A Puppy Plays With Every Pup He Meets, But An Old Dog Has Few Associates.

Be Kind To Your Mother-in-law, But Pay For Her Board At Some Good Hotel.

The Greatest Thief This World Has Ever Produced Is Procrastination, And He Is Still At Large.

The Highest Philosophers, In Explaining The Mystery Of This World, Are Obliged To Call In The Aid Of Another.

A Secret Ceases To Be A Secret If It Is Once Confided - It Is Like A Dollar Bill, Once Broken, It Is Never A Dollar Again.

The Best Condition In Life Is To Be Not So Rich As To Be Envied Nor So Poor As To Be Damned.

Confess Your Sins To The Lord And You Will Be Forgiven; Confess Them To Man And You Will Be Laughed At.

Successful Writers Learn At Last What They Should Learn At First,--to Be Intelligently Simple.

There Are People So Addicted To Exaggeration That They Actually Can't Tell The Truth Without Lying.

Exaggeration Is

I Do Not Know Of A Better Cure For Sorrow Than To Pity Somebody Else.

Common Sense Is The Knack Of Seeing Things As They Are, And Doing Things As They Ought To Be Done.

Love Looks Through A Telescope; Envy, Through A Microscope.

There's Tons Of People That Spend A Lot Time Watching Their Well Being, They Have Not Acquired Time To Take Pleasure In It.

Society Is Composed Of Slow Christians And Wide-awake Sinners.

Pedantry Is Paraded Knowledge.

We Have Some Writers So Abstruse And Deep That They Drown Themselves In Their Fathomless Sentences.

If The World Despises A Hypocrite, What Must They Think Of Him In Heaven?

Where Religion Is A Trade, Morality Is A Merchandise.

Politeness Is Better Than Logic. You Can Often Persuade When You Cannot Convince.

As A General Thing, An Individual Who Is Neat In His Person Is Neat In His Morals.

Laughter Is The Sensation Of Feeling Good All Over And Showing It Principally In One Place.

Wisdom Has Never Made A Bigot, But Learning Has.

It Is Not Much Trouble To Doctor Sick Folks, But To Doctor Healthy Ones Is Troublesome.

Health Is Like Money, We Never Have A True Idea Of Its Value Until We Lose It.

As The Flint Contains The Spark, Unknown To Itself, Which The Steel Alone Can Awaken To Life, So Adversity Often Reveals To Us Hidden Gems, Which Prosperity Or Negligence Would Forever Have Hidden.

It Strains A Man's Philosophy The Worst Kind To Laugh When He Gets Beat.

Men Who Have Much To Say Use The Fewest Words.

The Trouble With Most Folks Isn't Their Ignorance. It's Knowin' So Many Things That Ain't So.

Don't Have Any More Secrets Than You Can Keep Yourself.

Money Will Buy A Pretty Good Dog, But It Won't Buy The Wag Of His Tail.

Wise Men Have But Few Confidants, And Cunning Ones None.

Learning Sleeps And Snores In Libraries, But Wisdom Is Everywhere, Wide Awake, On Tiptoe.

Fools Carry Their Daggers In Their Open Mouths.

Take The Humbug Out Of This World, And You Haven't Much Left To Do Business With.

Men Are Seldom Underrated; The Mercury In A Man Finds Its True Level In The Eyes Of The World Just As Certainly As It Does In The Glass Of A Thermometer.

The Devil Is The Father Of Lies, But He Neglected To Patent The Idea, And The Business Now Suffers From Competition.

When You Do Laugh, Open Your Mouth Wide Enough For The Noise To Get Out Without Squealing, Throw Your Head Back As Though You Were Going To Be Shaved, Hold On To Your False Hair With Both Hands And Then Laugh Till Your Soul Gets Thoroughly Rested.

I Never Knew A Man Troubled With Melancholy, Who Had Plenty To Do, And Did It.

Never Work Before Breakfast; If You Have To Work Before Breakfast, Eat Your Breakfast First.

Caution, Though Very Often Wasted Is A Good Risk To Take.

It Is A Great Art To Be Superior To Others Without Letting Them Know It.

Satire That Is Seasonable And Just Is Often More Effectual Than Law Or Gospel.

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