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You Know You're Getting Old When You Stoop To Tie Your Shoelaces And Wonder What Else You Could Do While You're Down There.

-George Burns

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You Know You're Getting

George Burns

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You Know You're Getting Old When You Stoop To Tie Your Shoelaces And Wonder What Else You Could Do While You're Down There.

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With The Collapse Of Vaudeville New Talent Has No Place To Stink.

In Those Days The Best Painkiller Was Ice; It Wasn't Addictive And It Was Particularly Effective If You Poured Some Whiskey Over It.

I Get A Standing Ovation Just Standing

Well, Anybody Can Be A Straight Man If He Hears Well. You Just Have To Wait For Laughs. A Straight Man Just Repeats The Questions And The Comedian Gets The Laughs And You Just Wait For Them And Don't Let Them Die Completely At The Tail End Of The Laugh.

If It's A Good Script I'll Do It. And If It's A Bad Script, And They Pay Me Enough, I'll Do It.

Dress Simply. If You Wear A Dinner Jacket, Don't Wear Anything Else On It ... Like Lunch Or Dinner.

Sex Can Be Fun After Eighty, After Ninety, And After Lunch!

It's One Of The Old Show Business Axioms. No Matter How Successful You've Been, There's Always A Younger And Sexier Seal Coming Along.

Happiness? A Good Cigar, A Good Meal, A Good Cigar And A Good Woman - Or A Bad Woman; It Depends On How Much Happiness You Can Handle.

Should I Be The One To Play God? We're Both About The Same Age, But We Grew Up In Different Neighborhoods.

You Can't Help Getting Older, But You Don't Have To Get Old.

Retirement At Sixty-five Is Ridiculous. When I Was Sixty-five I Still Had Pimples.

Life's But A Day At Most.

If I Paid Ten Dollars For A Cigar, First I'd Make Love To It, Then I'd Smoke It.

When I Wasn't Working, I Put The Blame Directly Where It Belonged - I Blamed My Agent. When I Didn't Have An Agent, I Spent Time Looking For A New Agent So I Would Have Somebody To Blame.

At My Age Flowers Scare Me.

Much Later In Life, Though, Gracie Made A Major Contribution To The Opera World. She Stayed Out Of It.

How Can I Die? I'm Booked.

If I Had Taken My Doctor's Advice And Quit Smoking When He Advised Me To, I Wouldn't Have Lived To Go To His Funeral.

If You Ask What Is The Single Most Important Key To Longevity, I Would Have To Say It Is Avoiding Worry, Stress And Tension. And If You Didn't Ask Me, I'd Still Have To Say It.

I Can't Afford To Die; I'd Lose Too Much Money.

If You Were Married To Marilyn Monroe, You'd Cheat With Some Ugly Girl.

There Are Many Ways To Die In Bed, But The Best Way Is Not Alone.

Being An Actor Is Easy, Just Picture Someone In A Room And You Outside Waiting For Your Cue To Go In. Elliot Gould's Been Trying That For Forty Years.

When I Was In Vegas Women Were Throwing Their Hotel Keys At Me. But It Was After They Checked Out.

Happiness Is Having A Large, Loving, Caring, Close-knit Family In Another City.

Sex After 90 Is Like Trying To Shoot Pool With A Rope. Even Putting My Cigar In Its Holder Is A Thrill.

There Will Always Be A Battle Between The Sexes Because Men And Women Want Different Things. Men Want Women And Women Want Men.

Since I've Made It To 87 So Far, Obviously My Two Kids And My Seven Grandchildren Haven't Been Too Hard On Me. On The Other Hand, The Fact That I Have An Unlisted Phone Number And Move A Lot Might Have Something To Do With It.

Critics Are Eunuchs At A Gang Bang.

My Best Advice: Fall In Love With What You Do For A Living.

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When I Was A Boy The Dead Sea Was Only Sick.

People Are Always Asking Me How Much I'm Worth. Well, All I Can Say Is, I've Got Enough Money To Last Me The Rest Of My Life. As Long As I Die In The Next 20 Minutes.

It's No Surprise That Things Are So Screwed Up: Everyone That Knows How To Run A Government Is Either Driving Taxicabs Or Cutting Hair.

Be Quick To Learn And Wise To Know.

I'm At The Age Now Where Just Putting My Cigar In Its Holder Is A Thrill.

Old Age Is When You Resent The Swimsuit Issue Of Sports Illustrated Because There Are Fewer Articles To Read.

I Use The Cigar For Timing Purposes. If I Tell A Joke, I Smoke As Long As They Laugh And When They Stop Laughing I Take The Cigar Out Of My Mouth And Start My Next Joke.

At Home We Ate Fish Every Friday, As Catholics Were Then Supposed To Do. Being Jewish, I Compromised. I Wore A Hat When I Ate Fish, Out Of Respect For My Own Religion And The Fish's Family.

There's Nothing Wrong With Making Love With The Light On. Just Make Sure The Car Door Is Closed.

Too Bad That All The People Who Know How To Run The Country Are Busy Driving Taxicabs And Cutting Hair.

When You Stop Giving And Offering Something To The Rest Of The World, It's Time To Turn Out The Lights.

I Honestly Think It Is Better To Be A Failure At Something You Love Than To Be A Success At Something You Hate.

I Love To Sing, And I Love To Drink Scotch. Most People Would Rather Hear Me Drink Scotch.

In Show Business The Key Word Is Honesty. Once You've Learned To Fake That, The Rest Is Easy.

Acting Is All About Honesty. If You Can Fake That, You've Got It Made.

It's Good To Be Here. At 98, It's Good To Be Anywhere.

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I Smoke Cigars Because At My Age If I Don't Have Something To Hang On To I Might Fall Down.

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Be Sure To Wear A Good Cologne, A Nice Aftershave Lotion, And A Strong Underarm Deodorant. And It Might Be A Good Idea To Wear Some Clothes, Too.

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I'm Very Pleased To Be Here. Let's Face It, At My Age I'm Very Pleased To Be Anywhere.

When Jack Benny Has A Party, You Not Only Bring Your Own Scotch, You Bring Your Own Rocks.

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If I Paid $3 Or $4 For A Cigar, First I'd Sleep With It.

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I Spent A Year In That Town, One Sunday.

I Would Go Out With Women My Age, But There Are No Women My Age.

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This Is All So Exciting I've Decided To Keep Making One Movie Every 36 Years.

I Find You Have To Take Each Day As It Comes And Be Thankful For Who's Left And Whatever You Can Still Do.

I Don't Worry About Getting Old. I'm Old Already. Only Young People Worry About Getting Old.

Let Me Get One Thing Straight; I'm Not An Authority On Sex, I'm More Of A Fan. I Think Sex Is Nice; No Family Should Be Without It. Of Course, There Are Other Things That Are Just As Important As Sex, Like Uh . . . Like Uh . . . Like . . . Uh . . . Well, I'll Think Of It Later.

Don't Stay In Bed, Unless You Can Make Money In Bed.

I Look Better, Feel Better, Make Love Better And I'll Tell You Something Else....i Never Lied Better.

Take Care Not To Wear Stripes That Are Out Of Sync With Your Wrinkles.

I've Been A Straight Man For So Many Years That From Force Of Habit I Repeat Everything. I Went Out Fishing With A Fellow The Other Day And He Fell Overboard. He Yelled, Help! Help! Help! So I Said, Help? Help? Help? And While I Was Waiting For Him To Get His Laugh, He Drowned.

I Smoke Ten To Fifteen Cigars A Day. At My Age I Have To Hold On To Something.

My Major Contribution To The Format Was To Suggest That I Be Able To Step Out Of The Plot And Speak Directly To The Audience, And Then Be Able To Go Right Back Into The Action. That Was An Original Idea Of Mine; I Know It Was Because I Originally Stole It From Thornton Wilder's Play Our Town.

I Would Read Playboy More Often, But My Glasses Keep Steaming Up.

Sex Has Been Around For A Long Time. You May Not Believe This, But It Was Around Before I Was.

Happiness Is A Dry Martini And A Good Woman ... Or A Bad Woman.

I Can't Understand Why I Flunked American History. When I Was A Kid There Was So Little Of It.

And God Said 'let There Be Satan, So People Don't Blame Everything On Me. And Let There Be Lawyers, So People Don't Blame Everything On Satan.'

I Don't Care What You Do For A Living. If You Love It, You Are A Success.

If You Stay In The Business Long Enough And Get To Be Old Enough, You Get To Be New Again.

I Don't Believe In Dying. It's Been Done. I'm Working On A New Exit. Besides, I Can't Die Now - I'm Booked.

It's Better To Be Happy Doing Something You Love, Even If You Don't Find Success Right Away.

Something You Love

Say Goodnight Gracie.

Saying Goodnight

It Takes Only One Drink To Get Me Drunk. The Trouble Is, I Can't Remember If It's The Thirteenth Or The Fourteenth.

I'm Onstage For An Hour.i Do An Hour Of Stand-up. Actually, I Do 10 Minutes Standing Up And 50 Minutes Sitting In A Chair. Oh, Occasionally, I Stand Up Again To Do A Dance Or Put Over A Song. But Mostly I Sit Down. A Great Invention, Sitting Down.

Great Inventions

Nice To Be Here? At My Age It's Nice To Be Anywhere.

When They Saw Me Walking Down The Street Smoking A Cigar, They'd Say, 'hey, That 14-year-old Kid May Be Going Places.' Of Course It's Also A Good Prop On The Stage ... When You Can't Think Of What You're Supposed To Say Next, You Can Puff On Your Cigar Until You Think Of Your Next Line.

Yale Men Do Not Like To Be Told Anything By People Who Didn't Go To Yale. The Closest I Came To Yale Was Once I Had One Of Their Padlocks.

When Asked In His Late 90s If His Doctor Knew He Still Smoked, Burns Said, 'no ... He's Dead.'

In What Other Business Can A Guy My Age Drink Martinis, Smoke Cigars And Sing? I Think All People Who Retire Ought To Go Into Show Business. I've Been Retired All My Life.

If You Live To Be One Hundred, You've Got It Made. Very Few People Die Past That Age.

Retire? I'm Going To Stay In Show Business Until I'm The Only One Left

As Long As You're Working, You Stay Young.

A Young Mind In A Healthy Body Is A Wonderful Thing. Especially For An Old Man With An Open Night.

Everything That Goes Up Must Come Down. But There Comes A Time When Not Everything That's Down Can Come Up.

I Never Go Jogging, It Makes Me Spill My Martini.

I Was Brought Up To Respect My Elders, So Now I Don't Have To Respect Anybody.

This Is The Sixth Book I've Written, Which Isn't Bad For A Guy Who's Only Read Two.

I Like Women To Be Attracted To Me. See, When You Get 60 Years Old, And They Know You're 60, The Only Women You Can Get Are 55-year-old Women, And I Like Younger Women.

Tennis Is A Young Man's Game. Until You're 25, You Can Play Singles. From 25 To 35, You Should Play Doubles. I Won't Tell You Exactly How Old I Am, But When I Played, There Were 28 Men On The Court - Just On My Side Of The Net.

Age To Me Means Nothing. I Can't Get Old; I'm Working. I Was Old When I Was Twenty-one And Out Of Work. As Long As You're Working, You Stay Young. When I'm In Front Of An Audience, All That Love And Vitality Sweeps Over Me And I Forget My Age.

First You Forget Names, Then You Forget Faces. Next You Forget To Pull Your Zipper Up And Finally, You Forget To Pull It Down.

Young. Old. Just Words.

I'd Say That About 82 Percent Of What I Write Is Bad, But Don't Go By Me; I'm As Bad A Judge As I Am A Writer. Look, If It Were All Good, You'd Be Paying Twice As Much For This Book.

Just Because You're Old That Doesn't Mean You're More Forgetful. The Same People Whose Names I Can't Remember Now I Couldn't Remember Fifty Years Ago. . .

A Married Couple That Plays Cards Together Is Just A Fight That Hasn't Started Yet.

Everyday Happiness Means Getting Up In The Morning, And You Can't Wait To Finish Your Breakfast. You Can't Wait To Do Your Exercises. You Can't Wait To Put On Your Clothes. You Can't Wait To Get Out. And You Can't Wait To Come Home, Because The Soup Is Hot.

I Should Have Been A Country-western Singer. After All, I'm Older Than Most Western Countries.

From Paris We Took The Orient Express To Vienna. I Must Say I Was Terribly Disappointed; Nobody Was Murdered On The Train.

When I'm In Front Of An Audience, All That Love And Vitality Sweeps Over Me And I Forget My Age.

You Know You're Getting Old When You Stoop To Tie Your Shoelaces And Wonder What Else You Could Do While You're Down There.

I Was Always Taught To Respect My Elders And I've Now Reached The Age When I Don't Have Anybody To Respect.

When I Die I Intend To Take My Music With Me. I Don't Know What's Out There, But I Want To Make Sure It's In My Key.

She Didn't Need To Go To Acting School To Learn That The Essence Of Acting Is To Act Like You're Not Acting.

I Don't Have A Drinking Problem. I Drink. I Get Drunk. I Fall Down, No Problem.

I'd Rather Be Over The Hill Than Under It.

Young. Old. Just Words. Inside We Feel Like Our Shoe Size.

Lots Of People Have Asked Me What Gracie And I Did To Make Our Marriage Work. It's Simple - We Don't Do Anything. I Think The Trouble With A Lot Of People Is That They Work Too Hard At Staying Married. They Make A Business Out Of It. When You Work Too Hard At A Business You Get Tired; And When You Get Tired You Get Grouchy; And When You Get Grouchy You Start Fighting; And When You Start Fighting You're Out Of Business.

I Must Be Getting Absent-minded. Whenever I Complain That Things Aren't What They Used To Be, I Always Forget To Include Myself.

What Actresses Do Today When They Appear On The Screen Is What They Did Once Upon A Time For Getting To Appear On The Screen.

Once Upon A Time

When We Played The Back End Of A Horse We Always Knew That If We Worked Hard And Did A Good Job We Could Become The Front End.

Define Your Business Goals Clearly So That Others Can See Them As You Do.

Love Is A Lot Like A Backache. It Doesn't Show Up On X-rays, But You Know It's There.

People Ask Me What I'd Most Appreciate Getting For My Eighty-seventh Birthday. I Tell Them, A Paternity Suit.

There's An Old Saying, 'life Begins At Forty.' That's Silly. Life Begins Every Morning You Wake Up.

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