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None Of Us Kids Had A Middle Name. We Were Lucky We Had Any Name At All. By The Time My Mother Got Around To Naming One, There Was Another On The Way.

-George Burns

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None Of Us Kids

George Burns

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None Of Us Kids Had A Middle Name. We Were Lucky We Had Any Name At All. By The Time My Mother Got Around To Naming One, There Was Another On The Way.

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If I Had Taken My Doctor's Advice And Quit Smoking When He Advised Me To, I Wouldn't Have Lived To Go To His Funeral.

This Is All So Exciting I've Decided To Keep Making One Movie Every 36 Years.

When I Was Young I Was Called A Rugged Individualist. When I Was In My Fifties I Was Considered Eccentric. Here I Am Doing And Saying The Same Things I Did Then And I'm Labeled Senile.

I Look To The Future Because That's Where I'm Going To Spend The Rest Of My Life.

It's Better To Be Happy Doing Something You Love, Even If You Don't Find Success Right Away.

Something You Love

People Ask Me What I'd Most Appreciate Getting For My Eighty-seventh Birthday. I Tell Them, A Paternity Suit.

I'd Say That About 82 Percent Of What I Write Is Bad, But Don't Go By Me; I'm As Bad A Judge As I Am A Writer. Look, If It Were All Good, You'd Be Paying Twice As Much For This Book.

Should I Be The One To Play God? We're Both About The Same Age, But We Grew Up In Different Neighborhoods.

I Was Brought Up To Respect My Elders, So Now I Don't Have To Respect Anybody.

The Heart Is A Temple Wherein All Truth Resides.

If You Stay In The Business Long Enough And Get To Be Old Enough, You Get To Be New Again.

I Would Read Playboy More Often, But My Glasses Keep Steaming Up.

Nice To Be Here? At My Age It's Nice To Be Anywhere.

It's Good To Be Here. At 98, It's Good To Be Anywhere.

Happiness? A Good Cigar, A Good Meal, A Good Cigar And A Good Woman - Or A Bad Woman; It Depends On How Much Happiness You Can Handle.

There's Nothing Wrong With Making Love With The Light On. Just Make Sure The Car Door Is Closed.

If I Paid $3 Or $4 For A Cigar, First I'd Sleep With It.

This Is The Sixth Book I've Written, Which Isn't Bad For A Guy Who's Only Read Two.

I Never Go Jogging, It Makes Me Spill My Martini.

I Don't Worry About Getting Old. I'm Old Already. Only Young People Worry About Getting Old.

It Takes Only One Drink To Get Me Drunk. The Trouble Is, I Can't Remember If It's The Thirteenth Or The Fourteenth.

When I Die I Intend To Take My Music With Me. I Don't Know What's Out There, But I Want To Make Sure It's In My Key.

Since I've Made It To 87 So Far, Obviously My Two Kids And My Seven Grandchildren Haven't Been Too Hard On Me. On The Other Hand, The Fact That I Have An Unlisted Phone Number And Move A Lot Might Have Something To Do With It.

You Can't Help Getting Older, But You Don't Have To Get Old.

Don't Stay In Bed, Unless You Can Make Money In Bed.

Just Because You're Old That Doesn't Mean You're More Forgetful. The Same People Whose Names I Can't Remember Now I Couldn't Remember Fifty Years Ago. . .

Being An Actor Is Easy, Just Picture Someone In A Room And You Outside Waiting For Your Cue To Go In. Elliot Gould's Been Trying That For Forty Years.

I Honestly Think It Is Better To Be A Failure At Something You Love Than To Be A Success At Something You Hate.

Everyday Happiness Means Getting Up In The Morning, And You Can't Wait To Finish Your Breakfast. You Can't Wait To Do Your Exercises. You Can't Wait To Put On Your Clothes. You Can't Wait To Get Out. And You Can't Wait To Come Home, Because The Soup Is Hot.

A Young Mind In A Healthy Body Is A Wonderful Thing. Especially For An Old Man With An Open Night.

Money Is The Root Of All Evil.' Then We Hear, 'a Fool And His Money Are Soon Parted.' What Are They Talking About? If Money Is So Evil, Shouldn't It Be, 'a Wise Man And His Money Are Soon Parted'? And Another Thing, How Does A Fool Get Money In The First Place? I Know Some Fools Who Have A Lot Of Money, But They Won't Tell Me How They Got It, And I Won't Tell Them.

I've Been A Straight Man For So Many Years That From Force Of Habit I Repeat Everything. I Went Out Fishing With A Fellow The Other Day And He Fell Overboard. He Yelled, Help! Help! Help! So I Said, Help? Help? Help? And While I Was Waiting For Him To Get His Laugh, He Drowned.

I'm Onstage For An Hour.i Do An Hour Of Stand-up. Actually, I Do 10 Minutes Standing Up And 50 Minutes Sitting In A Chair. Oh, Occasionally, I Stand Up Again To Do A Dance Or Put Over A Song. But Mostly I Sit Down. A Great Invention, Sitting Down.

Great Inventions

First You Forget Names, Then You Forget Faces. Next You Forget To Pull Your Zipper Up And Finally, You Forget To Pull It Down.

I Love To Sing, And I Love To Drink Scotch. Most People Would Rather Hear Me Drink Scotch.

I Don't Have A Drinking Problem. I Drink. I Get Drunk. I Fall Down, No Problem.

None Of Us Kids Had A Middle Name. We Were Lucky We Had Any Name At All. By The Time My Mother Got Around To Naming One, There Was Another On The Way.

Too Bad That All The People Who Know How To Run The Country Are Busy Driving Taxicabs And Cutting Hair.

When I Wasn't Working, I Put The Blame Directly Where It Belonged - I Blamed My Agent. When I Didn't Have An Agent, I Spent Time Looking For A New Agent So I Would Have Somebody To Blame.

In What Other Business Can A Guy My Age Drink Martinis, Smoke Cigars And Sing? I Think All People Who Retire Ought To Go Into Show Business. I've Been Retired All My Life.

I Get Up Every Morning And Read The Obituary Column. If My Name's Not There, I Eat Breakfast.

Take Care Not To Wear Stripes That Are Out Of Sync With Your Wrinkles.

I Like Women To Be Attracted To Me. See, When You Get 60 Years Old, And They Know You're 60, The Only Women You Can Get Are 55-year-old Women, And I Like Younger Women.

Sex After 90 Is Like Trying To Shoot Pool With A Rope. Even Putting My Cigar In Its Holder Is A Thrill.

There Will Always Be A Battle Between The Sexes Because Men And Women Want Different Things. Men Want Women And Women Want Men.

When You Stop Giving And Offering Something To The Rest Of The World, It's Time To Turn Out The Lights.

If You Live To Be One Hundred, You've Got It Made. Very Few People Die Past That Age.

Be Sure To Wear A Good Cologne, A Nice Aftershave Lotion, And A Strong Underarm Deodorant. And It Might Be A Good Idea To Wear Some Clothes, Too.

I Should Have Been A Country-western Singer. After All, I'm Older Than Most Western Countries.

Joy Is Obtaining A Big, Loving, Caring Shut-knit Household In Yet Another Town.

Acting Is All About Honesty. If You Can Fake That, You've Got It Made.

Bridge Is A Game That Separates The Men From The Boys. It Also Separates Husbands And Wives.

People Are Always Asking Me How Much I'm Worth. Well, All I Can Say Is, I've Got Enough Money To Last Me The Rest Of My Life. As Long As I Die In The Next 20 Minutes.

Sex Is The Universal Language In Which Nobody Speaks; They Don't Have To.

I Look Better, Feel Better, Make Love Better And I'll Tell You Something Else....i Never Lied Better.

There Are Two Kinds Of Cruises - Pleasure And With Children.

Yale Men Do Not Like To Be Told Anything By People Who Didn't Go To Yale. The Closest I Came To Yale Was Once I Had One Of Their Padlocks.

Old Age Is When You Resent The Swimsuit Issue Of Sports Illustrated Because There Are Fewer Articles To Read.

If I Paid Ten Dollars For A Cigar, First I'd Make Love To It, Then I'd Smoke It.

With The Collapse Of Vaudeville New Talent Has No Place To Stink.

I Thought To Myself, 'why Not Write A Bestseller?' In The First Place, More People Buy Them And More People Read Them. You Make More Money And It Doesn’t Take Any More Time To Write A Bestseller Than It Does To Write A Book Nobody Buys.

People Are Always Asking Me When I'm Going To Retire. Why Should I? I've Got It Two Ways - I'm Still Making Movies, And I'm A Senior Citizen, So I Can See Myself At Half Price.

Happiness Is A Dry Martini And A Good Woman ... Or A Bad Woman.

The Happiest People I Know Are The Ones That Are Still Working. The Saddest Are The Ones Who Are Retired. Very Few Performers Retire On Their Own. It's Usually Because No One Wants Them. Six Years Ago Sinatra Announced His Retirement. He's Still Working.

From Paris We Took The Orient Express To Vienna. I Must Say I Was Terribly Disappointed; Nobody Was Murdered On The Train.

If You Ask What Is The Single Most Important Key To Longevity, I Would Have To Say It Is Avoiding Worry, Stress And Tension. And If You Didn't Ask Me, I'd Still Have To Say It.

Critics Are Eunuchs At A Gang Bang.

She Didn't Need To Go To Acting School To Learn That The Essence Of Acting Is To Act Like You're Not Acting.

In Show Business The Key Word Is Honesty. Once You've Learned To Fake That, The Rest Is Easy.

Say Goodnight Gracie.

Saying Goodnight

I'm Very Pleased To Be Here. Let's Face It, At My Age I'm Very Pleased To Be Anywhere.

Much Later In Life, Though, Gracie Made A Major Contribution To The Opera World. She Stayed Out Of It.

If It's A Good Script I'll Do It. And If It's A Bad Script, And They Pay Me Enough, I'll Do It.

Age To Me Means Nothing. I Can't Get Old; I'm Working. I Was Old When I Was Twenty-one And Out Of Work. As Long As You're Working, You Stay Young. When I'm In Front Of An Audience, All That Love And Vitality Sweeps Over Me And I Forget My Age.

My Major Contribution To The Format Was To Suggest That I Be Able To Step Out Of The Plot And Speak Directly To The Audience, And Then Be Able To Go Right Back Into The Action. That Was An Original Idea Of Mine; I Know It Was Because I Originally Stole It From Thornton Wilder's Play Our Town.

By [age] 93, I Had Shrunk Quite A Lot. My Car Was Known As The Phantom Cadillac. People Would See It Whizzing By And They Would Swear There Was No Driver.

I Get A Standing Ovation Just Standing

When I Was In Vegas Women Were Throwing Their Hotel Keys At Me. But It Was After They Checked Out.

I Can't Understand Why I Flunked American History. When I Was A Kid There Was So Little Of It.

You Know You're Getting Old When You Stoop To Tie Your Shoelaces And Wonder What Else You Could Do While You're Down There.

I Smoke Ten To Fifteen Cigars A Day. At My Age I Have To Hold On To Something.

Love Is A Lot Like A Backache. It Doesn't Show Up On X-rays, But You Know It's There.

Sex Can Be Fun After Eighty, After Ninety, And After Lunch!

Everything That Goes Up Must Come Down. But There Comes A Time When Not Everything That's Down Can Come Up.

Happiness Is Having A Large, Loving, Caring, Close-knit Family In Another City.

At My Age Flowers Scare Me.

I Smoke Cigars Because At My Age If I Don't Have Something To Hang On To I Might Fall Down.

It's One Of The Old Show Business Axioms. No Matter How Successful You've Been, There's Always A Younger And Sexier Seal Coming Along.

I Find You Have To Take Each Day As It Comes And Be Thankful For Who's Left And Whatever You Can Still Do.

I'd Rather Be A Flop At Show Business Than To Be A Success At Something I Didn't Like.

I Don't Care What You Do For A Living. If You Love It, You Are A Success.

If You Were Married To Marilyn Monroe, You'd Cheat With Some Ugly Girl.

Young. Old. Just Words.

Lots Of People Have Asked Me What Gracie And I Did To Make Our Marriage Work. It's Simple - We Don't Do Anything. I Think The Trouble With A Lot Of People Is That They Work Too Hard At Staying Married. They Make A Business Out Of It. When You Work Too Hard At A Business You Get Tired; And When You Get Tired You Get Grouchy; And When You Get Grouchy You Start Fighting; And When You Start Fighting You're Out Of Business.

How Can I Die? I'm Booked.

What Actresses Do Today When They Appear On The Screen Is What They Did Once Upon A Time For Getting To Appear On The Screen.

Once Upon A Time

I Don't Worry About Getting Old. I'm Old Already. Only Young People Worry About Getting Old. When I Was 65, I Had Cupid's Eczema. I Don't Believe In Dying. It's Been Done. I'm Working On A New Exit. Besides, I Can't Die Now - I'm Booked.

Everyday Happiness Means You Can't Wait To Come Home, Because The Soup Is Hot.

Sex Has Been Around For A Long Time. You May Not Believe This, But It Was Around Before I Was.

Define Your Business Goals Clearly So That Others Can See Them As You Do.

The Secret Of A Good Sermon Is To Have A Good Beginning And A Good Ending, Then Having The Two As Close Together As Possible.

I Did Go To School - My Kind Of School. When I Was A Kid I Went Out ... And You Meet People. You Talk To Them. Anybody Says Something That Makes Sense, It Stays With You, Rubs Off On You. That Kind Of School.

Young. Old. Just Words. Inside We Feel Like Our Shoe Size.

When Jack Benny Has A Party, You Not Only Bring Your Own Scotch, You Bring Your Own Rocks.

I Would Go Out With Women My Age, But There Are No Women My Age.

When We Played The Back End Of A Horse We Always Knew That If We Worked Hard And Did A Good Job We Could Become The Front End.

Someone Who Makes You Laugh Is A Comedian. Someone Who Makes You Think And Then Laugh Is A Humorist.

Tennis Is A Young Man's Game. Until You're 25, You Can Play Singles. From 25 To 35, You Should Play Doubles. I Won't Tell You Exactly How Old I Am, But When I Played, There Were 28 Men On The Court - Just On My Side Of The Net.

How Did I Ever Get Sick? I've Already Had Everything.

I'd Rather Be Over The Hill Than Under It.

When I'm In Front Of An Audience, All That Love And Vitality Sweeps Over Me And I Forget My Age.

Dress Simply. If You Wear A Dinner Jacket, Don't Wear Anything Else On It ... Like Lunch Or Dinner.

Well, Anybody Can Be A Straight Man If He Hears Well. You Just Have To Wait For Laughs. A Straight Man Just Repeats The Questions And The Comedian Gets The Laughs And You Just Wait For Them And Don't Let Them Die Completely At The Tail End Of The Laugh.

I Drink Coffee With My Right Hand, And I Smoke With My Left. But I Talk With Both Hands.

In Those Days The Best Painkiller Was Ice; It Wasn't Addictive And It Was Particularly Effective If You Poured Some Whiskey Over It.

When They Saw Me Walking Down The Street Smoking A Cigar, They'd Say, 'hey, That 14-year-old Kid May Be Going Places.' Of Course It's Also A Good Prop On The Stage ... When You Can't Think Of What You're Supposed To Say Next, You Can Puff On Your Cigar Until You Think Of Your Next Line.

It's No Surprise That Things Are So Screwed Up: Everyone That Knows How To Run A Government Is Either Driving Taxicabs Or Cutting Hair.

Be Quick To Learn And Wise To Know.

There Are Many Ways To Die In Bed, But The Best Way Is Not Alone.

I Must Be Getting Absent-minded. Whenever I Complain That Things Aren't What They Used To Be, I Always Forget To Include Myself.

When Asked In His Late 90s If His Doctor Knew He Still Smoked, Burns Said, 'no ... He's Dead.'

Retirement At Sixty-five Is Ridiculous. When I Was Sixty-five I Still Had Pimples.

Life's But A Day At Most.

A Married Couple That Plays Cards Together Is Just A Fight That Hasn't Started Yet.

Let Me Get One Thing Straight; I'm Not An Authority On Sex, I'm More Of A Fan. I Think Sex Is Nice; No Family Should Be Without It. Of Course, There Are Other Things That Are Just As Important As Sex, Like Uh . . . Like Uh . . . Like . . . Uh . . . Well, I'll Think Of It Later.

Fall In Love With What You're Going To Do For A Living. To Be Able To Get Out Of Bed And Do What You Love To Do For The Rest Of The Day Is Beyond Words. I'd Rather Be A Failure In Something I Love Than Be Successful In Something I Hate.

Falling In Love

As Long As You're Working, You Stay Young.

And God Said 'let There Be Satan, So People Don't Blame Everything On Me. And Let There Be Lawyers, So People Don't Blame Everything On Satan.'

If I Get Big Laughs, I'm A Comedian. If I Get Little Laughs, I'm A Humorist. If I Get No Laughs, I'm A Singer.

I Use The Cigar For Timing Purposes. If I Tell A Joke, I Smoke As Long As They Laugh And When They Stop Laughing I Take The Cigar Out Of My Mouth And Start My Next Joke.

I'm At The Age Now Where Just Putting My Cigar In Its Holder Is A Thrill.

It's Hard For Me To Get Used To These Changing Times. I Can Remember When The Air Was Clean And Sex Was Dirty.

There's An Old Saying, 'life Begins At Forty.' That's Silly. Life Begins Every Morning You Wake Up.

I Was Always Taught To Respect My Elders And I've Now Reached The Age When I Don't Have Anybody To Respect.

I Can't Afford To Die; I'd Lose Too Much Money.

At Home We Ate Fish Every Friday, As Catholics Were Then Supposed To Do. Being Jewish, I Compromised. I Wore A Hat When I Ate Fish, Out Of Respect For My Own Religion And The Fish's Family.

When I Was A Boy The Dead Sea Was Only Sick.

I Spent A Year In That Town, One Sunday.

My Best Advice: Fall In Love With What You Do For A Living.

Falling In Love

I Don't Believe In Dying. It's Been Done. I'm Working On A New Exit. Besides, I Can't Die Now - I'm Booked.

Retire? I'm Going To Stay In Show Business Until I'm The Only One Left

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