Background Image

...

You Know, Sarah Palin Is The Governor Of Alaska, You Know That. And She's A Lifelong Member Of The National Rifle Association. So Great, Is What I'm Thinking, Another Vice President That Shoots A Drinking Buddy; Just Get Ready.

-David Letterman

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

You Know, Sarah Palin

David Letterman

...

You Know, Sarah Palin Is The Governor Of Alaska, You Know That. And She's A Lifelong Member Of The National Rifle Association. So Great, Is What I'm Thinking, Another Vice President That Shoots A Drinking Buddy; Just Get Ready.

Views: 89355

Topic

More From David Letterman

Delta: We Never Make The Same Mistake Three Times.

President Obama's Trying To Work Out A Nuclear Deal With Iran, And The Republicans Are Steamed. They Got Together And Sent Iran A Letter About The Nuclear Deal. They Said If This Doesn't Work, By God, They're Going To Send Seth Rogen And James Franco.

Everyone Has A Purpose In Life. Perhaps Yours Is Watching Television.

It's Two Days Until Tax Time. I Know It's Late, But There Is Still Time To Deduct This Show As A Loss.

I Don't Like Stand-up Comedy That Requires A Lot Of Props. I Really Respect People Who Can Walk Out Onstage Alone And With No Other Tool But Their Own Minds And Can Make You Laugh And Maybe Even Think A Little.

Sunday Is The Academy Awards. Every Time An Actor Says, 'i Didn't Expect This,' Ruth Bader Ginsburg Will Do A Shot.

Everybody Was Upset That Vladimir Putin Was Missing. He Was In Switzerland With His Girlfriend. She Had A Baby In Switzerland Because In Russia Childbirth Is Not Covered By Putin-care.

Over The Weekend, Of Course, Down There In Washington, D.c., They Had The Big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do You Know Who Was Really Funny? President Obama. So Funny, In Fact, He Has Already Been Promised 'the Tonight Show' In Five Years.

I Think The One Thing I Would Point To As A Primary Reason, Basically, Is That I Was A Gigantic Ass, ... It's The First Time I Got Dumped In My Life.

I Don't Like Jokes About Sex Or Bodily Functions Or Drug Use Or The Difference Between New York And L.a. I Never Do Any Of That.

I've Had Nothing But Great Friendship To Help Me Through This.

Great Friendship

Hillary's Trying To Appear Downhome. Earlier Today She Was Sitting On The Front Porch Of A General Store Whittling A Pantsuit.

I Was Once Involved In A Same-sex Marriage. There Was The Same Sex Over And Over And Over.

Presidential Hopeful Jeb Bush Has Released All Of His Emails. I'd Like To Release All Of My Emails. I've Got Nothing But Emails About Low-cost Funerals And Viagra.

John Kerry Told Tom Ridge He Was Too Busy To Receive A Homeland Security Briefing. I Thought That Was Odd, Since You're Not Supposed To Ignore Terrorist Threats Until After You Become President.

Pamela Anderson Is A Great Dancer Considering She Can't See Her Feet.

Have You Been Following The Big Oil Spill In The Gulf Of Mexico? Or As We Call It Now, The Dead Sea.

Did You Hear What The Republicans Have Said About Hillary Clinton? They Say She's Too Angry To Be President. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, Too Angry To Be President. When She Heard This, Hillary Said, 'oh Yeah? I'll Rip Your Throats Out, You Bastards.'

Paul Ryan Announced That After A Lot Of Thought, And Talking It Over With Family And Friends, That He Is Not Going To Run For President In 2016. I'm Telling You, This Announcement Sent Shock Waves Through No One.

Family And Friends

The First Presidential Debate Was Down In Florida. Residents Spent All Day Putting Plywood On Their Televisions.

Has The Mathematical Abilities Of A Clydesdale.

John Walker, While He Was In Afghanistan, Told People His Goal Was To Have Four Wives. ... Do We Need Any Further Proof That This Guy Is Out Of His Mind? Four Wives? That's How Al Qaeda Gets You To Become A Suicide Bomber.

The Catholic Church Has A Tough New Policy On Child Molestors: Three Strikes And You're A Cardinal.

Barack Obama's Busy Moving Into The White House. Earlier Today, John Mccain Was Blowing On His Soup.

My Good Friend Paul Shaffer And I Are Going To Continue In Show Business. Next Month Paul And I Will Debut Our New Act At Caesar's Palace With Our White Tigers.

Sarah Palin Is Joining Fox News. The New Slogan Is 'hair And Unbalanced.'

Newt Gingrich Wants To Build A Colony On The Moon. Ok, You Say, But Why? Well, He Wants To Be The First American To Get Divorced On The Moon.

Now How About This, Ladies And Gentlemen? The Governor Of Alaska, Sarah Palin, Has Announced She Is Stepping Down. She Will No Longer Be The Governor Of Alaska. First Thing, She Woke Up And Went Out On Her Porch And Waved Goodbye To Russia.

In Hollywood, Oscar Is King.

A Priest In New York City Was Arrested On Gun Possession. These Days, You Better Be Happy That The Bulge In His Pocket Is A .38.

A Lot Of Folks Are Still Demanding More Evidence Before They Actually Consider Iraq A Threat. For Example, France Wants More Evidence. And You Know I'm Thinking, The Last Time France Wanted More Evidence They Rolled Right Through Paris With The German Flag.

To Save Energy, New York City Is Now Dimming The Lights Of The Skyscrapers And The Skyline At Night. There's A Bad Side To This. If You Need Batman, You Have To Text Him.

Donald Trump Is Talking About Running For President. He Hasn't Made An Announcement, But I Want To Tell You Something. The Fake Suspense Is Killing Me.

I Hate Decaffeinated Coffee. It's Useless Brown Water.

I Had No Idea This Thing Was Televised. Boy, Is My Face Red.

Happy Cinco De Mayo. In Honor Of Cinco De Mayo, Mayor Bill De Blasio Is Filling All New York City Potholes With Guacamole.

There Was A Flight From Cleveland To New York City With Just Two People On Board. There Hasn't Been Two People On An Airplane Since The Wright Brothers.

Here's Good News: George W. Bush Says That He Is Committed To Fighting Global Warming. Yeah, Well, He Nipped That In The Bud, Didn't He? ... President Bush Says He's Really Going To Buckle Down Now And Fight Global Warming. As A Matter Of Fact, He Announced Today He's Sending 20,000 Troops To The Sun

Mitt Romney Said That He Liked To Fire People. Well, There's A Pretty Good Message To Send To Middle America. When Rick Perry Heard That, He Said, 'well That's Nothing. I Like To Execute People.'

Bush Explained His Strategy For Transfer Of Power. It's A Two Part Plan. Part One: Clean Out His Desk. Part Two: Rent A U-haul.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe Liberal Judges Need To Rewrite The Constitution Every Few Days To Suit Fringe Kooks Who Would Never Get Their Agendas Past The Voters.

Donald Trump Is On The Show Tonight. Donald Is A Big Man, I Think 230 Pounds -- 235 With Cologne.

Bring Your Child To Work Day -- That's How We Got George W. Bush.

There's A Rumor That President George Bush Had A Nose Job, That He Had Some Kind Of Plastic Surgery, That He Actually Had A Nose Job. If This Is True, That's The First New Job He's Created Since Taking Office.

Compared To Clinton, I Feel Like A Loser. I Can't Even Get The Intern To Make Me Coffee!

I Have Found That The Only Thing That Does Bring You Happiness Is Doing Something Good For Somebody Who Is Incapable Of Doing It For Themselves.

Good Luck Finding A Place To Park In New York City. And When You Do, Good Luck Figuring Out The Parking Signs, Restrictions, And Prohibitions. It Is So Complicated. It Has Gotten So Bad, I Never Park My Car Without A Lawyer.

All Comedians Are Preoccupied With One Thing And With One Thing Only-themmm-selllves. It's A Horrible Lot In Life.

Donald Trump May Be Running For President. He Said He Is Sick And Tired Of The Rest Of The World Laughing At The United States. Well, President Trump Will Certainly Put An End To That.

Kim Jong Il Made His Staff Call Him “dear” And Spent The Day Drinking Cognac. It's Like I Have A Twin, Ladies And Gentlemen.

Here's Some News From Afghanistan. We're Sending More Troops To Seal Up The Borders. Can We Try That Here? Three Months, 12,000 Pounds Of Bombs And Billions And Billions Of Dollars And The Highest Ranking Enemy We've Captured So Far Is An American.

Economists Believe There Are Three Reasons Why The Russian Economy Is Doing So Poorly. One, Economic Sanctions Are Working. Number Two, Low-price Oil. And Number Three, Lindsay Lohan Has Quit Drinking Vodka.

Economic Sanctions

Mitt Romney Is Running For President Again. That Will Be Attempt No. 3. Well, Everybody Needs A Hobby. He's Almost Certainly Running, And I'm Almost Certainly Retiring, So I Don't Care.

I'm Worried About John Kerry, He's So Confident Now That He's Already Planning His White House Sex Scandal.

Bp Has Put More Birds In Oil Than Colonel Sanders.

It Was Stupid Behaviour. And You Take A Look At The Explosion, And It Knocks You Down And You Wake Up Every Morning And You're Scared And You're Depressed And Sad, And You Kind Of Got To Let That Knock You Down And Knock You Down.

You Know Kim Jong Un, The Evil Dictator Of North Korea? Apparently, A Guy In His Inner Circle Used His Ashtray While Smoking And Kim Jong Un Had Him Executed. I Remember The Same Thing Happened When A Guy Used Martha Stewart's Personal Lemon Zester.

Bush Met With Former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter Is 76 Years Old, Or As Democrats Call Him 'their Bright New Star Of The Future.'

They Have Dog Food For Constipated Dogs. If Your Dog Is Constipated, Why Screw Up A Good Thing? Stay Indoors And Let 'em Bloat!

Pope Francis Is Going To Go To Washington, D.c., To Address Congress. He Believes The New England Patriots Have Been Deflating His Giant Hat.

Somebody Threw A Book At President Obama. If You're Trying To Scare A President By Throwing A Book At Him, You're One President Too Late.

Newt Gingrich Wants To Repeal Child Labor Laws. Ladies And Gentlemen, This Is The Man That We Need To Lead Us Into The 18th Century.

Have You Folks Been Following The Controversy With John Kerry And His Service In Vietnam And The Swift Boat Campaign? It All Took Place In Vietnam And Now It Just Won't Go Away. I Was Thinking About This - If John Kerry Had Just Ducked The War Like Everybody Else He Wouldn't Have This Trouble.

The Academy Awards Are Passed Out On Sunday. It's Voted By Members Of The Academy Of Motion Pictures Arts And Sciences. Or As I Call Them, 50 Shades Of White.

Airport Screeners Are Now Scanning Holiday Fruitcakes. Not Even The Scanners Can Tell What Those Little Red Things Are.

Have You Seen These Republican Presidential Candidates? I Bet Obama Is Sorry Now That He Spent All That Money On The New Birth Certificate.

This Will Be Michelle Obama's Last Opportunity To Try To Get Me To Eat Kale.

You Know What I Love Best About Baseball? The Pine Tar, The Resin, The Grass, The Dirt - And That's Just In The Hot-dogs.

Every Day We Learn More And More About This Wacky Osama Bin Laden. He Lives In A Cave And At One Time He Was A Womanizer. But Now He Has Settled Down With His Five Wives And 26 Kids, So That's Now All Over. ... He Also Had A Drinking Problem At One Time. I Believe He Went Through 'jihab'

The Oil Spill Is Getting Bad. There Is So Much Oil And Tar Now In The Gulf Of Mexico, Cubans Can Now Walk To Miami.

When You Think About Flying, It's Nuts Really. Here You Are At About 40,000 Feet, Screaming Along At 700 Miles An Hour And You're Sitting There Drinking Diet Pepsi And Eating Peanuts. It Just Doesn't Make Any Sense.

Bronco Rick Perry Is The First Candidate I've Ever Heard Say He's Not Doing Well Because He's Sleepy. You Know, We Criticized George W. Bush A Lot, But There Was One Thing He Was Very Disciplined About, And That Was Getting His Full Eight Years Of Sleep.

Experts Say This Global Warming Is Serious, And They Are Predicting Now That By The Year 2050, We Will Be Out Of Party Ice.

United Airlines: Passengers Are Our Worst Enemy. We're Not Too Fond Of Luggage Either.

Do You Remember When You Found Out There Was No Santa Claus? I Was So Upset I Didn't Think I'd Be Able To Do The Show.

I Think You Can Use Some Of Those Words On Tv. But One Thing You Can't Do Is Throw Coffee, I've Said It Over And Over Again!

How Would Trump Travel As President? Obviously, He'd Use Hair Force One.

It Turns Out That President Obama Has Acid Reflux. He Had A Sore Throat, Went To The Hospital, And They Diagnosed It As Acid Reflux. Talk About Irony -- It's Not Covered By Obamacare.

I'm Having Trouble Warming Up To Mitt Romney. He Looks Like The Guy In The Restaurant That Comes To Your Table To Make Sure Everything's All Right.

John Kerry Had Surgery On His Right Shoulder This Week To Repair Some Damage. It Was Pretty Bad, He Had No Feeling. It Was Almost Like He Was A Republican.

Guess Who's Running For President? Jeb Bush. Jeb Was Governor Of Florida And He Speaks Fluent Spanish, Which Raises The Question: What Language Did His Brother Speak? What Was That?

Mitt Romney, Two-time Republican Presidential Hopeful, Boxed Former Heavyweight Champion Of The World Evander Holyfield For Charity. It Was A Horrible Moment When Romney Bit Off Holyfield's Other Ear.

Mitt Romney Is Not Going To Run For President. Mitt Said It's Time For Fresh Faces. So That's Good News For Bruce Jenner.

President Obama And His Family Are Spending The Holidays In Hawaii, And While They're Gone, They Got A Fence Jumper To House Sit. Tomorrow, He Will Be In Hawaii Playing Golf With Raul Castro And The Pope.

Childhood. I Wish I Had Something To Complain About.

It's Disappointing When You Finally Get To Meet Someone You Admire And He Conducts Himself As A Jerk.

John Mccain Turned 72 Years Old Last Friday, But The Chinese Are Making Him A Birth Certificate That Says He's Only 33 And Then He'll Be Ready To Go.

The New 'mad Max' Movie Takes Place In A Post-apocalyptic World. I Have A Small Part In 'mad Max.' I Play The Old Geezer Who Remembers What Steak Tasted Like.

Critics Of The Wall Street Protesters Claim That They Have Old Ideas, Nothing New, And They're Never Going To Work. Wait A Minute., That Sounds Like This Show.

But I Was Thinking About This, The Obamas Want To Adopt A Stray Dog From The Pound. And I Think That Is Admirable. I Believe The Last President To Bring A Stray Dog Into The White House Got Impeached.

Every Year When It's Chinese New Year Here In New York, There Are Fireworks Going Off At All Hours. New York Mothers Calm Their Frightened Children By Telling Them It's Just Gunfire.

The Night Before The Olympics Opening Ceremony, My Son, Who Is Eight Years Old, Gets Very Excited And Likes To Put Out A Plate Of Cookies And Some Milk For Bob Costas.

This Warning From The New York City Department Of Health Fraud: Be Suspicious Of Any Doctor Who Tries To Take Your Temperature With His Finger.

How About Those Olympics, Ladies And Gentlemen. Didn't London Look Like The Place To Be? New York City Was In The Running For This Olympics. But Here's What Happened. We Got Outbribed.

Donald Trump Announced That He Is Not Running For President. He Would Rather Spend His Time Making Gary Busey Sell Snapple On The Street.

Mitt Romney, Two-time Republican Presidential Candidate, Is Going To Fight Evander Holyfield For Charity. I Hope They Save Some Of That Money For Funeral Expenses.

John Boehner - Doesn't He Look Like Every Guy You've Ever Seen At A Hotel Bar? He Looks Like The Kind Of Guy Who Licks His Thumb When He Counts His Money.

Say What You Will About Leona Helmsley, When It Comes To Standing Trial, She's Twice The Man Jim Bakker Is.

I'm Still Here. I Knocked Off Another Competitor.

I Pulled A Hamstring During The New York City Marathon. An Hour Into The Race, I Jumped Off The Couch.

The Big Debate Right Now Is If Saddam Is Alive Or Dead. He's Dead, Then He's Alive, Then Dead, Then Alive. It's Just Confusing. Today They Showed Videotape, And Saddam Was Speaking At His Own Funeral.

Unusual Weather For New York City. Today It Was 68 And Foggy. No, Wait A Minute, That's Me. I'm Sorry, That's Me.

A Guy In Pennsylvania Was Arrested Because He Was Drunk In His Golf Cart Going From Bar To Bar. So They Arrested Him. I Said: Wait A Minute. Isn't That Golf?

You Can't Eat Tomatoes Because They're Tainted With Deadly Salmonella. First There Was Tainted Lettuce. Now, Tainted Tomatoes. Who Would Have Thought That The Healthiest Part Of A B.l.t. Would Be The Bacon?

Fifteen Years Ago Tomorrow I Had Open Heart Surgery, A Quintuple Bypass Surgery. Thanks To All Of My Doctors. Because Of Them, In 15 Years Of Life I've Been Able To Experience, Well, Acid Reflux, Short-term Memory Loss, And Erectile Dysfunction. Thanks For All Your Work. It's Great To Be Alive.

Do You Remember The Good Ol' Days When Congress Was Only Unsafe If You Were An Intern.

Remember Evil Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin? He Vanished For 10 Days. He Had Disappeared And There Were A Lot Of Rumors. One Rumor Was He Had Disappeared Because He Had Himself Executed.

Newt Gingrich's Campaign Is Broke. All The Money Gone. So Now He's Charging $50 For A Photo. And For $100 You Can Marry Him.

They're Saying President Obama Doesn't Have Any Friends. The Problem Is That He Can't Get Congress To Approve One.

President Obama

Over The Weekend, John Kerry - The Big John Kerry Juggernaut Moves On - He Won Primaries In Washington D.c., Nevada And, I Think, Canada. And He's So Confident That He's Started Nailing That Intern Again.

It Was A Tough Press Conference For President Bush. He Spent The First Ten Minutes Trying To Pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush Insisted That Iraq Is Not Vietnam. Of Course Not, He Avoided Vietnam.

As You Know Now, Rush Limbaugh Is The New Face Of The Republican Party, But They'll Probably Go With A Different Body.

Because Utah Is Largely Mormon Country, The Firing Squad's A Little Different. You're Blindfolded But No Cigarette.

Fall Is My Favorite Season In Los Angeles, Watching The Birds Change Color And Fall From The Trees.

I Vote Democrat Because Freedom Of Speech Is Fine As Long As Nobody Is Offended By It.

Freedom Of Speech

Overall Bush's European Trip Has Been An Overwhelming Success. Not Once Has He Gotten Separated From His Group.

Congratulations

You Know Who's Upset Now With Isis? Al Qaeda. It's Because Isis Is Getting More Attention Than Al Qaeda. So Now, Saturday Night Will Be Ayman Al-zawahiri Bobblehead Night.

Dingoes, Jackals, Skunks, Vipers And Weasel Are Now Illegal In New York City. Well Great, Who's Going To Run Cbs?

About Half An Hour Before Air Time - That's When I Become Hyper. I Put Everything Else Out Of My Mind And Just Let That Nervous Energy Surge Through My Body. I Start Talking Faster And Louder. My Confidence Comes Up. It's Actually A Great Feeling.

I Know These Jokes Aren't Great, Ladies And Gentlemen, See This Is The Problem You Run Into When You're Between Impeachments.

Wherever We've Travelled In This Great Land Of Ours, We've Found That People Everywhere Are About 90% Water.

Herman Cain Said, Starting Today, If You Buy Into His 9-9-9 Plan, He'll Throw In A Free 32-ounce Soda.

Don't Worry About Me. I Plan To Continue To Be In Show Business. I Have Already Been Booked To Be In A Production Of 'the Sunshine Boys' With Jay Leno.

The Reason I Vote Democrat Is Because I Think It's Better To Pay Billions For Oil To People Who Hate Us, But Not Drill Our Own Because It Might Upset Some Endangered Beetle, Gopher, Or Fish Here In America. We Don't Care About The Beetles, Gophers, Or Fish In Those Other Countries.

Don't Kid Yourself. Global Warming Is No Joke. Here's How Serious Global Warming Has Gotten To Be In The United States. In This Country Global Warming Is So Bad, We Are Now Actually Starting To Warm Up To Barry Bonds.

I Have Talents Aplenty. Unfortunately, Precious Few Of Them Have Any Redeeming Social Value.

Vladimir Putin Said The Tanks That You See Rolling Through The Streets Are Just Part Of The Closing Ceremonies Of The Olympics.

Sarah Palin Was Delivering A Speech And She Said 'refudiate.' It's Not A Word – You Have Refute And Repudiate, And She Combined Them. A Lot Of Times That Will Happen And People Will Confuse Combinations Of Words. I Remember A Couple Years Ago John Mccain Mistakenly Combined The Words Vice President And Palin.

Next In Importance To Having A Good Aim Is To Recognize When To Pull The Trigger.

Obesity Is Now A Problem In The Navy. They've Created A New Rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

God Forbid I Should Be The Last One To Criticize, But I Think May Be Howard Dean Has A Bit Of A Problem Because Earlier Today During A Debate In New Hampshire, He Bit Off Joe Lieberman's Ear.

Kim Jong Un Shaved His Eyebrows And Got His Hair Sticking Right Up. How Would You Like The Leader Of Your Country Looking Like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman Told Him He Looks Weird.

Child Labor, Not A Problem. Censorship, Not A Problem. Torture, Not A Problem. Chewing Gum In China - Oh, My God! You Better Not Be Over Here Chewing Gum.

Kids In Washington Every Year Have The Big Easter Egg Roll On The White House Lawn. The Kids Found 300 Easter Eggs. They Also Found About 10,000 Missing Hillary Emails.

If It Wasn't For Coffee, I'd Have No Discernible Personality At All.

I Don't Mind Being Accused Of Being A Bad Comedian And I Don't Even Mind Being Accused Of Being A Bad Talk-show Host, But I Never Want To Be Accused Of Being An Arrogant, Pompous Showbiz Asshole.

Bill Clinton May In Fact Be Moving Back Into The White House. And Coincidentally I'm Thinking About Moving Back Into My Mother's House.

Here In New York City, It's Cold. It's So Cold The Republicans Want To Use The Keystone Pipeline To Deliver Soup.

Keystone Pipeline

There Are A Lot Of New York City Thanksgiving Traditions. For Example, A Lot Of New Yorkers Don't Buy The Frozen Thanksgiving Turkey. They Prefer To Buy The Bird Live And Then Push It In Front Of A Subway Train.

Yesterday, The Senate Voted To Approve President Clinton's Decision To Send Troops To Bosnia. And They Voted To Change The Name Of That Mission To "operation Forget About Whitewater".

The Russian Economy Is Tanking. It's Gotten So Bad That Today Vladimir Putin Had To Pawn His Stolen Super Bowl Ring. And Putin Will Finance His Next Invasion On Kickstarter.

Russian Economy

Traffic Signals In New York Are Just Rough Guidelines.

John Boehner Is A Member Of A Country Club In Ohio. It Turns Out That The Bartender Was Plotting To Poison Boehner. Now Wait A Minute. Isn't That The Movie With Seth Rogen And James Franco?

Now In Utah If You Get The Death Sentence, They Have The Firing Squad. In Russia, They Call That Early Retirement.

The United States Has Launched Airstrikes Against Isis. It's Being Called 'operation Approval Ratings.'

Approval Rating

Here's What The Kids Get. They Get Free Mcdonald's And Kentucky Fried Chicken For A Year, And 52 Six-packs Of Pepsi. And I'm Thinking, Well, Actually, It Might Be Healthier If They Were Taking Steroids.

Don't Use Your Bedroom For Work, Unless You're A Prostitute.

I Have Nothing Against The North Koreans But This Kim Jong Un Has Got A Screw Loose. A Member Of His Cabinet, His Security Minister, Nods Off, Falls Sleep. We've All Done It. Kim Jong Un Takes The Guy Out And Has Him Executed, Just For Just Falling Asleep. Oh, And He Was Also Deflating Footballs.

New York... When Civilization Falls Apart, Remember, We Were Way Ahead Of You.

Barack Obama Is Putting His Team Together To Take Over The Administration. So Far, He's Got His Mother-in-law, Who Is Going To Be Living With Him, And They Are Talking About Hillary For Secretary Of State. You Have Your Mother-in-law And Hillary Clinton. Sounds Like Smooth Sailing To Me.

I Can Hardly Wait Until Donald Trump Announces His Celebrity Cabinet.

Last Month Mitt Romney Raised $76 Million. He Found It In An Old Sport-coat Pocket.

You Can Email Me, But I Prefer Letters That Come Through Conventional Mail. I Like Letters That Have Been Licked By Strangers.

Tourists - Have Some Fun With New York's Hard-boiled Cabbies. When You Get To Your Destination, Say To Your Driver, "pay? I Was Hitchhiking."

Obama Said They've Had Some Glitches With The Affordable Care Website. I'll Tell You Something. If You Order A Pair Of Pants Online And They Send You The Wrong Color, That's A Glitch. This Is Like A Carnival Cruise, For God's Sake!

Congratulations To Saddam Hussein On Being Elected To Another Seven-year Term. It Was Very Close. He Received 99 Percent Of The Vote, And One Percent Of The Vote Went For Last-minute Candidate Frank Lautenberg.

Congratulations

Newt Gingrich Is Against Same-sex Marriage. Well, Actually, He's Against Same-marriage Sex.

You Have Kim Jong Il, And You Have His Brother, Menta Lee Il.

There's Some Kind Of A Thing Where When She Was Secretary Of State She Was Using Her Own E-mail Instead Of The State Department, And I Thought Finally, A Clinton Scandal The Entire Family Can Enjoy.

In The Last 48 Hours King Abdullah From Saudi Arabia Passed Away. I Have A Moral Dilemma. The King Passed Away Three Or Four Days Ago. Is It Too Soon To Hit On Queen Latifah?

You Folks Like Tv, You Watch A Lot Of Tv? There's A Show Right Here On Cbs, It's A Huge Hit. It's Called The "mentalist." And It's About This Guy Who Has A Heightened Sense Of Observation. It's Miraculous; He's The Only Guy In The World Who Can Tell The Difference Between Sarah Palin And Tina Fey.

Two Things You Need To Know About Taxes. They've Extended The Deadline To April 18, And When You Write Your Check, Just Make It Out To China.

I Got My Lips Chewed Off By A Dingo!

Reasons Why Members Of Congress Deserve A Pay Raise: Many Big Corporations Are Cutting Back On Bribes; Nearly Half The Members Have Never Been Indicted.

So They Caught Gadhafi In A Storm Sewer And Shot Him. Or As They Call It In The Middle East, An Orderly Transfer Of Power.

New Orleans: The Least Annoying French Place On Earth.

Gays Are Now Allowed To Serve Openly In The Military. So Maybe Our Next War Could Be A Musical.

I Think O.j. Protests Too Much. Not Only Did He Say He Didn't Carve The Holiday Turkey, But He Was In The Back Yard Practicing His Golf Swing The Whole Time.

And Now The Really Difficult Part: We Have To Rebuild Iraq Into A Strong And Independent Nation That Will One Day Hate The United States.

John Mccain Said That Sarah Palin Is Still A Force In The Republican Party. Then He Got In His Car And Backed Over His Mailbox.

Stocks Are At An All-time High Today. I Don't Have Any Money In The Stock Market. I Don't Have The Stomach For The Ups And Downs. So About 20 Years Ago I Put All Of My Money And Liquid Assets Into Videotape Rewind Machines.

George W. Said He Doesn't Watch Television. And, Of Course, Well - The Reason For That Is The Clintons Stole The White House Satellite System.

Iraq's Elite Republican Guard Is Doing So Badly They're Changing Their Name To The Democratic Guard.

Everyone Has This Sense Of Togetherness Right Now. For Example, One Guy On The Subway Today, He Wanted To Share My Pants.

Ted Kennedy Is Endorsing John Kerry And I'm Wondering, Do You Really Want The Endorsement Of A Guy With A Bloody Mary Mustache?

Mitt Romney Has A Fund-raiser. He's Going To Get In The Ring And Fight Evander Holyfield. This Is The Dumbest Thing Republicans Have Done Since They Wrote That Open Letter To Iran.

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Has New Balloons This Year Including The Pillsbury Doughboy Balloon And The First Openly Gay Balloon. Also The Thomas Tank Engine Balloon, And They Even Have The Ebola Nurse Balloon.

Mitt Romney Was A Guest On 'the Tonight Show' On Nbc. It's Interesting — You Have An Empty Suit Trying To Please Everyone, And Then Romney Comes Out.

Today Is Tax Day. A Lot Of People Are Hoping They Get Refunds. And That's Just The Folks Here In The Audience.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe The Government Will Do A Better Job Of Spending The Money I Earn Than I Would.

You Folks Feeling The Economic Pinch? Are You A Little Fed Up With The Economic News? It's Bad. The Department Stores, This Holiday Season, No Santa Claus. They're Laying Off Department-store Santa Clauses. So More Bad News For John Mccain.

The Best Part About Holiday Parties Is The Alcohol. You Have A Couple Of Drinks And You Tell Your Coworkers And Your Superiors What You Really Think About Them. And Then The Fun Begins.

Well, We're Just A Couple Of Weeks From New President Barack Obama Being Sworn In. And He's Been Very Busy Naming A Lot Of Cabinet Positions. And Today He Announced That He Wants The Surgeon General To Be Tv Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That Was The Kid On 'american Idol,' Wasn't It?

The Pope Also Said That While He's In Town He Would Like To Go See 'the Book Of Mormon.'

In A Recent Interview, Howard Dean Admitted That He Used To Drink And Smoke Pot. So, Now All He Needs To Put Him Over The Top Is A Sex Scandal.

Public Service Announcement: In Case Of A Terrorist Attack, Bottled Water And Duct Tape Are Not Going To Do A Damn Thing. So Do What Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge Does: Get Really Drunk, And Pick Up A Hooker.

After My Bypass Surgery I Knew I Had To Change My Lifestyle, And Then It Occured To Me - I Don't Have A Lifestyle.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz Announced He Is Running For President. Ted Cruz Was Born In Canada, His Father Fled To The United States From Cuba, And Yet Ted Cruz Is Against Immigration. Isn't That Odd?

St. Patrick's Day Is The Fourth Biggest Drinking Day In America. It's Not The Biggest. It's Right Behind New Year's Eve, Fourth Of July, Or Any Secret Service Party.

Yesterday Was Chinese New Year. It's The Year Of The Rabbit. And Here's How Dumb I Am. I'm Still Writing The Year Of The Pig On My Checks.

If I Can Be Serious Now, And I Have The Feeling I Can.

This Osama Bin Laden, Now They Say He Has Had Plastic Surgery. They Say He Sneaked Across The Border Into Pakistan, Which By The Way Is The Place To Go To Have Plastic Surgery. He Looks Great. A Tourist Came Up To Him Earlier This Week And Said, 'may I Have Your Autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?'

Hillary Clinton Is Campaigning In Iowa, Virtually Going Door To Door To Every Home In Iowa. Jehovah's Witnesses Finally Got Fed Up And Said, 'get Lost. Get Out Of Here!'

I Like That Sarah Palin. She Looks Like The Flight Attendant Who Won't Give You A Second Can Of Pepsi ... She Looks Like The Nurse Who Weighs You And Then Makes You Sit Alone In Your Underwear For 20 Minutes ... She Looks Like A Real Estate Agent Whose Picture You See On The Bus Stop Bench ... She Looks Like The Hygienist Who Makes You Feel Guilty About Not Flossing ... She Looks Like The Relieved Mom In A Tide Commercial.

When I Became A Sigma Chi It Was Great, Because They Were The Pople I Enjoyed Being With And I Was Very Proud Of The Association. It Was Kind Of An Instant Confidence Builder For Me--that What I Considered The Best Fraternity On Campus Had Actually Wanted Me. And I Had Always Been Very Shy And Without A Lot Of Confidence. So It Was A Really Good Social Experience And For Me It Was Also A Social Maturation. It Was A Great Benefit.

Mitt Romney Is Not Going To Be Running For President. So You Know What That Means. We Are Getting Closer And Closer To 'president Trump.'

I Was Christmas Shopping And Ran Into A Guy On The Street. I Noticed His Watch And Said That It Runs Slow. He Said, "so Does The Guy I Stole It From."

You've Got To Be Careful Smoking Weed. It Causes Memory Loss. And Also, It Causes Memory Loss.

Those North Korean Hackers Are At It Again. Earlier Today They Leaked Santa's Naughty List.

Are You Excited About The Recall Election? Arnold's Campaign Has A New Slogan: 'win One For The Groper.'

Trending Author

Nathan Bedford Forrest

Elizabeth Kenny

Category