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I Got My Lips Chewed Off By A Dingo!

-David Letterman

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I Got My Lips

David Letterman

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I Got My Lips Chewed Off By A Dingo!

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Paul Ryan Announced That After A Lot Of Thought, And Talking It Over With Family And Friends, That He Is Not Going To Run For President In 2016. I'm Telling You, This Announcement Sent Shock Waves Through No One.

Family And Friends

Night Clubs Scare Me. They're Dark And They Stink And They're Dangerous And Everybody's Drunk.

Let's Have Some Wine, Go Upstairs, And Look At My Money.

Monday Is President's Day And Former President Bill Clinton Is Very Excited. He Is Taking George Bush, Sr. To 'hooters'. ... George H.w. Bush And Bill Clinton Have Been Spending More And More Time Together. Doesn't That Seem Like An Unusual Couple To You, Honestly? Earlier Today They Went To Go See That Gay Cowboy Movie.

Mitt Romney Has Asked Todd Akin To Step Down. That's Too Bad. Todd Akin Was The Guy To Lead The Republican Party Into The 16th Century.

Obama Took A Tour Of The Great Wall Of China And Said, 'we Need One Of These Things Around The White House.'

Martha Stewart Is Getting Out Of Prison So Today The Terror Alert Was Raised From Orange To Pesto.

President Obama And His Family Are Spending The Holidays In Hawaii, And While They're Gone, They Got A Fence Jumper To House Sit. Tomorrow, He Will Be In Hawaii Playing Golf With Raul Castro And The Pope.

Former President Bush, To Celebrate His 80th Birthday, Jumped Out Of An Airplane. And If You've Seen The Polls, You Know He's Not The Only Bush In Freefall.

Two Things You Need To Know About Taxes. They've Extended The Deadline To April 18, And When You Write Your Check, Just Make It Out To China.

Here's A Little Known Fact - Arnold Is The First Body Builder To Run For Governor Since Janet Reno.

Hillary Clinton Is Driving Across Iowa In A Van. It's To Get To Know The People She'll Never, Ever See Again In Her Life.

Don't Kid Yourself. Global Warming Is No Joke. Here's How Serious Global Warming Has Gotten To Be In The United States. In This Country Global Warming Is So Bad, We Are Now Actually Starting To Warm Up To Barry Bonds.

Asked By Reporters About His Upcoming Marriage To A Forty-two-year-old Woman, Director Roman Polanski Told Reporters, `the Way I Look At It, She's The Equivalent Of Three Fourteen-year-olds.'

Reasons Why Members Of Congress Deserve A Pay Raise: Many Big Corporations Are Cutting Back On Bribes; Nearly Half The Members Have Never Been Indicted.

President Obama Has Two Years Left As President. I Wouldn't Be Surprised If He Gets To Appoint Two New Kardashian Husbands.

John Boehner - Doesn't He Look Like Every Guy You've Ever Seen At A Hotel Bar? He Looks Like The Kind Of Guy Who Licks His Thumb When He Counts His Money.

Everyday Is A Compromise.

My Retirement Plan Was In Place But Bernie Maidoff With My Money.

I Have Found That The Only Thing That Does Bring You Happiness Is Doing Something Good For Somebody Who Is Incapable Of Doing It For Themselves.

The Pope Also Said That While He's In Town He Would Like To Go See 'the Book Of Mormon.'

I Was Christmas Shopping And Ran Into A Guy On The Street. I Noticed His Watch And Said That It Runs Slow. He Said, "so Does The Guy I Stole It From."

Earlier Today, We Got A Call From Stephen Hawking. He's A Genius, And After 6,028 Shows He Ran The Numbers And He Said It Works Out To About Eight Minutes Of Laughter.

Pope Francis Is Going To Go To Washington, D.c., To Address Congress. He Believes The New England Patriots Have Been Deflating His Giant Hat.

The Catholic Church Has A Tough New Policy On Child Molestors: Three Strikes And You're A Cardinal.

The Night Before The Olympics Opening Ceremony, My Son, Who Is Eight Years Old, Gets Very Excited And Likes To Put Out A Plate Of Cookies And Some Milk For Bob Costas.

Over The Weekend Mitt Romney Went Body Surfing. He Has Not Body Surfed Since The '90s When He Starred On 'baywatch.'

Donald Trump Is Attacking President Obama's Background. And I Said, 'wait A Minute, Trump Also Is From A Mixed Background. He's Half Jack And Half Ass.'

It's Interesting What Former Presidents Do When They Leave Office. Bush Is Now Working As A Motivational Speaker. And If You Want To Be Motivated, Who Better To Turn To Than The Guy Who Invaded The Wrong Country And Started A Depression.

The Ayatollah In Iran Says He Believes That He Got The Letter, But He Thinks He Accidentally Threw It Out With His Crate & Barrel Catalog.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe The Government Will Do A Better Job Of Spending The Money I Earn Than I Would.

Did You See Howard Dean Ranting And Raving? Here's A Little Tip Howard - Cut Back On The Red Bull.

You Folks Feeling The Economic Pinch? Are You A Little Fed Up With The Economic News? It's Bad. The Department Stores, This Holiday Season, No Santa Claus. They're Laying Off Department-store Santa Clauses. So More Bad News For John Mccain.

President Obama And His Wife Are Going To Kenya. Donald Trump Said, 'while You're There, Pick Up Your Birth Certificate.'

Delta: We Never Make The Same Mistake Three Times.

Kim Jong Un Shaved His Eyebrows And Got His Hair Sticking Right Up. How Would You Like The Leader Of Your Country Looking Like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman Told Him He Looks Weird.

In Just A Few Minutes, My Son Will Have Completed His First Trip Around The Sun.

Because Utah Is Largely Mormon Country, The Firing Squad's A Little Different. You're Blindfolded But No Cigarette.

They Found A Scrapbook With Photos Of Osama Bin Laden From The '90s, And They're Studying Each And Every Photo Very, Very Closely. My Favorite Shot Of Osama Bin Laden Was Right Between The Eyes.

Osama Bin Laden

President Bush Insisted That There Was Nothing In The August 6th, 2001 Briefing, Which Was Titled 'bin Laden Determined To Attack The United States', That Hinted What Bin Laden Was Up To. Bush Says That He Would Have Moved Mountains To Stop The Attack. Yeah, But He Draws The Line At Reading A Memo.

Well, The Manhunt Continues For That Elusive Evil Mastermind, But I'm Telling You Enron Ceo Kenneth Lay Remains At Large.

A Pair Of Ruby Red Slippers Worn By Judy Garland In The Wizard Of Oz Have Been Stolen. The Thief Is Described As Being Armed And Fabulous.

Here's A Woman, A Real Pioneer For Other Women Looking For Careers In Stand-up Comedy. And Talk About Guts - She Would Come Out Here And Sit In This Chair And Say Some Things That Were Unbelievable - Where You Would Have To Swallow Pretty Hard... But It Was Hilarious... The Force Of Her Comedy Was Overpowering.

I Vote Democrat Because I Love The Fact That I Can Now Marry Whatever I Want. I've Decided To Marry My German Shepherd.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Everybody Loves Them. But I Thought This Was Interesting On The Box, 'konsult Kardiologist.

Kim Jong Un's Sister Got Married. That Sounds Like Another Seth Rogen Movie, Doesn't It?

John Boehner Is A Member Of A Country Club In Ohio. It Turns Out That The Bartender Was Plotting To Poison Boehner. Now Wait A Minute. Isn't That The Movie With Seth Rogen And James Franco?

We Make A Lot Of Fun At President Clinton's Expense. But This Transition Is Going To Be Tough Because It's Been 25 Years Since This Guy Has Gotten Laid In The Private Sector.

Pepsi Has A New Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, We Don't Have An Ebola Vaccine, But We Do Have The Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

Over The Weekend, Of Course, Down There In Washington, D.c., They Had The Big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do You Know Who Was Really Funny? President Obama. So Funny, In Fact, He Has Already Been Promised 'the Tonight Show' In Five Years.

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One Day You're The Leader Of Iraq, The Next Day You're Being Checked For Fleas On Fox News.

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There Is No Off Position On The Genius Switch.

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Bp Has Put More Birds In Oil Than Colonel Sanders.

Recently A Guy Was Having Trouble With His Computer. So He Unplugs It, Takes It Out In The Alley, Pulls Out A Gun, And Shoots It Eight Times. Coincidentally, That's How Hillary Got Rid Of Her Emails.

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In A Recent Interview, Howard Dean Admitted That He Used To Drink And Smoke Pot. So, Now All He Needs To Put Him Over The Top Is A Sex Scandal.

Has The Mathematical Abilities Of A Clydesdale.

There's Some Kind Of A Thing Where When She Was Secretary Of State She Was Using Her Own E-mail Instead Of The State Department, And I Thought Finally, A Clinton Scandal The Entire Family Can Enjoy.

Hillary Has Now Erased All Of Her Emails, And She Also Had All Of Her Pantsuits Dry Cleaned.

I Have Talents Aplenty. Unfortunately, Precious Few Of Them Have Any Redeeming Social Value.

Herman Cain Said, Starting Today, If You Buy Into His 9-9-9 Plan, He'll Throw In A Free 32-ounce Soda.

It's Autumn In New York. The Colors Are Changing Yellow, The Browns, The Greens, The Oranges. And That's Just The Tap Water.

Congratulations To Chelsea Clinton. Over The Weekend, She Gave Birth To A Baby Girl. The Baby Girl Will Not Confirm Or Deny Whether She's Running In 2056.

Obama Said They've Had Some Glitches With The Affordable Care Website. I'll Tell You Something. If You Order A Pair Of Pants Online And They Send You The Wrong Color, That's A Glitch. This Is Like A Carnival Cruise, For God's Sake!

The 2016 Presidential Campaign Is Heating Up. Can You Feel The Indifference, The Apathy?

Are We Sure This Is A Good Time To Take God Out Of The Pledge Of Allegiance?

Now All Of Us Can Talk To The Nsa -- Just By Dialing Any Number.

The President Met With Bp Ceo Tony Hayward, And Obama Was Demanding That Bp Clean Up The Gulf. And I'm Thinking, Good Luck. They Can't Even Clean Up Their Gas Station Restrooms.

Did You Hear This? They Say Now Osama Bin Laden And His Buddy Mullah Omar Have Left Afghanistan Dressed As Women. They Dressed Up As Women And Went Across The Border Into Pakistan. I Think They're Going To Make A Movie About It. They're Going To Call It 'some Like It Jihad.'

Yesterday Was Election Day. If We Have Any Democrats In The Audience, I'm Sorry But You're Going To Have To Give Up Your Seats.

Scientists Have Discovered A Black Hole That Is 12 Billion Times The Size Of Our Sun. It's Full Of Hillary Clinton Emails.

There Are So Many Flavors Of Coke Now - Coke With Lemon, Coke With Vanilla, Coke With Lime, Cherry Coke, And They've Just Brought Out Another New Flavor - Coke With Pepsi.

Congratulations Are In Order For Woody Allen - He And Soon Yi Have A Brand New Baby Daughter. It's All Part Of Woody's Plan To Grow His Own Wives.

Do You Know What I'm Going To Do When I Retire? I Hope To Become The New Face Of Scientology.

Here's What The Kids Get. They Get Free Mcdonald's And Kentucky Fried Chicken For A Year, And 52 Six-packs Of Pepsi. And I'm Thinking, Well, Actually, It Might Be Healthier If They Were Taking Steroids.

I'm Nothing If Not An Optimist.

I Don't Know What They Are Protesting At Occupy Wall Street But I'm On Their Side. But 10,000 Protestors And One Porta Potty?

They Say There Are About 12 Million Illegal Immigrants In This Country. But If You Ask A Native American, That Number Is More Like 300 Million.

Native American

Don't Forget It's Daylight Savings Time. You Spring Forward, Then You Fall Back. It's Like Robert Downey Jr. Getting Out Of Bed.

Happy Birthday To Evil North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un. He Gathered Family And Friends Together And Celebrated By Executing A Few Close Friends.

Family And Friends

Have You Folks Been Following The Controversy With John Kerry And His Service In Vietnam And The Swift Boat Campaign? It All Took Place In Vietnam And Now It Just Won't Go Away. I Was Thinking About This - If John Kerry Had Just Ducked The War Like Everybody Else He Wouldn't Have This Trouble.

The Creepy Stuff Was That I Have Had Sex With Women Who Worked For Me On This Show. Now, My Response To That Is Yes I Have. I Have Had Sex With Women Who Worked On This Show. Would It Be Embarrassing If It Were Made Public? Perhaps It Would, Especially For The Women.

The Senator Got So Tired On The Campaign Trail That He Started Kissing Hands And Shaking Babies.

I Vote Democrat Because I'm Not Concerned About Millions Of Babies Being Aborted So Long As We Keep All Death Row Inmates Alive And Comfy.

Bronco Rick Perry Is The First Candidate I've Ever Heard Say He's Not Doing Well Because He's Sleepy. You Know, We Criticized George W. Bush A Lot, But There Was One Thing He Was Very Disciplined About, And That Was Getting His Full Eight Years Of Sleep.

You Have Kim Jong Il, And You Have His Brother, Menta Lee Il.

Bring Your Child To Work Day -- That's How We Got George W. Bush.

It Turns Out That President Obama Has Acid Reflux. He Had A Sore Throat, Went To The Hospital, And They Diagnosed It As Acid Reflux. Talk About Irony -- It's Not Covered By Obamacare.

You Know Who's Upset Now With Isis? Al Qaeda. It's Because Isis Is Getting More Attention Than Al Qaeda. So Now, Saturday Night Will Be Ayman Al-zawahiri Bobblehead Night.

During The Debate, Palin Winked, Wrinkled Her Nose, And Gave A Shout-out To A Third-grade Class. Well, You Know, That Says Commander-in-chief To Me Right There. You Betcha!

Today Mitt Romney Is 68 Years Old. It's Kind Of Sad, A 68-year-old Guy With No Job, No Future - Wait A Minute, That's Me.

When You Think About Flying, It's Nuts Really. Here You Are At About 40,000 Feet, Screaming Along At 700 Miles An Hour And You're Sitting There Drinking Diet Pepsi And Eating Peanuts. It Just Doesn't Make Any Sense.

Mitt Romney Was A Guest On 'the Tonight Show' On Nbc. It's Interesting — You Have An Empty Suit Trying To Please Everyone, And Then Romney Comes Out.

It's So Warm Now, And Thanksgiving Came So Early - Is It Just Me, Or Does It Not Really Feel Like Ramadan?

Tomorrow Is Election Day. It's What They Call The Midterm Elections, And You Can Cut The Indifference With A Knife. It's The Day Americans Leave Work Early And Pretend To Vote.

The New Cia Torture Report Is 6 Million Pages Long. It's Almost As Long As A George Clooney Pre-nup.

Herman Cain Was Unaware That China Is A Nuclear Power. And I Said To Myself, 'hey, Herman, How About Making An Unwanted Advance On A History Book?'

Weak Coffee Is The Greatest Sin Against Humanity.

It Was Announced That President Obama And His Wife, When They're Finished In Washington, Are Moving To New York City. The Guy Just Can't Get Enough Gridlock.

Some Secret Service Guys Crashed A Car Into The White House. And They Had Been Drinking When It Happened. Actually, They Hit A Barrier Trying To Get To The White House. It's The Same Thing That Is Happening To Hillary.

Since 1980, There Have Been 91 Breaches Of Security At The White House. Well, 92 If You Count George Bush.

Mary Keitany From Kenya Won The Women's Race At The New York City Marathon. You Can Tell She Was Fast Because Guys On The Street Didn't Even Have Time To Finish Their Catcalls.

Newt Gingrich Is Against Same-sex Marriage. Well, Actually, He's Against Same-marriage Sex.

You're Not Really Drinking Coffee Unless You Drink It Black, Don't You Think? Oh, No? You Like To Monkey With It?

I Pulled A Hamstring During The New York City Marathon. An Hour Into The Race, I Jumped Off The Couch.

I Like That Sarah Palin. She Looks Like The Flight Attendant Who Won't Give You A Second Can Of Pepsi ... She Looks Like The Nurse Who Weighs You And Then Makes You Sit Alone In Your Underwear For 20 Minutes ... She Looks Like A Real Estate Agent Whose Picture You See On The Bus Stop Bench ... She Looks Like The Hygienist Who Makes You Feel Guilty About Not Flossing ... She Looks Like The Relieved Mom In A Tide Commercial.

Osama Bin Laden Has Ten Look-alikes To Fool Us Americans. Ten Look-alikes, And He's Married To Five Of Them.

I Had No Idea This Thing Was Televised. Boy, Is My Face Red.

Howard Dean Was Endorsed By Former Vice President Al Gore And Now He Is Getting Advice From Al Gore. And I'm Thinking, Who Better To Give Advice Than The Guy Who Couldn't Even Get Elected With The Most Votes?

Scientists Have Proven Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt That There Is Life After Death -- Though They Say It's Virtually Impossible To Get Decent Chinese Food.

Mitt Romney Is Quite A Guy. At One Point He And His Wife Bought A Zoo And Fired All The Animals.

President Obama Says He Wants To Put An End To The Policy, 'don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, In The Military. This Is Not To Be Confused With George Bush's Policy, 'don't Know, Don't Care.' That's A Whole Different Deal.

I Heard Doctors Revived A Man Who Had Been Dead For 4-1/2 Minutes. When They Asked Him What It Was Like Being Dead, He Said It Was Like Listening To Yankees Announcer Phil Rizzuto During A Rain Delay.

And Tar Is Washing Up Onto The Beaches - Big Globs Of Tar. And People Are Saying, 'is That Going To Ruin Our Summer At The Beach?' No, Of Course Not. You Take The Big Blobs Of Tar And You Use Them To Hold Down Your Blanket.

Pamela Anderson Is A Great Dancer Considering She Can't See Her Feet.

Don't Worry. It's Just A Flesh Wound.

Newt Gingrich Had A Horrible Week In The Iowa Caucuses. Only 13 Percent Of His Ex-wives Voted For Him.

Here's Why Sarah Palin Says She Won't Be Running For President. She Says She Can Be More Effective At Getting Others Elected By Not Running. And I Thought, Well, That's True, Because In 2008 She Got Obama Elected.

Vladimir Putin Said The Tanks That You See Rolling Through The Streets Are Just Part Of The Closing Ceremonies Of The Olympics.

Barack Obama Is Putting His Team Together To Take Over The Administration. So Far, He's Got His Mother-in-law, Who Is Going To Be Living With Him, And They Are Talking About Hillary For Secretary Of State. You Have Your Mother-in-law And Hillary Clinton. Sounds Like Smooth Sailing To Me.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Met With President Bush. It's Amazing If You Think About It. It Was The Terminator And The One-term-inator.

Some Good News. Finally, President Bush Is Going To Do Something About Global Warming. He Became Alarmed When Another Chunk Of Ice Fell Off His Mother.

Sarah Palin Made Her Debut As A Fox News Analyst. They Finally Found A Job That She's Not Under-qualified For.

I Know You're On The Atkins Diet, But Could You Stop Eating Bacon During Sex?

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Has New Balloons This Year Including The Pillsbury Doughboy Balloon And The First Openly Gay Balloon. Also The Thomas Tank Engine Balloon, And They Even Have The Ebola Nurse Balloon.

The Post Office Is Raising The Price Of Stamps Again. I Heard That And Said To Myself, 'if Only There Was An Inexpensive Electronic Way Of Communicating.'

Yesterday Was Chinese New Year. It's The Year Of The Rabbit. And Here's How Dumb I Am. I'm Still Writing The Year Of The Pig On My Checks.

President Obama Is Sending Troops Back To Iraq. He Said, 'don't Worry, We Should Not Be There Any Longer Than A Kardashian Marriage.'

Gays Are Now Allowed To Serve Openly In The Military. So Maybe Our Next War Could Be A Musical.

Cbs News Finally Received Anthrax In The Mail. As Usual, We're Number Three.

Now There Are Reports That Osama Bin Laden Would Like To Commit Suicide On Television. This Is The Kind Of Lead-in I Have Been Praying For Every Since I Came To Cbs. Bin Laden Is Planning A Televised Suicide Or, As I Call It, Hosting The Academy Awards.

The Winner Of The Westminster Dog Show Gets To Drink Champagne - Out Of The Toilet.

Honey, What Happened To "ladies First"? Husband Replies, "that's The Reason Why The Worlds A Mess Today, Because A Lady Went First!"

I Worry About Rick Perry. One, He's Too Conservative, Two, His Debating Skills. And Three ... Oh Crap, What Was Three?

The United States Has Launched Airstrikes Against Isis. It's Being Called 'operation Approval Ratings.'

Approval Rating

At The Apple Store, The People Waiting In Line For The Iphone 6 Were Trampled By The People Waiting For The Iphone 7.

Waiting In Line

There's No Business Like Show Business, But There Are Several Businesses Like Accounting.

We Inadvertently Bombed The Chinese Embassy. But Clinton Now Is Working Very Hard. He Has Sent A Letter Of Apology To The Chinese. And, He's Also Given Them A Gift Certificate For Future Nuclear Secrets.

Working Very Hard

The Latest Polls Show That Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante In The Polls. That's Insane. I Mean, Think About It, This Guy Cruz Bustamante Has Never Even Been In A Movie.

Mitt Romney Said He's Not Concerned About The Very Poor. What He Means Is People Making Less Than A Million.

A Small Handgun Makes Any Tv Remote Control.

We Are Starting To Learn More About Osama Bin Laden. For His Birthday One Year, Somebody Gave Him A $4 Timex. We Know That. He Is Married To The Daughter Of A Guy Named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I Think Her Name Is Tiffany Omar. Insiders Say That The Marriage Is Not Working Out. Apparently They Are Living In Separate Caves.

Mitt Romney Looks Like An American President In A Canadian Movie.

American President

Here's My Problem. On Valentine's Day The Flowers Are Wilting And So Am I.

Valentine's Day Money-saving Tips: Break Up On February 13th, Get Back Together On The 15th. In Place Of Bubble Bath, Use Lavender-scented Dish-washing Liquid. Forget Rose Petals. Sprinkle The Bed With Sliced Beets!

President Bush Is Going To Establish Elections There In Iraq. He's Going To Rebuild The Infrastructure. He's Going To Create Jobs. He Said If It Works There, He'll Try It Here.

Congratulations To Saddam Hussein On Being Elected To Another Seven-year Term. It Was Very Close. He Received 99 Percent Of The Vote, And One Percent Of The Vote Went For Last-minute Candidate Frank Lautenberg.

Congratulations

President Obama, By The Way, Is, I Think, Making His First Presidential European Trip. And While He's There In Europe, He Plans To Fire The Ceo's Of Bmw And Volkswagen.

You All Know Newt Gingrich. Newt Is Short For Newton. People Say If That's The Case, What Is Mitt Short For? It's Short For 'mittens.'

If I Can Be Serious Now, And I Have The Feeling I Can.

I'll Be 50 Years Old Tomorrow And That Means, Among Other Things, That Now Bob Dole Can Start Telling Jokes About Me.

Holyfield Won The Fight. It's Not The First Time Romney Has Been Knocked Out By A Black Guy.

The Mars Polar Lander Has Been Quieter Than George W. Bush After A Foreign Policy Question.

My Political Position Is That I'm Happy To Be Alive And In North America.

Ted Kennedy Is Endorsing John Kerry And I'm Wondering, Do You Really Want The Endorsement Of A Guy With A Bloody Mary Mustache?

I Wouldn't Give My Troubles To A Monkey On A Rock.

At The White House, They Caught Another Fence Jumper Earlier Today. It Was Obama Trying To Get Out.

Next In Importance To Having A Good Aim Is To Recognize When To Pull The Trigger.

Did You Hear About This Genius That Got On A Plane And Set Fire To His Feet? Turns Out He Had Bombs In His Shoes And The Problem All Started When The Flight Attendants Asked Him Nicely To Extinguish His Feet. He Was Wearing Exploding Sneakers. The New Nike Air-jihads!

Did You Hear What The Republicans Have Said About Hillary Clinton? They Say She's Too Angry To Be President. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, Too Angry To Be President. When She Heard This, Hillary Said, 'oh Yeah? I'll Rip Your Throats Out, You Bastards.'

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe That Businesses Should Not Be Allowed To Make Profits For Themselves. They Need To Break Even And Give The Rest Away To The Government For Redistribution As The Democrat Party Sees Fit.

I Vote Democrat Because Freedom Of Speech Is Fine As Long As Nobody Is Offended By It.

Freedom Of Speech

Those North Korean Hackers Are At It Again. Earlier Today They Leaked Santa's Naughty List.

When You Go To The Mind Reader, Do You Get Half Price?

What We Know About Osama Bin Laden Is This: He's Worth $300 Million, He Has Five Wives And Twenty-six Kids -- And He Hates Americans For Their "excessive" Lifestyle.

Iraq's Elite Republican Guard Is Doing So Badly They're Changing Their Name To The Democratic Guard.

I Mean You Think About The Guy, The Nigerian Guy, Who Was Going To Blow Up The Plane. He Was Wearing A Pair Of Fruit Of The Lunatic. ... Guy Was Not Too Bright. He Said That The Reason He Became A Suicide Bomber Was To Work His Way Up In The Al Qaeda Organization.

When I Was A Kid In Indiana, We Thought It Would Be Fun To Get A Turkey A Year Ahead Of Time And Feed It And So On For The Following Thanksgiving. But By The Time Thanksgiving Came Around, We Sort Of Thought Of The Turkey As A Pet, So We Ate The Dog. Only Kidding. It Was The Cat!

This Isn't Brain Surgery; It's Just Television.

President Bush Says He Needs A Month Off To Unwind. Unwind? When The Hell Does This Guy Wind?

Labour Day Is A Great American Holiday That People Celebrate By Going Out And Buying Products Made In China

Don't Use Your Bedroom For Work, Unless You're A Prostitute.

Halloween Is The Beginning Of The Holiday Shopping Season. That's For Women. The Beginning Of The Holiday Shopping Season For Men Is Christmas Eve.

United Airlines: Passengers Are Our Worst Enemy. We're Not Too Fond Of Luggage Either.

I Don't Like Stand-up Comedy That Requires A Lot Of Props. I Really Respect People Who Can Walk Out Onstage Alone And With No Other Tool But Their Own Minds And Can Make You Laugh And Maybe Even Think A Little.

How About That Oil Slick In The Gulf Of Mexico. And You Know, The Oil Slick Is Going Everywhere. So The Next Time Somebody Lands On The Hudson, It Won't Be That Big A Deal.

As You Know Now, Rush Limbaugh Is The New Face Of The Republican Party, But They'll Probably Go With A Different Body.

John Walker, While He Was In Afghanistan, Told People His Goal Was To Have Four Wives. ... Do We Need Any Further Proof That This Guy Is Out Of His Mind? Four Wives? That's How Al Qaeda Gets You To Become A Suicide Bomber.

Hillary's Trying To Appear Downhome. Earlier Today She Was Sitting On The Front Porch Of A General Store Whittling A Pantsuit.

I've Had Nothing But Great Friendship To Help Me Through This.

Great Friendship

Former President Bill Clinton Is On The Program Tonight. He Says That While His Wife Runs For President, He Would Like To Stay Out Of The Limelight. Well, He's Certainly Come To The Right Place. He'll Be Fine Here.

It Was So Cold In New York City Today That The Statue Of Liberty Had Her Torch Under Her Dress.

Everyone Has This Sense Of Togetherness Right Now. For Example, One Guy On The Subway Today, He Wanted To Share My Pants.

I Was Once Involved In A Same-sex Marriage. There Was The Same Sex Over And Over And Over.

President Obama Is Sending A Couple Hundred Troops To Iraq. We Spent Six Years Trying To Figure A Way To Get Out Of Iraq. And Now We're Back. But This Time There Is An Exit Strategy. Barack Obama Has An Exit Strategy. In 2016, He's Gone.

Why We Are Here: To Tremble At The Terrible Beauty Of The Stars, To Shed A Tear At The Perfection Of Beethoven's Symphonies, And To Crack A Cold One Now And Then.

Hookers In Times Square, God Bless 'em, Are Offering A Mitt Romney Special. For An Extra $20 They'll Change Positions.

Last Month Mitt Romney Raised $76 Million. He Found It In An Old Sport-coat Pocket.

Now How About This, Ladies And Gentlemen? The Governor Of Alaska, Sarah Palin, Has Announced She Is Stepping Down. She Will No Longer Be The Governor Of Alaska. First Thing, She Woke Up And Went Out On Her Porch And Waved Goodbye To Russia.

You Can't Eat Tomatoes Because They're Tainted With Deadly Salmonella. First There Was Tainted Lettuce. Now, Tainted Tomatoes. Who Would Have Thought That The Healthiest Part Of A B.l.t. Would Be The Bacon?

Have You Seen A Copy Of Tax Tips For Billionaires?

St. Patrick's Day Is The Fourth Biggest Drinking Day In America. It's Not The Biggest. It's Right Behind New Year's Eve, Fourth Of July, Or Any Secret Service Party.

Here In New York City, It's Cold. It's So Cold The Republicans Want To Use The Keystone Pipeline To Deliver Soup.

Keystone Pipeline

According To A New Survey, People Who Get Divorced Die Early. People Who Stay Married Live Longer. The Difference Is They Just Wish They Were Dead.

President Bush Says Now He Is Sticking To His Plan For Handing Over Power To The Iraqis On June 30. It's Also Part Of His Plan To Hand Over Power To John Kerry On January 20.

Lesbians Have Never Been More Popular.

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