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Two Things You Need To Know About Taxes. They've Extended The Deadline To April 18, And When You Write Your Check, Just Make It Out To China.

-David Letterman

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Two Things You Need

David Letterman

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Two Things You Need To Know About Taxes. They've Extended The Deadline To April 18, And When You Write Your Check, Just Make It Out To China.

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Congratulations

Wedding Anniversary

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Rick Perry Has Now Accused Mitt Romney Of Hiring Illegal Aliens To Work On His Hair.

There Was A Flight From Cleveland To New York City With Just Two People On Board. There Hasn't Been Two People On An Airplane Since The Wright Brothers.

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Number One: Don't Frisk Me. Don't Hurt Me Physically. Don't Get Anywhere Near My Neck. And Don't Call Me Regis.

What We Know About Osama Bin Laden Is This: He's Worth $300 Million, He Has Five Wives And Twenty-six Kids -- And He Hates Americans For Their "excessive" Lifestyle.

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Tip To Out-of-town Visitors. If You Buy Something Here In New York And You Want To Have It Shipped Home, Be Suspicious If The Clerk Tells You They Don't Need Your Name And Address.

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I Was Once Involved In A Same-sex Marriage. There Was The Same Sex Over And Over And Over.

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The White House Has Now Put Together A Website For Kids. It's A Website To Teach Kids How To Manage A Budget Responsibly. The Website Is Called ' Irony.gov. '

President Bush Says He Now Wants To Simplify The Tax Code. Only Those In The Blue States Will Pay.

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There Is So Much Oil Now In The Gulf Of Mexico, And You Can Thank The Folks Of British Petroleum For This, So Much Oil In The Gulf, You Can Now Park On It.

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Finally We Got Some Good News About The Economy. Barack Obama Got $800 Billion To Rescue The Economy. All I Can Say Is, 'thank You, Oprah.'

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Airport Screeners Are Now Scanning Holiday Fruitcakes. Not Even The Scanners Can Tell What Those Little Red Things Are.

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Approval Rating

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Russian Economy

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Sarah Palin Made Her Debut As A Fox News Analyst. They Finally Found A Job That She's Not Under-qualified For.

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When I Was A Kid In Indiana, We Thought It Would Be Fun To Get A Turkey A Year Ahead Of Time And Feed It And So On For The Following Thanksgiving. But By The Time Thanksgiving Came Around, We Sort Of Thought Of The Turkey As A Pet, So We Ate The Dog. Only Kidding. It Was The Cat!

Rick Perry Is Now Saying He Thinks That Barack Obama's Birth Certificate Is Fake. I Think Perry May Have Faked His Driver's License.

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Osama Bin Laden

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A Pair Of Ruby Red Slippers Worn By Judy Garland In The Wizard Of Oz Have Been Stolen. The Thief Is Described As Being Armed And Fabulous.

Bp Has Put More Birds In Oil Than Colonel Sanders.

They Found A Cave Once Lived In By Osama Bin Laden And The Only Thing In The Cave Were Some Boxer Undershorts, And Macaroni. I'm Telling You, You Add An Old Stack Of Playboys, This Could Be My Place. It's Like I Have A Twin.

Every Day We Learn More And More About This Wacky Osama Bin Laden. He Lives In A Cave And At One Time He Was A Womanizer. But Now He Has Settled Down With His Five Wives And 26 Kids, So That's Now All Over. ... He Also Had A Drinking Problem At One Time. I Believe He Went Through 'jihab'

I Went To The Beach A Couple Of Times In New York City. Tough Summer Out There, But I Was Pretty Excited. I Found What I Thought At The Time Was A Very Rare Seashell. And I Took It To A Friend Of Mine Who Works In A Museum. And I Was Really Disappointed. It Turned Out To Be Just A Human Ear.

Al Gore Has Endorsed Howard Dean For President. That's Pretty Fitting, The Guy That Didn't Beat Bush Endorsing The Guy Who Won't Beat Bush.

Here's My Problem. On Valentine's Day The Flowers Are Wilting And So Am I.

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Halloween Is The Beginning Of The Holiday Shopping Season. That's For Women. The Beginning Of The Holiday Shopping Season For Men Is Christmas Eve.

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It Looks Like President Bush Will Be Handing Over Power To The Iraqis By June 30th. That's Amazing And Not Only That, But It Looks Like He'll Be Handing Over Power To The Democrats By November 2nd.

In The Last 48 Hours King Abdullah From Saudi Arabia Passed Away. I Have A Moral Dilemma. The King Passed Away Three Or Four Days Ago. Is It Too Soon To Hit On Queen Latifah?

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The Cia Special Unit That Was Searching For Osama Bin Laden Has Been Disbanded. So I Guess, Mission Accomplished.

Osama Bin Laden

Congratulations To Chelsea Clinton. Over The Weekend, She Gave Birth To A Baby Girl. The Baby Girl Will Not Confirm Or Deny Whether She's Running In 2056.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe Oil Companies Profits Of 4% On A Gallon Of Gas Are Obscene, But The Government Taxing The Same Gallon At 15% Isn't.

Donald Trump Is Talking About Running For President. He Hasn't Made An Announcement, But I Want To Tell You Something. The Fake Suspense Is Killing Me.

Last Month Mitt Romney Raised $76 Million. He Found It In An Old Sport-coat Pocket.

Love: You Can't Start It Like A Car, You Can't Stop It With A Gun.

Mitt Romney Looks Like An American President In A Canadian Movie.

American President

The Democrats Were Crushed In The Midterm Elections. The Republican Juggernaut Pounded The Democrats, And The Pundits Say They Will Not Really Know What Happened To The Democrats Until They Find The Black Box.

Father's Day: When You Get That Lethal Combination Of Alcohol And New Power Tools.

Humans Are The Only Animal Who Can Have Sex Over The Phone.

President Obama's Trying To Work Out A Nuclear Deal With Iran, And The Republicans Are Steamed. They Got Together And Sent Iran A Letter About The Nuclear Deal. They Said If This Doesn't Work, By God, They're Going To Send Seth Rogen And James Franco.

Enron Ceo Kenneth Lay Has Apparently Just Slipped Across The Border Into Pakistan.

John Mccain Said That Sarah Palin Is Still A Force In The Republican Party. Then He Got In His Car And Backed Over His Mailbox.

Here In New York City, It's Cold. It's So Cold The Republicans Want To Use The Keystone Pipeline To Deliver Soup.

Keystone Pipeline

Mitt Romney Was A Guest On 'the Tonight Show' On Nbc. It's Interesting — You Have An Empty Suit Trying To Please Everyone, And Then Romney Comes Out.

The New 'mad Max' Movie Takes Place In A Post-apocalyptic World. I Have A Small Part In 'mad Max.' I Play The Old Geezer Who Remembers What Steak Tasted Like.

I Think The One Thing I Would Point To As A Primary Reason, Basically, Is That I Was A Gigantic Ass, ... It's The First Time I Got Dumped In My Life.

According To The Recent Polls, Bush Has A Slight Lead Over John Kerry. So Today, Bush Hung A Banner Over The White House Saying, 'mission Accomplished.'

I've Had Nothing But Great Friendship To Help Me Through This.

Great Friendship

New Orleans: The Least Annoying French Place On Earth.

It's Two Days Until Tax Time. I Know It's Late, But There Is Still Time To Deduct This Show As A Loss.

The Issue Of Gay Marriage Has Reached The Supreme Court And Observers Are Analyzing Every Detail To Predict How Each Justice Will Vote. Experts Say Chief Justice John Roberts Is Likely To Rule In Favor Of Gay Marriage Based On The Fact That He Spent Tuesday's Hearings Watching The Tony Award Nominations.

Don't Worry. It's Just A Flesh Wound.

Congratulations To Saddam Hussein On Being Elected To Another Seven-year Term. It Was Very Close. He Received 99 Percent Of The Vote, And One Percent Of The Vote Went For Last-minute Candidate Frank Lautenberg.

Congratulations

I Believe I Have Voted For Both Democrats And Republicans. Am I Either One? Absolutely Not. Ladies And Gentlemen, I Am An American.

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Don't Kid Yourself. Global Warming Is No Joke. Here's How Serious Global Warming Has Gotten To Be In The United States. In This Country Global Warming Is So Bad, We Are Now Actually Starting To Warm Up To Barry Bonds.

North Korean Dictator Kim Jung Il May Be Stepping Down. Yeah, Experts In The State Department Say He Could Be Replaced By His Son, Menta Li Ill.

You Folks Feeling The Economic Pinch? Are You A Little Fed Up With The Economic News? It's Bad. The Department Stores, This Holiday Season, No Santa Claus. They're Laying Off Department-store Santa Clauses. So More Bad News For John Mccain.

It's Disappointing When You Finally Get To Meet Someone You Admire And He Conducts Himself As A Jerk.

As You Know Now, Rush Limbaugh Is The New Face Of The Republican Party, But They'll Probably Go With A Different Body.

I Think The Number One Public-relations Blunder Osama Has Made Is That He Lives In A Cave-fortress And If There's One Thing We've Learned From It's That You Can't Trust A Guy Who Lives In A Cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm Telling You The List Goes On.

Mitt Romney Said That He Liked To Fire People. Well, There's A Pretty Good Message To Send To Middle America. When Rick Perry Heard That, He Said, 'well That's Nothing. I Like To Execute People.'

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Now All Of Us Can Talk To The Nsa -- Just By Dialing Any Number.

I Saw A Robin Redbreast In Central Park Today, But It Turned Out To Be A Sparrow With An Exit Wound.

Sarah Palin Had A Big Op-ed Piece In The Wall Street Journal, And She Said She's Against Death Panels. And I Thought, 'really? She's The One Who Pulled The Plug On The Mccain Campaign.'

I'll Be 50 Years Old Tomorrow And That Means, Among Other Things, That Now Bob Dole Can Start Telling Jokes About Me.

President Obama And His Wife Are Going To Kenya. Donald Trump Said, 'while You're There, Pick Up Your Birth Certificate.'

Because Utah Is Largely Mormon Country, The Firing Squad's A Little Different. You're Blindfolded But No Cigarette.

In A Recent Interview, Howard Dean Admitted That He Used To Drink And Smoke Pot. So, Now All He Needs To Put Him Over The Top Is A Sex Scandal.

Did You Hear This? They Say Now Osama Bin Laden And His Buddy Mullah Omar Have Left Afghanistan Dressed As Women. They Dressed Up As Women And Went Across The Border Into Pakistan. I Think They're Going To Make A Movie About It. They're Going To Call It 'some Like It Jihad.'

Jeb Bush May Run For President. Bush Presidencies Are Like 'caddyshack' Movies. They Should Have Stopped With One.

President Obama Went To India, South Korea, Then Japan. He's Going To Keep Travelling Until He Finds His Birth Certificate.

People Say New Yorkers Can't Get Along. Not True. I Saw Two New Yorkers, Complete Strangers, Sharing A Cab. One Guy Took The Tires And The Radio; The Other Guy Took The Engine.

They Figured Out A Way To Control That Hamburger Disease. You Dip The Hamburger Into The Scalding Hot Coffee Before Eating.

The Entire Island Of Martha's Vineyard Has Gone Obama Crazy. There's Even A Cocktail That They've Named After Barack Obama. It's Called The Obamarita. Not To Be Confused With A Cocktail Inspired By John Mccain, The Cosmopoligrip. And Then There Was One A Couple Of Years Ago Inspired By George W. Bush, The Mojidiot. Of Course, There Was The Bill Clinton Screwdriver.

I Knew That If I Woke Up Hung Over, I Couldn't Do The Best Possible Job On The Show, So I Had To Quit. Also, I'd Consumed A Lot Of Beer For A Lot Of Years, And I Thought, That's Enough. I've Had My Fun And I'm Glad I Quit.

Because You Think An Explosion Has Taken Place And You're Looking At The Shards And You Say, 'well, Can We Put This Back Together?' And By God, Maybe You Can Put It Back Together. And Maybe It Won't Be The Same, But Maybe It Will Be Different, And Maybe It Can Even Be Better In A Different Way.

Everybody Was Upset That Vladimir Putin Was Missing. He Was In Switzerland With His Girlfriend. She Had A Baby In Switzerland Because In Russia Childbirth Is Not Covered By Putin-care.

Stocks Are At An All-time High Today. I Don't Have Any Money In The Stock Market. I Don't Have The Stomach For The Ups And Downs. So About 20 Years Ago I Put All Of My Money And Liquid Assets Into Videotape Rewind Machines.

President Obama Is Going To Take Two Weeks To Unwind, As Opposed To President Bush, Who Never Wound.

Fifteen Years Ago Tomorrow I Had Open Heart Surgery, A Quintuple Bypass Surgery. Thanks To All Of My Doctors. Because Of Them, In 15 Years Of Life I've Been Able To Experience, Well, Acid Reflux, Short-term Memory Loss, And Erectile Dysfunction. Thanks For All Your Work. It's Great To Be Alive.

I'd Do A Podcast About Guys Wearing Shorts When It's Too Cold.

Former President Bill Clinton Is On The Program Tonight. He Says That While His Wife Runs For President, He Would Like To Stay Out Of The Limelight. Well, He's Certainly Come To The Right Place. He'll Be Fine Here.

Cbs News Finally Received Anthrax In The Mail. As Usual, We're Number Three.

Hillary Clinton Is Running For President. This Time Around, She Promises To Be Warm And Approachable. Like Me.

President Obama Is Sending A Couple Hundred Troops To Iraq. We Spent Six Years Trying To Figure A Way To Get Out Of Iraq. And Now We're Back. But This Time There Is An Exit Strategy. Barack Obama Has An Exit Strategy. In 2016, He's Gone.

The Mayor Of Sochi Is Now Saying That There Are No Gay People In Sochi. So The Only Thing That Is Flaming Over There Now Is The Olympic Torch.

Newt Gingrich Says He Wants To Get Rid Of Social Security. Who Is More Qualified To Give This Country Financial Advice Than A Guy Who Ran Up A Half-million Dollar Bill At Tiffany?

Did You Hear What The Republicans Have Said About Hillary Clinton? They Say She's Too Angry To Be President. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, Too Angry To Be President. When She Heard This, Hillary Said, 'oh Yeah? I'll Rip Your Throats Out, You Bastards.'

George W. Said He Doesn't Watch Television. And, Of Course, Well - The Reason For That Is The Clintons Stole The White House Satellite System.

Instead Of Reading Vows At The Wedding Ceremony, They Read Hacked Sony Emails.

Sunday Is The Academy Awards. Every Time An Actor Says, 'i Didn't Expect This,' Ruth Bader Ginsburg Will Do A Shot.

If You Didn’t Believe It Before — And It’s Easy To Understand How You Might Have Been Sceptical On This Point — If You Didn’t Believe It Before, You Can Absolutely Believe It Now: New York City Is The Greatest City In The World.

Cities In The World

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New York City Has 2 Million Rats. We Used To Have 8 Million Rats. Now We're Down To 2 Million. You Know What That Means? We Lose Four Electoral Votes.

Let's Have Some Wine, Go Upstairs, And Look At My Money.

Osama Bin Laden... Lived In One House For, Like, Six Years With Three Wives. And Earlier Today, They Ruled His Death Was A Suicide.

I Spend Most Of My Free Time Under The House.

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Way Too Much Coffee. But If It Weren't For The Coffee, I'd Have No Identifiable Personality Whatsoever.

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Here In New York City You Can Now Walk Around Smoking Weed And All They Will Do If They See You Is Write You A Ticket. Unfortunately, The Ticket Will Be To A Jets Game.

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