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Yeah, This Country's Founding Fathers Are A Bunch Of Dead Rich White Men, But They Did Set Things Up So You Could Come And Sit At The Table, So Don't Piss In The Finger Bowls, All Right? Thank You. In Return For Unfettered Economic Opportunity And No Government Death Squads, Try To Get Along With Your New Stepmotherland, And Don't Be Resentful If There's A Set Of House Rules Already In Place.

-Dennis Miller

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Yeah, This Country's Founding

Dennis Miller

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Yeah, This Country's Founding Fathers Are A Bunch Of Dead Rich White Men, But They Did Set Things Up So You Could Come And Sit At The Table, So Don't Piss In The Finger Bowls, All Right? Thank You. In Return For Unfettered Economic Opportunity And No Government Death Squads, Try To Get Along With Your New Stepmotherland, And Don't Be Resentful If There's A Set Of House Rules Already In Place.

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I Find It Shocking That Anybody Can Be Brought Down In D.c. For Gossip, Ostensibly. I Thought That Was The Coin Of The Realm There. That's Like Getting Hit With Lightning On A Cloudless Day.

There's No Doubt About It, Show Business Lures The People Who Didn't Get Enough Love, Attention, Or Approval Early In Life And Have Grown Up To Become Bottomless, Gaping Vessels Of Terrifying, Abject Need. Please Laugh.

Xenophobia Doesn't Benefit Anybody Unless You're Playing High-stakes Scrabble.

The White House Again Refused To Turn Over Discussions Vice President Cheney Had With Enron Officials Over Energy Policy. Cheney Said If He Had To Disclose Every Time Some Business Donated A Ton Of Money Then Came In To Write Its Own Policy To Govern Itself, He Wouldn't Get Any Work Done.

I'm Left On A Lot Of Things. If Two Gay Guys Want To Get Married, I Could Care Less. If A Nut Case From Overseas Wants To Blow Up Their Wedding, That's When I'm Right.

Homosexuals Are Entering The Mainstream, Because They're Becoming As Boring And As Tedious As Any Other Splinter Group.

And Quit Bringing Up Our Forefathers And Saying They Were Civil Libertarians. Our Founding Fathers Would Have Never Tolerated Any Of This Crap. For God's Sake, They Were Blowing Peoples' Heads Off Because They Put A Tax On Their Breakfast Beverage. And It Wasn't Even Coffee.

Twitter! Never Have Lives Been Less Lived And More Chronicled!

My Fear Of Flying Starts As Soon As I Buckle Myself In And Then The Guy Up Front Mumbles A Few Unintelligible Words Then Before I Know It I'm Thrust Into The Back Of My Seat By Acceleration That Seems Way Too Fast And The Rest Of The Trip Is An Endless Nightmare Of Turbulence, Of Near Misses. And Then The Cabbie Drops Me Off At The Airport.

The Easiest Job In The World Has To Be Coroner. Surgery On Dead People. What's The Worst Thing That Could Happen? If Everything Went Wrong, Maybe You'd Get A Pulse.

The Man Who Accused Richard Simmons Of Slapping Him In An Airport Has Dropped The Assault Charge. Dropped It! Upon Hearing The News, Simmons Sadly Responded, "you Mean I'm Not Going To Prison?"

It's A Cocktail-party Circuit In D.c., That Guy Who Couldn't Master The Guitar And Get In A Band And Get Laid, He Ends Up There. Gary Condit Make Sense To Me. He's Away From His Family, He's In D.c. - If He Was A Car Dealer In The [san Fernando] Valley Somewhere Out There, He'd Be The Guy Who Was Trying To Get Laid By Offering You The Free Undercoating Package.

Parenting Is The Easiest Job To Get - You Just Have To Screw Up Once And It's Yours.

Some People Like M&ms Plain, And Some People Like Them With Nuts.

Two Wrongs May Not Make A Right, But A Thousand Wrongs Make A Writer.

Joan Rivers Telling Lauren Bacall Her Dress Is All Wrong Is Like Carrot Top Telling Lenny Bruce He Needs To Get An Edge.

It Takes Zero Politically Correct People To Screw In A Lightbulb Because They Are Perpetually In The Dark.

The Second Type You Have At These Parades Seems To Be The People Who Want To Mislabel Hitler. Everybody In The World Is Hitler. Bush Is Hitler, Ashcroft Is Hitler, Rumsfeld Is Hitler. The Only Guy Who Isn't Hitler Is The Foreign Guy With A Mustache Dropping People Who Disagree With Him Into The Wood Chipper. He's Not Hitler.

The Mexican People I Know Seem To Respect The Country In A Way That Many Spoiled Brats Who Were Born Here Don't. So Come On Over Folks, The More The Merrier. But Please, Sign The Guest Book On The Way In.

The Current Tax Code Is Harder To Understand Than Bob Dylan Reading Finnegans Wake In A Wind Tunnel.

Why Should I Hate Someone On The Basis Of Their Religion, When I Can Take A Little Time To Get To Know Them And Hate Them For A Myriad Of Real Reasons.

I Don't Know What I Think Of George W. Bush When He First Got In, But I've Grown Fond Of The Man, And Maybe It's The Times We Live In. They Say He's Not An Environmentalist. But Every Time I See His Ranch On Tv, It Looks Pretty Nice. You Know Something, If We All Took Care Of Our Own, We'd Have A Great Environment.

President Bush Gave His First-ever Presidential Radio Address In Both English And Spanish. Reaction Was Mixed, However, As People Were Trying To Figure Out Which One Was Which.

Bad Television Is Three Things: A Bullet Train To A Morally Bankrupt Youth, A Slow Spiral Into An Intellectual Void, And Of Course, A Complete Blast To Watch.

Of Course, That's Just My Opinion. I Could Be Wrong.

Laughter Is One Of The Great Beacons In Life Because We Don't Refract It By Gunning It Through Our Intellectual Prism. What Makes Us Laugh Is A Mystery - An Involuntary Response.

Trends Don't Mean Anything To Me. If I Like Something, I'll Do It. If I Don't, I Won't Do It, And I Wouldn't Care If Everybody In The Country Mocked Me.

Born Again?! No, I'm Not. Excuse Me For Getting It Right The First Time.

Never Ever Discount The Idea Of Marriage. Sure, Someone Might Tell You That Marriage Is Just A Piece Of Paper. Well, So Is Money, And What's More Life-affirming Than Cold, Hard Cash?

It's Your Living Room, It's Your Life, Go Nuts. You Like Home Improvement? Tape It And Go Over It Like It's The Zapruder Film.

Half The People I Look Who Are Health Food Addicts Look Sickly To Me. Let's Start Taxing Health Food. Somebody Force A Burger Down Some Of These People's Jaw Because They Look A Little Pale And Wan To Me.

I Am Proof That Einstein's "e Equals M C Squared" Is Wrong. My Mass Has Increased, But My Energy Has Dropped.

Yeah, This Country's Founding Fathers Are A Bunch Of Dead Rich White Men, But They Did Set Things Up So You Could Come And Sit At The Table, So Don't Piss In The Finger Bowls, All Right? Thank You. In Return For Unfettered Economic Opportunity And No Government Death Squads, Try To Get Along With Your New Stepmotherland, And Don't Be Resentful If There's A Set Of House Rules Already In Place.

The Claim That Somehow Raw Foods Give You Better Energy, Are More Healthful, Improve Your Immune System And All Of That Is Simply Not Substantiated. And Moreover, It's Not Biologically Plausible.

I Had Fun Pretending To Be A Sportscaster. People Always Think That Was A Down Thing For Me. I Had The Best Job In Sports Broadcasting For Two Years.

Maybe Democrats Will Eventually Turn On Obamacare When They Realize You Might Need A Photo I.d. To Participate In The Program.

I've Grown Fonder For Hillary Clinton Since She Ran For The Presidency. I Think That It's Emblematic Of The Rolling Stones Song, You Can't Always Get What You Want, I.e., The Grail. Sometimes You Get What You Need. And Whatever She's Gotten Over The Last Couple Of Years, Being Humbled Or Be It Being Humbled And See The Proletariat Come To Bat For Her, Getting Outside Of The Bubble, Getting Out Of This Man's Shadow, Not Quite Getting The Job She Wants But A Great Wonk Job.

In The Late Twentieth Century, Staying Sober Has Become Just As Much An Addiction As Getting Wasted.

The Average American's Day Planner Has Fewer Holes In It Than Ray Charles's Dart Board.

That Field Goal Attempt Was So Far To The Left It Nearly Decapitated Lyndon Larouche.

Branson, Missouri, Is Vegas For People With No Teeth.

Big Deal, So He Scored. The Last Time I Saw Someone Dance Like That I Had To Pay Her $20 And Have My Pants Dry Cleaned The Next Day.

A Lot Of People Voting For Pat Buchanan Say They Are Doing So To Send A Message. Apparently That Message Is, 'hey, Look At Me, I'm An Idiot.'

Ah, Feminism In The Nineties, What A What Is Yours What Is Mine Field.

To Me, Nature Always Appears More Unbalanced Than Gary Busey With A Clogged Eustachian Tube.

By And Large, I Think It Should Be A Rule In The Teacher Employment Manual That You Can't Go Attend Any Event Where If You Took Your Classroom On A Student Field Trip, They Would Summarily Be Obliterated. That Should Be Rule No. 1.

Forbes Magazine Has Named Mel Gibson This Year's Most Powerful Celebrity. ... Forbes' Least Powerful Celebrity? [miller Displayed The Widely Circulated Image From The Lynndie England Photographs Of A Hooded Iraqi Prisoner With Wires Attached To His Outstretched Arms] You're Looking At Him. Screw This Guy. ... [he's A] Bad Guy.

With Browns' Ticket Prices What They Are, You Just Know That All Those Dads Who Brought The Entire Family To Sit In The 'dog Pound' Are Secretly Calculating How Much Blood They're Going To Have To Sell Next Week To Put Groceries On The Table.

[the Internet] ... Is An Amazing Communications Tool That's Bringing The Whole World Together. I Mean, You Sit Down To Sign On To America Online In Your Hometown, And It's Just Staggering To Think That At The Same Moment, Halfway Around The World, In China, Someone You've Never Met Is Sitting At Their Computer, Hearing The Exact Same Busy Signal That You're Hearing.

Let Me Use Their Own Terminology Against Them. They Aborted A Child In The 200th Trimester.

Childbirth Is A Wonderful Thing, But The Reality Is That It Can Dramatically Change A Woman's Body. Sui Occurs When The Vaginal Wall Weakens And Cannot Provide Adequate Support To The Urethra, Thus Causing Leaking. The Good News Is That Women With Sui Have Many Different Treatment Options Available To Them.

It's Ironic That In Our Culture Everyone's Biggest Complaint Is About Not Having Enough Time; Yet Nothing Terrifies Us More Than The Thought Of Eternity.

Campaign Analysts Say That Dean Has Produced The Most Innovative Web Site In This Year's Presidential Race. I Particularly Like Today's Blog, Which Consisted Of The Sentence 'i Hate Myself,' Typed Four Billion Times. In Dean's Case, This May Be The First Instance Where The Actually Entity Represented By The Web Site Has Crashed More Often Than The Site Did.

If Some Unemployed Punk In New Jersey, Can Get A Cassette To Make Love To Elle Mcpherson For $19.95, This Virtual Reality Stuff Is Going To Make Crack Look Like Sanka.

Now I Don't Have Anything Against Mexican People, But For God's Sakes, Sign The Gust Book On The Way In.

That Kid's Got An Arm Like Uncle Fester At An Exhibition Of Pre-colombian... Um, Christ, I Lost It. I Was Going For Something Thick. So What's With The Beard, Grizzly Fouts?

There Is A Chalk Outline Slowly Being Drawn Around Common Sense And Most People Can't Identify The Victim.

Martha Stewart Denied Allegations That She Had Been Given Inside Information To Sell 4,000 Shares Of A Stock In A Biotech Firm. Stewart Then Showed Her Audience How To Make A Festive, Quick-burning Yule Log Out Of Freshly-shredded Financial Documents.

Drop The Veneer Periodically And Be Like "ok, I'm An Imperfect Human. Let's Try To Get Through This."

I Would Call The French Scumbags, But That, Of Course, Would Be A Disservice To Bags Filled With Scum. I Say We Invade Iraq, Then Invade Chirac.

Police In Washington D.c. Are Now Using Cameras To Catch Drivers Who Go Through Red Lights. Many Congressmen This Week Opposed The Use Of The Red Light Cameras Incorrectly Assuming They Were Being Used For Surveillance At Local Brothels.

Of *course* He Needs To Renegotiate His Salary - The Guy Buys More Snow Than Seward Did When He Bought Alaska From The Russians.

The Democrats Continue To Snipe At Bush. They'll Never Give It Up To Him. You Know Teddy Kennedy And Tom Daschle Pick More Nits Than A Father And Son Spider Monkey Team Who Know They're Being Followed By A National Geographic Film Crew.

The Only Way The French Are Going In Is If We Tell Them We Found Truffles In Iraq.

Detroit's So Bad This Year They Might Lose Their Bye Week.

I Have A Nice House. And When Somebody Says It's A Palace, I Always Feel Like We're Digging A Little Or Something.

I'm Actually Equal Parts Cynicism And Apathy. I'm Always Willing To Believe The Worst As Long As It Doesn't Take Too Much Effort.

Hey Deion, Bubbelah - Maybe You'd Better Pay A Little Less Attention To Those Unfairly Draconian Salary Caps That Only Allowed You To Acquire Four Of The Five Remaining 1932 Aston Martins Still In Road-worthy Condition After You'd Paid For Life's Little Necessities Like Hookers And Weed, Get Your Medulla Oblongata Out Of Your Duodenum For A Few Milliseconds, And Make A Tackle Or Two, Okay, Babe?

Hey, Cunningham - Andy Warhol Called. You're At 14:55 And We're Tickin' Big-time Here, Chachi.

I Think The American Legal System Sucks Worse Than A Celine Dion Cover Version Of Whole Lotta Love.

The Government Could Take Away All The Drugs In The World And People Would Spin Around On Their Lawns Until They Fell Down And Saw God.

When Your Mother Starts Using The Word "party" As A Verb About Her Kid, That's Absolutely Crazy.

Why Is Electricity So Expensive These Days? Why Does It Cost So Much For Something I Can Make With A Balloon And My Hair?

In Regards To Oral Roberts' Claim That God Told Him That He Would Die Unless He Received $20 Million By March, God's Lawyers Have Stated That Their Client Has Not Spoken With Roberts For Several Years. Off The Record, God Has Stated That 'if I Had Wanted To Ice The Little Toad, I Would Have Done It A Long Time Ago.

Obama Better Hope A Kicked Ass Is Covered By Obamacare.

I Like The Show [factor] Because It's Horny, But It's Not Skeevy. Where Else Are You Going To Get That Nowadays?

I Think [ann Coulter] Understands That, She's Pavlov's Dog. She Gets The Corn Kernel If She Hits That Drum Once In A While.

I Still Feel Pangs Of Remorse Over An Insidious Habit I've Had Since I Was A Teenager. About Three Times A Week, I Attend Estate Auctions And Make Insulting, Low-ball Bids For Prized Heirlooms Until I'm Asked To Leave.

The American Auto Industry Is Blowing Up Like A 1976 Ford Pinto.

A New Poll Shows That Senator Kerry's Support In The South Is Strongest Amongst Blacks. Kerry's Appeal To Southern Blacks Is Obvious. He Is A White Man Who Lives Far, Far Away.

Democratic Candidate John Kerry On Tuesday Chose Fellow Senator John Edwards To Be His Running Mate. Asked About Edwards' Lack Of Foreign Policy Experience, Kerry Revealed His New Campaign Slogan, 'i Promise Not To Die.'

I Don't Need To Be Born Again. I Got It Right The First Time.

Warner Had More Hands In His Face Than An Ob-gyn Delivering Vishnu's Triplets!

The Good Thing About Pittsburgh, It's A Good Place To Be Raised... It Doesn't Tolerate Assholes. You're Either A Good Guy Or You're A Bad Guy... When I'm In Los Angeles Having These Incredibly Surreal Moments Where Nobody's Saying Anything And Everybody's Talking Incessantly, I Always Have That Pittsburgh Voice In My Head - Shut Up, Smile, Get The Job, Move On.

Elected Office Holds More Perks Than Elvis' Nightstand.

South African Schoolchildren Set A World Record This Week By Creating The World's Longest Clothesline. Hey, What Do South Africans Wash Their Clothes With? Apar-tide!

Technology Is Fine. . ., But That Popular Vision Of The Future, Where You Plug Somebody In And Leave Them There And They Don't Get Out And Interact With Actual Flesh-and-blood Humans - You Know The Answer Before I Say It - That's Not Good.

Visions Of The Future

Americans Stick Their Nose Where It Doesn't Belong More Than Cyrano De Bergerac Giving Head.

Wouldn't It Be Great If All Of Osama Bin Laden's Money Was Tied Up In Enron Stock?

Osama Bin Laden

It's Foolish To Be Prejudiced. There Are So Many Reasons To Hate People On An Individual Basis.

Michael Moore Simultaneously Represents Everything I Detest In A Human Being And Everything I Feel Obligated To Defend In An American. Quite Simply, It Is That Stupid Moron's Right To Be That Utterly, Completely Wrong.

A Developer Is Someone Who Wants To Build A House In The Woods. An Environmentalist Is Someone Who Already Has A House In The Woods.

The Punt Returner Got Smacked Like Nancy Kerrigan's Knee On Souvenir Pipe Night.

When I Said 'we', Officer, I Was Referring To Myself, The Four Young Ladies, And, Of Course, The Goat.

I'm Sorry, Those Pictures From The Abu Ghraib. At First, They, Like Infuriated Me, I Was Sad. Then Like, A Couple Days Later, After They Cut The Guy's Head Off, They Didn't Seem Like Much. And Now, I Like To Trade Them With My Friends.

I Think Abortion's Wrong, But It's None Of My Business To Tell Somebody What's Wrong, He Said. So I'm Pro-choice. I Want To Keep My Nose Out Of Other People's Personal Business. I Guess I Fall Into Conservative When It Comes To Protecting The United States In A World Where A Lot Of People Hate The United States.

Lotto Fever Hit New York Again This Week, And Like The Old Saying Goes, 'you Gotta Be In It To Win It'... But First, You Gotta Have A Dead End Job So Pathetic You're Willing To Kill Five Hours Standing In Line For A 1 In 25 Million Chance.

Funny Inspirational

The World Is So Ass-backwards It Almost Makes You Wish You Were Dyslexic.

Then People Ask Me If I'm Worried About The Effects Of Global Warming On My Kids. Well, Obviously I Love My Kids And I Want Them To Live To Be A 100. So That's Another 1.8. My Kids' Kids? Three Point Six. I'll Just Tell Them We Moved To Phoenix.

Now, Personally, I Am Baffled By The Concept Of Racial Prejudice. Why Hate Someone Based On The Color Of Their Skin When, If You Take The Time To Get To Know Them As A Human Being, You Can Find So Many Other Things To Hate Them For?

What Is Guilt? Guilt Is The Pledge Drive Constantly Hammering In Our Heads That Keeps Us From Fully Enjoying The Show. Guilt Is The Reason They Put The Articles In Playboy.

A Good Rule Of Thumb Is If You've Made It To 35 And Your Job Still Requires You Wear A Nametag, You've Probably Made A Serious Vocational Error.

Guilt Is The Reason They Put The Articles In Playboy.

The Radical Right Is So Homophobic That They're Blaming Global Warming On The Aids Quilt.

The French Are Always Reticent To Surrender To The Wishes Of Their Friends And Always More Than Willing To Surrender To The Wishes Of Their Enemies.

I Don't Know About You, But In My Neighborhood, They Just Opened A Starbucks... In A Starbucks!!!

Somebody Call Janet Reno - I Think I Just Saw Donato Dragging Doug Flutie Into A Locker Room Closet!

The White House Looked Into A Plan That Would Allow Illegal Immigrants To Stay In The United States. The Plan Called For A Million Mexicans To Marry A Million Of Our Ugliest Citizens.

Some People Like To Travel By Train Because It Combines The Slowness Of A Car With The Cramped Public Exposure Of An Airplane.

Human Beings Are Human Beings. They Say What They Want, Don't They? They Used To Say It Across The Fence While They Were Hanging Wash. Now They Just Say It On The Internet.

I Went To The Un And Even The Guidebook Was Spineless.

If Somebody Wants To Shoot Up And Die In Front Of You, More Power To Them. The Herd Has A Way Of Thinning Itself Out.

I Like Money. It's Fun To Fold And Stack And Smell And Look At. It's Just Plain Fun To Count Money, And I Often Do It In A Loud Falsetto While Wearing Nothing But A Captain's Hat And A Coin Changer.

I Haven't Seen Someone So Overmatched Since Mike Tyson Tried To Recite The Alphabet.

What's So Touching Is The Way We Fight The War Right Until The Moment Our Business Is Taken Care Of And Then We Turn On A Dime And We Immediately Start Taking Care Of People. It's Like A Shock And Aw Shucks Campaign.

Other Than The Bombs They Strap To Their Chests, Ive Got No Idea What Makes The Palestinians Tick.

Concussion? How The Hell Can They Tell? They're *football* Players, For Chrissakes!

The Very Definition Of The Innate Hollowness Of Leading A Political Life When You End Up On Your Nearest And Dearest Moments Or Most Personal Evenings With Donors. That Should - That Should Tell You All You Need To Know About The Ramble That Is Politics.

On Thursday, A Passenger Forced His Way Into The Cockpit Of A United Airlines Flight From Miami, But Was Subdued After The Co-pilot Hit Him With A Small Ax. Good To See Our Airlines Are Being Kept Secure By The Latest In 12th Century Technology.

Everybody Has To Sell Out At Some Point To Make A Living.

Just Be Good And Kind To Your Children. Not Only Are They The Future Of The World, They're The Ones Who Can Sign You Into The Nursing Home.

The Left Promises Abortion Rights And Cradle To The Grave Protection, So The Trick Is To Make It To The Cradle.

Pat Buchanan Is So Homo-phobic, He Blames Global Warming On The Aids Quilt.

The Cowboy's Defense Has More Holes In It Than Ronny Milsapp And Jose Feliciano After A Game Of Lawn Darts.

I'm Glad I Don't Have A Lot Of Money In The Market. And Quite Frankly, You'd Be Better Off Giving Your Money To A Colorblind Roulette Addict Than Put It In The Stock Market.

It's Nice To Be Included In The Broadcast Food Chain.

That Receiver Was As Wide Open As Annabel Chong.

Somebody Can Say They Don't Understand Why Somebody Drifts. But I've Always Found People Who Drift Interesting, 'cause It Shows Me The Game's Not Stagnant In Their Own Head. They're Thinking.

I Used To Be Sceptic, But Not Anymore, Because Now I Am Positive That I'm Getting Screwed.

Parenting Is The Most Important Job On The Planet Next To Keeping Gary Busey Off The Nation's Highways.

And Finally, And Most Importantly, The Next Time We Go To War, Don't Give A Specific Reason For The War That The Left Can Seize Upon And Later Flog Us With It Ad Nauseam, Just Do It. Remember, The First Rule Of Fight Club Is That You Don't Talk About Fight Club.

America Was Founded By Puritans And Like It Or Not The Anti-pleasure Dogma Of Those Buckled-shoed Killjoys Still Pervades Our Collective Unconscious Like An I-max Shot Of Dennis Franz's Naked Hairy Cop Ass. Hence, Anything Enjoyable Is Automatically Forbidden And Bad And In Our Panic To Avoid It At All Cost We Become Obsessed With It... Like Dressing Up In A Pink Teddy And A Pair Of Ugboots And Repeatedly Screaming The Word 'verboten!' Into A Conk Shell Balanced On The Back On A Miniature Pony... Oh, I See.. That Would Just Be Me.

Collective Unconscious

We Should Fight To Preserve A Country Where People Such As Michael Moore Get To Miss The Point As Badly As He Misses It. Michael Moore Represents Everything I Detest In A Human Being.

That Punt Was Higher Than Marion Berry On A Fact-finding Tour Of Cartagena.

Political Correctness Is Inverted Mccarthyism.

And By The Way, My Belief Is That If Men Were The Ones Getting Pregnant, Abortions Would Be Easier To Get Than Food Poisoning In Moscow.

It's Wrong To Discriminate Based On Skin Color When There Are So Many Other Reasons Not To Like Someone.

I Haven't Seen Anyone Rely On The Ground Game This Much Since The Battle Of Verdun.

And I Know Your Next Move, I Watch You So Much, 'there's Been No Proven Link Between The Secular State Of Iraq And Al-qaeda!' Come On. They Both Think We're Satan. Isn't That A Nice Starting Point? Why Are You So Loathe To Believe They Might Have Each Other On Lunatic Speed Dial?

If You Could Use The Internet Somehow To See How A Fiji Sailor Is Doing, Rather Than Having To Read A Text Version Of It Somewhere A Day Later, That Would Be Great.

I'm A Tad Paranoid. I Think The Person In Front Of Me Is Following Me The Long Way Round.

Listen, The Weather Is Just Like Hillary's Explanation For Her War Vote: We Just Don't Know, Do We?

For The Foreseeable Future, We're Going To Need Oil Products Because I Don't Like The Idea Of Hydrogen Cars. I'm Not Sure I Want To Be Cruising Around A Mall Parking Lot Filled With A Thousand Mini-hindenburgs.

The Nazi Signs Have Got To Stop. If You're In A Peace March And The Guy Next To You Has A Sign Saying That 'bush Is Hitler,' Forget The Peace Thing For A Second And Beat His Ass, Because He Is Not Hitler.

The Patriots Deflated Balls Are But An Allegory For America's Deflated Balls In Dealings With Putin, The Mullahs In Iran, And Islamic Terrorists.

I Cannot Tell You How Proud Watching That [iraqi] War Coverage Makes Me. I Know A Lot Of People Are Saying That They Think That It's, That You Know What We're Doing Is Imperialistic. I Watch The Way We Handle Ourselves Over There And I've Never Felt More Patriotic In My Life.

I Have Sympathy For Any Human Being That's Driven By Their Limbic Part Of Their Brain. We All Know That Exists In A Person.

When I Went To College, I Lived On Campus, And The Guys I Hung Out With Made The Characters In Revenge Of The Nerds Look Like The Rat Pack In 1962. I, Myself Made That Kid Booger Look Like Remington Steele.

Washington, Dc Is To Lying What Wisconsin Is To Cheese.

Now Let Me Get This Straight. Bush Is Anti-abortion, But Pro-death Penalty. I Guess It's All In The Timing, Huh?

What Do You Expect From A Culture And A Nation That Exerted More Of Its National Will Fighting Against Disney World And Big Macs Than The Nazis?

Now, I Don't Want To Get Off On A Rant Here, But Guilt Is Simply God's Way Of Letting You Know That You're Having Too Good A Time.

The Next Time You Get The Urge To Shut Somebody Up Because They Don't See The World Exactly The Same Way You Do, Take A Deep Breath, Get Out Your Bill Of Rights, And Count To The Ten Amendments.

American's Could Be Any More Self Absorbed If They Were Made Of Equal Parts Water And Paper Towel.

Should I Really Care What Kind Of Beer Frogs Recommend?

When You're Sharing A Mud Hole With A Wildebeest Derriere In Sub-saharan Africa, That's A Living Hell.

After 7 Years Of Marriage, I Am Sure Of 2 Things: First, Never Wallpaper Together And Second, You'll Need 2 Bathrooms . . . Both For Her. The Rest Is A Mystery, But A Mystery I Love To Be Involved In.

Bill Gates Is Just A Monocle And A Persian Cat Away From Being One Of The Bad Guys In A James Bond Movie.

Check Out The Helmet Hair On Randy Moss, Babe! He Looks Like Some Freakish Anti-mr. T After A Long Evening Sleeping Through 'aida.'

You Know There Is A Problem With The Education System When You Realize That Out Of The 3 R's Only One Begins With An R.

I'll Say This About The War Protesters: At Least Most Of Them Are Only Putting Duct Tape Across Their Mouths So I Can Still Tell The Rest Of Them To Blow It Out Their Ass.

Ouch! And Marino Goes Down Quicker Than His Boonesfarm-infused Sister In The Back Of My '68 Cutlass On Our First Date After Watching 'love Story' At The Drive-in.

I Come From That Earlier Time In America When Palm Pilot Was A Nickname You Recieved Upon Entering Puberty! I Was More Than A Palm Pilot I Was The Palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe Wrote A Book About Me Called The Right Hand Stuff. I Was The Only Guy In My Class Hip Enough To Move To The European Grip.

The Quarterback's Spending So Much Time Behind The Center That He May Jeopardize His Right To Lead A Boy Scout Troop.

Look, We're Americans: Optimistic, Addicted To The Quick Fix, Constantly On The Hunt For The New And Exotic. It's Much Easier For Us To Accept A Guy With A Big White Beard Hawking His Own Custom Blend Of Saw Palmetto And Squirrel Dandruff That It Is To Hear A Real Doctor Telling Us To Lay Off The Big Macs, And Get Off Our Fat Asses And Take A Walk Every Decade Or So.

Most Americans Will Let Liberals And Conservatives Play Their Games Because Most Americans Don't Pay Attention.

There Will Be Select Instances Where The Consumer Is Interested In Paying For Premium Content. I Think It Will Be Difficult To Get People To Pay For Something On The Internet That They Can Find Elsewhere On The Internet For Free.

I Love This Country For Several Reasons, Not The Least Of Which Is That I Know I'm Allowed To Hate It If I Want To.

Hey, What If Those Crop Circles Are Just Ads For Target?

And I've Always Been Paranoid. I Can Remember As A Baby My Mother Would Spin The Mobile Above My Head And Thinking..."yeah, That's Coming Down."

Ray Lewis Knifed Through Those Offensive Linemen Like A Sucker-punch Switchblade Slicing Between The Ribs Of Some Inebriated Trash-talking Punk Outside A Sports Bar.

Growing Up, My Family Wasn't Very Tight. We Were More Like A Tour Group With Secrets.

Think Of Iraq As "east Korea," Because It Was A Shoot The Cuffs War For The Edification Of Kim Jong Il To Let Him Know We've Now Circled The Suvs. Iraq Was About Breaking Adhesions, Getting Lean, Staying Frosty - In Short, Getting Ready For The Big Doug Macarthur Memorial Cage Match To Come.

The American Education System Couldn't Be More Badly Directed Or Poorly Funded If The Secretary Of Education Were Ed Wood.

American Education System

I Don't Have Credibility, I'm A Comedian. I'm Not Ed Murrow Up On The Roof In A London Fog Reporting On The Blitz.

If Clinton Had Only Attacked Terrorism As Much As He Attacks George Bush We Wouldn't Be In This Problem.

The Way I've Always Governed My Life As Far As Fiscal Policy Goes Is I'm Smart Enough To Know That I'm Dumb About It, So I Surround Myself With Smart People In Much The Same Way A Hole Surrounds Itself With A Doughnut. I Just Pay Things Off. That's All I Do.

A Third Myth Is That Men Think That Women Like Guys Who Are Dangerous. As A Result, Guys Will Often Smoke Cigarettes, Drink Too Much, And Ride A Motorcycle Without A Helmet. The Reality? Women Don't Like Guys Who Are Dangerous. Women Want Us To Think That Because Women Are Trying To Kill Us.

At Some Point You Cannot Be The Kid In The Glass Bubble In This World. You Might've Heard Throughout Your Grade School And High School Years That It Was A Safe, Nice, Warm, Fair, Feeling Place... But It Can Get Brutal When It Gets Competitive. Especially When You Succeed. Watch The Detractors Come Out Of The Walls At That Point.

I'm Like Bush, I See The World More Like Checkers Than Chess.

There's Nothing Wrong With Being Shallow As Long As You're Insightful About It.

Long Distance Relationship

The Soldiers Kill Suicide Bombers. Think About That. When A Guys Whole Thing In Life Is To Kill Himself And You Get There First... You Are Halling Ass My Friends.

They Have An Amazing Proliferation Of Tv Channels Now: The All-cartoon Channel, The 24-hour-science Fiction Channel. Of Course, To Make Room For These They Got Rid Of The Literacy Channel And The What's Left Of Civilization Channel.

Any Time Your Parent Says They Party With You, That Is Its Own Form Of Child Abuse.

Everybody Is Full Of Crap. The Coin Of The Realm Is Being Full Of Crap. The Best People - Being Full Of Crap Are Our Leaders And Our Superstars.

You've Got Bad Eating Habits If You Use A Grocery Cart In 7-eleven.

Jack Kerouac Was Cool Because He Had No Idea He Was.

There's A Lot Of Differing Data [about Global Warming], But As Far As I Can Gather, Over The Last Hundred Years The Temperature On This Planet Has Gone Up 1.8 Degrees. Am I The Only One Who Finds That Amazingly Stable? I Could Go Back To My Hotel Room Tonight And Futz With The Thermostat For Three To Four Hours. I Could Not Detect That Difference.

If You're A Man And You Have Big Tits, Don't Wear A Tight T-shirt, Okay? It Confuses The Children!

If I Want Low-impact Aerobics, I'll Masturbate. If I Want High-impact Aerobics, I'll Masturbate Again.

Al Gore Couldn't Be More Phony If He Were A Professional Al Gore Impersonator

Seems To Me We Move The Furniture, The French Come In Later And Put The Doilies On Top Of It...it's A Simple Fact They've Always Been Reluctant To Surrender To The Wishes Of Their Friends And Are Almost Anticipatory In Their Urge To Surrender To Wishes Of Their Enemies. And If They Want To Get Their Hands Dirty Now They're Just Gonna Have To Run 'em Through Their Own Hair.

I'm A Comedian, For God's Sake. Viewers Shouldn't Trust Me. And You Know What? They're Hip Enough To Know They Shouldn't Trust Me. I'm Just Doing Stand-up Comedy.

Is Global Warming New? I Don't Know. When I Was Young I Remember The Sun Being Hot.

One Man's Voltaire Is Another Man's Screech.

In View Of All The Deadly Computer Viruses That Have Been Spreading Lately, Weekend Update Would Like To Remind You: When You Link Up To Another Computer, You're Linking Up To Every Computer That That Computer Has Ever Linked Up To.

I Have The Distinction Of Speaking To You From One Of The Few Countries That Still Has A Communist Party.

Dennis Kucinich's Politics Are More Scrambled Than Rod Steiger's Dream Journal.

There's No More Delicious Irony On The Face Of The Earth Than Environmental Protesters Being Led Away In Plastic Handcuffs That Have A Biodegradability Horizon Line Of, Like, 40,000 Years.

After September 11th, Freedom Of Speech In America Has Become A Topic That's Touchier Than A Vatican Summer Camp.

Freedom Of Speech

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Raymond Queneau

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