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Laughter Is One Of The Great Beacons In Life Because We Don't Refract It By Gunning It Through Our Intellectual Prism. What Makes Us Laugh Is A Mystery - An Involuntary Response.

-Dennis Miller

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Laughter Is One Of

Dennis Miller

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Laughter Is One Of The Great Beacons In Life Because We Don't Refract It By Gunning It Through Our Intellectual Prism. What Makes Us Laugh Is A Mystery - An Involuntary Response.

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Is Global Warming New? I Don't Know. When I Was Young I Remember The Sun Being Hot.

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The Current Tax Code Is Harder To Understand Than Bob Dylan Reading Finnegans Wake In A Wind Tunnel.

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Women Don't Like Guys Who Are Dangerous. Women Just Want Us To Think That Because Women Are Trying To Kill Us.

The French Are Always Reticent To Surrender To The Wishes Of Their Friends And Always More Than Willing To Surrender To The Wishes Of Their Enemies.

A Developer Is Someone Who Wants To Build A House In The Woods. An Environmentalist Is Someone Who Already Has A House In The Woods.

The Aclu Spent This Entire Holiday Season Protesting Public Displays Of The Nativity Scene. Yeah, That's The Problem With America Right Now: Public Displays Of Christ's Birth, That's The Problem. It's Unbelievable To Me. The Aclu Will No Longer Fight For Your Right To Put Up A Nativity Scene, But They'll Fight For The Right Of The Local Freak Who Wants To Stumble Onto The Scene And Have Sex With One Of The Sheep.

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Freedom Of Speech

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If I Want Low-impact Aerobics, I'll Masturbate. If I Want High-impact Aerobics, I'll Masturbate Again.

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Even The Best Psychiatrist Is Like A Blindfolded Auto Mechanic Poking Around Under Your Hood With A Giant Foam "we're #1" Finger.

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Political Correctness Is Inverted Mccarthyism.

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Now Let Me Get This Straight. Bush Is Anti-abortion, But Pro-death Penalty. I Guess It's All In The Timing, Huh?

The American Auto Industry Is Blowing Up Like A 1976 Ford Pinto.

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I Think The People Can Bash Catholics Because They Know Catholics Won't Kill Them. Quite Frankly, There's Some Religions Out There, You Bash And They're Going To Kill You.

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That Receiver Was As Wide Open As Annabel Chong.

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It's Wrong To Discriminate Based On Skin Color When There Are So Many Other Reasons Not To Like Someone.

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Osama Bin Laden

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Collective Unconscious

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Now I Don't Have Anything Against Mexican People, But For God's Sakes, Sign The Gust Book On The Way In.

Of Course, That's Just My Opinion. I Could Be Wrong.

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If I Had Wanted To Ice The Little Toad, I Would Have Done It A Long Time Ago.

Human Beings Are Human Beings. They Say What They Want, Don't They? They Used To Say It Across The Fence While They Were Hanging Wash. Now They Just Say It On The Internet.

Bad Television Is Three Things: A Bullet Train To A Morally Bankrupt Youth, A Slow Spiral Into An Intellectual Void, And Of Course, A Complete Blast To Watch.

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Funny Inspirational

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There's Nothing Wrong With Being Shallow As Long As You're Insightful About It.

Long Distance Relationship

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We Need Anything Politically Important Rationed Out Like Pez: Small, Sweet, And Coming Out Of A Funny, Plastic Head.

And I've Always Been Paranoid. I Can Remember As A Baby My Mother Would Spin The Mobile Above My Head And Thinking..."yeah, That's Coming Down."

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Tv Evangelists Say They Don't Favor Any Particular Denomination, But I Think We've All Seen Their Eyes Light Up At Tens And Twenties.

If Bill Gates Is Worth $30 Billion Then A Good Haircut Must Cost $31 Billion

Two Wrongs May Not Make A Right, But A Thousand Wrongs Make A Writer.

That Punt Was Higher Than Marion Berry On A Fact-finding Tour Of Cartagena.

A Good Rule Of Thumb Is If You've Made It To 35 And Your Job Still Requires You Wear A Nametag, You've Probably Made A Serious Vocational Error.

Parenting Is The Most Important Job On The Planet Next To Keeping Gary Busey Off The Nation's Highways.

That Kid's Got An Arm Like Uncle Fester At An Exhibition Of Pre-colombian... Um, Christ, I Lost It. I Was Going For Something Thick. So What's With The Beard, Grizzly Fouts?

Of *course* He Needs To Renegotiate His Salary - The Guy Buys More Snow Than Seward Did When He Bought Alaska From The Russians.

Should I Really Care What Kind Of Beer Frogs Recommend?

There Is A Chalk Outline Slowly Being Drawn Around Common Sense And Most People Can't Identify The Victim.

Detroit's So Bad This Year They Might Lose Their Bye Week.

I Cannot Tell You How Proud Watching That [iraqi] War Coverage Makes Me. I Know A Lot Of People Are Saying That They Think That It's, That You Know What We're Doing Is Imperialistic. I Watch The Way We Handle Ourselves Over There And I've Never Felt More Patriotic In My Life.

I'm Actually Equal Parts Cynicism And Apathy. I'm Always Willing To Believe The Worst As Long As It Doesn't Take Too Much Effort.

Hey, Cunningham - Andy Warhol Called. You're At 14:55 And We're Tickin' Big-time Here, Chachi.

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How Do We Know For Sure That No Two Snowflakes Are The Same - We Haven't Got Anybody Watching.

If Clinton Had Only Attacked Terrorism As Much As He Attacks George Bush We Wouldn't Be In This Problem.

Half The People I Look Who Are Health Food Addicts Look Sickly To Me. Let's Start Taxing Health Food. Somebody Force A Burger Down Some Of These People's Jaw Because They Look A Little Pale And Wan To Me.

American's Could Be Any More Self Absorbed If They Were Made Of Equal Parts Water And Paper Towel.

I Have A Nice House. And When Somebody Says It's A Palace, I Always Feel Like We're Digging A Little Or Something.

How Many Of Those Dead Animals You See On The Highway Are Suicides?

Only Man Is A Narcissistic Enough Species To Think That A Highly Evolved Alien Life Force Would Travel Across Billions And Billions Of Light-years- A Group Of Aliens So Intelligent, So Insouciant, So Utterly Above It All, They Feel No Need Whatsoever To Equip Their Spacecraft With Windows So That They Can Gaze Out On All That Celestial Beauty-but Then Immediately Upon Landing, Their First Impulse Is To Get In Some Hick's Ass With A Flashlight.

Big Deal, So He Scored. The Last Time I Saw Someone Dance Like That I Had To Pay Her $20 And Have My Pants Dry Cleaned The Next Day.

Just Be Good And Kind To Your Children. Not Only Are They The Future Of The World, They're The Ones Who Can Sign You Into The Nursing Home.

Martha Stewart Denied Allegations That She Had Been Given Inside Information To Sell 4,000 Shares Of A Stock In A Biotech Firm. Stewart Then Showed Her Audience How To Make A Festive, Quick-burning Yule Log Out Of Freshly-shredded Financial Documents.

I Have The Distinction Of Speaking To You From One Of The Few Countries That Still Has A Communist Party.

Hey, What If Those Crop Circles Are Just Ads For Target?

I Rant, Therefore I Am

The Government Could Take Away All The Drugs In The World And People Would Spin Around On Their Lawns Until They Fell Down And Saw God.

What's So Touching Is The Way We Fight The War Right Until The Moment Our Business Is Taken Care Of And Then We Turn On A Dime And We Immediately Start Taking Care Of People. It's Like A Shock And Aw Shucks Campaign.

I Come From That Earlier Time In America When Palm Pilot Was A Nickname You Recieved Upon Entering Puberty! I Was More Than A Palm Pilot I Was The Palm Chuck Jager. Tom Wolfe Wrote A Book About Me Called The Right Hand Stuff. I Was The Only Guy In My Class Hip Enough To Move To The European Grip.

We Are Simultaneously The Most Hated, Loved, Feared And Admired Nation On This Planet. In Short, We Are Frank Sinatra.

I'd Rather Be Funny Than Wise.

Ah, Feminism In The Nineties, What A What Is Yours What Is Mine Field.

Any Time Your Parent Says They Party With You, That Is Its Own Form Of Child Abuse.

I Think The American Legal System Sucks Worse Than A Celine Dion Cover Version Of Whole Lotta Love.

A Recent Police Study Found That You're Much More Likely To Get Shot By A Fat Cop If You Run.

Somebody Call Janet Reno - I Think I Just Saw Donato Dragging Doug Flutie Into A Locker Room Closet!

It's Your Living Room, It's Your Life, Go Nuts. You Like Home Improvement? Tape It And Go Over It Like It's The Zapruder Film.

The American Education System Couldn't Be More Badly Directed Or Poorly Funded If The Secretary Of Education Were Ed Wood.

American Education System

The Left Promises Abortion Rights And Cradle To The Grave Protection, So The Trick Is To Make It To The Cradle.

Everybody Is Full Of Crap. The Coin Of The Realm Is Being Full Of Crap. The Best People - Being Full Of Crap Are Our Leaders And Our Superstars.

The Democrats Continue To Snipe At Bush. They'll Never Give It Up To Him. You Know Teddy Kennedy And Tom Daschle Pick More Nits Than A Father And Son Spider Monkey Team Who Know They're Being Followed By A National Geographic Film Crew.

The Patriots Deflated Balls Are But An Allegory For America's Deflated Balls In Dealings With Putin, The Mullahs In Iran, And Islamic Terrorists.

It's Nice To Be Included In The Broadcast Food Chain.

The Average American's Day Planner Has Fewer Holes In It Than Ray Charles's Dart Board.

Some People Like M&ms Plain, And Some People Like Them With Nuts.

Just Put Down 9/11... I Think, On Most Things I'm Liberal, Except On Defending Ourselves And Keeping Half The Money. Those Things I'm Kind Of Conservative On.

Jerry Falwell Says That Abortion And Homosexuality Are Sins. Oh Yeah? Well, So Is Gluttony, Jerry. So Maybe You Should Think About Dropping 50 Pounds.

America May Be The Best Country In The World, But That's Kind Of Like Being The Valedictorian Of Summer School.

That Secondary Provides Worse Coverage Than A Guatemalan Hmo.

I'll Say This About The War Protesters: At Least Most Of Them Are Only Putting Duct Tape Across Their Mouths So I Can Still Tell The Rest Of Them To Blow It Out Their Ass.

If Somebody Wants To Shoot Up And Die In Front Of You, More Power To Them. The Herd Has A Way Of Thinning Itself Out.

When You're Sharing A Mud Hole With A Wildebeest Derriere In Sub-saharan Africa, That's A Living Hell.

There's No More Delicious Irony On The Face Of The Earth Than Environmental Protesters Being Led Away In Plastic Handcuffs That Have A Biodegradability Horizon Line Of, Like, 40,000 Years.

We Should Fight To Preserve A Country Where People Such As Michael Moore Get To Miss The Point As Badly As He Misses It. Michael Moore Represents Everything I Detest In A Human Being.

In The Late Twentieth Century, Staying Sober Has Become Just As Much An Addiction As Getting Wasted.

I Find It Shocking That Anybody Can Be Brought Down In D.c. For Gossip, Ostensibly. I Thought That Was The Coin Of The Realm There. That's Like Getting Hit With Lightning On A Cloudless Day.

Trends Don't Mean Anything To Me. If I Like Something, I'll Do It. If I Don't, I Won't Do It, And I Wouldn't Care If Everybody In The Country Mocked Me.

My Fear Of Flying Starts As Soon As I Buckle Myself In And Then The Guy Up Front Mumbles A Few Unintelligible Words Then Before I Know It I'm Thrust Into The Back Of My Seat By Acceleration That Seems Way Too Fast And The Rest Of The Trip Is An Endless Nightmare Of Turbulence, Of Near Misses. And Then The Cabbie Drops Me Off At The Airport.

The White House Again Refused To Turn Over Discussions Vice President Cheney Had With Enron Officials Over Energy Policy. Cheney Said If He Had To Disclose Every Time Some Business Donated A Ton Of Money Then Came In To Write Its Own Policy To Govern Itself, He Wouldn't Get Any Work Done.

It's Foolish To Be Prejudiced. There Are So Many Reasons To Hate People On An Individual Basis.

Joan Rivers Telling Lauren Bacall Her Dress Is All Wrong Is Like Carrot Top Telling Lenny Bruce He Needs To Get An Edge.

I'm A Tad Paranoid. I Think The Person In Front Of Me Is Following Me The Long Way Round.

I Still Feel Pangs Of Remorse Over An Insidious Habit I've Had Since I Was A Teenager. About Three Times A Week, I Attend Estate Auctions And Make Insulting, Low-ball Bids For Prized Heirlooms Until I'm Asked To Leave.

If Some Unemployed Punk In New Jersey, Can Get A Cassette To Make Love To Elle Mcpherson For $19.95, This Virtual Reality Stuff Is Going To Make Crack Look Like Sanka.

I'm Sorry, Those Pictures From The Abu Ghraib. At First, They, Like Infuriated Me, I Was Sad. Then Like, A Couple Days Later, After They Cut The Guy's Head Off, They Didn't Seem Like Much. And Now, I Like To Trade Them With My Friends.

A Recent Conversation: Dubya: Look At The Clock, Time Is Racing! Cheney: That's The Second Hand, George.

Technology Is Fine. . ., But That Popular Vision Of The Future, Where You Plug Somebody In And Leave Them There And They Don't Get Out And Interact With Actual Flesh-and-blood Humans - You Know The Answer Before I Say It - That's Not Good.

Visions Of The Future

On Thursday, A Passenger Forced His Way Into The Cockpit Of A United Airlines Flight From Miami, But Was Subdued After The Co-pilot Hit Him With A Small Ax. Good To See Our Airlines Are Being Kept Secure By The Latest In 12th Century Technology.

But The Biggest Fake Of The Year, Paul Begala's Last Smile

Liberals Should Not Overplay This Weapons Of Mass Destruction Card, Because You Want Me To Tell You The Truth? Most Of Us Are Not Going To Care If They Don't Find These Weapons Of Mass Destruction. It's Enough For A Lot Of Us To See Those Kids Smiling On That Street Again.

Mass Destruction

And I Know Your Next Move, I Watch You So Much, 'there's Been No Proven Link Between The Secular State Of Iraq And Al-qaeda!' Come On. They Both Think We're Satan. Isn't That A Nice Starting Point? Why Are You So Loathe To Believe They Might Have Each Other On Lunatic Speed Dial?

The Claim That Somehow Raw Foods Give You Better Energy, Are More Healthful, Improve Your Immune System And All Of That Is Simply Not Substantiated. And Moreover, It's Not Biologically Plausible.

I'm Left On A Lot Of Things. If Two Gay Guys Want To Get Married, I Could Care Less. If A Nut Case From Overseas Wants To Blow Up Their Wedding, That's When I'm Right.

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Bernadette Peters

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