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When We Have Lost Everything, Including Hope, Life Becomes A Disgrace, And Death A Duty.

-W. C. Fields

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When We Have Lost

W. C. Fields

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When We Have Lost Everything, Including Hope, Life Becomes A Disgrace, And Death A Duty.

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Lost Everything

More From W. C. Fields

A Man Who Overindulges Lives In A Dream. He Becomes Conceited. He Thinks The Whole World Revolves Around Him; And It Usually Does.

Show Me A Great Actor And I'll Show You A Lousy Husband. Show Me A Great Actress, And You've Seen The Devil.

I Only Drink To Steady My Nerves... Sometimes I'm So Steady I Don't Move For Months.

W. C. Fields, A Lifetime Agnostic, Was Discovered Reading A Bible On His Deathbed. ''i'm Looking For A Loop-hole,'' He Explained.

California Is The Only State In The Union Where You Can Fall Asleep Under A Rose Bush In Full Bloom And Freeze To Death.

All Englishmen Talk As If They've Got A Bushel Of Plums Stuck In Their Throats, And Then After Swallowing Them Get Constipated From The Pips.

Ye Gads, No! I Couldn't Stand The Noise.

I'd Take A Bromo, But I Can't Stand The Noise.

The First Thing Any Comedian Does On Getting An Unscheduled Laugh Is To Verify The State Of His .

It Was A Marriage Of Convenience, As My Father Had A Blister On His Big Toe And Couldn't Travel Far To Find A Girl.

The Nation Needs To Return To The Colonial Way Of Life, When A Wife Was Judged By The Amount Of Wood She Could Split.

I Can Do Anything I Want To Do!

I Would Rather Be Living In Philadelphia.

Smile First Thing In The Morning. Get It Over With.

I Never Drink Water; That Is The Stuff That Rusts Pipes.

Reality Is An Illusion That Occurs Due To The Lack Of Alcohol.

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's House Unless They Have A Well-stocked Bar.

I've Been Drunk Only Once In My Life. But That Lasted For Twenty-three Years.

Never Eat At A Place Called 'moms', But If The Only Other Place In Town Has A Sign That Says 'eats', Go Back To Moms.

Sex Isn't Necessary. You Don't Die Without It, But You Can Die Having It.

Don't Worry About Your Heart, It Will Last You As Long As You Live.

Here Is My Best Advice On The Matter Of Deductibles: Just Count Off On Your Fingers All The Items That You Suspect Might Be Deductible - And Then Forget Them, Because They Aren't.

All My Available Funds Are Completely Tied Up In Cash.

The Only Thing A Lawyer Won't Question Is The Legitimacy Of His Mother.

Fields' Reply: He'd Think I Was A Sissy.

There Are Seven Natural Openings In The Head And Body. A Lawyer Is The Only Human Being With Eight. The Extra One Is A Slot To Store Money In, Should His Bank Be Unable To Hold All Of It.

Marry An Outdoors Woman. Then If You Throw Her Out Into The Yard On A Cold Night, She Can Still Survive.

The Funniest Thing About Comedy Is That You Never Know Why People Laugh. I Know What Makes Them Laugh But Trying To Get Your Hands On The Why Of It Is Like Trying To Pick An Eel Out Of A Tub Of Water.

I Didn't Say The Meat Was Tough. I Said I Didn't See The Horse That Is Usually Outside.

My Illness Is Due To My Doctor's Insistence That I Drink Milk, A Whitish Fluid They Force Down Helpless Babies.

I Once Spent A Year In Philadelphia, I Think It Was On A Sunday.

Oh, Insomnia! Ah, Well, I Know A Good Cure For It... Get Plenty Of Sleep.

I Used To Be Indecisive, Now I'm Not So Sure.

Attitude Is More Important Than The Past, Than Education, Than Money, Than Circumstances, Than What People Do Or Say. It Is More Important Than Appearance, Giftedness, Or Skill.

I Like Thieves. Some Of My Best Friends Are Thieves. Why, Just Last Week We Had The President Of The Bank Over For Dinner.

Thou Shalt Not Steal-only From Other Comedians.

My Main Ambition As A Gardener Is To Water My Orange Trees With Gin, Then All I Have To Do Is Squeeze The Juice Into A Glass.

It's A Wonderful Thing, The D.t.'s. You Can Travel The World In A Couple Of Hours. You See Some Mighty Funny And Curious Things That Come In Assorted Colors.

I Write My Scripts Short And They Develop On The Set, Which I Have Found A Far Better Premise Both Economically And Practically.

I Drink Therefore I Am.

Business Is An Establishment That Gives You The Legal, Even Though Unethical, Right To Screw The Naive-right, Left, And In The Middle.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Try, Try Again. Then Quit. There's No Point In Being A Damn Fool About It.

Never Try To Impress A Woman, Because If You Do She'll Expect You To Keep Up The Standard For The Rest Of Your Life.

Rest Of Your Life

If Pigs Had Wings, They Would Be Pigeons.

I Spent Half My Money On Gambling, Alcohol And Wild Women. The Other Half I Wasted.

I Don't Have To Attend Every Argument I'm Invited To.

Ain't Fit For Man Nor Beast

There Is Not A Man In America Who Has Not Had A Secret Ambition To Boot An Infant.

I Like My Films To Influence The Audience. Even If It Means Tripping Their Aged Grandparents With A Cane When They Get Home.

Always Carry A Flagon Of Whiskey In Case Of Snakebite, And Furthermore Always Carry A Small Snake.

Some Weasel Took The Cork Out Of My Lunch.

I Like Children. If They're Properly Cooked.

I Don't Object To Nine Aces In One Deck. But When A Man Lays Down Five Aces In One Hand... And Besides, I Know What I Dealt Him!

I Think Of The Church Often. Not Because Religion Was Closing In On Me, But Because For A Long Time My Ass Was Sore From That Hard, Unupholstered Pew.

There Are Better Things Than Sex, But Nothing Quite Like It.

Christmas At My House Is Always At Least Six Or Seven Times More Pleasant Than Anywhere Else. We Start Drinking Early. And While Everyone Else Is Seeing Only One Santa Claus, We'll Be Seeing Six Or Seven.

It's A Funny Old World. A Man's Lucky If He Gets Out Of It Alive.

Trust Everybody, But Cut The Cards Yourself.

When Doctors And Undertakers Meet, They Wink At Each Other.

When Asked To Borrow Money: "i'll See What My Lawyer Says. . . . And If He Says Yes, I'll Get Another Lawyer.

I Personally Stay Away From Natural Foods. At My Age I Need All The Preservatives I Can Get.

Hollywood Is The Gold Cap On A Tooth That Should Have Been Pulled Out Years Ago.

Prayers Never Bring Anything... They May Bring Solace To The Sap, The Bigot, The Ignorant, The Aboriginal, And The Lazy - But To The Enlightened It Is The Same As Asking Santa Claus To Bring You Something For Xmas

It Is Well To Remember That There Are Five Reasons For Drinking: The Arrival Of A Friend, One's Present Or Future Thirst, The Excellence Of The Cognac, Or Any Other Reason

Women Are Like Elephants To Me. I Like To Look At Them, But I Wouldn't Want To Own One.

Abstaining Is Favorable Both To The Head And The Pocket.

I Like Children - Fried.

I Never Met A Kid I Liked.

I'm Looking For Loopholes. (said When Caught Reading The Bible.).

Somebody's Been Putting Pineapple Juice In My Pineapple Juice!

The Movie People Would Have Nothing To Do With Me Until They Heard Me Speak In A Broadway Play, Then They All Wanted To Sign Me For The Silent Movies.

If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Baffle Them With Bull.

The Punkwat Twins! Brentwood Is The World's Smallest Giant, Whilst His Brother, Elwood, Is The Largest Midget In The World. They Baffle Science!

In The Ten Years Since I Had Run Away From Home...i Had Gone Through More Strange Experiences Than The Average Person Crowds Into A Whole Lifetime.

I Have A Poor Memory For Names; But I Seldom Remember A Face.

Never Give A Sucker An Even Break.

I'm Free Of All Prejudices. I Hate Everyone Equally.

I Am An Expert Of Electricity. My Father Occupied The Chair Of Applied Electricity At The State Prison.

I Never Smoked A Cigar In My Life Until I Was Nine

There Comes A Time In The Affairs Of Man When He Must Take The Bull By The Tail And Face The Situation.

Anyone Who Hates Children And Animals Can't Be All Bad.

I Ad Lib Most Of My Dialogue. If I Did Remember My Lines, It Would Be Too Bad For Me.

You Can Fool Some Of The People Some Of The Time -- And That's Enough To Make A Decent Living.

Bert Williams Was The Funniest Man I Ever Saw And The Saddest Man I Ever Knew.

Take Me Down To The Bar! We'll Drink Breakfast Together!

The Best Thing To Break Is A Contract.

I Believe In Tying The Marriage Knot, As Long As It's Around The Woman's Neck

Philadelphia, Wonderful Town, Spent A Week There One Night

I Exercise Strong Self Control. I Never Drink Anything Stronger Than Gin Before Breakfast.

No Doubt Exists That All Women Are Crazy; It's Only A Question Of Degree.

I've Been On A 46-year Diet Of Olives And Alcohol. The Latter I Consume. The Former I Save And Use Over Again In More Alcohol. In My Lifetime, I Imagine, I Have Consumed At Least $200,000 Worth Of Whisky.

No One Likes The Fellow Who Is All Rogue, But We'll Forgive Him Almost Anything If There Is Warmth Of Human Sympathy Underneath His Rogueries. The Immortal Types Of Comedy Are Just Such Men.

The Work I'm Doing On The Screen Differs From That Of Anyone Else. My Comedy Is Of A Peculiar Nature...no Writers Have Been Developed Along The Lines Of My Type Of Comedy And This Is Why I Sometimes Have Differences With Writers, Supervisors And Directors Alike.

This Job Will Drive Me To Drink, And For That Reason, I Will Be Eternally Grateful.

I'd Rather Have Two Girls At 21 Each Than One Girl At 42.

When We Have Lost Everything, Including Hope, Life Becomes A Disgrace, And Death A Duty.

Lost Everything

No Man Is Boss In His Own Home, But He Can Make Up For It, He Thinks, By Making A Dog Play Dead.

I Didn't Squawk About The Steak, Dear. I Merely Said I Didn't See That Old Horse That Used To Be Tethered Outside Here.

How Is The Human Race Going To Survive Now That The Cost Of Living Has Gone Up Two Dollars A Quart?

Happiness Means Quiet Nerves.

Money Will Not Buy Happiness, But It Will Let You Be Unhappy In Nice Places.

I Was Married Once--in San Francisco. I Haven't Seen Her For Many Years. The Great Earthquake And Fire In 1906 Destroyed The Marriage Certificate. There's No Legal Proof. Which Proves That Earthquakes Aren't All Bad.

Never Work With Animals Or Children.

All Things Considered, I'd Rather Be In Philadelphia

I Never Drank Anything Stronger Than Beer Before I Was Twelve.

I've Been Barbecued, Stewed, Screwed, Tattooed, And Fried By People Claiming To Be My Friends. The Human Race Has Gone Backward, Not Forward, Since The Days We Were Apes Swinging Through The Trees.

A Merry Christmas To All My Friends Except Two.

If A Thing Is Worth Having, It's Worth Cheating For.

Marriage Is Better Than Leprosy Only Because It's Easier To Get Rid Of.

Remember, Lady Godiva Put All She Had On A Horse And She Lost Her Shirt!

I Feel Like A Midget With Muddy Feet Had Been Walking Over My Tongue All Night.

Indeed, Moderation Is My Middle Name (though I Do Not Often Use It In Signing Legal Documents)

Some Things Are Better Than Sex, And Some Are Worse, But There's Nothing Exactly Like It.

I Always Keep A Supply Of Stimulant Handy In Case I See A Snake, Which I Also Keep Handy.

I Seldom Took A Drink On The Set Before 9 A.m.

If I Had My Life To Live Over Again, I'd Live Over A Saloon.

Children Should Neither Be Seen Or Heard From - Ever Again.

If I Had To Live My Life Over, I'd Live Over A Saloon.

When You Wake Up In The Morning, Smile - And Get It Over With.

I Don't Drink Anymore, On The Other Hand I Don't Drink Any Less Either.

Wouldn't It Be Terrible If I Quoted Some Reliable Statistics Which Prove That More People Are Driven Insane Through Religious Hysteria Than By Drinking Alcohol.

I Have Been In The Entertainment Business Some Forty-three Years, And I Have Never Said Anything Detrimental Or Anything That Might Be Construed As Belittling Any Race Or Religion. I Would Be A Sucker To Do So Because You Can't Insult The Customers.

If It Is A Joint Return, We Are Instructed To Print The Given Names Of Both Husband And Wife. But Since Some Of The Names That Husband And Wife Give Each Other Are Hardly Suited To Print, We Must Proceed Cautiously.

Try Till You Succeed...if You Don't Succeed Once, Then Destroy All Evidence Of The Fact That You Tried!

Comedy Is A Serious Business. A Serious Business With Only One Purpose--to Make People Laugh.

To Me, These Biblical Stories Are Just So Many Fish Stories, And I'm Not Specifically Referring To Jonah And The Whale. I Need Indisputable Proof Of Anything I'm Asked To Believe.

Variant: I Was Driven To Drink By A Woman. I Am Forever Grateful, Yet I Never Had The Good Manners To Thank Her.

Sleep! The Most Beautiful Experience In Life. Except Drink.

It's Morally Wrong To Allow A Sucker To Keep His Money.

Ultimately Chess Is Just Chess - Not The Best Thing In The World And Not The Worst Thing In The World, But There Is Nothing Quite Like It.

I've Been Asked If I Ever Get The Dts. I Don't Know. It's Hard To Tell Where Hollywood Ends And The Dts Begin.

I Was In Love With A Beautiful Blonde Once. She Drove Me To Drink. That's The One Thing I'm Indebted To Her For.

I Never Worry About Being Driven To Drink; I Just Worry About Being Driven Home.

I Always Made Up My Own Acts; Built Them Out Of My Knowledge And Observation Of Real Life. I'd Had Wonderful Opportunities To Study People; And Every Time I Went Out On The Stage I Tried To Show The Audience Some Bit Of True Human Nature.

It's Quite True I'm Not Drinking Anymore; However, I'm Not Drinking Any Less Either.

I Never Drink Water... Fish F**k In It.

My Heart Is A Bargain Today. Will You Take It?

I Have Been Advised By The Best Medical Authority, At My Age, Not To Attempt To Give Up Alcohol.

Never Mind What I Told You - You Do As I Tell You.

Start Every Day Off With A Smile And Get It Over With.

I Never Voted For Anybody. I Always Voted Against.

If There's A Will, Prosperity Can't Be Far Behind.

I Don't Drink Water. Have You Seen The Way It Rusts Pipes?

The Advantages Of Whiskey Over Dogs Are Legion. Whiskey Does Not Need To Be Periodically Wormed, It Does Not Need To Be Fed, It Never Requires A Special Kennel, It Has No Toenails To Be Clipped Or Coat To Be Stripped. Whiskey Sits Quietly In Its Special Nook Until You Want It. True, Whiskey Has A Nasty Habit Of Running Out, But Then So Does A Dog.

Horse Sense Is The Thing A Horse Has Which Keeps It From Betting On People.

Ah, The Patter Of Little Feet Around The House. There's Nothing Like Having A Midget For A Butler.

During One Of My Treks Through Afghanistan, We Lost Our Corkscrew. We Were Compelled To Live On Food And Water For Several Days.

So Long As The Presence Of Death Lurks With Anyone Who Goes Through The Simple Act Of Swallowing, I Will Make Mine Whiskey.

It Ain't What They Call You, It's What You Answer To.

Dentists, Lawyers, Doctors Are All A Bunch Of Thieving Bastards.

Back In My Rummy Days, I Would Tremble And Shake For Hours Upon Arising. It Was The Only Exercise I Got.

Where There Is A Will, There's Prosperity Around The Corner.

Yes I Do Like Children ... Girl Children...about Eighteen Or Twenty.

The Two-headed Boy In The Circus Never Had Such A Headache.

Scotch Needs Water Like A Fish Needs A Bicycle.

You Can't Cheat An Honest Man.

What Would You Do If You Were President, And, On The First Day Of May, The Russian Ambassador Presented You With A Beautiful Cake Which Emitted A Curious Ticking Noise? Would You Plunge It Into A Pail Of Water - Thus Insulting Soviet Cuisine In General?

How Well I Remember My First Encounter With The Devil'ss Brew. I Happened To Stumble Across A Case Of Bourbon - And Went Right On Stumbling For Several Days Thereafter.

I Note The Derogatory Rumors Concerning The Use Of Alcoholic Stimulants And Lavish Living. It Is The Penalty Of Greatness.

Some People Are Born Losers; Others Acquire The Knack Gradually.

The Cost Of Living Has Gone Up Another Dollar A Quart.

I Cook With Wine, Sometimes I Even Add It To The Food.

Now Don't Say You Can't Swear Off Drinking; It's Easy. I've Done It A Thousand Times.

I'm Searching For Loopholes.

I Have Spent A Lot Of Time Searching Through The Bible For Loopholes.

It Is Funnier To Bend Things Than To Break Them.

The World Is Getting To Be Such A Dangerous Place, A Man Is Lucky To Get Out Of It Alive.

I Never Drink Water Because Of The Disgusting Things That Fish Do In It.

I Could Be Stranded In Any Town In The United States With Ten Cents And Within An Hour Make $20 With The Shell Game.

I Drink With Impunity...or Anyone Else Who Invites Me.

Everybody's Got To Believe In Something. I Believe I'll Have Another Beer.

If I Ever Found A Church That Didn't Believe In Knocking All The Other Churches, I Might Consider Joining It.

Never Cry Over Spilt Milk, Because It May Have Been Poisoned.

My Daughter Wants To Throw A Stone At A Bad Man. I Stop Her From Throwing, Shaking My Head And Giving Her A Little Slap. My Disapproval Is Complete. You Think: 'that's Right, She Shouldn't Throw A Stone Even At A Villain.' Then I Hand Her A Brick To Throw.

Thou Shalt Not Kill Anything Less Than A Fifth.

The Income Tax Was Devised To Give Lawyers And Certified Public Accountants Business. Few Persons Can Make Head, Tail, Or Middle Out Of It. Einstein Admitted He Couldn't.

Reminds Me Of My Safari In Africa. Somebody Forgot The Corkscrew And For Several Days We Had To Live On Nothing But Food And Water.

A Rich Man Is Nothing But A Poor Man With Money.

Was I In Here Last Night And Did I Spend A $20 Bill? Oh, Thank Goodness... I Thought I'd Lost It.

You Can't Trust Water: Even A Straight Stick Turns Crooked In It.

If It Does Not Work The First Time, Try, Try Again. Then Quit. No Need To Be An Idiot.

A Thing Worth Having Is A Thing Worth Cheating For.

Once, During Prohibition, I Was Forced To Live For Days On Nothing But Food And Water.

Last Week, I Went To Philadelphia, But It Was Closed.

I Was Almost Put Out Of Business By A Well-meaning Corpse.

There Are Only Two Real Ways To Get Ahead Today - Sell Liquor Or Drink It.

Few Things In Life Are More Embarrassing Than The Necessity Of Having To Inform An Old Friend That You Have Just Got Engaged To His Fiancee.

Thou Shalt Not Take The Name Of The Lord Thy God In Vain Unless You've Used Up All The Other Four-letter Words.

I Certainly Do Not Drink All The Time. I Have To Sleep You Know.

Beer: Helping Ugly People Have Sex Since 3000 B. C.

I Must Have A Drink Of Breakfast.

All The Men In My Family Were Bearded, And Most Of The Women.

The Low-ceiling Price Bazaar For Sexual Relief Was A Street Called Middie Alley. You Could Barely Get A Pushcart Through This Avenue. Top Price-twenty-five Cents.

There's No Such Thing As A Tough Child - If You Parboil Them First For Seven Hours, They Always Come Out Tender.

Drown In A Cold Vat Of Whiskey? Death, Where Is Thy Sting?

Just Like My Uncle Charlie Used To Say, Just Before He Sprung The Trap: He Said, "you Can't Cheat And Honest Man! Never Give A Sucker An Even Break Or Smarten Up A Chump!

I've Never Hit A Woman In My Life. Not Even My Own Mother.

I Never Drink Water. I'm Afraid It Will Become Habit-forming.

I'm Looking For Loopholes.

Buried My Wife The Other Day. Had To, She Died.

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