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I Have Been In The Entertainment Business Some Forty-three Years, And I Have Never Said Anything Detrimental Or Anything That Might Be Construed As Belittling Any Race Or Religion. I Would Be A Sucker To Do So Because You Can't Insult The Customers.

-W. C. Fields

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I Have Been In

W. C. Fields

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I Have Been In The Entertainment Business Some Forty-three Years, And I Have Never Said Anything Detrimental Or Anything That Might Be Construed As Belittling Any Race Or Religion. I Would Be A Sucker To Do So Because You Can't Insult The Customers.

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This Job Will Drive Me To Drink, And For That Reason, I Will Be Eternally Grateful.

The Low-ceiling Price Bazaar For Sexual Relief Was A Street Called Middie Alley. You Could Barely Get A Pushcart Through This Avenue. Top Price-twenty-five Cents.

I Was Almost Put Out Of Business By A Well-meaning Corpse.

Take Me Down To The Bar! We'll Drink Breakfast Together!

All Things Considered, I'd Rather Be In Philadelphia

I Was Married Once--in San Francisco. I Haven't Seen Her For Many Years. The Great Earthquake And Fire In 1906 Destroyed The Marriage Certificate. There's No Legal Proof. Which Proves That Earthquakes Aren't All Bad.

How Well I Remember My First Encounter With The Devil'ss Brew. I Happened To Stumble Across A Case Of Bourbon - And Went Right On Stumbling For Several Days Thereafter.

Bert Williams Was The Funniest Man I Ever Saw And The Saddest Man I Ever Knew.

A Merry Christmas To All My Friends Except Two.

I Could Juggle Anything In My Day. Balls, Cigar Boxes, Knives...but There Was One Thing I Could Never Juggle. My Income Tax.

I Never Drink Water; That Is The Stuff That Rusts Pipes.

Once, During Prohibition, I Was Forced To Live For Days On Nothing But Food And Water.

No Doubt Exists That All Women Are Crazy; It's Only A Question Of Degree.

Marriage Is Better Than Leprosy Only Because It's Easier To Get Rid Of.

I Personally Stay Away From Natural Foods. At My Age I Need All The Preservatives I Can Get.

I Have Spent A Lot Of Time Searching Through The Bible For Loopholes.

If I Had My Life To Live Over Again, I'd Live Over A Saloon.

Comedy Is Merely Tragedy Happening To Someone Else.

I'd Rather Have Two Girls At 21 Each Than One Girl At 42.

Start Every Day Off With A Smile And Get It Over With.

Women Are Like Elephants To Me. I Like To Look At Them, But I Wouldn't Want To Own One.

My Heart Is A Bargain Today. Will You Take It?

Philadelphia, Wonderful Town, Spent A Week There One Night

A Man Without A Woman Is Like A Neck Without A Pain.

Anyone Who Hates Children And Animals Can't Be All Bad.

It Is Impossible To Find Twelve Fair Men In All The World.

Reminds Me Of My Safari In Africa. Somebody Forgot The Corkscrew And For Several Days We Had To Live On Nothing But Food And Water.

Thou Shalt Not Kill Anything Less Than A Fifth.

A Thing Worth Having Is A Thing Worth Cheating For.

Sleep! The Most Beautiful Experience In Life. Except Drink.

It Was A Marriage Of Convenience, As My Father Had A Blister On His Big Toe And Couldn't Travel Far To Find A Girl.

The Work I'm Doing On The Screen Differs From That Of Anyone Else. My Comedy Is Of A Peculiar Nature...no Writers Have Been Developed Along The Lines Of My Type Of Comedy And This Is Why I Sometimes Have Differences With Writers, Supervisors And Directors Alike.

You Can't Trust Water: Even A Straight Stick Turns Crooked In It.

I've Never Hit A Woman In My Life. Not Even My Own Mother.

I Never Drink Water Because Of The Disgusting Things That Fish Do In It.

I've Been Asked If I Ever Get The Dts. I Don't Know. It's Hard To Tell Where Hollywood Ends And The Dts Begin.

Say Anything That You Like About Me Except That I Drink Water.

Attitude Is More Important Than The Past, Than Education, Than Money, Than Circumstances, Than What People Do Or Say. It Is More Important Than Appearance, Giftedness, Or Skill.

All My Available Funds Are Completely Tied Up In Cash.

I Certainly Do Not Drink All The Time. I Have To Sleep You Know.

I Can Do Anything I Want To Do!

It's Quite True I'm Not Drinking Anymore; However, I'm Not Drinking Any Less Either.

The Cost Of Living Has Gone Up Another Dollar A Quart.

If A Thing Is Worth Having, It's Worth Cheating For.

I'm Free Of All Prejudices. I Hate Everyone Equally.

Set Up Another Case Bartender! The Best Thing For A Case Of Nerves Is A Case Of Scotch.

I Was In Love With A Beautiful Blonde Once. She Drove Me To Drink. That's The One Thing I'm Indebted To Her For.

Always Carry A Flagon Of Whiskey In Case Of Snakebite, And Furthermore Always Carry A Small Snake.

The Two-headed Boy In The Circus Never Had Such A Headache.

I Note The Derogatory Rumors Concerning The Use Of Alcoholic Stimulants And Lavish Living. It Is The Penalty Of Greatness.

I Once Donated A Pint Of My Finest Red Corpuscles To The Great American Red Cross And The Doctor Opined My Blood Was Very Helpful; Contained So Much Alcohol They Could Use It To Sterilize Their Instruments.

A Comic Should Suffer As Much Over A Single Line As A Man With A Hernia Would In Picking Up A Heavy Barbell.

A Man Who's Intoxicated All The Time Doesn't Need Sympathy.

The Funniest Thing A Comedian Can Do Is Not Do It.

I Never Voted For Anybody. I Always Voted Against.

I Like My Films To Influence The Audience. Even If It Means Tripping Their Aged Grandparents With A Cane When They Get Home.

I Used To Be Indecisive, Now I'm Not So Sure.

Back In My Rummy Days, I Would Tremble And Shake For Hours Upon Arising. It Was The Only Exercise I Got.

The Income Tax Was Devised To Give Lawyers And Certified Public Accountants Business. Few Persons Can Make Head, Tail, Or Middle Out Of It. Einstein Admitted He Couldn't.

Some Things Are Better Than Sex, And Some Are Worse, But There's Nothing Exactly Like It.

I'd Take A Bromo, But I Can't Stand The Noise.

I Like Children - Fried.

I've Been Drunk Only Once In My Life. But That Lasted For Twenty-three Years.

Never Try To Impress A Woman, Because If You Do She'll Expect You To Keep Up The Standard For The Rest Of Your Life.

Rest Of Your Life

Hollywood Is The Gold Cap On A Tooth That Should Have Been Pulled Out Years Ago.

I Would Rather Be Living In Philadelphia.

The Clever Cat Eats Cheese And Breathes Down Rat Holes With Baited Breath.

You Can Fool Some Of The People Some Of The Time -- And That's Enough To Make A Decent Living.

Happiness Means Quiet Nerves.

I Am An Expert Of Electricity. My Father Occupied The Chair Of Applied Electricity At The State Prison.

I Drink Therefore I Am.

Horse Sense Is The Thing A Horse Has Which Keeps It From Betting On People.

I Never Drink Water. I'm Afraid It Will Become Habit-forming.

It's A Wonderful Thing, The D.t.'s. You Can Travel The World In A Couple Of Hours. You See Some Mighty Funny And Curious Things That Come In Assorted Colors.

My Illness Is Due To My Doctor's Insistence That I Drink Milk, A Whitish Fluid They Force Down Helpless Babies.

No Man Is Boss In His Own Home, But He Can Make Up For It, He Thinks, By Making A Dog Play Dead.

Never Mind What I Told You - You Do As I Tell You.

In Every Big City There Is Always One Surefire Laugh, And That Lies In Hanging Some Piece Of Idiocy Upon The People Of A Nearby City Or Town.

To Me, These Biblical Stories Are Just So Many Fish Stories, And I'm Not Specifically Referring To Jonah And The Whale. I Need Indisputable Proof Of Anything I'm Asked To Believe.

My Main Ambition As A Gardener Is To Water My Orange Trees With Gin, Then All I Have To Do Is Squeeze The Juice Into A Glass.

Some Weasel Took The Cork Out Of My Lunch.

Now Don't Say You Can't Swear Off Drinking; It's Easy. I've Done It A Thousand Times.

I Always Made Up My Own Acts; Built Them Out Of My Knowledge And Observation Of Real Life. I'd Had Wonderful Opportunities To Study People; And Every Time I Went Out On The Stage I Tried To Show The Audience Some Bit Of True Human Nature.

Never Work With Animals Or Children.

A Woman Drove Me To Drink And I Didn't Even Have The Decency To Thank Her.

Christmas At My House Is Always At Least Six Or Seven Times More Pleasant Than Anywhere Else. We Start Drinking Early. And While Everyone Else Is Seeing Only One Santa Claus, We'll Be Seeing Six Or Seven.

The Advantages Of Whiskey Over Dogs Are Legion. Whiskey Does Not Need To Be Periodically Wormed, It Does Not Need To Be Fed, It Never Requires A Special Kennel, It Has No Toenails To Be Clipped Or Coat To Be Stripped. Whiskey Sits Quietly In Its Special Nook Until You Want It. True, Whiskey Has A Nasty Habit Of Running Out, But Then So Does A Dog.

Somebody's Been Putting Pineapple Juice In My Pineapple Juice!

Comedy Is A Serious Business. A Serious Business With Only One Purpose--to Make People Laugh.

California Is The Only State In The Union Where You Can Fall Asleep Under A Rose Bush In Full Bloom And Freeze To Death.

I Always Keep A Supply Of Stimulant Handy In Case I See A Snake, Which I Also Keep Handy.

I Don't Drink Water. Have You Seen The Way It Rusts Pipes?

Few Things In Life Are More Embarrassing Than The Necessity Of Having To Inform An Old Friend That You Have Just Got Engaged To His Fiancee.

I Have Been Advised By The Best Medical Authority, At My Age, Not To Attempt To Give Up Alcohol.

I Don't Drink Anymore, On The Other Hand I Don't Drink Any Less Either.

There Are Only Two Real Ways To Get Ahead Today - Sell Liquor Or Drink It.

Buried My Wife The Other Day. Had To, She Died.

I Don't Have To Attend Every Argument I'm Invited To.

Ye Gads, No! I Couldn't Stand The Noise.

I Don't Object To Nine Aces In One Deck. But When A Man Lays Down Five Aces In One Hand... And Besides, I Know What I Dealt Him!

Some People Are Born Losers; Others Acquire The Knack Gradually.

I Don't Know Why I Ever Come In Here. The Flies Get The Best Of Everything.

I Didn't Say The Meat Was Tough. I Said I Didn't See The Horse That Is Usually Outside.

It Is Well To Remember That There Are Five Reasons For Drinking: The Arrival Of A Friend, One's Present Or Future Thirst, The Excellence Of The Cognac, Or Any Other Reason

If Pigs Had Wings, They Would Be Pigeons.

Ah, The Patter Of Little Feet Around The House. There's Nothing Like Having A Midget For A Butler.

In The Ten Years Since I Had Run Away From Home...i Had Gone Through More Strange Experiences Than The Average Person Crowds Into A Whole Lifetime.

I Never Drank Anything Stronger Than Beer Before I Was Twelve.

Show Me A Great Actor And I'll Show You A Lousy Husband. Show Me A Great Actress, And You've Seen The Devil.

If It Does Not Work The First Time, Try, Try Again. Then Quit. No Need To Be An Idiot.

After Two Days In The Hospital, I Turn To The Nurse.

If I Ever Found A Church That Didn't Believe In Knocking All The Other Churches, I Might Consider Joining It.

Don't Worry About Your Heart, It Will Last You As Long As You Live.

Yes I Do Like Children ... Girl Children...about Eighteen Or Twenty.

I Never Drink Water... Fish F**k In It.

I'm Searching For Loopholes.

Dentists, Lawyers, Doctors Are All A Bunch Of Thieving Bastards.

Marry An Outdoors Woman. Then If You Throw Her Out Into The Yard On A Cold Night, She Can Still Survive.

When We Have Lost Everything, Including Hope, Life Becomes A Disgrace, And Death A Duty.

Lost Everything

I Ad Lib Most Of My Dialogue. If I Did Remember My Lines, It Would Be Too Bad For Me.

My Daughter Wants To Throw A Stone At A Bad Man. I Stop Her From Throwing, Shaking My Head And Giving Her A Little Slap. My Disapproval Is Complete. You Think: 'that's Right, She Shouldn't Throw A Stone Even At A Villain.' Then I Hand Her A Brick To Throw.

Was I In Here Last Night And Did I Spend A $20 Bill? Oh, Thank Goodness... I Thought I'd Lost It.

Sex Isn't Necessary. You Don't Die Without It, But You Can Die Having It.

Ain't Fit For Man Nor Beast

I'm Looking For Loopholes.

I Could Be Stranded In Any Town In The United States With Ten Cents And Within An Hour Make $20 With The Shell Game.

I Think Of The Church Often. Not Because Religion Was Closing In On Me, But Because For A Long Time My Ass Was Sore From That Hard, Unupholstered Pew.

I Never Met A Kid I Liked.

Remember, Lady Godiva Put All She Had On A Horse And She Lost Her Shirt!

It's What You Do That Counts And Not What You Say; Therefore I Fired My Press Agent.

I've Been Barbecued, Stewed, Screwed, Tattooed, And Fried By People Claiming To Be My Friends. The Human Race Has Gone Backward, Not Forward, Since The Days We Were Apes Swinging Through The Trees.

Try Till You Succeed...if You Don't Succeed Once, Then Destroy All Evidence Of The Fact That You Tried!

What Would You Do If You Were President, And, On The First Day Of May, The Russian Ambassador Presented You With A Beautiful Cake Which Emitted A Curious Ticking Noise? Would You Plunge It Into A Pail Of Water - Thus Insulting Soviet Cuisine In General?

I Seldom Took A Drink On The Set Before 9 A.m.

The Funniest Thing About Comedy Is That You Never Know Why People Laugh. I Know What Makes Them Laugh But Trying To Get Your Hands On The Why Of It Is Like Trying To Pick An Eel Out Of A Tub Of Water.

I Feel Like A Midget With Muddy Feet Had Been Walking Over My Tongue All Night.

Drown In A Cold Vat Of Whiskey? Death, Where Is Thy Sting?

You Can't Cheat An Honest Man.

I Once Spent A Year In Philadelphia, I Think It Was On A Sunday.

No One Likes The Fellow Who Is All Rogue, But We'll Forgive Him Almost Anything If There Is Warmth Of Human Sympathy Underneath His Rogueries. The Immortal Types Of Comedy Are Just Such Men.

When You Wake Up In The Morning, Smile - And Get It Over With.

I Believe In Tying The Marriage Knot, As Long As It's Around The Woman's Neck

I Only Drink To Steady My Nerves... Sometimes I'm So Steady I Don't Move For Months.

I Cook With Wine, Sometimes I Even Add It To The Food.

The Nation Needs To Return To The Colonial Way Of Life, When A Wife Was Judged By The Amount Of Wood She Could Split.

When Doctors And Undertakers Meet, They Wink At Each Other.

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's House Unless They Have A Well-stocked Bar.

Scotch Needs Water Like A Fish Needs A Bicycle.

During One Of My Treks Through Afghanistan, We Lost Our Corkscrew. We Were Compelled To Live On Food And Water For Several Days.

Just Like My Uncle Charlie Used To Say, Just Before He Sprung The Trap: He Said, "you Can't Cheat And Honest Man! Never Give A Sucker An Even Break Or Smarten Up A Chump!

I Never Smoked A Cigar In My Life Until I Was Nine

Oh, Insomnia! Ah, Well, I Know A Good Cure For It... Get Plenty Of Sleep.

Last Week, I Went To Philadelphia, But It Was Closed.

I Never Worry About Being Driven To Drink; I Just Worry About Being Driven Home.

Remember, A Dead Fish Can Float Downstream, But It Takes A Live One To Swim Upstream.

It Ain't What They Call You, It's What You Answer To.

The First Thing Any Comedian Does On Getting An Unscheduled Laugh Is To Verify The State Of His .

Children Should Neither Be Seen Or Heard From - Ever Again.

I Have A Poor Memory For Names; But I Seldom Remember A Face.

Business Is An Establishment That Gives You The Legal, Even Though Unethical, Right To Screw The Naive-right, Left, And In The Middle.

It's Morally Wrong To Allow A Sucker To Keep His Money.

There Are Seven Natural Openings In The Head And Body. A Lawyer Is The Only Human Being With Eight. The Extra One Is A Slot To Store Money In, Should His Bank Be Unable To Hold All Of It.

Alcoholic: Anybody Who Drinks More Than I Do.

Variant: I Was Driven To Drink By A Woman. I Am Forever Grateful, Yet I Never Had The Good Manners To Thank Her.

When Asked To Borrow Money: "i'll See What My Lawyer Says. . . . And If He Says Yes, I'll Get Another Lawyer.

If I Had To Live My Life Over, I'd Live Over A Saloon.

I Like Children. If They're Properly Cooked.

Wouldn't It Be Terrible If I Quoted Some Reliable Statistics Which Prove That More People Are Driven Insane Through Religious Hysteria Than By Drinking Alcohol.

There Are Better Things Than Sex, But Nothing Quite Like It.

It's A Funny Old World. A Man's Lucky If He Gets Out Of It Alive.

I Don't Believe In Dining On An Empty Stomach.

There's No Such Thing As A Tough Child - If You Parboil Them First For Seven Hours, They Always Come Out Tender.

When Life Hands You Lemons, Make Whisky Sours.

Money Will Not Buy Happiness, But It Will Let You Be Unhappy In Nice Places.

Where There Is A Will, There's Prosperity Around The Corner.

Thou Shalt Not Take The Name Of The Lord Thy God In Vain Unless You've Used Up All The Other Four-letter Words.

I Write My Scripts Short And They Develop On The Set, Which I Have Found A Far Better Premise Both Economically And Practically.

I Didn't Squawk About The Steak, Dear. I Merely Said I Didn't See That Old Horse That Used To Be Tethered Outside Here.

The Laziest Man I Ever Met Put Popcorn In His Pancakes So They Would Turn Over By Themselves.

A Rich Man Is Nothing But A Poor Man With Money.

I Spent Half My Money On Gambling, Alcohol And Wild Women. The Other Half I Wasted.

I Like Thieves. Some Of My Best Friends Are Thieves. Why, Just Last Week We Had The President Of The Bank Over For Dinner.

Never Cry Over Spilt Milk, Because It May Have Been Poisoned.

Abstaining Is Favorable Both To The Head And The Pocket.

The World Is Getting To Be Such A Dangerous Place, A Man Is Lucky To Get Out Of It Alive.

First Prize Was A Week In Philadelphia. Second Prize Was Two Weeks.

Beer: Helping Ugly People Have Sex Since 3000 B. C.

Never Give A Sucker An Even Break.

A Man Who Overindulges Lives In A Dream. He Becomes Conceited. He Thinks The Whole World Revolves Around Him; And It Usually Does.

All The Men In My Family Were Bearded, And Most Of The Women.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Try, Try Again. Then Quit. There's No Point In Being A Damn Fool About It.

I Never Eat Before Breakfast.

Everybody's Got To Believe In Something. I Believe I'll Have Another Beer.

The Punkwat Twins! Brentwood Is The World's Smallest Giant, Whilst His Brother, Elwood, Is The Largest Midget In The World. They Baffle Science!

Indeed, Moderation Is My Middle Name (though I Do Not Often Use It In Signing Legal Documents)

W. C. Fields, A Lifetime Agnostic, Was Discovered Reading A Bible On His Deathbed. ''i'm Looking For A Loop-hole,'' He Explained.

The Only Thing A Lawyer Won't Question Is The Legitimacy Of His Mother.

Trust Everybody, But Cut The Cards Yourself.

Never Eat At A Place Called 'moms', But If The Only Other Place In Town Has A Sign That Says 'eats', Go Back To Moms.

What A Gorgeous Day. What Effulgent Sunshine. It Was A Day Of This Sort The Mcgillicuddy Brothers Murdered Their Mother With An Axe.

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