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What Kind Of Life Are You Leading Where You Consider Ketchup Fancy? "well, We Ain't Rich Folk, But On Special Occasions, I'll Break Out The Ketchup. Grandma's Birthday, Make Her Feel Special"

-Jim Gaffigan

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What Kind Of Life

Jim Gaffigan

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What Kind Of Life Are You Leading Where You Consider Ketchup Fancy? "well, We Ain't Rich Folk, But On Special Occasions, I'll Break Out The Ketchup. Grandma's Birthday, Make Her Feel Special"

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You Ever Find Yourself Being Lazy For No Reason At All? Like, You Pick Up Your Mail, You Go In Your House, You Realize You Have A Letter For A Neighbor. You Ever Just Look At The Letter And Go "hm. Looks Like They're Never Getting This. It'll Take Too Much Energy To Go Back Outside. I'm Gonna Get That To Them Later On. Right Now I Gotta Watch Some 'love Connection.' They Got Some New Host On There."

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Is There A Homeless Guy Built In To The Design Of Dunkin' Donuts? ...there'll Be An Entrance Here... A Deranged Lunatic Here.

Whenever I'm Out Of Town For At Least A Week, I Feel Like I Should Write A Postcard Or Something, But You Can Be A Genius, You Try And Write A Postcard You Come Across Like A Moron Anyway: 'this City's Got Big Buildings. I Like Food. Bye.'

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We All Take Mother's Day Seriously And Then It's Like A Month Later, A Bunch Of Kids Get Together And Say, "i Guess We Should Do This For The Old Man, Too." Father Day's Is Weird. It's Like Celebrating Darth Vader's Birthday. It's Odd I Think. Even The Gifts We Give Dads. Like Neckties, Which Are Just Like A Silk Noose. Or Books. Would You Ever Want Someone From Another Generation To Give You A Book?

Lifetime Is Television For Women. Yet For Some Reason, There's Always A Woman Getting Beaten On That Channel. "in A Lifetime Original, Meredith Baxter-berney Gets Beaten With A Rod. In A Lifetime Original, Rod."

The Amount Of Guilt You Deal With As A Parent Is Pretty Profound. It's A Constant Balancing Act. I'm An Ambitious Person, But When I Became A Father, Ambition Had A Different Hold On Me. Providing For My Kids Was Important, But The Superficial Ambition Drifted Away.

I Would Make Sweet Love To Don Rickles.

You Think Jesus Ever Tried To Talk God Out Of Some Of That Stuff? 'instead Of That Whole Crucifixion, How About We Do A Big Fundraiser!'

Other People's Children's Birthday Parties Are The Most Joyful Events You Will Ever Resent Having To Attend.

The Appetizer Is Just An Excuse For An Extra Meal. Let's See, I Will Start With The Eighty Buffalo Wings.

Who Was The First Person To Walk Into A Harbor And Say, "whatever That Horrible Smell Is I Want To Eat It"

Ever Eat So Much You Feel Sick? Isn't That The Best?

Pie Can't Compete With Cake. Put Candles In A Cake, It's A Birthday Cake. Put Candles In A Pie, Someone's Drunk In The Kitchen.

I Don't Know, I Find That Honestly, The Stand-up Thing In Some Ways Is A Little Bit Of A Cliché To Carry Around, Because People Don't Consider Stand-ups Really Actors.

I Like Bowling. It's Just One Of Those Things Where I Can Do So Many Jokes About It Because I Do Know Bowling. Somebody Once Said, "the Whitest Things In The World Are Jim Gaffigan And Bowling."

Comedy Is A Very Lucrative Business Now, But When Everyone First Went Into It, It Didn't Make Sense From A Financial Standpoint.

I Don't Want People To Think I Believe In God.

I Think Comedians Get Too Much Credit Or Too Much Criticism For The Style Of Comedy They Do, And They Generally Do The Style Of Comedy That Works For Them. [...] There's No Kind Of Shrewd Calculation Going Into The Type Of Standup We All Do. It's Like David Cross Is Supposed To Be Doing The David Cross' Type Of Standup.

I Had Some Jokes That Were Dirty. And Some Of It Is When I Started Making Appearances On Conan And Letterman Back In The Late '90s, I Think. You Had To Remove The Curse Words, Or You Couldn't Do Some Of The More Explicit Jokes.

I Need The Concept Of Mercy For Me To Have Some Semblance Of Self-admiration. So In Real Life, I'm Probably Somebody Who Is More Devout.

Some People That Work For Hot Pockets Came To My Denver Paramount Theater Show. They Brought These Hot Pocket Boxes The Size Of Suit Cases For Me To Sign. I Wrote "these Are Wmd's" On The Boxes. The Hp People Seem To Have A Good Sense Of Humor About All Of It.

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It Doesn't Matter If You're Religious Or Not. Does Anything Make You Feel More Uncomfortable Than Some Stranger Going, I'd Like To Talk To You About Jesus?

Deep Frying A Twinkie Makes It Healthy, Right?

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The Idea Of Having A Large Family, I Definitely Had A Romantic Notion Of It.

Whenever You Go Out To Eat You Gotta Get The Appetizer. 'cause The Appetizer's Just An Excuse For An Extra Meal. You're Always Like "lets See, I Will Start With The 80 Buffalo Wings...and Do You Have A Low-cal Blue Cheese? 'cause I Don't Wanna Fill Up Too Much."

I Was Still Rooting For Notre Dame.it's Like There's The Cultural Catholic Experience.

I Don't Want To Pick A Team. I Want To Make People Laugh And Hopefully Bring Some - Be Humorous About The Human Experience, You Know, Whether They're People Of Any Stripes Of Life.

Steakhouses Sort Of Have This Old-school Nature To Them; They're Like Museums Full Of Good Food. It's Fun Hearing The Waiter Share His Expertise On The Different Cuts Of Beef And How They're Going To Cut Up Your Baked Potato.

I've Never Eaten A Hot Pocket And Then Afterwards Been, I'm Glad I Ate That. I'm Always Like, I'm Gonna Die.

It's A Balancing Act Of You Feel Horrible That You're Away But There Is Something About The Road That Is Rather Liberating.

You Can't Tell Me The Success Of Kevin Bacon Isn't Somehow Tied To His Name. You're Not Going Out To See A Kevin Hot-dog Movie.

The Reason I Say I'm A Horrible Person Is I Don't Want Myself To Be Presented As Somebody Who's A Great Catholic.

Horrible Person

My Kids Are So Dramatically Different, But It's Not Like I Would Trade One In Or Like There's One I Would Pick Over The Other Ones. I Know That Sounds Like I'm Bullshitting. I Also Have Five Of Them So I Barely Know Them.

I Guess The Reasons Against Having More Children Always Seem Uninspiring And Superficial. What Exactly Am I Missing Out On? Money? A Few More Hours Of Sleep? A More Peaceful Meal? More Hair? These Are Nothing Compared To What I Get From These Five Monsters Who Rule My Life.

I Am Somebody Who - My Path To My Faith Is Very Kind Of Individual, And I Don't Want To Be Lumped Into The Category Of Those Westboro Baptists.

There Were Times In My Life When I Had One Thing To Do All Day, But I Still Couldn’t Get To It. “i Gotta Go To The Post Office, But I’d Probably Have To Put On Pants. And They’re Only Open Till Five. Looks Like I’m Going To Have To Do That Next Week.

I'm A Comedian, Which Is The Opposite Of A Lifestyle That Equips You To Be A Parent.

Once You Put Bacon Into A Salad It's No Longer A Salad, It Just Becomes A Game Of Find The Bacon In The Lettuce. It's Like You're Panning For Gold, Hmmmmm, Eureka!

My Favorite Vegetable Is The Marshmallow.

Nursery Schools And Bars At 2 A.m. Are The Only Places Where It Is Completely Normal If Someone Just Spontaneously Throws Up On The Floor...and Just Like A Toddler, The Bar Patron Wakes Up The Next Day Not Remembering Or Caring How They Behaved.

I Think Growing Up In Indiana Prepares Anyone For A Life In Comedy. I Do Feel Like There Is A Certain Kind Of Self-effacing Cynicism Among All Hoosiers.

What Exactly Are The Ingredients Of Ranch Dressing? Mayo And Disappointment?

The Only Advantage To Wearing Glasses Is That You Can Do That Dramatic Removal.

Weight Watchers Says Nothing Tastes Better Than Thin Feels. I Can Think Of A Thousand Things That Taste Better Than Thin Feels.

Weight Watchers

Babies And Toddlers Are Mostly What I've Been Exposed To At This Point. I'm Hoping Parenting Just Gets Much Easier After This. It Does, Right?

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