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I Think Comedians Get Too Much Credit Or Too Much Criticism For The Style Of Comedy They Do, And They Generally Do The Style Of Comedy That Works For Them. [...] There's No Kind Of Shrewd Calculation Going Into The Type Of Standup We All Do. It's Like David Cross Is Supposed To Be Doing The David Cross' Type Of Standup.

-Jim Gaffigan

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I Think Comedians Get

Jim Gaffigan

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I Think Comedians Get Too Much Credit Or Too Much Criticism For The Style Of Comedy They Do, And They Generally Do The Style Of Comedy That Works For Them. [...] There's No Kind Of Shrewd Calculation Going Into The Type Of Standup We All Do. It's Like David Cross Is Supposed To Be Doing The David Cross' Type Of Standup.

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Stand-up Used To Be Much More Of A Form Combat. Heckling Was Much More Common [in The '90s]. And I Couldn't Get Stage Time, And So I Would Go Out To Pip's In Sheepshead Bay.

I Watch A Lot Of Tv, I Drink A Lot Of Coffee, But You Know What's Really Addictive? Heroin.

Playing Frisbee With A Five Year Old Is Amazingly Similar To Chasing After A Frisbee.

I Personally Have No Interest In Being A Star Or A Celebrity. I Want My Stand-up Comedy And How I Think As A Comedian To Be Recognized And Successful.

I Always Want My Standup Act To Appeal To Everybody In The Room, And When I Started Standup, And I Would See People Talk About Their Kids And Their Wife, And I'd Always Cringe A Little Bit, Like, 'i Can't Get A Date, I Don't Know What You're Talking About.'

There Were Times In My Life When I Had One Thing To Do All Day, But I Still Couldn’t Get To It. “i Gotta Go To The Post Office, But I’d Probably Have To Put On Pants. And They’re Only Open Till Five. Looks Like I’m Going To Have To Do That Next Week.

All I Want To Do Is Be A Good Dad, But I'm Pretty Bad At It.

I Think When I Started Doing Stand-up, That's When I Really Tried To Question Everything In My Belief System Which Is - I Think A Pretty Important Part Of Being A Comedian Is Really Questioning Things.

What Kind Of Life Are You Leading Where You Consider Ketchup Fancy? "well, We Ain't Rich Folk, But On Special Occasions, I'll Break Out The Ketchup. Grandma's Birthday, Make Her Feel Special"

I Don't Have Any Delusions. I'm Not A Novelist - I'm A Comedian Who Writes. I Love Doing The Stand-up And The Touring And The Albums And All That, But It's Pretty Amazing To Go Into A Library And See Your Book There.

I'd Have To Say Sunset Salsa. Nothing Against Honey Lime, But It's For Losers.

I'm There To Make People Laugh. I'm Not Trying To Come Across As Sexy.

Whenever I'm Out Of Town For At Least A Week, I Feel Like I Should Write A Postcard Or Something, But You Can Be A Genius, You Try And Write A Postcard You Come Across Like A Moron Anyway: 'this City's Got Big Buildings. I Like Food. Bye.'

Bacon Is Like The Opposite Of Medicine. It's Like, "take That, Lipitor."

You Can Never Look That Tough In Glasses. ... You Never See Somebody Push Up Their Glasses And Say, "i'm Gonna Kick Your Ass."

I Was The Youngest Of Six Kids, So Yeah, Feeding Myself Was Important, But It's Not Like I Was Obsessed With Food Growing Up.

I Kind Of Consider Myself... I Mean, I Try To Have My Comedy Be Accessible, And If People Are Paying $30 To See Me In A Theater And They Want To Have Their Picture Taken With Me, It's Not The End Of The World. It's One Of Those Things, Where I'm Not The Only Comic Who Does It. A Lot Of Comics Do It. If I'm Doing A 4,000-seat Venue, It Might Be A Little Bit Of A Different Task, But It's All Good.

Some Fast Food Places, They Have That Ketchup Pump. It's Like A Keg. They Give You The Paper Shot Glass. I Always Like To Hang Around There, Try And Meet The Ladies. "here, I'll Pump For You. You Come To This Wendy's Often? My Roommate And I, We Got A Pony Pump Back At My Dorm. Here's An Extra Shot "

I Was Raised In A Family Where My Father Was The First One To Go To College.

It's Difficult To Parent One Kid, Let Alone Five! It's Insane. It's This Strange, Overwhelming Mess That I Would Not Trade For Anything. I Think It's More Difficult In New York City. It's Not Like We Can Hop In The Minivan And Go Somewhere. I Don't Own A Car. It's Chaos Anywhere. Being A Parent Is Difficult. Being A Son And A Daughter Is Difficult. It's A Human Relationship.

Kale Is A Superfood And It’s Special Power Is Tasting Bad.

I Guess The Reasons Against Having More Children Always Seem Uninspiring And Superficial. What Exactly Am I Missing Out On? Money? A Few More Hours Of Sleep? A More Peaceful Meal? More Hair? These Are Nothing Compared To What I Get From These Five Monsters Who Rule My Life.

I Don't Want People To Think I Believe In God.

Don't Get Caught Up In Other People's Expectations. Don't Take Anything For Granted, Either.

I've Been Doing Stand-up For So Long, I Think 19 Years, That I Love Topics I Can Also Expand On. Once I Identify A Topic Like, Say, Seafood, Which Is A Big One Right Now, It's Like There Are Different Kinds Of Tangents I Can Go On To Build A Larger Chunk.

I'm Much More Interested In Making People Laugh Than Getting Applause Breaks.

Yeah, I Am A Character Actor.

We Wrote About Having Five Kids And Bringing Them To Church. A Journalist At The Washington Post Wrote This Article Where The Headline Was "the New Catholic Evangelism Of Jim Gaffigan." And It Was A Bit Terrifying.

Deep Frying A Twinkie Makes It Healthy, Right?

You Can Never Find The Right Bowling Ball. This One's Too Heavy. This One's Good But Its Pink!

People Get Burned Out In Big Families, You Can Even See It In The Naming Of Children. Like The First Kid, "you Were Named After Grandma." The Seventh Kid, "you Were Named After A Sandwich I Had. Now Get Your Brother, Reuben."

I Wouldn't Say That Comedy Brought Me Away From It.i Think That My Idea Of Faith Was Another Obligation In My Life.

I'm Definitely Hesitant Wearing Shorts During The Summer. Like For A Pale Person, You Know, Summer - Everyone In The World Is So Excited For Summer, But Pale People, We're Just Like, Oh No.

The Idea Of Being A Practicing Catholic, It's - For Me, It's Like - I Need A Lot Of Practice, You Know What I Mean?

I Kinda Expected To Turn The Bottle And See A Recipe. "so That's How You Make Ice Cubes. Apparently You Just Freeze This Stuff. Oh, But You Need A Tray. That's How They Trick You Into It."

Bacon Bits Are Like The Fairy Dust Of The Food Community.

I Would Say My Return To My Faith Is - It's A Very Personal Thing.

Personal Things

There's This Message To Comedians In Particular, That You Shouldn't Write It, And A Television Writer Should Write It. And That's A Prevailing Conventional Wisdom That I Think Is Really Wrong. That's Not To Say That Television Writers Aren't Great, But I Think That The Belief That Some Comedy Writer's Going To Be Able To Capture Your Voice Is Naive.

That's Why When I Send A Postcard I Quiz People. "hey, Did You Get That Postcard?" "yeah, Yeah Yeah." "well What'd I Say?" "uh, You Were Havin-" "i Was In Jail"

Even When You Hear About A Comedian Getting Married, Among Comedians, We're Always Kind Of Like, What Are They Doing?

Life Is A Little Easier For Attractive People. Think About It: If A Stranger Smiles At You And They’re Attractive, You Think, ‘oh, They’re Nice,’ But If A Stranger’s Ugly, You’re Like, ‘what Do They Want? Get Away From Me, Weirdo.

Wouldn't It Have Been Weird To Go To High School With The Pope? You Know, Somebody Did, Someone's Sitting At Home, Watching Tv In Poland, They See The Pope, They Think, "that Guy Was A Jerk! He Was So Mean To Me And Now He's Pope? I Got A Swirly From The Pope!"

I Wish, In Some Ways, I Was The Type Of Comedian Who Could Do Something Blistering And Topical, But I'm The Guy Who Gets Stuck In The Revolving Door And Thinks I Should Write About That.

The Dc Improv Food Is Amazingly Edible For A Comedy Club.

Oh. What If We Eat A Lot With People That Annoy The Hell Out Of Us?

If Camping Is So Great, Why Are The Bugs Always Trying To Get In Your House?

The Entertainment Business Is Such A Strange, Crazy Perception Business That You're Either Given Way Too Much Respect, Like People Saying, "you Should Be The Head Of The Sitcom!" Or You're Given No Respect, Where They're Like, "you Should Audition To Be The Garbage Man That Lives Four Houses Down."

It's Amazing How Email Has Changed Our Lives. You Ever Get A Handwritten Letter In The Mail Today? 'what The? Has Someone Been Kidnapped?'

Most Of My Material Is , It Doesn't Necessarily Involve A Lot Of Editing. So Even The Show With The World Meeting Of Families In Philadelphia, I Don't Have To Worry About Some Of The Material Being Inappropriate.

Screaming. Did I Mention The Screaming? Screaming Is Usually Associated With Horror Films And Roller Coasters. This Is Why I Usually Look Like I've Just Watched A Horror Film On A Rollercoaster. Kids Love To Scream. Frightened, Happy, Bored. They Scream. I've Actually Learned To Love The Sound Of A Vacuum Cleaner. It's Just So Peaceful.

I Feel Guilty If I'm Not Reading Books, But I Read Scripts Of Movies Or Things That I Know I'm Committed To That I'm Going To Do The Project. I Tell Myself, "i'm Going To Read This Script Like Six Times," And I Only Read It The Initial Time.

Comedians Rarely Have Writers, And If You Do It's Usually A Sign Of Laziness.

I Initially Signed Up For Twitter Just To Do Jokes I Wasn't Going To Do In My Stand-up Routine.

I Married A Woman Who Loves To Camp, And I Am What You Would Call "indoorsy"... My Wife Always Brings Up, "camping's A Tradition In My Family." Hey, It Was A Tradition In Everyone's Family 'til We Came Up With The House.

A Lot Of People Are Like, "you're Doing Commercials?" And I Honestly Feel Like Those Sierra Mist Commercials Are Better Than A Lot Of Sitcoms I Get Offered. It's Hard Work, And I'm Paid A Lot Of Money, And I Do It Because I Love The Soda.

It's Kind Of Hard To Articulate, But, Like, This Notion Of Mercy, Forgiveness, Was Very Appealing For Me. It Was Very Profound. And It Had A Deep Impact, And I Think It Still Does.

"entertainers Of Faith," Funnyman Jim Gaffigan Isn't Ashamed Of His Catholicism. He's Seen Here Leaving A New York Comedy Club With His Bible In Hand.

In Stand Up, You Get An Awareness Of How You Come Across, But In Acting There Is Almost A Hyper-awareness On How You Might Be Physically Perceived.

I Love Standup Comedians. I Really Do.

Stand Up Comedian

How About Those People Who Don't Need Sleep? What Are They Called Again? Successful? What A Bunch Of Dicks They Are.

There's Something That's Really Fun About The Challenge Of Making The Mundane Funny, Too, I Think.

When I'm In Touch With The Idea That There Is A Higher Power And That There Is, You Know, Other Factors At Work, It - It Kind Of Quells My Narcissism.

I Spent Most Of My Adult Life Essentially Agnostic Or An Atheist.

Lifetime Is Television For Women. Yet For Some Reason, There's Always A Woman Getting Beaten On That Channel. "in A Lifetime Original, Meredith Baxter-berney Gets Beaten With A Rod. In A Lifetime Original, Rod."

Well My Chocolate Is So Good I Could Sell It In An Obnoxious Prism Shape.

As A Dad, You Are The Vice President Of The Executive Branch Of Parenting. It Doesn't Matter What Your Personality Is Like, You Will Always Be Al Gore To Your Wife's Bill Clinton. She Feels The Pain And You Are The Annoying Nerd Telling Them To Turn Off The Lights.

Sometimes Being Lazy Can Get You In Trouble. You Ever Not Take A Shower All Weekend, Just Lounge Around, Then You're Running Late For Work On Monday? There's Always One Person At Work: "something Smells Like Smoke In Here!" "uh, I Went To A Barbeque On Friday Night. Only Had 48 Hours To Take A Shower. Busy."

The Amount Of Guilt You Deal With As A Parent Is Pretty Profound. It's A Constant Balancing Act. I'm An Ambitious Person, But When I Became A Father, Ambition Had A Different Hold On Me. Providing For My Kids Was Important, But The Superficial Ambition Drifted Away.

In Indiana, I Wasn't Anything Special. But In New York, I've Gone Out With Girls With Purple Hair Who Go Out With Me Because I'm Exotic!

Without Valentine's Day, February Would Be... Well, January.

How Did We Get To The Point Where We're Paying For Bottled Water? That Must Have Been Some Weird Marketing Meeting Over In France. Some French Guy's Sitting There, Like, "how Dumb Do I Think The Americans Are? I Bet You We Could Sell Those Idiots Water."

Every Morning I Hear The Alarm, It's Like "beep Beep Beep" For Second I'm Like, "i Could Get Used To That, Just Dream I'm In A Techno Club, Or Something."

I'm Not Saying That Mcdonald's Gift Certificates Caused The Obesity Epidemic, But In Retrospect, The Timing Is Kind Of Suspicious.

Obesity Epidemic

I Grew Up 45 Minutes Outside Of Chicago.

What Was The Idea Behind Hot Pockets? Was There A Marketing Meeting Somewhere, 'hey I Got An Idea: How About We Take A Pop-tart And Fill It With Really Nasty Meat? You Could Cook It In A Sleeve Thing, And You Could Dunk It In The Toilet.'

My Faith Kind Of Keeps Me In Touch With The Idea That I'm Not In Control Of Things.

I Realized, In Removing Or Rewriting These Jokes, That Often The Jokes Weren't Done Or That I Was Using, For Me, The Curse Words As Kind Of A Crutch. So Then I Just Started Writing.

That's Not To Say That I'm A Well-informed Catholic. I'm Still In Idiot.

It's A Balancing Act Of You Feel Horrible That You're Away But There Is Something About The Road That Is Rather Liberating.

Pie Can't Compete With Cake. Put Candles In A Cake, It's A Birthday Cake. Put Candles In A Pie, Someone's Drunk In The Kitchen.

The Whole Idea Of Comedy, There Is Nothing Normal About Going Up On Stage To Make Strangers Laugh. But I'm Also Not An Exhibitionist Like Other Comics. I'm Not Up There Talking About Masturbating.

I Always Seem To Be Chosen To Do Very Flattering Things Like The Beard Comb Over Or Go To The Bathroom With The Door Open On Sex And The City Or Be The Guy People Meow At In Super Troopers. It's Great For Self Esteem.

I Was Watching Animal Planet. Did You Know That The Male Seahorse Has The Baby? And I Was Thinking, "why Don't They Just Call That The Female Seahorse?" You Know It's Just Some Stubborn Scientist. "yeah, That One There's The Male Seahorse." And His Assistant's Like, "uh, Bill, That One's Having A Baby." ... "the Male Has The Baby. You're Fired."

Once You Identify Yourself As Believing Something, You Open Yourself To Ridicule.

Comedy Is A Very Lucrative Business Now, But When Everyone First Went Into It, It Didn't Make Sense From A Financial Standpoint.

I Do Have Some Catholic Stuff That Is Done From The Perspective Of An Ignorant Catholic. But Other Than That, Topic-wise, There's Nothing Really Filthy.

There Are People That Are Vegetarians That Love Bacon.

There Are Different Parts Of Us. You Want To Feel Safe But You Want To Also Feel Challenged.

Don't Take This The Wrong Way But I Care More And I'm A Better Online Friend Than You. I Also Spend Way To Much Time Online.

I Don't Know About You, But When They First Introduced Bottled Water, I Thought It Was So Funny, I Was Like "bottled Water! Haha, They're Selling Bottled Water! ... I Guess I'll Try It. Ah, This Is Good, This Is More Watery Than Water. Yeah, This Has Got A Water Kick To It."

really, There Are Two Types Of People Who Go Bowling. There Are People Who Really, Really Love Bowling. Then There Are The People That Are Like: Wouldnt It Be Hysterical If We Went Bowling?

Ever Eat So Much You Feel Sick? Isn't That The Best?

They Always Give You Three Ketchup Packets. When You Go Back Up And Ask For More, The Guy Handing Them Out Always Treats You Like You're Taking From His Personal Stash. "looks Like My Kids Aren't Having Ketchup Tonight."

I Don't Want To Be A Tv Star For The Sake Of Being On Tv. I Want To Have A Tv Show That's Based Around My Comedy.

It Doesn't Matter If You're Religious Or Not. Does Anything Make You Feel More Uncomfortable Than Some Stranger Going, I'd Like To Talk To You About Jesus?

I've Always Been Somebody That It Takes Me Longer To Learn Things, But Once I Learn Them... I'm Like A Quarterback That Plays Best In The Fourth Quarter.

As An Actor, You Deal With So Much Rejection And Humiliation. When The Good Things Come Around, You Tend Not To Trust Your Instincts.

I Do Sierra Mist Commercials Not Because They Pay Me A Lot Of Money Or Because It Only Takes A Couple Of Days. I Do It Because I Have A Respect For All Sodas And I Like To Communicate That. Some People Say Soda, Some People Say Pop, Where I'm From In Indiana They Called It Breakfast.

Thanksgiving. It's Like We Didn't Even Try To Come Up With A Tradition. The Tradition Is, We Overeat. 'hey, How About At Thanksgiving We Just Eat A Lot?' 'but We Do That Every Day!' 'oh. What If We Eat A Lot With People That Annoy The Hell Out Of Us?'

How'd We Come Up With The Robe? Was Some Guy Just Like, 'hey, I've Got An Idea! Why Don't We Make A Coat Out Of A Towel? You Can Have A Little Belt That Goes Around. You Could Dunk The Belt In The Toilet! Have A Toilet Belt.'

Lean Pockets, I Don't Even Wanna Know What's In Those. I Wonder What The Directions Are On A Box Of Lean Pockets: 'remove From Box, Place Directly In Toilet.' Flush Pocket!

Nursery Schools And Bars At 2 A.m. Are The Only Places Where It Is Completely Normal If Someone Just Spontaneously Throws Up On The Floor...and Just Like A Toddler, The Bar Patron Wakes Up The Next Day Not Remembering Or Caring How They Behaved.

My Wife Told Me That In The Bible, Abraham Circumcised Himself... Wow! I Can't Even Get To The Bank Before It Closes.

No Matter How You Feel About Your Extended Family Or Family Gatherings You Will Be Attending. This Is Because Now The Ultimate Reason For Attending Family Gatherings Is For Your Children To Have The Time Of Their Lives With Their Cousins. Little Kids Love Their Cousins. I’m Not Being Cute Or Exaggerating Here. Cousins Are Like Celebrities For Little Kids. If Little Kids Had A People Magazine, Cousins Would Be On The Cover. Cousins Are The Barometers Of How Fun A Family Get-together Will Be. “are The Cousins Going To Be There? Fun!

I'm Kind Of Like A Guy Who's Missing A Little Bit Of The Guy Gene. Like, I Love Steak, But The Notion Of Golfing Is The Last Thing I Would Want To Do. I Love Women, But I'm Also A Mama's Boy, And Some Of My Best Friends Are Women. So I'm Kinda Half Guy's Guy.

The Question Is The Primary Form Of Communication For Little Kids.

People Treat Having A Kid As Somehow Retiring From Success. Quitting. Have You Seen A Baby? They’re Pretty Cute. Loving Them Is Pretty Easy. Smiling Babies Should Actually Be Categorized By The Pharmaceutical Industry As A Powerful Antidepressant. Being Happy Is Really The Definition Of Success, Isn’t It?

There's Something About Being A Parent That Has, I Think, Made Me A Better Comedian.

I Think Growing Up In Indiana Prepares Anyone For A Life In Comedy. I Do Feel Like There Is A Certain Kind Of Self-effacing Cynicism Among All Hoosiers.

You Ever Find Yourself Being Lazy For No Reason At All? Like, You Pick Up Your Mail, You Go In Your House, You Realize You Have A Letter For A Neighbor. You Ever Just Look At The Letter And Go "hm. Looks Like They're Never Getting This. It'll Take Too Much Energy To Go Back Outside. I'm Gonna Get That To Them Later On. Right Now I Gotta Watch Some 'love Connection.' They Got Some New Host On There."

I Don't Know If I'm The Husky Guy, But I'm The Sexy Guy Who's A Good Kisser .

Stand-up Comedy In The End, Unlike The Rest Of The Entertainment Industry, Is A Meritocracy. There's A Certain Level Of Undeniability You Can Work Toward.

How Dumb Do I Think The Americans Are? I Bet You We Could Sell Those Idiots Water.

I Definitely Write About Things That Are Universal, That Everyone Can Identify With. You're Supposed To Write About Things You're Passionate About And I Guess I Am A Foodie. I Do Love Food And It's Kind Of Like I'm An Eccentric Observationalist Guy. To Make It Kind Of Universal, I Try A Lot Of Different Things. When I First Started Writing This, I Was Like, 'no Food.' Then, You Know, It Just Always Goes There.

I Always Had This Romantic Notion Of Living In New York. I Just Felt Like, Everyone Could Be Different And Weird And Whatever They Are In New York.

I Don't Want To Get Involved In The Culture War. Religion's Iffy.

For Me, Stand-up Comedy Is A Conversation Between Me And The Audience. I Have To Keep Them Listening. When I'm Making Jokes About Cake For Twenty Minutes, I Have To Make Sure My Audience Is Interested And Following Where I'm Going.

I Worked On Usa Today As A Topic For While. I Tried To Do Something On Hand Chairs, Chairs That Look Like Hands. I Really Tried. But Some Topics Are Not Truly Universal.

I Try To Only Eat Animals That Are Vegan. I'm Probably The Opposite Of A Vegan.

I Think The Worst Professional Advice I Received Was This Kind Of Unspoken Message Of "sit Back And Wait Your Turn," Or "sit Back And Wait And Let Other People Do Things."

I'm The Youngest, Too. When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, People Are Like, "you're The Baby, You're Spoiled!" The Fact Of The Matter Is, When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, By The Time You're A Teenager, Your Parents Are Insane. You're Like, "hey, I'm Going Roller-skating-" "you're Not Going Roller-skating Or You'll End Up Pregnant Like Your Sister. Why Don't You Smoke Pot And Become A Lawyer?"

I Think Comedians Get Too Much Credit Or Too Much Criticism For The Style Of Comedy They Do, And They Generally Do The Style Of Comedy That Works For Them. [...] There's No Kind Of Shrewd Calculation Going Into The Type Of Standup We All Do. It's Like David Cross Is Supposed To Be Doing The David Cross' Type Of Standup.

I Do Want Everyone To Feel Comfortable. That's Why I'd Like To Talk To You About Jesus.

I Believe That Comedians Do What They Do, And Then They Get Credit Or Criticism For Doing It. There's Nothing Planned About This.

Comedians Kind Of Write What Comes To Them. You Can Give Yourself Little Assignments, But It's What Inspires You.

Failing And Laughing At Your Own Shortcomings Are The Hallmarks Of A Sane Parent.

There's A Certain Balance Between Finding An Opportunity To Do What You Really Enjoy And Getting Caught Up In The Flattery Of People Wanting You To Do Things.

I Like Bowling. It's Just One Of Those Things Where I Can Do So Many Jokes About It Because I Do Know Bowling. Somebody Once Said, "the Whitest Things In The World Are Jim Gaffigan And Bowling."

I'm Not A Foodie; I'm An Eatie. I Don't Have Anything Against Foodies. I Just Don't Have The Time Or The Interest To Do That Much Research.

I Used To Have To Do Readings In Church, And It Was Terrifying. I Would Never Have My Glasses. The Words Are Printed So Small Even Superman Would Be Nervous. And You’re Reading From The Bible. It’s Not Like You Can Just Make Something Up And Improvise. “a Reading From The Letter Of Saint Paul To The Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How Was Your Weekend? Sure Is Hot Here. Uh, Tell Jesus ‘hey.’ This Is The Word Of The Lord.

The Whole Idea Of Celebrity Is Flattering - It Helps You Get Into Restaurants And Stuff - But Once You Obtain Some Creative Fulfillment, Which You Do On A Nightly Basis As A Comedian, It's Hard To Give That Up Just To Be The Wacky Neighbor On A Show.

You Ever Read A Book That Changed Your Life? Me Neither.

I Usually Don't Have A Burger, A Brat, And A Steak But It Is 4th Of July. And I Need The Energy If I'm Gonna Start Blowin Crap Up. It's What The Founding Fathers Would Want.

Hey, People Who Travel With Their Bed Pillow. You Look Insane.

If I Was On An Airplane, The People In Coach Would Know Who I Am. But No One In First Class Would Know.

Some People That Work For Hot Pockets Came To My Denver Paramount Theater Show. They Brought These Hot Pocket Boxes The Size Of Suit Cases For Me To Sign. I Wrote "these Are Wmd's" On The Boxes. The Hp People Seem To Have A Good Sense Of Humor About All Of It.

Have You Seen The Bologna That Has The Olives In It? Who's That For? 'i Like My Bologna Like A Martini. With An Olive.' 'i'll Have The Bologna Sandwich - Dirty.'

But Truly, Women Are Amazing. Think About It This Way: A Woman Can Grow A Baby Inside Her Body. Then A Woman Can Deliver The Baby Through Her Body. Then, By Some Miracle, A Woman Can Feed A Baby With Her Body. When You Compare That To The Male’s Contribution To Life, It’s Kind Of Embarrassing, Really.

After You Eat A Hot Pocket, Everything Will Taste Like Rubber For A Month!

I Would Say I'm - In The Show, I'm A Cultural Catholic, Which Is What I Was.

My Kids Are Always Awake. It's They're Taking Shifts. 'alright, I'll Annoy 'em From Midnight To . Who Wants To ?'

It Is Amazing How Much More Amazing Sleep Is In The Morning. You Wake Up And You're Like, "i Stayed Up To Do What?! Watch Growing Pains? What Was I Thinking!?" But At Night You're Like, "la La La La La, Hey! Growing Pains, Awesome! And I've Seen This Episode. That Kirk Cameron's Always In Trouble."

The Only Advantage To Wearing Glasses Is That You Can Do That Dramatic Removal.

But In Indiana It's Not Like New York Where Everyone's Like, 'we're From New York And We're The Best' Or 'we're From Texas And We Like Things Big' It's More Like 'we're From Indiana And We're Gonna Move.

You Can't Tell Me The Success Of Kevin Bacon Isn't Somehow Tied To His Name. You're Not Going Out To See A Kevin Hot-dog Movie.

Twitter Allowed Me To Talk About Parenting In Short Snippets And Find Out What I Really Wanted To Say About It, Which Is That I'm A Dad Who Had No Idea What He's Doing.

Other People's Children's Birthday Parties Are The Most Joyful Events You Will Ever Resent Having To Attend.

Boutique Hotels Are Great, But They Get Too Cute. Some Hotels Have Shoe Polish. It's Like, Come On, This Isn't 1960. No One's Polishing Their Shoes.

I Grew Up In Sheepshead Bay.

I've Never Eaten A Hot Pocket And Then Afterwards Been, I'm Glad I Ate That. I'm Always Like, I'm Gonna Die.

The Pearly Gates. Am I The Only One Who Finds It Odd That Heaven Has Gates? What Kind Of Neighborhood Is Heaven In?

Holidays Are Also An Opportunity For Kids To Unlearn Every Good Habit They've Learned During The Rest Of The Year. They Don't Go To School. They Get To Stay Up Past Their Bedtime. They Get Candy And Presents For Doing Nothing. Childhood Utopia.

Thanksgiving, You Know - Thanksgiving - It's Like We Didn't Even Try To Come Up With A Tradition. The Tradition Is We Overeat.

It's So Obvious The Weather Channel Is Pro Hurricane. Fair And Balanced My Ass.

I Love How New York Is So Multicultural. I Wish I Was Ethnic, I'm Nothing. Because If You're Hispanic And You Get Angry, People Are Like, 'he's Got A Latin Temper!' If You're A White Guy And You Get Angry, People Are Like, 'that Guy's A Jerk.'

My Goal In Life Is To Be As Happy As A Studio Audience.

I Was The Youngest Of The Six Kids, And To Make My Older Siblings Laugh, That Was Very Important. I Did A Great Impression Of Our Dad That Made Them All Laugh, So That Gave Me A Lot Of Power Within The Family.

I Am Originally From Indiana. I Know What Most Of You Are Thinking: Indiana - Mafia.

I Really Don't Care About Birthdays. It's Something Where Even As A Kid, I Never Really Felt Comfortable When Someone Would Sing To Me.

You Ever Buy A Book And Not Read It? You Feel Almost Guilty Having It Up On A Bookshelf. People Are Like, "hey, How's That Book?" "i Haven't Read It." "oh, Did You Just Buy It?" "i've Had It Since High School." "well, Can I Borrow It?" "no."

Who Was The First Person To Walk Into A Harbor And Say, "whatever That Horrible Smell Is I Want To Eat It"

I Think What Pope Francis Is Saying Is That Nobody's Perfect, You Know? And So Someone Like Joe Biden, You Know, Where - You Know, When He Was Running For President, People Were - There Were Some Bishops That Were Like Don't Let Him Have The Eucharist. And Pope Francis Is Saying That's Not The Point Of This.

My Comedy Is Romanticized Laziness.

It Really Never Came Up, But I Think That In Present-day America, They're - You Know, And I Touched On It In The Initial Clip - Is That We Are In The Middle Of This Culture War.

I'm A Big Eater. I Mean, A Lot Of My Stand-up Is About Food, And You Write About What You Know, And That's The Only Thing I Know. I Don't Know Anything Else.

I Am Somebody Who - My Path To My Faith Is Very Kind Of Individual, And I Don't Want To Be Lumped Into The Category Of Those Westboro Baptists.

I Love Sleep. I Need Sleep. We All Do, Of Course. There Are Those People That Don't Need Sleep. I Think They're Called 'successful.

Award Shows Are Really Silly. I'm Very Happy For The People That Win The Awards, And I Can Say They're Really Silly, But I Would Love To Get One. So I Also Know Wasting Time On That Is Pointless.

I Love Writing Stand-up So Much And Tinkering And Looking For Ideas.

There Should Be A Children's Song: 'if You're Happy And You Know It, Keep It To Yourself And Let Your Dad Sleep'.

The Idea Of Having A Large Family, I Definitely Had A Romantic Notion Of It.

Besides Hot Pockets Keeps Introducing New Products Every 10 Minutes So I Always Have New Stuff On The Topic.

Introducing New

I Went To A Catholic University And There's Something About Being A Catholic-american. You Know, St. Patrick's Day Is, I'm Irish-catholic. There's Alcoholism In My Family. It's Like I've Got To Be Catholic, Right?

I Was Looking At A Bottle Of Water; They Have Nutritional Facts Printed On The Side. You Know, I'm No Chemist, But I Have A Rough Idea What's In Water.

Most Single Guys I Know Think Fatherhood Is Terrifying.

I'm A Weirdo That Goes On Stage To Make Strangers Laugh, But If I Wasn't Working, I Would Just Want To Be With My Wife And Kids. I Don't Even Think I'd Want To Go Out To Dinner.

Babies Should Be Classified As An Antidepressant. It's Pretty Hard To Be In A Bad Mood Around A 5-month-old Baby.

Thanksgiving Is The Most Complicated Meal You Can Think Of. Every Night, Dinner Is Just Pasta. It's Just Different Shapes Of Pasta.

I'm Bald, Blind And Pale. I'm Like A Gigantic Recessive Gene.

There Is The Vegetarian Hot Pocket For Those Of Us Who Don't Want To Eat Meat, But Would Still Like Diarrhea.

I'm A Guy Who Comes From A Small Town In The Midwest. It's Not In My Nature To Say The Most Explicit Things In Public.

Comedians Kind Of Write What Comes To Them. You Can Give Yourself Little Assignments, But It's What Inspires You. So I Feel Like With Food, It Is A Passion Of Mine. It's Where My Sensibility Rests. I Love Topics That Are Universal, And I Love Stuff That Doesn't Alienate People.

Weight Watchers Says Nothing Tastes Better Than Thin Feels. I Can Think Of A Thousand Things That Taste Better Than Thin Feels.

Weight Watchers

You Ever Talk About A Movie With Someone That Read The Book? They're Always So Condescending. 'ah, The Book Was Much Better Than The Movie.' Oh Really? What I Enjoyed About The Movie: No Reading.

I Talk Kinda Slow, Especially For The Northeast, So It Was A Way To Beat [would-be Hecklers] To The Punch.

I'm Getting Fat ... As I Planned. Luckily, My Gut Is Intentional. I'm Actually Preparing For A Big Role. Sure, It's A Cinnamon Roll.

I Think It's Important To Control Your Opportunities, Because In The Entertainment World, It's Not Up To You. I'm Not Sitting Here Under This Naïve Belief That Someone In Hollywood Is Going, "gaffigan! What Kind Of A Show Can I Build Around Him?" So You Have To Find Things That Can Showcase Your Point Of View.

It's Not As If Ten Years Ago, We Were Like, 'i Wish I Could Take Low Quality Photos Of My Dessert.'

We’re Never Satisfied When It Comes To Food. ‘you Know What’d Be Good On This Burger? A Ham Sandwich. Instead Of A Bun, Let’s Use Two Donuts. That Way We Can Have It For Breakfast. Look Out Mcgriddle. Here Comes The Donut-ham-hamburger!’

Babies And Toddlers Are Mostly What I've Been Exposed To At This Point. I'm Hoping Parenting Just Gets Much Easier After This. It Does, Right?

I Didn't Realize How Much Of A Hoosier Or A Midwesterner I Was Until I Moved To New York. It's Weird - Growing Up In Indiana, I Wanted To Get Out, And Now I Completely Romanticize Indiana. It Just Seems Like There's A Greater Focus On Family Back There, Which I Suppose Is Something That Kind Of Stayed With Me.

As I Go On In Standup, I Keep Being Described As Cleaner And Cleaner As I Do Each Hour, They're Like, 'it's Unbelievable How Clean,' 'he's The Cleanest Person In The World.' And Then I'll Do Shows And People Will Be Like, 'you're Supposed To Be So Clean, But You're Talking About Cancer.'

I Think When My Mother Died, It Was Such A - You Know, A Shock To The Logic That I Had Been Raised With.

I Lived Across From A Catholic Church For 15 Years That I Never Went Into. And Then I Got Married To My Wife And - You Know, And Now We're Going In There Every Other Day Baptizing A Kid.

I Do Just Want To Do Jokes. I Don't Want To Be A Divisive Figure.

I Saw This College Team Bowling Championship. Each Team Had Their Own Coach. What Kind Of Strategy Advice Is A Bowling Coach Giving? "you Know What? This Time Timmy, I Want You To Knock Down All The Pins." "you Sure?" "trust Me. Just Do It Son!"

The Appetizer Is Just An Excuse For An Extra Meal. Let's See, I Will Start With The Eighty Buffalo Wings.

I Don't Understand The Fashion Industry And The Appeal Of It. I Understand That There Are Some People Who Think It's Important To Them, And They're Designers, They're Artists, But There Seems To Be A Disproportionate Amount Of Our Culture That's Caught Up In That And The Red Carpet Stuff. It Seems Like There's A Disproportionate Amount Of Attention Placed On That.

I Would Say Some Of The Food I Talk About That I Really Enjoy, Like Cake And Bacon, I Eat A Lot Less Than I Portray In My Act. But That Stuff That I Dislike, It's Pretty Sincere.

People Need To Write Articles And They Need To Have Angles In Them And I'm Grateful When People Are Doing Articles, But I Always Say There's Not A Great Mystery To Stand-up Comedy.

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