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What Hamlet Suffers From Is A Lack Of Zombies. Let Us Say Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Show Up—ho-ho! Now You’ve Got Something That Stirs The, Um, Something That Stirs Things That Are Stirrable. Boom! A Pack Of Ravenous Flesh-eaters Breaks Open Their Heads And Sucks Out Their Eyeballs. No Need For Iambic Pentameter Because They Are Grunting, Groaning Annihilators Of Humanity With No Time For Meter. You’re Not Asleep In The Back Of English Class Anymore, Are You? This Is What I’m Talking About. Zombies. Learn It, Live It, Love It.

-Libba Bray

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What Hamlet Suffers From

Libba Bray

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What Hamlet Suffers From Is A Lack Of Zombies. Let Us Say Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Show Up—ho-ho! Now You’ve Got Something That Stirs The, Um, Something That Stirs Things That Are Stirrable. Boom! A Pack Of Ravenous Flesh-eaters Breaks Open Their Heads And Sucks Out Their Eyeballs. No Need For Iambic Pentameter Because They Are Grunting, Groaning Annihilators Of Humanity With No Time For Meter. You’re Not Asleep In The Back Of English Class Anymore, Are You? This Is What I’m Talking About. Zombies. Learn It, Live It, Love It.

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We're All Strangers Connected By What We Reveal, What We Share, What We Take Away--our Stories. I Guess That's What I Love About Books--they Are Thin Strands Of Humanity That Tether Us To One Another For A Small Bit Of Time, That Make Us Feel Less Alone Or Even More Comfortable With Our Aloneness, If Need Be.

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We're In English Class, Which For Most Of Us Is An Excruciating Exercise In Staying Awake Through The Great Classics Of Literature. These Works - Groundbreaking, Incendiary, Timeless - Have Been Pureed By The Curriculum Monsters Into A Digestible Pabulum Of Themes And Factoids We Can Spew Back On A Test. Scoring Well On Tests Is The Sort Of Happy Thing That Gets The School District The Greenbacks They Crave. Understanding And Appreciating The Material Are Secondary.

What Do You Feel? I’ve Never Been Asked This Question Once. None Of Us Has. We Aren’t Supposed To Feel. We’re British.

Do You Think They Missed Him Terribly When He Fell? Did God Cry Over His Lost Angel, I Wonder?

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It Was A Kiss Small In Its Ministrations But Epic In Its Feeling.

You Are Truly Satan's Sequined Spawn.

With Each Shimmy, The Bugle Beads On Their Scandalously Revealing Costumes Swung And Shook. It Was The Sort Of Display Evie Knew Her Mother Would Have Found Appalling—an Example Of The Moral Decay Of The Young Generation. It Was Sexual And Dangerous And Thrilling, And Evie Wanted More Of It.

Young Generation

Wanna Rock You, Girl, With A Butterfly Tunic. / No, I'm Not Gay, I'm Just Your Emo Enuch. / Gonna Smile Real Shy, Won't Cop A Feel, / 'cause I'm Your Virgin Crush, Your Supersafe Deal. / Let Those Other Guys Keep Sexing. / You And Me, We Be Texting / 'bout Unicorns And Rainbows And Our Perfect Love. / Girl, We Fit Together Like A Hand In A Glove. / Now I Don't Mean That Nasty, Tell Your Mum Don't Get Mad. / I Even Wrote 'you're Awesome' On Your Maxi Pads.

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All The Small, Simple, Conscious Acts Of Living A Sudden Defense Against The Dying We Do Every Day.

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I Am For Hockey. I Find I Should Like To Hit Something With A Stick. -gemma Doyle Trilogy

Goodbye," I Whisper At Last, When It No Longer Matters And There Is No One To Hear It But The Window.

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What Hamlet Suffers From Is A Lack Of Zombies. Let Us Say Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Show Up—ho-ho! Now You’ve Got Something That Stirs The, Um, Something That Stirs Things That Are Stirrable. Boom! A Pack Of Ravenous Flesh-eaters Breaks Open Their Heads And Sucks Out Their Eyeballs. No Need For Iambic Pentameter Because They Are Grunting, Groaning Annihilators Of Humanity With No Time For Meter. You’re Not Asleep In The Back Of English Class Anymore, Are You? This Is What I’m Talking About. Zombies. Learn It, Live It, Love It.

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All Things Are Possible.

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Prepared To Fly, Even If She Has To Loose Her Legs To Do It

I Love You For Who You Are, Not Who The World Thinks You Should Be.

I Am Creating An Atmosphere! Oh, Unc, We’ve Finally Got Bodies In This Joint! Paying Bodies. We Could Have A Good Racket Going Here.” “i’m Not Interested In A ‘racket.’ I’m An Academic.” “that’s Okay, Unc. I Won’t Hold It Against You.

True Affection And Love Have A Purity Which Shall Always Prevail Over Bigotry.

I Refuse To Let The Past Find Me Here.

The Glow Dies Down, And She's Standing At The End Of My Bed--the One Who's Been Following Me Around Leaving Feather Messages. I Take In The Torn Fishnets, Plaid Mini-kilt, Shiny, Riveted Breastplate With Leather Straps At The Sides And A Worn Great Temolo Decal Near The Left Shoulder. Her Wings Are A Crazy Black-and-white-checkered Pattern, Like They've Been Spray-painted At A Body Shop To Look Like Hipster Sneakers.

Black And White

I’m From The Health Department. You’ve Heard Of Typhoid Mary? This Fella’s Got Enough Typhoid To Start His Own Colony.

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Do Not Be Tempted By English Roses. Their Beauty Fades, But Their Thorns Are Forever.

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I Want To Ask Him If It’s Possible That A Girl Can Be Born Unlovable, Or Does She Just Become That Way?

Write Like It Matters, And It Will.

...because Really, Sometimes The Irony Gods Just Get Drunk.

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What Happened To The Winner" Adina Asked. "she Tripped." "and The First Runner-up?" Miss Michigan Cracked Her Knuckles. "she Tripped, Too.

Evie Didn’t Mind Yelling, But She Hated Feeling Judged. It Got Under Her Skin And Made Her Feel Small And Ugly And Unfixable.

Why Do Girls Always Feel Like They Have To Apologize For Giving An Opinion Or Taking Up Space In The World? Have You Ever Noticed That?" Nicole Asked. "you Go On Websites And Some Girl Leaves A Post And If It's Longer Than Three Sentences Or She's Expressing Her Thoughts About Some Topic, She Usually Ends With, 'sorry For The Rant' Or 'that May Be Dumb, But That's What I Think.

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You're Quite Tall.' Just What A Girl Wants To Be Reminded Of.

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There Are No Safe Choices. Only Other Choices.

Her Eyes Take On That Suspicious, Wounded Look Girls Get When They Know They've Fallen Off The Top Rung Of Friendship And Someone Else Has Passed Them, But They Don't Know When Or How The Change Took Place.

There Are No Wrong Decisions ― Only Different Ones.

He Wanted To Hit Something Or Someone. He Wanted To Burn Up The Whole World, Heal It, And Burn It Down Again.

Kartik Places A Sovereign In The Lady's Cup, And I Know That It's Likely All He Has. "why Did You Do That?" I Ask. He Kicks A Rock On The Ground, Balancing It Nimbly Between His Feet Like A Ball. "she Needed It." Father Says It Isn't Good To Give Money To Beggers. They'll Only Spend It Unwisely On Drink Or Other Pleasures. "she Might Buy Ale With It." He Shrugs. "then She'll Have Ale. It Isn't The Pound That Matters; It's The Hope...i Know What It's Like To Fight For Things That Others Take For Granted.

Taylor Clapped For Attention. “miss New Mexico, Let’s Not Get All Down In The Bummer Basement Where The Creepy Things Live. There Are People In Heathen China Who Don’t Even Have Airline Trays. We Have A Lot To Be Grateful For.

I Changed My Mind. I Don’t Want To Be An Inveshtigative Journalist Anymore. I Want To Be A Professional Rum Drinker.” “there Are People Who Do That,” Duff Said. He’d Barely Sipped His Rum. “really? What Do You Call Them?” “alcoholics.

I've Been Poked And Prodded In Places I'd Always Prided Myself On Keeping Untouched For That One Special Doctor Who Gives Me A Ring And A Promise Someday.

Chin Held High, Miss Ohio Beamed At An Imagined Crowd. "i Want To Be A Motivational Speaker." "what Are You Going To Motivate People To Do?" Smile Still In Place, She Cut Her Eyes At Adina. "you Know. Motivational ... Stuff.

Jeez, Someone Needs To Push The Reset Button On This Planet.

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Thou Shalt Not Steal. I Seem To Recall That Being One Of God’s I’d Rather You Didn’t Lest I Have To Smite You Into Ash Commandments.

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If This Were A Movie, I Would Bust A Secret Move So Fierce The Entire Place Would Be Razed To The Ground. I'd Finish With Something Snappy Like "and Don't Forget My Soda, Punk" While I Strolled Off Into The Night.

No One Had Ever Said Anything Like That To Evie. Her Parents Always Wanted To Advise Or Instruct Or Command. They Were Good People, But They Needed The World To Bend To Them, To Fit Into Their Order Of Things. Evie Had Never Really Quite Fit, And When She Tried, She’d Just Pop Back Out, Like A Doll Squeezed Into A Too-small Box.

The Night's Chilly Breath Tickles Up My Neck And Finds My Ear, Whispering Secrets Only The Wind Knows.

I Can Be Whatever. You Can Be Whatever. We Can Be Whatever. Whatever, Together.

Petra Turned To Her. "everybody Lies About Who They Are. Name One Person Here Who Isn't Doing That And I Will Drop Out Right Now!" Shanti Felt That Snake Of Truth Coil Around Her Legs, Threatening To Squeeze. "i Didn't Mean..." "no One Ever Does." Petra Said, Shoving The Baton Back At Shanti.

Truth Casts A Spell Of Its Own.

People Aren't Always What You Want Them To Be

God Doesn't Like Lesbians," Grandma Huberman Hised, Throwing The Magazine In The Trash. Jennifer Knew What Lesbian Meant, And She Knew She Probably Was One. But She Couldn't Understand Why God Would Hold That Against Her Or Against Monica Mathers, Who'd Never Started A War Or Killed Anybody, And Whose Deadeye Three-pointers Were Straight-up Amazing. After All, Hadn't God Made Both Of Them? But People Were Like That, She'd Noticed. They'd Invoke Godly Privilege At The Weirdest Of Times And For The Most Stupid Reasons.

But Aren't Many Gardens Beautiful Because They Are Imperfect?...aren't The Strange, New Flowers That Arise By Mistake Or Misadventure As Pleasing As The Well-tended And Planned?

That's What Living In Their World Is-a Big Lie. An Illusion Where Everyone Looks The Other Way And Pretends That Nothing Unpleasant Exists At All, No Goblins Of The Dark, No Ghosts Of The Soul.

We Have Work To Do If You Are Not To Be A Total Failure Like High-waisted, Acid-wash Jeans.

Did You Hear? You Are Free." Yessss. Choice. It Is A Fine Thing. And I Choose To Take You Back, Most High.

I've Never Been In Love. I Will Die Without Knowing What It Feels Like To Need To See One Person's Face When You Go To Sleep At Night, To Crave Seeing It When You Wake Up. I Wish I Knew.

We Don't Look At Each Other Anymore. Not Really. Not Since I Pulled Him From That Opium Den. Now When I Look At Him, I See The Addict. And When He Looks At Me, He Sees What He Would Rather Not Remember. I Wish I Could Be His Adored Little Girl Again, Sitting At His Side.

These Are Hard Times. The World Hurts. We Live In Fear And Forget To Walk With Hope. But Hope Has Not Forgotten You. So Ask It To Dinner. It's Probably Hungry And Would Appreciate The Invitation.

They See Her Differently Now, As Somebody. And Isn't That What Everyone Wants? To Be Seen?

He Took Comfort In The Neon Signs, The Wild Strands Of Jazz Creeping Out Of Clubs Whenever Happy Swells Of People Pushed Through The Doors In Their Finery.

We Create The Illusions We Need To Go On.

This Is Going To Make Such A Great Story: How I Nursed A Pirate Back To Health And My Love Saved Him," Miss Ohio Said With A Contented Sigh. "and Then We Can Have Our Own Reality Show About Our Relationship." - "beauty Queens

- So My Own Sister Will Not Promote Me? Speaking Of Which, Weren't You Supposed To Find Me A Beautiful Future Wife With A Small Fortune? Have You Had Any Success On That Front? - Yes - I Have Warned Them All.

In This Man’s Smile Was All The Unfairness Of The World In Its Thuggish Seduction. “just Come With Me. We’ll Take Care Of You.” “no, You Won’t.” Taylor Stroked The Man’s Cheek. She Reached Her Arms Up To Cradle The Back Of His Head And, With The Skill Of A Champion, She Broke His Neck. Then She Dragged Him Into The Bushes, Took His Gun And Walkie-talkie, And Kept Moving.

Travel Opens Your Mind As Few Other Things Do.

A Guy's Gotta Live, You Know, Gotta Make His Way And Find His Meaning In Life And Love, And To Do That He Needs Coffee, He Needs Coffee And Coffee And Coffee.

Beneath The Skin, There Is Fear. Pain. Remorse. Yearning. Desire. A Fierce Longing For Power. All Of This. We Are Joined. It Is As If We Live In The Center Of A Great Storm. Around Us The World Of The Realms Revolves Like A Giant Kaleidoscope, Images Refracted Again And Again. So Many Worlds! So Much To Know.

I Think About Dying Every Day, Because I Can't Stop Thinking About Living.

Brought To You By The Corporation: In Your Homes And In Your Pants.

She Wished She Were As Inconsequential As The Ghosts In Her Dreams.

Inconsequential

I Hear They Feed You In Sing Sing,” Evie Muttered. “three Squares A Day.” “evangeline,” Will Said With A Sigh. “charity Begins At Home.” “so Does Mental Illness.

She Hadn’t Meant To Get Trapped In A Conversation. That Was The Trouble With Offering Help To Old People.

What You Want Can Be Yours. But You Must First Know What It Is You Want.

So Much Of The Literature We Had To Read For High School English Class Was Filled With Victimized, Tragic, Symbolic Women Who Spurred The Plot Forward With Their Inevitable Shunning/death/shunning-followed-by-pregnancy-followed-by-death Timelines.

Oh, Sure. Of Course, They Say Now That We’ve Got Freud And The Motorcar, God Is Dead.” “he’s Not Dead; Just Very Tired.

Memphis—it’s Just A Bird. Birds Fly Around, Brother. It’s What They Do. It’s Not Following You, And It’s Not A Sign. Unless You Really Did Give It Candy And Flowers, In Which Case You Are One Strange Brother.

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Gemma~was He Really Looking At Me That Way? Kartik~what Way? Gemma~like A Piece Of Ripe Fruit? Katrik~you'd Best Be On Your Guard With Him.

Because You Don't Notice The Light Without A Bit Of Shadow. Everything Has Both Dark And Light. You Have To Play With It Till You Get It Exactly Right.

Memphis Found His Smile. 'you Know Me, Sir. I Don't Wear Worry.

In A World Beyond This One, That River Goes On Singing Sweetly, Enchanting Us With What We Want To Hear, Shaping What We Need To See In Order To Keep Going. In Those Waters, All Disappointments Are Forgotten, Our Mistakes Forgiven. Gazing Into Them, We See A Strong Father. A Loving Mother. Warm Rooms Where We Are Sheltered, Adored, Wanted. And The Uncertainty Of Our Futures Is Nothing More Than The Fog Of Breath On A Windowpane.

In School, They Would Tell You That Life Wouldn’t Come To You; You Had To Go Out And Make It Your Own. But When It Came To Love, The Message For Girls Seemed To Be This: Don’t. Don’t Go After What You Want. Wait. Wait To Be Chosen, As If Only In The Eye Of Another Could One Truly Find Value. The Message Was Confusing And Infuriating. It Was A Shell Game With No Actual Pea Under The Rapidly Moving Cups.

I Thought Research Would Be More Glamorous, Somehow. I'd Give The Librarian A Secret Code Word And He'd Give Me The One Book I Needed And Whisper The Necessary Page Numbers. Like A Speakeasy. With Books.

But Sons Are A Different Matter To A Man. More A Duty Than An Indulgence.

Wow, You're Awesome And The Universe Loves A Winner, So The Universe Must Really Love You!

It's Only His Thumb Brushing Slowly Across The Lower Edge Of My Lip, But It's As If Time Slows And The Sweep Of That Thumb Below My Mouth Takes Forever. It Is No Spell That I Know Of, But It Holds Such Magic, I Can Scarcely Breath. He Pulls His Hand Away Fast, Aware Of What He's Done. But His Touch Lingers.

There Are Times When I Wish I Could Go Back And Change The Course Of My Life. Make Different Choices...but The Past Cannot Be Changed, And We Carry Our Choices With Us, Forward, Into The Unknown. We Can Only Move On. Do You Remember That I Told You That At Spence?

We're Like Pretty Horses, And Just As On Horses, They Mean To Put Blinders On Us So We Can't Look Left Or Right But Only Straight Ahead Where They Would Lead.

You Are Absolute Angels Of The First Order. If I Were Pope, I’d Canonize You.” “the Pope Would Probably Love To Turn A Cannon On You!

Pastoralia By George Saunders. Possibly My Favorite Book. Its One Of The Weirdest Books Ive Ever Read. If Monty Python And Thomas Pynchon Had A Love Child, And It Was Raised By Frank Zappa On A Weird Commune, That Would Be This Book.

You Want To Know What Pain Is? Try Running Out Of Advil When You've Got A Category Five Period. I've Had Cramps That Would Make Grown Men Beg For A Bullet Between The Eyes." - Jennifer, "beauty Queens

My Dad Was A Presbyterian Minister. Yes, I Am One Of Those Dreaded P.k.s - Preachers Kids. Be Afraid.

I Know Because I Read. Might I Suggest You Try It?

Look, I Know This Seems A Little Half-assed...' 'no, Dude. I'd Be Thrilled If This Plan Were Half-assed. This Is, Like, No-assed.' 'you're Right. It's The Most No-assed Thing I've Ever Done In My Life.

It Is A Giggle Full Of High Spirits And Merry Mischief, Proof That We Never Lose Our Girlish Selves, No Matter What Sort Of Women We Become.

Really? And What Curse Befalls The Adams Of The World?" Ann Opens Her Mouth And, Presumably Thinking Of Nothing To Say, Closes It Again. It Is Felicity Who Answers, Eyes Steely. "they Are Weak To Temptation. And We Are Their Temptresses.

I've Heard It Said That God Is In The Details. It's The Same With The Truth. Leave Out The Details, The Crucial Heart, And You Can Damn Someone With The Bare Bones Of It.

One Can Never Go Back. One Always Has To Move Forward.

A Man Bumps Me On His Busy Way Without So Much As An Apology. But That Is All Right. I Forgive You, Busy Man About Town With The Sharp Elbows. Hail And Farewell To You! For I, Gemma Doyle, Am To Have A Splendid Christmas In London Town. All Shall Be Well. God Rest Us Merry Gentlemen. And Gentlewomen.

And Just As I Begin To Believe That All Is Well, There Is Some Subtle Change In The Light. The Room Takes Its True Shape. I Fight To Go Back To That Blissful Ignorance, But It Is Too Late. The Dull Pain Of Truth Weights My Soul, Pulling It Under. I Am Left Hopelessly Awake.

In Every End, There Is Also A Beginning.

The Corporation Would Like To Apologize For The Preceding Pages. Of Course, It's Not All Right For Girls To Behave This Way. Sexuality Is Not Meant To Be This Way - An Honest, Consensual Expression In Which A Girl Might Take An Active Role When She Feels Good And Ready And Not One Minute Before. No. Sexual Desire Is Meant To Sell Soap. And Cars. And Beer. And Religion.

Because It Is Morning, It Is Morning, And There Is So Much To See.

Gonzo Narrows His Eyes. 'how Often Do You Clean That Thing?' 'every Night,' The Waitress Answers. Her Smile Is Strained. 'that's It? Do You Know How Long It Takes For Listeria To Grow Under Those Hot Lamps, Even With Ice?' Here We Go. 'it Can Happen In Just Five Hours. Five Hours And You've Got The Salad Bar Of Death!' The Waitress Looks Confused. 'from Listerine?

I Feel Like I Swallowed A Magritte. Like On The Inside, I'm Made Of Clouds And Floating Eyes, Green Apples, And Slowly Rising Men In Bowler Hats.

There's No Such Thing As Nothing. In Every Nothing, There's A Something. In Fact, There Could Be Everything!

Amen, Sister, ... All Apologies To Tom Cruise.

Dammit!" "what?" Gonzo Sounds Panicked. "we're Out Of Gas." "you're Shithenging Me." "i Shithenge You Not.

Power Changes Everything Till It Is Difficult To Say Who Are The Heroes And Who The Villains.

Careful There, Poet. I Might Start To Believe You.

They Would Place Their Hands Together Inside The Circle So That They Could Walk In Each Other's Dreams. It Forged A Bond That Could Not Be Broken. The Circle Represents Love In Eternity. For There Is No Beginning And No End.

Evie Wanted To Cry. From Fear. From Exhaustion, Yes. But Mostly From The Cruel Uselessness, The Damned Stupid Arbitrariness Of It All.

Just Once, She'd Like To Be The Exciting One, The Girl Somebody Wanted.

The Trouble With Morning Is That It Comes Well Before Noon.

Nobody Wants To Be Themselves. That's Why There's Tv. -ephigenia.

Please, I'm A Transgender Former Boy-bander. You Think I Don't Know How To Defend Myself?

I Had Thought Felicity Dangerous A Moment Ago, When She Felt Powerful. I Was Wrong. Wounded And Powerless, She Is More Dangerous Than I Could Imagine.

Scoring Well On Tests Is The Sort Of Happy Thing That Gets The School District The Greenbacks They Crave. Understanding And Appreciating The Material Are Secondary.

That's What Living In Their World Is-a Big Lie. An Illusion Where Everyone Looks The Other Way And Pretends That Nothing Unpleasant Exists At All, No Goblins Of The Dark, No Ghosts Of The Soul.

Simon, Would You Still Care For Me If You Discovered I Was Not Who I Say I Am?" What Do You Mean?" I Mean Would You Still Care For Me, No Matter What You Came To Know?" What A Thing To Ponder. I Don't Know What To Say." The Answer Is No. He Does Not Need To Say It. With A Sigh, Simon Digs At The Fire With The Iron Poker. Bits Of The Charred Log Fall Away, Revealing The Angry Insides. They Flare Orange For A Moment, Then Quiet Down Again. After Three Tries, He Gives Up. I'm Afraid This Fire's Had It." I Can See A Few Embers Remaining. "no, I Think Not. If..." He Sighs, And It Says Everything.

Who But The Mad Would Choose To Keep On Living? In The End, Aren't We All Just A Little Crazy?

When I Dream, I Dream Of Him. For Several Nights Now He’s Come To Me, Waving From A Distant Shore As If He’s Been Waiting Patiently For Me To Arrive. He Doesn’t Utter A Word, But His Smile Says Everything: I’ve Missed You.

It Keeps Her Purity Vacum-sealed To Preserve Its Freshness For Her Future Husband.

...dreams Were Dreams And Reality Was Reality And She Felt People Were Better Off Understanding The Difference.

Did They Find Something Wanting In You, Gemma, At The Party? You Didn’t Speak Too Freely Or Behave…strangely?” I Grew Claws And Bayed At The Moon. I Confessed That I Eat The Hearts Of Small Children. I Told Them I Like The French.

There Were Few Things Worse Than Being Ordinary, In Evie’s Opinion. Ordinary Was For Suckers.

I Changed The World; The World Changed Me. Everything You Do Comes Back To You. When You Affect A Situation, You Are Also Affected.

The Rules Of Magic, My Dear, Are Best Not Discusses. For Once We Understand The Illusion, We No Longer Believe It.

What Took You So Long?” Will Asked When Evie Came Panting Into The Room. He And Jericho Had Assembled A Stack Of Books, Which They Were Tucking Into Will’s Attaché Case. “i Walked To Jerusalem For The Bible. I Knew You’d Want An Original,” Evie Snapped.

Prohibition? I Drink To Its Health Whenever I Can.

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