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Turn Off Your Computer And Go Out Of Doors. Dig A Large Enough Hole To Transplant A Mature Apple Tree. Nurture The Tree, Feed It, Coddle It So That Its Fruit Will Be Ample, Bright And Firm. Practice Open-hand Strikes Against The Rough Bark Of The Trunk Until It's Time To Harvest. Choose The Champion Of Your Apple Crop, Pluck It From The Tree, And Beat Yourself About The Face And Tits With It Until Your Mettle Will Suffice.

-Nick Offerman

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Turn Off Your Computer

Nick Offerman

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Turn Off Your Computer And Go Out Of Doors. Dig A Large Enough Hole To Transplant A Mature Apple Tree. Nurture The Tree, Feed It, Coddle It So That Its Fruit Will Be Ample, Bright And Firm. Practice Open-hand Strikes Against The Rough Bark Of The Trunk Until It's Time To Harvest. Choose The Champion Of Your Apple Crop, Pluck It From The Tree, And Beat Yourself About The Face And Tits With It Until Your Mettle Will Suffice.

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Turn Off Your Computer And Go Out Of Doors. Dig A Large Enough Hole To Transplant A Mature Apple Tree. Nurture The Tree, Feed It, Coddle It So That Its Fruit Will Be Ample, Bright And Firm. Practice Open-hand Strikes Against The Rough Bark Of The Trunk Until It's Time To Harvest. Choose The Champion Of Your Apple Crop, Pluck It From The Tree, And Beat Yourself About The Face And Tits With It Until Your Mettle Will Suffice.

It's Irrelevant To Me If Other People Know Who I Am. I'm Just, I'm Really Happy. It Calms Me Down, Too. If You're On Top Of An Oilrig, Fighting With Politicians, Or Whatever - You Need A Bit Of Wisdom To Realize That You're Not Always Right, Or That You're Not Always Being Reasonable, Or You're Not Always Listening.

The Fact That I Have A Job That People Even Watch Is An Incredible Gift.

"i Don't Ever Want To Try To Be A 'cute Guy.' I Want To Be Charles Laughton, Or Oliver Reed, Or Lon Cheney. That's Way More Fun For Me." And Once I Flipped That Switch, That's Another Thing I've Taken Off My Shoulders, Where I Never Have To Worry About, "do I Look Good?"

My Family Has Schoolteachers And Librarians, And I Think People Who Teach Are Probably Some Of Our Greatest American Heroes. Certainly, Underpaid And Unsung.

If You Always Have Something In Your Life That You're Trying To Improve Upon, Then Every Day You Have A Reason To Get Out Of Bed, And You Have A Reason To Achieve Something And Feel Good.

I Keep Having These Bros Come Up To Me And Say, "i Used To Watch You When I Was A Fetus," And I Just Want To Kill Them.

Being A Man Of The Theater And A Hedonist, I Find The Idea Of Building Coffins Very Romantic.

Don't Use Barbiturates Before Going On Stage. And Be Honest.

Men And Women Alike, If You Think That Altering The Tip Of Your Nose With Surgery Will Make You Happier, I Would Suggest You Alter Something Much More Malleable Than Your Flesh, Like Your Priorities, Or Your Friends.

With All Of The Visual Distraction Constantly Inundating Us In The Form Of Our Devices And Screens, I Really Derive A Great Deal Of Pleasure From Watching The Sun Rise And Set, Admiring Clouds As They Change Shape Across The Sky, Watching Tree Leaves And Blossoms Undulate In The Breeze....these Treats Foment An Ocular-cleansing Refreshment To My Way Of Thinking.

Branding Is Quite An Important Thing. As An Artist, You Want To Be Able To Explore Facets Of Yourself.

No One Will Ever Ask Me To Sing Because It's Beautiful. My Secret Is Hiding My Musicianship Behind Humor.

Shut Your Damn Mouth.

I Think That Purity Creates Not Only A Higher Level Of Artistic Vision But A Purer Work Ethic.

I Feel It's Important To Point Out That I've Earned My Humility By Being A Jackass - Like, I Trip And Fall On My Face And Say, "oh, Right. Don't Think You're A Big Shot, Because You've Got A Bloody Nose Now." So It's Hard To Say.

When I Hear Young People Today Complain About Being Bored - And The Things That Keep Them From Being Bored Are Generally Exclusively Videogames And/or Computer Pastimes - I Just Try To Encourage Them To Go Outside.

I Have A Ridiculously Beautiful Wife Who's Super Sexy, And As Long As She's Happy With Me, I Don't Need To Look In The Mirror And Think, "how Do I Stack Up Next To Bradley Cooper? Would Cooper Rock This Shirt?" Doesn't Matter. He Does Not Have Your Wife. You Do.

I Never Went Too Long Without A Job. The Problem Was A Lot Of The Early Jobs Are Almost More Demoralizing Than Unemployment.

I'm A Very Intermediate Sax Player, But Now That Rob Lowe Is On My Show, I Had To Cop To Him. Like, 'dude Your Ridiculous Fake Sax Playing [in St. Elmo's Fire] Inspired Me To Pick Up A Horn.'

If You Want To Be Happy In Life, Consider Yourself A Student. Every Day Of Your Life, Think: How Can I Improve?

The Key, I Would Say To Any Fledgling Humorist Starting Out, Is To Make Sure That Sloppiness Is Part Of Your Recipe. That Way They Come To Expect Fumbling And Clumsiness And They Say, "oh, It Must Be A Charming Part Of His Personality."

If You Don't Look At Yourself And Evaluate It, You Instead See How The World's Reacting To It.

It Was On A Van Ride Home From The Movie Set That Everything Came Together. I Realized I Had To Get Off Twitter. It Just Struck Me That I Couldn't Stop Everyone Else From Doing It, But I Could Certainly Stop Myself.

I Come From The Theater, Where I Got Into Acting Because I Love Transforming. I Love Nothing More Than To Be Unrecognizable.

My Career Is Inexplicable To Me. So Far I've Just Been Not Getting Fired Despite Being Myself.

People Are Afraid That They're Going To Upset Somebody On Top, And So There's A Real Sense Of, I've Got To Be Quiet, I Don't Want To Be Fired.

If You're An Original Thinker, You Are Going Get Told 'no' A Lot, And You Have To Be Able To Hear 'no' Many Times From The Bankers And Trust That At Some Point, Someone Is Going To Recognize That You Are An Artist And Not A Can Of Soda.

I Always Had A Lot Of Confidence In My Work And The Unique Flavor I Like To Bring To My Characters, But You Know I'm Not A Huge Dreamer.

I Grew Up Among Farmers In Illinois And So You Always Have To Have The Tools You Might Need In The Eventuality Of A Flat Tire Or A Broken Window.

I Grew Up In A Small Town In Illinois, And My Dad Was A Basketball Coach. Thanks To Him, I Have Excellent Fundamentals In Both Basketball And Baseball.

I Really Bridled When Parks And Rec Became Popular And Woodworking Publications Wanted Me To Do Stuff With Them.

I Think What Makes So Many Other Actors Miserable Is Focusing Completely On Making Other Plans. They're Obsessed With Their Haircut And Their Headshot And Their Agent, Their Imdb Profile Or Whatever.

I Really Thought That I'd Be Doing Shakespeare, Honest To God. I Did Not Foresee The Whole Action Television Thing. That Was God's Joke.

Technically, We're All Half Centaur.

When I Was In High School, I Would Perform Every Year In Those Plays And There Was Something I Really Loved About It. But I Was Completely Unaware That You Could Sort Of Get Into An Acting Career.

I Come From A Family Of Fishermen. Fishing Is Very Important To Us. We Don't Hunt. We're Not Gun Folk.

I Worked Mostly In Television Drama For My First Few Years. I Just Kept Guesting On Nypd Blues And Csi-like Stuff, So When I Started Getting Work In Comedy, A Lot Of People In The Business Would Say, 'oh - I Didn't Know You Did Comedy.'

I Have A Kenwood Charcoal Grill. In Our House, If Anybody Is Cooking, It's Me. I Love Making Burgers. I Love Making Pork Tenderloin. Lamb Chops I Do On The Grill A Lot. But You Just Can't Beat Brats.

You Know, It's Hard To Beat Bacon At Anytime Of Day. But I Also Am A Big Fan Of Corned Beef Hash.

My Wife, The Actress Megan Mullally, Was An English Major At Northwestern University And Loves Fiction. Like So Many Things In My Life, She Curates Things For Me. For Example, I Have The Daunting Prospect Of Donna Tartt's "the Goldfinch" Waiting For Me When I Get Through My Current Reading Pile.

My Education Began In Theater School, And It Continues To This Day. I Just Continued Learning To Be A Better Performer.

I Awaken. I Consume Oxygen, Then Bacon, Eggs And Black Coffee, Then My Wife, Then Bacon.

I Became Very Interested [in Philosophy] After Attending The U.n. Conference On Sustainable Development In Brazil.i'm Very Concerned About Climate Change And The World Reaching A Tipping Point. And, I See Other People Who Really Just Want To Survive To Make It To The Next Election, Rather Than Making Means Of Change.

Damn It All, You Have Been Given A Life On This Beautiful Planet! Get Off Your Ass And Do Something!

Follow Your Gut, Make A Choice, And Throw Yourself Into It. If You Make A Mistake, Then You Have Merely Afforded Yourself A Valuable Lesson.

Let's Just Say I Can Never Be Cast Again After Ron Swanson. Then I Have A Life Of Theater And Woodworking And My Wife To Look Forward To, And That Doesn't Make Me Anything But Very Happy.

I Learned In My Early Years In The Theater That I Would Never Become The Guy On Top. I'll Never Create A Show; I Don't Have A Brain Expansive Enough To See The Whole Picture, In A Way That Would Behoove Anyone.

My Uncles, Who Are Farmers In Minooka, Illinois - I Grew Up With Them And Their Pickup Trucks And Mustaches, And To Me That Was Masculinity: Big Hairy Sweaty Guys Who Could Pick Up A Bus.

When I First Met With Agents, They Said, "okay, You're Going To Play Plumbers And Mechanics And Bus Drivers And Farmers. Go."

I Worked A Lot In Chicago's Theater Scene As A Fight Choreographer. And So I Do Have A Lot Of Experience In Stage Combat And Also In Kabuki Dance And Kabuki Theater.

It's Hard To Swallow When People Say, "oh My God, You're A Master Of Something." I Say, "no, I'm Actually A Student Of That. I Could Turn You On To Websites For 25 Masters, And You'll Quickly See That I Am Their Disciple."

I Like To Play Women Who Are Not Strong At All, Because, There's Certainly Plenty Of Myself That Is No Kind Of A Warrior.

I Think It's Fascinating That I Receive Attention For What People Perceive To Be A Level Of Manliness Or Machismo, When Amongst My Family Of Farmers And Paramedics And Regular Americans, I'm Kind Of The Sissy In My Family.

Just Stand Up For Your Principals And Be Loyal To Your Friends And Family.

Family And Friends

I Am A Saxophone Player.

I Just Always Had A Penchant For Performing For People.i'm A Jackass Clown.

No Matter How You Decide To Spend A Little More Time On Your Gestures Of Giving, The Point Is Just Quite Simply That You Do.

Of Course Smartphones Are Brilliant Inventions, But The Nefarious Thing About Twitter And Other Social Media Is That It Starts To Fill All The Gaps In Your Day. I Quickly Become An Addict.

I Don't Get Nominated, And I Have To Say, I've Probably Gotten The Greatest Mass Of Press In My Life Through Not Getting Nominated. It's Definitely Been A Winning Situation As Far As I'm Concerned.

Your Dreams Are Always Going To Seem Much More Profound To You Then They Are To Your Friend.

I've Never Seen A Theater Community To Rival That Of Chicago. Neither New York Nor L.a. Has The Raw Talent Or Integrity That Chicago Theater Has, And I Think It's Because Chicago Doesn't Have Broadway Or The Film And Tv Business To Distract It.

We Have Such An Embarrassment Of Riches When It Comes To Choice. Do You Want To Hike In The Alps? There Are 300 Pairs Of Shoes You Can Order Within The Next 10 Minutes. You Have Your Choice Of Everything.

I Was Drinking A Lot Of Bourbon. I Was Miserable. I Was Starting To Get Work, But It Wasn't Remotely Satisfying. It Was Garbage Compared To The Theater I Was Doing.

I'm Quite Excited To Not Play A Xena Type Character - It's Probably Closer To Me Than Any Character I've Ever Played.

If Properly Dried And Trimmed, New York-style Pizza Could Be Used To Make A Box For Chicago-style Pizza.

How Lucky My Life Is That I Have Two Arms, And Two Legs, And Ten Fingers With Which To Make Things Out Of Wood.

Not Only Do I Recommend Wendell Berry To Anyone Who Will Talk To Me For More Than Seven Seconds, But I Buy His Books In Quantity And Send Them To People. I Bought A Few Dozen Of His Newest, "our Only World."

I Spent A Lot Of My Youth Working Outside In The Elements, And I Kind Of Revel In Defeating Tough Weather.

I Don't Know What It Is On An Elemental Level, But A Beard In General Evokes Hedonism. It's A More Lush Personal Grooming Style. It's More Comfortable And Cozy; It's Less Sharp And Angular And Businesslike. I Feel Like A Beard Is More Hobbit-like, Even Though Hobbits Themselves Are Clean-shaven.

Always Maintain The Attitude Of A Student. If You Think You've Done Learning, Bitterness Sets In, But If You Have More To Achieve Every Day, In Any Arena, That Makes Each Morning's Awakening Full Of Potential And Cheery Portent.

I Learned The Word Non-conformist In Fourth Grade And Immediately Announced That I Would Grow Up To Become One.

A Lot Of People Find Themselves In The Entertainment Business - Or Perhaps Society Steers Them Toward It - Because They're Beautiful.

When We Think Of An Actor, We Think Of A Tanned, Frosted-tipped, Model-looking Guy. We Don't Think Of A Plumber.

I'm Very Hairy, And Men In Film And Tv Are No Longer Allowed To Be Hairy.

When I [first] Went To University, I Was Doing Foreign Languages, Because I Had Done Them Since I Was 13 Years Old. I Had Done French And German. I Picked Up Italian, Just Sort Of Blasted Through The Exams, [and Then] Took Off Overseas, Because I Wanted To Be An Actor. I Thought, "i'm Just Not Academic." I'm Not Very Competitive, In Terms Of Acting. But Since Going Back To University, I've Realized, I Am Highly Competitive.

People Keep Referring To Me As A Standup, And That Just Doesn't Sit Well With Me Because A Lot Of My Friends Are Standups And They're Brilliant At Writing Jokes, And I'm Not.

I Have A Wonderfully Hedonistic Appetite, And If I Wasn't Really Strict With Myself, I'd Weigh 300 Pounds. I'm Not Good With Moderation.

Really, All Religious Teachings Can Be Boiled Down To: “just Be Cool. Don’t Be An Asshole.

I Think All These Great Comforts That Come From The Human Condition Of Trying To Make Things Easier On Ourselves Also Have These Pitfalls, Where Things Become So Easy That We Forget How Enjoyable Building A Fence Can Be.

It's Taken Me A Lot Of Years To Peel Away My Own Layers.

For Years I Drove A Big Ford F250 Pickup. That Was My Ride Because Two-thirds Of My Work Was Wood Work, And I'm Always Driving Up To Northern California, Where I Harvest Salvaged Trees.

Whenever I Have A Stubborn Position On Something, I Take A Deep Breath And Swallow Myself.

Take A Deep Breath

I Made An Executive Decision In College When I Learned How Behind I Was In The World Of Books, Films, And Music Because Of My Rural Upbringing. I Really Reduced The Amount Of Time That Sports Took Up In My Life.i Still Have Some Faulkner To Get Through.

There's A Lot Of Common Sense ... Which I Feel Like We Have Lost Touch With.

The Quest For The Next Key Art Awards Begins With Tomorrow's Hangover

Give A Man A Fish And You Feed Him For A Day. Don't Teach A Man To Fish And You Feed Yourself. He's A Grown Man, Fishing's Not That Hard.

I'm Opposed To A Lot Of The Time That We As A Civilization Have Come To Spend Looking At Screens. For My Money, Life Is Much Delicious Damn Near Everyplace But Inside That Screen.

Auditioning For Television Shows - To Find A Guy Who Has A Lot Of Experience As A Laborer Is A Bit Of An Anomaly. We Do Exist. I Know Several Other Actors Who Have Made Their Living, Instead Of A Waitress Job, Framing Houses Or Blacktopping Roads.

If I Put Down My Tweeter Machine For A Minute, I Actually Can Communicate With People. As An Aside, Astonishingly, I Just Started Doing Twitter.

When I Use Weed Creatively, I'm Much Better At Drawing Or Making Something Or Playing Music. But What I Do For A Living Is Mostly Performing As An Actor Or Writing, And For Those Things I Need To Have My Faculties Sharp.

Meat Is A Big Deal In My Life. I Do Love Breakfast Food, But I Don't Think That's Extraordinary. I'm A Normal American. We Love Eggs And Meat And Potatoes And Gravy.

And What We've Lost Sight Of Is That Performing Manual Labor With Your Hands Is One Of The Most Incredibly Satisfying And Positive Things You Can Do.

I Won't Read A New Graphic Comic Novel Until The Writer Has Completed The Entire Series. I Got Burned A Few Times When I Got Turned On To A Book, Plowed Through It Only To Find Out The Author Was In The Middle Of Writing The Next.

I Also Grew Up Building Theatrical Scenery. I Spent Many Years Building Scenery As A Large Part Of My Income And That Allowed Me To Really Develop My Shop Skills.

I Think The Whole Thing Is Kind Of Sad, Honestly, In The Same Way That Our Civilization - Particularly The Consumers Of Pop Culture - Has Grown So Used To An Emasculated, Bare-chested Leading Man That Something Like Simply Growing A Mustache Can Impress People.

Actually, I'm Not Super-kickass At A Lot Of Things.

Children Are So Egocentric - They Want To Watch Their Lives, And Not Yours.

If I Had To Pick One Form Of Acting, It Would Be Live Theater. That's Where I Started; That's Where I Became A Man, I Think I'm Still Finishing Up That Job.

We Realized That The World Of Popular Culture Had Been Creating The Perfect Candidate For Many Years: The Female Champion Of The Universe.

I Have A Very Healthy Growth Of Both Head And Facial Hair. People Always Want To Attribute Further Superhuman Powers To Me. It's Funny The Way The Audience Really Seems To Want Me, Nick The Actor, To Exhibit The Same Machismo As Ron Swanson.

One Of The Most Poignant Pieces Of Recent Science Fiction For Me Was The Portrayal Of The Adults In The Pixar Film Wall-e. I Feel Like We're On The Cusp Of Becoming Fat Babies In Floating Chairs Being Fed Everything In Shake Form, And I Feel Like I Am As Prone To Laziness As Anybody.

I Always Call Performing Live "giving The People The Medicine," Because When You're Engaged In It, You Can Feel The Sort Of Soul Magic Being Exchanged Between The Performer And The Audience.

If I Had More Time, I'd Watch More Woodworking Or Home-improvement Shows, But, Not Enough Hours In The Day.

Hours In The Day

I've Been Working Steadily As An Actor Since Around 1998. I Wasn't Well Known In The Public, But I Was A Dependable Working Journeyman.

Love One Another, Make Something With Your Hands, And Exalt The Farmer.

Love One Another

Figure Out What You Love To Do, Then Figure Out How To Get Paid To Do It.

Once You Have A Phd, Every Meeting You Go To Becomes A Doctor's Appointment.

Doing Voice Work Is More Like Recording Music That People Are Going To Listen To. You're Creating An Oral Experience Using Whatever Bells And Whistles You Have In Your Voice, And You Can Shut Your Eyes And Use Your Imagination And Nobody's Going To See If The Faces You Make Don't Match The Voices You Make. That's A Lot Of Fun.

Jack London Is A Very Generous Description Of My Small Hiking, Bicycling, And Canoeing Habit. I Myself Feel Like A Weak Urbanite A Lot Of The Time, Because Lots Of My Friends Are Incredible Outdoorsmen And Women.

I Am Always So Happy To Be At 'snl.' I Still Feel Like A Kid When I'm There, Like I Can't Believe I'm Watching Them Make The Show.

If Properly Dried And Trimmed, New York-style Pizza Could Be Used To Make A Box For Chicago-style Pizza. I Love A Slice When I'm In Nyc, But It's Like Eating A Slim Jim Compared With A Filet Mignon. One Slice Of Gino's East Stuffed Sausage Pizza Is A Bigger Meal Than An Entire New York Pie.

I Would Like Americans To Make Things With Their Hands. Thomas Jefferson And I Feel That Makes For A Much Stronger Nation.

The First Thing I Do, After I Talk With The Director And We Agree That I'm Going To Do The Role... My Jumping Off Point Is I Get A Picture Of What My 'look' Will Be. My Wardrobe Style, My Facial Hair, Glasses And All That Kind Of Stuff.

When It Comes To Marijuana, I Think It's Ridiculous To Live In A Country That Espouses Freedom, Liberty And Equality, Yet Won't Follow Through On A Philosophy That Says: "if It's Not Hurting Anybody Or Their Property, You Can Do Any Goddamn Thing You Want."

The World Is Split Into Two Halves: The Bacon, And The Bacon Eaters.

Marijuana Is Quite Possibly The Finest Of Intoxicants. It Has Been Scientifically Proven, For Decades, To Be Much Less Harmful To The Body Than Alcohol When Used On A Regular Basis.

If Your Shirt Isn't Tucked Into Your Pants, Then Your Pants Are Tucked Into Your Shirt.

I've Split My Life Between A Few Different Disciplines.

I Think That Laziness In Many Ways Is The Human Condition, And That's What Has Led Us To This Place Where, As We've Developed Technology.

You Know, Even Working Actors Can End Up Having A Lot Of Spare Time. And You Can Either Go Sit At The Starbucks And Wait For Your Agent To Call You, Or You Can Go Learn How To Build A Shaker Blanket Chest With Hand-cut Dovetails.

We're Cognizant, Curious Beings, Capable Of Philosophical Thought, Nuclear Physics, Repeating Nerf Weapons, Global Consciousness, Glade Air Fresheners, And Sentient Automobiles. But We're Assholes First.

I'm Enjoying The Opportunity That Parks And Recreation Affords Me To Exploit My Own Soapbox Agenda, Which Is To Try To Encourage People To Make Things With Their Hands.

I Always Drastically Changed My Look For Each Role. It's Gotten A Little Tedious In Real Life, Also, Because There's No Hiding.

I Learned As A Young Man That I Don't Write Jokes, But That I Can Deliver More Mundane Material And Get A Laugh. I Call Myself A Humorist.

I've Had To Learn And Discipline Myself That I'm Much Happier And Much Less Depressed If I Give Myself A Project. It's Just That Simple.

If You Like Comedy, Go Home And Curl Up With Leviticus. The Writers Of The Onion Are Handed Leviticus On Their First Day.

Only When You Get Into Tv And Film, Do People Really Want You To Be A 'specialist'.

Whatever It Is You Like To Do, That's The Sexiest Part Of You.

I Always Call Myself A "student" Of The Guitar.

Jobs That Require A Suit Upset Me. They Displease Me Much, As Our World Is Rife With Such Superficial Conformity.

I Don't Put A Great Deal Of Stock In Art Trophies.

When I Arrive In Los Angeles In The Entertainment Community, And I Use Implements Like A Shovel And A Hammer, Our Society Has Distanced Itself So Far From Working With Its Hands That Those Incredibly Pedestrian Skills Are Perceived As Somehow Being Extraordinary.

I Have A Corn Creamer That I Love. It Extracts Pulp And Juice From Kernels, And I Simmer That Down Into A Creamed Corn That Has An Almost Mashed Potato-like Consistency. I Add Butter And Hit It With Chopped Fresh Chives At The End For An Accent Of Color.

When I Got To Los Angeles, I Started Building Cabins In Peoples’ Yards, Building Post-and-beam Structures And Cutting The Joinery For Those.

When I Was A Kid, I Lived In This Small Town Way Out In The Country. We Had Three Tv Channels And One Radio Station. I Couldn't Even Get My Hands On Good Comic Books. My Aunt, Who Is A Librarian, Gave Me Tolkien's "the Lord Of The Rings," Laura Ingalls Wilder's "little House On The Prairie," And Lewis's "the Chronicles Of Narnia." They Were Such Incredible Treasures To Have In My Somewhat Mundane Country Life.

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