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Treat Your Career Like A Bad Boyfriend... Your Career Wont Take Care Of You. It Won't Call You Back Or Introduce You To Its Parents. Your Career Will Openly Flirt With Other People While You Are Around... You Have To Care About Your Work, But Not About The Result. You Have To Care About How Good You Are And How Good You Feel, But Not About How Good People Think You Are Or How Good People Think You Look.

-Amy Poehler

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Treat Your Career Like

Amy Poehler

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Treat Your Career Like A Bad Boyfriend... Your Career Wont Take Care Of You. It Won't Call You Back Or Introduce You To Its Parents. Your Career Will Openly Flirt With Other People While You Are Around... You Have To Care About Your Work, But Not About The Result. You Have To Care About How Good You Are And How Good You Feel, But Not About How Good People Think You Are Or How Good People Think You Look.

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I Find That, In General, The Amount Of Sharing Men Do With Each Other In One Year Is About The Same As What I Share With My Female Friends While We Wait For Our Cars At The Valet.

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Too Often We Women Try To Tackle Chaos That Is Not Ours To Fix.

I Have These Meetings With Really Powerful Men And They Ask Me All The Time, 'where Are Your Kids? Are Your Kids Here?' it's Such A Weird Question. Never In A Million Years Do I Ask Guys Where Their Kids Are. It Would Be Comparable To Me Going To A Guy, 'do You Feel Like You See Your Kids Enough?'

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Rooting For Other People's Failure Does Get In The Way Of Your Success...when You Can Wish Good Things For People And Rejoice When They Get It, So Many Gifts And Blessings Come To You That You Can't Even Imagine.

Don't Think. Get Out Of Your Head. Stop Planning And Just Go.

I Am Interested In People Who Swim In The Deep End. I Want To Have Conversations About Real Things With People Who Have Experienced Real Things. I'm Tired Of Talking About Movies And Gossiping About Friends. Life Is Crunchy And Complicated And All The More Delicious.

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You Can't Look Stupid If You're Having Fun.

A Top Mccain Policy Adviser Claimed This Week That Mccain's Work In The Senate Helped Create The Blackberry, Saying, 'you're Looking At The Miracle That John Mccain Helped Create.' He Then Handed The Blackberry To Mccain, Who Attempted To Withdraw $20 From It.

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Reading Was A Way To Make Friends Or Enemies, A Way To Discover How All These Different People Exist In The World And To Rub Shoulders With Them. The Ability To Feel As If You Have Met Someone, As If That Person Exists In Flesh And Blood And That You Relate To Them Somehow, Makes You Feel A Lot Less Lonely. And It Also Makes You Feel Very Brave.

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Prince Harry This Week Toured The Jersey Shore With New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. It Was The First Meeting Between The Prince, Of The House Of Windsor, And The Governor, Of The House Of Pancake.

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Try Putting Your Iphones Down Every Once In A While And Look At People's Faces.

Funny Graduation

I Want Girls To Feel That They Can Be Sassy And Full And Weird And Geeky And Smart And Independent, And Not So Withered And Shriveled. (the American Apparel Ads) I'm Over This Weird, Exhausted Girl. I'm Over The Girl That's Tired And Freezing And Hungry. I Like Bossy Girls. I Like People Filled With Life. I'm Over This Weird Media Thing With All This, Like, Hollow-eyed, Empty, Party Crap.

Make No A Complete Sentence.

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The Earlier You Learn That You Should Focus On What You Have, And Not Obsess About What You Don't Have, The Happier You Will Be.

Ignore What Other People Think. Most People Aren’t Even Paying Attention To You.

In The Wake Of Newly-alleged Prisoner Abuse This Week, Senator John Mccain Said That Continued Mistreatment Of Iraqi Prisoners Is Hurting The Nation's Image. Also Hurting The Nation's Image: Letting People Drown When It Rains.

Be Yourself! And Then Tell Us About It! And Then Let's Dance!

It Takes Years As A Woman To Unlearn What You Have Been Taught To Be Sorry For.

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My Phone Is Trying To Kill Me. It Is A Battery-charged Rectangle Of Disappointment And Possibility. It Is A Technological Pacifier.

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Sometimes You Have To Kind Of Keep Proving That You're Improvising. That's The Game, Or The Goal, Of Long-form Tv Improv, Is That You Have To Kind Of Keep Reminding And Showing People That You're Improvising, Because They Won't Believe You Really.

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Rooting For Other People's Failure Does Get In The Way Of Your Success.

When Young Girls Are Encouraged To Explore What They Find Interesting, They Grow Up To Be Interesting Women.

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Don't Start A Scene Where Two People Are Talking About Jumping Out Of A Plane. Start The Scene Having Already Jumped. If You Are Scared, Look Into Your Partner's Eyes. You Will Feel Better.

I Really Do Believe That Anything In Life - Any Obstacle Or Challenge - Can Be Made Better With Humor.

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Painful Experiences

Because Of Various Security Lapses, Some Senators Are Calling For A Probe Of The Security At The Offices Of The Department Of Homeland Security. The Investigation Will Be Conducted By The Department Of Irony.

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The Pressure Of 'what Are You Going To Do?' Makes Everyone Feel Like They Haven't Done Anything Yet.

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You Learn Early As An Actor That Creating Your Own Material Is The Only Way To Have Any Control.

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Sleep Is Out... Tired Is The New Black.

People Who Read Are People Who Dream, And We Connect Through The Stories We Live And Tell And Read.

I Love Bossy Women. Some People Hate The Word, And I Understand How "bossy" Can Seem Like A Shitty Way To Describe A Woman With A Determined Point Of View, But For Me, A Bossy Woman Is Someone To Search Out And Celebrate. A Bossy Woman Is Someone Who Cares And Commits And Is A Natural Leader.

I Get A Bit Nervous Because I Just Want The Show To Go Well. I Think You Always Have To Be A Little Bit Nervous, Or Else You're A Little Checked-out, And That's Maybe The Time When You're Not Doing Your Best Stuff, Because You're Kind Of Just Checked-out And Falling Back On Stuff.

Dreams Never Wear You Down.

Do Work That You Are Proud Of With Your Talented Friends.

Going From Crying To Laughing That Fast And Hard Happens Maybe Five Times In Your Life And That Extreme Right Turn Is The Reason Why We Are Alive, And I Believe It Extends Our Life By Many Years.

Career Is The Stringing Together Of Opportunities And Jobs. Mix In Public Opinion And Past Regrets. Add A Dash Of Future Panic And A Whole Lot Of Financial Uncertainty. Career Is Something That Fools You Into Thinking You Are In Control And Then Takes Pleasure In Reminding You That You Aren't. Career Is The Thing That Will Not Fill You Up And Will Never Make You Truly Whole.

I Believe Great People Do Things Before They Are Ready.

I Just Want To Help Other Women Achieve As Much As They Can In Society Without Restraints Being Imposed On Us. It's The Most Natural And Normal Thing To Want To Defend Your Rights To Equal Opportunities, Equal Pay For Equal Work, And Everything That Comes With That.

Don't Treat Your Heart Like An Action Figure Wrapped In Plastic And Never Used.

I Like The Person Who Commits And Goes All In And Takes Big Swings And Then Maybe Fails Or Looks Stupid; Who Jumps And Falls Down, Rather Than The Person Who Points At The Person Who Fell, And Laughs.

You Have To Care About How Good You Are And How Good You Feel, But Not About How Good People Think You Are Or How Good People Think You Look.

Fighting Aging Is Like The War On Drugs. It's Expensive, Does More Harm Than Good, And Has Been Proven To Never End.

Treat Your Career Like A Bad Boyfriend... Your Career Wont Take Care Of You. It Won't Call You Back Or Introduce You To Its Parents. Your Career Will Openly Flirt With Other People While You Are Around... You Have To Care About Your Work, But Not About The Result. You Have To Care About How Good You Are And How Good You Feel, But Not About How Good People Think You Are Or How Good People Think You Look.

I Like Hard Work And I Don’t Like Pretending Things Are Perfect.

I Want To Be Around People That Do Things. I Don't Want To Be Around People Anymore That Judge Or Talk About What People Do. I Want To Be Around People Who Dream And Support And Do Things.

Any Time You Talk To Anyone About Something That They Love, They're, Like, Their Most Beautiful. It's A Cool Gift To Get To Talk To People About What They Love.

I Had No Idea How To Get Guys To Notice Me. I Still Don't. Who Cares?

However, If You Do Start Crying In An Argument And Someone Asks Why, You Can Always Say, 'i'm Just Crying Because Of How Wrong You Are.'

Masters Of Sex Is The Degree I Got From Boston College.

It Doesn't Matter How Much You Get; You Are Left Wanting More.

Always Remember Your Kid's Name.

That Is The Motto Women Should Constantly Repeat Over And Over Again. 'good For Her! Not For Me.'

Find A Group Of People Who Challenge And Inspire You, Spend A Lot Of Time With Them, And It Will Change Your Life.

We May All Host Ourselves To Death, And If We're All Dead Who Will Host Our Funerals?

A Bossy Woman Is Someone To Search Out And Celebrate. A Bossy Woman Is Someone Who Cares And Commits And Is A Natural Leader.

We Have To Agree Beforehand To Divide The Funniest Lines Between Us. But Tina [fey] Is So Brilliant That I Just Love Every Moment Working With Her And Also Just Hanging Out Together As Friends.

There's Nothing Like Watching A Live Performance Of, Frankly, Anything. You Have To Make Sure That People Believe Everything Is Improvised. I Could Not Stress Enough How Little We [actors] Prepare And What Small Amount Of Time We Put In Before These Shows.

Symmetry Is Pleasing But Not As Sexy. Einstein Is Cool But Picasso Knows What I'm Talking About.

I Grew Up Watching Skating All The Time In The Olympic Stuff.

I Think The Days Of Putting Your Feet Up When You're Pregnant Are Long Gone. Women Who Are Nine Months Pregnant Now Have To Work Till The Bitter End - They Don't Get To Be On Tv.

I Don't Think A Man Who Is Fifteen Years Younger Than Me Should Tell Me He Is Proud Of Me Unless He Is My Sober Coach Or My Time-travel Dad.

Talented Men Are Not Threatened By Talented Women. They Welcome Them. And Same Way With Real Men.

I Get Worried For Young Girls Sometimes; I Want Them To Feel That They Can Be Sassy And Full And Weird And Geeky And Smart And Independent, And Not So Withered And Shriveled.

Most Of The Women In Your Life Will Outlast The Men In Your Life. The Saturday Night Live Ladies - Maya Rudolph, Rachel Dratch, Tina - And I Text Pictures Of Our Kids Back And Forth All The Time. It Keeps Us Connected. As My Nanny Used To Say, The Older You Get, The More Important It Is To Know People That Knew You When.

I Think The Hardest Thing Is To Know What You Want, Ask For It, And Then To Stop Talking.

The Desire To Work With Burrows-charles Was Really To Change Nbc's Identity, To Say, "we Want To Be In The Sophisticated-adult-comedy Business."

Well People Love To Go Dirty And Stuff Like That. It's Funny, Because Even Really Dirty Things Can Kind Of Inspire, But All Things Inspire Really Dirty Improv And Monologues. So Then Really Dirty Things Can Inspire The Exact Opposite. It's Kind Of A Crapshoot.

Always Remember Your Kid’s Name. Always Remember Where You Put Your Kid. Don’t Let Your Kid Drive Until Their Feet Can Reach The Pedals. Use The Right Size Diapers…for Yourself. And, When In Doubt, Make Funny Faces.

If You Do A Scene And You Really Like A Character In It Or A Premise In It To Write It Down And To Work On It So That You Can Have Five Or Six Characters That You Can Pull Out In An Audition.

When You Do Talk About Yourself, Or To Yourself... Try To Picture You Talking To Your Own Daughter, Or Your Younger Sister. Because You Would Tell Your Younger Sister Or Your Daughter That She Is Beautiful, And You Wouldn't Be Lying. Because She Is. And So Are You.

When I Began Doing Theatre In High School I Saw That I Could Get Laughs From People But I Didn't Really Connect That To Going On And Becoming A Comedian. I Was Interested In Acting And While I Was At Boston College I Was Part Of An Improv Group, Mother's Fleabag, Which Had A Long History And Has Been Known As One Of The Best College Improvisation Groups In The U.s.

Everybody Is Interesting When They Are Interested In Something.

It's Very Hard To Watch Comedy For Me, When I'm Doing A Comedy Show, Because I Either Watch A Show And I Love It, And I'm Jealous, Or I Watch A Show And I See All The Problems With It, And I'm Angry That I Watched It.

I Worked At An Ice Cream Parlor Called Chadwicks. We Wore Old-timey Outfits And Had To Bang A Drum, Play A Kazoo, And Sing 'happy Birthday' To People While Giving Them Free Birthday Sundaes. Lots Of Ice Cream Scooping And $1 Tips.

I Get A Little Itchy If I Don't Have Some Control.

When You're Doing Sketch Comedy And You're Pregnant, It's Like Wearing A Giant Sombrero In Every Sketch.

I Think Chemistry Is About Not Acting, But Reacting, And Not Talking, But Listening.

You Can Tell Someone You Love Them First. You Can Try To Speak Only The Truth For A Whole Week. You Can Jump Out Of An Airplane Or Spend Christmas Day All By Your Lonesome. You Can Help People Who Need Help And Fight Real Bad Guys. You Can Dance Fast Or Take An Improv Class Or Do One Of Those Ironman Things… Adventure And Danger Can Be Good For Your Heart And Soul.

When Your Children Arrive, The Best You Can Hope For Is That They Break Open Everything About You. Your Mind Floods With Oxygen. Your Heart Becomes A Room With Wide-open Windows. You Laugh Hard Every Day.

Most Authors Liken The Struggle Of Writing To Something Mighty And Macho, Like Wrestling A Bear. Writing A Book Is Nothing Like That. It Is A Small, Slow Crawl To The Finish Line. Honestly, I Have Moments When I Don't Even Care If Anyone Reads This Book. I Just Want To Finish It.

Whenever I Read Stories Of People Doing Huge Pranks On Set, All I Think Is, 'these People Have Too Much Time On Their Hands.' Besides, I Don't Want To Make Some Poor Assistant Clean Up Someone's Trailer After I've Filled It With, Say, Cadbury Eggs. See? I Can't Even Think Of A Good Prank.

I Am A Firm Believer That Every Few Years One Needs To Shake One's Life Through A Sieve, Like A Miner In The Yukon. The Gold Nuggets Remain. The Rest Falls Through Like The Soft Earth It Is.

I Cannot Stress Enough That The Answer To Life's Questions Is Often In People's Faces. Try Putting Your Iphones Down Once In A While, And Look In People's Faces. People's Faces Will Tell You Amazing Things. Like If They Are Angry, Or Nauseous Or Asleep.

If You're A Good Improviser, You Improvise Well Enough That People Think That You're Doing A Sketch.

Everyone Needs Love, Never Hurt A Living Thing [and] Don’t Worry About The Choices You Make Because Everything Will Be Fun Because Life Is A Closet Filled With Pool Toys.

An Interesting Thing About The Beginning Of Our Friendship And Professional Collaboration [with Tina Fey] Was That The Improve Scenes We Would Do Together Were Basically Dramatic And Not Funny At All.

Change Is The Only Constant. Learn To Surf Your Life Instead Of Planting Your Feet.

Nice Manners Are The Secret Keys To The Universe.

Creativity Is Connected To Passion - That Light Inside That Drives You.

[at Boston College] I Started Working On The Kinds Of Skills That You Need For Comedy. It's About Being Creative And Learning To Use Your Gift For Being Able To Let Loose And Be Very Unself-conscious. It Took Me Time Though Before I Was Really Able To Get Comfortable Doing That.

If You Are Lucky, There Is A Moment In Your Life When You Have Some Say As To What Your Currency Is Going To Be. I Decided Early On It Was Not Going To Be My Looks.

A Person's Tragedy Does Not Make Up Their Entire Life. A Story Carves Deep Grooves Into Our Brains Each Time We Tell It. But We Aren't One Story. We Can Change Our Stories. We Can Write Our Own.

Only At The Golden Globes Do The Beautiful People Of Film Rub Shoulders With The Rat-faced People In Television.

Vulnerable People Are Powerful People. Opening Your Heart And Sharing It Means You're Going To Get So Much Love In Your Life. And It's The Way To True Connection And Real Purpose And Meaning In Your Life, In My Opinion.

As You Navigate Through The Rest Of Your Life, Be Open To Collaboration. Other People And Other People's Ideas Are Often Better Than Your Own. Find A Group Of People Who Challenge And Inspire You, Spend A Lot Of Time With Them, And It Will Change Your Life.

I Don’t Really Believe In Cars, But I Drive One Every Day And I Love That It Gets Me Places And Makes Life So Much Easier And Faster And I Don’t Know What I Would Do Without It.

Continue To Share Your Heart With People Even If It's Been Broken.

Decide What Your Currency Is Early. Let Go Of What You Will Never Have. People Who Do This Are Happier And Sexier.

I Have Realized That Mystery Is What Keeps People Away, And I've Grown Tired Of Smoke And Mirrors. I Yearn For The Clean, Well-lighted Place. So Let's Peek Behind The Curtain And Hail The Others Like Us. The Open-faced Sandwiches Who Take Risks And Live Big And Smile With All Of Their Teeth. These Are The People I Want To Be Around. This Is The Honest Way I Want To Live And Love And Write.

Forgiveness Is Something That's Always Possibility.

I Am Tired Of Being Tired And Talking About How Tired I Am.

I Had To Come To Terms With How I Saw Myself. I Had To Understand That I Wasn't Pretty Or Beautiful Like Most Actresses And That I Shouldn't Care About Whether Other People Found Me Attractive Or Not.

A New Poll Reveals That 56% Of Americans Believe That Wal-mart Is Bad For The Country, While The Other 44% Work There.

Girls, If A Boy Says Something That Isn't Funny, You Don't Have To Laugh.

It's Not Communism, It's Shouldn't Be That Everybody Gets A Try No Matter How Good Or Bad They Are. It's Our Profession And Our Art, So We Should Eventually Strive To Be Working With The Best People.

I'd Say Any Good Set Or Any Comedy That I've Worked On, That's Worked, Has Been Comedians Pitching Ideas Back And Forth To Each Other. A Lot Of Like, 'what If You Say This? What About This?'

Sleep Helps You Win At Life.

I've Failed A Million Times On Stage. I've Listened To Notes That I Knew Weren't Right. I've Pitched Ideas And Let Other People Change Them, Knowing That It Was The Wrong Choice. The Question You Have To Ask Yourself Is: How Do You Want To Fail? Do You Want To Fail In A Way That Feels Like It Respects Your Tastes And Value System?

I Love My Boys So Much I Fear My Heart Will Explode. I Wonder If This Love Will Crack Open My Chest And Split Me In Half. It Is Scary, This Love.

If Boys Say Something That's Not Funny, You Don't Have To Laugh.

When Youre A Stay-at-home Mother You Have To Pretend Its Really Boring, But Its Not. Its Enriching And Fulfilling, And An Amazing Experience. And Then When Youre A Working Mother You Have To Pretend That You Feel Guilty All Day Long.

Earlier Today Former Vermont Governor Howard Dean Became The New Head Of The Democratic National Committee -- No Word On Who Will Be The Neck.

It's Interesting That People Always Want To Ask Me And A Lot Of Working Mothers, How Do You Do It? And It's Like Well, Just Like Everybody Else. It Proves It's A Bad Question.

Hey, Guess What? Turns Out The Free Market? Not So Free. Wall Street Was Hit Hard Monday When Lehman Brothers Filed For Bankruptcy, Merrill Lynch Was Sold To Bank Of America, And Insurance Giant Aig Neared A Collapse Of Its Own. Basically, If Your Commercials Air During Golf Tournaments, You're Done.

I Do Not Improvise In Heels.

It's Easier To Be Brave When You're Not Alone.

So, If You're Doing Good Longform With Talented People Than You Can Step Out And You Can Be The President Or A Construction Worker And People Accept That. It's Really The Roles You Give Yourself.

Construction Workers

I've Grown Tired Of Smoke And Mirrors. I Yearn For The Clean, Well-lighted Place.

Anger And Embarrassment Are Often Neighbors.

When I Had A Job Catering, I Catered A Wedding For The Smashing Pumpkins Bassist In Indiana. And I Served Billy Corgan Shrimp Off A Tray.

I Ate Two Waffles, A Banana And Cereal With Blueberries. And That Whas Between My Two Breakfasts.

The Only Thing We Can Depend On In Life Is That Everything Changes. The Seasons, Our Partners, What We Want And Need. We Hold Hands With Out High School Friends And Swear To Never Lose Touch, And Then We Do.change Is The Only Constant. Your Ability To Navigate And Tolerate Change And Its Painful Uncomfortableness Directly Correlates To Your Happiness And General Well-being.

I Think If I Have Established Anything In My Book, It's That A Key Element Of Being My Friend Is Being Comfortable With My Forced Fun.

If I Wanted To See Jonah Hill Masturbate At A Pool Party, I'd Go To One Of Jonah Hill's Pool Parties.

Your Career And Your Passion Don't Always Match Up. Plenty Of Talented People Don't Have The Careers They Want. Plenty Of Untalented People Make Millions And Make Movies. There Is A Difference Between Determination And Talent.

Adventure And Danger Can Be Good For Your Heart And Soul.

The Federal Government Began Investigating Allegations Of Fraud Against The Coalition Provisional Authority, A U.s. Contractor Accused In A Bid-rigging Operation Involving Millions Of Dollars. Asked To Comment, A Spokesperson For Halliburton Said, 'millions? With An M? That Is Adorable.'

Taking Risks And Making Choices Is What Makes Life So Exciting.

Telling Me To Relax Or Smile When I'm Angry Is Like Bringing A Birthday Cake Into An Ape Sanctuary. You're Just Asking To Get Your Nose And Genitals Bitten Off.

Sometimes You Need To Know To Quit While You're Ahead Or At Least Before Things Get Much Worse!

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