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Those Who Talk Most About The Blessings Of Marriage And The Constancy Of Its Vows Are The Very People Who Declare That If The Chain Were Broken And The Prisoners Left Free To Choose, The Whole Social Fabric Would Fly Asunder. You Cannot Have The Argument Both Ways. If The Prisoner Is Happy, Why Lock Him In? If He Is Not, Why Pretend That He Is?

-George Bernard Shaw

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Those Who Talk Most

George Bernard Shaw

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Those Who Talk Most About The Blessings Of Marriage And The Constancy Of Its Vows Are The Very People Who Declare That If The Chain Were Broken And The Prisoners Left Free To Choose, The Whole Social Fabric Would Fly Asunder. You Cannot Have The Argument Both Ways. If The Prisoner Is Happy, Why Lock Him In? If He Is Not, Why Pretend That He Is?

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What A Man Believes May Be Ascertained, Not From His Creed, But From The Assumptions On Which He Habitually Acts.

Home Is The Girl's Prison And The Woman's Workhouse.

Nothing Is Ever Done In This World Until Men Are Prepared To Kill One Another If It Is Not Done.

First Love Is Only A Little Foolishness And A Lot Of Curiosity.

The Philosopher Is Nature's Pilot. And There You Have Our Difference: To Be In Hell Is To Drift: To Be In Heaven Is To Steer.

What Use Are Cartridges In Battle? I Always Carry Chocolate Instead.

You Must All Know Half A Dozen People At Least Who Are No Use In This World, Who Are More Trouble Than They Are Worth. Just Put Them There And Say Sir, Or Madam, Now Will You Be Kind Enough To Justify Your Existence? If You Can't Justify Your Existence, If You're Not Pulling Your Weight In The Social Boat, If You're Not Producing As Much As You Consume Or Perhaps A Little More, Then, Clearly, We Cannot Use The Organizations Of Our Society For The Purpose Of Keeping You Alive, Because Your Life Does Not Benefit Us And It Can't Be Of Very Much Use To Yourself.

I Learned Long Ago, Never To Wrestle With A Pig. You Get Dirty, And Besides, The Pig Likes It.

Perhaps You Know Some Well-off Families Who Do Not Seem To Suffer From Their Riches. They Do Not Overeat Themselves; They Find Occupations To Keep Themselves In Health; They Do Not Worry About Their Position; They Put Their Money Into Safe Investments And Are Content With A Low Rate Of Interest; And They Bring Up Their Children To Live Simply And Do Useful Work. But This Means That They Do Not Live Like Rich People At All, And Might Therefore Just As Well Have Ordinary Incomes.

Money Is Indeed The Most Important Thing In The World; And All Sound And Successful Personal And National Morality Should Have This Fact For Its Basis.

In Truth , Mankind Cannot Be Saved From Without, By Schoolmasters Or Any Other Sort Of Masters: It Can Only Be Lamed And Enslaved By Them. It Is Said That If You Wash A Cat It Will Never Again Wash Itself. This May Or May Not Be True : What Is Certain Is That If You Teach A Man Anything He Will Never Learn It; And If You Cure Him Of A Disease He Will Be Unable To Cure Himself The Next Time It Attacks Him.

What We Want Is To See The Child In Pursuit Of Knowledge, And Not Knowledge In Pursuit Of The Child.

Murder And Capital Punishment Are Not Opposites That Cancel One Another, But Similars That Breed Their Kind. It Is The Deed That Teaches Not The Name We Give It.

Science Becomes Dangerous Only When It Imagines That It Has Reached Its Goal.

Home Life Is No More Natural To Us Than A Cage Is Natural To A Cockatoo.

Bible Worship, Though At Its Best It May Achieve Sublimity By Keeping Its Head In The Skies, May Also Make Itself Both Ridiculousand Dangerous By Having Its Feet Off The Ground.

If You Do Things Merely Because You Think Some Other Fool Expects You To Do Them, And He Expects You To Do Them Because He Thinks You Expect Him To Expect You To Do Them, It Will End In Everybody Doing What Nobody Wants To Do, Which Is In My Opinion A Silly State Of Things.

Think Of The Fierce Energy Concentrated In An Acorn! You Bury It In The Ground, And It Explodes Into An Oak! Bury A Sheep, And Nothing Happens But Decay.

All Progress Depends On The Unreasonable Man.

Perhaps I Had Better Inform My Protestant Readers That The Famous Dogma Of Papal Infallibility Is By Far The Most Modest Pretension Of The Kind In Existence. Compared With Our Infallible Democracies, Our Infallible Medical Councils, Our Infallible Astronomers, Our Infallible Judges, And Our Infallible Parliaments, The Pope Is On His Knees In The Dust Confessing His Ignorance Before The Throne Of God, Asking Only That As To Certain Historical Matters On Which He Has Clearly More Sources Of Information Open To Him Than Anyone Else His Decision Shall Be Taken As Final.

It's A Pity Youth Is Wasted On The Young.

It Is Not Enough To Know What Is Good: You Must Be Able To Do It.

Who Is This Baby Ruth? And What Does She Do?

The Medical Profession (is) A Conspiracy To Hide Its Own Shortcomings. No Doubt The Same May Be Said Of All Professions. They Are All Conspiracies Against The Laity... (u)ntil There Is A Practicable Alternative To Blind Trust In The Doctor, The Truth About The Doctor Is So Terrible That We Dare Not Face It.

Fashions Are Induced Epidemics.

The Practical Question, Then, Is What To Do With The Children. Tolerate Them At Home We Will Not. Let Them Run Loose In The Streets We Dare Not Until Our Streets Become Safe Places For Children, Which, To Our Utter Shame, They Are Not At Present, Though They Can Hardly Be Worse Than Some Homes And Some Schools.

If There Is Anything I Hate In A Woman, It's Want Of Character.

Though All Society Is Founded On Intolerance, All Improvement Is Founded On Tolerance.

People Have Pointed Out Evidences Of Personal Feeling In My Notices As If They Were Accusing Me Of A Misdemeanor, Not Knowing That Criticism Written Without Personal Feeling Is Not Worth Reading. It Is The Capacity For Making Good Or Bad Art A Personal Matter That Makes A Man A Critic.

I Have Found, After A Good Deal Of Consideration, That The Best Place To Seek God Is In A Garden. You Can Dig For Him Here.

To The Person With A Toothache, Even If The World Is Tottering, There Is Nothing More Important Than A Visit To A Dentist.

The Worst Cliques Are Those Which Consist Of One Man.

There Are Scores Of Thousands Of Human Insects Who Are Ready At A Moment's Notice To Reveal The Will Of God On Every Possible Subject

A Man Never Tells You Anything Until You Contradict Him.

The Surest Way To Ruin A Man Who Doesn't Know How To Handle Money Is To Give Him Some.

The Worst Sin... Is... To Be Indifferent.

Fashions Are The Only Induced Epidemics, Proving That Epidemics Can Be Induced By Tradesmen.

We Should Find Ourselves Committed To Killing A Great Many People Whom We Now Leave Living, And To Leave Living A Great Many People Whom We At Present Kill. We Should Have To Get Rid Of All Ideas About Capital Punishment.

A Contract For Better For Worse Is A Contract That Should Not Be Tolerated.

Alcohol Is The Anesthesia By Which We Endure The Operation Of Life.

If You Can't Get Rid Of The Skeleton In Your Closet, You'd Best Teach It To Dance.

It Is Clear That A Novel Cannot Be Too Bad To Be Worth Publishing. . . . It Certainly Is Possible For A Novel To Be Too Good To Be Worth Publishing.

Power Is The Faculty Or Capacity To Act, The Strength And Potency To Accomplish Something.

There Is No Subject On Which More Dangerous Nonsense Is Talked And Thought Than Marriage.

If All The Churches Of Europe Closed Their Doors Until The Drums Ceased Rolling They Would Act As A Most Powerful Reminder That Though The Glory Of War Is A Famous And Ancient Glory, It Is Not The Final Glory Of God.

Taxes Are The Chief Business Of A Conqueror Of The World.

When Satan Makes Impure Verses, Allah Sends A Divine Tune To Cleanse Them.

If You Go To Heaven Without Being Naturally Qualified For It You Will Not Enjoy Yourself There.

Life At Its Noblest Leaves Mere Happiness Far Behind; And Indeed Cannot Endure It. Happiness Is Not The Object Of Life: Life Has No Object: It Is An End In Itself; And Courage Consists In The Readiness To Sacrifice Happiness For An Intenser Quality Of Life.

Everybody Who Does Not Live In A Prostitute's Bed And On A Diet Of Cocaine Snow Is Called An Ascetic Nowadays.

Plato Long Ago Pointed Out The Importance Of Being Governed By Men With Sufficient Sense Of Responsibility And Comprehension Of Public Duties To Be Very Reluctant To Undertake The Work Of Governing.

Our Necessities Are Few, But Our Wants Are Endless.

If You Demand My Authorities For This And That, I Must Reply That Only Those Who Have Never Hunted Up The Authorities As I Have Believe That There Is Any Authority Who Is Not Contradicted Flatly By Some Other Authority.

My Schooling Did Me A Great Deal Of Harm And No Good Whatever; It Was Simply Dragging A Child's Soul Through The Dirt.

Like Fingerprints, All Marriages Are Different.

My Reputation Grows With Every Failure.

Learning From Failure

Silence Is The Most Perfect Expression Of Scorn.

In My Dreams Is A Country Where The State Is The Church And The Church The People: Three In One And One In Three. It Is A Commonwealth In Which Work Is Play And Play Is Life: Three In One And One In Three. It Is A Temple In Which The Priest Is The Worshiper And The Worshiper The Worshipped: Three In One And One In Three. It Is A Godhead In Which All Life Is Human And All Humanity Divine: Three In One And One In Three.

Make Money And The Whole Nation Will Conspire To Call You A Gentleman.

Happiness And Beauty Are By-products.

Happiness And Beauty

I Love Little Children Too But I Don't Cut Off Their Heads And Stick Them In Vases.

Justice Is Impartiality. Only Strangers Are Impartial.

Capitalism Justified Itself And Was Adopted As An Economic Principle On The Express Ground That It Provides Selfish Motives For Doing Good, And That Human Beings Will Do Nothing Except For Selfish Motives

We All Go About Longing For Love: It Is The First Need Of Our Natures, The Loudest Cry Of Our Hearts.

When You Read A Biography Remember That The Truth Is Never Fit For Publication.

Only Where There Is Pecuniary Equality Can The Distinction Of Merit Stand Out.

If The English Can Survive Their Food, They Can Survive Anything.

Death Is For Many Of Us The Gate Of Hell; But We Are Inside On The Way Out, Not Outside On The Way In.

We Must Always Think About Things, And We Must Think About Things As They Are, Not As They Are Said To Be.

A Genius Is A Person Who Is Seeing Further And Probing Deeper Than Other People Has A Different Set Of Ethical Valuations From Their And Has Energy Enough To Give Effect To This Extra Vision And Its Valuations In Whatever Manner Best Suits His Or Her

The Problem With The Press Is That They Can't Tell The Difference Between A Bicycle Crash And The End Of Civilization.

My Method Is To Take The Utmost Trouble To Find The Right Thing To Say, And Then To Say It With The Utmost Levity.

Public Speaking

I Have Studied Him - The Wonderful Man - And In My Opinion Far From Being An Anti-christ He Must Be Called The Saviour Of Humanity.

When A Man Wants To Murder A Tiger He Calls It Sport; When A Tiger Wants To Murder Him He Calls It Ferocity.

We Are Sick Of War, We Don't Want To Fight, And Yet We Gorge Ourselves Upon The Dead.

Vegetarian Diet

To Endure The Pain Of Living, We All Drug Ourselves More Or Less With Gin, With Literature, With Superstitions, With Romance, With Idealism, Political, Sentimental, And Moral, With Every Possible Preparation Of That Universal Hashish: Imagination.

There Is Nothing So Bad Or So Good That You Will Not Find Englishmen Doing It; But You Will Never Find An Englishman In The Wrong. He Does Everything On Principle. He Fights You On Patriotic Principles; He Robs You On Business Principles; He Enslaves You On Imperial Principles; He Bullies You On Manly Principles; He Supports His King On Loyal Principles And Cuts Off His King's Head On Republican Principles.

Life's No Brief Candle-it's A Splendid Torch!

Youth, What A Pity To Waste It On The Young.

What Is Wrong With Priests And Popes Is That Instead Of Being Apostles And Saints, They Are Nothing But Empirics Who Say I Know Instead Of I Am Learning, And Pray For Credulity And Inertia As Wise Men Pray For Skepticism And Activity.

We Are Told That When Jehovah Created The World He Saw That It Was Good What Would He Say Now

If At Age 20 You Are Not A Communist Then You Have No Heart. If At Age 30 You Are Not A Capitalist Then You Have No Brains.

The Ideal Love Affair Should Be Conducted By Post.

The Most Sincere Form Of Love Is Love For Food

I Fought Linotype And Montype For Some Time Because It Would Not Justify As Well As Handset Could Be Made To Do; But At Last, As Always Happens, The Machine Outdid The Hand, And Got All The Best Types On It.

Money Enables Us To Get What We Want Instead Of What Other People Think We Want.

Liberty Is The Breath Of Life To Nations.

Happy Independence Day

It's Prudent To Gain The Whole World And Lose Your Own Soul. But Don't Forget That Your Soul Sticks To You If You Stick To It; But The World Has A Way Of Slipping Through Your Fingers.

Man Can Climb To The Highest Summits, But He Cannot Dwell There Long.

The Hand Of The Painter Is Incurably Mechanical: His Technique Is Incurably Artificial... The Camera... Is So Utterly Unmechanical.

Faith In Reason As A Prime Motor Is No Longer The Criterion Of The Sound Mind, Any More Than Faith In The Bible Is The Criterion Of Righteous Intention.

Marriage Is An Alliance Entered Into By A Man Who Can't Sleep With The Window Shut, And A Woman Who Can't Sleep With The Window Open.

Capitalism Has Destroyed Our Belief In Any Effective Power But That Of Self Interest Backed By Force. But Even Capitalist Cynicism Will Admit That However Unconscionable We May Be When Our Own Interests Are Affected, We Can Be Most Indignantly Virtuous At The Expense Of Others.

All Sorts Of Bodily Diseases Are Produced By Half-used Minds.

Women Upset Everything. When You Let Them Into Your Life, You Find That The Woman Is Driving At One Thing And You're Driving At Another.

If You Would Stick To The Concrete, And Put Your Discoveries In The Form Of Entertaining Anecdotes About Your Adventures With Women, Your Conversation Would Be Easier To Follow.

I Never Climbed Any Ladder: I Have Achieved Eminence By Sheer Gravitation.

I Finished My First Book Seventy-six Years Ago. I Offered It To Every Publisher On The English-speaking Earth I Had Ever Heard Of. Their Refusals Were Unanimous: And It Did Not Get Into Print Until, Fifty Years Later; Publishers Would Publish Anything That Had My Name On It.

My Specialty Is Being Right When Other People Are Wrong.

I Never Accepted A Knighthood Because To Me, Is Honour Enough?

My Only Policy Is To Profess Evil And Do Good.

As People Get Their Opinions So Largely From The Newspapers They Read, The Corruption Of The Schools Would Not Matter So Much If The Press Were Free. But The Press Is Not Free. As It Costs At Least A Quarter Of A Million Of Money To Establish A Daily Newspaper In London, The Newspapers Are Owned By Rich Men. And They Depend On The Advertisements Of Other Rich Men. Editors And Journalists Who Express Opinions In Print That Are Opposed To The Interests Of The Rich Are Dismissed And Replaced By Subservient Ones.

I Never Expect A Soldier To Think.

Syllables Govern The World.

A Doctor's Reputation Is Made By The Number Of Eminent Men Who Die Under His Care.

Religion Is A Good Invention In Times Of Stress.

The Writer Who Aims At Producing The Platitudes Which Are "not For An Age, But For All Time" Has His Reward In Being Unreadable Inall Ages.... The Man Who Writes About Himself And His Own Time Is The Only Sort Of Man Who Writes About All People And About All Time.

People Get Tired Of Everything, And Of Nothing Sooner Than Of What They Most Like.

The Statesman Cannot Govern Without Stability Of Belief, True Or False.

As To Spelling The Very Frequent Word Though With Six Letters Instead Of Two, It Is Impossible To Discuss It, As It Is Outside The Range Of Common Sanity. In Comparison Such A Monstrosity As Phlegm For Flem Is Merely Disgusting.

If The Announcer Can Produce The Impression That He Is A Gentleman, He May Pronounce As He Pleases.

The People Who Get On In This World Are The People Who Get Up And Look For The Circumstances They Want And If They Can't Find Them, Make Them.

Treat Persons Who Profess To Be Able To Cure Disease As You Treat Fortune Tellers.

Hurrah For Revolution And More Cannon-shot! A Beggar Upon Horseback Lashes A Beggar On Foot. Hurrah For Revolution And Cannon Come Again! The Beggars Have Changed Places, But The Lash Goes On.

First Really Like Is Just A Little Bit Foolishness As Well As A Lot Of Curiosity. No Actually Self-respecting Girl Would Reap The Benefits Of It.

You Can Easily Find People Who Are Ten Times As Rich At Sixty As They Were At Twenty But Not One Of Them Will Tell You That They Are Ten Times As Happy

What A Heartbreaking Job It Is Trying To Combine Authors For Their Own Protection... The First Lesson I Learned Was That When You Take The Field For The Authors You Will Be Safer Without A Breastplate Than Without A Backplate.

This Is The True Joy In Life: Being Used For A Purpose Recognized By Yourself As A Mighty One, Being A Force Of Nature Instead Of A Feverish, Selfish Little Clod Of Ailments And Grievances, Complaining That The World Will Not Devote Itself To Making You Happy. I Am Of The Opinion That My Life Belongs To The Whole Community And As Long As I Live, It Is My Privilege To Do For It What I Can. It Is A Sort Of Splendid Torch Which I Have Got Hold Of For The Moment And I Want To Make It Burn As Brightly As Possible Before Handing It On To Future Generations.

As 99 Per Cent Of English Authors And 100 Per Cent Of American Ones [authors] Are Just Such Imbeciles, Managers And Publishers Make A Practice Of Asking For Every Right The Author Possesses.

When A Lion Meets Another With A Louder Roar, The First Lion Thinks The Last A Bore.

A Family Is A Tyranny Ruled Over By It's Weakest Member.

Bourgeois Morality Is Largely A System Of Making Cheap Virtues A Cloak For Expensive Vices.

All Progress Is Due To The Unreasonable Person.

What Is Virtue But The Trade Unionism Of The Married?

I Hate Performers Who Debase Great Works Of Art; I Long For Their Annihilation.

Man Is The Only Animal Of Which I Am Thoroughly And Cravenly Afraid...there Is No Harm In A Well-fed Lion. It Has No Ideals, No Sect, No Party.

A Revolutionist Is One Who Desires To Discard The Existing Social Order And Try Another.

Let Wife And Child Perish, And Lay Bricks For Your Last Crust, Rather Than Part With An Iota Of Your [copy]rights.

Imagination Is The Beginning Of Creation. You Imagine What You Desire, You Will What You Imagine And At Last You Create What You Will.

Every Doctor Will Allow A Colleague To Decimate A Whole Countryside Sooner Than Violate The Bond Of Professional Etiquette By Giving Him Away.

English Is The Easiest Language To Speak Badly.

Besides, Do Any Of Us Understand What We Are Doing? If We Did, Would We Ever Do It?

To A Professional Critic (i Have Been One Myself) Theatre-going Is The Curse Of Adam. The Play Is The Evil He Is Paid To Endure In The Sweat Of His Brow; And The Sooner It Is Over, The Better.

What We Are Confronted With Now Is A Growing Perception That If We Desire A Certain Type Of Civilization And Culture We Must Exterminate The Sort Of People Who Do Not Fit Into It.

The Seven Deadly Sins... Food, Clothing, Firing, Rent, Taxes, Respectability And Children. Nothing Can Lift Those Seven Millstones From Man's Neck But Money; And The Spirit Cannot Soar Until The Millstones Are Lifted.

If You Must Hold Yourself Up To Your Children As An Object Lesson, Hold Yourself Up As A Warning And Not As An Example.

Both Optimists And Pessimists Contribute To Society. The Optimist Invents The Aeroplane, The Pessimist The Parachute.

An Idea That No One Believes Can Not Be Proved Too Often.

No Question Is So Difficult To Answer As That To Which The Answer Is Obvious.

Questions And Answers

Problem Solving

For Four Wicked Centuries The World Has Dreamed This Foolish Dream Of Efficiency; And The End Is Not Yet. But The End Will Come.

Brigham Young Lived To Become Immortal In History As An American Moses By Leading His People Through The Wilderness Into An Unpromised Land.

Being Hurt By Someone You Truly Care About Leaves A Hole In You Heart That Only Love Can Fill.

You Don't Get Tired Of Muffins, But You Don't Find Inspiration In Them.

Never Waste Jealousy On A Real Man: It Is The Imaginary Man That Supplants Us All In The Long Run.

Fashions, After All, Are Only Induced Epidemics.

Baseball Has The Great Advantage Over Cricket Of Being Sooner Ended.

During The Last Considerable Epidemic At The Turn Of The Century, I Was A Member Of The Health Committee Of London Borough Council, And I Learned How The Credit Of Vaccination Is Kept Up Statistically By Diagnosing All The Revaccinated Cases (of Smallpox) As Pustular Eczema, Varioloid Or What Not---except Smallpox.

That Older And Greater Church To Which I Belong: The Church Where The Oftener You Laugh The Better, Because By Laughter Only Can You Destroy Evil Without Malice

Never Resist Temptation: Prove All Things: Hold Fast That Which Is Good.

The Man With A Toothache Thinks Everyone Happy Whose Teeth Are Sound. The Poverty-stricken Man Makes The Same Mistake About The Rich Man.

If You Injure Your Neighbour, Better Not Do It By Halves.

Not Everybody Is Strong Enough To Endure Life Without An Anesthetic. Drink Probably Averts More Gross Crime Than It Causes.

Audacious Ribald: Your Laughter Will Finish In Hideous Boredom Before Morning.

I Dislike Feeling At Home When I Am Abroad.

Morality Consists Of Suspecting Other People Of Not Being Legally Married.

All Evolution In Thought And Conduct Must At First Appear As Heresy And Misconduct.

I'm An Atheist And I Thank God For It.

If Women Were As Fastidious As Men, Morally Or Physically, There Would Be An End Of The Race.

The Buried Truth Germinates And Breaks Through To The Light.

A Man Who Loses His Money Gains, At The Least, Experience, And Sometimes, Something Better.

Just Do What Must Be Done. This May Not Be Happiness, But It Is Greatness.

What You Are To Do Without Me I Cannot Imagine.

Money Is The Counter That Enables Life To Be Lived Socially; It Is Life As Truly As Sovereigns And Banknotes Are Money.

Capitalism Drives The Employers To Do Their Worst To The Employed, And The Employed To Do The Least For Them. And It Boasts All The Time Of The Incentive It Provides To Both To Do Their Best! . . . The Reason The Capitalist System Has Worked So Far Without Jamming For More Than A Few Months At A Time, And Then Only In Places, Is That It Has Not Yet Succeeded In Making A Conquest Of Human Nature So Complete That Everybody Acts On Strictly Business Principles.

Though The Life Force Supplies Us With Its Own Purpose, It Has No Other Brains To Work With Than Those It Has Painfully And Imperfectly Evolved In Our Heads.

No Man Fully Capable Of His Own Language Ever Masters Another.

No King On Earth Is As Safe In His Job As A Trade Union Official. There Is Only One Thing That Can Get Him Sacked; And That Is Drink. Not Even That, As Long As He Doesn't Actually Fall Down.

When God Created Man And Woman, He Did Not Take A Patent. That's Why Any Imbecile Has Been Able To Do So Ever Since.

Few People Think More Than Two Or Three Times A Year; I Have Made An International Reputation For Myself By Thinking Once Or Twice A Week.

Of All Human Struggles There Is None So Treacherous And Remorseless As The Struggle Between The Artist Man And The Mother Woman.

It Is The First Duty Of Every Man Not To Be Poor.

If You Leave The Smallest Corner Of Your Head Vacant For A Moment, Other People's Opinions Will Rush In From All Quarters.

In Gambling The Many Must Lose In Order That The Few May Win.

My Situation Is A Solemn One: Life Is Offered To Me On The Condition Of Eating Beefsteaks. But Death Is Better Than Cannibalism. My Will Contains Directions For My Funeral, Which Will Be Followed, Not By Mourning Coaches, But By Oxen, Sheep, Flocks Of Poultry, And A Small Traveling Aquarium Of Live Fish, All Wearing White Scarves In Honor Of The Man Who Perished Rather Than Eat His Fellow Creatures. It Will Be, Without The Exception Of Noah's Ark, The Most Remarkable Thing Of Its Kind Ever Seen.

Of The Two Lots, The Woman's Lot Of Perpetual Motherhood, And The Man's Of Perpetual Babyhood, I Prefer The Man's.

A Man Ought To Be Able To Be Fond Of His Wife Without Making A Fool Of Himself About Her.

Those Who Won't Hesitate To Vivisect, Won't Hesitate To Lie About It As Well.

The Liar's Punishment Is Not In The Least That He Is Not Believed, But That He Cannot Believe Anyone Else.

If I Refuse To Allow My Leg To Be Amputated, Its Mortification And My Death May Prove That I Was Wrong; But If I Let The Leg Go, Nobody Can Ever Prove That It Would Not Have Mortified Had I Been Obstinate. Operation Is Therefore The Safe Side For The Surgeon As Well As The Lucrative Side.

Where There Is No Religion, Hypocrisy Becomes Good Taste.

Criminals Do Not Die By The Hands Of The Law. They Die By The Hands Of Other Men.

It Is One Of The Mysterious Ways Of Allah To Make Women Troublesome When He Makes Them Beautiful.

I Would Exchange Every Painting Of Christ For One Snapshot.

I Am Sorry To Have To Introduce The Subject Of Christmas. It Is An Indecent Subject; A Cruel, Gluttonous Subject; A Drunken, Disorderly Subject; A Wasteful, Disastrous Subject; A Wicked, Cadging, Lying, Filthy, Blasphemous And Demoralizing Subject. Christmas Is Forced On A Reluctant And Disgusted Nation By The Shopkeepers And The Press: On Its Own Merits It Would Wither And Shrivel In The Fiery Breath Of Universal Hatred; And Anyone Who Looked Back To It Would Be Turned Into A Pillar Of Greasy Sausages.

I Like A Bit Of Mongrel Myself, Whether It's A Man Or A Dog.

Time Enough To Think Of The Future When You Haven't Any Future To Think Of.

Every Dream Is A Prophecy: Every Jest Is An Earnest In The Womb Of Time.

It Is Always Necessary To Overstate A Cast Startlingly To Make People Sit Up And Listen To It, And To Frighten Them Into Acting On It.

Youth, Which Is Forgiven Everything, Forgives Itself Nothing: Age, Which Forgives Itself Everything, Is Forgiven Nothing.

Start With The Belief That Your Life Can Indeed Be Changed, And That You Have The Power To Change It.

I Become More Convinced That Beings From Other Planets Are Using The Earth As A Lunatic Asylum

Lunatic Asylums

You Accepted Allah Or You Had Your Throat Cut By Someone Who Did Accept Him, And Who Went To Paradise For Having Sent You To Hell.

But Whether The Risks To Which Liberty Exposes Us Are Moral Or Physical Our Right To Liberty Involves The Right To Run Them. A Man Who Is Not Free To Risk His Neck As An Aviator Or His Soul As A Heretic Is Not Free At All; And The Right To Liberty Begins, Not At The Age Of 21 Years But 21 Seconds.

A Man's Own Self Is The Last Person To Believe In Him, And Is Harder To Cheat Than The Rest Of The World.

It Is Doubtless Wise, When A Reform Is Introduced, To Try To Persuade The British Public That It Is Not A Reform At All; But Appearances Must Be Kept Up To Some Extent At Least.

If You Eliminate Smoking And Gambling, You Will Be Amazed To Find That Almost All An Englishman's Pleasures Can Be, And Mostly Are, Shared By His Dog.

Self-denial Is Not A Virtue; It Is Only The Effect Of Prudence On Rascality.

Alcohol Is A Very Necessary Article. It Enables Parliament To Do Things At Eleven At Night That No Sane Person Would Do At Eleven In The Morning.

A Man Of My Spiritual Intensity Does Not Eat Corpses.

Shall I Turn Up The Light For You? No, Give Me Deeper Darkness. Money Is Not Made In The Light.

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