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This May Be The Age Of Automation, But Love Is Still Being Made By Hand.

-Evan Esar

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This May Be The

Evan Esar

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This May Be The Age Of Automation, But Love Is Still Being Made By Hand.

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Anger Is The Feeling That Makes Your Mouth Work Faster Than Your Mind.

An Epigram Is The Marriage Of Wit And Wisdom; A Wisecrack, Their Divorce.

Some Couples Divorce Because Of A Misunderstandin G; Others, Because They Understand Each Other Too Well.

Many A Woman Would Get A Divorce If She Could Do It Without Making Her Husband Happy.

A Dictator's Chief Problem Is Keeping The Stomachs Of His Subjects Full While Keeping Their Heads Empty.

There's Only One Kind Of Common Sense But A Thousand Varieties Of Stupidity.

An Actor Is A Man With An Infinite Capacity For Taking Praise.

Conceit Is A Disease That The Doctors Got No Cure They've Done A Lot Of Research On It But What It Is, They're Still Not Sure.

The Little Boy Who Goes To The Store And Forgets What His Mother Sent Him For, Will Probably Grow Up To Be A Congressman.

The Tongue Is The Only Muscle In The Human Body That Never Gets Tired [talking].

About The Only Time Congress Conforms To The Will Of The People Is When It Decides To Adjourn.

To A Teenager, It Cannot Be True Love If Her Family Approves Of Him.

The Three Chief Causes Of Divorce Are Men, Women, And Marriage.

We Can't Do Much About The Length Of Our Lives, But We Can Do Plenty About It's Width And Depth.

Charm Is To A Woman What Perfume Is To A Flower.

Hindsight Is Good, Foresight Is Better; But Second Sight Is Best Of All.

A Homosexual Is The Only Man Who Ever Meets A Man He Would Like To Marry If He Were A Woman.

Divorce Is The Price People Play For Playing With Matches.

Diets Show To What Great Lengths Women Will Go So As Not To Go To Great Widths.

A Bright Eye Indicates Curiosity; A Black Eye, Too Much.

The Trouble With The World Is That Laziness Is Seldom Curable And Never Fatal.

Many A Husband Lives To Regret The Extravagant Fee He Bestowed Upon The Minister Who Sentenced Him.

When Laziness Attacks A Woman, It Always Avoids Her Tongue.

Reactionary: One Who Wants The Rules Enforced So Nobody Can Take His Pile Away From Him The Way He Got It From Others.

Many A Girl Who Can't Dance Well Makes Up For It During Intermission.

Times Change: It Was Once The Custom To Take A Bath Weekly And Religion Daily.

Next Time A Man Tells You Talk Is Cheap, Ask Him If He Knows How Much A Session Of Congress Costs.

The First Requisite For A Good Cup Of Coffee In The Morning Is To Get Your Wife Out Of Bed.

Formerly When A Man Worked Ten Hours A Day, It Was Called Economic Slavery; Nowadays It Is Called Moonlighting.

You Can Always Make A Loan At A Bank If You Can Show Sufficient Evidence That You Don't Need It.

Ego: The Only Thing That Can Keep Growing Without Nourishment.

Communism Is A Form Of Society Where The Less People Have To Eat, The More They Have To Swallow.

The Only Place Where You Can Find Equality Is In The Cemetery.

Some Men Are So Eager For Success That They Are Even Willing To Work For It.

The Best Way To Make A Long Story Short Is To Stop Listening.

Some Men Take Good Care Of A Car; Others Treat It Like One Of The Family.

Washington Is The Place Where Nobody Believes A Rumor Until It Has Been Officially Denied.

Somebody Is Always Doing Something That Somebody Else Said Couldn't Be Done.

A Man Picks A Wife About The Same Way An Apple Picks A Farmer.

The Car Was Invented As A Convenient Place To Sit Out Traffic Jams

If You Can't Bear To Have Your Face Stepped On, Don't Try To Climb The Ladder Of Success.

Some People Would Never Get Any Exercise At All If They Didn't Have To Walk To Their Cars.

A Vacation Is Like Love - Anticipated With Pleasure, Experienced With Discomfort, And Remembered With Nostalgia.

With A Braggart, It's No Sooner Done Than Said.

All Work And No Pay Makes A Housewife.

Everything Comes To Him Who Waits -- If He Waits Till It Comes.

A Lecturer Often Makes You Feel Dumb At One End And Numb At The Other.

Conscience Is What Makes A Boy Tell His Mother Before His Sister Does.

Hope Is Tomorrow's Veneer Over Today's Disappointment.

The Secret Of Successful Writing Lies In Striking The Right Keys On The Typewriter.

A Husband Is Like A Fire. He Goes Out When Unattended.

The Man Who Avoids Debt Doesn't Have To Worry About Avoiding His Creditors.

The Lazy Man Claims He Is Too Heavy For Light Work And Too Light For Heavy Work.

It Takes Hundreds Of Nuts To Hold A Car Together, But It Takes Only One Of Them To Scatter It All Over The Highway.

Age Brings Wisdom To Some Men, And To Others Chess.

It's Not The Loss Of Life That Makes The Death Bitter -- It's The Obituaries.

Some Women Get Divorces On The Grounds Of Incompatibility; Others, On Just The First Two Syllables.

The Man Who Has A Girl In Every Port Is Not A Sailor But A Wholesaler.

Many A Man Who Goes To Las Vegas To Get Away From It All Soon Finds That Las Vegas Gets It All Away From Him.

The Cat: An Animal That's So Unpredictable, You Can Never Tell In Advance How It Will Ignore You The Next Time.

In Congress The Majority Governs, But The Minority Rules.

If You Want To Know How Little Your Dignity Is Worth, Take It To The Pawnbroker.

A Compromise Is A Settlement By Which Each Side Gets What Neither Side Wanted.

Etymology: From Latin Ad-, "to" + Visum, Past Participle Of Videre, "to See". Advice Is What You Get From Your Parents When You Are Growing Up, And From Your Children When You Are Growing Old.

In Elections, The Undecided Vote Is Usually The Deciding Factor.

Adam And Eve Were The First Of All Unions To Defy Management.

Divorce Has Become So Easy Nowadays That Women Have Stopped Crying At Weddings.

Congress Would Give The People What They Wanted If The People Knew What They Wanted, And If Congress Could Give It To Them.

If You Don't Like To Make Excuses Or Apologies, Stop Making Promises.

If You Want To Be Successful, You Must Either Have A Chance Or Take One.

There Is Nothing More Dignified Than A Corpse.

A Home In The Country Is What A City Man Hopes To Buy And A Farmer Hopes To Sell.

America Believes In Education: The Average Professor Earns More Money In A Year Than A Professional Athlete Earns In A Whole Week.

There Is A Lot Of Difference Between The Man Who Is Not Able And His Brother Who Is Notable.

Character Is What You Have Left When You've Lost Everything You Can Lose.

Lost Everything

A Dollar Saved Is A Dollar Earned But Seldom Vice Versa.

More Diets Start In Dress Shops Than In Doctors' Offices.

A Credit Card Is A Convenient Device That Saves You The Trouble Of Counting Your Change.

All Things Come To Him Who Waits, But They Are Mostly Leftovers From Those Who Didn't Wait.

A Girl Never Cares Who Casts The First Stone At Her -- As Long As It's A Diamond

There's Only One Thing Worse Than To Live Without Working, And That Is To Work Without Living.

The Mint Makes It First, It Is Up To You To Make It Last.

Common Sense Is Usually Lack Of Imagination, And Imagination Is Usually Lack Of Common Sense.

Do A Little More Every Day Than You Are Expected To Do, And Soon You Will Be Expected To Do More.

A Creature That Never Cries Over Spilt Milk: A Cat.

Some Members Of Congress Ought To Have Their Mouths Taped Instead Of Their Speeches.

Good Teachers Cost A Lot; But, Poor Teachers Cost A Lot More.

Women Diet To Retain Their Girlish Figures Or Their Boyish Husbands.

A Batch Of Credit Cards Fattens A Wallet Before It Thins It.

Life Is A Game Played On Us While We Are Playing Other Games.

After Wisdom Comes Wit.

A Bacteriologist Is A Man Whose Conversation Always Start With The Germ Of An Idea.

Egocentric: A Person Who Has His I's Too Close Together.

A Signature Always Reveals A Man's Character - And Sometimes Even His Name.

The Saddest Thing In Life Is To Marry A Woman Who Looks Like A Cook--and Isn't.

Divorce Is The Key That Opens The Strongbox Where The Bonds Of Matrimony Are Kept Under Wedlock.

Many People Will Laugh At The Drop Of A Hat, Especially If The Man Is Still In It.

Conscience Gets A Lot Of Credit That Really Belongs To Cowardice.

Every Bride And Groom Would Do Well To Remember That In Wedding, The We Comes Before The I.

Bride And Groom

Admiration: Our Feeling Of Delight That Another Person Resembles Us.

Laugh And The World Laughs With You; Cry -- And The World Laughs Harder.

When You Make Your Mark In The World, Watch Out For The Envious With Erasers.

The Only Way To Cure An Egotist From Bragging Is By Surgery--amputation At The Neck.

Adolescence Begins When Children Stop Asking Questions-because They Know All The Answers.

Asking Questions

There Would Be No Population Explosion If People Who Are Trying To Keep The Wolf From The Door Wouldn't Let The Stork Fly In Through The Window.

The Difference Between Us And Other People Is That Their Money Looks Bigger And Their Troubles Smaller.

The Most Uncommon Form Of Intelligence Is Common Sense.

Definition Of A Statistician: A Man Who Believes Figures Don't Lie, But Admits Than Under Analysis Some Of Them Won't Stand Up Either.

Communism Is A Form Of Government Under Which Every Citizen At Election Time Enjoys The Privilege Of Voting Yes.

Las Vegas Is A Resort Whose Two Chief Sources Of Income Are Seven And Eleven.

Egotist: 1. A Person Who Is His Own Best Friend. 2. An I Specialist. 3. A Man Whose Opinions All Change, Except The One He Has Of Himself.

The Lord Takes Care Of His Own, But Church Trustees Still Put Lightning Rods On The Steeple.

Some Taxpayers Close Their Eyes, Some Stop Their Ears, Some Shut Their Mouths, But All Pay Through The Nose.

This May Be The Age Of Automation, But Love Is Still Being Made By Hand.

Bureaucracy Is More People Doing Less Things, And Taking More Time To Do Them Worse.

The Man Who Doctors Himself With The Aid Of Medical Books, Runs The Risk Of Dying Of A Typographical Error.

Worry Makes People Thin, Except When They Worry About Being Fat.

In A Democracy, You Believe It Or Not; In A Dictatorship, You Believe It Or Else.

A Bore Finds It Easy To Start Talking, And Even Easier To Get Others To Stop Listening.

Most New Books Are Forgotten Within A Year, Especially By Those Who Borrow Them.

An Instrument That Sometimes Expresses Thought, Sometimes Obscures Thought, But Most Often Replaces Thought.

A Corporation Has All The Powers And Privileges Of An Individual: All It Lacks Is A Conscience.

An Expert Is Someone Who Takes Something You Already Know And Makes It Sound Confusing.

You Can Tell A Man's Taste In Literature By His Judgment In Knowing What Not To Read.

Success Is The Good Fortune That Comes From Aspiration, Desperation, Perspiration,and Inspiration.

You Can't Judge The Ability Of A Doctor By The Amount Of Praise The Undertakers Give Him.

All Men Are Created Equal And Endowed By Their Creator With A Mighty Urge To Become Otherwise.

Public Speaking Is The Art Of Diluting A Two-minute Idea With A Two-hour Vocabulary.

If You Want To Be Different Nowadays, Just Act Normal.

Think Twice Before You Speak, And Then You May Be Able To Say Something More Insulting Than If You Spoke Right Out At Once.

Sometimes The Unexpected Happens When You Don't Expect A Person To Come Up To Expectations.

A Good Loser Is All Right, But It Isn't So Much Fun To Beat Him.

Eloquence Is The Art Of Saying As Little As Possible But Making It Sound As Much As Possible.

[statistics] Fiction In Its Most Uninteresting Form.

Compare What You Want With What You Have, And You'll Be Unhappy; Compare What You Deserve With What You Have, And You'll Be Happy.

The Only Thing More Certain Than The Hatred Of Enemies Is The Envy Of Friends.

Lecturers Should Remember That The Capacity Of The Mind To Absorb Is Limited To What The Seat Can Endure.

A Bureaucrat Is An Official Who Is Clothed With Power And Whom It Doesn't Fit.

Egocentricity: The Vanity That Makes You Wonder What People Are Thinking About You When They Are Really Wondering What You Are Thinking About Them.

Thinking About You

A Woman Is Always Ready To Describe Another Woman As Charming, But Only If The Other Woman Is Not Charming.

A Husband May Forget Where He Went On His Honeymoon, But He Never Forgets Why.

[statistics] The Science That Can Prove Everything Except The Usefulness Of Statistics.

Experience Is A Great Teacher, And Sometimes A Pretty Teacher Is A Great Experience.

The Best Way To Spoil A Good Story Is By Sticking To The Facts.

Man Is The Control Experiment Of Heredity And Environment; And Since His Heredity Controls Him, He Tries To Control His Environment.

The Survival Of The Fittest Is Going To Make Some Man Very Lonesome Some Day.

The Chief Ability Of An Executive Should Be His Ability To Recognize Ability.

All Men Are Born Equal, But Some Of Them Outgrow It.

The Quizzical Expression Of The Monkey At The Zoo Comes From His Wondering Whether He Is His Brother's Keeper, Or His Keeper's Brother.

Don't Be A Hog: The Only Time A Hog Helps The Community Is When He Dies.

Housework Is What A Woman Does That Nobody Notices Unless She Hasn't Done It.

Children Grow Out Of Childhood, But Parents Never Grow Out Of Parenthood.

Walking Isn't A Lost Art: One Must, By Some Means, Get To The Garage.

Don't Tear Your Hair Out Over A Woman; It'll Be Harder To Attract The Next One If You're Bald.

The Disadvantage Of Becoming Wise Is That You Realize How Foolish You've Been.

A Man Doesn't Have Vacation Problems: His Boss Tells Him When To Take Them, And His Wife Tells Him Where.

The Difference Between Two Men Is Usually A Woman.

A Word To The Wise Is -- Unnecessary.

The Girl With A Future Avoids A Man With A Past.

The Honeymoon Is The Only Period When A Woman Isn't Trying To Reform Her Husband.

A Man Is Known By The Company He Keeps, But A Woman Is Known By The Company She Keeps Waiting.

A Cynic Sees Little To Admire In The World, While The World Sees Even Less To Admire In Him.

Nowadays It's Not Who Wears The Pants In The Family, But Who Carries The Credit Cards.

Many A Man Works Himself To Death By Burying Himself In His Work.

Family: A Social Unit Where The Father Is Concerned With Parking Space, The Children With Outer Space, And The Mother With Closet Space.

Under Dictatorship, The People In Prison Are Always Superior To The People Who Put Them There.

The Modern Dance Is No Dance In The First Place, And When You've Finally Learned It, It's Not Modern Any More.

The Lecturer Who Is Full Of His Subject Is Usually Very Slow In Emptying Himself.

You Are Not Fully Dressed Until You Wear A Smile.

Beautiful Smile

It's Surprising How Much Wisdom Every Man Possesses -- If Not For His Own Affairs, Then For The Affairs Of Others.

Life Is A Battle Of Wits, And Many People Have To Fight It Unarmed.

After Paying For The Wedding, About The Only Thing A Father Has Left To Give Away Is The Bride.

You Can Always Tell The Golfer Who's Winning: He's The One Who Keeps Telling His Opponent That It's Only A Game.

Only One Man Has The Right To Boast, And That's The Man Who Never Does.

The Only Thing Worse Than Being On The Wrong Side Of An Argument Is To Be On The Right Side With No One Listening.

All Work And No Play Makes Jack A Dull Boy - And Jill A Wealthy Widow.

Some People Worry Because They Are In Debt; Others, Because They Can't Even Get In.

If It Required Some Effort To Go From Today To Tomorrow, Some People Would Always Remain In Yesterday.

The Diamond Is The Hardest Stone -- To Get.

Canada's Climate Is Nine Months Winter And Three Months Late In The Fall.

It Takes Far More Courage To Violate A Custom Than A Law.

Some People Blow Their Top, But All People Blow Their Bottom.

The Only Time A Lazy Man Ever Succeeds Is When He Tries To Do Nothing.

The State Of The Union Largely Depends On The State Of The Unions.

There's Nothing As Short As Short-term Debt.

Many An Actor Does The Stage More Ham Than Good.

A Wedding Is The Formality A Man Has To Go Through Before Going To Work For A New Boss.

Many A Wedding Takes Place When A Man Can't Afford To Go Steady With A Girl Any Longer.

The Reason Why Men Who Mind Their Own Business Succeed Is That They Have So Little Competition.

Consistency Is A Jewel, But Too Much Jewelry Is Vulgar.

Definition Of Statistics: The Science Of Producing Unreliable Facts From Reliable Figures.

Zoo: An Excellent Place To Study The Habits Of Human Beings.

Nothing Ages Your Car As Much As The Sight Of Your Neighbor's New One.

A Smart Mother Suggests That Her Child Bring An Apple To His Teacher; A Smarter Mother Suggests That He Bring A Couple Of Aspirins.

The Word Impossible Is Peculiar Because If You Examine It Closely, You'll Find That Most Of It Is Possible.

[a Mathematician Is A] Scientist Who Can Figure Out Anything Except Such Simple Things As Squaring The Circle And Trisecting An Angle.

A Lazy Man's Wife Is Generally The Power Behind The Drone.

Play: Work That You Enjoy Doing For Nothing.

The Computer Saves Man A Lot Of Guesswork, But So Does The Bikini.

The Most Popular Form Of Altruism Is Giving To Others The Advice You Cannot Use Yourself.

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