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There’s This Issue You’re Not Allowed To Discuss: That Women Are Needy. Men Can Go For Longer, More Happily, Without Women. That’s The Truth. We Don’t, As Little Boys, Play At Being Married - We Try To Avoid It For As Long As Possible. Meanwhile Women Are Out There Hunting For Husbands.

-Steven Moffat

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There’s This Issue You’re

Steven Moffat

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There’s This Issue You’re Not Allowed To Discuss: That Women Are Needy. Men Can Go For Longer, More Happily, Without Women. That’s The Truth. We Don’t, As Little Boys, Play At Being Married - We Try To Avoid It For As Long As Possible. Meanwhile Women Are Out There Hunting For Husbands.

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More From Steven Moffat

Between The Marriages, I Shagged My Way Round Television Studios Like A Mechanical Digger.

I Like Naked Women! I'm A Bloke! I'm Supposed To Like Them! We're Born Like That. We Like Naked Women As Soon As We're Pulled Out Of One... When Man Invented Fire, He Didn't Say "hey, Let's Cook!" He Said: "great! Now We Can See Naked Bottoms In The Dark!"... The Story Of Male Achievement Through The Ages, Feeble Though It May Have Been, Has Been The Story Of Our Struggle To Get A Better Look At Your Bottoms.

The Trouble With A Series As It Gets Older Is It Can Feel Like A Tradition, And Tradition Is The Enemy Of Suspense, And It's The Enemy Of Comedy. It's The Enemy Of Everything, Really. So You Have To Shake It Up.

Amy: I Never Knew You Drank Wine. Doctor: I'm 1103 I Must Have Drunk It Sometime In My Life. *takes Sip And Spits It Out In Disgust*

Witty And Mean Is Easy - But Fond And Funny Is Hard.

Peter Capaldi And Jenna Coleman Are Back In Cardiff, Back In The Box, And Back In Action - For One Of Our Scariest Adventures Yet!

Kathy Nightingale: What's Good About Sad? Sally Sparrow: It's Happy For Deep People.

Rose: Look At You, Beaming Away Like You're Father Christmas! The Doctor: Who Says I'm Not, Red-bicycle-when-you-were-twelve? Rose: [shocked] What? The Doctor: And Everybody Lives, Rose! Everybody Lives! I Need More Days Like This! Go On, Ask Me Anything; I'm On Fire!

It's The 50th Year Of Doctor Who And Look What's Going On! We're Up In The Sky And Under The Sea! We're Running Round The Rings Of An Alien World And Then A Haunted House. There's New Cybermen, New Ice Warriors And A Never Before Attempted Journey To The Centre Of The Tardis. And In The Finale, The Doctor's Greatest Secret Will At Last Be Revealed! If This Wasn't Already Our Most Exciting Year It Would Be Anyway!

Time Travel Is Always More Magical Somehow When You Go Into The Past. Traveling Into The Future Is Something You Do, Every Day. You're Just Not Going To Get Very Far. So, I Rather Like The Past Travel.

My Priorities Are Where They Should Be, Which Is Making Really Great, Really Exciting Television.

Every Episode [in A Tv Series] Is A Challenge, And What's Challenging In Most Episodes Is The Monster. You're Always A Heartbeat From The Monster Looking Ridiculous. You Really Have To Work So Hard To Make Them Not Look Like Ridiculous When They Turn Up On The Set.

You Want Weapons? We're In A Library! Books! The Best Weapons In The World!

Never Run When You're Scared. Rule 7.

Everybody Knows That Everybody Dies. But Not Every Day. Not Today. Some Days Are Special. Some Days Are So, So Blessed. Some Days, Nobody Dies At All. Now And Then, Every Once In A Very Long While, Every Day In A Million Days, When The Wind Stands Fair And The Doctor Comes To Call, Everybody Lives.

Sherlock Holmes Can Be Wise And Funny. He Wasn't, At The Beginning. But Later On, He's Got A Bantering Relationship With Loads Of People. He's Got A Wisdom That He Didn't Have In The Early Stage. But He Stays On The Mountain Top, And He Will Die Up There. He's Not Going To Change That.

My Problem Is That The Audience Is More Fiction-literate Than Ever. In Shakespeare's Day, You Probably Expected To See A Play Once Or Twice In Your Life; Today You Experience Four Or Five Different Kinds Of Fiction Every Day. So Staying Ahead Of The Audience Is Impossible.

We Have A Plan To Top It. And I Do Think Our Plan Is Devastating. We’ve Practically Reduced Our Cast To Tears Telling Them The Plan … We’re Probably More Excited That We’ve Ever Been About Sherlock.

The Doctor: [aiming Gun At The Ceiling] Didn't Anyone Ever Tell You? There's One Thing You Never Put In A Trap If You're Smart. If You Value Your Continued Existence, If You Have Any Plans About Seeing Tomorrow, There's One Thing You Never, Ever Put In A Trap. Angel Bob: And What Would That Be, Sir? The Doctor: Me. [fires]

It's A Fez. I Wear A Fez Now. Fezes Are Cool.

When You're Surrounded By Friends And Exes, There's A Whole Lot Of Stuff That Starts Crawling Out. But However Serious And Traumatic Those Experiences May Be To The Participant, To The Onlooker They're Hilarious.

An Awful Lot Of Storytelling Isn't Really About Making People Understand - It's About Making People Care.

I Think Of Myself As A Writer With A Sense Of Humour Rather Than A Comedy Writer. Happy To Tell A Story With Lots Of Jokes In It - I Wouldn't Know How To Do Jokes Without The Story.

I Never Go Online. The Internet Stuff Is Bonkers. You Must Not Look At It.

I Find It's Bizarre That Science Fiction Is The One Branch Of Television To Push The Idea Of Strong Female Characters. And I Only Call It Bizarre Because Strong Women Aren't Fiction.

You Could Only Draw Conclusions About My Personal Sexual Politics If You Proceed From The Assumption That I Was Presenting The Characters As The Way It Is And The Way It Ought To Be. But Both Are Clearly Defined As Deranged – It’s Love Among The Mad. He’s A Psycopath, So Is She. She’s Prepared To Throw Him To The Dogs Until He Works Out The Code, He’s Prepared To Let Her Nearly Get Executed. They’re Not Really Going To Buy A House And A Volvo Together. I’m Not Saying This Is How People Should Date!

If It’s Time To Go, Remember What You’re Leaving. Remember The Best.

It's A Tv Show. Only The Emotional Damage Is Real.

Like Most Writers, I Write About What Has Happened To Me As That Involves The Minimum Amount Of Research.

Don't Play Games With Me! You Just Killed Someone I Like, That Is Not A Safe Place To Stand! I'm The Doctor, And You're In The Biggest Library In The Universe. Look Me Up.

I Can't See What's Wrong About Assuming Intelligence In Your Audience And What's Bad News About Being Rewarded For Assuming That.

Brainy's The New Sexy.

I Don't Know. I Can't Tell The Future I Just Work There.

Young Reinette: Monsieur, Be Careful! The Doctor: It's Just A Nightmare, Reinette, Don't Worry, Everyone Has Nightmares. Even Monsters Under The Bed Have Nightmares! Young Reinette: What Do Monsters Have Nightmares About? The Doctor: Me!

The Doctor: This Is Bad, I Don't Like This. [kicks Console And Yells In Pain] Never Use Force, You Just Embarrass Yourself. Unless You're Cross, In Which Case... Always Use Force! Amy: Shall I Run And Get The Manual? The Doctor: I Threw It In A Supernova. Amy: You Threw The Manual In A Supernova? Why? The Doctor: Because I Disagreed With It! Now Stop Talking To Me When I'm Cross!

Sherlock Holmes Becomes More Human And More Adept At Fitting In With A Lot Of People, But He Remains Separate From The Human Race Because He Finds That A Better Place To Observe That From. He Stays On The Mountain Top Because There, He Can See Clearly.

The Doctor...is Embarrassingly Human For An Alien.

Hitler: Thank You, Whoever You Are. I Think You Just Saved My Life. The Doctor: Believe Me... It Was An Accident.

All Lives End. All Hearts Are Broken. Caring Is Not An Advantage.

I Can Say With Pride Verging On Smugness That I've Got Two Very Successful Shows That Assume Their Audience Is Very Smart.

Amy: "can I Come?" Doctor: "not Safe In Here, Not Yet. Five Minutes. Give Me Five Minutes And I'll Be Right Back." Amy: "people Always Say That." Doctor: "am I People?...do I Even Look Like People?...trust Me, I'm The Doctor.

When Man Invented Fire, He Didn't Say, "hey, Let's Cook." He Said, "great, Now We Can See Naked Bottoms In The Dark.

Cinema Is So Slow And Boring Compared To Television.

What Is Immutable About Sherlock Holmes? He Favors Reason Over Emotion, But Actually Underneath That, There Is A Lot Of Emotion Going On. You Can't Suddenly Make Him Ordinary Because He Would Hate That. He's Not Suddenly Going To Be Somebody Else.

You Have To Take Your Own Bold Approach, And If You Do You Will Be Rewarded With Success. Or Calamitous Failure. That Can Happen Too.

Madge: I Don't Know Why I Keep Shouting At Them. The Doctor: Because Every Time You See Them Happy You Remember How Sad They're Going To Be. And It Breaks Your Heart. Because What's The Point In Them Being Happy Now If They're Going To Be Sad Later. The Answer Is, Of Course, Because They Are Going To Be Sad Later. ~ The Doctor, The Widow, And The Wardrobe

The Doctor: It's My Nose; It Has Special Powers. Nancy: Yeah? That Why It's So...? The Doctor: What? Nancy: Nothing. The Doctor: What? Nancy: Nothing. Do Your Ears Have Special Powers Too?

You Can Be As Beautiful And Charming As You'd Like, But If You're Not Terrific At Acting, It Will Mean Nothing On The Screen.

We're Thrilled To Have Maisie Williams Joining Us On Doctor Who. It's Not Possible To Say Too Much About Who Or What She's Playing, But She Is Going To Challenge The Doctor In Very Unexpected Ways. This Time He Might Just Be Out Of His Depth, And We Know Maisie Is Going To Give Him Exactly The Right Sort Of Hell.

Sarah Jane Smith Was Everybody's Hero When I Was Younger, And As Brave And Funny And Brilliant As People Only Ever Are In Stories. But Many Years Later, When I Met The Real Sarah Jane - Lis Sladen Herself - She Was Exactly As Any Child Ever Have Wanted Her To Be. Kind And Gentle And Clever; And A Ferociously Talented Actress, Of Course, But In That Perfectly English Unassuming Way.

River Song? Amy Pond? Hardly Weak Women. It's The Exact Opposite. You Could Accuse Me Of Having A Fetish For Powerful, Sexy Women Who Like Cheating People. That Would Be Fair.

There’s This Issue You’re Not Allowed To Discuss: That Women Are Needy. Men Can Go For Longer, More Happily, Without Women. That’s The Truth. We Don’t, As Little Boys, Play At Being Married - We Try To Avoid It For As Long As Possible. Meanwhile Women Are Out There Hunting For Husbands.

Demons Run When A Good Man Goes To War. Night Will Fall And Drown The Sun When A Good Man Goes To War. Friendship Dies And True Love Lies. Night Will Fall And The Dark Will Rise When A Good Man Goes To War. Demons Run But Count The Cost; The Battle's Won But The Child Is Lost.

I Don't Want To Think That The Stories Are Finite; I Want To Feel That They Can Go On Forever.

Think You've Seen It All? Think Again. Outside Those Doors, We Might See Anything. We Could Find New Worlds, Terrifying Monsters, Impossible Things. And If You Come With Me... Nothing Will Ever Be The Same Again!

Impossible Things

Being The Only Writer On A Successful Show Is Very Rewarding.

The Doctor: Oh, Now What's This, Then? I Love This. A Big, Flashy-lighty Thing. That's What Brought Me Here. Big, Flashy-lighty Things Have Got Me Written All Over Them. Not Actually, But Give Me Time... And A Crayon.

When Writing Comedy, You Have To Have The Confidence To Believe That There Is Only One Type Of Relationship In The World, And We Are All Having It, That All Men Behave In The Same Way And So Do All Women.

I Hope I Won't Become Hated By Geeks Everywhere, But I Don't Really Know Comic Books All That Well.

You Should Always Waste Time When You Don't Have Any. Time Is Not The Boss Of You. Rule 408.

Though The Man Above Might Say Hello, Expect No Love From The Beast Below

Writing For Adults Often Means Just Increasing The Swearing - But Find An Alternative To Swearing And You've Probably Got A Better Line.

The Universe Is Big, Its Vast And Complicated, And Ridiculous. And Sometimes, Very Rarely, Impossible Things Just Happen And We Call Them Miracles. And That's The Theory. Nine Hundred Years, Never Seen One Yet, But This Would Do Me.

Impossible Things

Do You Know How You Make Someone Into A Dalek? Subtract Love, Add Anger.

[the Doctor, Capt. Jack And Rose Are Cornered By The Empty Children.] The Doctor: Go To Your Room! Go To Your Room! I Mean It. I'm Very, Very Angry With You. I'm Very, Very Cross! Go! To! Your! Room! [the Children Lurch Away And Obey Him.] I'm Really Glad That Worked. Those Would Have Been Terrible Last Words.

There's Something That Doesn't Make Sense. Let's Go And Poke It With A Stick.

The Story Of Sherlock Holmes, On The Surface, Is About Detection, But In Reality, It's About The Best Of Two Men Who Save Each Other - A Lost, Washed-up War Hero And A Man Who Could End Up Committing Murders Instead Of Solving Them. They Come Together. They Become This Perfect Unit. They Become The Best Friendship Ever, And They Become Heroes. That's What We Fall In Love With, Not Sherlock On His Own. No One Can Love That Man On His Own, But Sherlock Holmes And Dr. Watson - The Best Friends Ever.

Falling In Love

Reinette: One May Tolerate A World Of Demons For The Sake Of An Angel.

The Doctor: Don't Blink. Don't Even Blink. Blink And You're Dead. Don't Turn Your Back. Don't Look Away. And Don't Blink.

I Like That Helen Mirren Has Been Saying The Next Doctor Should Be A Woman. I Would Like To Go On Record And Say That The Queen Should Be Played By A Man!

I Know This Is Going To Sound Very Self-serving, And I Apologize For It, But If You Can Write Comedy, You Can Pretty Much Write Anything, Because It's The Hardest. It's The Most Technically Demanding, The Most Precisely Evaluated Form Of Writing. People Know If It Works Or Not. There's A Big Button Marked 'fail,' And That's When Nobody Laughs.

Fascinatingly Confident, Rude People Are Great.

Amy: I Had Something I Wanted To Tell Him. Stuff Always Gets In The Way. Canton: Stuff Does That.

I Wouldn't Mind Removing All The Mistakes I Have Made. That Would Be Exhausting And Take Forever. Honestly, It's One Of The Spells Of My Life That Has Been The Most Perfect. Not Because I Did The Job Perfectly, Because Of Course I Did It Very Imperfectly, But Because I Enjoyed It So Much. What Would I Change? I Complain A Lot. I Whinge, I More Or Less Communicate In Levels Of Complaint So I Wish Sometimes I Didn't Just Spend All My Time Saying, 'i'm Working So Hard, What Do I Get In Return For This?'.

It's A Funny Thing About Stories. It Doesn't Feel Like You Make Them Up, More Like You Find Them. You Type And Type And You Know You Haven't Got It Yet, Because Somewhere Out There, There's That Perfect Thing -- The Unexpected Ending That Was Always Going To Happen. That Place You've Always Been Heading For, But Never Expected To Go.

As We All Know, It Is The Proper Duty Of Every British Subject To Come To The Aid Of The Tardis.

To Me, A 'brand' Sounds Evil.

I Write The Kind Of Stuff I'd Like To Watch.

I Was Called A Misogynist Because I Was Reducing Women To Mothers. 'reducing Women To Mothers' – Now There Is Possibly The Most Anti-women Statement I've Heard.

Never Ignore A Coincidence. Unless You're Busy, In Which Case, Always Ignore A Coincidence.

The Doctor: Just Had A Fall. All The Way Down There, Right To The Library. Heck Of A Climb Back Up. Amelia: You're Soaking Wet. The Doctor: I Was In The Swimming Pool. Amelia: You Said You Were In The Library. The Doctor: So Was The Swimming Pool.

Well, The World Is Vastly Counted In Favour Of Men At Every Level - Except If You Live In A Civilised Country And You’re Sort Of Educated And Middle-class, Because Then You’re Almost Certainly Junior In Your Relationship And In A State Of Permanent, Crippled Apology. Your Preferences Are Routinely Mocked. There’s A Huge, Unfortunate Lack Of Respect For Anything Male.

I Always Rip Out The Last Page Of A Book. Then It Doesn't Have To End. I Hate Endings!

People Don't Really Have A Relationship With Great Writing Or Great Production Or Great Art Direction Or Great Direction. They Just Sort Of Admire It.

You'll Go Out Of Business If You Think People Are Stupid.

I Don't Think, Generally Speaking, People Become Writers Because They Were The Really Good, Really Cool, Attractive Kid In Class. I'll Be Honest. This Is Our Revenge For People Who Were Much Better Looking And More Popular Than Us. I Was A Bit Like That, I Suppose.

The Way You Get Your Script To The Right People Is That You Put It In An Envelope. It's Easy. The Difficult Bit Is Writing Something That Is So Good People Will Take A Punt On A Brand New Writer.

Twins Are Under-represented In The Media. Hamlet - Never Twins. Hamlet Twins Of Denmark. King And Queen Lear. It Would Work. Come On, More Twins On Television.

If Anyone Said To Me 'invent A New Monster So We Can Sell More Toys', I'd Kick Them Out Of My Office.

You Know When Sometimes You Meet Someone So Beautiful — And Then You Actually Talk With Them, And Five Minutes Later They're As Dull As A Brick. But Then There's Other People, And You Meet Them And You Think: "not Bad, They're Okay," And Then You Get To Know Them, And Their Face Sort Of Becomes Them, Like Their Personality's Written All Over It; And They Just — And They Turn Into Something So Beautiful.

I Stole Your Childhood And Now I’ve Led You By The Hand To Your Death. But The Worst Thing Is, I Knew. I Knew This Would Happen. This Is What Always Happens. Forget Your Faith In Me. I Took You With Me Because I Was Vain. Because I Wanted To Be Adored. Look At You. Glorious Pond, The Girl Who Waited For Me. I’m Not A Hero. I Really Am Just A Mad Man In A Box. And It’s Time We Saw Each Other As We Really Are. Amy Williams, It’s Time To Stop Waiting.

You Don’t Just Give Up. You Don’t Just Let Things Happen. You Make A Stand! You Say No! You Have The Guts To Do What’s Right, Even When Everyone Else Just Runs Away.

Rose: 'if You Are An Alien, How Come You Sound Like You're From The North?' Doctor: 'lots Of Planets Have A North!

Peter Capaldi, Will Always Be Doctor Who. You Retain The Title Forever. Ask Your Predecessors, They All Think They're The Real One. I've Had Sunday Lunch With Peter Davidson And David Tennant And They're Eyeing Each Other Like, 'it's Me!

Amy Pond: 'i Thought... Well, I Started To Think You Were Just A Madman With A Box.' The Doctor: 'amy Pond, There's Something You Better Understand About Me, 'cause It's Important And One Day Your Life May Depend On It. [he Smiles] I Am Definitely A Madman With A Box.

The Doctor: Doctor Song, You've Got That Face On Again. River: What Face? The Doctor: The "he's Hot When He's Clever" Face. River: This Is My Normal Face. The Doctor: Yes It Is. River: Oh, Shut Up. The Doctor: Not A Chance.

There's One Thing You Don't Put In A Trap, If You're Smart, If You Value Your Continued Existance, If You Have Any Plans About Seeing Tomorrow, There Is One Thing You Never Ever Put In A Trap. And What Would That Be Sir? Me

Come On, Rory! It Isn't Rocket Science, It's Just Quantum Physics! -the Doctor (matt Smith)

Demons Run When A Good Man Goes To War.

Madame Kovarian: The Anger Of A Good Man Is Not A Problem. Good Men Have Too Many Rules. The Doctor: Good Men Don't Need Rules. Today Is Not The Day To Find Out Why I Have So Many.

Nothing Can Ever Be A Rule In Drama, Because Then You're Saying Certain Things Won't Ever Happen, And That Would Be Very Boring.

Rule 1: The Doctor Lies.

You Don't Want To Take Over The Universe. You Wouldn't Know What To Do With It Beyond Shout At It.

Keep This Straight In Your Head: We Are Not Fighting An Alien Invasion - We're Leading A Revolution. And Today The Battle Begins.

I'll Be A Story In Your Head. That's Okay. We're All Stories In The End. Just Make It A Good One, Eh? 'cause It Was, You Know. It Was The Best. The Daft Old Man Who Stole A Magic Box And Ran Away. Did I Ever Tell You That I Stole It? Well I Borrowed It. I Was Always Going To Take It Back.

It’s Been A Long Time Since Sherlock Holmes Jumped Off That Roof - It’s Time To Reveal The Truth About What Happened Between Him And The Pavement.

I'd Forgotten Not All Victories Are About Saving The Universe.

There's Something Really Cool About Scaring Children. Traumatize A Generation, That's What It's All About.

If You Don't Expect To Like Someone And Then You Do, That's An Incredibly Exciting Moment.

The Doctor: I've Seen Bigger. Clara: Really? The Doctor: Are You Joking? It's Massive!

Madness Is Just What A Genius Looks Like To A Tiny Mind.

What's The Point Of Being A Grown-up If You Don't Get To Be Immature?

If You Take Most Men Aside When Their Wives Are Pregnant, Most Men Are Pretty Frightened And Worried And Faintly Disgusted By The Whole Experience.

We're All Stories, In The End.

I Always Tend To Favor The Newer Idea.

Always Take A Banana To A Party.

Well We've Moved Through The Funfair A Bit – We've Done The Rollercoaster, Now We're On The Ghost Train.

So Is This How It Works Doctor? You Never Interfere With The Affairs Of Other Peoples Or Planets, Unless There Are Children Crying?

I Think Training In Comedy, As It Were, A History Writing Comedy, Is A Powerful Tool For Anyone.

Have You Met The French? My...god They Know How To Party!

River Song: Right, I Have Questions. But Number One Is This: What In The Name Of Sanity Have You Got On Your Head? The Doctor: It's A Fez. I Wear A Fez Now. Fezzes Are Cool.

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