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The Winner Gives Up His Chance To Be A Good Sport.

-Mason Cooley

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The Winner Gives Up

Mason Cooley

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The Winner Gives Up His Chance To Be A Good Sport.

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I Am Kept In Bondage By The Moles Of My Beloved.

The Hysterical Find Too Much Significance In Things. The Depressed Find Too Little.

As A Child I Was Middle-aged And Cautious Compared To My Impulsive Father.

Shameless: Punish Me For My Desire If You Will. It Burns Still.

Of Course I Want To Be Good, But That May Not Be To Your Advantage.

Every Parent Can Imagine The Joys Of Child Abuse.

Rhyme And Meter Force Gaps In Meaning So The Muse Can Enter.

Loneliness Is More Likely To Lead To Fussy Housekeeping Than To Grand Views Of The Universe.

In An Aphorism, Aptness Counts For More Than Truth.

Every Few Years Something New Breaks Into The Circle Of My Thoughts.

Perhaps Fortunately, No One Has Ever Found Out What It Would Be Like To Have All His Wishes Fulfilled.

Some Marriages Depend On Domestic Arguments The Way The Courts Depend On Litigation.

Scholars Dream Of Finding Small Facts Pregnant With Great Progeny.

Few Artists Can Afford Artistic Temperament.

The Passion For Money Is Never Fickle.

The Wisdom Of Age: Don't Stop Walking.

Mind And Body Obstruct One Another's Pleasures.

You Know You're In Love When You Stop Comparing.

Babies And The Old Are Permitted Self-absorption. In Between, It Provokes Resentment.

The Critic Roams Through Culture, Looking For Prey.

Whatever Is Spoken Of Acquires A Certain Existence.

Robert Frost: Plain, Strong, Simple, And Mean.

Austerity Causes Constipation; Excess, Diarrhea.

Universal Truths Have Become An Embarrassment, But They Won't Quite Go Away.

City People Make Most Of The Fuss About The Charms Of Country Life.

If Your Nose Is Up In The Air, You Cannot See Where You Are Going.

The Rich Are Never As Possessed By Their Riches As The Poor Are By Their Poverty.

The Lion Cares Less About Being King Of The Beasts Than About Finding His Dinner.

All History And Art Are Against Us, But We Still Expect Happiness In Love.

History And Art

If We Think About The Obvious Long Enough, It Dissolves.

My Intentions Go One Way, My Desires Another. Thus I Feel Both Self-indulgent And Deprived.

Genius Knows Where The Questions Are Hidden.

Pity Drowns In Numbers.

Wit Saves Us From Being Swallowed Whole By Life.

Living Alone Makes It Harder To Find Someone To Blame.

Faith No Doubt Moves Mountains, But Not Necessarily To Where We Want Them.

Staid Middle Age Loves The Hurricane Passions Of Opera.

Health Foods Make Promises That Only The Second Coming Could Fulfill.

The Passions Are The Same In Every Conflict, Large Or Small.

I Have Learned To Keep To Myself How Exceptional I Am.

Existence Is Not A Mystery Unless You Think It Has A Meaning.

Writers Mean More Than They Say And Say More Than They Mean.

If I Can't Serve As A Role Model, Let Me Serve As A Warning.

The Truth Usually Has A Slightly Ugly Look.

Malice Is Always Authentic And Sincere.

The Pleasantest Part Of Work Is Having Done It.

Some Loves Are Like A Vice That Has Ceased To Give Pleasure.

I Read Less And Less. I Have Not Forgiven Books For Their Failure To Tell Me The Truth And Make Me Happy.

Self-reform Is The Only Kind That Works.

Alone, I Am Drunk On My Thoughts; In Company, I Am Sober Again.

My Secrets Are Petty But Humiliating.

Original Sin Reassures Us That Our Slip Was Not The First.

A Sentimental Aphorism Is Even More A Surprise Than A Hard- Boiled Sonnet.

I Did Not Know I Was In My Prime Until Afterwards.

Once I Find The Right Maxim To Apply, I Feel That I Have Done All That Can Be Expected Of Me.

Alcohol Postpones Anxiety, Then Multiplies It.

I Am Invigorated By Work, Wasted By Pleasure.

The Parade Was Here, But It Disappeared Around A Corner.

As Desire Recedes, The World Becomes Clear, Pale, And Empty.

We Sometimes Find Truth, But More Often It Finds Us.

With Every Physical Pain, My Moral Fibre Unravels A Little.

Sentimentality Is The Respect The Cold-hearted Pay To Feeling.

Sex Is Not Imaginary, But It Is Not Quite Real Either.

Music Dissolves The Straight And Narrow.

Kafka: Cries Of Helplessness In Twenty Powerful Volumes.

Flattery And Insults Raise The Same Question: What Do You Want?

Human Society Sustains Itself By Transforming Nature Into Garbage.

Full Of Troubles, The Mind Is Still The Only Garden Of Delight.

To Appear Well Dressed, Be Skinny And Tall.

The Trouble With The Young People Today Is That It Is They Who Are Young.

The Nudes Of Art Are Not So Distant From Pornography As Prudish Pedants Pretend.

Every Perversion Has Survived Many Tests Of Its Capabilities.

Mortality: Not Acquittal But A Series Of Postponements Is What We Hope For.

The Powerless Worship Luck And Fate.

No Need To Be Sentimental To Mourn The Loss Of Paradise.

Opportunity Knocks, But Doesn't Always Answer To Its Name.

Rule Of Science: Only Exclude Purpose, And Nature Will Reveal Her Causes.

When Science Drove The Gods Out Of Nature, They Took Refuge In Poetry And The Porticos Of Civic Buildings.

Worrying Is As Futile As Boredom, But Harder Work.

The Squabbles Of Philandering Zeus And Shrewish Hera Are The Greeks' Comment On Married Life.

The Educated Do Not Share A Common Body Of Information, But A Common State Of Mind.

I Seldom Remember My Father, But I Sneeze And Rub My Nose The Way He Did. I Also Love My Son With Grief And Anger, As He Did.

The Critical Spirit Never Knows When To Stop Meddling.

Critical Spirit

The Modernist Writers Found Despair Inspirational.

Romance Is Tempestuous. Love Is Calm.

I Can Imagine Many Things, But Few Clearly.

Unconditional Love Is A Lofty Ideal, But Unconditional Hate Is A Fact Well Documented By History.

There Are Different Rules For Reading, For Thinking, And For Talking. Writing Blends All Three Of Them.

Lust And Greed Are More Gullible Than Innocence.

Power Makes Gods. Virtue Makes Martyrs.

Our Most Important Decisions Are Made While We Are Thinking About Something Else.

Nothing Goes Sour More Easily Than The Life Of Pleasure.

The Time I Kill Is Killing Me.

Time Management

Duty Is Whatever Opposes Inclination.

Electricity, Water, Gas, And Steam Course Through The Walls Of My Building, Keeping It Alive.

I Would Like To Be A Figment Of My Own Imagination, But Belly And Bowels Will Not Permit.

Only The Most Lucid Can See Their Love As Comedy.

Wisdom Knows When To Return Death's Embrace.

As A Child I Was Told By My Parents That I Was Happy, But I Did Not Believe Them.

Indifference Creates An Artificial Peace.

Many Have Never Felt Strong, But Everyone Knows What It Is To Feel Weak.

Even The Most Fickle Are Faithful To A Few Bad Habits.

I Put Second Things First, And Then Worry About First Things.

Carnal Knowledge Is As Forgettable As The Other Kinds.

Carnal Knowledge

Style Disdains Comfort And Is Always Ready To Sacrifice Virtue.

The Supposed Unhappiness Of The Rich Is Always A Cheerful Topic Of Conversation.

As A Comforter, Philosophy Cannot Compete With A Good Dinner.

Sensuality Takes Planning And Work.

I Wish You Joy Of Your Unhappiness, Since You Cling To It So.

Sometimes The Only Way To Become Grounded Is To Hit Bottom.

Like An Electric Tea-kettle, Pornography Comes To A Boil Very Fast.

One Eventually Has Enough Even Of Oneself.

Methodology Gives Those With No Ideas Something To Do.

The Olympian Gods Cannot Have Grand Passions Because They Cannot Die.

After Voltaire: Envy Is Chained To The Portico Of The Temple Of Glory And Can Neither Enter Nor Leave.

A Well-paid Occupation Is Seldom Spoken Of As "rewarding.

Violence Stops Thought. Hence Its Popularity As A Pain-killer.

I Have A Special Grudge Against Those Who Have The Same Faults As I Do.

I Keep Eating For Fear I Will Be Hungry.

Nostalgia Keeps Dissolving The Ironic Narratives In Which I Have Contained My Past.

The Grandeur Of A Philosophy Does Not Certify Its Truth.

Undecidability Is A Useful Category Even In Dealing With Restaurant Menus.

Sometimes The Given Seems Like Something Taken Away.

Every Path To A New Understanding Begins In Confusion.

In Every Death, A Busy World Comes To An End.

Many Have Attempted Unnatural Acts, But Nature Has Always Shown The Way.

Addicts Turn Their Pleasures Into Vengeful Gods.

Don Juan Tries Not To See The Skeptical Winks That Greet His Boasting.

The Question You're Not Supposed To Ask Is The Important One.

The Best Hand Always Believes In Playing By The Rules.

Orgies Are An Early Form Of What Will Someday Become Sex By Committee.

The Chair As Ideas Fits Only The Bottom As Idea.

Plato's Symposium Shows That Flirtation And Philosophy Can Further One Another.

Belief Forages, Moving From Pasture To Pasture.

Many Count On Their Disadvantages To Cover For Them.

Malevolence Is Shameful But Satisfying.

I Am Only Interested In Money Because Everyone Else Is.

Humor Does Not Rescue Us From Unhappiness, But Enables Us To Move Back From It A Little.

Sorrow Also Fulfills Desire. Example: The Soaps.

An Event Is Not Over Until Everyone Is Tired Of Talking About It.

Was There A Little Time Between The Invention Of Language And The Coming Of True And False?

When Poets Go Off The Boil, They Sound Like Bumble Bees; When Critics Do, They Sound Like Sewing Machines.

The Imaginary Audience For My Life Is Growing Small And Silent.

Our Public Monuments Are Memorials To The Enlightenment.

Consciousness Is Our Only Reprieve From Time.

With Age, Comfort Becomes More Seductive Than Beauty.

Faith Of The Bore: Everything Is Worth Saying.

Mistakes Are The Only Universal Form Of Originality.

In Middle Age, Going Naked Contributes Little To Public Enjoyment.

Anxiety And Lust Are Evicting The Older Passions.

Sometimes I Dread Loneliness More Than Bores. Other Times, The Reverse.

Avid Readers Are Enchanted By Meaning, Which Is Available Chiefly In Books.

To Avoid Eye Contact, Kiss.

If You Do Not Throw In A Few Promises Of Better Things To Come, Gloomy One, I Am Going To Take You Back To The Library.

Never Ask A Bore A Question.

I Trust You Because I Need You.

The Aphorism Offers A Momentary Sense Of Mastery Over Some Confusion Or Unhappiness.

The World Needs An Enema.

The Villain May Be Good Looking, But His Smile Is Never Quite Right.

Reclusive? The Inner City Will Secure Your Privacy Better Than Any Desert Cave.

Unlike Art And Sex, Money Always Arouses Interest.

The Young Have Stolen Our Youthfulness, And Flaunt It Without Shame.

The More Knowledge, The Clearer What The Doubts Are.

To Be A Social Success, Do Not Act Pathetic, Arrogant, Or Bored. Do Not Discuss Your Unhappy Childhood, Your Visit To The Dentist,the Shortcomings Of Your Cleaning Woman, The State Of Your Bowels, Or Your Spouse's Bad Habits. You Will Be Thought A Paragon (or Perhaps A Monster) Of Good Behavior.

Unhappy Childhood

A Goldfish Is Reason Enough For Living, If Someone Needs A Reason.

Like Love, Destruction Can Be Ecstatic.

Reading More Than Life Teaches Us To Recognize Ethos And Pathos.

My Mind Is Led Astray By Every Faint Rustle.

People Are Not The Way They Are Primarily In Order To Annoy Me.

Matter-of-fact Descriptions Make The Improbable Seem Real.

The Sheen Of Ocean Gleams On The Blue Fish-plate.

Many Try To Force The Past To Change.

The Aphorism Sometimes Casts Off Cynicism And Expresses Strong Feeling.

Procrastination Makes Easy Things Hard, Hard Things Harder.

Procrastination

Memory Is Imagination Pinned Down.

Keep Your Lies Short And Simple.

Hope And Despair Ignore One Another's Cries.

I Would Enjoy Experiencing The Hollowness Of Success At First- Hand.

Nature Knows No Difference Between Weeds And Flowers.

Always Late: Thus I Make You The Prisoner Of My Freedom.

Cynicism Formulates Issues Clearly, But Only To Dismiss Them.

By Multiplying Ironies, I Evade Commitments.

Good Books Do Not Make People Wiser Or Happier--only More Conscious.

Radical Historians Now The Tell The Story Of Thanksgiving From The Point Of View Of The Turkey.

I Do Not Remember Joy Or Sorrow In Childhood, But Listening For Clues.

To Love A Fool Is A Misfortune, But Does Not Make One A Fool.

Indifference Is An Excellent Substitute For Patience.

Vulgarity Is Innocent; Urbanity Is Not.

Moo May Represent An Idea, But Only The Cow Knows.

Even A Cow Creates Ambiguous Signifiers. The Moo Of Mystery.

What's The Good Of Being Stoical If Nobody Notices?

Explanations Comfort Us By Giving The Impression That There Is An Order In Things.

Maxims Are Sharp-edged Half-truths.

Go Ahead And Voice Your Criticisms, But Don't Expect To Be Invited Back.

Nudity Is The Costume Of Lovers And Corpses.

Talk About Yourself As Much As You Like, But Do Not Expect Others To Listen.

Outside Books, We Avoid Colorful Characters.

Scholarship Can Find Little To Say About The Obvious.

The Banker Rubs His Nose, Thinking Of His Cat Stalking Something On The Lawn.

Art Can Make Chaos Seductive.

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