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Go Ahead And Voice Your Criticisms, But Don't Expect To Be Invited Back.

-Mason Cooley

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Go Ahead And Voice

Mason Cooley

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Go Ahead And Voice Your Criticisms, But Don't Expect To Be Invited Back.

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Mistakes Are The Only Universal Form Of Originality.

Beware Of Wallflowers. They Expect To Have Everything Done For Them.

Procrastination Makes Easy Things Hard, Hard Things Harder.

Procrastination

I Am Interested In A Hundred Things, But Only Slightly.

Complaining Is The Favorite Pastime Of Millions.

If I Want My Time Wasted, I'll Waste It Myself.

I Am Too Impatient To Wait For Temptation To Come To Me.

The Writer Considers Sayability Before Anything Else.

My Mentors Grow Old And Foolish. I Am Afraid.

To A Suicide: You Just Poisoned The Wrong Person.

Boredom Is The Only Sure Cure For Neurosis.

Commerce Is Greedy. Ideology Is Blood-thirsty.

Cats Are Inquisitive, But Hate To Admit It.

Looking Backward At What Has Been Lost, I Feel Sad, Then Indifferent, And At Last Relieved.

For Many, Immaturity Is An Ideal, Not A Defect.

Other People's Beliefs May Be Myths, But Not Mine.

Three People Marooned On A Desert Island Would Soon Reinvent Politics.

Flattery Has To Overcome My Mistrust, And It Does.

If Success Is A Habit, It Is A Hard One To Acquire.

Congratulations

Every Good Time That Goes On Too Long Turns Into A Hell.

To Confer Dignity, Forgive. To Express Contempt, Forget.

We Often Disguise Our Reflexes As Deliberate Actions.

To Understand A Literary Style, Consider What It Omits.

First Literature Came To Refer Only To Itself, The Literary Theory.

Literary Theory

To Be Successful Be Ahead Of Your Time, But Only A Little.

Eccentricity Is Originality That Leads Nowhere.

The Grandeur Of A Philosophy Does Not Certify Its Truth.

Only Those In Comfortable Circumstances Think Love Is The Most Important Thing.

The Right Time To Die Is Never Exactly Now.

Position Yourself Well Enough, And Circumstances Will Do The Rest.

Imprudence Gets Us Into More Trouble Than Actual Misdeeds Do.

Diplomats Lie With A Heavy Sense Of Destiny.

Self-congratulation Pleases Only The Speaker.

Congratulations

The Desire To Create Literature Leads To Frights, Grunts, And Coy Looks.

The Time I Kill Is Killing Me.

Time Management

Children Enjoy Inflicting Pain Until Unhappiness Teaches Them Tenderness.

Adversity Can Strengthen Us If It Does Not Go On Too Long.

Faith Prefers The Absurd To The Plausible.

The Muses Inspire Art And Pretend Not To Notice When Mammon Buys It.

One Eventually Has Enough Even Of Oneself.

I Read Less And Less. I Have Not Forgiven Books For Their Failure To Tell Me The Truth And Make Me Happy.

The Familiar Changes As We Cling To It.

Vice Is A Dreary Business. And Virtue Is Not A Lot Of Fun, Either.

Aphorisms May Equivocate, But They Must Not Wobble.

Imagination Has Rules, But We Can Only Guess What They Are.

I Am Plain-speaking Out Of Both Sides Of My Mouth.

Paradox Implies That Stating A Contradiction Disposes Of It.

Yearning Wants Mostly To Perpetuate Itself.

The Villain May Be Good Looking, But His Smile Is Never Quite Right.

Timidity Keeps Me Safe And Sad In A Narrow Room.

Once I Find The Right Maxim To Apply, I Feel That I Have Done All That Can Be Expected Of Me.

Self-blame Usually Has An Undertone Of Self-congratulation.

Congratulations

I Know That I Am Very Much Like Everybody Else, But Not Really.

Beggars Market Their Incapacity.

The Sheen Of Ocean Gleams On The Blue Fish-plate.

The Truths I Shun Follow Me, Mumbling.

Every Perversion Has Survived Many Tests Of Its Capabilities.

Arrogance Frowns; Pride Smiles.

Journalism Never Admits That Nothing Much Is Happening.

The Narcissist Enjoys Being Looked At And Not Looking Back.

Many Gloat Over Their Own Troubles.

Flatter Me, But Delicately, Please, For I Am Fastidious.

Old And Young Disbelieve One Another's Truths.

Show Enough Regret, And Your Refusal Will Inspire Gratitude.

Reason Enables Us To Get Around In The World Of Ideas, But Cannot Prescribe Our Thoughts.

Self-realization Sounds Good. But What If Only An Enraged Dwarf Emerges?

A Quick Smile Is More Seductive Than A Slinky Dress.

Contempt For Others, Like Masturbation, Is Best As A Secret Pleasure.

Errors Are More Numerous Than Truths, But Fortunately Too Divided Among Themselves To Take Power.

Healthy Vanity Sweeps Through Life. Sickly Vanity Lies In Bed.

Necessity Makes Heroes Of Us All.

I Put Second Things First, And Then Worry About First Things.

Every Doctrine Has A Theory Of The Beginning.

Fruitless Striving Breeds Less Despair Than Inaction.

Metaphors Convince At Once Or Not At All.

Only Death Rescues Us From Dying.

Successful Innovations Become Conventions.

People Who Expect Deference Resent Mere Civility.

I Feel Disappointed, But I Don't Remember Just What I Expected.

Most People Find Just Being Themselves Not Enough Of A Show.

When I Try To Portray To Myself My Heart's Desire, Nothing Happens.

Most Bad Luck Is The Misfortune Of Not Being An Exception.

It Is Hard To Tell Truth, And Hard Not To.

Frivolous Sorrow Is Folly. Frivolous Enjoyment Is Not.

Discontented Women Dream Of Being Rescued By Prince Charming. Discontented Men Dream Of Finding A Horny Blond In The Back Seat Ofa Taxi.

The Unknowable Creates The Greatest Controversies.

Beauty And Virtue: The Most Kissable Ass In The World Is No Guarantee Of Good Intentions.

Proverbial Wisdom Counsels Against Risk And Change. But Sitting Ducks Fare Worst Of All.

Even In Writing An Annual Report, The Unconscious Plays A Role.

The Unhappy Are Prisoners Of A Single Round Of Thought.

It Is Possible To Interpret Without Observing, But Not To Observe Without Interpreting.

Manly Men And Womanly Women Are Still Here But Feeling Nervous.

The Suburbs: Signs Of Life, But No Proofs.

Generosity Knows How To Count, But Refrains.

Every Few Years Something New Breaks Into The Circle Of My Thoughts.

Even The Most Fickle Are Faithful To A Few Bad Habits.

Only Death Goes Deeper Than Sex.

Self-hatred And Self-love Are Equally Self-centered.

Life Is The Risk We Cannot Refuse.

Worried About Being A Dull Fellow? You Might Develop Your Talent For Being Irritating.

Procrastination And Impatience Form A System Of Checks And Balances.

Procrastination

Jargon: Any Technical Language We Do Not Understand.

Attacking A Belief Can Be The First Step Toward Embracing It.

Cure For An Obsession: Get Another One.

The Irrational May Be Attractive In The Abstract, But Not In Cab Drives, Dinner Guests, Or Elderly Relatives.

I Create My Social Existence By Earning And Spending.

A Free Spirit Must Be Able To Surmount Anxiety Time After Time.

Methodology Gives Those With No Ideas Something To Do.

Hope Likes Justification, But Can Do Without.

Pessimists Fear Becoming The Dupes Of Hope. Optimists Enjoy Hope's Company, And Consider Being Duped No Great Matter.

Moralists Love To Discourse On The Hollowness Of Success; About The Hollowness Of Failure They Are Silent.

Boredom Makes Me Sleepy Or Restless.

When I Go Out, I Hope To Leave The Worst Of Myself At Home.

The Soul Is No Longer Honored As It Once Was, But It Still Keeps Appetite From Being The Measure Of All Things.

I Am Only Interested In Money Because Everyone Else Is.

Thought Maps Existence; Fantasy Colors It.

Sexual Attraction Pairs People, But Does Not Match Them.

Mathematics: Silent Harmonies. Music: Sounding Numbers.

Nothing Easier Than To Confuse Busyness With Goodness.

Work At First Rescues Us, Then Ravages Us.

Nostalgia Keeps Dissolving The Ironic Narratives In Which I Have Contained My Past.

Sometimes The Only Way To Become Grounded Is To Hit Bottom.

Forget What Hurt You But Never Forget What It Thaught You.

The Realism Of Failure, The Romance Of Success.

To Jane Austen, Every Fool Is A Treasure Trove.

In An Aphorism, Aptness Counts For More Than Truth.

My Father Was A Patriarch Inside A Matriarchy, But Never Knew It.

Victory Brings Obliviousness; Defeat, Attentiveness.

Minds Will Wander Even During The Last Judgment.

Either Offer Me Something I Really Like, Or Stop Trying To Tempt Me.

Many Attempt To Harvest What Was Never Planted.

Shaw Writes As If It Were Always Midday.

Faith Moves Mountains, But You Have To Keep Pushing While You Are Praying.

I Feel Affluent Or Not According To What Part Of Town I Am In.

Reversing A Proposition Rearranges Its Terms, But Still Keeps Out New Terms.

Good Parties Create A Temporary Youthfulness.

Rule Of Science: Only Exclude Purpose, And Nature Will Reveal Her Causes.

At Retirement, Switching From "i Must" To "i Want" Leaves Me Puzzled And Uneasy.

Seeing My Malevolent Face In The Mirror, My Benevolent Soul Shrinks Back.

Romance Is Tempestuous. Love Is Calm.

When Courtesy Fails, Be Nasty, Brutish, And Short.

To Understand Someone, Find Out How He Spends His Money.

The Power Of Lying Is Much Less Than The Power Of What Is Not To Be Discussed.

Anyone Who Feels Like A Fool Has Made A Good Beginning.

Mild Brown Eyes Beckon Me To The Past, But Memory Provides No Clue.

Self-deception Is Nature; Hypocrisy Is Art.

Charity Does Not Like Arithmetic; Selfishness Worships It.

Cheerfulness Is A Policy; Happiness Is A Talent.

I Do Not Remember Joy Or Sorrow In Childhood, But Listening For Clues.

The Exhibitionist Loves To Flirt With Shame

Money Is A Better Tonic Than Geritol.

Observe Decorum, And It Will Open A Path To Morality.

I Pursue Pleasure, But Stingily, Suspiciously.

A Moratorium On Opportunities, Please. I Need To Recover From The Last One.

Lying Just For The Fun Of It Is Either Art Or Pathology.

Health Foods Make Promises That Only The Second Coming Could Fulfill.

'be Faithful To Your Roots' Is The Liberal Version Of 'stay In Your Ghetto.'

Small Successes Are Still Successes; Great Failures Are Still Failures.

Most People Regard Getting Their Way As A Matter Of Simple Justice.

Great Talkers Do Not Stop For Breath, And Never Look At The Clock.

Pity Drowns In Numbers.

Good Books Do Not Make People Wiser Or Happier--only More Conscious.

The Sewing Machine Joins What The Scissors Have Cut Asunder, Plus Whatever Else Comes In Its Path.

I Tried Good Taste, But The Strain Was Too Much For Me.

My Intentions Go One Way, My Desires Another. Thus I Feel Both Self-indulgent And Deprived.

Everyone Knows That (1) Happiness Is The Goal Of Life, And (2) Happiness Is A Chimera.

I Dream Of Summing Everything Up In The Greatest Sentence Ever Written.

Why Not - Is A Slogan For An Interesting Life.

Interesting Life

As A Comforter, Philosophy Cannot Compete With A Good Dinner.

Skepticism Does Not Preserve Us From Foolhardy Deeds.

Alcohol Postpones Anxiety, Then Multiplies It.

Events Are Called Inevitable Only After They Have Occurred.

Doubt Is Long-winded. Certainty Is Brief.

Dreams Surround Our Desires With Ugliness And Dread.

A Great Reader Seldom Recognizes His Solitude.

Everyone Values The Good Nature Of A Man With A Gun.

Birth Dates And Bathroom Scales Tell More Truth Than I Want To Know.

The Realist Lies For Advantage. The Fantasist Lies To Give His Dreams A Flavor Of Reality.

Consciousness Is Our Only Reprieve From Time.

Explanations Comfort Us By Giving The Impression That There Is An Order In Things.

Against Classical Philosophy: Thinking About Eternity Or The Immensity Of The Universe Does Not Lessen My Unhappiness.

Without The Blessing Of Cowardice, The World Would Long Since Have Been Torn To Bits.

Envy Awakens At The Sound Of A Distant Laugh.

As Children, Our Protests Availed Little. As Adults, The Same.

The Older We Become, The More Certain Our Future.

Seek And Hide: The Lover Gazes At The Beloved. The Beloved Looks Away. The Beloved Turns And Looks At The Lover. The Lover Runs Away.

Living Alone Makes It Harder To Find Someone To Blame.

To Be A Social Success, Do Not Act Pathetic, Arrogant, Or Bored. Do Not Discuss Your Unhappy Childhood, Your Visit To The Dentist,the Shortcomings Of Your Cleaning Woman, The State Of Your Bowels, Or Your Spouse's Bad Habits. You Will Be Thought A Paragon (or Perhaps A Monster) Of Good Behavior.

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The Nudes Of Art Are Not So Distant From Pornography As Prudish Pedants Pretend.

Thought Enables Us To See Fate Coming.

Magic Trick: To Make People Disappear, Ask Them To Fulfill Their Promises.

The Discontented Believe That Their Regrets Are About The Past.

Denial Of One Appetite Sharpens The Others.

The Popping Of Bubblegum Discourages The Most Determined Lecher.

Knowledge And Power In The City; Peace And Decency In The Country.

Excuses Change Nothing, But Make Everyone Feel Better.

In Retirement, Only Money And Symptoms Are Consequential.

To Make Advice Agreeable, Try Paradox Or Rhyme.

The Novel Avoids The Sublime And Seeks Out The Interesting.

Adrenalin Dispels Boredom. Run, You Sufferers From Ennui! Run For Your Lives!

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