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The Tannoy Is Crackling But I Can Only Hear Heavy Breathing And Snuffling. ... Uh-oh, The Tannoy Is Crackling Again. "sorry About That, Ladies And Gentlemen, I Momentarily Lost Hold Of My Pie.

-Louise Rennison

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The Tannoy Is Crackling

Louise Rennison

...

The Tannoy Is Crackling But I Can Only Hear Heavy Breathing And Snuffling. ... Uh-oh, The Tannoy Is Crackling Again. "sorry About That, Ladies And Gentlemen, I Momentarily Lost Hold Of My Pie.

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Honestly, What Planet Do These People Live On? And Why Isn't It Farther Away?

You're Fourteen Years Old. You've Only Had That Hair For Fourteen Years And You Want To Change It Already! How Bored Are You Going To Be With It By The Time You Are Thirty? What Color Will You Be Up To By Then?

Here Is My Recipe For A Mood Enhancer. Take A Friend, Preferably One With A Really Annoying Fringe And Outsize Pants, And When She Is Rambling On Swiftly, Push Her Into A Ditch And Run Away.

Jas, Whatever Tom Has Under His Trousers Is Between You And Him.

When We Did Eventually Get To The Party - Me Walking Next To Dad's Volvo Driving At Five Miles An Hour - I Had A Horrible Time. Everyone Laughed At First But Then More Or Less Ignored Me. In A Mood Of Defiant Stuffed Oliveness I Did Have A Dance By Myself But Things Kept Crashing To The Floor Around Me. The Host Asked If I Would Sit Down. I Had A Go At That But It Was Useless. In The End I Was At The Gate For About An Hour Before Dad Arrived.

As She Left My Room I Knew I Should Shut Up. But You Know When You Should Shut Up Because You Really Should Just Shut Up...but You Keep On And On Anyway? Well, I Had That.

You Wouldn't Say ' You've Got The Crappest Eyes I've Ever Seen. Your Eyes Make Me Physically Sick.

Mum Said, "it Is The Thought That Counts." And I Said, "i Know, Which Is Why I Am Ringing The Authorities Right Now. Anyone Who Thinks Like She Does Should Be Locked Up Out Of Harm's Way.

I Am Soooo Excited, I Am Over-excited. I'm Hysterical, I May Have To Slap My Own Face In A Minute At This Rate.

Out On The Moors, The Lonely Moors, I Roll Around In Sheep Poo. Heathcliff, It's Youuuuu, I Hate You, I Love You Tooooo. Let Me In, I'm Here, It's Meeeee, Catheeeeeeee. Look Out Of Your Windooooow.

What If You Were Really Meant To Be With Someone? But You Kept Messing About And Having The Horn And So On And You Lost Them.

What Is That Song They Are Singing Is It An Old Yorkshire Ditty You Know Like That 'on Ilkley Moor Bar T'at' " Ruby Said "nah It's A Football Song. It Goes 'we Hate Chelsea We Hate Chelsea We Are The Chelsea Haters.

I Will Not Have Him In My Brain;there Is No Room For Anyone Else In The Cakeshop Of Agony. It's Crowded Enough In There Already.

I Don't Want To Be Rude To The Afflicted But Uncle Eddie Is Bald In A Way Which Is The Baldest I Have Ever Seen.

When Girls Walk Home We Put On Lippy And Makeup. We Chat. Sometimes We Pretend To Be Hunchbacks. But That Is It. Perfectly Normal Behavior.

Dance Of The Sugar Plum Bikey. Yes, That's Got A Nice Ring To It.

Rosie Get Off Your Desk, And Please Put Your Beard Away.

Shakespeare Is Just Some Bloke Who Keeps Ranting "what Light Trough Yonder Window Breaks" Its The Moon For God Sakes!

The Fly In Her Argument Is That When She Says, 'they' Will Feel Like Lemons, We Don't Know Who 'they' Are. And 'they' Might Be Lemons.

I Couldn't Believe It. It Was Unbelievable, That's Why. My Face Was Like A Frozen Fish Finger. All Rigid And Pale. (but Obviously Not With Breadcrumbs On It.)

Jas, You Are Three Hundred Miles Away. You Would Have To Have Nunga-nungas The Size Of France For Jock To Be Able To Rest His Hand On Them.

I Don't Know What's Going On With Mum And Dad, But It's Weird. Mum Keeps Asking Dad To Do Things And He Keeps Doing Them Unfotunately, She Hasn't Said 'hand Over Your Money And Make Your Way To Europe!

He Who Laughs Last Laughs The Laughiest.

Magazines And Books

I Can Already Feel Myself Getting Fed Up With Boys And I Haven't Had Anything To Do With Them Yet" - Georgia Nicolson

...then It Said On The News, "and Tonight The Prime Minister Has Just Got To Number Ten." I Looked Down At Jas And Said, "ooer." Meaning He'd Got To Number Ten On The Snogging Scale. And Then We Both Laughed Like Loons. Vati Just Looked At Us Like We Were Mad.

Heathcliff. The "hero" Of Wuthering Heights. Although No One Knows Why. He's Mean, Moody, And Possibly A Bit On The Pongy Side. Cathy Loves Him, Though. She Shows This By Viciously Rejecting Him And Marrying Someone Else For A Laugh. Still, That Is True Love On The Moors For You.

How Do You Make Yourself Not Like Someone?

Some Things In Life Are Not Pleasant But They Have To Be Done. For Instance, German And Maths.

I Am Looking At You And You Are Looking At Me. This Is Very Good. I Am Looking And I Am Liking. You Are Looking And You Are Thinking, 'i Hope She Doesn't Hit Me With Her Crop.' But That Is Because I Am Me And You Are You.

Mr. Darcy Was In Pride And Prejudice And At First He Was All Snooty And Huffy; Then He Fell In A Lake And Came Out With His Shirt All Wet. And Then We All Loved Him. In A Swoony Way.

I Could Have Quite Literally Snogged Until The Cows Came Home. And When They Came Home I Would Have Shouted, "what Have You Cows Come Home For? Can't You See I'm Snogging, You Stupid Herbivores???

Dad Has Brought Me A Cup Of Tea In Bed This Morning! I Said, 'vati, Why Are You Waking Me Up In The Middle Of The Night? Are You On Fire?

Rosie Laughed In A Not Too Reassuring Way If You Like Sane Laughter.

When Mutti And Vati Came In I Didn't Speak To Them. I Just Unfurled The Cat Molesters Banner I Had Made.

Oh No. I've Just Accidently Paid A Visit To The Cakeshop Of Love. I Haven't Put Back My Italian Cakey, But I Have Accidentally Picked Up A Dave The Tart.

As We Drew Near To The Gates Of Dother Hall The Old Bell In The Belfry Rang Out. I Said, 'i Must Go In, It's Nigh On Ten Of The Clock.' He Half-turned Away From Me, His Jacket Collar Hiding His Expression. Was He Angry? Disappointed?" Jo Looked Intently And I Said, "hungry?" Jo Ignored Me, But As She Passed By Acting Out Walking Away From Phil, She Allowed Her Hand To Slap Against My Head.

I‘ve Said It Once And I Will Say It Again, Why Can‘t Everyone Just Speak English? The Americans Give It A Bit Of A Go — Why Can‘t Other Nations?

Cor, Love A Duck. And Also Lawks-a-mercy. I Said That Inwardly, But Outwardly I Said, "blimey, And Also, What Larks.

If You Fall Down Those Stairs And Break Both Of Your Legs, Don't Come Running To Me!

Your Soul Shines Through Even If You Haven't Got Mascara On

Look, I Can't Go Out With You, Because... Because... Because I'm A Lesbian.

Through My Curtains I Can See A Big Yellow Moon. I’m Thinking Of All The People In The World Who Will Be Looking At That Same Moon. I Wonder How Many Of Them Haven’t Got Any Eyebrows?

Here Is Another Marvy Glimpse Into The Gothic Basement That I Call My Mind.

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A Nod Is As Good As A Wink To A Blind Badger.

I Think 'growing Up' Would Mean That You Are Incredibly Tolerant And Easygoing, Liked Everything, Curious About The World Because You Weren't So Egotistically Driven.

I Put My Arm Around Her And Said, "jas, I Have Found That When You Are Troubled, It Is Often Better To Think Of Others Rather Than Yourself. I Think You Would Feel Much Better If You Got Me Some Milky Coffee And Jammy Dodgers And I Told You All About Me.

He Came Over And Ruffled My Hair, Which Is Technically Assault. I Could Get On The Blower To Childline.

You Make Me Laugh Like A Loon On Loon Tablets!

I Said, "do You Think She Thinks It's Me?" Jas Said, "well, It's Pretty Conclusive, Isn't It? She Said 'the Most Sniveling Idiot I Have Ever Come Across.'" I Said, "i Didn't Know That You Have Been Seeing Masimo. Tom The Slug King Is Going To Be Very Upset.

Jassie, Guess What I'm Dancing In!' 'i Don't Know, A Bowl?' 'non... I Am Dancing In My Nuddy-pants!

When Uncle Eddie Does His Impression Of 'like A Virgin' It's Like Madonna Is Coming Out Of His Body!' Christ What An Image.

Shut Up Jas, You Are Not Baby Jesus

P.p.s. I Am Giving You Telepathic Hugs. P.p.p.s. But Not In A Telepathically Lezzie Way.

There He Is, Tall, Tanned, Italian, Sophisticated. So What Do You Do?" I Said, "er, Leap On Him And Snog Him Within An Inch Of His Life? Taking Care Not To Strangle Myself On His False Beard, Or Disturb His Banana.

I'm Not A Ice Cream, I'm A Human Being

And That's When It Fell Off In My Hand

Georgia Nicolson

I Gave My Artistic Laugh And Also Threw In Some Quirky Language For Good Measure. "lawks-a-mercy, No! I'm Going To Have A Long Bath And..." I Looked Shyly Down. Which Is Pretty Impressive To Have Done Artistic Laugh, Quirky Language And Shyness All In The Space Of Ten Seconds.

Watching Tv Mum Said," Do You Miss Your Dad?" And I Said," Who?

Looking Out Of The Window At The Infinite Sky, I Prayed Out, 'dear Baby Jesus, I Am Sorry For My Sin, Even Though I Do Not Know What They Are, Which Seems A Bit Unfair If It Is Going To Be Held Against Me. But That Is Your Way. And I Am Not Questioning Your Wisdomosity. In Future, However, Would It Be Possible For My Life To Be Not So Entirely Crap? Thank You.

Hello, My Sister, Libby, Also Your Daughter, Is Snogging A Potato In My Bed. What Are You Going To Do About It?' Dad Started Yelling Uncontrollably. I Wonder If He Is Having The Male Menopause? If He Starts Growing Breasts, I Will Definitely Be Running Away With The Circus.

Love Is A Many Trousered Thing.

I Am Exhausted By Trying To Get Along With The Lord.

Overslept And Had To Race To Get A Life To Jas’s With My Dad. No Time For Yoga Or Makeup. Oh Well, I’ll Start Tomorrow. God Alone Knows How The Dalai Lama Copes On A Daily Basis. He Must Get Up At Dawn. Actually, I Read Somewhere That He Does Get Up At Dawn.

Vaisey Looked Like A Startled Earwig.

This Is The First Day Of The Rest Of My Life. So Why Is My Hair Sticking Up Like A Cockerel?

How Many Times Do We All Have To Do This? Get Up, Go To School, Again? Before Everyone Admits It's A Crap Idea?

Everyone Is So Obsessed With Themselves Nowadays That They Have No Time For Me.

What In The Name Of Hitler's Panties And Matching Bra Set Was She Talking About?

And A Secret Inward Voice In My Head Was Saying (in A Strange Breathy Voice...) Yes, Yessss, I Will Pop Round To The Blind Pig. I Will 'pop' Round Because Guess Who Lives At The Blind Pig? It Is Not A Blind Pig, It Is Alex.

Non...i Am Dancing In My Nuddy-pants!!!' And We Both Laughed Like Loons On Loon Tablets. I Danced For Ages Round The House In My Nuddy-pants. Also, I Did This Brilliant Thing-i Danced In The Front Window Just For A Second Whilst Mr. Across The Road Was Drawing His Curtains. He Will Never Be Sure If He Saw A Mirage Or Not. That Is The Kind Of Person I Am. Not Really The Kind Of Person Who Goes And Raises Elks In Whakatane.

Unbelievable! I Said, "what Would I Be Doing Walking The Streets At Night As A Stuffed Olive- Gate-crashing Cocktail Parties?

Or If I Truly Gave Up I Could Be Like Wet Lindsay. When Robbie Dumped Her She Got All Pale And Even Wetter Than Normal. She Was Like An Anoraksick. (a Person Who Is Both Very Thin And Wears Tragic Anoraks.) I Just Made That Up As A Joke. Even Though I Am Very Upset I Can Still Think Of A Joke.

He Has A Song In His Heart For Me. I Hope It Is Not "shut Uppa You Face, Whatsa Matta You.

As I Have Often Said, She Has Two Styles Of Acting: With Or Without The Beard.

Tom Is Back On A Flight At 6:15 P.m. That Is 6:15. Do You Get It? Not 6:00 P.m. But 6:15 P.m. And Do You Know How Many Minutes That Is? I Do. I Have Also Become A Time Lord.

And The Kittykats Would Have To Erect Scaffolding And A Pulley To Get Him Down. Mind You, I Wouldn't Put That Past Them. Sometimes When They Are Behind The Sofa Supposedly Purring, I Think They Are Drilling.

At That Point Ms Fox Came In And Said, "hello, Carry On As If I Am Not Here." Then She Lay Down On The Floor.

Who Wouldn't Want To See Some Owl Eggs?" I Said, "come On Then, They Are Down Here." He Said, "tallulah, The Answer To Who Wouldn't Want To See Some Owl Eggs Is... Me!!!!

I Wanted To Kill Her And Make Her Eat Her Fringe. And Her Knickers.

You Are Not Ashamed Of Our Luuurve, Are You, Jas?' 'look, Shut Up, People Might Hear.' 'what Do You Mean, The People Who Live In The Telephone?

My Cousin Georgia Says That Boys Are Like Gazelles. She Says The Get Alarmed When They Get Close To Girls. And They Have To Leap Off Into The Woods Like Gazelles In Trousers. Or Have I Just Made That Up?

He Had Everything A Dream Boy Should Have. Back, Front, Sides, Everything. A Head.

He Said, "hi, Gorgeous," Which I Think Is Nice. I Admire Honesty.

Dad At Breakfast Today Being Very Quiet. I Notice He Is Clean Shaven. I Said To Him, "vati, What Has Happened To The Little Beaver That Used To Live On The End Of Your Chin?

Maybe He Overreacted A Bit." - "a Bit? That's Like Hitler Saying, 'oooh, I Just Meant To Go For A Little Walk, But Then I Accidentally Invaded Poland".

I've Never Had Anyone Say They Love Me Before. Libby Lobes Me, That Is True, But There Is Something A Bit Menacing About The Way She Says It.

I Like The Idea That I Can Talk To Any Teenage Girls. You Know, In A Language That Makes Sense To Them.

Vaisey Said, "is It Because Your Parents Don't Understand You?" Charlie Said, "no, It's Because Our Parents Understand Us Very Well, And That Is Why They Wanted Us To Go Away.

The Tannoy Is Crackling But I Can Only Hear Heavy Breathing And Snuffling. ... Uh-oh, The Tannoy Is Crackling Again. "sorry About That, Ladies And Gentlemen, I Momentarily Lost Hold Of My Pie.

I Am Going To Keep My Mind (well, What's Left Of It) Occupied By Doing (and I Never Thought The Day Would Come When I Would Say This) My Homework.

This Soft Grass Suggests 'softness' To Me, But Also At The Same Time 'lying-down-ness'.

I Am Going To Become A Writer For Cosmo - You Don’t Have To Make Any Sense At All. Or Maybe I’ll Be A Bloke, They Don’t Have To Make Sense Either.

What Shall I Say? I Must Tread A Fine Line Between Glaciosity And Friendlinosity. With Just A Hint Of 'you Don't Know What You Are Missing, My Fine-feathered Friend.

Its Okay I'm Wearing Really Big Knickers.

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