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As We Drew Near To The Gates Of Dother Hall The Old Bell In The Belfry Rang Out. I Said, 'i Must Go In, It's Nigh On Ten Of The Clock.' He Half-turned Away From Me, His Jacket Collar Hiding His Expression. Was He Angry? Disappointed?" Jo Looked Intently And I Said, "hungry?" Jo Ignored Me, But As She Passed By Acting Out Walking Away From Phil, She Allowed Her Hand To Slap Against My Head.

-Louise Rennison

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As We Drew Near

Louise Rennison

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As We Drew Near To The Gates Of Dother Hall The Old Bell In The Belfry Rang Out. I Said, 'i Must Go In, It's Nigh On Ten Of The Clock.' He Half-turned Away From Me, His Jacket Collar Hiding His Expression. Was He Angry? Disappointed?" Jo Looked Intently And I Said, "hungry?" Jo Ignored Me, But As She Passed By Acting Out Walking Away From Phil, She Allowed Her Hand To Slap Against My Head.

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You Wouldn't Say ' You've Got The Crappest Eyes I've Ever Seen. Your Eyes Make Me Physically Sick.

When We Did Eventually Get To The Party - Me Walking Next To Dad's Volvo Driving At Five Miles An Hour - I Had A Horrible Time. Everyone Laughed At First But Then More Or Less Ignored Me. In A Mood Of Defiant Stuffed Oliveness I Did Have A Dance By Myself But Things Kept Crashing To The Floor Around Me. The Host Asked If I Would Sit Down. I Had A Go At That But It Was Useless. In The End I Was At The Gate For About An Hour Before Dad Arrived.

And The Kittykats Would Have To Erect Scaffolding And A Pulley To Get Him Down. Mind You, I Wouldn't Put That Past Them. Sometimes When They Are Behind The Sofa Supposedly Purring, I Think They Are Drilling.

I Don't Know What's Going On With Mum And Dad, But It's Weird. Mum Keeps Asking Dad To Do Things And He Keeps Doing Them Unfotunately, She Hasn't Said 'hand Over Your Money And Make Your Way To Europe!

And A Secret Inward Voice In My Head Was Saying (in A Strange Breathy Voice...) Yes, Yessss, I Will Pop Round To The Blind Pig. I Will 'pop' Round Because Guess Who Lives At The Blind Pig? It Is Not A Blind Pig, It Is Alex.

Cor, Love A Duck. And Also Lawks-a-mercy. I Said That Inwardly, But Outwardly I Said, "blimey, And Also, What Larks.

You Are Not Ashamed Of Our Luuurve, Are You, Jas?' 'look, Shut Up, People Might Hear.' 'what Do You Mean, The People Who Live In The Telephone?

What If You Were Really Meant To Be With Someone? But You Kept Messing About And Having The Horn And So On And You Lost Them.

I Couldn't Believe It. It Was Unbelievable, That's Why. My Face Was Like A Frozen Fish Finger. All Rigid And Pale. (but Obviously Not With Breadcrumbs On It.)

Jas, Whatever Tom Has Under His Trousers Is Between You And Him.

If You Fall Down Those Stairs And Break Both Of Your Legs, Don't Come Running To Me!

There He Is, Tall, Tanned, Italian, Sophisticated. So What Do You Do?" I Said, "er, Leap On Him And Snog Him Within An Inch Of His Life? Taking Care Not To Strangle Myself On His False Beard, Or Disturb His Banana.

Hello, My Sister, Libby, Also Your Daughter, Is Snogging A Potato In My Bed. What Are You Going To Do About It?' Dad Started Yelling Uncontrollably. I Wonder If He Is Having The Male Menopause? If He Starts Growing Breasts, I Will Definitely Be Running Away With The Circus.

Here Is My Recipe For A Mood Enhancer. Take A Friend, Preferably One With A Really Annoying Fringe And Outsize Pants, And When She Is Rambling On Swiftly, Push Her Into A Ditch And Run Away.

When Girls Walk Home We Put On Lippy And Makeup. We Chat. Sometimes We Pretend To Be Hunchbacks. But That Is It. Perfectly Normal Behavior.

Unbelievable! I Said, "what Would I Be Doing Walking The Streets At Night As A Stuffed Olive- Gate-crashing Cocktail Parties?

I Could Have Quite Literally Snogged Until The Cows Came Home. And When They Came Home I Would Have Shouted, "what Have You Cows Come Home For? Can't You See I'm Snogging, You Stupid Herbivores???

You're Fourteen Years Old. You've Only Had That Hair For Fourteen Years And You Want To Change It Already! How Bored Are You Going To Be With It By The Time You Are Thirty? What Color Will You Be Up To By Then?

P.p.s. I Am Giving You Telepathic Hugs. P.p.p.s. But Not In A Telepathically Lezzie Way.

Look, I Can't Go Out With You, Because... Because... Because I'm A Lesbian.

He Said, "hi, Gorgeous," Which I Think Is Nice. I Admire Honesty.

Here Is Another Marvy Glimpse Into The Gothic Basement That I Call My Mind.

Rosie Laughed In A Not Too Reassuring Way If You Like Sane Laughter.

Heathcliff. The "hero" Of Wuthering Heights. Although No One Knows Why. He's Mean, Moody, And Possibly A Bit On The Pongy Side. Cathy Loves Him, Though. She Shows This By Viciously Rejecting Him And Marrying Someone Else For A Laugh. Still, That Is True Love On The Moors For You.

Its Okay I'm Wearing Really Big Knickers.

Still, Life Carries On. Exams To Be Examined. Serious Things To Be Thingied.

A Nod Is As Good As A Wink To A Blind Badger.

I Like The Idea That I Can Talk To Any Teenage Girls. You Know, In A Language That Makes Sense To Them.

Tom Is Back On A Flight At 6:15 P.m. That Is 6:15. Do You Get It? Not 6:00 P.m. But 6:15 P.m. And Do You Know How Many Minutes That Is? I Do. I Have Also Become A Time Lord.

I Am Soooo Excited, I Am Over-excited. I'm Hysterical, I May Have To Slap My Own Face In A Minute At This Rate.

Overslept And Had To Race To Get A Life To Jas’s With My Dad. No Time For Yoga Or Makeup. Oh Well, I’ll Start Tomorrow. God Alone Knows How The Dalai Lama Copes On A Daily Basis. He Must Get Up At Dawn. Actually, I Read Somewhere That He Does Get Up At Dawn.

...then It Said On The News, "and Tonight The Prime Minister Has Just Got To Number Ten." I Looked Down At Jas And Said, "ooer." Meaning He'd Got To Number Ten On The Snogging Scale. And Then We Both Laughed Like Loons. Vati Just Looked At Us Like We Were Mad.

When Uncle Eddie Does His Impression Of 'like A Virgin' It's Like Madonna Is Coming Out Of His Body!' Christ What An Image.

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As We Drew Near To The Gates Of Dother Hall The Old Bell In The Belfry Rang Out. I Said, 'i Must Go In, It's Nigh On Ten Of The Clock.' He Half-turned Away From Me, His Jacket Collar Hiding His Expression. Was He Angry? Disappointed?" Jo Looked Intently And I Said, "hungry?" Jo Ignored Me, But As She Passed By Acting Out Walking Away From Phil, She Allowed Her Hand To Slap Against My Head.

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And That's When It Fell Off In My Hand

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