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The Puritans Came To America To Worship In Their Way And To Force Everybody Else To Do The Same Thing.

-Sam Levenson

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The Puritans Came To

Sam Levenson

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The Puritans Came To America To Worship In Their Way And To Force Everybody Else To Do The Same Thing.

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If You Owe Fifty Dollars You're A Piker; If You Owe Fifty Thousand Dollars You're A Businessman; If You Owe Fifty Million Dollars You're A Tycoon; If You Owe Fifty Billion Dollars You're The Government.

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The Puritans Came To America To Worship In Their Way And To Force Everybody Else To Do The Same Thing.

You Can't Start At The Top.

It Would Be Useless To Bomb Washington. If You Destroy One Building, They Already Have Two Other Buildings Completely Staffed With People Doing Exactly The Same Thing.

How Wise Are Thy Commandments O Lord. Each One Of Them Applies To Somebody Or Other I Know.

We Should Not Permit Prayer To Be Taken Out Of The Schools; That's The Only Way Most Of Us Got Through.

One Of The Virtues Of Being Very Young Is That You Don't Let The Facts Get In The Way Of Your Imagination.

It's So Simple To Be Wise. Just Think Of Something Stupid To Say And Say The Opposite.

If You Want To Know How Your Girl Will Treat You After Marriage, Just Listen To Her Talking To Her Little Brother.

Just Try To Be Happy. Unhappiness Starts With Wanting To Be Happier.

It's Not The Sugar That Makes The Tea Sweet, But The Stirring.

Lead Us Not Into Temptation. Just Tell Us Where It Is; We'll Find It.

A Woman's Place Is In The Home. Why Should She Go Out And Take Away A Workingman's Pay Instead Of Staying Home And Stealing Out Of His Jacket Like A Good Wife.

Siblings: Children Of The Same Parents, Each Of Whom Is Perfectly Normal Until They Get Together.

Don't Watch The Clock; Do What It Does. Keep Going.

The High Iq Has Become The American Equivalent Of The Legion Of Honor, Positive Proof Of A Child's Intellectual Aristocracy.... It Has Become More Important To Be A Smart Kid Than A Good Kid Or Even A Healthy Kid.

Any Beast Can Cry Over The Misfortunes Of Its Own Child. It Takes A Mensch To Weep For Others' Children.

You Must Learn From The Mistakes Of Others. You Can't Possibly Live Long Enough To Make Them All Yourself.

You Must Pay For Your Sins. If You Have Already Paid, Please Ignore This Notice.

I'm Going To Stop Putting Things Off, Starting Tomorrow!

Procrastination

You Don't Have To Be In "who's Who" To Know What's What.

There Was An Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe She Had So Many Children Her Government Subsidy Check Came To $4,892.

Our Toaster Has Two Settings: Too Soon Or Too Late.

If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

If You Die In An Elevator, Be Sure To Push The Up Button.

When I Came Home And Showed My Mother My Report Card With A Mark Of 98 In Arithmetic, She Wanted To Know Who Had Gotten The Other Two Points.

The Whole World Is Watching America, And America Is Watching Tv.

Happiness Is A By-product. You Cannot Pursue It By Itself.

Somewhere On This Globe, Every Ten Seconds, There Is A Woman Giving Birth To A Child. She Must Be Found And Stopped.

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I'm Gonna Put All My Money Into Taxes. They're Sure To Go Up.

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Courage Is Walking Naked Through A Cannibal Village

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The Chaplain Of The Senate Does Not Pray For The Senate. He Watches The Senate And Prays For The Country.

The Beauty Of America Is That The Average Person Always Thinks She Is Above Average.

People, More Than Things, Have To Be Restored, Renewed, Revived, Reclaimed, And Redeemed.

What We Should Have Fought For Was Representation Without Taxation.

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At The U.n., Any Nation That Fights Back Is Censored As An "aggressor."

Times Don't Change. Men Do.

When I Was A Boy I Used To Do What My Father Wanted. Now I Have To Do What My Boy Wants. My Problem Is: When Am I Going To Do What I Want?

If You Want To Kill Time Why Not Try Working It To Death.

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The Simplest Toy, One Which Even The Youngest Child Can Operate, Is Called A Grandparent.

The Reason Grandparents And Grandchildren Get Along So Well Is That They Have A Common Enemy.

Give Your Child A Spanking Once A Day. If You Don't Know Why, He Does.

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