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Life Begins At Forty, But So Does Arthritis, And The Habit Of Telling The Same Story Three Times To The Same Person.

-Sam Levenson

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Life Begins At Forty,

Sam Levenson

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Life Begins At Forty, But So Does Arthritis, And The Habit Of Telling The Same Story Three Times To The Same Person.

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The Beauty Of America Is That The Average Person Always Thinks She Is Above Average.

The Whole World Is Watching America, And America Is Watching Tv.

Give Your Child A Spanking Once A Day. If You Don't Know Why, He Does.

The Simplest Toy, One Which Even The Youngest Child Can Operate, Is Called A Grandparent.

Somewhere On This Globe, Every Ten Seconds, There Is A Woman Giving Birth To A Child. She Must Be Found And Stopped.

If Your Wife Wants To Learn To Drive, Don't Stand In Her Way.

A Woman's Place Is In The Home. Why Should She Go Out And Take Away A Workingman's Pay Instead Of Staying Home And Stealing Out Of His Jacket Like A Good Wife.

Insanity Is Hereditary; You Get It From Your Children.

Democracy Means Doing Whatever You Want Without Asking Permission Of Anybody But Your Boss, Your Doctor, Your Lawyer, Your Landlord, Your Bank, Your City, Your State And Federal Authorities, And Your Wife And Children.

The Reason Grandparents And Grandchildren Get Along So Well Is That They Have A Common Enemy.

If You Want To Kill Time Why Not Try Working It To Death.

Any Beast Can Cry Over The Misfortunes Of Its Own Child. It Takes A Mensch To Weep For Others' Children.

Life Begins At Forty, But So Does Arthritis, And The Habit Of Telling The Same Story Three Times To The Same Person.

We Should Not Permit Prayer To Be Taken Out Of The Schools; That's The Only Way Most Of Us Got Through.

Courage Is Walking Naked Through A Cannibal Village

Siblings: Children Of The Same Parents, Each Of Whom Is Perfectly Normal Until They Get Together.

The High Iq Has Become The American Equivalent Of The Legion Of Honor, Positive Proof Of A Child's Intellectual Aristocracy.... It Has Become More Important To Be A Smart Kid Than A Good Kid Or Even A Healthy Kid.

Learn From Other People's Mistakes. Life Is Too Short To Make Them All Yourself.

Life Is Too Short

The Chaplain Of The Senate Does Not Pray For The Senate. He Watches The Senate And Prays For The Country.

People, More Than Things, Have To Be Restored, Renewed, Revived, Reclaimed, And Redeemed.

It Would Be Useless To Bomb Washington. If You Destroy One Building, They Already Have Two Other Buildings Completely Staffed With People Doing Exactly The Same Thing.

You Don't Have To Be In "who's Who" To Know What's What.

Our Toaster Has Two Settings: Too Soon Or Too Late.

It's A Good Thing That When God Created The Rainbow He Didn't Consult A Decorator Or He Would Still Be Picking Colors.

I'm Gonna Put All My Money Into Taxes. They're Sure To Go Up.

Happiness Is A By-product. You Cannot Pursue It By Itself.

Times Don't Change. Men Do.

Never Lend Money To A Friend. It's Dangerous. It Could Damage His Memory.

We May Not Always See Eye To Eye, But We Can Try To See Heart To Heart.

Lead Us Not Into Temptation. Just Tell Us Where It Is; We'll Find It.

One Antidote For Sexual Truancy Lies In Simply Teaching Youth The Wonder, The Miracle, The Reverence For The Creation Of Life Itself. Life Is A Divine Creation. You Don't Take Chances With Creation.

One Of The Virtues Of Being Very Young Is That You Don't Let The Facts Get In The Way Of Your Imagination.

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If You Die In An Elevator, Be Sure To Push The Up Button.

More And More Congressmen Now Stay In Washington All Year-round Because They Can't Stay At Home Under The Laws They've Passed.

When I Was A Boy I Used To Do What My Father Wanted. Now I Have To Do What My Boy Wants. My Problem Is: When Am I Going To Do What I Want?

The Longest Word In The World Is "a Word From Our Sponsor."

You Can't Start At The Top.

The Puritans Came To America To Worship In Their Way And To Force Everybody Else To Do The Same Thing.

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The American Success Formula Is First To Get A Home Of Your Own, Then To Get A Car Of Your Own So You Don't Have To Stay In That Home Of Your Own.

You Must Pay For Your Sins. If You Have Already Paid, Please Ignore This Notice.

I Admit That: My Wife Is Outspoken, But By Whom?

At The U.n., Any Nation That Fights Back Is Censored As An "aggressor."

Any Kid Who Has Two Parents Who Are Interested In Him And Has A Houseful Of Books Isn't Poor.

When I Came Home And Showed My Mother My Report Card With A Mark Of 98 In Arithmetic, She Wanted To Know Who Had Gotten The Other Two Points.

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There Was An Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe She Had So Many Children Her Government Subsidy Check Came To $4,892.

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If You Owe Fifty Dollars You're A Piker; If You Owe Fifty Thousand Dollars You're A Businessman; If You Owe Fifty Million Dollars You're A Tycoon; If You Owe Fifty Billion Dollars You're The Government.

Just Try To Be Happy. Unhappiness Starts With Wanting To Be Happier.

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What We Should Have Fought For Was Representation Without Taxation.

It's Not The Sugar That Makes The Tea Sweet, But The Stirring.

I'm Going To Stop Putting Things Off, Starting Tomorrow!

Procrastination

If You Want To Know How Your Girl Will Treat You After Marriage, Just Listen To Her Talking To Her Little Brother.

For Attractive Lips, Speak Words Of Kindness. For Lovely Eyes, Seek Out The Good In People. For A Slim Figure, Share Your Food With The Hungry. For Beautiful Hair, Let A Child Run Their Fingers Through It Once A Day. For Poise, Walk With The Knowledge That You Never Walk Alone. People, More Than Things, Have To Be Restored, Renewed, Revived, Reclaimed, And Redeemed. Remember, If You Ever Need A Helping Hand, You Will Find One At The End Of Each Of Your Arms. As You Grow Older, You Will Discover That You Have Two Hands, One For Helping Yourself And The Other For Helping Others.

It Was On My Fifth Birthday That Papa Put His Hand On My Shoulder And Said, 'remember, My Son, If You Ever Need A Helping Hand, You'll Find One At The End Of Your Arm.'

The Reason God Made Man Before Woman Was That He Didn't Want Any Suggestions.

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