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The ... Problem That Confronts Homosexuals Is That They Set Out To Win The Love Of A "real" Man. If They Succeed, They Fail. A Man Who "goes With" Other Men Is Not What They Would Call A Real Man. The Conundrum Is Incapable Of Resolution, But That Does Not Make Homosexuals Give It Up.

-Quentin Crisp

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The ... Problem That

Quentin Crisp

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The ... Problem That Confronts Homosexuals Is That They Set Out To Win The Love Of A "real" Man. If They Succeed, They Fail. A Man Who "goes With" Other Men Is Not What They Would Call A Real Man. The Conundrum Is Incapable Of Resolution, But That Does Not Make Homosexuals Give It Up.

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I Found That I Had Become So Spinsterish That I Was Made Neurotic Not Only By My Life Of Domesticity But By The Slightest Derangement Of My Room. I Would Burst Into A Fit Of Weeping If The Kettle Was Not Facing Due East.

Even Hooligans Marry, Though They Know That Marriage Is For A Little While. It Is Alimony That Is For Ever.

Our Clothes Are Too Much A Part Of Us For Most Of Us Ever To Be Entirely Indifferent To Their Condition: It Is As Though The Fabric Were Indeed A Natural Extension Of The Body, Or Even Of The Soul.

Decency Must Be An Even More Exhausting State To Maintain Than Its Opposite. Those Who Succeed Seem To Need A Stupefying Amount Of Sleep.

To Live In The Past Is To Miss Today's Opportunities And Tomorrow's Blessings.

Love Is The Extra Effort We Make In Our Dealings With Those Whom We Do Not Like And Once You Understand That, You Understand All. This Idea That Love Overtakes You Is Nonsense. This Is But A Polite Manifestation Of Sex. To Love Another You Have To Undertake Some Fragment Of Their Destiny.

Keeping Up With The Joneses Was A Full-time Job With My Mother And Father. It Was Not Until Many Years Later When I Lived Alone That I Realized How Much Cheaper It Was To Drag The Joneses Down To My Level.

All Liaisons Between Homosexuals Are Conducted As Though They Were Between A Chorus Girl And A Bishop. In Some Cases Both Parties Think They Are Bishops.

It's A Strange Situation, But People Will Pay Your Fare To Get You To Go And Tell Them How To Be Happy.

If I Were God - And I Never Understand Why I'm Not - I Should Say, "shop Around, I Don't Think You'll Find A Better Bargain Than Here."

What Matters Is Not Whether You Put Your Fork Or Knife Together Because You've Finished Your Meal, Or Something Like That. What Matters Is That You Don't Offend People, Or Hurt Their Feelings By Mistake By Saying The Wrong Thing Or Doing The Wrong Thing.

Development Of Character Consists Solely In Moving Toward Self-sufficiency.

I Don't Hold With Abroad And Think That Foreigners Speak English When Our Backs Are Turned.

In England, Nobody's Your Friend.

When I Was Young, I Wanted To Find The Great Dark Man. When I Said That I Realise Now That People Thought That By 'dark' I Meant Black, And That By 'great' I Meant Big. Whereas I Only Meant A Strong, Mysterious Person; Someone Who Would 'take Me Away From All This.'

You See, Astrology Is Like Fortune-telling. If You Can't Get It Right, You Say, "well, If Venus Was Doing Something Peculiar In The Background, That Would Alter Your Prognostication--because, Of Course, Astrology Is Rubbish.

The Young Always Have The Same Problem - How To Rebel And Conform At The Same Time. They Have Now Solved This By Defying Their Parents And Copying One Another.

Vienna Is Cold, And Dark, And Sad. It Is Laid Out As Though For A Royal Parade; The Streets Are Wide And They're Flanked By Monumental Buildings, Decorated With The Faces Of Angry Gods. And On The Roof Are Statues Of National Heroes, Wielding Weapons Of Destruction.

My Function In Life Was To Render Clear What Was Already Blindingly Conspicuous.

The Gymnasiacs Of Venice, In California, Are So Addicted To These Practices That There Has Arisen A Nation Of Men Who Can No Longer Put Their Arms Against Their Sides

To Love Another Person You Have To Undertake Some Fragment Of Their Destiny.

I Take It To Be Axiomatic That People Are Revolted By Witnessing The Shameless Gratification Of An Appetite They Do Not Share.

Never Keep Up With The Joneses. Drag Them Down To Your Level.

It Is Explained That All Relationships Require A Little Give And Take. This Is Untrue. Any Partnership Demands That We Give And Give And Give And At The Last, As We Flop Into Our Graves Exhausted, We Are Told That We Didn't Give Enough.

If Mr. Vincent Price Were To Be Co-starred With Miss Bette Davis In A Story By Mr. Edgar Allan Poe Directed By Mr. Roger Corman, It Could Not Fully Express The Pent-up Violence And Depravity Of A Single Day In The Life Of The Average Family.

Exhibitionism Is Like A Drug. Hooked In Adolescence I Was Now Taking Doses So Massive They Would Have Killed A Novice.

Exhibitionists Have No Friends, No Friends At All.

When I Told The People Of Northern Ireland That I Was An Atheist, A Woman In The Audience Stood Up And Said, 'yes, But Is It The God Of The Catholics Or The God Of The Protestants In Whom You Don't Believe?'

Any Film Is At Least Better Than Real Life.

The Search For A Life-style Involves A Journey To The Interior. This Is Not Altogether A Pleasant Experience, Because You Not Only Have To Take Stock Of What You Consider Your Assets But You Also Have To Take A Long Look At What Your Friends Call “the Trouble With You.” Nevertheless, The Journey Is Worth Making.

I Approach My Life With Logic. I Do Not Act On Impulse Or Emotion. I Very Seldom Find That I Say, 'and Then I Can't Think What Came Over Me, But I Did This Or That Or The Other.' I Nearly Always Know How I Will Act And I Nearly Always Act In That Way. I Don't Catch Myself Out In Embarrassing Situations Because I've Acted Without Forethought. I Calculate What I Will Do.

All This Cut-price Transcendentalism Does Not Prevent California From Being A Startlingly Physical State. This Becomes Most Obvious Where Los Angeles Saunters Down To The Sea. The Region Is Called Venice.

If Sophistication Is A Matter Of Being In Control Of Our Primary Reactions, We May Now Be Sophisticated. At Least We Shall Be Fairly Confident Of Ourselves And May, With Any Luck, Be Confident Of Others. Our Object Will Be To Enjoy Our Selves. But To Make Sure That Our Names Are Permanently On The Cast List, It Will Be Advisable To Be Of Interest To Others. This Aim Must Never Be Confused With The Desire To Be Popular.

Mainstream People Dislike Homosexuality Because They Can't Help Concentrating On What Homosexual Men Do To One Another. And When You Contemplate What People Do, You Think Of Yourself Doing It. And They Don't Like That. That's The Famous Joke: I Don't Like Peas, And I'm Glad I Don't Like Them, Because If I Liked Them I Would Eat Them And I Hate Them.

However Low A Man Sinks He Never Reaches The Level Of The Police.

If I Have Any Talent At All, It Is Not For Doing But For Being.

I Go Wherever My Fare Is Paid.

The Trouble With Children Is That They're Not Returnable.

The Programs Constantly Repeat Themselves And One Another. No One Has Yet Had The Nerve To Say, 'as We Have Nothing Sensible To Tell You Between Now And 8:30, Please Tune In Again Then.

Women Have Decided To Be People, Which Is A Great Mistake. Women Were Nicer Than People.

Sex Is The Last Refuge Of The Miserable.

I Don't Know How People Act. I've Never Understood That.

The Rest Of The World In Which I Lived Was Still Stumbling About In Search Of A Weapon With Which To Exterminate This Monster [homosexuality] Whose Shape And Size Were Not Yet Known Or Even Guessed At. It Was Thought To Be Greek In Origin, Smaller Than Socialism But More Deadly, Especially To Children.

The Simplest Comment On My Book Came From My Ballet Teacher. She Said, "i Wish You Hadn't Made Every Line Funny. It's So Depressing."

I Never Say 'no' To Anything.

Did You Know That Allah Promises You A Seat In Paradise If You Kill A Christian?

Believe In Fate, But Lean Forward Where Fate Can See You.

If You Truly Love Me, Kill The Bartender.

Everybody Who's Been On Television More Than Once Wears In Public An Expression Of Fatuous Affability. Because You May Be Addressed At Any Moment By Somebody.

What Better Proof Of Love Can There Be Than Money? A Ten-shilling Note Shows Incontrovertibly Just How Mad About You A Man Is.

The World Now Seems A Stunningly Ignoble Place. It Has Not Really Grown All That Much Worse But Appears To Have Done So Because We Know So Much More About It Than We Did.

While I Have Very Little To Say In Favor Of Sex (it's Vastly Overrated, It's Frequently Unnecessary, And It's Messy), It Is Greatly To Be Preferred To The Interminable Torments Of Romantic Agony Through Which Two People Tear One Another Limb From Limb While Professing Altruistic Devotion.

The Americans, Of Course, Are Quite Dotty With Hospitality.

Politics Are Not An Instrument For Effecting Social Change; They Are The Art Of Making The Inevitable Appear To Be A Matter Of Wise Human Choice.

I Lost The Love Of All The Homosexuals In The World By Saying That Princess Diana Was Trash And Got What She Deserved. She Could Have Been Queen Of England - And She Was Swanning About Paris With Arabs. What Disgraceful Behavior. Going About Saying She Wanted To Be The Queen Of Hearts. The Vulgarity Of It Is So Overpowering.

Flowers Are Words Even A Baby Can Understand.

God, From Whose Territory I Had Withdrawn My Ambassadors At The Age Of Fourteen. It Had Become Obvious That He Was Never Going To Do A Thing I Said.

Men Get Laid, But Women Get Screwed.

I Learned Very Early In Life That I Was Always Going To Need People More Than They Needed Me

Sometimes I Wore A Fringe So Deep It Obscured The Way Ahead. This Hardly Mattered. There Were Always Others To Look Where I Was Going.

To Say A Thing Is Natural Is To Condone It, Never To Praise It.

The Proprietor Had Hair So Red That Pigmentation Had Flowed Out Into Every Visible Inch Of His Skin And Even Into The Pinks Of His Eyes, As The Colour Of Flowering Cherry Trees Stains Their Leaves.

In England, The System Is Benign And The People Are Hostile. In America, The People Are Friendlyand The System Is Brutal!

Another Friend Began To Say, "well, Quentin Has A Problem Of Adjusting Himself To Society And He..." This Sentence Was Never Finished. The Ballet Teacher Expostulated, "i Don't Agree. Quentin Does Exactly As He Pleases. The Rest Of Us Have To Adapt Ourselves To Him."

Masturbation Is Not Only An Expression Of Self-regard: It Is Also The Natural Emotional Outlet Of Those Who...have Already Accepted As Inevitable The Wide Gulf Between Their Real Futures And The Expectations Of Their Fantasies.

It Is Not The Simple Statement Of Facts That Ushers In Freedom; It Is The Constant Repetition Of Them That Has This Liberating Effect. Tolerance Is The Result Not Of Enlightenment, But Of Boredom.

My Mother Protected Me From The World And My Father Threatened Me With It.

That's The Only Sense In Which I've Been Lucky: I Have The Kind Of Face To Which Cosmetics Could Be Applied.

I Became One Of The Stately Homos Of England.

If A Man Were To Look Over The Fence On One Side Of His Garden And Observe That The Neighbor On His Left Had Laid His Garden Path Round A Central Lawn; And Were To Look Over The Fence On The Other Side Of His Garden And Observe That The Neighbor On His Right Had Laid His Path Down The Middle Of The Lawn, And Were Then To Lay His Own Garden Path Diagonally From One Corner To The Other, That Man's Soul Would Be Lost. Originality Is Only To Be Praised When Not Prefaced By The Look To Right And Left.

A Fair Share Of Anything Is Starvation Diet To An Egomaniac.

Manners Are A Way Of Getting What You Want Without Appearing To Be An Absolute Swine.

Getting What You Want

I've Never Not Been Famous.

Los Angeles Is Just New York Lying Down.

I'm Happy. I Don't Ever Have To Pay Anything, And I Don't Ever Have To Wash The Dishes, And I Don't Ever Have To Behave Nicely.

I Never Understood Music. It Seemed To Me To Be The Maximum Amount Of Noise Conveying The Minimum Amount Of Information.

The Trouble With European Cities Is That They Are Drenched In Their History, Almost All Of Which Is Terrible.

As We All Know From Witnessing The Consuming Jealousy Of Husbands Who Are Never Faithful, People Do Not Confine Themselves To The Emotions To Which They Are Entitled.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Failure May Be Your Style.

Never Get Involved With Someone Who Wants To Change You

Well, It Has Done Terrifying Things. Religious Ideas Are Inflammatory In A Way That I Find Difficult To Understand. There Are Very Few Wars Over The Theory Of Relativity. Very Few Heated Arguments, For That Matter. Whereas, In Northern Ireland, They Are Killing One Another Over Religion.

I Have To Work In England, But Here In America You Don't Have To Work. You Can Sort Of Enter The Profession Of Being.

To My Disappointment I Now Realized That To Know All Is Not To Forgive All. It Is To Despise Everybody.

The ... Problem That Confronts Homosexuals Is That They Set Out To Win The Love Of A "real" Man. If They Succeed, They Fail. A Man Who "goes With" Other Men Is Not What They Would Call A Real Man. The Conundrum Is Incapable Of Resolution, But That Does Not Make Homosexuals Give It Up.

God Is So Angry. All That Power, And So Mean With It.

In Manhattan, Every Flat Surface Is A Potential Stage And Every Inattentive Waiter An Unemployed, Possibly Unemployable, Actor.

It's Been Agony But I Couldn't Have Done It Any Other Way.

When I Was Young, I And The Whole World Thought That All Homosexuals Were Effeminate. And Of Course They're Not. You Can Just See Which People Are Effeminate; That's The Only Difference. So, I Became A Prototype Of The Effeminate Man, Because I Was Conspicuously Effeminate. But Camp Is Not Something I Do, It's Something I Am.

I Don't Think I Have A Tragic Demeanor.

Nowadays People Don't Use Face Powder; They Say It Dries The Skin. But I Makeup In The Old-fashioned Way.

Nothing Shortens A Journey So Pleasantly As An Account Of Misfortunes At Which The Hearer Is Permitted To Laugh.

Now You Can Leave Home At Any Time You Like.your Mother Comes Down And Finds A Picture Of The Eiffel Tower On Her Plate. And She Says, 'oh! Rosemary's Gone To Paris. No Wonder The Bathroom Was So Tidy.' And Nobody Minds. But In My Day, To Go Abroad With All Those Wicked Frenchmen, What Would Become Of Them? So No-one Ever Went Anywhere.

To Lose Is Not Always Failure.

If Love Means Anything At All It Means Extending Your Hand To The Unlovable.

You Fall Out Of Your Mother's Womb, You Crawl Across Open Country Under Fire, And Drop Into Your Grave.

Why Get Married? For Human Beings, Marriage Is Such An Unnatural State. If You Want Monogamy, It Has Been Said, You Should Marry A Swan.

I Have To Realise That As I Am Only English And Am Allowed To Live In America, I Have To Give Something In Return. And Since I Cannot Build A Hospital, Or Endow A University, I Can Only Give My Infinite Availability.

Michelangelo Worked From Within. He Described Not The Excitements Of Touching Or Seeing A Man But The Excitement Of Being Man.

To Minimize My Guilt At Going To The Pictures - To Call This Wanton Pursuit Of An Effete Pleasure By Another Name - I Needed Movie Companions As Drunkards Need Drinking Partners. If I Entered A Cinema Alone, God Might Plunge His Arm Through The Roof Of The Auditorium Booming In A Stereophonic Voice, 'and You, Crisp, What Are You Doing Here?' I Would Never Have Dared Reply, 'i'm Just Enjoying Myself, Lord.'

Happiness Is The Only Thing I Understand.

The Consuming Desire Of Most Human Beings Is Deliberately To Plant Their Whole Life In The Hands Of Some Other Person. I Would Describe This Method Of Searching For Happiness As Immature. Development Of Character Consists Solely In Moving Toward Self-sufficiency.

The Message That 'love' Will Solve All Of Our Problems Is Repeated Incessantly In Contemporary Culture - Like A Philosophical Tom Tom. It Would Be Closer To The Truth To Say That Love Is A Contagious And Virulent Disease Which Leaves A Victim In A State Of Near Imbecility, Paralysis, Profound Melancholia, And Sometimes Culminates In Death.

If You Live In America, You Don't Have To Work. You Can Just Drift Along In The Smiling And Nodding Racket.

I Have Come To Think That Both Sex And Politics Are A Mistake And That Any Attempt To Establish A Connection Between The Two Is The Greatest Error Of All.

Abatement In The Hostility Of One's Enemies Must Never Be Thought To Signify They Have Been Won Over. It Only Means That One Has Ceased To Constitute A Threat.

I Simply Haven't The Nerve To Imagine A Being, A Force, A Cause Which Keeps The Planets Revolving In Their Orbits And Then Suddenly Stops In Order To Give Me A Bicycle With Three Speeds.

Health Consists Of Having The Same Diseases As One's Neighbors.

The Flagrantly Gay Quentin Crisp Dealt With Homophobic Bullying By Refusing To Bow To Its Onslaught. His Number Listed In The Phone Directory, He Responded To Derogatory Remarks Accompanied With A Stated Intent To Kill Him By Asking, "would You Like To Make An Appointment?"

You Don't Have To Do Anything.

The More People One Has To Love, The More One's Capacity To Love Stretches.

Capacity To Love

In New York, I Find People So Courteous And So Generous. Free Drinks In Bars. Free Taxi Rides.

England Is Very Dreary, But I'm A People Person.

One Of The Special Beauties Of America Is That It Is The Only Country In The World Where You Are Not Advised To Learn The Language Before Entering. Before I Ever Set Out For The United States, I Asked A Friend If I Should Study American. His Answer Was Unequivocal. "on No Account," He Said. "the More English You Sound, The More Likely You Are To Be Believed."

I Can't Remember Ever Having A Tragic Demeanor. Although My Life Was Tragedy.

I Came First To America In 1977 At The Invitation Of A Man Who Wanted To Make My Life Story Into A Musical. But My Agent Said It Was Not To Be And It Was Never Done. So I Went Back, But I'd Seen New York, And I Wanted To Live There. Because Everybody Talks To You In The Street. See, Nobody Talks To You In England.

It's No Good Running A Pig Farm Badly For 30 Years While Saying, 'really, I Was Meant To Be A Ballet Dancer.' By Then, Pigs Will Be Your Style.

I Never Spend My Time Doing Anything I'll Have To Do Again Tomorrow.

I Never Really Found Out What Love Was.

The British Do Not Expect Happiness. I Had The Impression, All The Time That I Lived There, That They Do Not Want To Be Happy; They Want To Be Right.

I Went Out Into The World When I Was About 22. I Wrote Books And I Illustrated Books And Did Book Covers, And I Taught Tap-dancing, And I Was A Model In The Art School. I Had No Ability For Any Of Those Things, But What Else Could I Do?

When I Was Young, I Don't Know How, I Spent All My Time In The Presence Of Married Women Telling Me Their Troubles. And When I Said 'why Did You Marry?' They Said, 'oh I Married To Get Away From Home.' And When I Said, 'and Why Don't You Leave Him?' They Gave The Saddest Answer In The World: They Said, 'where Would I Go?' So They Stayed With Men They Didn't Like Because They Had Nowhere To Go.

I Stay In One Room, And It's Easier To Live There, To Control It, To Make It Warm. It Seems To Me A Convenient Way To Live, And It's Cheap.

I Was Amazed To Receive Later A Substantial Sum For Sitting In My Room And Talking About Myself. If Only I Could Get Some Of The Back Pay!

You Don't Have To Deal With Anyone In America. They Accept You The Way You Are.

The Idea That He Would Take His Attention Away From The Universe In Order To Give Me A Bicycle With Three Speeds Is Just So Unlikely I Can't Go Along With It.

Life Was A Funny Thing That Happened To Me On The Way To The Grave.

Though Intelligence Is Powerless To Modify Character, It Is A Dab Hand At Finding Euphemisms For Its Weaknesses.

Nothing More Rapidly Inclines A Person To Go Into A Monastery Than Reading A Book On Etiquette. There Are So Many Trivial Ways In Which It Is Possible To Commit Some Social Sin.

I'm Too Old To Make Drawings.

Fashion Is What You Adopt When You Don't Know Who You Are.

Fashion Is Not Style. Nay, We Can Say More: Fashion Is Instead Of Style. Style Is An Idiom Springing Spontaneously From The Personality But Deliberately Maintained. If You Have No Personality, You May Be Able To Save Your Face And, Possibly, Your Entire Anatomy By Following The Current Fashion, But All We Shall Know About You, When We See You Coming Down The Street, Is That You Had Enough Money To Buy A Glossy Magazine And Were Sufficiently Cunning To Work Out The Cut Of The Garments Shown Therein.

One Should Always Be Wary Of Anyone Who Promises That Their Love Will Last Longer Than A Weekend.

As A Test Of The Closeness Of Your Relationship With The World, Sex Could Never Be A Patch On Being Murdered. (that's When Someone Really Does Risk His Life For You.)

The Key Is Never, Never Work. Nothing Is More Aging Than Work. It's Not Only The Strain Of Getting Up In The Morning For Work, But It's The Resentment That Settles On Your Face

There Are Three Reasons For Becoming A Writer: The First Is That You Need The Money; The Second That You Have Something To Say That You Think The World Should Know; The Third Is That You Can't Think What To Do With The Long Winter Evenings.

All America Is Much The Same.

I Recommend Limiting One's Involvement In Other People's Lives To A Pleasantly Scant Minimum.

The Measure Of Woman's Distaste For Any Part Of Her Life Lies Not In The Loudness Of Her Lamentations (these Are Only An Attempt To Buy A Martyr's Crown At A Reduced Price) But In Her Persistent Pursuit Of That Occupation Of Which She Never Ceases To Complain.

I Don't Believe In Convention At All. I Do What I Have To Do To Stay Alive.

If You Describe Things As Better Than They Are, You Are Considered To Be A Romantic; If You Describe Things As Worse Than They Are, You Will Be Called A Realist; And If You Describe Things Exactly As They Are, You Will Be Thought Of As A Satirist.

I Am A Stereotype. I Am An Effeminate Man.

As Someone Remarked, When Told The New Atomic Bombs Would Explode Without A Bang, "they Can't Leave Anything Alone."

For An Introvert His Environment Is Himself And Can Never Be Subject To Startling Or Unforeseen Change.

I've Always Lived In The Same Way.

As Far As I Know, You Can Fancy Someone, You Can Enjoy Their Company Or You Can Wish Them Well. But What Being In Love Is, I Don't Know.

An Autobiography Is An Obituary In Serial Form With The Last Installment Missing.

You Must Stop This Interview Now As I Have Come To End Of My Personality.

I Am Told That You Regret Not What You Did But What You Didn't Do; And So That's Why I Do Everything, So As Not To Have Any Regrets.

Every Day Someone Notices Me And Waves To Me, Or Stops And Speaks To Me, Or Asks Me For An Autograph, Or Photographs Me.

If One Is Not Going To Take The Necessary Precautions To Avoid Having Parents, One Must Undertake To Bring Them Up.

When Asked, 'shall I Tell My Mother I'm Gay?', I Reply, 'never Tell Your Mother Anything.

Life Is A Game In Which The Rules Are Constantly Changing; Nothing Spoils A Game More Than Those Who Take It Seriously. Adultery? Phooey! You Should Never Subjugate Yourself To Another Nor Seek The Subjugation Of Someone Else To Yourself. If You Follow That Crispian Principle You Will Be Able To Say Phooey, Too, Instead Of Reaching For Your Gun When You Fancy Yourself Betrayed.

I Was Beaten Up Wherever I Went, And People Shouted At Me And Cursed Me And Threw Things At Me.

The War Between The Sexes Is The Only One In Which Both Sides Regularly Sleep With The Enemy.

Never Sweep. After Four Years The Dirt Gets No Worse.

The Happiest Moments In Any Affair Take Place After The Loved One Has Learned To Accommodate The Lover And Before The Maddening Personality Of Either Party Has Emerged Like A Jagged Rock From The Receding Tides Of Lust And Curiosity.

I Never Saw Portsmouth By Day.

I Don't Think You Can Really Be Proud Of Being Gay Because It Isn't Something You've Done. You Can Only Be Proud Of Not Being Ashamed.

Fear And Hatred Do Not Seem To Find Expression In Tears.

I Had A Friend Who Had Two Degrees Of Being Made Up: When Invited I Would Say 'can I Make Up?' And He Would Say 'oh Yes - Tinted?', Or He Would Say, 'oh Yes - Clotted?'

People Are Not Heterosexual Or Homosexual, Just Sexual.

The English Think That Incompetence Is The Same Thing As Sincerity.

In Fact I Try To Spend At Least One, If Not Two Days Without Ever Leaving My Room. Because If I Didn't, When Would I Recharge My Batteries?

Living En Famille Provides The Strongest Motives For Rudeness Combined With The Maximum Opportunity For Displaying It.

Nothing In Our Culture, Not Even Home Computers, Is More Overrated Than The Epidermal Felicity Of Two Featherless Bipeds In Desperate Congress.

I Read All The Books I Could Find About Manners, And The Extraordinary Thing Was, In All Books Up To The End Of The Second World War, Most Were Directed At How To Comport Yourself In The Presence Of The Ladies.

It May Be True That Artists Adopt A Flamboyant Appearance, But It's Also True That People Who Look Funny Get Stuck With The Arts.

Europeans Are Quarrelsome.

Because It Is In The Nature Of Things That They Become Extreme, We Have Passed Down From Manliness To Cruelty. If I Had Been Told When I Was 20 That There Was A Tavern In The Town Where The Brave And The Cruel Were Gathered Together, I Would Have Run All The Way And I Would Have Gone Up To The Largest And Leatheriest Of The Denizens And Said: If You Truly Love Me, Kill The Bartender.

For Flavor, Instant Sex Will Never Supersede The Stuff You Have To Peel And Cook.

Most Men When They Make Up Their Faces, The Makeup Stands Forward, And Their Faces Are Behind.

Assoon As I Stepped Out Of My Mother's Womb On To Dry Land, I Realized That I Had Made A Mistake?but The Trouble With Children Is That They Are Not Returnable.

The Scots Are Very Hospitable; Almost As Hospitable As The Americans.

Vice Is Its Own Reward.

Euphemisms Are Not, As Many Young People Think, Useless Verbiage For That Which Can And Should Be Said Bluntly; They Are Like Secret Agents On A Delicate Mission, They Must Airily Pass By A Stinking Mess With Barely So Much As A Nod Of The Head, Make Their Point Of Constructive Criticism And Continue On In Calm Forbearance. Euphemisms Are Unpleasant Truths Wearing Diplomatic Cologne.

It's Written Into The Constitution That You're Allowed To Pursue Happiness. In England It Would Be Considered A Frivolous Objective.

The Poverty From Which I Have Suffered Could Be Diagnosed As 'soho' Poverty. It Comes From Having The Airs And Graces Of A Genius And No Talent.

I've Come From A Very Masculine Country To A Feminine Country. England Was Very Masculine; People Went From England To Abroad, And They Landed From Above And They Said "these Are The Gods You Will Worship, These Are The Crops You Will Grow, Now Go Away And Do It." Which Is A Manly Attitude. Americans Go Abroad And They Say, "try Not To Quarrel So Much", Which Is A Feminine Attitude.

It Is True That In America I've Become A National Hero, But Really I Was A Hopeless Case, That Was All.

Many [hooligans] Discover To Their Shame That They Have Scruples; They Have Roots And, Greatest Disadvantage Of All, They Have Hope. The Fathers Superior Of The Order Do Not Try To Influence Their Children In Satan; They Merely Shake Their Heads In Sorrow. They Know That The Apostate Must Work Out His Own Damnation.

You Will Survive If You Believe In Yourself.

Believe In Yourself

The Court Was Not Previously Aware Of The Prisoner's Many Accomplishments. In View Of These, We See Fit To Impose The Death Penalty.

Fashion Is A Way Of Not Having To Decide Who You Are. Style Is Deciding Who You Are And Being Able To Perpetuate It.

Nearly Always When Actors Are Approached By The Beauticians, They Try To Avoid The Dabs That The Beauticians Put On Their Faces. They Dodge Them.

What I Wanted Most Of All Was To Use Sex As A Weapon To Allure, Subjugate, And, If Possible, Destroy The Personality Of Others.

The Distinction Between Indoors And Outdoors, Which In England Is Usually So Marked, Was Temporarily Suspended In A Hot Gauzy Haze.

Central Europe Is Full Of Little Countries Standing Shoulder To Shoulder With No Window To The Sea. They Are Like The Passengers In A Rush-hour Train Which Has Stopped Between Stations For Three Centuries. And They All Hate One Another. And They're All Crushed Together Waving Their National Flags, Clanking Their National Chains, Jabbering Their National Language.

The United States Are A Miracle: The Division Between Two States Is Sometimes A River Or A Mountain, And Sometimes It's A Straight Line. But Nobody Says, "that Tree Really Belongs In South Carolina. I Shan't Do Anything About It Now, I'll Get It Back Later." I Shall Go After I Am Here To London And After That To Potsdam, Where Comrade Stalin, Mr Churchill And Harry Truman Divided Up Europe; And What We See Now Is The Result Of That. The Americans Would Have Accepted It. But Europeans Don't Accept Anything.

I Don't Really Act. I Say The Words The Way I Would Say Them If I Meant Them.

Of Course I Lie To People. But I Lie Altruistically - For Our Mutual Good. The Lie Is The Basic Building Block Of Good Manners. That May Seem Mildly Shocking To A Moralist - But Then What Isn't?

In Most Cases An Act Of Unwelcome Sex Is No More Bother Than Being Vaccinated, So There's No Point Going On About It As If It Werea Fate Worse Than Death. With Skill And Good Manners You Can Avoid Having To Make The Sacrifice, But Should You Find Yourself In A Compromising Situation Largely Of Your Own Making, You Should Stop Defending Your Virtue And Start Worrying About Your Maturity. It Will Give You Something To Think About While The Savage Pumper Bangs Away.

Posing Was The First Job I Did In Which I Understood What I Was Doing.

The Formula For Achieving A Successful Relationship Is Simple: You Should Treat All Disasters As If They Were Trivialities But Never Treat A Triviality As If It Were A Disaster.

The Very Purpose Of Existence Is To Reconcile The Glowing Opinion We Hold Of Ourselves With The Appalling Things That Other People Think About Us.

As Soon As A Person Takes A Part As A Homosexual, The Press Says, "what Do Your Wife And Children Think Of This?" And The Actor Never Says, "well, Last Week I Was A Murderer, And The Week Before That I Was A Child Molester, And The Week Before That I Was A Lunatic. But Now I'm A Homosexual."

If You Don't Stay In Some Days, You Can't Recharge Your Batteries.

Euphemisms Are Unpleasant Truths Wearing Diplomatic Cologne.

Diplomatic Relations

Quentin Crisp (to Handsome Young Man On The Street): "what's The Matter, Sexy? Don't You Like Dehydrated Fruit?

The World Was Very Feminine When I Was Young. And Now It's Very Masculine.

Britain Cherishes Her Eccentrics And Wisely Holds That The Function Of Government Is To Build A Walled Garden In Which Anarchy Can Flourish.

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Miguel De Cervantes

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