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People Talked About Being A Parent, Or Being A Mother Or A Father. We Don't Talk About "wiving" Our Husbands Or "friending" Our Friends, Or "childing" Our Parents. We Just Talk About Being In A Relationship With Those People. You Don't Measure Whether Your Marriage Was Good Based On Whether Or Not Your Husband Is Better Now Than He Was 10 Years Ago, Or Whether Your Friend Is Richer Than When They First Became Your Friend. The Relationships Between Parents And Children Is A Kind Of Love, Rather Than A Kind Of Work.

-Alison Gopnik

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People Talked About Being

Alison Gopnik

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People Talked About Being A Parent, Or Being A Mother Or A Father. We Don't Talk About "wiving" Our Husbands Or "friending" Our Friends, Or "childing" Our Parents. We Just Talk About Being In A Relationship With Those People. You Don't Measure Whether Your Marriage Was Good Based On Whether Or Not Your Husband Is Better Now Than He Was 10 Years Ago, Or Whether Your Friend Is Richer Than When They First Became Your Friend. The Relationships Between Parents And Children Is A Kind Of Love, Rather Than A Kind Of Work.

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We Fear Death So Profoundly, Not Because It Means The End Of Our Body, But Because It Means The End Of Our Consciousness - Better To Be A Spirit In Heaven Than A Zombie On Earth.

On The Web We All Become Small-town Visitors Lost In The Big City.

I Think, At The End Of The Century We'll Have A Generation Of Parents And A Generation Of Children Who Won't Have Had The Deep Satisfactions Of Being Parents And Being Children In The Way That They Might Have And Are Going To Spend A Lot Of Time Fretting And Worrying And Being Hovered Over For Nothing. The Question Isn't So Much "what Will Happen In The Long Run?" But "what's Happening To People's Lives Right Now?"

The Youngest Children Have A Great Capacity For Empathy And Altruism. There's A Recent Study That Shows Even 14-month-olds Will Climb Across A Bunch Of Cushions And Go Across A Room To Give You A Pen If You Drop One.

If Parents Are The Fixed Stars In The Childs Universe, The Vaguely Understood, Distant But Constant Celestial Spheres, Siblings Are The Dazzling, Sometimes Scorching Comets Whizzing Nearby.

Children Are The Most Amazing Thing In The Universe, As Far As I'm Concerned. If You're Worrying About How It's Going To Turn Out, You Aren't Experiencing That Day-to-day Satisfaction Of Being With These Incredible, Extraordinary Creatures. Every Single One Of Them Is The Most Incredible, Extraordinary Creature That You're Ever Going To Want To See. I Think The Joy Of Having That Deep Relationship - That's The Core Of What Being A Parent Is.

We Know That Kids Who Grow Up In An Environment Of Warmth And Support Will Thrive And Function In Whatever Environment They Find Themselves. What We Need To Do Is To Do More To Help Poor Kids Have Such An Environment.

All Of Us Gardeners Know That Nothing Comes Out The Way You Planned. It's A Different Garden Every Year, And It's Always Sort Of Different From What You Were Thinking When You Began. What It Really Means To Be A Good Gardener Is To Work Hard To Produce An Ecosystem That Will Have Enough Diversity, Enough Possibilities, So It's Robust, And It's Resilient, And It Can Change When The Seasons Change. And That Kind Of Robust, Unexpected, Variable, Messy System - That's What You Want To Create When You're Having Children, Too.

Texts And E-mails Travel No Faster Than Phone Calls And Telegrams, And Their Content Isn't Necessarily Richer Or Poorer.

We Don't Wife Our Husbands And We Don't Child Our Parents.

Philosophers And Psychologists Have Long Puzzled Over The Question Of How We Know As Much As We Do Despite Our Limited Experiences. One Way Is To See How Children Learn. Another Example Is Consciousness. The Concept Is Usually Explored By Armchair Academics. Looking At Kids Expands Our Conceptions Of Consciousness.

One Of The Most Distinctive Evolutionary Features Of Human Beings Is Our Unusually Long, Protected Childhood.

I'm Afraid The Parenting Advice To Come Out Of Developmental Psychology Is Very Boring: Pay Attention To Your Kids And Love Them.

I'm Culturally Jewish But, Like Most Scientists, An Atheist: I Don't Believe There's A God Or Supernatural World. Buddhism Offers Guidance On What To Do In A World Without God: It Opines That Truly Being Present In The World‚ Experiencing And Hanging Out With Your Loved Ones, Provides All The Significance You Could Want.

Becoming An Adult Means Leaving The World Of Your Parents And Starting To Make Your Way Toward The Future That You Will Share With Your Peers.

There Is A Tension Between Our Desire To Get Our Kids To Turn Out A Particular Way Versus Letting Them Develop To Be Their Own Person. If There Were A Pill That Would Make My Child Turn Out The Way I Wanted, I'm Not Sure I'd Take It.

Animals Are Certainly More Sophisticated Than We Used To Think. And We Shouldn't Lump Together Animals As A Group. Crows And Chimps And Dogs Are All Highly Intelligent In Very Different Ways.

Scientists Learn About The World In Three Ways: They Analyze Statistical Patterns In The Data, They Do Experiments, And They Learn From The Data And Ideas Of Other Scientists. The Recent Studies Show That Children Also Learn In These Ways.

Caring, Whether For Children Or The Dying, Shouldn't Be Instrumental. It Should Be An Intrinsic, Moral Good.

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Instead Of Just Saying, "i Love My Baby And I Pick Him Up Because He's Adorable And It's So Nice To Cuddle With Him," We Practice Attachment Parenting. We Let Our Children Play Outside And Have Age-appropriate Freedoms And Are Labeled Free-range Parents.

To Support The People We Care About Is Intrinsic, It Is Not Instrumental. It's Not Something We Do Because We're Hoping To Get Some Other Outcome.

From An Evolutionary Perspective Children Are, Literally, Designed To Learn. Childhood Is A Special Period Of Protected Immaturity. It Gives The Young Breathing Time To Master The Things They Will Need To Know In Order To Survive As Adults.

We're In A Culture Where Everything Is Either Consumption Or Production, So Child Care Is Either A Very, Very Bad-paying Form Of Work Or A Very Expensive Luxury That You Purchase. There Isn't A Good Place In Our Picture Of The World For What Caregiving Is About. Even Teenage Babysitters Have Sort Of Disappeared From The Scene.

Putting Together Philosophy And Children Would Have Been Difficult For Most Of History. But Very Fortunately For Me, When I Started Graduate School There Was A Real Scientific Revolution Taking Place In Developmental Psychology.

Ineffective Or Weak Brain Connections Are Pruned In Much The Same Way A Gardener Would Prune A Tree Or Bush, Giving The Plant A Desired Shape.

Caring For Children Has Always Been One Of The Deepest And Most Satisfying Things That A Human Being Does, And Yet It Is Hard To Keep A Healthy Attitude Toward It In Our Competitive, Outcome-oriented Society.

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People Talked About Being A Parent, Or Being A Mother Or A Father. We Don't Talk About "wiving" Our Husbands Or "friending" Our Friends, Or "childing" Our Parents. We Just Talk About Being In A Relationship With Those People. You Don't Measure Whether Your Marriage Was Good Based On Whether Or Not Your Husband Is Better Now Than He Was 10 Years Ago, Or Whether Your Friend Is Richer Than When They First Became Your Friend. The Relationships Between Parents And Children Is A Kind Of Love, Rather Than A Kind Of Work.

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We Provide A Secure, Stable Space For Children To Grow Up In, So Children Will Be Able To Take Risks And Have Adventures And Do Things That Are Unexpected. If There Isn't A Risk That Your Children Can Fail, Then You Haven't Succeeded As A Parent.

The Brain Knows The Real Secret Of Seduction, More Effective Than Even Music And Martinis. Just Keep Whispering, 'gee, You Are Really Special' To That Sack Of Water And Protein That Is A Body, And You Can Get It To Do Practically Anything.

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Being A Grandmother Is A Wonderful Thing, So My Advice Is Skip The Children. Go Straight To The Grandchildren.

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If You Just Got Enough Expertise And Enough Special Techniques And Read Up Enough, Then You Could Shape A Child Into The Kind Of Adult You Wanted. There's Almost This Kind Of Competitive Enterprise. That Picture Is The Picture I Think People Often Imply When They Use The Word "parenting".

The Best Scientific Way To Discover If One Factor Influences Another Is To Do A Controlled Experiment.

Because We Imagine, We Can Have Invention And Technology. It's Actually Play, Not Necessity, That Is The Mother Of Invention.

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What Teenagers Want Most Of All Are Social Rewards, Especially The Respect Of Their Peers.

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Some People Say That Parents Don't Matter, And That's Not True At All. The Irony Is That We Pay Attention To All These Things That Don't Matter, And Not To What Does Matter, Such As Parents Having Enough Resources To Provide An Environment Where Their Children Have Both Security And Freedom.

Security And Freedom

We Don't Measure The Quality Of Our Other Relationships By How Well The Other Person Turns Out, For Instance Whether My Husband Is A Better Person After 10 Years Than He Was When I First Met Him.

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Babies And Young Children Are Like The Research And Development Division Of The Human Species, And We Grown-ups Are Production And Marketing.

Research And Development

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