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It Is A Very Delicate Job To Forgive A Man, Without Lowering Him In His Own Estimation, And Yours Too.

-Josh Billings

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It Is A Very

Josh Billings

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It Is A Very Delicate Job To Forgive A Man, Without Lowering Him In His Own Estimation, And Yours Too.

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People Travel To Learn; Most Of Them Before They Start Should Learn To Travel.

The Wheel That Squeaks The Loudest Is The One That Gets The Grease.

I Haven't Got As Much Money As Some Folks, But I've Got As Much Impudence As Any Of Them, And That's The Next Thing To Money.

Flattery Is Like Cologne Water, To Be Smelt, Not Swallowed.

I Do Not Know Of A Better Cure For Sorrow Than To Pity Somebody Else.

If Men Were Stubborn Just In Proportion As They Were Right, Stubbornness Would Take Her Seat Among The Virtues; But Men Are Generally Stubborn Just In Proportion As They Are Ignorant And Wrong.

Lying Is Like Trying To Hide In A Fog: If You Move About You're In Danger Of Bumping Your Head Against The Truth, And As Soon As The Fog Blows Off, You Are Gone Anyhow.

The Highest Philosophers, In Explaining The Mystery Of This World, Are Obliged To Call In The Aid Of Another.

It's Not Only The Most Difficult Thing To Know One's Self, But The Most Inconvenient.

I've Never Known An Auctioneer To Lie Unless It Was Absolutely Necessary.

A Witty Writer Is Like A Porcupine; His Quill Makes No Distinction Between Friend And Foe.

There's Tons Of People That Spend A Lot Time Watching Their Well Being, They Have Not Acquired Time To Take Pleasure In It.

Silence Is Said To Be Golden, But The Best Fools The World Has Ever Produced Had Nothing To Say On The Subject

It Strains A Man's Philosophy The Worst Kind To Laugh When He Gets Beat.

Life Is Short, But It's Long Enough To Ruin Any Man Who Wants To Be Ruined.

Doesn't Know Much, But Leads The League In Nostril Hair.

It Is True That Wealth Won't Make A Man Virtuous, But I Notice There Ain't Anybody Who Wants To Be Poor Just For The Purpose Of Being Good.

Knowledge Is Like Money, The More A Man Gits The More He Hankers For.

Most Men Would Rather Be Charged With Malice Than With Making A Blunder.

There Is A Significant Latin Proverb; To Wit: Who Will Guard The Guards?

Love Is Said To Be Blind, But I Know Some Fellows In Love Who Can See Twice As Much In Their Sweethearts As I Do.

If You Believe You Can Do Something, Then You Can Acquire The Ability To Do It Even If You Didn't Have It In The Beginning.

In The Whole History Of The World There Is But One Thing That Money Cannot Buy...to Wit--the Wag Of A Dog's Tail.

Experience Makes More Timid Men Than It Does Wise Ones.

Fools Carry Their Daggers In Their Open Mouths.

Menny Think Tha Luv Their Husbands Almost Tew Deth, When In Fack, Tha Are Only Jealous Ov Them.

Theory Looks Well On Paper, But Does Not Amount To Anything Without Practice.

Marrying For Love May Be A Bit Risky, But It Is So Honest That God Can't Help But Smile On It.

Habits Are Like The Wrinkles On A Man's Brow; If You Will Smooth Out The One, I Will Smooth Out The Other.

When A Man Gets Talking About Himself, He Seldom Fails To Be Eloquent And Often Reaches The Sublime.

The Books Are Balanced In Heaven, Not Here.

No One Can Disgrace Us But Ourselves.

If There Was No Faith There Would Be No Living In This World. We Could Not Even Eat Hash With Any Safety.

There Never Yet Was A Mother Who Taught Her Child To Be An Infidel.

Pyrotechnically Considered, [laughing] Is The Fire-works Of The Soul.

There Is No Passion Of The Human Heart That Promises So Much And Pays So Little As Revenge.

The Very Thing That Men Think They Have Got The Most Of, They Have Got The Least Of; And That Is Judgment.

Experience Increases Our Wisdom But Doesn't Reduce Our Follies.

When A Man Comes To Me For Advice, I Find Out The Kind Of Advice He Wants, And I Give It To Him.

Woman's Influence Is Powerful, Especially When She Wants Something.

Fuss Is Half-sister To Hurry, And Neither Of Them Can Do Anything Without Getting In Their Own Way.

Some Folks As They Grow Older Grow Wise But Most Folks Simply Grow Stubborner.

Learning Sleeps And Snores In Libraries, But Wisdom Is Everywhere, Wide Awake, On Tiptoe.

I Never Knew A Man Troubled With Melancholy, Who Had Plenty To Do, And Did It.

I Don't Never Have Any Trouble In Regulating My Own Conduct, But To Keep Other Folks' Straight Is What Bothers Me.

It Is A Great Deal Easier For A Man To Find A Pedigree To Fit His Virtues Than Virtues To Fit His Pedigree.

Some Folks Are Wise And Some Otherwise.

Stupidity And Ignorance

Early Genius, Like Early Cabbage, Does Not Head Well.

Honesty Is The Rarest Wealth Anyone Can Possess, And Yet All The Honesty In The World Ain't Lawful Tender For A Loaf Of Bread.

There Is No Limit To The Vanity Of This World. Each Spoke In The Wheel Thinks The Whole Strength Of The Wheel Depends Upon It.

My Advice To Those Who Are About To Begin, In Earnest, The Journey Of Life, Is To Take Their Heart In One Hand And A Club In The Other.

I Called My Cat William Because No Shorter Name Fits The Dignity Of His Character. Poor Old Man, He Has Fits Now, So I Call Him Fitz-william.

Rumor Is A Vagrant Without A Home, And Lives Upon What It Can Pick Up.

Pride Seems Tew Be Quite Equally Distributed; The Man Who Owns The Carriage And The Man Who Drives It Seem Tew Have It Just Alike.

Advice Maybe Wrong, But Examples Prove Themselves.

What Is A Man Profited, If He Shall Gain The Whole World, And Lose His Own Soul I Suppose This Depends Somewhat Upon The Size Of The Soul. I Think There Are Cases Where The Trade Would Do.

Dr. Holmes Says, Both Wittily And Truly, That Crying Widows Are Easiest Consoled.

Consider The Postage Stamp: Its Usefulness Consists In The Ability To Stick To One Thing Till It Gets There.

There Are Lots Of People Who Mistake Their Imagination For Their Memory.

Men Who Have Much To Say Use The Fewest Words.

It Is The Little Bits Of Things That Fret And Worry Us; We Can Dodge A Elephant, But We Can't Dodge A Fly.

It Ain't What A Man Don't Know That Makes Him A Fool, But What He Does Know That Ain't So.

Silence Is A Still Noise.

Selfish People, With No Heart To Speak Of, Have The Best Time Of It.

The Secret Of Forgiving Everything Is To Understand Nothing.

It Is Not Much Trouble To Doctor Sick Folks, But To Doctor Healthy Ones Is Troublesome.

Everyone Who Does The Best He Can Is A Hero.

Genuine Laughing Is The Vent Of The Soul, The Nostrils Of The Heart, And Just As Necessary For Health And Happiness As Spring Water Is For A Trout.

You Can Reach Stupidity Only With A Cannon Ball.

Health Is Like Money, We Never Have A True Idea Of Its Value Until We Lose It.

The Less We Know The More We Suspect

As The Flint Contains The Spark, Unknown To Itself, Which The Steel Alone Can Awaken To Life, So Adversity Often Reveals To Us Hidden Gems, Which Prosperity Or Negligence Would Forever Have Hidden.

Wisdom That Don't Make Us Happier Ain't Worth Plowing For.

When A Young Man Begins To Go Down Hill Everything Seems To Be Greased For The Occasion.

Poverty Is The Step-mother Of Genius.

There Are Very Few Good Judges Of Humor, And They Don't Agree.

There Is Only One Good Substitute For The Endearments Of A Sister, And That Is The Endearments Of Some Other Fellow's Sister.

When You Do Laugh, Open Your Mouth Wide Enough For The Noise To Get Out Without Squealing, Throw Your Head Back As Though You Were Going To Be Shaved, Hold On To Your False Hair With Both Hands And Then Laugh Till Your Soul Gets Thoroughly Rested.

When The Truth Is In Your Way, You Are On The Wrong Road.

Pedantry Is Paraded Knowledge.

Friendship Is Like Earthenware, Once Broken, It Can Be Mended; Love Is Like A Mirror, Once Broken That Ends It.

Caution, Though Very Often Wasted Is A Good Risk To Take.

It Is A Great Art To Be Superior To Others Without Letting Them Know It.

A Good Place To Visit, But A Poor Place To Stay.

As A General Thing, When A Woman Wears The Pants In A Family, She Has A Good Right To Them.

As In A Game Ov Cards, So In The Game Ov Life, We Must Play What Is Dealt Tew Us, And The Glory Consists, Not So Mutch In Winning, As In Playing A Poor Hand Well.

Adam Invented Love At First Sight, One Of The Greatest Labor-saving Machines The World Ever Saw.

If The World Despises A Hypocrite, What Must They Think Of Him In Heaven?

One Of The Rarest Things That A Man Ever Does, Is To Do The Best He Can.

It's Not Ignorance Does So Much Damage; It's Knowin' So Derned Much That Ain't So.

The Easiest Thing For Our Friends To Discover In Us, And The Hardest Thing For Us To Discover In Ourselves, Is That We Are Growing Old.

Wisdom Has Never Made A Bigot, But Learning Has.

Common Sense Is An Instinct Given To Man And Enough Of It Is Genius. Smartness Is Measured By The Level Of Common Sense One Has, Not By How Much Educated Or Knowledgeable He Is.

Self-made Men Are Most Always Apt To Be A Little Too Proud Of The Job.

Don't Have Any More Secrets Than You Can Keep Yourself.

I Would Much Rather Always Look Forward To The Time When I Am Going To Ride In A Carriage, Than To Look Back On The Time When I Used To.

Never Run Into Debt, Not If You Can Find Anything Else To Run Into.

The Thinner The Ice, The More Anxious Is Everyone To See Whether It Will Bear.

Take All The Fools Out Of This World And There Wouldn't Be Any Fun Living In It, Or Profit.

I Have Lived In This World Just Long Enough To Look Carefully The Second Time Into Things That I Am Most Certain Of The First Time.

Better Make A Weak Man Your Enemy Than Your Friend.

The Morning Paper Is Just As Necessary For An American As Dew Is To The Grass.

Silence Is One Of The Hardest Arguments To Refute.

Half Of The Troubles Of This Life Can Be Traced To Saying Yes Too Quickly And Not Saying No Soon Enough.

When A Man Makes Up His Mind To Become A Rascal, He Should Examine Himself Closely And See If He Isn't Better Constructed For A Fool.

Rivalry And Envy Are Siamese Twins.

What The World Wants Iz [sic] Good Examples, Not So Mutch Advice; Advice May Be Wrong, But Examples Prove Themselves.

Take The Selfishness Out Of This World And There Would Be More Happiness Than We Should Know What To Do With.

Wise Men Have But Few Confidants, And Cunning Ones None.

Pedigrees Seldom Improve By Age; The Grandson Is Too Often A Weak Infringement On The Grandsire's Parent.

The Greatest Thief This World Has Ever Produced Is Procrastination, And He Is Still At Large.

I Never Question A Success, Any More Than I Do The Right Of A Bulldog To Lie In His Own Gateway.

To Enjoy A Good Reputation, Give Publicly, And Steal Privately.

It Is Easy To Assume A Habit; But When You Try To Cast It Off, It Will Take Skin And All.

It Is Better To Know Nothing Than To Know What Ain't So.

Music Wasn't Made To Make Us Wise, But Better Natured.

Men Mourn For What They Have Lost; Women For What They Ain't Got.

I Think When The Full Horror Of Being Fifty Hits You, You Should Stay Home And Have A Good Cry.

The Man Who Ain't Got An Enemy Is Really Poor.

Building Air Castles Is A Harmless Business As Long As You Don't Attempt To Live In Them.

Seneca Devoted Much Of His Time To Writing Essays In Praise Of Poverty, And In Lending Money At Usurious Rates.

Where Religion Is A Trade, Morality Is A Merchandise.

When I See A Man Of Shallow Understanding Extravagantly Clothed, I Feel Sorry - For The Clothes.

I Don't Care How Much A Man Talks, If He Only Says It In A Few Words.

The Trouble With Most Folks Isn't Their Ignorance. It's Knowin' So Many Things That Ain't So.

Successful Writers Learn At Last What They Should Learn At First,--to Be Intelligently Simple.

Experience Is A School Where A Man Learns What A Big Fool He Has Been.

As A General Thing, An Individual Who Is Neat In His Person Is Neat In His Morals.

The Lion And The Lamb May, Possibly, Sumtime Lay Down In This World Together For A Fu Minnits, But When The Lion Kums Tew Git Up, The Lamb Will Be Missing.

About The Only Difference Between The Poor And The Rich, Is This, The Poor Suffer Misery, While The Rich Have To Enjoy It.

Keep A Cow, And Then The Milk Won't Have To Be Watered But Once.

And Now The Lads And Lasses, Following The Example Of The Birds, Bill And Coo Together.

About The Most Originality That Any Writer Can Hope To Achieve Honestly Is To Steal With Good Judgment.

...but Why Discourse Upon The Virtues Of The Horse? They Are Too Numerous To Tell Save When You Have A Horse To Sell.

Words Are Often Seen Hunting For An Idea, But Ideas Are Never Seen Hunting For Words.

Silence Is One Of The Hardest Kind Of Arguments To Refute. There Is No Good Substitute For Wisdom; But Silence Is The Best That Has Yet Been Discovered.

Biography Is The Best Form Of History.

Shame Is The Dying Embers Of Virtue.

Admiration Is A Youthful Fancy Will Which Scarcely Ever Survives To Mature Years.

I Am A Poor Man, But I Have This Consolation: I Am Poor By Accident, Not By Design.

The Man Whose Only Pleasure In Life Is Making Money, Weighs Less On The Moral Scale Than An Angleworm.

Beauty Is A Very Handy Thing To Have, Especially For A Woman Who Ain't Handsome.

Politeness Is Better Than Logic. You Can Often Persuade When You Cannot Convince.

The Best Condition In Life Is To Be Not So Rich As To Be Envied Nor So Poor As To Be Damned.

Thrice Is He Armed That Hath His Quarrel Just, But Four Times He Who Gets His Blow In Fust

Common Sense Is The Knack Of Seeing Things As They Are, And Doing Things As They Ought To Be Done.

Metaphysics Is The Science Of Proving What We Don't Understand.

It Is Much Easier To Repent Of Sins That We Have Committed Than To Repent Of Those That We Intend To Commit.

Method Is The Arithmetic Of Success.

Take The Humbug Out Of This World, And You Haven't Much Left To Do Business With.

Common Sense Is Instinct, And Enough Of It Is Genius.

Zoroaster Said, When In Doubt Abstain; But This Does Not Always Apply. At Cards, When In Doubt Take The Trick.

I Hold That A Man Has As Much Right To Spell A Word As It Is Pronounced As He Has To Pronounce It The Way It Ain't Spelled.

A Man Cannot Learn To Be Wise Any More Than He Can Learn To Be Handsome.

Adversity Has The Same Effect On A Man That Severe Training Has On The Pugilist: It Reduces Him To His Fighting Weight.

I Hate To Be A Kicker, I Always Long For Peace, But The Wheel That Does The Squeaking, Is The One That Gets The Grease.

The Road To Ruin Is Always In Good Repair, And The Travellers Pay The Expense Of It.

Be Kind To Your Mother-in-law, But Pay For Her Board At Some Good Hotel.

Newfoundland Dogs Are Good To Save Children From Drowning, But You Must Have A Pond Of Water Handy And A Child, Or Else There Will Be No Profit In Boarding A Newfoundland.

Every Man Has His Follies - And Often They Are The Most Interesting Thing He Has Got.

There Is A Sort Of Charm In Ugliness, If The Person Has Some Redeeming Qualities And Is Only Ugly Enough.

Poverty Is One Of Them Kind Of Misfortunes That We All Of Us Dread But None Of Us Pity.

Economy Is A Savings-bank, Into Which Men Drop Pennies, And Get Dollars In Return.

Pity Cost Nothing And Ain't Worth Nothing.

As A General Rule, If You Want To Get At The Truth - Hear Both Sides And Believe Neither.

A Good Way I Know To Find Happiness, Is To Not Bore A Hole To Fit The Plug.

You Cannot Analyze A Kiss Any More Than You Can Dissect The Fragrance Of Flowers.

Advice Is Like Kissing: It Costs Nothing And Is A Pleasant Thing To Do.

Pity Costs Nothing, And It Ain't Worth Nothing.

Love Is Like The Measles; We Can't Have It Bad But Once, And The Later In Life We Have It The Tougher It Goes With Us.

One Of The Greatest Victories You Can Gain Over Someone Is To Beat Him At Politeness.

Greatest Victory

The Quickest Way To Take The Starch Out Of Someone Who Is Always Blaming Himself Is To Agree With Him.

Perseverance Is King.

Tears Are A Good Alterative, But A Poor Diet.

Experience Is A Grindstone; And It Is Lucky For Us, If We Can Get Brightened By It, And Not Ground.

There Is Nothing So Easy To Learn As Experience And Nothing So Hard To Apply.

Fashion Makes Fools Of Some, Sinners Of Others, And Slaves Of All.

Occasions Are Rare; And Those, Who Know How To Seize Upon Them, Are Rarer.

Rare Opportunities

Marrying A Woman For Her Money Is Very Much Like Setting A Rat-trap, And Baiting It With Your Own Finger.

We Are Ap Tu Hate Them, Who Wont Take Our Advice, And Despise Them Who Do.

There Is Not A Whole Lot Of Fun In Medicine But There Is A Whole Lot Of Medicine In Fun.

Threescore Years And Ten Is Enough; If A Man Can't Suffer All The Misery He Wants In That Time, He Must Be Numb.

Theres Not A Lot Of Good Humor In Medicine, But Theres A Lot Of Medicine In Good Humor.

Contentment Is A Kind Of Moral Laziness; If There Wasn't Anything But Contentment In His World, Man Wouldn't Be Any More Of A Success Than An Angleworm Is

The Squeeky Wheel Gets The Grease.

Ambition Is Like Hunger; It Obeys No Law But Its Appetite

There Is No Revenge So Complete As Forgiveness.

Man Is My Brother, And I Am Nearer Related To Him Through His Vices Than I Am Through His Virtue.

The Hardest Thing Any Man Can Do Is To Fall Down On The Ice When It's Slippery, And Get Up And Praise The Lord.

Put An Englishman Into The Garden Of Eden, And He Would Find Fault With The Whole Blasted Concern; Put A Yankee In, And He Would See Where He Could Alter It To Advantage; Put An Irishman In, And He Would Want To Boss The Thing; Put A Dutchman In, And He Would Proceed To Plant It.

The Man Who Gets Bit Twice By The Same Dog Is Better Adapted For That Kind Of Business Than Any Other.

Prejudice Is A House-plant Which Is Very Apt To Wilt If You Take It Out-of-doors Among Folks.

Man Was Created A Little Lower Than The Angels And Has Been Getting A Little Lower Ever Since.

Morally Considered, Laughter Is Next To The Ten Commandments.

Ten Commandments

Most People Repent Their Sins By Thanking God They Ain't So Wicked As Their Neighbors.

The Best Way To Convince A Fool That He Is Wrong Is To Let Him Have His Own Way.

There's A Lot Of People In This World Who Spend So Much Time Watching Their Health That They Haven't The Time To Enjoy It.

There's A Great Power In Words, If You Don't Hitch Too Many Of Them Together.

Waves Are Inspiring Not Because They Rise And Fail, But Because Each Time They Fall. They Never Fail To Rise Again.

Ill-nature Is A Sort Of Running Sore Of The Disposition.

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